Amenadiel is fast. She's never flown with an angel before. Apparently she's spent months with one, well, a former one, but no wings of course. She didn't realize what it would be like. She was a novitiate once, not a great one and she had to leave, but she was. More than once in her very devout life, Ella has imagined what it would feel like to fly and, yeah, more accurately what it would be like to be flown, to be carried into heaven. But with Amenadiel, it's so fast that she's left trying to keep herself from vomiting all over again when he settles her on a sofa.
Her head is spinning, but she blinks up and regards a wide-eyed Linda hovering over her while Amenadiel settles his wings behind his back. He won't stay long, especially since Maze can't really restrain Michael on her own. She's way stronger than even Ella realized because, again, freaking actual demon, but Michael is more than that and if he wants to run, even without his wings, he can.
And it pains Ella all over again, because despite everything, Michael didn't look like he was going to run. He looked like he'd just given up.
She shakes her head and curls up on the sofa. Damn him too. Not literally; she doesn't want that. And now she's completely in a world where that's not just a possibility, but it's actually something Lucifer will do soon enough. And her heart breaks because it all felt real, but that's whatever charm Michael held over her.
And yet…
She doesn't know, but after Pete, she thought she was being smarter, but she wasn't.
She never will be.
"Whoa, Ella? I didn't know you were dropping in," Linda stammers. She cuts her gaze to Amenadiel. "What happened?"
Amenadiel crosses his arms over his chest and gruffly barks out one word: "Michael."
Linda is there beside her soon on the sofa, setting her hands on Ella's shoulders. "Hey, Ella, did he hurt you? I'm not that kind of doctor, and it's been a while since I've had to patch anyone up, but are you okay? Did he break anything?"
She laughs, and it is not a lucid noise. It's a bubbling cackle that makes her want to never stop.
Linda takes her hand in her own. "Amenadiel, what did he do?"
"A lot. I…I have to go back to get him. Maze and I will take him to Lucifer's. Take care of her, please." Amenadiel shoots a guilty look towards her, and Ella wants to scream but she can't stop laughing.
Still, maybe if anyone had told her anything that was real around her, she'd have been better prepared. Maybe.
There's a flap of wings, and Amenadiel is just gone. Linda hurries about in a flurry of motion. She pulls out her cell and calls Eve-that Eve-and Ella laughs harder, realizing that she'd made out long ago while high on molly with the first woman. That crazy ass fact aside, Linda arranges for Eve to come and sit with Charlie, a literal angel baby, in his nursery so that she can take care of Ella. Linda flutters about gathering a few other things, and soon enough Ella's being led up the stairs to a spare bedroom. It's pleasant with clean, white walls, a queen bed with sunny yellow comforter, and a few of those carvings from Michael's (the store) that read things she'd usually agree with like "live, laugh, love."
It doesn't really strike her as Linda's style, since the doctor is a realist. Secretly, even as her laughs finally die down, Ella has to wonder if Amenadiel has had a hand in the guest room too.
She thinks he has.
Linda pulls back the comforter, and Ella slips into the sheets. They are cool to her touch, and she almost shivers. It is always warm with Michael, too warm really, but angels and goddesses, apparently, run like furnaces. The coolness of this bed is a contrast to the last months of her life. And the gulf that cracked open inside of her the minute Maze yanked Michael from their bed fissures even wider.
Tears are staining her cheeks; she can feel them.
Linda sets a mug of tea on the bedside table nearest Ella and sits in the bed too, on the other side. She doesn't do more than set a calm, reassuring hand on Ella's shoulder, but she's there, and it feels like it's all tethering her to reality because ever since everything with Michael was revealed, reality is the last thing she's been living in.
"You only have to tell me whatever you think you can, Ella. If you just need to sleep or sip tea, then you can do that. If you need to cry and can't say it, that's all right. But you're in shock, and I can't leave you alone. But I'm here."
"I…I can't," she says, the words leaving her taking all she had. She's just so drained. "Can I…do you mind if I sleep, Linda?"
Her friend squeezes her shoulder. "Just rest, Ella. You're safe. I promise you that."
She wakes several hours later screaming. It's all muddled in her head: the accident, her exorcism, Pete's hands around her throat. Michael…but not recently. No. She saw him as she first really encountered him in the back alley, when he left her attacker cowering the way only the Angel of Fear ever could. The power rippling through him, but that ire in her dream didn't end with her memory, with the douchebag who got the upper hand. No. When she wakes up covered in a cold sweat and crying, she feels like his eyes and rage were turned on her too.
Linda hugs her tightly. "Ella, you're at my house. You're in Los Angeles. Amenadiel's been back a while. He's downstairs, and Lucifer has Michael. You're safe."
She doesn't feel safe. She feels cold and small and dirty. She feels the chill of the holy water on her temples and smells the stench of lilies. Pete's hands are on her neck and Michael's touch is…
Ella jumps up and almost falls. She's so dizzy; Linda's under her left side to steady her.
"You're still very out of it, Ella, and that's understandable. Let me help you. Do you want to get cleaned up?"
She nods and Linda helps her to the adjoining bathroom. Ella sits on the toilet as Linda preps an ample jacuzzi tub with bubble bath and then sits on a stool nearby.
"You're unsteady, so if you need help…"
Ella nods and undresses slowly, almost falls once, and lets Linda help her with her t-shirt. The doctor also steadies her as she ascends the couple of steps and settles into a tub more like a small kiddie pool, and, damn, she should have been doctor. She's missed out.
Linda adds a lavender bath bomb to the water and it turns a light shade of lilac before her, even as her friend pulls the curtain across and helps to give Ella a semblance of privacy. Even if it's not quite true.
There's a shuffling noise behind the curtain, and the slightest thunk against porcelain, and Ella assumes Linda's settled on the toilet to continue her vigil. She goes about cleaning herself at first, the easy and rote mechanical things that can help her. Shampoo-lather, rinse, repeat just once. Finding a cream rinse and working through her tangles. Then, she picks up a bar of soap that smells of peppermint and cleans under her arms, her face, the rest of her. She returns though to her neck, scrubbing at it eventually with an almost maniacal energy.
She can feel Pete's hand on her neck, and he's hurt and wounded and insane, but she can still feel him from her dreams. His hands…they never should have been there, but they were. She's filthy all over again, and it has to be the water's fault. Lunging forward and splashing water over the edge, Ella yanks on the faucet, blasting hot water till it steams fresh at the faucet's mouth. She leans closer and starts scrubbing her hands harder and harder.
She's making skin peel off them and would continue that way except Linda pulls the curtain back and shouts at her in shock. "Ella, no!"
The doctor switches for the cold water instead and yanks the plug to drain the scalding liquid away. Soon, Linda pulls the soap from Ella's hands and there's a soft, fluffy towel around her shoulders then, giving her that modesty again even as she shivers.
The water needs to scald. It should. Pete has ruined her but before that maybe she was just a crazy, possessed mess or worse. She's been polluted so long that Ella's not sure she knows another way to be.
Linda hugs her tighter. "Ella, I'm right here. Eve and Amenadiel and I…we aren't leaving you. You're safe here, and whatever you need to talk about, when you need to, I'll be here. I…if you need me to get you something to help you sleep, then I can do that too."
"Don't want to dream," she says simply.
"I can prescribe something that will get you to a dreamless level, until you're ready to talk about it." Linda still has her wrapped in the towel and is rubbing her shoulders, trying to keep her from shivering. "Do you want to get out now?"
She nods, and they go through the process again, Linda helping her out and dressing and then settling her on the bed.
Ella dives under the too-cold covers again and, this time, is confused to find a fluffy stuffed rabbit on the bed. "That's not mine."
Linda nods. "Eve bought it on her way over. She thought if you had something to hug, it would help. I thought it might be comforting too, so I slipped it beside you once it was here."
She hugs the cinnamon-colored rabbit to her chest and then yelps. "Oh no!"
"What?"
"Pepe!"
Linda frowns at her as she leans against a white, wicker dresser. "Who?"
"Pepe, the chinchilla. He was on the road with us and I didn't…if we left him in the hotel…it might be too late. They'd probably just take him to animal control to be put down." And for what feels like the hundredth time, Ella breaks down crying. "We had the room until Saturday but I don't…it must be too late."
Linda shakes her head. "It's the shock. Time feels different like this, but it's only been four hours. It's still in the middle of the night where you were. I can send Amenadiel back for him. He's a chinchilla?"
Ella nods. "Amenadiel will know. We got him a little travel cage, but he…Pepe glows in the dark."
Linda's jaw drops a little. "What? How? Did you dye him?"
"No, I…Michael…" And she didn't think she'd be able to even say his name, but she gets through it. "He made Pepe. I mean, it was an accident, but he did. So Pepe's, well, he's a little weird. He's purple, and he glows in the dark like under a blacklight. But he's a good pet, and he doesn't deserve to just be put down cause he's weird."
Linda hugs her and nods. Then, she yanks her cell from her jeans pockets and texts furiously. There are a few beeps after, and Linda rolls her eyes. She types a more furious reply, and then shoves the phone back away. "He's going to get him. Don't worry. It's not like Amenadiel told anyone you'd checked out. At least you can have your, uh, pet. Having a helper animal has proven very therapeutic."
Ella nods and sniffles. "Michael hates him. But Pepe's super nice and…never mind."
"No, if that's the easiest thing to talk about, you should start there. Ella, there's no wrong way to talk about trauma."
Ella shakes her head and holds the rabbit so tightly to her chest it smooshes against her, becoming an indistinguishable mass. "There is though. If you tell people what you're really feeling, then they make all these suggestions, all these sugerencias that don't…that don't help. Not at all. And people say you're crazy, look at you funny. Your family thinks you failed."
Linda nods. "You saw professionals before?"
"When I was a teenager. I had this bad car accident when I was eight, and I wasn't coping at all, and I…I saw things. Now, because I met her, I know that my ghost friend Rae Rae is Michael's sister Azrael."
Linda blinks at that, not really recognizing the name. "Okay, so an angel."
Ella sighs. "You're going to have to learn a lot more about religion if Charlie's grandpa is the Big Guy, you know? Azrael is the angel of death, but I thought she was a ghost and my parents saw me just talking to no one all the time. I…it got bad."
That's the most she can offer in this moment. No one outside of her family knows about the exorcisms but Michael, and she can't…she can't share that much with Linda, not when the nightmares are back and raw in her mind and barely hours old.
Linda sits back on the bed and hugs her tightly. "I have something that will definitely help you sleep, Ella. And you won't dream. You just lean back, I'll get it, and you'll sleep. When you wake up, I promise Pepe?"
She nods.
"Yes, Pepe will be here. Why not have a glowing chinchilla in the house too?" Linda laughs at that, and it's forced, but Ella gets it. Everything with angels is so insane, that if you don't laugh at the absurdity of it, you'll crack apart.
Maybe she already has.
Linda's as good as her word, and whatever pill Ella got helps her sleep a dreamless night away. She wakes not really rested, the same way you might after getting too drunk and passing. She's still restless after. Her eyes are gummy, but with the sunlight streaming through the buttery curtains and the relief of spying Pepe in his travel cage, now situated on the dresser, Ella at least feels…if not real, then at least like she might not float away.
She opens the cage and pulls Pepe out. He barks excitedly and wraps his too-long tail around her left wrist. Ella cradles him to her chest and strokes his head. He makes her feel stronger, and, as fucking insane as it sounds, makes her feel closer to Michael. That should be the last thing she wants, but Ella's so messed up and confused right now that-somehow-this unintended gift from Michael makes her feel better. Like he's actually here, like some part of him is with her.
Nuts right?
She's supposed to hate him, but she can't.
She's also scared that Lucifer has already locked him away in Hell. For all the terrible things Michael's done, Ella doesn't want him there. But even Michael wasn't going to fight his twin on that. He's probably already there, being tortured, lake of fire…all of it.
Ella sniffles but forces herself not to cry out. Instead, she kisses the top of Pepe's nose and takes him with her downstairs. She's starving and, yes, it's very messed up, but all her feelings for Michael are muddled. She's furious and hurt and feels so very used…but no one else was there and even if Michael lied…she's not sure it was one hundred percent an act. She doesn't know anything now, but she does miss him and loathes thinking of him set upon by demons. Holding Pepe is a small, cold comfort, but she needs him.
She's so relieved that Amenadiel saved him.
When she gets down to Linda's kitchen, she finds it a truly full house.
Amenadiel is standing at the stove, frying bacon, and Ella's tummy lurches. That's too much for her on her stomach, but she can see a first batch has been hoarded by Maze. The demon (and holy crap all over again) has a piece between her fingers that she's munching loudly on. To Maze's right, Eve is eating a huge bowl of oatmeal with strawberries in it and looking over the morning paper. She looks up and towards Linda, who is at the head of the table and spooning apple sauce to Charlie, making the airplane noises and everything. The angel baby (also super holy crap) giggles but just pushes the spoon away.
Linda groans. "Solids are good for you too, Charlie."
Eve laughs. "You know, it took a long time to get Abel to stop wanting to nurse. Anyway, Linda, do you know a five letter word for 'sausage?' Trying to finish the crossword before bounty stuff."
"Frank," Ella says. "I mean it could be, but maybe someone has a better guess."
They all but Charlie look up at her now, and study her with rapt fascination. Suddenly, Ella knows what it's like to be on the other end of her microscope. She doesn't like it. But she forces herself to stay cheery and peppy…well as peppy as she can be. She can't stand the idea of them hovering, even though all their suspicions are right, and she's as fragile as glass.
Amenadiel speaks first. He turns from the stove and settles the bacon on a plate. "Ella, what can I get for you?" He even offers Pepe a forced smile but one nevertheless. "We have oatmeal and yogurt and bacon."
"Meat's the best," Maze says. "Get some cholesterol in you."
Linda sighs heavily. "Not always the best to have grease on a troubled stomach, Maze."
Eve nods. "Amenadiel has the best tea. He's collected tons of it. I had some Oolong this morning, but there's a really nice chamomile too, flavored with mint."
Ella's smile fades a little. Eve is being so nice, but the mint makes her think of the soap last night and how hard she scrubbed. Her hands are still a little raw. But she recovers soon enough and sits on the other side of Charlie's highchair. It's more of a defensive move. She hopes that being near an infant will keep her from being talked to as much.
Maybe.
Amenadiel sets the bacon by Maze. "Save me some, okay?"
"You can make more."
He sighs and regards her again, and he is so calming, and Ella really should have known all along. She had flickers of feelings and suspicions for so long, especially after the clean up and samples of huge, white, abnormal feathers at the Pierce shootout. But she kept pushing it all away. Because she'd thought her ghost was real once (and heh, about that), and then gotten holy water thrown in her face and tied to a chair more than once. But it's so obvious now, that aura around Amenadiel of goodness and purity.
Okay, clearly missed Michael, who is, even at his best, kind of a disaster. And Lucifer is a walking innuendo, but Amenadiel is how she always thought an angel would be.
She smiles at him, feeling some ease to her heart. "Some oatmeal would be okay. What Eve has looks pretty good."
Beside her, Charlie has seemingly decided that applesauce is a no-go. Instead, he reaches one hand out to pet Pepe. The chinchilla barks again and flicks his ears…all three of them. Ella notices the moment when Linda realizes it because her eyes go bug-level huge.
"He's…unique," Linda offers.
Eve nods. "He's adorable!"
Maze bites another strip of bacon in half with a vengeance. "He's a mistake. Guess that bitch isn't taking over from their asshole dad any time soon."
"Maze!" Amenadiel says sharply. "You know we don't swear around Charlie."
"He's not even a year old. No way he knows what I'm saying. Besides, it's true. That thing looks cursed."
Ella rolls her eyes. "Pepe is great. He's been on the road with me for months and…anyway, he's very friendly."
Okay, so Pepe and Michael ironically didn't get along much, but her chinchilla adores her. So, she figures he'll be nice to Charlie. So far, Pepe is sitting quietly, occasionally flicking one ear as Charlie strokes his head.
Linda carefully pulls Charlie's hand back and gets some hand sanitizer from her pocket. She starts cleaning both hands as she speaks mostly to her son. "Soft, see? Can you say 'soft,' Charlie?"
"He's probably still a little young for talking," Eve adds. "Cain actually got there faster than his brother, but then he just learned to mostly scream no constantly. His terrible twos were a lot."
Maze snorts. "His everything else was pretty shitty too."
Ella blinks around the table even as Amenadiel sets the bowl before her. Because Lucifer had a complete meltdown to her once talking about how Pierce was Cain or something and even Dan had mentioned that to her in the stairwell, that it was all collapsing so fast after Charlotte and there was no one to trust and Lucifer was way gone on the high frontier with bullshit theories but that wasn't…
"Cain was my boss," Ella says, her voice flat.
Amenadiel sets the spoon in the bowl and sighs. "We should have told you a lot of things sooner."
"I made out super high with the first woman whose son was my boss, also an evil crime lord which hey makes sense cause first murderer. And her girlfriend is a real, literal demon, which hey helpful cause she stopped my…stopped Michael long enough for my other friend's baby daddy who's an angel with actual wings still to come and get me and it all goes back to my dumbass, terrible method actor buddy Lucifer, who's really just the devil with random hobbies because why not work for the LAPD if you're rich and like all powerful?"
Maze snorts. "Lucifer is not all powerful."
Amenadiel almost seems to pout at that. "You know, my reputation is as Dad's strongest warrior."
She picks up the bowl with her free hand, still hungry but too overwhelmed to be with so many people she truly knew nothing about, too many reminders of their share of lies too. Ella stands again and looks at Linda.
"You're just a human, right? Cause now would be the time to tell me if you're a leprechaun or something."
"Well, Linda's not very tall," Eve muses while Maze cackles a little.
"Maze, please." Linda sighs and shakes her head. "No, just as normal as you."
Ella stops herself from saying that Linda is probably far more normal than she's ever been and just shrugs. "I…thanks guys. This whole breakfast thing is super nice, but I…think I'm gonna grab some grub back in my room with Pepe, okay? It's too much."
She stands and hurries up to her room, even as Linda promises to visit later. Ella knows they mean well, that they're just trying to fix it and her. But she's barely processing everything and just being reminded of how much they hid from her and how weird it all is keeps making it worse.
She just can't.
Back upstairs, she shuts the door but finds its lock has been disabled. She's not really surprised. Linda probably doesn't trust her to be completely alone and out of pocket. It's fair. Her mamí was like that when she was in high school. Ella sets Pepe away, giving him a spare strawberry slice as a treat, and eats quickly enough, her tummy rumbling until she's finished. She's in her jammies from last night still, and feels, somehow, if she gets dressed at least she'll feel less like a bum.
Even if she's planning to stay here, pet Pepe sometimes, and watch completely pointless reruns of her favorite animes on Crunchy Roll and not think one bit about angels and demons and everything in between. Amenadiel's brought her suitcases too, and she probably owes him for a few trips back and forth between Louisiana and California last night.
Which, sure, he's an angel and was able to do it, but she should get him a thank you card. It's just polite.
She opens the first suitcase, looking for a t-shirt, and grabs the first bit of cotton she finds. Ella shakes it out and sniffles all over again. It's so very stupid. It's just a novelty t-shirt, but here it is. It's the one from The Roadkill Café, but it's not hers. Hers is probably somewhere, but it's her size and bright pink. The one she has now is a large because of how damn tall Michael still gets to be as a woman. He bitched (when didn't he) when she first gave it to him. But he ended up sleeping in it more often than not.
She should shove it away, should rummage till she finds the pink one. That's more her style anyway. But instead, she brings it to her nose, inhales deeply, and it still smells like Michael, which granted is mostly whatever was the free shampoo and body wash at the hotel and minty toothpaste. But it's mixed also with something all him.
And she's so messed up and confused and twisted, but she misses him.
If he's in Hell already and forever, well, all she has left of whatever they were to each other is one neon chinchilla and his old t-shirt. It's a small haul, but she sighs and slips it on over her. Then, crawling into bed, she cues up her app on the TV, grabs the stuffed bunny-a very sweet gift from Eve all things considered-and tries to zone out.
To not feel anything at all.