He squeezes her hand, as she leans against him, the terrible plastic of the waiting room chairs squeaking every she moves.

Buffy turns to face him, barely seeing him, and Riley cracks a half smile.

"I am sorry. Again. For yesterday." He hasn't stopped holding her hand since they sat down and it's starting to feel clammy. "I was a jerk."

Tell me about it. Buffy manages a smile, trying hard to focus on the good things of Riley.

Kind. Sweet. Safe. Sort of a dope. On the good side. My side. Think about those things. Don't think about the blood sucking fiend. Focus on anything but the blood sucking fiend.

"It's ok." She manages through a forced smile that's rapidly becoming a grimaces the longer she sits in the hospital waiting room. "These last few days have been majorly wiggy for both of us, I guess." She leans over to squeeze his arm with her other hand and he winces, sucking air in through his teeth.

"OH! Sorry, uh, didn't think I was being too strong-" she furrows her brow as she feels the ridges of a bandage underneath the long sleeved shirt he's wearing.

"No it's not that, I-"

She starts lifting the sleeve up to his forearm but he stops her, smoothing it back down.

"I just caught it on a door lock, it's just a scratch."

"Deep scratch?" Her fingers feel over the bulky bulge underneath his sleeve and he pulls her hand away gently.

"We don't all have super-Slayer healing powers, you know." He cracks a smile, no resentment or hidden meaning underneath. Buffy nods, smiling back, settling back against the chairs stiff plastic.

"It's been hours, what's taking so long?" Dawn hands Buffy a soda that's she's retrieved from the vending machines in the hall, taking a seat back down next to Buffy.

"It's a brain biopsy," Riley says. "I'd be more worried if they didn't take any time at all. Might mean they can't do anything."

"I hate waiting." Grumbles Dawn, opening the tab of her soda.

Riley's thumb rubs over her fingers and the crushing heat of it makes her squirm as the sweat pools between their hands, but she doesn't unlatch their fingers.

Kind. Sweet. Safe. Don't pull away. You don't really want this to be over you just got... turned around. Mom being sick just turned me around is all. It'll get better.

It's got to. I can't keep making the bad decisions. Can't keep letting the wrong ones in. Choose safe and sweet for once in my life.

It doesn't matter how Spike makes me feel. He doesn't have a soul...

She bites her lip, dwelling on thoughts of Spike seem to pull the anxiety of the hospital out of her mind and she can't help but pick at those thoughts, slipping them on like a nicotine patch for her constant twitching misery.

But it doesn't seem to matter with him... He makes decisions for himself. They might be selfish, but he can choose between good and evil.

He does choose when it suits him... if you have a soul you feel the weight of the guilt for the bad things you do, right? You do good and you get the good feeling. Like a reward for good behavior. You get the warm, happy, cookie getting feeling. You do bad, and you feel bad. Simple. Deceptively simple.

So if he does good, and doesn't get the good feeling... does that make the good deed mean more? Does that make doing the good thing less selfish? Maggie Walsh said once 'there's no such thing as a selfless good deed, because the doer will at the minimum get a sense of doing right.' So good deeds from Spike would be entirely selfless? If he has no guilt, and does the bad thing, does that mean less than someone who does it regardless of the guilt? Regardless of having a soul?

The things he did were always done for Drusilla, weren't they? Not like Angelus, who wanted to unleash hell for his own amusement. Wanted destroy and murder and torture, and twist every good thing into shreds. Spike only ever wanted to make Dru happy. If she hadn't wanted murder and death, he wouldn't have needed it either... is that right?

Hmm. Tricky, slippery thoughts. If I could I'd ask Riley, he could probably come up with some psyche 101 term to explain it.

But I can't ask Riley, not now... all these layers of lies. It's getting out of hand-

The doors at the end of the hall open and Buffy's neck snaps round to watch as Dr Kriegel strides towards them. She lets go of Riley's hand as she gets up from the chair, automatically wiping the residue of him off her palm onto her jeans.

"The biopsy went well," Kriegel starts before he's fully reached them and Buffy's tenses for the next part, holding her breath. "The shadow is a brain lesion, a small abscess that's been pressing down causing the fainting and dizzy spells."

His face is unreadable and Buffy feels like she hasn't take a breath in hours.

"Ok... uh... what does that mean."

He blinks, realizing he hasn't made himself clear.

"It's the best outcome we could hope for. A couple of months on antibiotics should hopefully resolve the abscess. She can go home the day after tomorrow-" the rest of the words are strangled out as Buffy grips him in a bearhug.

"Oh thank God. Thank you, OH!" There's a sharp crack and she pulls back from him before the rib breaks under her embrace. Dr Kriegel pulls back, having turned a deep shade of white as he steadies his back.

"That's...alright. She'll need checks ups for a few weeks but she's all yours again in a few days."

Riley's hand is stroking her back and he's saying something too far off to hear, Dawn is beaming, but everything looks watery behind Buffy's eyes.

"Can we put this song on repeat?"

Buffy and Riley sway in the candlelight that's turning the front room a pale glowing yellow. He smiles down at her, winding his arms further around her waist.

"Whatever you want."

Mom is home day after tomorrow, everything's fine. Dawn is at Xander's, staying over. I don't think I've been this happy in months. I feel like I can breathe a little for the first time... Feels like I've been drowning for weeks.

"Can we put the whole night on repeat?" She smiles back.

"Absolutely."

"Good." Buffy sighs, lying her head against Riley's chest. "Mm, I can't believe how relaxed I feel. It's like all the tension's just left my body."

"Oh, really? 'Cause I had that scheduled for a little later on." Riley grins, pulling her closer.

"Scheduled? Are you planning on seducing me, Mr. Finn?" Something in her stomach knots and she pushes it back down. Some little flicker of disquietude.

"Always..." He hand strokes the skin of her back where her shirt has risen up. "I want tonight to be special for you."

"It's more than special. It's perfect."

"Well, I'm glad. You deserve it after everything you've been through."

"Well, it's nothing compared to what my mom had to deal with."

"It was a lot. And you were incredible."

"Not really. Just covering for the weepy chicken within."

"Don't sell yourself short. You stayed strong throughout, Buffy. So strong. You never even cried."

"Oh, I cried. I cried so hard, I didn't think I was gonna be able to stop."

"...Oh." Buffy doesn't hear the hurt in his voice, or the look of betrayed anguish in his eyes as her head rests against him.

Riley clenches his jaw a little, feeling jealously flare up inside him like a white fire.

She did cry. She said she was holding herself together and didn't have space for...for that. She just didn't have space for it with me.

With who then?

Spike... surely he was lying when he said he was a shoulder to cry on. She would never...

"That's all in the past now." Buffy mumbles, swaying in his arms, and he tries to focus on the feel of her against him instead. Instead of swirling angry thoughts. Thoughts of her in a crypt. Thoughts of her near Spike. With Spike. "Mom's out of the woods, and I'm here with you. That's all that matters."

"Right." Riley says, kissing the top of her head. "That's all that matters."

In her room she leans into his kiss, deepening it, twisting her tongue up in to his as he slips the shirt up and over her head.

Buffy presses herself up against him, slipping further into his embrace as his hand trails up her back. Soft and tender and-

-and barely there.

She pushes a harder kiss on him, trying to ignite some small spark underneath the gentleness. Some burning fire to set them both on edge. She wraps around him, pushes up against his chest holding his head in her hands as he-

"Ow." He gasps.

"What?" She pulls back, face confused.

"Nothing," he grins sheepishly. "You just bit my lip is all."

"Oh sorry-" she mumbles, turning a bright embarrassed pink conveniently hidden in the half glow of the room, lit only by her table lamp.

I didn't think I did...

They resume the kiss and he pulls her closer again, unlatching her bra, careful fingers over her skin as he pulls it off her, gently pulling her down onto the bed beside him. Her hands trail up his arms, pulling them around her tighter, scratching a little with her nails as-

"Ahh!"

For God's sake!

"Sorry! What?"

"Just my arm, your hand-"

"Oh God, sorry." She pulls her hand away from his forearm. He sighs, flexing his hand and smoothing the bandage back down over his arm. He unzips her skirt and she settles her hands either side of his neck, on his shoulders, as she straddles him, kissing his neck and jaw, up to his mouth as his hands travel down to her hips, stroking her skin with his fingertips, slipping fingers under the lace of her underw-

"Ah-" he pulls back out of their kiss, sucking air in through his teeth, wincing in pain.

"I didn't bite you!"

"No, it's your thighs."

"My what?!"

"You're crushing my hip."

God, that's a mood killer!

Buffy swallows back a frustrated sigh, leaning back away from him.

I can't do this. It's like having sex with a porcelain doll.

"It's ok, Buffy." He holds her by the waist and flips her underneath him. "Let's try it like this." She nods, trying to regain the moment. He moves to lift her leg up and across, widening her hips so he can slide in closer to her, but she moves to lift her leg to the side of him and as they fumble together Buffy inadvertently knees Riley hard in the chest.

"Oh Riley!" She tries to sit up, but he's double over from the wind being knocked from his lungs and their foreheads collide with a hard smack.

"Ah!"

"CRAP!"

This is ridiculous. This is worse than some sit-com skit.

He takes a breath, rubbing his ribcage. Even in the dim light she can see a pink mark that'll turn to a bruise in the morning.

He smiles at her, settling her back against the pillows.

"Just try to relax." He says, lowering himself down between her legs.

Buffy rubs at her forehead, rolling her eyes. I don't want to relax. I want to feel something other than gentleness, and- and kindness, and BORING-ness and Oh my God what's WRONG with me?!

He slips his tongue into her mouth and internally she squirms at the how careful he's being, treating her like she's made of glass. Warm lips barely doing more than pressing against hers.

He moves down lower, kissing her neck, her shoulders as he moves across to the bedside draw, pulling open the top draw where she keeps the condoms.

Ok. Guess that's all the warm up I get then.

Buffy bites her lip, trying to undo the bitterness of her internal monologue.

He's sweet. And funny. And not a blood sucking murderous asshole. TRY to be happy about that.

He tears a packet open with his teeth and rolls it down the length of him as she wiggles down, carefully positioning her thighs to either side of him. Adding very specifically no pressure whatsoever.

He butts up against her and she winces.

"Uh... I'm... I'm not-"

"I know, it's ok. I got you."

Buffy blinks, realizing he hasn't understood at all what she was going to say. I'm not anywhere close to being... uh... well- ready-

"Riley-"

He suddenly pushes up into her and she gasps from the sudden near tearing pain.

OW!

Riley, in blissful ignorance, mistakes her gasps for pleasure, leaning down to kiss her.

"Uh, Buffy. You feel amazing..." He dips closer to her, moving against her. Thankfully the pressure is so minimal it doesn't matter that she's tight as a fist. She tries to relax a bit further into him, moving against him to find some respite from the low thrumming heat that's starting to build up inside her.

Not exactly the heat I wanted... this is a dry, sore heat, feeling more like an internal graze with every thrust.

After what seems like hours she starts to loosen up a little, winding her arms around his back as he settles into her, cautiously pushing up a little higher.

Better... but...

Pointless.... I can't, this is just too... gentle but also awkward. Was he always so weirdly quiet? So suffocatingly careful? Why does this feel so wrong, this isn't our first time? Maybe I'm just tired...

Maybe if I was on top?

"Riley... I uh-"

"Are you?" He kisses her, deep and slow, holding her by the waist. "Me too."

Wait... what?"

"Um-"

"Oh Buffy." He suddenly clenches her waist, and she gasps as he shivers against her, feeling him swell slightly inside, groaning against her as he cums.

She blinks, lying underneath him feeling dazed. She waits for him to move away from her, and when he finally does his skin pulls against hers uncomfortably, damp skin pulling against damp skin and tugging painfully.

He smooths her hair back from her face, pulling her closer to him. Doesn't seem to notice she's tense as a bow.

"I love you."

Buffy sighs deeply, shifting further into the pillows next to him, every part of her wanting to get up and shower.

"You too."