Notes: This one is VERY NSFW at the end!

Chapter 17: Nightingale and Direwolf

Elissa gazed upon the open urn. The Ashes of Andraste lay before her, the heat that they somehow still retained warming the air itself. It was a warmth that went straight to Elissa's soul, a warmth that she had needed without even quite realizing how much—until now.

The meeting with the vision of her father had not been the final challenge. She and her companions had had to fight doubles of themselves, glamours that seemed to manifest their own darkest aspects. It was clear enough what the point was—to defeat their dark sides—but that did not make it less unsettling.

Elissa had been very disturbed at first upon seeing that figure, its eyes devoid of any warmth or empathy, just anger and an amoral, cynical determination to do whatever it took to win. Is that really what I could become? she had thought for one brief moment—before the glamour had attacked not Elissa herself, but Leliana, the real Leliana, aiming directly at the scar on her chest where Marjolaine had knifed her. Of course, that would be a sore old wound, and lunging at her there would provoke traumatic-memory shock that would hurt her fighting capacity. It was logical—and absolutely depraved. And that, an act of personal cruelty directed at Leliana, was what it took to enrage Elissa enough to defeat the evil double of herself.

Leliana and Wynne had also had evil doubles—the dog and wolf, Elissa noted, quickly dispatched their own, further confirming to her that animals were purer at heart than people—and Elissa supposed that that experience was just as meaningful to them as it was to herself.

The final test before they had been allowed to see the Ashes was to disrobe and walk through a ferocious fire. They had made it through unburnt. It momentarily crossed Elissa's mind that this was the first time she had seen Leliana nude, but in this moment, there was nothing sexual about it. They all had nothing but their Maker-created skin, a sacred rather than an erotic act.

Now, of course, they were dressed again; the moment of faith ended and the worldly reality of nudity took over again when the fire vanished, and it seemed inappropriate to peer at the mortal remains of Andraste while naked.

But at last, they were in her holy presence.

As a girl, Elissa had been a devout Andrastian, wanting to do right and be faithful. She had even worried about such things as whether it was all right to consider that Andraste might have had a mabari. She smiled at that memory. I do not know if she did, but the temple of her ashes is welcoming enough to a mabari and a wolf! Andraste must have valued companion animals.

As she grew older and sad events began to happen to her, her faith had transformed from the eager faith of a child who admired cheerful pictures in her illustrated Chant of Light, to a faith spotted with weariness and cynicism about the world. It had taken a turn darker still this year. The traumas of Howe's betrayal, Ostagar, the Circle, and Redcliffe had begun to mold her into a woman who no longer believed that the Maker cared two coppers about His Children.

She still did not have an answer for why terrible things happened. A terrible thing had happened to Andraste herself, after all, Elissa thought as she gazed upon the Ashes. The Gauntlet did not attempt to explain why. Elissa supposed that the "free will" explanation—that complexity and the freedom to choose were the Maker's gifts to His Second Children, and conscience, virtue, and even repentance meant nothing if evil choices did not exist too—made as much sense as she could ask for.

That means that our deeds in life matter, she thought, considering this. We were given a choice so that we could understand what it meant to make the right ones. We need to understand so that we can grow. The spirits, the First Children, are formed in a perfect state and can only fall, become demons, if they are forced to act against their nature. We are not like that. We can face the reality of evil and grow from it. What we do matters. And if we do wrong and others suffer for it, the Maker weeps for their suffering too.

Leliana is right. The Maker has not turned His gaze from us. My father told me himself. The Maker knows my heart.

Tears of emotion formed in her gray-blue eyes and silently trickled down her cheeks.

And that means He has taken care of the ones I lost. It means He's taking care of me. I do not know if the Blight is His punishment for sin as hunger and famine were the punishment for Tevinter that Andraste's armies took advantage of, but whether it is or not, He doesn't intend the Blight to last forever. We are His Children. We must defeat it. I must defeat it. And I shall.

She gazed at her companions and noticed that they were not crying, but they bore no amusement, judgment, or pity for Elissa for the fact that she had. Their expressions were just as awed and humbled even without tears. The dog and wolf stood back, observing the humans silently.

They seemed all to come to an agreement that it was time to gather a pinch of ashes and respectfully depart. Elissa withdrew a pouch that she had brought for this purpose and retrieved a tiny pinch, not wanting to deplete the remains of Andraste too greatly.

Will they be safe here? she wondered as they silently, reverently turned away. The Gauntlet lets anyone in who is worthy, yet there is a finite amount of Sacred Ashes. Perhaps something should be done...

But those thoughts were quickly erased from her mind as they stepped outside and saw the shadow of the dragon.

"Brother Genitivi, by all means write up your account," Elissa said, feeling a pang of regret for the fact that she quickly had to take up practical matters when they entered the snowy temple. "But there is a High Dragon here. No one can safely come and go from this place while it remains."

"Are you sure that we shouldn't try to defeat it?" Leliana asked innocently. "It would clear the path for pilgrims. Andraste belongs to all the world."

"I think maybe we shouldn't clear the path for pilgrims just yet," Elissa said. "The Gauntlet will let anyone through that it deems worthy and allows them to take ashes away. The Ashes need to be closely observed by living people. That way there could be pilgrims to see Andraste's remains without... well, without more people like us," she concluded with a self-deprecating chuckle.

"This was a journey of faith," Leliana said.

Elissa paused and gave her a sincere smile. "Yes, it was. And I feel renewed in mine."

"I'm so glad!"

"But we also took a pinch of Ashes away. That's what I meant by 'people like us.'" The smile faded. "For now, the dragon is an additional guard, I suppose. Besides, I'm still a Grey Warden, and I have a great task ahead of me. The dragon wasn't interested in us, so it would be a dereliction of that duty to pick an unnecessary fight with it that could easily get us all killed." She gave them a wry look. "I have to be alive to fight a different, Blighted dragon that is very interested in everyone."

"Oh, very well," grumbled the scholar as he rejoined them. "I suppose the Chantry itself will send an expedition to deal with it if they take this account seriously."

Genitivi joined them, as he was not getting anywhere on his own. Redcliffe was the closest settlement of any size and the services of a Healer would be of immeasurable benefit to his lame leg. He and Wynne formed a pair and spent a great deal of the return trip talking about books that they had read. Elissa made note of the fact that Wynne was such a bookworm; she'd picked up a couple of interesting-looking tomes here and there but hadn't had the chance to open them herself. Perhaps she should give them to the mage instead.

But this freed Elissa to talk with Leliana.

"I thought about what you said," Leliana said quietly as they passed Haven. "I think you are right about protecting the Ashes. Perhaps I should tell my priest, Mother Dorothea, about this. She could make a private pilgrimage and preserve the remaining part."

"Don't put her in danger of dragonfire," Elissa exclaimed, "but... maybe you, she, and Genitivi should plan this out."

Leliana nodded. "It must be done carefully. The world has a right to know of this find, but it would be a terrible wrong if our good intentions resulted in the loss of the Ashes."

Elissa agreed with a silent nod.

They walked on silently for a while before Leliana spoke again. "There was a moment, in the Gauntlet, just before we had to fight our dark doubles, when I... spoke with a vision of someone. Was it like that for you?"

The memory of her father flooded her suddenly, and with it, a rush of emotion. Her voice was husky as she replied. "It was," she said. "I saw a vision of..." She stopped abruptly as a lump filled her throat.

"You do not have to tell me if you don't want to," Leliana said gently.

Elissa swallowed. "No. I need to talk about it now. I saw... my father."

Leliana moved close to her and took her hand in her own, rubbing Elissa's fingers in gentle circles. "It sounded like him?"

"It sounded just like him," Elissa said. She blinked away tears. "I wonder if, somehow, it really was my father, sent from the heavens beyond the Fade. I don't suppose I'll ever know in life. But... it sounded just like him. It was... very comforting."

Leliana smiled.

Elissa took a breath. "He told me that he understood how I felt, the pain and anger that I carried, and that... the Maker did too. When I gazed upon the Ashes, I understood what that meant, truly. He never turned His gaze from us. He does care about us. My father told me so, in his way. And... he, my father, told me that he loved me and forgave me. Not that he blamed me, of course, but... I think he told me that in case I needed to hear it. Which I did."

Leliana squeezed her hand.

"And he told me that... I could be a hero... and... other things." Suddenly Elissa did not want to tell Leliana that her father had said she could know true love. It almost felt like a jinx to say it. "I'm just... glad that I got to see him like that, healthy and whole, not dying. That was the last I saw of him in Highever, covered in his own blood. That was my last memory. I'm so glad to see him as he was supposed to be one last time."

"I'm glad that you did as well," Leliana said. "Tell me... did he say anything about your brother?"

"No," Elissa said, "and I didn't ask. I don't think he would have told me if I had. I think I'm meant to fight the Blight and accept that I can't help Fergus, if he is alive."

This was very significant to Leliana in consideration of her own vision. Elissa was darker and sadder than Leliana herself, but that made it easier for her to accept when she could not do anything, even for someone she loved.

"Whom did you see?" Elissa finally asked.

"I saw someone that... I had cared for very much."

"Marjolaine?"

"No, not her. Another woman, another former partner. Someone that I too believed I might have failed, with whom I had unfinished business."

"How do you think you failed her?" Elissa asked curiously. This was the first she had heard of this. She supposed that it was to be expected that Leliana had had other relationships that meant something to her in addition to the one with Marjolaine. She herself had, after all, and had barely told Leliana anything about them. Talking about one's past relationships was often awkward when getting to know a new potential partner. She didn't want to talk about them and she found that the other person often didn't want to hear about them. She supposed it was different with regard to Marjolaine because that one had ended in violence and avowed enmity rather than a normal breakup. Leliana would have no fond feelings left for Marjolaine—but this other person, whom she saw in the Gauntlet, was apparently different.

Meanwhile, Leliana was unsure how to even begin to answer that. At this point, she thought that telling Elissa the whole sad story would merely distract her from the task that the vision of Caitlyn had set her to do, to let her go. She also thought that Elissa might have a disgruntled reaction to being told the real reason for her inquiry at the Circle, the meaning of her emotional breakdown upon hearing the fate of Lothering, all of it, after the fact, and after she had deflected Elissa's questions with half-truths. Best to put it in the past indeed.

"I made her a promise that I was unable to keep," she said simply. "I did not cheat on her or anything of that sort. I made this promise as I ended our relationship, in fact. We had had difficulties toward the last due to a situation that was causing pain for her, and although it was over between us, I promised that I would find... something... for her that I believed would help her recover. But I could not fulfill my word."

"Did she die of this... problem, then?" Elissa said quietly.

"I do not know if she is dead or alive," Leliana admitted. "And the vision of her told me that I was not to know that, at least for some time. She told me that I had to let the past go."

"To forgive yourself," Elissa said, thinking of her own vision.

"Yes," Leliana said, nodding thoughtfully. "To forgive myself for this failure and to accept that I cannot fix everything for everyone."

Elissa raised her eyebrows. "'Fix everything for everyone.' Does that relate to what the Guardian said to you about having visions from the Maker?"

"I think so," Leliana said humbly. "I..." She gathered her thoughts. "One of the riddles we faced in the outer hall of the Gauntlet had as its answer 'mercy,' 'compassion for the penitent sinner.' It seemed meant for me. All of the riddles I answered seemed meant for me."

"The ones I answered did too," Elissa said, "though the answers were all uncomfortable. I suppose it was the same for Wynne."

"I think they were supposed to be. They all made me think, reflect, reconsider. When I first joined the Chantry, I was a penitent sinner. I wanted nothing more to do with being a bard. But my priest, Mother Dorothea, told me that the Maker gave us talents and that, like magic, like skill at arms, many of the talents bards use are only evil if they are used for evil ends. And I admit, once the shock of Marjolaine's betrayal faded, I found myself missing some parts of that life. So I thought about Mother Dorothea's advice and decided—I do not even know if it was a conscious decision," she said, shaking her head.

"I understand the sort of thing you mean," Elissa said with a smile. She squeezed Leliana's hand back, returning the gesture that Leliana had made several times when she was talking about her father.

"Well," Leliana continued, more relaxed, "I thought that I needed to use my bardic talents for good purposes instead of evil ones. I thought—though this was definitely not a conscious thought—that, in a sense, I could be 'a bard for the Maker,' that I would steer and... well... manipulate the lives of people around me for the Maker's ends, good ends." She sighed in shame. "It was presumptuous. I did not consider myself an equal of Andraste, but the Guardian was not entirely wrong about me."

Elissa was confused at the timeline. She had assumed that the woman in Leliana's vision had been before Marjolaine, since she had joined the Chantry immediately after that rupture, but Leliana almost seemed to be implying that this "steering people's lives for the Maker's ends" coincided with her failed promise to that lady. Or had the woman merely advised her to "accept that she could not fix everything" because that was what Leliana needed to hear, and her reason for making the original promise had had nothing to do with the Maker?

Elissa set it aside. It was the latter, surely. Her vision of her father had known her heart, and a lot about her current situation, though none of that information had passed between them in life. In any case, she thought, it doesn't matter. Leliana is moving forward just as I am.

She didn't get the chance to reflect much more on this in any case, because a band of darkspawn jumped into the path to attack.

"Well—that was a lot to take in!" Elissa remarked to Leliana privately as the small group settled down for the night, making camp.

"Indeed," Leliana agreed, "but I agree with you. It is a very... interesting subject."

When the darkspawn attacked them, Wynne had nearly been overwhelmed trying to protect the defenseless scholar. She had tumbled to the ground, but only for a moment, rising up in a magical rush and fighting vigorously.

After the darkspawn were defeated, she confessed to them that, in fact, this was a spirit—she believed it was a Spirit of Faith—and that it was possessing her. It had saved her life once before, and Wynne believed that this spirit was the only thing keeping her alive. If it left her body, she would die.

Elissa didn't see a special issue with that—any of them could die suddenly if they took a wound to the wrong place—but she did find the idea that she was traveling with an abomination to be a little hard to take in.

She brought her thoughts back to the present, chastising herself for using that word even in her thoughts. "We're all brought up to think that there is no way that can possibly end other than badly, and I'm sure that's drilled into Circle mages even more so," Elissa said. "And yet... it's as I told her. She is herself. This spirit isn't turning her into one of those things that we all saw and fought in the Circle. How can that word, you know the one, apply to her?"

"I do not think it does either. Perhaps it is because good spirits seek different things than demons do," Leliana suggested. "Demons try to trick or force possession. This spirit truly wanted to help Wynne. And she was already a Spirit Healer. It could have been the same one she always worked with in her healing. It might have already had a lesser bond with her. It might already be a little more complex from having known her, if that's the case."

"There could be degrees of spirits too," Elissa mused. "Not just pure good and evil. Not all virtues are equally pure and harmless!" Like dutifulness, for one, she thought guiltily. "A Spirit of Faith would be a very good one, though."

"I think we can agree on that, after the experience of faith that we had."

Elissa smiled. Yes, this was just what they had needed. And now, after talking about the spirit, Wynne had also told the women whom she had seen in her vision: her estranged mage son. He was still alive, according to Wynne, and he had apparently confirmed that in the vision. That made Elissa wonder if she had actually spoken with her father's departed soul, or just a manifestation of her own thoughts, but perhaps it could work differently if the person the pilgrim needed to see was dead or alive. She found that she didn't need to know exactly which it had been. What matters is we all faced people that we believed we had failed, she thought. That was the purpose of the vision, to face our failures and losses, accept their forgiveness, and forgive ourselves.

Leliana had been stricken for a moment as Wynne told them of this, how she had had a forbidden relationship with a Templar as a younger woman and borne a child from it, who had been taken from her arms after his birth. Like Caitlyn, but with a Templar, she had thought—but quickly banished it. If they lived, that had not happened to her son. He had lost his father, but he still had his mother. Alternatively, the whole family was with the Maker now. And as she had understood in the Gauntlet, there was nothing that she, Leliana, could do for them now. Her regrets did not help them. But it was still a terrible wrong that Wynne had been forced to make this choice.

Later, Leliana told herself. There was much wrong with the world, but for now, she needed to focus on one specific wrong: the Blight. Making anything else right depended on defeating this plague first. She gazed at the dark-haired young rogue next to her and smiled. Pursuing a relationship with her depended on defeating the Archdemon's menace, too.

Elissa was preparing to lie down on her bedroll when the dog and wolf approached, plopping down on either side of her and Leliana. I should name the wolf, she thought, gazing suddenly at the beautiful animal. As the thought crossed her mind, she realized what it meant. I am keeping her with me. I am not sending her away. I'm going to be a ranger again.

"Líadan."

The direwolf gazed at her with its intelligent eyes and blinked.

"What's that?"

Elissa turned to Leliana. "I'm keeping this wolf with me, and her name is Líadan. 'Grey lady' in Old Alamarri."

The wolf gave a low, quiet, brief howl of approval, almost like speech rather than a howl.

Leliana's eyes sparkled. "I am so glad that you are. And she is indeed a grey lady, isn't she?" She smiled at the direwolf. "What happens, I wonder, if a direwolf mates with a mabari?"

"I have no idea," Elissa laughed. "We try not to crossbreed the mabari with anything else, so as not to dilute the purebred traits. But direwolves are big, strong, and intelligent, too. Clearly, they too can form special bonds with their masters. It might work out fine."

"I ask because I think she and Oscar have formed a pack, and we are in it."

Elissa felt warm all over at that thought. A little pack with her, Leliana, the dog, the wolf... "What about Wynne? And do you think the other companions will be in it when we get back to Redcliffe?"

"You are the pack's alpha. I think that is your decision."

"Hmm. I don't know. A part of me thinks it should be just us." She smirked, raising her eyebrows.

Leliana laughed musically.

Elissa smiled and continued her musings. "I was thinking about everything that transpired on this... mission. The wolf, the ashes... our talks. We've shared a lot with each other since we left Redcliffe. I think it's been good for us both."

"I agree," Leliana said. "The tragedies at Kinloch Hold and Redcliffe were hard on us. I think that, from the perspective of helping others, it was good that we went to those places first. The Circle would have been utterly lost if we had delayed, and so too Redcliffe, and possibly the arl's entire family."

"Unless some sort of problem is also occurring with the Dalish and the dwarves of Orzammar," Elissa said darkly.

Leliana sighed. "Let us pray not. But... all right. I think we made the right decisions for the sake of helping others. But for us, personally? I cannot imagine that we could have encountered anything in Orzammar or the Dalish lands that would be as upsetting to us as these events have been."

Elissa nodded. "I guess we'll have to see, but I hope you're right! I'm tired of being upset by everything I have to do as my duty. I never had any illusions that doing 'heroic' things was all glory and grandeur..." She shook her head, remembering King Cailan and his illusions about that very topic. "But I guess I did hope that there would be some measure of satisfaction, rather than just pain and trauma. Redcliffe was hard on me. It was harder on me than I even realized at the time, and I did realize that my state of mind was poor. I felt so good when we left it behind and entered the mountains. I almost don't want to go back, though of course I must." She gazed ahead. "We made personal, emotional sacrifices, you're saying, for the sake of helping others."

"Yes. And so we needed to go on this quest of faith. The Maker takes no pleasure in our suffering, even when we suffer for a good cause, I believe. He wants us to heal and find joy again after something hurts us."

Elissa smiled and took Leliana's hand across the bedrolls, giving her an affectionate squeeze. "We did."

As they dozed off for the night, Elissa thought about the events of the trip. She did feel much better now. She had been able to speak with her father, in some form. He had given her permission to mourn, not just be angry and then push her anger away in yet more anger. She had reckoned with her own inner demons, faced what they were, faced that they were not even inherently bad in their own right, just when taken to an extreme such that they crowded out all else. She had seen proof of Andraste. The Ashes were still in their pouch, still warm. She had been sent a direwolf, an unmistakable sign that she should embrace the gift of her mother's blood once again. That direwolf—and her dog—had shown her what an act of faith could mean, and she, not Leliana, but she, had been the one to understand it first. Yes, she felt better. She had not partaken of the Sacred Ashes herself, but she felt spiritual healing nonetheless.

My father told me I could find true love. Leliana's former partner told her to let go of whatever guilt she held. Before we entered the Temple of Sacred Ashes, Leliana told me that she wanted to wait until we had come to a better place before beginning a relationship. She must have healed on this journey too. Are we there now?

Genitivi was glad to return to civilization, though he was sad to learn that the dragon cult had murdered his faithful assistant Weylon and replaced him with an impostor who misdirected loyal knights to their deaths. He shook his head sadly at the empty room that the impostor had taken in the Chantry, devoid of everything except his own notes now.

"I will catch a caravan to Denerim as soon as I can," he said, "and set my house there in order—because I know that some of these documents came from there—and then I will take my account to Grand Cleric Elemena."

"If I may, I would like to suggest a different priest as your first reader," Leliana said. "It is nothing against the Grand Cleric, but I know that Mother Dorothea is open to new and challenging ideas, and she is close to the Divine."

"Oh?" The scholar looked interested, and as he and Leliana planned how to dispose of the report, Elissa decided to check up on Alistair and the others.

Somewhat to her surprise, but also to her satisfaction, he had fallen into his role quite well. The villagers were rebuilding structures in Redcliffe and the castle grounds that had been damaged by the undead, and Alistair seemed to be in a position of authority over this effort. He was standing in the town square in full armor, answering questions of people who came to him, and appearing confident rather than sheepish when he did. Sten gave Elissa a look of evident surprise at the fact that she had returned alive, but what she noticed most was that he was carrying a pile of heavy lumber for a rebuilding project, and Alistair seemed to have directed him. She approached her fellow Grey Warden.

"You're back!" he exclaimed.

"So you see. And we want to keep this quiet in public, but..."

His eyes widened. "They're real? You got them?"

"We did."

"That's incredible," he gasped. "Wow. That's great." He noticed the wolf next to her and the dog. "And you picked up a friend, I see?"

"Her name is Líadan and she is a direwolf, as you can tell from her size. She is under my control, Alistair. Don't try to..."

"Oh, I'm going to leave her be just as I am your mabari! I've heard of direwolves, but they're scarily big."

Elissa smirked, but it faded quickly, replaced with a more serious expression. "How have you been? You seem to be doing well right now."

He scratched the back of his head. "Yes, I wouldn't have thought it, but... people have respected me."

"You must command respect, of course," she said, "but you were. You looked authoritative in the square when I arrived. Any trouble from anyone?"

"No, no trouble, except spite from Morrigan. But she's... Morrigan."

Elissa laughed. "Morrigan always has to express her opinion."

"I'm glad you're back, though," he said. "I see that I can lead, but I'm glad you're back so that you can lead once again."

Elissa shook her head in tolerant amusement. Still, she was glad that he hadn't decided that he liked being in command so much that he would not relinquish it now.

"If you have the you-know-what, then we should get them to Arl Eamon as soon as we can," he said in a lower voice.

Elissa stifled a sigh. She supposed he was right; the purpose of this was to wake the arl so that they would have him as an ally against the Blight, but there was still a part of her that hated parting with the sacred Ashes of Andraste.

Teagan stood nearby as his brother, long in a still coma, stirred in his sleep. His eyes began to move beneath his eyelids, and his muscular movements became voluntary instead of strictly unconscious. The Blight companions and close family of the arl gasped as one as he awakened.

"Teagan!" he exclaimed, his voice dry and husky. He met his brother's gaze. "What has happened? Where are Connor and Isolde?"

Even in the Gauntlet, Elissa had not questioned that she had made the most rational choice with Isolde, and the arlessa had made her decision knowing that she wouldn't get to speak to her husband again. But still, hearing her name cross Eamon's lips was almost too much for her. She averted her gaze. Perhaps it was cowardly, but someone else, not an almost-stranger, should break this to the man first.

Arl Eamon needed to recover from his ordeal. Although he had been given food and water, and servants had seen to his bedside, his arms and legs were still weak from so long a period of disuse, and the food that the staff had fed him was limited to soups, very mushy stews, and pureed foods, nothing very substantial. He was thin, gaunt, and even the Ashes of Andraste could not restore him to his natural weight and muscle tone immediately. He also had several shocks to process: that he was now a widower, that his wife had died as the sacrifice for a blood magic spell to save their son, that their son was a mage, and that a demon had laid waste to his castle and arling. He had given a perfunctory thanks to Elissa, whom he knew of as a Cousland, and to Alistair, but had wanted to be alone tonight except for Teagan, Connor, and his close personal staff—who, miraculously, had survived.

Elissa was not sure exactly what made her go to Leliana's bedroom in the castle. Perhaps it was because the arl was occupied with his family and she had no business with him tonight, no duty that she could invoke as a priority over her heart.

I need to stop doing that, she thought as she stood outside Leliana's door. Maybe my duty does come first, but that doesn't make it an excuse to set my heart aside when there is no conflict.

She had raised her clenched fist to knock when the door itself opened, revealing a familiar, pretty red-haired bard.

"I hoped you would come," Leliana said, her voice a little breathless. She closed the door quickly behind Elissa as the latter entered the room.

Elissa sat down on an armchair and gazed at Leliana, who took a seat in a chair next to her. She suddenly realized that Leliana had already changed into a comfortable gown, a pretty blue one that complemented her hair well and matched her eyes. Her hair was also smooth and silky, and Elissa caught a glimpse of a hairbrush on the vanity. Meanwhile, she herself had just thrown on a sloppy tunic and pair of trousers after a bath in the stone tub in her room, and her own hair was in a messy braid down her back. She had not washed it. She felt uncharacteristically self-conscious. I should have made more of an effort than this, she thought. No, wait, why? More of an effort for—what? What am I here for?

She knew the answer, but was suddenly afraid to admit it to herself.

However, she was nothing if not tough and courageous, and she managed to swallow her sudden surge of doubt enough to respond to Leliana. "You wished for my company?" she mumbled. "I mean... that is to say... would you have asked for me if I hadn't shown?"

"I might have." Her cheeks dimpled. "We do need to talk, do we not?"

Her words seemed deceptively innocent. There was only the faintest hint of coquetry in her voice, but Elissa was certain that it was there. "Talk?" she repeated, injecting a little flirtation of her own.

Leliana gave her a shrug and raised her eyebrows ever-so-slightly. "Well, yes."

That was too innocent, and it was finally too much for Elissa. Maker's breath, we are both grown, worldly women who have experience with this. She broke into a chuckle. "Listen to us," she said, shaking her head. "Like two teenage girls."

Leliana chuckled, but only for a moment. Her face grew serious. "You recollect what I said that night, before we reached Haven, when I told you about Marjolaine and you told me of your... first... direwolf?"

Elissa's heart jumped. "When you said that we should wait until we were in a better state of mind?"

"Yes." She leaned forward, gazing intensely at Elissa. "I hoped that you would come to me tonight because I wanted to tell you, I do feel better now. The mission was a journey of faith, and I think it would no longer be a matter of just finding solace for pain. That will still be a component, I think. We did suffer greatly, you especially... but I feel... different now. But I will wait for you if you need more time."

Elissa took a quick breath and let it out. Her heart thumped. "I feel a lot better," she confessed. "You're right... there is still healing that must occur. Passing through the Gauntlet really only showed us what we need to do, what we need to heal... and seeing the Ashes of Andraste, being in her presence, could be that critical step... and in my case, Líadan—having her—finding this part of myself again... that is also a part of healing. It wouldn't be fitting, in some way, if the Ashes fixed absolutely every emotional and spiritual wound that we have. I feel so inarticulate," she lamented, aware that she was rambling, "but... I hope you understand what I mean."

"I believe I do."

"But we were in really bad states before we went on this journey. I mean, I know I was..."

"So was I," Leliana said quietly. "I did not tell you just how bad."

Elissa gave her a regretful look. "I'm sorry," she said. "I expected you to help me with my doubts and darkness when you were facing your own. I could tell that somewhat, but you're right, I didn't know how bad it was. I'm sorry."

"It is all right. I wanted to help you, not be an additional burden."

Elissa shook her head. "You would never be a burden."

Leliana gave her a sad look. "That is a noble, sweet, loving sentiment. But sometimes we are burdens to our loved ones with our problems." She managed a smile. "But we are both better now, no?"

"Yes," Elissa said. "We were in terrible places in our minds and souls. Not fit to pursue... anything. But that is different now."

"Yes," Leliana said. Her eyes were still sad. "I am sure that, in the future, doubts and darkness will again nag at us... but let us not worry about that. Tonight, we will cherish this moment of peace and clarity. Together."

Elissa gazed deeply at the bard's sapphire eyes as emotion suddenly flooded her. "I've been waiting my whole life for you," she burst out. "Where have you been?"

"In Orlais, then Lothering, until the Maker sent us to each other."

"Oh?" Elissa said in a moment of playfulness. "Is He a divine matchmaker now?"

"Perhaps. Why not?" Leliana rose from her seat, reaching across for Elissa's hands as she did. Elissa allowed herself to be pulled gently to her feet.

The scent of flowers—Andraste's Grace, which had never seemed quite so fitting as they did now—filled Leliana's hair and rose from her clean skin. Elissa breathed it in deeply as the two women embraced, a giddy, goofy, and utterly contented smile forming on her lips as she took in the fragrance. Leliana was so soft, too, the curves that were always apparent even in her leather and chain mail now gentle and ripe and there. She wore no shift, corset, or any other foolishness under this gown. Right under that layer of blue silk was she.

But she could not focus on this exclusively, because Leliana's clever bard's hands were already finding their way around Elissa's nightclothes too. Suddenly the self-consciousness that she had felt about wearing sloppy clothes vanished. They were loose and comfortable and erotic in their own way. It was certainly sensual to feel Leliana's teasing hands through the cambric, running up her sides, deft and light.

"Where have you been?" Elissa repeated as they held and caressed each other. She didn't ask it for an answer, instead leaning in and murmuring next to Leliana's ear. "You are everything I have wanted and needed. Everything."

Leliana gently turned Elissa's head so that their eyes met. "You are everything I have wanted and needed too." You are, she thought. You are what—they—were not. You are honest and brave and loyal, and the pain that you carry is not a kind that is a barrier for us, but something that we can heal together. "I understand you," she whispered. "I know you. I know you." I know what betrayal feels like. I know doubt. I know what it is to want to be a fighter for the Light and to always have to fight my own darkness at the same time, and to know that the battle itself is as important as the result. I know you.

Elissa allowed her eyes to flutter closed as Leliana tilted her head for a tender kiss. Her lips tasted like strawberries and cream. That taste and the scent of flowers almost seemed to overwhelm her with sweetness—but then, as their tongues met and the kiss became more intense, something else filled Elissa's senses too: a hint of wine. Leliana was not intoxicated in the slightest, but she must have had a glass. It added a naughty suggestion of the bard to the sensory array of sweetness, and that idea sent a thrumming rush straight to a deep place in Elissa's lower body.

They reluctantly broke the kiss but continued to embrace as they shuffled to the unmade bed. Leliana climbed on the mattress first, gently pulling Elissa after her. Elissa felt momentarily awkward again in her loose nightclothes, kneeling on the bed over her lover with that messy braid dangling in front of one shoulder. Leliana looked so elegant in her feminine gown, even refined in her passion. But this thought quickly fled Elissa's mind as she moved forward to help her partner out of her clothes.

The blue silk gown was loose around Leliana's body, a comfortable fit, and Elissa was able to slip the smooth fabric over her head easily. Her eyes widened at the sight before her of Leliana's breasts. She had not seen them in the Gauntlet, as she had been behind Leliana, and that had not been a romantic or sexual event in any case. For the first time, Elissa truly appreciated Leliana's beauty. She was thin but trim, curvaceous yet with toned arm and abdominal muscles, the mark of a fine archer. Her skin was smooth and creamy, unmarred except for the scar on her torso, the mark of Marjolaine's dagger.

Elissa leaned forward to this very spot and planted a gentle kiss on the red mark. The bard gave her a grateful look, eyes shining. She shifted as the pink nubs of her nipples hardened a little from exposure and arousal.

"Do you want me to—" Elissa's soft-spoken question was cut off when Leliana gently guided her face to her left breast.

Elissa took the pert bud into her mouth and began to lave the nipple with the tip of her tongue. With each stroke, Leliana shivered, her arms tensing beside her body. Elissa smiled and moved on to the other breast, leaving the first one wet, pink, and pointy.

Neither woman was extremely well-endowed in the chest; they were both on the slender side and their breasts were sized accordingly. In fact, Leliana had the smallest breasts of any of Elissa's lovers, who had been busty. There were times, when she had been with them, that she had been self-conscious of her own figure. But Leliana was living, breathing, lovely proof that a woman could have these proportions and be lovely and sensual, even very femme, as the Orlesians liked to put it, in her personal presentation. Elissa knew that her own choice of appearance was less so... but she had a very similar body type. Women come in all shapes, sizes, and appearances, she thought as she rolled Leliana's right nipple between her tongue, eliciting another shiver from her. Any of them can be—well, perfect.

Leliana was breathing more heavily now, and Elissa sensed that it was time to draw back and give her a chance to recover before they took their intimacy to the next stage. Her cheeks were flushed as she gazed at Elissa. "That was wonderful," she praised. "And I would like to see you now."

Elissa remembered that she was still in her nightclothes. Stifling a chuckle, she quickly shimmied out of them, tossing the clothes into a heap atop Leliana's silk gown.

Leliana pulled Elissa down next to her and began tracing the marks of her scars in turn, the scars of the arrows that the darkspawn at Ostagar shot into her chest from which Flemeth had evidently saved her. She pushed the memory out of her mind and instead allowed Leliana to stroke her body, caressing her skin, and each of her own breasts and nipples in turn. Elissa fought primarily with daggers and sprinted into the heat of combat, making her more muscular than her lover. Toned muscles in her arms rippled in the soft candlelight as Leliana began to plant kisses on her collarbone and neck.

Her breathing became faster as she anticipated what was to come next. Heat began to spread over her body, and she returned Leliana's kisses, tilting her head up so that they could give each other full-mouth ones again. Elissa was getting more aggressive as her arousal grew, rolling Leliana onto her back once more, climbing atop her, and devouring her as if she could get lost in her.

They finally parted, panting, heated, and pink in the cheeks. Neither of them needed to ask the question vocally. Elissa just nodded quickly, a single dip of her chin, and slipped her dexterous hands into Leliana's smalls to remove them. Her lover did the same.

Elissa was in her stride now, and the more that she did for Leliana, the more her own desire and arousal grew, so she decided that she would go first. She moved in a quick flurry of kisses down Leliana's body until she reached the juncture of her thighs and her hips. The skin there was so soft and smooth, and Elissa could not help but run her fingers across Leliana's body, closing her own eyes involuntarily at the sensation. Leliana herself trembled at the touch, reminding Elissa of her resolution.

It did not surprise her in the least that her lover's core was already wet with arousal. Pleased, eager, and feeling a little smug, Elissa finished her trail of kisses with one last one that included the tip of her tongue, then drew back abruptly—pausing for a second that seemed to last for an eternity—and descended upon her center with fingertips and tongue.

Leliana was a responsive lover—not a screamer, not a thrasher, but the little sighs and twitches that she gave at Elissa's movements were even more erotic to her. She was always unsure if a woman would want this or not, but when Leliana didn't object at the slight entry of Elissa's fingertips into her channel, in fact let out one of those pleasant sighs and seemed to open herself ever so slightly further, Elissa pushed further, slipping lithe fingers all the way inside, hooking them to reach the most sensitive spot from within. All the while, she was alternating kisses and little licks of her tongue, delighting in her lover's taste.

She could tell when Leliana was about to climax, and she shifted her focus to her clit to bring her to the pinnacle sooner. A few presses—and a melodic sigh escaped from the bard as her body relaxed.

Elissa gave her a few more kisses as she slipped her fingers out and shifted back up her body, finally resting beside her on the bed again. Leliana continued to breathe heavily, her heart rate gradually slowing from its peak, but Elissa could not wait much longer. She was too impatient. With her lover's slickness still coating her fingers, she slipped her hand between her own legs and turned on one side against Leliana, throwing a leg over her waist and moving close, sandwiching her hand between her own heated center and Leliana's thigh to get a good spot to rub—

But her lover had recovered quickly and would not stand for this. "Let me do that," she said, wrapping Elissa into an embrace in order to roll her onto her back now. Her hands slid down between their heated bodies to find Elissa's core. "You are ready," she teased, gently removing Elissa's hand to replace it with her own as she repositioned herself.

Now it was Leliana who was situated between Elissa's legs, slipping one, two, three fingers inside her, she was so soaked and ready. She began to roll Elissa's sensitive and swollen clit with the pad of one thumb, making Elissa cry out as she rapidly drew near her peak.

Leliana seemed to understand, though, and wanted to make it last a little longer. She slowed her motions with her thumb, withdrew her fingers, and instead concentrated on appreciating Elissa's body some more. Elissa suppressed a twitch as Leliana stroked and tongued her inner thighs, teasing her with the memory of what she had just been doing and the promise of more.

Elissa relaxed and allowed herself to enjoy the bliss of this steady touch, rather than driving herself to a peak. She breathed heavily and sighed in pleasure. And with that, Leliana, satisfied that she was giving Elissa as much pleasure as she had been given herself, returned to her first motions. Slender fingers slipped back inside and her thumb found Elissa's rosebud once again. Elissa's awareness of her surroundings dwindled rapidly to only herself, Leliana, and the small area on the bed that they occupied. Nothing else mattered, just the sweet heat of this intimacy.

She tumbled over her own peak, a gasp bursting from her lips as her entire body shook, then shook again.

She was not sure how long she remained like this, but after some minutes had passed, she became aware that Leliana was now lying next to her again, her face inches from her own. She had pulled the covers over them both to trap their body heat within.

"That was wonderful," Elissa said first.

The red-haired bard smiled. "Yes, it was."

"I think I'm in love with you," she confessed. "And I'm not just saying that because of—that. You're everything I've wanted. I said that and now I am saying it again, because it's true."

"I know," Leliana replied with a sincere smile. "I feel the same. I'm in love with you too."

They knew that their nightclothes were just feet away on the bed, but it was simply too much bother to reach for them now. They could keep each other warm in the sweet intimacy of nakedness under the covers.

Notes: I hope everyone enjoyed that!