*JENNIE
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I can't believe this weekend is prom. It seems like just yesterday I was preparing to go to this very dance with Lisa, and now here I am an entire year later.
How has it already been a year?
It feels like just yesterday I was in the dress shop with my two best friends at the happiest point of my life. Rosé was still here, Jisoo and Jack were still going strong, and of course, I had Lisa—the one person who tied it all together and made my life feel like a page out of a fairy-tale.
Of course, that was before everything fell apart—my last normal day before the ground got ripped out from beneath my feet.
Nothing has been the same since.
I stare at myself in the floor-length mirror on the back of my closet door, taking in the strapless pink gown that I purchased all those months ago. I shoved it into the back of my closet after everything happened and had yet to look at it since. But tonight, I don't know, I just felt like it needed to be worn.
Going to prom with someone who isn't Lisa feels wrong on every level, but after some major convincing from Rosé, I decided it was time. It's time to let go, time to move on, time to stop letting a dress haunt me from the corner of my closet.
Tonight is the night I say goodbye to the girl who bought this dress and hello to the woman now wearing it. It's crazy how much older I look in just one year, how much older I feel. It's even crazier to think that in just a few short weeks I'll be packing up and moving to New York City.
I don't think I actually ever expected to get into Columbia, especially since it took them so long to contact me. But opening that letter, knowing that I actually did it, was probably the only real highlight of my senior year and even that happiness was muted by the fact that I wasn't able to share it with Lisa.
"Hey, Jen." I hear my mother's voice just seconds before she appears in my doorway, her hand going to her mouth when she catches sight of me. "Oh my god, you look so beautiful."
"Thanks, Mom." I look back at myself, wishing I felt beautiful.
Pretty pink dress, just the right amount of makeup, my long brown strands pinned up on the sides and hanging down my back in thick curls; everything is as it should be, and yet it's such a stark contrast to what I feel inside. Inside I'm fighting the tightness in my chest and the voice in the back of my head telling me I can't do this.
Forcing a smile, I look back at my mom just as the doorbell rings, signaling Jisoo's arrival. I insisted that she and I meet the boys at the restaurant so that I had an escape plan if I needed one. The last thing I want is to be stuck somewhere I don't want to be with no way of leaving.
"I'll get that," my mom practically sings, skipping toward the door.
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Within minutes my mom has her camera out and she's snapping pictures like crazy, making me and Jisoo turn one way and then the other.
Jisoo, like me, opted to wear the prom dress she bought last year and never got the chance to wear since she and Rosé skipped prom to be with me. I know she's been dying to slip into the beautiful floor-length red gown that looks like it was made for her for months, and tonight she finally gets to show it off.
I can tell she's excited about prom, and lord knows my mom is thrilled that I'm going; I just wish I shared in their enthusiasm.
By the time Jisoo and I make it out the front door and down the yard, my mom has taken at least two hundred pictures and continues to take more from her place on the porch.
"Someone's excited." Jisoo chuckles, gesturing toward my mom as we climb into the car.
"You have no idea." I sigh, closing the door and sliding my seatbelt in place. "I think she's just happy to see me getting out of the house and doing something normal."
"Can you blame her?" Jisoo throws me a quick sideways glance before pulling out onto the road.
"It's been a hard year," I admit, letting out a slow breath.
"I know, which is why I'm so happy that you decided to come to prom with me. Yedam is really excited, too. I think he thought he was going to have to be mine and Chan's third wheel after Jess broke up with him."
When Jisoo got the bright idea for us to double to prom, she pawned me off on her new boyfriend's best friend who recently split from his girlfriend. I guess it shouldn't bother me that I'm second choice considering I have no desire to go with him in the first place.
I should've stuck to my guns and not let her talk me into it, insisting that if I was going to go to prom I would just go stag, which is what I would've preferred. But per usual, Jisoo just has a way of getting people to do what she wants. Though truthfully, I think she knew that either she needed to make it where I couldn't back out so easily, or I would've most definitely done so and probably opted to spend prom night vegging out in my pajamas.
"I couldn't imagine doing this without you, Jen," she adds, her voice falling serious. "With Rosé gone and everything that's gone down this past year, we're all we've really got left."
"It seems weird, doesn't it?" I ask, my gaze locking on my reflection in the passenger side window. "How much everything has changed." I finish the sentence before looking back at Jisoo.
"It is. But I don't want to think about that tonight. I just want to focus on being a wild, crazy teenager just one last time while I can still get away with it."
"Wild and crazy?" I sigh dramatically when she throws me a knowing look. "I knew I should have driven myself." I chuckle, thankfully starting to feel my nerves settle a little.
Who knows, maybe tonight won't be so bad after all.
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"I don't know why I let you talk me into this," I grumble as Jisoo shoves the car in park and kills the engine outside of Dan Ruby's, one of the fanciest restaurants in town.
Somewhere in the fifteen-minute drive over my anxiety had slipped back in and only mounted higher and higher the closer we got. Now that we're here, I'm feeling extremely uneasy and honestly a bit sick to my stomach.
"It'll be fine. You'll see." Jisoo gives me an encouraging smile, reaching over to squeeze my hand. "Besides, it's not like you're going with someone you don't know," she continues. "You've known Yedam since grade school. Plus, he's really grown into his looks over the last couple years. Hell, if you pass on that I might go in for a taste."
"You're dating his best friend, remember?" I laugh, shaking my head at her. I swear Jisoo always knows exactly what to say to pull me out of my head.
"Maybe I'll let Chan watch." She winks, laughing as she climbs from the car.
I'm still shaking my head as we approach the restaurant, not sure why I'm even surprised by Jisoo's statement. Lord knows she probably meant it about messing around with Yedam and letting Chan watch. I wouldn't put it past her for a minute.
When she catches sight of the boys standing just inside the restaurant door, she turns to me and winks. "Yep, I would so let him watch."
Laughter bubbles out of my mouth, but the moment it breaks the surface I find myself suddenly face to face with the last person I expected to see. It instantly dies away, a large knot sticking at the base of my throat blocking anything from coming out at all.
Lisa.
She's coming out of the restaurant just as we're about to go in and stops dead in her tracks the moment her eyes find mine.
I swear to god the very world shifts and suddenly I feel like the ground is moving beneath me, and I can't seem to figure out how to find my balance.
I don't know how much time passes. One second, two, maybe much longer. Time, along with everything else, seems to slow down around us, caging us in the moment.
I know it's her. I know she's standing right in front of me—those hazel eyes full of unreadable emotion as they hold my gaze—but my mind can't quite seem to process this fact. I feel like I've just entered the twilight zone and nothing around me feels like reality.
She looks exactly as I remember her and yet so different at the same time. Her sun-kissed blond hair is lighter on the ends and slightly longer than the last time I saw her.
She looks so much older, like she's grown up overnight. I can't stop my eyes from taking in every inch of her before looking back up to meet her waiting gaze.
"Oh my god, Lalisa!" I hear Jisoo say next to me, jumping into action almost instantly. "What are you doing in town?" she asks, giving her a quick one-armed hug before stepping back.
This pulls her attention to Jisoo long enough that I'm able to take a few breaths and steady myself, feeling like I'm going to topple over at any moment.
"My cousin Niki got married yesterday. I'm just here for the weekend," she says, shifting two takeout bags to her right hand, making me notice them for the first time. "So prom night huh?" She gestures between the two of us, her eyes only meeting mine for a fraction of a second before finding Jisoo again.
"Yeah." Jisoo smiles, catching sight of Chan who signals her from the other side of the large glass door. "Speaking of which, I should probably get inside with my date," she says, turning toward me. "I'll give you guys a minute to catch up."
The next thing I know she's sauntering away, and I'm left alone with Lisa.
I keep my eyes focused on the door long after Jisoo has disappeared inside, not sure what I should say or do. How is it that a year ago Lisa was the very air I breathed, and now I feel like there's no air to be found? My lungs scream for mercy, and only then do I realize that I've yet to actually take a breath.
I suck in a deep, controlled inhale, letting it out slowly as I try to gather my thoughts enough to actually speak.
"You look beautiful, Jen." Lisa's words wash over me, and I swear every inch of my skin prickles when I finally meet her gaze again. "I'm sure your date won't be able to take his eyes off you tonight."
There's something there, something in the way she says the words that sends my heart galloping inside my chest and emotion clogging my throat. It's not long before the guilt sinks in too, though I have no idea why I feel guilty. Lisa broke up with me. It's perfectly acceptable for me to go to prom with someone—so why do I feel like I'm cheating her all of a sudden?
"Thank you." I fight back the sudden onset of tears I feel rushing to the surface, refusing to let her see how deeply the loss of her still cuts me.
What I wouldn't give to have her tell me those words as her date, to have her be the one taking me to prom, to know that it's her arms I would be spending the night dancing in. Knowing that I still want that so badly after everything is disheartening. Here I thought I was finally ready to move on, and now I'm realizing I'm still stuck in the very same place I was the day she broke things off.
"How are you? How's everything?" she asks, both of us stepping to the far side of the sidewalk to let a large group of people pass by us as they exit the restaurant.
"I'm okay. What about you? How's LSU?"
"Stressful. College ball is no joke. But it's good. It's really good."
"Well, then I'm happy for you," I force the words out, wishing like hell I could make them sound more believable.
Don't get me wrong, I want Lisa to be happy, I really do. But the thought of her being happy without me feels like a betrayal I just can't quite stomach at the moment. Because try as I may, happiness is something that is simply out of my reach.
Sadly, I think I've accepted that I'll never be the carefree girl I once was. The one who gave away her heart to a girl like it had always belonged to her anyway. No smile will ever be as genuine as the one Lisa always brought to my face. No one will ever make my heart beat like she does. No one will ever make me feel the way she makes me feel just by looking at me, which is exactly how I'm feeling right now.
"I should probably let you get inside." She switches her weight from one foot to the next.
There's something there—a flash of something dark behind her light eyes—
but before I can make out exactly what it means it's gone, making me question if I'm just looking for things that aren't actually there.
Truth is I want to know she's just as miserable as me. I want to know that right now she feels like she can't breathe—that walking away from me feels like the most impossible task and she simply can't do it—because that's exactly how I feel.
Unfortunately, I get none of that from her, not that I actually expected to.
"Yeah, you probably need to get that…" I gesture to the takeout bags in her hand, realizing I have no idea where she's heading with it. She could very well be on her way to a girl's house. The thought is nearly impossible to even entertain. "Wherever it's going," I add, heat flushing my cheeks.
She gives me a small smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes and then quickly steps past me without another word, and just like the moment I saw her standing in front of me, all the air is sucked from my body and I feel like I'm on the verge of suffocating.
An overwhelming panic starts to creep in and before I know what I'm doing, I spin around.
"Lisa."
I don't even realize I've said her name until she's turning back toward me, her jaw hard and eyes full of so many different emotions it nearly drops me to my knees. I hesitate for only a second, but it's enough time for Lisa to shut it down before I can say anything more.
"Bye, Jen." she gives me a curt nod, not allowing me to finish the thought before she's walking again.
I don't know what would have come out of my mouth next had she given me the opportunity to say anything anyway, but it's like a slap across the face just the same. I stumble back from the force of it.
Disappointment settles over me like a heavy blanket, and I let the weight of it hold me in place instead of going after Lisa like I want to.
When she left me the first time, she told me it wasn't forever. She told me that it was just for right now and that one day we would find our way back to each other. With each day that has passed, my doubt over her sincerity has grown, but I refused to chalk it up to something she just said to make saying goodbye easier; because deep down, I've been holding onto hope that that wasn't the case.
Now that hope is crashing down at my feet, and I know I'm seconds away from losing it. I can feel it bubbling in my chest, constricting my throat, burning the back of my eyes. I struggle to suck in a breath, but I can't fill my lungs enough to get any relief.
It really is over.
I don't know why it's taken me until this very moment to finally wrap my head around it. Haven't I known it all along? Did I really believe that things would work out for us someday?
"Jen." The first of my tears spill over the moment I hear Jisoo's voice. I turn just in time to enter her arms. "It's okay," she reassures me, securing me tightly against her. "You're okay," she chants over and over again until I feel the weight slowly start to recede and the fog begins to lift.
I don't know if it's one minute or ten before I take a deep breath and pull back to look at my best friend's face. She smiles sympathetically and uses the pads of her thumbs to wipe away the reminisce of tears from my cheeks.
"I'm okay," I say, letting out a slow, shaky breath.
I'm not sure if I'm trying to convince her or myself, but it feels good to say it out loud either way—like I'm telling myself that I don't have a choice. I have to be okay because there is no other option.
"I know. I know you are." She cups my face.
"She's taken so much from me already. I won't let her have this, too," I say, sniffing. It's easier to embrace the anger than let myself drown in the sadness.
"That's my girl." Jisoo smiles. "You wanna head in or do you need a few minutes? I can buy you some time."
"No. No, I'm good." I take another deep breath in and blow it out. "How's my makeup?" I ask, wiping under my eyes.
"You're probably the only person who can cry crocodile tears and manage not to completely ruin their makeup in the process." She chuckles. "You look perfect."
"Thank god for waterproof mascara." I fan my face, trying to dry my eyes.
"Come on." Jisoo grins, linking her arm with mine. "Yedam is looking mighty fine tonight." she leading me into the restaurant.
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