*JENNIE
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Given how this night started, I didn't expect it to be even remotely fun, and for once I couldn't be happier that I was wrong.
I didn't realize just how much this would help—allowing myself to just be a normal teenager. And while Lisa never strayed from my mind, I was able to push her away enough that it didn't put too bad of a damper on my evening.
I even found myself enjoying Yedam's company a lot more than I originally thought I would. While we've known each other since we were little, we've never run in the same circle of friends and therefore haven't really had a ton of interaction. I was surprised by how funny and quick witted he is, managing to keep a smile on my face for most of the night.
And while there isn't that spark that exists between Lisa and me, for the first time I think maybe I could see myself dating someone else. Not Yedam necessarily but just someone. And that thought feels better than I knew it could.
It means that even though I don't always feel like it, I am making progress. Second by second, minute by minute, day by day, a small part of me is letting go; even if deep down I'm not sure if I actually want to.
When I return to the corner table that Jisoo and I—along with our dates and few other friends—claimed for the night, I feel dead on my feet. I don't ever remember a time when dancing took it out of me quite like it has tonight.
Stretching my legs out under the table I close my eyes for a brief moment, just needing a moment to take it all in. Maybe it's running into Lisa earlier, maybe it's finally deciding that I just need to let go; maybe it's that tonight I've shown the first semblance of doing just that. But whatever it is, I feel absolutely emotionally drained.
"Here you go, Jen." My eyes pop back open at the sound of Yedam's voice, and I look up to find him standing next to me, drink extended in my direction.
"Thank you." I smile, taking the cup from him before watching him claim the seat next to me.
"I don't know about you, but I'm beat." He chuckles, relaxing back into the chair as he sips from his cup.
"I think I'm right there with you. How much longer does this thing go on for?" I ask, reaching for my phone in the center of the table and clicking it on to check the time.
When I catch sight of Lisa's name on my phone followed by a string of messages; an uneasiness creeps up my back, and I stare at the device like it's grown legs and is about to start walking.
"I think another hour or so," Yedam answers, but his voice suddenly sounds so distant I barely even register the words.
Heat washes through me, feeling like someone just poured a bucket of scalding water over my head. It's several long seconds before I'm able to actually bring myself to open the message chat and the second I do, once again everything shifts.
Lalisa: I'm sorry about earlier tonight. I'm sorry about a lot of things.
Lalisa: I hope you're having fun at prom.
Quickly followed by—
Lalisa: Okay, that's a lie. I hope you're having the worst time and you haven't been able to stop thinking about me just like I haven't stopped thinking about you.
There's a twenty-minute gap between the last two messages, and when I reach the final one I enter a total and utter state of shock.
Lalisa: I'm outside.
I look up toward the door almost expecting to see her standing there. Of course, she's not there, but I can't help but look for her anyway.
She's outside?
I find my mind questioning if I read the message right, staring down at the device and then looking back at the door like the answer is somehow going to appear in front of me.
I find myself standing without actually meaning to, mumbling something to Yedam about needing to use the restroom before numbly making my way out of the gym and into the hallway.
Every step I take toward the parking lot becomes heavier, my head and heart battling it out with no clear victor in sight. My head tells me to turn around, to turn around right now and not let her do this to me. I was doing good, enjoying myself for the first time in a very long time. My heart, however, has other plans entirely. Because my heart belongs to the one person who's calling for it, and it's a call it cannot refuse.
The night air is warm as I step outside but I still shiver, running my hands up and down my bare arms trying to smooth out the sudden goose bumps that have broken out across my flesh.
It takes me no time to locate Lisa because the second I look up she's there, leaning against the railing that runs the length on each side of the wide cement walkway.
I blink in rapid succession, my breath coming in short spurts as my chest rises and falls so quickly I wonder if I'm not hyperventilating.
She's dressed in the same faded jeans and black v-neck as before, only now an LSU baseball cap sits low on her forehead, casting a dark shadow over her eyes as she moves toward me. I can feel each step she takes, feel the air around me thicken the closer she gets. By the time she stops directly in front of me, I feel like I'm seconds away from succumbing to the weight of it all.
"I didn't think you'd come out," she admits, voice low.
"I'm not sure why I did." My voice shakes slightly. "What do you want, Lisa?"
I finally meet her gaze, and what I see there has a year full of agony rushing to the surface. Every sleepless night, every painful day, every single tear I cried hits me all at once. One look and I'm reliving every single moment of the hell I've endured over the past year. And something about the look in her eyes tells me I wasn't alone in that hell like I assumed I was.
"I don't know." She shuffles her feet, looking downward like she's not sure what to say. I think it's the first time I've ever seen Lalisa Manoban look unsure of herself. "I just—fuck, I don't know, Jen. This was supposed to be easy. I was supposed to come home, show up for my cousin's wedding, and then slip back out like I was never here. I didn't expect to see you, and I sure as hell wasn't prepared for how I would feel when I did."
"I'm sorry I screwed up your plans," I say bitterly, her words cutting right through me. It only confirms what I think I've known all along; she never had any plans to come back for me.
"It's not like that, Jen." She sighs, adjusting the ball cap on her head before shoving her hands into her pockets, her gaze finally meeting mine again.
"No? Then what's it like, Lisa? Because from where I'm standing that's exactly how it looks," I bite, anger lacing my voice.
If she came here just to ruin this night like she's ruined so many other things, I swear I'll never forgive her. She can't keep doing this to me.
"I'm just trying to say that when I saw you it reaffirmed everything I've been trying to convince myself wasn't true for the last year."
"Which is what?"
"That I'm still in love with you." It leaves her mouth in a rush, and instantly I can feel tears stinging the back of my eyes.
"As if there was a doubt that you didn't?" I choke out. "Clearly we have very different views of this relationship because not loving you versus loving you was never even a thought that crossed my mind. Because I do love you. I love you as much as I did the day you left. And the fact that you're standing here telling me that you had convinced yourself that you didn't love me anymore speaks volumes, Lalisa."
"That's not what I meant. Nothing is coming out right." I can tell she's frustrated with herself, and yet she still can't seem to do anything but dig herself further into the hole she's currently burying herself in.
"Then perhaps you should've just let things be instead of showing up here in the middle of prom to tell me that you don't love me anymore." I swipe angrily at a tear that skates down my cheek. "You took away this experience last year, and now you've come back to finish the job. Why? Because you don't want me to be happy?"
"I do want you to be happy," she objects.
"Then you shouldn't have come here."
"I know. I know, okay?" Her voice goes up a notch, and I can tell she's starting to lose her temper. "And I don't know why I couldn't just fucking stay away. But I just couldn't. Because I do still love you, Jen. Fuck, I love you so much it's fucking killing me."
"And it took seeing me on a date with someone else for you to reach this epiphany?" I stand strong even though everything inside of me wants to embrace what she just said.
"Of course not," she scoffs.
"Then what? What it is, Lisa?" I square my shoulders in an effort to exert a strength I'm not sure I even possess. "It's been a year." My voice breaks, but I quickly recover. "A year, Lisa! You leave me with promises that this isn't forever and then you disappear from my life without so much as a goodbye, and then a full year passes before I hear from you. And even then it's only because we ran into each other. How long would it have been if we hadn't, Lisa, huh? How long would I have gone on not hearing from you? Another year? Two? Ten? Did you ever plan on calling me, texting me, just checking in on me in general? Did I mean so little to you?"
"You mean everything to me, Jen!" This seems to be her last straw, and the words rip from her throat with a desperation I've never heard from her before. "You still do. Everything. I've spent the last year trying to convince myself that I didn't love you anymore because admitting to myself that I do, and I let you go, was just too painful. I thought I was doing okay. I thought I was living. But then I saw you and suddenly this fog lifted, and I realized that nothing had been right since the day I left. Not one fucking thing."
"Lisa." I lose my battle, tears falling down my cheeks in quick succession one after the other.
"I didn't come here to hurt you, Jen." She steps into me, pulling me against her chest.
My anger evaporates so quickly it's like it was never there at all. I instantly melt into her embrace, breathing in her scent like it's the first time I'm smelling it.
"I came here because I just needed you to know that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything," She continues.
"I'm sorry, too." I tighten my arms around her middle, realizing that memories have nothing on the real thing.
"I tried to stop myself from coming. I swear I did. But I knew if I didn't come that I'd regret it."
I don't dare look up at her, knowing I'd probably drown in emotion if I did. Instead, I savor the moment—the feeling of her arms around me—knowing there's no place I'd rather be than right here.
"Dance with me?" She finally speaks again after a long moment of silence. Sliding her hand under my chin she forces my face upward before taking my arms and wrapping them around her neck as she pulls my body flush with hers.
"Here?" I question, looking around to see if there's anyone else around.
Given that the entrance to the dance is on the other side of the school, it's unlikely many people will have a reason to come back here, but the thought still makes me feel vulnerable and on display.
"Right here." She guides my head to lay against her chest and then slowly starts swaying to the music so far in the distance that I can't even make out what song it is.
Honestly, it doesn't much matter. We could be slow dancing to the most upbeat song in the world, and it wouldn't make a difference right now. Because this, being with Lisa—feeling he heart pound against my cheek and her hand pressed to the small of my back—it's all I can see, feel, and hear. It's just her, just like it's always been.
I cry into her shirt, letting go of the emotion that has been bottled up so deep inside of me that I've let it consume me for the past year. I let go of the hurt and the fear and just let myself live in this one moment.
Because I know it's the only moment I'll get.
What is happening right now, no matter how intense, doesn't change the fact that nothing has actually changed. She's still going back to Louisiana, and I'm weeks away from moving into the city. If she didn't think we could make it work before, why would she think we can now?
I don't know how much time passes, how many songs flitter around us as we stand outside, arms wrapped around each other like we're both afraid to let go. At some point, we stop moving all together and go from dancing to just holding each other.
And while I wish I could hold onto this moment forever—bottle it up and never ever leave—like every moment before it this one passes too, and eventually we're left to face the reality that we have to let go. We have to let the world back in. We have to let go of the moment and let it become just another memory like all the other moments we've shared.
I'm the first to break the connection, letting my arms fall as I take a full step back and then another, needing to put a little distance between us.
Like she can sense me pulling away, more than just physically, Lisa reaches for me, but I've already stepped far enough out of her grasp that she can't. Rather than moving, she stays rooted to the spot, like she understands this is just what I need.
"I can't do this anymore, Jen. I need you. I need you in my life. I need you in my arms. I feel like I'm dying a little more each day that I'm not with you. I know I said it couldn't work. I know I gave you a hundred reasons why ending us was the best thing for us. I was trying to put someone else's needs above my own for the first time in my life, and all it's done is backfire right in my face. If it's this hard to stay away from you then maybe staying away from you was never the right thing."
"Stop." It's the only word I can manage to push past the knot in my throat. "Stop," I repeat, knowing that if she keeps going I'll never be able to say no, and saying no is exactly what I need to do right now.
Had you asked me this morning if I were faced with the option to have Lisa back what my answer would have been, I would have said yes—in an instant with absolutely zero hesitation. Because being with her is all I've thought about for nearly a year. Being with her is all that has ever felt right.
But Lisa didn't walk away from me because she didn't love me or some part of her didn't want to be with me—I can see that now more than ever. She walked away because she knew if she didn't that I would follow her. That I would give up everything and everyone to be with her. And she also knew that eventually, I would probably resent her for it.
These are all things she said to me nearly a year ago, and for some reason, it's only now that I seem to be listening.
"We can't." I finally muster the courage to admit it out loud and by the look on her face, she knew it was coming but I can still see it hurts.
Hell, it hurts me, too. Resisting Lisa is like going against my very nature—like ripping my soul in two pieces, one that will never leave Lisa and the other that knows it can't go with her.
"I know it won't be easy, but…" she starts.
"We can't, Lisa. You live in Louisiana, and I'm moving to New York in a couple of months."
"You got in?" It's an instant shift, and the heaviness lifts slightly.
The pride in her eyes is enough to bring my tears back to the surface yet again. I didn't realize how much I needed her approval until this very second.
"I got in." I smile, letting the tears fall freely.
"Oh my god, Jen, that's amazing." Before I know it I'm back in her arms, my feet leaving the ground. "I knew you could do it." She squeezes me so hard that it's almost painful, and yet not nearly hard enough. "I'm so proud of you." The last part is a whisper before she finally lowers me to my feet and takes a full step back, a sad smile etched onto her beautiful face. "So I guess this really is it huh?"
"I guess so."
She doesn't argue me on it or try to convince me that we can still make it work; I think deep down she knows it won't. How could it? College ball is a full-time job in itself. Add in her full coursework on top of mine and the fact that were over a thousand miles away from each other and it's clear to see that even if we tried, we'd only fail and probably be worse off for it.
"Fuck." She lets out a shaky breath. "I don't know if I have it in me to walk away from you a second time."
"I don't know if I have it in me to let you," I admit, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.
"So then how do we do it?" she asks, emotion so thick in this voice I nearly lose my composure and throw myself back into her arms.
I don't know how I resist doing it. Honestly, I feel like every second that ticks by makes it harder not to do just that.
"We do it together," I finally say, letting out a deep breath.
"Together." She gives me a sad smile, tears filling her eyes. "I love you, Jen. No matter where life takes you, no matter where you go, I will always love you. If you meet someone new and get married, I'll still love you. If you have children with that man and go on to live the life you've always dreamed of, I'll still love you. I will love you until the day I die, and that's one promise I will never break."
"I love you ,too." It's the last words I utter.
I don't know how I force my feet to move. I don't know how I turn and not look back. I don't know how I manage to walk back into school. I don't know how I manage any of it and yet I do.
A year ago, I thought Lisa and I would end up together some day. I thought when the time was right we'd find each other again and all the pain and heartbreak would've been worth it. Now, I walk away knowing that there's a very real possibility that I may never see her again. And that thought is both terrifying and freeing at the same time.
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