Chapter Six: A Meeting on the Cliff Tops
Lady Susan wrote to Charlotte, as promised, and did receive a reply. Charlotte could not leave Willingden to come to London. Her sister Alison was getting married and there was much to do to prepare for the wedding. Lady Susan sent a note to Alexander to let him know, and he was left frustrated with the delay in seeing Miss Heywood, but he understood.
Every night, he wrote in his journals of the conversations he wanted to have with her, if only he could. He poured out his heart to her in his journals and told her things he had never spoken aloud to anyone else. He imagined her sitting with him as he spoke to her, and with her expressive brown eyes, encouraging him to release his past by speaking to her of it. There were times he wrote pages and pages to her. He told her of the life he wanted to share with her by turning Heyrick Park into a home for their family. He held nothing back, not even of his longing to be her husband and to have children of their own.
Next week was the final ball of the season for Augusta to attend, and after that, he would take his family back to Heyrick Park. He longed to ride Hannibal and to sit in the garden with Luna at his feet. He was ready to leave London society for the peace and quiet of home.
Home. Heyrick Park was now a home, thanks to Miss Heywood making him realize that the girls were his family and he needed to be a father to both of them. He wondered if she could begin to understand how much she had transformed his life.
In their remaining days in London, he took the girls to museums, art exhibits, and to see the sites in London. Augusta had a potential suitor, Edward Smithson, and they seemed to be a good match. He was the only son of Lord Smithson and would inherit the title and estate someday. He was educated at Oxford and was by Augusta's standards, pleasing in manner and looks. Under the guidance of Mrs. Markham, the two were getting to know each other, and Alexander supported the match.
The night of the final ball arrived, and Alexander, Augusta, and Samuel all attended. Augusta had made friends with a few other young ladies and was looking around for them when she spotted Georgiana Lambe.
She walked over to her and said, "Hello, Miss Lambe, it is nice to see you."
Georgiana knew that if Augusta Markham was here, then Alexander Colbourne was in attendance as well. She had a thing or two she wanted to tell him. Especially after what she had learned while she was in Willingden the previous week at Alison and Declan's wedding. She held him accountable for the strange turn of events, and she was more than a little angry at him. But…. she was not going to let on. The news was Charlotte's to share.
Alexander and his brother walked over to join their group, and Alexander introduced his brother to Mr. Parker and Miss Lambe. Arthur was several years younger than Samuel, and they had never met even though they were both from Sanditon. Arthur had gone to London to live with his spinster sister, Diana Parker, after his parents had died.
Georgina turned to Miss Markham and said, "I am having a ball to celebrate my twenty-first birthday next weekend. Will you be back in Sanditon at that time?"
Augusta looked at her uncle, and he replied, "Yes, we will. We leave in a few days to go back to Heyrick Park."
Georgiana said, "Good! I will send an invitation to the ball when I get back to Sanditon tomorrow. Of course, the invitation is extended to all three of you."
Alexander quickly hid his excitement, lest Miss Lambe notice it. He would bet a hundred pounds that Miss Heywood would be attending the ball. Miss Lambe was her closest friend.
At that moment, the music began, and Samuel asked Georgiana to dance, and Arthur asked Augusta.
Glad for a moment alone, Alexander stepped outside on the balcony for a moment. He would finally see her! He felt his love for her wash over him, and he stood there for a few minutes grateful that soon, very soon, he would be able to start to make things right between them.
The music changed, and he went back in to see where Augusta was, and he spotted her dancing with Edward Smithson. He studied the pair of them. Augusta was blushing and both were smiling. Edward could not take his eyes off his niece, and he was clearly besotted with her.
He could not help but compare his own feelings of holding Miss Heywood in his arms as they danced, and he suddenly missed her with a force that took his breath away. It hurt to be so far away from her and to be estranged from her. Especially since it was all his fault.
If he had not sent her away, she might very well be his wife by now. He clenched his hands at his side and cursed his weakness to have sent her away.
Alexander danced with both Augusta and Georgiana at the ball. He found Miss Lambe to be a hard woman to read. It was as if she was hiding a delicious secret from him and while she was pleasant enough, there was an underlying current of tension between them. He knew she was angry with him for hurting Miss Heywood, and he could not blame her.
At the end of the evening, Alexander and Samuel collected Augusta to go home. Once they were settled in the carriage, Augusta said, 'Miss Lambe and the Parker family all attended the wedding in Willingden last weekend between Alison Heywood and Declan Fraser. Miss Lambe said that Miss Heywood was doing well and was glad to be home with her family and friends.
She explained to Samuel that Miss Heywood was the oldest of twelve children, and her sister Alison had come to Sanditon with her last summer. It is there she met her husband, Declan Fraser.
Alexander was listening, but his thoughts were centered on what Augusta had said about how happy Charlotte seemed to be at home with her friends and family. He was not happy without her, and he was hurt that she was happy without him. It was irrational, he knew, but what if she had discovered her tender feelings for him were fleeting?
When they got to the house, Alexander bade both Samuel and Augusta goodnight, and after checking on Leo, he went to his room. He changed to his nightclothes and tried to lay down to rest. He could not get his thoughts to settle, so he got up to write in his journal.
My Dearest Charlotte,
I have missed you more than I can say. It is truthful to say that you are always in my thoughts.
For weeks now, I have wanted an opportunity to speak to you in person but had not figured out a way to make that happen. Tonight, Miss Lambe invited us to her birthday ball, and so I am hoping you will be there as well.
My love, there are so many things I want to explain to you, and I need to ask for your forgiveness. I cannot do it in a letter, even if propriety allowed me to write to you. I want to speak to you in person, and for you to know that I am completely sincere in my regret as to how I treated you, the most wonderful woman I have ever known.
I have been a coward, but I am a coward no more. I sent you away because I was protecting you from disappointment in me, but also because by loving you, I was risking being hurt again. What a fool I was! I hurt us both, and I have such regret.
But what I also have is hope, my dearest love. I must have hope that someday you will find it in that loving and courageous heart of yours to forgive me, flawed man that I am. If you can do that, I can promise you that I will endeavor to never hurt you again.
Forever yours, Alexander
He laid down his quill and closed his journal.
He climbed into bed and remembered holding her in his arms at the ball in Sanditon. He had never felt so attracted to a woman, and he knew it was because he had never loved a woman as he did Miss Heywood.
Miss Heywood. Charlotte. And hopefully someday,…Mrs. Colbourne.
Three days later, Alexander, Samuel, Miss Bates, and the girls left for Heyrick Park. Samuel had just won the big case he was defending and would take a few days to go to Sanditon with Xander and the girls. He would return after the ball. He rode his horse, Apollo, instead of riding in the carriage because he would ride back to London after the weekend.
When the carriage got close to Sanditon, Alexander noticed a woman walking on the cliff tops. He looked closer and could not believe his eyes.
Leo also noticed and she said, "Father, guess who is back in Sanditon?"
Everyone looked out to see and it was Miss Heywood.
Alexander called out to the driver to stop.
He got out and the carriage pulled away to take the girls to Heyrick Park with Samuel following behind.
Charlotte was walking in his direction, and she seemed lost in her thoughts. When she looked up, he was standing there, waiting for her.
She had just been thinking of him, and her last walk on these very cliff tops. She was still angry at how he had treated her, and she had nothing to say to him. Nothing.
Alexander closed the distance between them and said, "Miss Heywood, I am happy to see you back in Sanditon again. I have only returned myself. I have been in London for the last few months."
He saw pain flit across her face, but she quickly masked it.
Charlotte said, "Mr. Colbourne. How are the girls?"
Alexander noticed immediately that she was cool to him, but polite.
"They are well, and in fact, Augusta made her debut in London society while we were there."
Charlotte replied, "I am happy to hear it. She is a lovely young woman. Now, if you will excuse me, I am on my way back to Trafalgar House."
Alexander said, "May I walk with you, Miss Heywood?"
She looked at him and asked, "Why?"
He said, "There are some things I would like to say to you, Miss Heywood."
Charlotte shook her head no. "There is nothing left to say between us. I am no longer your employee and since that is all I was to you; we have nothing left to talk about."
Alexander said, "Miss Heywood, I was so wrong to send you away…"
Charlotte did not let him finish and she said, "Yes, you were, but it is of little importance now. I have moved on with my life."
He asked, "What do you mean by that?"
She said, "I owe you no explanation. Goodbye, Sir."
Charlotte walked around him and left him standing there.
She kept walking and the tears streamed down her cheeks. She felt wave after wave of hurt wash over her. She had thought she was moving past her love for him but seeing him again made it clear that he had her heart still.
She was thinking, "The nerve of that man! He sent her away as if she were nothing to him, and now, he expected her to listen to him?"
Her thoughts were racing in indignation. She would not listen to this man who had hurt her so deeply. It was enough! She had given him power over her once, and she had given him her heart, and what did he do with it? He had shattered it into a thousand pieces. She had picked up those shards and pieced them together enough to move on with her life. And she had moved on, with Ralph Starling.
She was resolved, and when she got back to Trafalgar House, she said nothing of the encounter, but both Mary and Georgiana noticed that something had distressed Charlotte while she was out walking.
Alexander felt helpless, but not hopeless. At least not entirely. Lady Susan had warned him that Charlotte would be resistant.
He realized that his power to hurt her was equal to her love for him. His regret was profound, and he wished he could rewrite their history.
He walked home and greeted Mrs. Wheatley when he came in the door. She could see he was upset, and she could only guess that his conversation with Miss Heywood had not gone well. When he had not arrived home with the girls and Samuel, they had told her that he had gotten out of the carriage to speak to her.
Alexander asked Samuel if he wanted to go for a ride, and he agreed. The girls were getting settled in with Miss Bates, and Mrs. Wheatley told them she would have lunch ready in an hour or so.
Samuel helped Alexander saddle Hannibal and another horse, to go for their ride. Apollo was stabled to rest after the long ride from London.
Alexander and Samuel rode down to the beach, and Alexander said, "In this very spot is where I made the worst decision of my life. I decided to send Miss Heywood away instead of asking for her hand."
Samuel said, ``I take it your talk on the cliff tops did not go well, Xander?"
Alexander replied, "No, it did not. She was cool in her manner and unwilling to listen. However, I realized as I was walking back, that I have changed. The old Alexander would have given up trying because I would have been too caught up in my own sense of failure to see her point of view."
Samuel asked, 'So what are you going to do next?"
Alexander thought about it for a minute and said, "Time is not on my side, or I would say that I would just show her that I can be patient, and I can wait for her to heal before I ask her to forgive me. But I do not have that time, Samuel. She will surely only stay in Sanditon for a short period of time. I may only have a few days."
Samuel said, "What if the girls ask her to tea tomorrow here? I doubt she would refuse them, and you say she genuinely cares about them."
Alexander thought about it and said, "I like the idea, but I need to do this on my own. You see, when I went to see her at Trafalgar House after I sent her away, I made the mistake of telling her Augusta was angry with me, and she thought I had only come to see her because it was what Augusta wanted. Of course, that was not true, but it was the impression I gave."
He continued, "If I am to show her that I am a different man, I must make this right without involving the girls."
Samuel looked at his brother and he said, "I am proud of you, Xander. You really have changed. The old Xander would have given up at the first sign of resistance, but you are willing to fight for her."
Alexander said, "Lady Susan told me that I will hurt her more if I withdraw again, and I can see that she is still hurt from the first wounds I inflicted. I must live with that, and act accordingly. Even if she still loves me, she doesn't trust me, and I will have to work hard to earn that trust back."
Samuel said, "The ball is tomorrow night, and it will prove to be an interesting evening."
Alexander said, "It will, and I hope I will have an opportunity to dance with her. Maybe it will give us a moment to speak."
The two men rode back to Heyrick Park, and the conversation turned to the improvements Alexander had made to the property.
Alexander had new clothes made in London. He was never a vain man, but tonight, he wanted to look his best. Before going downstairs, he took the little black pouch out of his bureau drawer, and he held the ring he purchased for Charlotte in his hand.
He had to have hope, as hurt as she still was, that someday he would place this ring on her finger. He put it back in the bureau and walked downstairs.
The Colbourne brothers and Augusta arrived at the Sanditon Assembly rooms for the ball. Alexander skimmed the room and his eyes found her. Charlotte. She was standing in a small crowd of family and friends. He recognized Declan and his wife Alison, Tom and Mary Parker, Miss Hankins, and another man he did not know. He was standing very near Charlotte and Alexander felt a sense of foreboding wash over him. Who was this man?
Miss Heywood was without a doubt the most beautiful woman in the room in her blue gown that showed her beautiful figure to every advantage.
He had been so lost in his thoughts that he did not notice Augusta leave his side and go to Miss Heywood. He and Samuel walked over to join them.
Augusta and Miss Heywood embraced. "Miss Heywood, it is lovely to see you again! You must come to tea tomorrow. I have just come from London and have so much to tell you."
Charlotte smiled at her, but did not commit to coming for tea.
Augusta said, "Please allow me to introduce Samuel Colbourne, Uncle's younger brother."
After everyone had greeted both Colbourne brothers, Charlotte introduced the man standing beside her, "This is Mr. Ralph Starling, from Willingden. We are to be married in three months."
Samuel told him later that Alexander had said all the right things, but Alexander honestly could not remember. He had the wind knocked out of his sails, and he felt physically sick. The music began, and couples began making their way to the dance floor, including Charlotte and Mr. Starling.
Augusta was asked to dance by a young man she had met before at the balls in Sanditon.
Alexander's feet seemed glued to the floor, so Samuel prompted his brother to step outside so he could regain his composure.
Georgiana had missed nothing of the exchange even though she was greeting her guests with Arthur at her side.
She almost felt sorry for Mr. Colbourne. Almost. She did not think Charlotte was making the right decision for her life, but as her best friend, she did not know if Alexander Colbourne was the right choice either. She was going to keep a close eye on Charlotte this evening.
Georgiana had taken the risk of upsetting Charlotte by inviting the Colbourne family to the ball, but she felt Charlotte needed closure if she was ever going to be happy with Ralph Starling. Charlotte had told her last night that she still loved Colbourne, but she did not trust him. She would rather marry a man she did not love but trusted than to marry a man she did love but did not trust.
Samuel advised Alexander to ask her to dance, so he did. She was standing with several other people when he asked, and while she hesitated for a moment, she did accept. The dance was the cotillon and their hands did touch. It took his breath away to touch her after so long, but she seemed entirely unaffected. He found that he did not have anything to say to her because he was still reeling from the news of her engagement. All too soon the dance ended, and he felt bereft to have to let her go.
The whole evening passed in a blur for Alexander, and he was quiet all the way home from the ball.
When they got to Heyrick Park, he said goodnight to his brother and niece, checked on Leo, then went to his room.
He got dressed for bed and went to stand by the window.
Engaged! She was engaged to another man. He could barely breathe all night after learning her news. It hurt deeply. It was an obstacle he had not expected. He could not give up yet. He knew she still cared for him, and he had not hidden his feelings from her when they danced.
He felt discouraged, but not defeated. There was still a chance to change her mind.
He was so tired. He crawled into his bed and fell into a troubled sleep.