Chapter 13 – Introspection

Author's Note: In which Anakin breaks down, Obi-Wan does some self-reflection, and Ahsoka talks to her master. :)

~ Amina Gila

The moment Obi-Wan is gone, Anakin lets himself break, throwing up his shields as high as he can so no one will sense it, not even Ani. He's been holding this all in for so long that it's as if a dam as broken, emotions pouring out in a rush. He usually keeps himself together by any means necessary because he can't afford to take the time to let loose, not when it means that he'll have to take the time to drag together a semblance of control again.

But now... he buries his face in his hands as he sobs, the pain and uncertainty and guilt from the past Force-knows-how-long unwinding as it's given an outlet. He wants – he wants so many things, things which he shouldn't want since he's a Jedi, but things that he still... wants. He craves an acceptance and comfort that he only ever has gotten from his mother when he was a child... and Padme after that, but it's not the same. It's not the same. Padme is his wife. He's supposed to protect her, not the other way around, though he'll never deny her the chance to help him. She can help, but she can't heal him the way he so desperately needs to be.

He hates feeling this way, so miserable and unhappy all the time, but he buries it under the duties and obligations of the war. He has to protect his men. He has to protect Ahsoka. He has to do his utmost – even if it's not enough and never will be enough for the Jedi – to help the worlds that need it. And under the duties and obligations, Anakin has been able to hide the growing pain and discontent inside of him.

For so long, he thought that Obi-Wan's attitude was simply... because of who he was. He accepted that Obi-Wan would always say things that sometimes would rub him the wrong way, burrowing under his skin and ripping at him hard though he tries to hide and dispel the stinging hurt. It was common enough that it had ceased to bother him; he grew used to brushing it aside, reacting with equally needling remarks if his frustration and irritation boiled over, though he always hated himself for it afterwards.

But now, seeing that it is not the way it has to be... it hurts. It hurts, because he can't change the way things are, can't continue to suppress the inherent need within him, the craving to find comfort and protection in a galaxy that makes no sense to him more often than not. He's gotten so used to faking it, to pretending that he fits into this world that is so very different from everything he knew as a child, that he'd almost forgotten how difficult it is, at times. He doesn't always know how to react, how to treat people, how to behave in a way that most beings consider normal.

He grew up in a completely different environment than most people, and he sometimes can't help but feel lesser when compared to them, because he doesn't know. He doesn't know how to behave and act the way that freed people do. And he's learned how to fake it, but more often than not, he doesn't really... feel that way. (He wants to be held, comforted the way he was when he was a child, when his mother was there, the only constant – however temporary – in his life.)

Anakin calms down after a while, sniffing and wiping away his tears. Crying fixes nothing, he knows, but it's still a way for him to let go of emotions that are too overwhelming even if it leaves him feeling drained and exhausted afterwards. Standing, he reaches out to the kyber crystal's pained song, following it through the apartment to Obi-Wan's bedroom. The lightsaber is in a drawer by Obi-Wan's bed – he doesn't take the time to consider why it is there – and he picks it up without a second thought, cradling it in his hands.

It feels like Custos, emanating the same dark energy that the Sith's Force signature does. He lets himself remember, for a moment, the gentle, caring way the Sith treated him, the way he held him so protectively. It hurts, of course, to indulge in a memory of something now beyond his grasp, but it also helps. It grounds him, keeps him centered for a moment. He clips the lightsaber hilt to his belt, opposite his own, planning to give it to Ani when he returns. If nothing else, the child should have that much, at least, from his father.

Letting out a shaky breath, Anakin makes himself more presentable as he prepares to leave the apartment and go scouting like he had initially planned. The ventilation shafts have long since become familiar to him, and he's confident that he'll go undetected.

**w**

Family is... important to us. He doesn't have a family here.

For some reason, Ani's words, more than any others are circling in Obi-Wan's mind. It doesn't make sense. Ani seemed so genuine, but at the same time, he surely must be misinformed by Custos about how the Jedi work. Anakin did struggle, in the past, with fitting in – Obi-Wan knows that, of course – but for him to not consider the Jedi as family? That's what doesn't make sense. It hurts, too, to think that Anakin might not consider him family or Ahsoka. Or even Senator Amidala, though he would never say that. He's not blind; he knows there's something going on between them, even if neither of them actually talks about it.

Or maybe Obi-Wan is simply reading too much into Ani's words, because he had been talking about the Jedi being Anakin's family. Maybe the child was referring to the Jedi as opposed to specific individuals. Because Anakin is Obi-Wan's family. He doesn't know what kind of label he would put on their relationship, and he wouldn't do so anyways, because it is not the Jedi way to form such deep attachments. But then again, he is the epitome of a perfect, non-attached Jedi – sarcasm absolutely intended.

He lets out a breath, one which is more frustrated than he intended, trying to let his mind drift properly into the Force. To bolster the effectiveness of his meditation, he'd even come to his preferred spot in the Room of One Thousand Fountains. It's not working. Rarely has Obi-Wan struggled this much with something so simple and fundamental to a Jedi. It's been many years.

He doesn't – he's so confused right now, and no one is helping him sort any of this out. And this isn't something he can go to Yoda or Windu about, because he is, if he's being fully honest with himself, not doing this out of duty, out of a suspicion that Custos is maliciously influencing Anakin. It's more than that; he's doing this because he...

It's not a thought he can even bring himself to finish, lest the guilt of his failings overwhelm him. No wonder his meditation is failing. So, he lets go of the frustration, letting the Force flow through him, though not with the ease he would like. There is no emotion, there is peace. Letting himself relax in the comforting warmth of the Light Side, Obi-Wan lets himself acknowledge the truth: he was afraid. He was – is – afraid that Anakin will walk away from him, leave him behind as so many others have.

Attachments have always been Obi-Wan's biggest weaknesses. He struggles to let people go. He struggles with watching them leave or die or become distant with time. And he is a Jedi, first and foremost. He knows he should not hold on so tightly, but he does, and it is a weakness which he always endeavors to hide. He doesn't want anyone to know how much he fails with respect to the no-attachment rule. Perhaps that is why he always pushes Anakin to learn to let go, so he can succeed where Obi-Wan has failed.

And yet... perhaps there is a part of him which knows and accepts – or thought, at least – that Anakin would never learn that particular thing, that he would always hold on tightly. He would never leave Obi-Wan because of his own fears of loss. At least, that is what Obi-Wan had thought. And he hates how right Custos was about that. He was being selfish. He is still being selfish, and the only guilt he feels is guilt that he does not feel guilty about that failing.

He doesn't regret caring for Anakin as deeply as he does or wanting to keep him with him. Perhaps it is wrong – it is wrong, he knows, for a Jedi to love so selfishly – but that is how it is. For so long, he has been in the presence of Anakin's unwavering affection that it jarred him to see that same affection being focused on someone else. It wasn't that Anakin cared for Custos as much as it was that he seemed to be choosing him over Obi-Wan. It's not that Anakin sought his support as much as it was that seemed to be changing the way he behaved towards Obi-Wan.

And, Obi-Wan is very ashamed of the part of his mind that seethes with jealousy at the thought of Anakin no longer caring for him, caring for someone else the way he's always cared for Obi-Wan. You're the closest thing I have to a father, Anakin had said once, and he made many similar comments over the years.

Oh.

It's as if something suddenly clicks in his head, and he feels very foolish for not realizing it sooner. But the jealousy in him twists, surging in response to this new revelation. Anakin sees Custos as a father because he sees Obi-Wan that way. And perhaps it wouldn't matter if not for the fact that Obi-Wan is not his father. He never can be. He is a Jedi; he is Anakin's master, former master, and nothing more. He had accepted that he could never indulge Anakin's feelings in such a manner, not the way Anakin might have liked.

And is he then turning to Custos, hoping that he will fill the void Obi-Wan will not and cannot? He doesn't even want to consider such a question, not with the amount of jealousy and pain it invokes. Losing Anakin is... unthinkable. He doesn't think he could survive this war if Anakin wasn't at his side, lightening his darkest moments, keeping him grounded and sane. It's probably not healthy for him to feel this way, feeding his attachment instead of letting it go, but the war is changing all of them. The most they can do is try to survive it and deal with the aftermath when it's finally over.

What Obi-Wan wants to do is very un-Jedi-like, so he will let those urges go, or at least try do so. He won't claim Anakin as his, much as he would like to. His former Padawan, his best friend, his little brother, his – his son. (His Anakin.) He cannot think that way though, not when it goes against every Jedi ideal. He cannot indulge in his emotions, in his attachments. Anakin knows this. And yet... seeing Custos and Ani, seeing them together in a way that he and Anakin will never be... Obi-Wan can understand why Anakin might be thrown off-balance by it.

But, Obi-Wan cannot let his feelings cloud his judgement. For all that Custos might have helped Ani – and even Anakin – he is still a Sith and leaving the Chosen One under his influence is... dangerous. The Dark Side will forever dominate someone who succumbs to it, and Custos is no different. Obi-Wan wants to help Anakin and Ani both, but he doesn't know how to do so without defying the Council. He won't do that. He can't do it, even for them, even if it kills him to do so.

**w**

Anakin is... stressed, Ahsoka realizes, when he returns to the apartment. The holofilm has finished playing, and Ani is lying against her still, gaze vacant, though he's not actively breaking down, so she doesn't disturb him. Anakin's expression is similar, though there's far more conflict and resignation in his posture than she likes.

"Here," he says without preamble, holding out a lightsaber hilt to Ani. "I found this."

The boy sucks in a breath, lunging for the hilt and holding it tightly in a way which lets Ahsoka know that it was his father's. A pang goes through her heart at the sight, and she gently eases away from him, slowly enough that he can stop her if he wants to. He doesn't, so she stands, approaching her master where he stands in front of the couch. She really does want to talk to him about what she discovered, but she isn't going to leave Ani alone to do so. They'll have to keep their voices down to keep their conversation private.

"Obi-Wan was here," she tells Anakin, wanting nothing more than to burrow into his arms and hug him as fiercely as tightly as she has Ani, but she restrains herself for the moment. First, she wants to talk. Then, they can cuddle.

Some unnamed emotion flickers over Anakin's face. "He said he was going to come speak with Ani," he replies, obviously being mindful of the fact that Ani is there. Somehow, Ahsoka doubts that the child is paying them any attention, too focused on trying to draw some comfort from the lightsaber he's cradling.

"I don't think it helped him figure anything out," she admits, "But he was planning to speak with Custos." She hesitates for a moment, trying to figure out how to put into words what she's discovered about her master. "Ani... said something though, about... both of you."

"What is it?" Anakin asks, clearly recognizing that she's attempting to broach a sensitive subject. He reaches out, resting a hand on her shoulder.

"He mentioned... your childhood," she confesses, looking up at Anakin's bright blue eyes, which are now dimmed, the exhaustion in them obvious enough that the blue is almost gray. Anakin tenses, and she rushes to continue before he can stop her. "I don't – I know why you never wanted to talk about it, and... I'm – I'm sorry you had to... go through something like that." It feels almost awkward, only because this isn't something they ever talk about.

She doesn't pity him, of course, for what he endured, but she now can see the signs so clearly. His submissiveness, for example, which she was only wondering about yesterday. It makes so much sense now. All of it. Anakin went through hell – maybe even literally – but it didn't make him into a bitter, dark person. There is a definite edge to him, she knows, a darkness which is deep enough to make her cautious – not fear though; she'll never fear him, not when she recognizes the innate darkness within herself – but it's belied by the sheer lightness and goodness which makes him who he is as a person.

Anakin pulls back from her, a myriad of emotions whirling through him, chaotic enough that she can sense them, even though he's shielding. Ahsoka doesn't let him go; she doesn't want to let him close himself off from her, so she lunges forwards, wrapping her arms around him and hugging him the way she wanted to when she found out.

"It's okay, Skyguy," she promises, intentionally not calling him 'master' now, not after what she told him, not after what she found out. "You're still you, and I'm not going anywhere."

Anakin lets out a breath, something like relief washing through him as his arms come up to hug her tightly, pressing his forehead down to the top of her head between her montrals. He doesn't say anything, not immediately, but there's nothing he needs to say anyways. "You are... a gift, Snips," he whispers, voice sounding suspiciously close to tears – oh no; not again – though she doesn't look to confirm. "I am so grateful that I know you."

"Right back atcha," she murmurs happily, leaning her head against his chest and continuing to hold him. Neither of them moves for a long time.

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