"You ok, Buck?" Steve looked him up and down as he took another swing at the punching bag with a grunt.
"I think I fucked up," another grunt, "I keep doing that."
"Whadya do this time?"
Bucky stopped punching long enough to glare at him, "I don't want to talk about it."
So Steve shrugged and went back to lifting weights until Bucky finally broke.
"It's Darcy," he sighed, "I think… I think I hurt her feelings, again."
"Buck," Steve said, "Not so good at this modern day dating are you?"
This got a snort from Bucky, "We weren't dating, Steve. And it was my fault, she wanted to. She wanted more out of me, and I panicked…"
Steve clapped him on the shoulder, "Did you want to date her back?"
Bucky nodded, "But that's never gonna happen. You know she told me she had plans tonight with Nat tonight? Nat's in fucking Omsk this week."
Steve laughed, "Buck, what exactly did you say?"
"I think it's what I didn't say… again. She started leaving her toothbrush at my place. I think I was supposed to ask her to move in… This is all new to me, do people really do all of this before they get married now?"
Steve clutches his chest laughing, "You old fart. Yes Buck, people move in together before getting married now."
Bucky slumps down on the bench and guzzles his water, smirking at Steve, "What about sex, Stevie?"
Steve choked, "Oh Buck, as if you've never done a premarital deed before."
If it was true, Bucky didn't remember it. He knew he'd been less than selective when it came to who he locked lips with, or at least that's what he'd heard. A lot of what he knew about his past felt meaningless, it was all stuff he'd gotten second-hand. He remembered Steve, obviously, and a select few other buddies along the way. He knew there were other girls… but he was sure there had never been another Darcy.
"I liked what we had," Bucky says, "I liked that we were just kind of… meshing. I didn't know I was supposed to tell her I wanted it to keep going. If I'm being honest, I didn't know how to tell her that."
"Well you're going to have to start by apologizing for whatever stupid thing you said that made her go storming off to Russia," Steve winked at him and went to run on the treadmill, leaving Bucky to wallow in his own thoughts.
How was he supposed to tell Darcy how he truly felt, when up until she left this morning, it hadn't truly dawned on him exactly how he felt? How was he supposed to tell her that he wanted her to leave all of her toiletries at his place, and her gym bag, and her stupid collection of DC action figures, and her whole entire wardrobe…
Maybe it was better she'd planned not to stay the night. Maybe it was better she was mad at him, so Bucky wouldn't have to formulate the words to tell her how much she meant to him. Maybe it was for the best if she just didn't know his true feelings, because what good would that do her?
Bucky let out a sigh, he couldn't justify letting Darcy in on just how deeply he cared for her. There was still that nagging feeling in his mind that the darkness from his past would swoop down and grab him in its talons, and he'd go back to behaving in unspeakable ways.
No, he thought to himself, no, I can't tell her I love her, because to love her would mean putting her in danger, and I can't do that. Not to Darcy…
Current Threat Level: elevated