"Sooner or later you're going to want it."

Maybe I do. Maybe I do want it. That doesn't mean I can give in to it. Doesn't mean I get that luxury.

Buffy's thoughts have slipped far off a death wish. Lost underneath the feeling of Spike's fingers that are drawing small circles across the back of her hand. Hypnotizing, and cool.

Maybe I do want it...

Or at least parts of it. I don't want to be the only strong one anymore. He was right when he said I hold myself back with Riley, and I'm exhausted from it. I never get to be what I am. Had to hide it from Riley, and now that he knows the truth we're both pulling further apart. And Angel... I was just on a continuous precipice of losing the little inches he'd give me. Couldn't hold on to him, and so ended up standing on a brink for 3 years...

"Feeling tired, luv?"

Buffy blinks hard. Her eyes struggling against the weight of her eyelids.

When was the last time I got any sleep? Proper sleep.

For nights she'd woken up with fists clenched, jaw clamped shut. Sheets pooled around her legs.

Too much. It's all getting on top of me. Mom. Dawn. Riley. Trying to balance all these endless spinning plates. Trying not to get killed in the process of being there for Dawn with mom in the hospital and Riley all but trying to kill himself out of some ludicrous Slayer inferiority complex.

Too much.

She sighs.

"Don't call me love."

Buffy pulls her hand away from his gentle swirling fingers that are starting to make her ache, and fishes the wad of cash out of her jacket pocket, handing it out to Spike. He doesn't take it.

"I don't want your money."

"Then what do you want?"

"...I want a truce." She tries to pull her other hand out away from his but he catches her wrist. Gently, still soft. "I can't stop thinking about you-"

"Stop. You don't know what you're saying."

"You can't deny it. I know you feel something for me."

"It's called revulsion."

"You said you wanted me too, Buffy. You said it first."

"God, stop. You're a vampire, this whole conversation is insanity."

"Angel was a vampire."

He's moving closer, narrowing the distance between them.

"Angel was good."

"Only with a soul. I can be good without one. I swear Buffy."

"Right. You've changed because of that chip in your head. You think, what, that that suddenly makes a difference? That's not you deciding hey you know what murder equals bad, Spike, that's not change, it's just you on a leash."

"It's not just the chip! I've changed, Buffy. I can change. I know you see it too."

"I see nothing of the sort."

"The hell you don't. I'm not in this alone here. You see it, I know you do, why are you lying to yourself?"

...Why am I?

Am I supposed to just be adrift alone in this forever? Is that really the options I get? Being alone, or being with someone who hates a part of me that I can't control? Would it really be so bad if I let someone in who understood all of it, not just some of it? Would it really be the end of the world if I-

NO! No, bad dangerous, dead-getting thoughts.

"I'm going." She moves out of the chair, tucking her hands into the pockets of her coat..

"Oh come on, please, just stay. Just talk to me about this. We need to talk about this!"

"There's nothing to talk about Spike. There is no we." But her voice is cracking.

"...There was once."

Buffy's caught off guard, head spinning.

Yep. Ok. I've lost my mind. I'm not here, that vampire put me in some sort of coma and I've woken up in backwardsville.

"You're not honestly talking about Willow's spell?"

He doesn't speak, just stands in front of her digging for empty words that won't come.

"That wasn't real." Buffy says before he has a chance to speak.

"Parts of it were! It wasn't a love spell, what we felt underneath was there at least a little! It wouldn't have worked otherwise!"

..."I loved him. We were betrothed."...

She tries to pull away but the ache in her chest is stopping her, wanting more of it.

"Buffy... Do you really think if she'd cast it differently Willow's spell would've had you curled up in Giles' lap like that? There was something there, and you can hate it and be angry about it but I know you felt it too..."

Buffy sucks in air, wincing at the memories of it.

It had hurt. She wouldn't tell Willow after how much it had hurt, having something like that. Losing something like that. Having a connection to someone that was deep and loving and in a strange sort of way safe. She'd felt safe. Not as if she was about to be cast aside. Finally feeling like she had nothing to hide. She hadn't felt like that since, or honestly ever, and it bit at her.

Riley had seemed like such a safe choice. But there aren't any safe choices if you have to hide half of yourself from the start. Even as the fragile romance had bloomed between them it had all felt too.. sterile. Too forced, trying to fit herself into an average girls average dream of what college love should be. There was no burn. And no fire underneath it.

Told myself that I was just missing the feeling of the spell. That it had made everything seem electric. Dazzling. That feeling of being part of a whole.

Wouldn't admit that what had made it seem that way was Spike. That part of me was really missing him.

"Buffy-"

...But that him doesn't exist.

"It wasn't love Spike. It was a spell, and that's it. You can't feel love without a soul."

"I damn well can! Angel can't feel love without a soul. Don't base all your assumptions on that wanker!"

"Spike, enough-"

"-I'm not asking for...for-" for you to say you love me... God, I'm in too deep to pull back now. "I'm just asking for something. Some crumb. Just... " he flounders, trying to the pull the words from the knot of misery sitting in his stomach.

"...Just a truce."

Spike nods, but Buffy's head has dipped, held in her hands. Shielded by her hair.

She looks so broken.

I've been that broken before.

"Why is Joyce in the hospital?"

Buffy sniffs deeply, wiping tears away with the heal of her hand.

She shakes her head, feeling exhausted by the whole of it. How do you describe the worst parts of your life with just words?

"She passed out. Few days ago. Dawn was in the house and she called an ambulance."

Spike waits, not putting words into the air when she needs the space to speak.

"They thought it was low blood sugar. But she's not getting better on the drip. They keep... doing tests. She's got a CAT scan in the morning. They think... they..." tears choke the end of her sentence, and she doesn't bother to wipe them away.

Spike bites down the offer to be at the hospital. Not just for Buffy but for Joyce. The thought of her, helpless in a hospital bed... it's too close to the bone.

"Is there something I can do?"

She doesn't answer, wiping more tears out of her eyes as she leans against the lid of a coffin. He leans against it next to her.

"It'll be alright, luv." He moves her hair back out of the way of her face, stroking down a shoulder as she takes a heavy breath. "Joyce is a tough old bird. Whatever's messing her has picked the wrong lady."

"I just feel so helpless."

"I know."

She let's herself in at nearly midnight, and is immediately dazzled by the living room light flicking on.

Riley's sitting in an armchair. Waiting for her.

"Jesus, were you just sitting in the dark like some Bond villain?"

"Where were you?"

"Researching."

"With Giles? At the magic shop?"

"Yes." She lies, internally squirming at how easy the lies come.

"I called the Magic Box an hour ago. So try again, Buffy."

Crap.

"I walked home through the cemetery and did a quick sweep that's all."

"You were patrolling?"

"Yes."

"Where?"

"...What?"

"What side? I didn't see you down there."

"I don't know... South I guess."

"Spike's side. Do you really think that's a good idea?"

"I can handle Spike."

"I bet."

Something in his tone catches her off guard. A lurking sneer buried under the words.

I'm imagining it. Just feeling jumpy from the whole evening.

"I'm going to bed, I'm exhausted."

"Fine." Riley sighs, expecting a little concern to come into her eyes but she's already trudging up the stairs, leaving him behind.