Chapter Four: London

Alexander and the girls had been in London for a week. They were staying at the Colbourne home in London, Bentley House. His brother, Samuel, had been living in the house for the last few years.

This morning, when he woke up, he longed to take Hannibal out for a ride on the beach. But, they were in town, not Heyrick Park. He found himself restless, but it was important to put the girls' needs before his own, so he would endure.

Today, Augusta was going to the modiste to be fitted for her new gowns. She would need several for all the social occasions that Mrs. Markham, her great aunt, had planned for her. He was grateful to Mrs. Markham for seeing that Augusta was properly introduced into London society. He certainly did not have the connections to obtain all the proper invitations to the right parties and balls.

He was going to interview another applicant for a new governess for Leo today. He hoped this one would be the right fit for his daughter. Of course, nobody would ever fit the bill quite like Miss Heywood had.

He thought of her and all she had brought to her job as governess. Being raised on a farm, she had a keen interest in nature as Leo did. She seemed to know how to bring out the best in Leo, whether it was teaching her the ways of an accomplished young lady such as embroidery or how to speak French. But she also engaged Leo by exploring the marsh to look for snails or teaching her to fly a kite. Leo adored her and wanted to please her.

He missed her with every fiber of his being, but it was all his fault that she was not with them now. He had sent her away, and there was not a moment of his day that he wished things could have been different. That he was different.

He sighed and went downstairs to have breakfast with his brother and the girls.

Samuel remarked that the house had more life in it now than it had when they were boys.

Samuel explained to the girls, "Our father believed that children were meant to be seen, not heard. This house was silent, just as Heyrick Park was. The biggest difference was at Heyrick Park, we could explore the grounds and make our own fun. We would get far from the house and raise our voices just because we could."

Leo said, "Miss Heywood told us ladies do not raise their voices, so I try not to. Except when I am outside pretending to be a soldier, and charging into battle."

Everyone laughed and said, "Yes, we know, Leo, and you do that even when you are in the house."

Leo gave them all her wry little smile.

Samuel said, "Who is Miss Heywood?"

Augusta replied, "Uncle Samuel, she was our governess, and a wonderful one. She is beautiful and kind. Leo and I love her. She treated us like we were her sisters."

Samuel said, "So, this Miss Heywood is young, then?"

Augusta said, "She is two and twenty, Uncle. The man she loved and who loved her had to marry for money, and then shortly afterwards, he died. Miss Heywood was the oldest of twelve children, so she needed to forge her own path in the world. It is why she became our governess."

He replied, "Why is she not here with you now?"

Leo said, "Father sent her away."

Alexander said, "Girls, as I have explained, there are things you do not understand, and I am not going to say another word about it. Today, I am interviewing a new applicant for the job, and hopefully, she will be suitable."

Augusta still could not understand why her uncle had sent away Miss Heywood, and she was still vexed about it. She asked, "May I be excused?"

Alexander said, "Yes, and why don't you and Leo see what books there are in the study that you might want to read. If there are none, I will take you to the bookseller later today."

After the girls left, Samuel said, "Would you like to explain to me what happened between you and Miss Heywood?"

Alexander said, "Yes, but let's go into the study where we cannot be overheard."

Once the brothers were behind closed doors, Alexander explained what had happened to his brother. He did not leave out anything, even the kisses with Charlotte, and the uncomfortable encounters with Colonel Lennox. He told him about Lennox denying that he was Leo's father.

Samuel said, "Brother, it is good to see you among the living again. It is clear from what you have said and the pain in your voice, that you love Miss Heywood. Of course, it was inappropriate for the two of you to continue on with her as your governess, but what I do not understand is why you did not ask for her hand."

He thought about how best to explain to his younger brother who had never been married, "Samuel, I failed Lucy as a husband, and I was afraid to fail Miss Heywood as well. Lucy and I were not compatible, and that is the long, short and in-between of it. I wanted to make our marriage work, and in the beginning, I had hope that with time, we could find our way as husband and wife."

"She was not interested though, and it was enough for her to have my name, her sister close by here in London, and to be an active member of society."

"I hated London society, and I did not know how to be a husband, Samuel. The harder I tried, the more she pulled away."

Samuel said, "Xander, I do not think you ever had a chance with Lucy. After she left London, there was talk of her with Captain Lennox. Apparently, she had been in love with him before she met you. Her parents did not think he was a suitable match because he was beneath her in society. She needed to make a far better match, and you were that match as an educated and wealthy man."

Alexander said, "Even if that was all true, and it is only conjecture, then she should have been willing to give our marriage a chance. But, after we were married, she was indifferent to me, and I was hurt by it. Not because I loved her, but because I had hoped that we could come to care for each other."

Bitterly he said, "But what did I know of love? What do I really know about it now?

Samuel said, "Apparently, you know a great deal more of it now. Just look at the relationship you have with your girls, and anyone can listen to you speak of Miss Heywood and know that you love her."

Alexander felt waves of pain wash over him. He did love Charlotte. He missed her.

He turned to his brother and said, "I intentionally ruined things between us. I did what I thought was best for her, Samuel."

Samuel looked at his brother long and hard, and he said, "Xander, you may like me saying this, but I think you sent her away because you were protecting yourself from more pain. And, I do not doubt that you were trying to protect her as well."

"And here you are now, miserable."

Alexander sputtered, 'I did what I thought was best for her sake, Samuel! It was not about me. I failed my wife and she gave up on living. I said terrible things to her the night she walked out into the rain."

"I have accepted that I do not bear all the blame for the failure of our marriage, Samuel. She chose to remain in London, and she chose to get involved with Lennox. But I showed her no compassion or pity. I was just like our father, Samuel."

His brother finally understood what was really hurting his brother. "You are not our father, Xander! Just look at how much your girls love you. You have raised Leonora, and you are raising Augusta now. The girls clearly love you, even though they are frustrated with you for sending Miss Heywood away."

Samuel continued, "When were we ever allowed at the dinner table with him until we were grown men? You take all of your meals with the girls, and you take an interest in what they care about. When did our father ever do that?"

Alexander started twisting the signet ring on his pinky finger as he was processing all his brother had said.

"I am different from Father. You are right about that, but only since Miss Heywood made me see that I was neglectful of the girls."

Samuel smiled, "She is a woman who speaks her mind?"

Alexander smiled and said, "Yes, she does. I like it though, and as her employer, at times I found her impertinent, but admirably so."

He continued, 'I wish you had met her. She is beautiful, but more than that, she is kind, compassionate, and endearing. I am drawn to her like a bee to honey."

His voice became husky, "I love her more than I have ever loved anyone, and I sent her away because of it."

Samuel said, "It cannot be too late to fix things, and I encourage you to at least try so you do not regret it for the rest of your life."

Alexander said, "I do not know what I think is the right thing to do at this point in time."

"As a man, I cannot imagine how I might feel if the woman I was married to had an affair and bore another man's child. While it is regrettable that you spoke words in anger to her, I think anyone can understand why you did. You did the honorable thing by bringing her back to Heyrick Park, and by raising Leo as your own daughter. Given the circumstances, you could have asked the Markhams to take her to raise alongside Augusta after Lucy died."

Alexander said, "It might have been better for Leo if I had done that because she was a living reminder of Lucy's betrayal, but she is a Colbourne, and I would not allow anyone else to raise her. Miss Heywood has helped me to see what a blessing Leo is to me. I am glad to be her father, Samuel. I can never make it up to her for all the years I neglected her emotionally, but I endeavor to be the best father I can be now, as I have promised her I would be."

Samuel said, 'Yes, I can see that. You must forgive Lucy, and you must forgive yourself, Xander. If you can do that, you will be able to go to Miss Heywood and explain why you sent her away. You will give her a reason to trust you again."

Alexander needed to think about that, and he said, "Thank you, Samuel, for listening to me and for giving me such good advice."

The rest of the day was busy with the interview for the new governess, Augusta's fitting at the modiste, and a visit to the bookseller.

After dinner that night, Samuel and Alexander talked for a bit about Samuel's law practice and his life in London.

When Alexander got to his room, he got undressed and put his things away. He took out his journal and quill to write.

London is not a place I have ever wanted to be. However, I am glad I came.

Augusta has been introduced into society, and I owe Mrs. Markham a debt of gratitude.

I believe I have found a new governess for Leo, and she starts tomorrow on a trial basis. I wish Mrs. Wheatley were here to give me her opinion. She was right about Miss Heywood, and I wonder what she would think of Miss Bates. She came with good references, and I think she will suit.

Samuel gave me so much to think about. It felt good to finally talk about Miss Heywood with him. He has always been my brother of course, but now it would seem, we have finally become friends.

What he told me about Lucy and Lennox all makes sense to me now. Lennox told Miss Heywood that I had stolen Lucy from him, and even though that is not true because I had no knowledge of their attachment before I married her, I now understand his resentment of me. Her parents would have never allowed her to marry a captain in the army without property or money. I had both.

Maybe Lucy and I never had a chance for happiness.

Samuel assures me that I am not our father, and who better to know? I take solace in that, and in knowing that I am doing all I can now to be a good father to the girls.

He has encouraged me to try and repair things with Miss Heywood. I am sure that would be fair to her. I have hurt her once already, so why would she trust me now?

Maybe Samuel is right that I was also protecting myself from more pain. I had not realized that. I wonder if it makes any difference anyway. He tells me that I must forgive Lucy, and I must forgive myself.

Miss Heywood also told me that I had to forgive myself, or I would thwart a future that could be very dear indeed. Didn't I do just that? I tried to do the right thing, but now I seemed to have made a huge mistake.

I did what I thought was best for her. I sent her away, for her sake.

Alexander closed his journal and laid down his quill. He was spent. He climbed into bed and closed his eyes. He remembered the morning she had come to Heyrick Park the day after the ball, and he had held her in his arms and kissed her like she was the air he breathed.

He wondered if it was even right to try to fix things with her. He wanted to, but could he forgive himself as he needed to? If he could, dare he hope that she could forgive him?