*JENNIE
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It's funny how quickly your life can change. One minute I'm dress shopping with my best friends in preparation of my first prom, the next I'm sitting on my bedroom floor looking at my beautiful dress hanging on the back of my closet door knowing that I'll probably never get to wear it.
I have no intention of going to prom tonight, without Lisa there's really no point. And considering she's done everything in her power to avoid me since our "break up" last Wednesday, I'm not really sure I want to see her anyway.
Okay, that's a lie. A big, fat, stupid lie that I've tried to convince myself of all day. Truth is, I'm terrified that if I go she won't be there or worse, she'll be there with another girl. Just the thought makes me want to throw up.
I shake it off, knowing there's no way she would do that to me. But then again, do I really know what she's capable of after this past week? For all I know she would flaunt some girl in front of me just to drive home the point that we're over.
I swipe at a tear that manages to escape my eye, angry with myself for not being able to just move on the way she seems to have.
It's like she just snapped her fingers and her world reset back to before we were together. I pass her in the hallway, and she doesn't even look up at me. It's like I never existed.
She rejoined her old lunch table, which has proven to be the hardest part of my day to get through. Watching her across the room laugh and cut up with her football buddies and various girls like she doesn't have a care in the world is some sick and cruel torture I shouldn't be forced to endure. After all, I didn't do anything to deserve any of this, and yet she has this way of making me feel like I brought it all on myself.
Hell, maybe I did.
I should've followed my gut a long time ago. The one that told me to steer clear. But even knowing what I know now and hurting the way I am, I can't bring myself to regret my time with Lisa.
She may be putting on a good act, convincing everyone that she's happy and free once again, but I see through it. Because deep down I know Lisa at her core, and I know this is her sorry attempt to make me hate her, to push me away. I wish it wasn't working… Or maybe I wish it was working better…
God, my emotions are so all over the place I can't even get a real grasp on how I feel anymore. But the one thing I can grasp, the one feeling that is the most prominent is sadness. I try to refocus it, hone in on the anger I know is building there behind the pain, but at the end of the day, it always comes back to the gaping wound in my chest where my heart used to be. The splintering pain that only seems to increase with each day that passes.
I wish I could turn it off. I wish I could find some sense of the person I was before Lisa, but I'm not even sure that girl exists anymore.
I jump when I hear the doorbell ring, not expecting company. Slowly rising to my feet, I let out an annoyed groan when whoever is at the door rings it several more times in concession.
"Jen." I hear my mom call down the hall from the bathroom.
"I'm getting it," I grumble, emotion overwhelming me when I pull open the door to find my two best friends standing on my porch both dressed in pajamas.
Rosé smiles and holds up the pizza box in her right hand, her belly so large she could probably balance the box on it instead. My gaze flips from her to Jisoo, who gives me a wicked grin and pulls a bottle of vodka from her bag just long enough for me to see what it is before she shoves it back down.
"What—what are two doing here?" I question in disbelief, certain they would be getting ready for prom right now.
"Like we'd go to prom without you," Jisoo retorts, pushing past me into the house, Rosé fast on her heels.
"You guys," I start to object, closing the door behind them.
"Before you say anything," Rosé turns toward me. "Just know that the last thing I want to do is go to prom looking like this." She gestures down to her belly.
"And the last thing I want to do is go to prom with Jackson. Jackass is lucky I haven't dumped him already." Jisoo's statement surprises me, but I don't have time to comment before Rosé cuts back in.
"So you see, you'd actually be doing us a huge favor by letting us just crash here tonight. Besides, this might very well be the last girl's night we have like this," she adds, an air of sadness to her voice.
I still can't believe that in just a few weeks Rosé is going to be moving all the way to the other side of the country. It seems even more surreal that she's also about to become a mom. Things are changing so fast, and it's terrifying that I have no control over any of it.
"Hi, girls." My mom chooses this moment to come around the corner, her wet hair twisted up in a fluffy white towel.
"Hey, Mrs. K." Jisoo smiles. "Hope you don't mind if we keep Jen company tonight," she adds quickly.
"Not at all." My mom smiles. "I think it's great," she says, turning her attention back to me. "Jen, baby, I'm running a little late. Would you mind throwing me a sandwich and some veggies in my lunch box."
"Sure, Mom." I nod, making my way into the kitchen with Rosé and Jisoo while my mom heads back to her bedroom to finish getting ready.
"So…" Jisoo drags out, hoisting herself up onto the kitchen counter while Rosé sets the pizza and snacks on the table. "How's everything with…" She points toward the back of the house where my mom is.
"Different," I admit, pulling open the fridge. I grab the chicken salad and the veggie tray, turning to set them on the island before continuing, "We haven't really talked about things since last Saturday. I think, like Lisa, she just wants to pretend it never happened."
"I think you're lucky to have someone who cares so much." Rosé steps up next to me, dropping the loaf of bread she got out of the pantry onto the island.
"I know." I let out an audible sigh. "It's just hard right now."
"And Lisa? Any word?"
"Nothing." The tears form without warning, and once again I'm left trying to blink them down without allowing them to spill over.
Sensing my shift, Jisoo is off the counter and on the other side of me in five seconds flat.
"Hey." She drops her arm over my shoulder while Rosé wraps hers around my waist, both squeezing me. "At least you still have us," she offers, bumping her hip against mine. "And tonight, we're going to forget all about prom and assholes. We're gonna catch a little buzz." Rosé clears her throat at Jisoo's words. "Okay, you and I are." Jisoo grins, taking a small step backward. "Preggers over here is just going to have to observe and be jealous."
"I don't know if drinking is a good idea right now. You're likely to have a sobbing mess on your hands if you pump me full of vodka," I object.
"I think we're going to have a sobbing mess on our hands regardless. Better to have you a little inebriated." She winks. "And we didn't just bring your favorite pizza either." She stalks over to the table and dumps out the bag Rosé set there moments earlier littering the table with chips, candy, and my absolute favorite—
cinnamon butter popcorn. "Did we do good or what?"
"I don't know what I'd do without you girls," I admit, feeling like I can breathe just a tiny bit easier.
"Lucky for you, you won't ever have to find out." Rosé throws some veggies in a baggie and drops them into my mom's lunchbox just as I finish making her sandwich. "You'll always have us. No matter what," she states matter of fact.
"I'm gonna hold you to that ya know," I say, zipping up the lunchbox before turning to face her, taking her belly in my hands. "And this little one is going to be spoiled rotten by his aunty Jen, even if he is three thousand miles away."
"It won't be so bad," Rosé says, looking down at my hands on her belly and then back up to meet my gaze. "You'll see."
"I still can't believe your ass is leaving us. Senior year just won't be the same without you," Jisoo says, stepping up next to us.
All three of us share a silent moment where we just kind of take it all in. Each of us looking back and forth between the others, fully aware that everything is about to change and that this time—this moment—is something we'll never get back.
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My mom left for work shortly after Jisoo and Rosé arrived. While she still hasn't given me my phone back, she's been pretty trusting that I won't go see Lisa while she's at work.
I think she can tell by the way I've been sulking around the house that things haven't gone the way I wanted them to, but I have yet to actually confirm with her that we've officially broken up. In some weird way, I don't want to give her that satisfaction. Though I highly doubt she'd gain anything from it.
She's my mom, and I know she hates how badly I'm hurting right now. And while I still blame her in large part, I also know I can't stay mad at her forever. Deep down I know she's just doing what she thinks is right.
"So what's up with you and Jackson anyway?" I finally return to the comment Jisoo made earlier.
Sitting in the middle of my bedroom floor with my two best friends, talking and laughing over the last hour, has dramatically improved my mood. Of course, the vodka and pizza helped, too.
I mean, don't get me wrong, the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach is still there, but the buzz of the alcohol and the company makes it a little easier to ignore.
"He's been really distant recently," Jisoo finally speaks after a long moment. "I honestly don't know what's going on with him. It's like ever since you and Lisa broke up he's been making excuses not to spend time with me. Obviously, he's been sitting with Lisa at lunch again. At first, I just thought it was the transition. You know, he felt like he needed to be there for his friend, but now I'm thinking it's something more."
"I'm so sorry, Chu," I mutter, feeling suddenly responsible for her issues on top of my own.
"Don't you dare." She wags a finger at me, taking a long pull from the vodka before shoving it into my hand. "This is not your fault. Things haven't been that great with us recently if I'm being honest. I can't help but feel like if it wasn't for you and Lisa being together, we would've broken up weeks ago. Now that you guys aren't," she gives me an apologetic look, "I can't help but wonder how much longer we have."
"I didn't realize you guys were having problems." I take a drink of vodka, cringing at the disgusting taste as it burns a trail down my throat.
"No one really knows." She shrugs.
"You know, for supposedly telling each other everything, we sure do keep a lot to ourselves," Rosé observes, finishing off another slice of pizza.
Thinking over her comment, I can't help but agree. First, it was me, keeping my new relationship with Lisa kind of hush hush in the beginning. Then it was Rosé and the whole Felix/pregnancy fiasco, and now Jisoo with her relationship problems. Seems we all have trouble opening up about certain things.
"Speaking of that." Jisoo turns her gaze to Rosé. "How's the Felix situation?"
"There is no situation. He's barely looked at me in months." She shrugs.
"It's for the best." I snag her hand, giving it a squeeze. "He's lucky he's not dead or in jail for putting his hands on you."
"I still don't know what the hell I was thinking." She shakes her head. "I didn't think I'd ever be that girl. It's funny how certain things can bring everything into perspective. I remember the first time it happened. He was drinking, got mad at me over something stupid, and ended up pushing me into a wall. He apologized afterward, promised he'd never touch me like that again. But then he did. It kept getting worse with each time that it would happen until eventually, I had lost all control over the situation. I knew I shouldn't, but every time he asked for forgiveness I granted it. I guess I just kept hoping he would stop because deep down I really thought I loved him."
"And now?" I ask.
"Now I know that what we had wasn't love. I've finally accepted that I can't bury my past by sabotaging my future. At least not anymore." She rubs her hand across her belly. "I can't change what happened to me when I was younger, but I can make the choice not to let it define me."
"I'm so proud of you," I speak the truth, amazed by how much Rosé has changed over the past few months. It's almost like she's a completely different person with all my favorite parts of her still intact.
"It's crazy how much we've all been through together," Jisoo adds, the moment seeming to catch up with her. "I can't believe this is the last time the three of us will be together like this. God, we've been inseparable since grade school, and now here we are on the cusp of adulthood."
"You still have senior year," Rosé reminds her. "And you and Jen are going to be just fine without me. Besides, we can video chat all the time, and you'll be right there with me through it all." She picks my hand up and then grabs Jisoo's, her eyes going back and forth between the two of us. "I love you girls so much."
"Me, too." I fight back the swell of emotion in my chest.
"Oh my god, stop already." Jisoo pulls her hand back and swipes at her eyes. "I don't want to spend tonight crying." She quickly climbs to her feet.
"Then what do you want to do?" I ask, looking up at her.
"I want to…" She looks around the room, a smile pulling at the corners of her mouth when she spots my wireless speaker on my desk. "Dance." Her smile widens as she pulls out her phone and turns the Bluetooth on.
"Dance?" Rosé snorts. "Will you look at me?" She gestures to her belly.
"You're pregnant, not dead. Now get your ass up." Jisoo laughs, taking Rosé's hand and pulling her to her feet. "It's prom after all. And what is prom without a little dancing."
Shaking my head, I manage to stand without swaying too much, not realizing just how affected I am by the vodka until now.
It's only seconds before some bubble gum pop song starts blaring from the speaker, and the instant it does we all three take one long moment to look at each other. It's like we're seeing how long the others can stay still before finally giving into to the ridiculously upbeat tune. Jisoo breaks first, and before long we're all jumping and twirling around my bedroom like we don't have a care in the world.
This is exactly what I needed—to laugh, to dance, to remember what if feels like to just be one of the girls. And while Lisa is never far from my mind, it's the first time in almost two weeks that I think maybe, just maybe, I can find the strength to get through this.
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