*JENNIE
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It's a beautiful day, one of those days where everything just feels right. The sun is shining brightly overhead, not a cloud in the sky, and the normally crowded campus is calm and relaxed; only students taking summer classes staying behind for the season.
Days like this don't happen often, at least not for me. Days where it feels like all the stars have aligned and there's a clearing in the distance where I can see all my hopes and dreams within my grasp.
Normally I would be one of the students heading to or from class, but this year I decided after two full years of classes not to enroll in summer courses. I'm already a full semester ahead of my other classmates and to be honest, I need the time off.
I stayed behind so V could finish up some last minute coursework and then I'll be bound for the beaches of North Carolina for two full weeks of fun in the sun before heading home for a month to spend time with my mom and Jisoo, who should be arriving in Rockfield a week before me.
V talks excitedly about our upcoming trip, telling me all about his favorite restaurants and how he can't wait to show me where he grew up. I was apprehensive about joining him at his parents' house for the two-week trip when he first asked me, but since then the idea has grown on me. The more time I spend with him the more I forget about all the reservations I had when we first started dating six months ago.
He wasn't expected and a new relationship certainly wasn't what I was looking for, but after pursuing me for weeks I finally caved and agreed to a date. I mean, why was I so scared to date again anyway? Date… It was like the dirty, unspoken word that I avoided at every turn.
I guess deep down I believed that no one would ever fill Lisa's shoes, that everyone would pale in comparison to the first one who ever owned my heart. But slowly over time, I realized that I didn't need to fill the void left by Lisa. I needed to embrace that it was a part of me and find a way to live with it.
So needless to say V wore me down. Day by day with his warm smile and chocolate eyes, he broke down the walls that had once guarded my heart so fiercely. I don't know when my fondness of him morphed into something more. It was slow growing but the realization had hit me at all once, and I spent two hours on the phone crying to Rosé over it.
It felt like a betrayal—like I was doing something wrong—but after a while, Rosé finally made me see that I wasn't replacing Lisa; I was simply letting her go. And hadn't that been what I wanted all along?
"I can't wait to take you out on the water. You're going to love it. I can't believe you've never been jet skiing." V bounces next to me, his hand wrapped around mine.
I look up to see him watching me, a wide grin on his handsome face.
"You'll have to go easy on me." I return his smile, knocking my shoulder against his.
V is one of those people who you just can't help but be attracted to. In addition to his obvious good looks—dark hair, warm brown eyes, a lopsided smile that shows off the smallest hint of two matching dimples, and a body that's toned and broad from the years he's spent surfing and sailing—he's also one of the most genuine people I've ever met. Nothing about him is complicated or hard. He wears his heart on his sleeve, and I never feel like there's anything he's keeping from me; no part of himself that he has hidden in the shadows.
"I will warn you," he continues, sliding his aviator sunglasses down on his face to shield his eyes from the sun, "my sister Brittany can be a bit of a handful. She means well, but I can't promise that she won't follow us around the entire time we're there." He chuckles, the sound vibrating deep in his chest. "She's done it since we were kids."
"I think it's sweet. I would probably do the same thing if I was her age and had a brother like you."
"She's a good kid but sometimes I just need some alone time, and I'm definitely going to want some this time around." He winks at me, and even though he's wearing sunglasses I can see the action clearly through the tinted lenses.
My cheeks flush and I quickly look away. I don't think I'll ever be able to talk about sex in a comfortable manner. I don't know why that is. Maybe it's because it feels like something that should only be discussed behind closed doors, or maybe it's because we've just recently become intimate and it just feels too new to really talk about out loud.
For the longest time, I didn't know if I'd be able to go through with it, sleeping with someone who wasn't Lisa. It was something I struggled with for quite a while, and even after we did sleep together that first time I had a really hard time looking at myself in the mirror for a couple of days.
This entire process has been a really big step for me, and even though it's been difficult, I wouldn't take it back. V has brought me back to life in a sense. His contagious smile and carefree attitude make me realize that sometimes you need to just give a little and not take life so seriously.
We've just rounded the corner of my dorm building when I feel the shift in the air. Goose bumps erupt across my skin and my stomach twists, a tight knot instantly forming. I don't understand the feeling right away. That is until I look up and find myself staring directly into a pair of bright hazel eyes, eyes I wasn't sure I'd ever see again.
"Lisa?" I don't even realize I've spoken until her name is off my lips, thrown into the wind that seems to have picked up around us.
I stop abruptly, causing V to stop next to me.
I feel disoriented, so caught off guard by her appearance that I'm not sure if it's actually happening or if I maybe fell and hit my head and am just dreaming this whole thing up.
"Lisa?" I hear V question behind me.
I don't have to look at him to know he sees what I'm looking at—or should I say who—though I doubt he would have any clue who she is had I not said the name. He's only seen Lisa once and that was in an old picture that he came across stuffed in the bottom of a desk drawer in my dorm room.
I can tell by the way his hand tightens around mine that even if he doesn't know for sure it's my Lisa, he definitely suspects it.
Lisa's eyes bounce from our adjoined hands to my face and back again, a slight tick in her jaw as she stands motionless just a couple of yards from us. I can see the struggle in her eyes, the uncertainty of what she should do next, but then she blinks and an easy smile quickly falls into place as she closes the distance between us.
"Hi, Jen."
It's just a statement, a simple greeting, and yet I feel like she's said so much more. I don't know how long I stand there, jaw on the ground, still trying to figure out if she's actually here.
I can feel V's eyes on the side of my face, but I can't force a single thing to come out.
V clears his throat and extends his hand to Lisa, clearly seeing that I'm not going to introduce them anytime soon.
"Hi, I'm Taehyung."
"Lisa," she replies coolly, taking V's hand on a firm shake before shoving both of her hands into the front pocket of her jeans as she rocks back slightly on her heels, eyes trained on my face.
"What are you doing here, Lisa?" When I finally manage to push the question out it feels raw against my throat.
"I was in the area. Thought I'd stop by and say hey." She shrugs like it's no big deal. Just an old friend dropping by.
"You were in the area?" I repeat slowly.
"Was hoping maybe you'd have time to grab a bite to eat, catch up for a little bit." She ignores my question completely.
I open my mouth to respond but then close it without uttering a single word. Honestly, I don't know what the hell to say to that. And as unexpected as it is to find her standing in front of me, I also can't deny how incredible it is to lay eyes on her after such a long time.
She's just as perfect as I remember, maybe even more so. Lisa always was the most attractive person I'd ever seen, still is. I feel guilty even thinking it with V standing next to me, but it's true. I can't help it.
"I'm gonna run up and grab my bag out of your room. Why don't you take some time to talk to your friend?" V offers, pulling my attention to him.
"Are you sure?" I ask, a thick knot in my throat.
"Yeah, of course. I still have a few things I need to take care of before our trip. I'll just call you later, okay?" He gives me a warm smile before pressing his lips to my forehead in a quick kiss.
Case and point why V is so incredible. My ex-girlfriend shows up out of the blue and instead of being an asshole about it, he offers to give me some time to figure out what she wants and why she's here. God, he really is amazing.
"Okay." I force a smile when he pulls back.
"It was nice to meet you, Lisa," he calls over his shoulder before taking off toward the entrance of my building, disappearing inside just moments later.
When I slowly turn back to Lisa, her expression has morphed from carefree to something else entirely. She takes a shaky breath in, her nostrils flaring slightly.
"I take it that's your boyfriend?" The last part comes off more like a hiss than an actual word.
"He is," I answer shakily; it's not like it's worth hiding at this point.
"How long have you two been seeing each other?"
The last thing I want to do is have this conversation directly outside of my dorm building, so I quickly move to change the direction.
"What are you doing here, Lisa? And don't give me that crap about being in the area because we both know that's not true."
"I just, fuck." She runs a hair through her messy hair, making it look even more perfect.
God, why does she have to look so good?
"I just needed to see you," she finally continues. "Can we maybe go somewhere and talk?"
I want to say no. I want to tell her to go away so I can pretend like she didn't just show up at the moment when I finally decided I was happy, determined to tear down everything I've built in her absence, but I simply can't do it.
Because at the end of the day, I still love her as much as I did yesterday, as much as I did a year ago, and two years ago and beyond that. Just because I have found some semblance of happiness doesn't for one second erase the way my heart beats against my ribs or the way my fingers itch to reach out and touch her silky hair. Even after all this time a part of me, a very large part still feels like she belongs to me and I to her.
"Okay." I finally concede. "There's a coffee shop just on the edge of campus. It's only about a five-minute walk."
"Sounds perfect." She waits for me to start walking before quickly stepping up next to me, slowing her long stride to match mine so that she can keep my pace.
We don't speak for most of the walk. It's clear to see Lisa is just as in her head as I am in mine, both of us trying to sort through what we're thinking right now before having to sit down and actually speak it aloud.
"I graduated yesterday." She finally speaks just as we round the corner to the coffee shop where I've worked since freshman year.
"Wow. Congratulations. That's amazing. How do you feel?" I nod in thanks when she holds the door open for me before following me inside.
The smell of coffee instantly assaults my senses, and I take a deep inhale, having become one of my favorite smells over the last couple of years. I don't like to drink it, but the smell is incredible. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that the smell reminds me of my mom; she's always been a big coffee drinker.
"I'm not sure yet," is all she can get out before we reach the counter, and my co-worker Nayeon cuts in.
"Jen, what are you doing here?" Her long blonde ponytail swings as she talks. "I thought you were leaving for North Carolina with that hunky boyfriend of yours."
Lisa shuffles next to me, clearly uncomfortable.
"We leave tomorrow." I try to sound as casual as possible despite the sudden flush of heat that has washed over my body.
"How fun. I'm so jelly. I would love to lie on a beach for a few days." Only then does she seem to notice Lisa, her eyes widening slightly as she takes her in. "And who's your friend?" Her voice completely changes as she asks me the question while looking directly at Lisa.
"Lisa." She gives her a megawatt smile, and I swear I can physically see Nay swoon a little.
"Where do you find these people?" Nay asks playfully as she turns back toward me.
I offer her no more than a shrug and a "we go way back" before asking if I can have my usual chai tea with two sweeteners. Nay may be perfectly content standing here ogling over Lisa until her little heart's content, but I'm rather anxious to have Lisa to myself and find out exactly what has her coming all the way here to see me so unexpectedly.
Lisa orders a coffee, black, and after paying for us both, grabs our drinks and follows me to a table in the far corner.
Sitting back in her chair, one hand on her leg, the other wrapped around her cup of coffee, she seems so lost in thought that I decide to speak first rather than waiting on her to start the conversation.
"So you were talking about graduation," I press, hoping she'll take the lead.
"I was."
Only then do I realize that I don't even know what she was studying. How sad is that? She hadn't claimed a major the last time we had actually spoken of college, and with everything that happened, it was honestly the furthest thing from my mind.
"What did you end up studying?"
"Sports medicine." She shifts in her seat, eyes never leaving mine.
"Oh wow. That's awesome." I feel cliché saying it, but I have no idea what the hell to say right now. Everything feels forced and unnatural which is unsettling considering I never felt anything but comfortable with Lisa before.
"And what about football?" I quickly add when she doesn't offer a response.
"I had some interest going into senior year, but I wasn't interested in pursuing it."
"Oh." I don't know why but this surprises me. I knew football was never her end game, but I find it hard to believe anyone would walk away from the chance to play football professionally.
"I actually got a job offer as an athletic assistant for the medical team at USC. I'm supposed to start in a couple weeks."
"That's amazing, Lisa, congratulations." I pause. "That's in California, right?"
"It is." She nods slowly, taking her first drink of coffee before setting it back down, her hand never leaving the cup.
"California," I let it roll off my tongue as I toss around what that means for her. "You always said you would go back there one day."
"Yeah, but when I thought about it I always saw you there with me."
I don't know what to say to that so I just sit here looking at her, my heart racing out of my chest, trying my best to control the tremble running through my hands.
"I miss you, Jen." Heat spreads over my face and down my torso the second the words are spoken.
"Lisa," I try to interject.
"No, just let me get this out, okay?" She waits for me to nod before continuing, "I miss you every single day. Every moment was less because you weren't there to share it with. I've missed out on so much time and now, now I find myself unsure of how to move forward without you. I don't know how to explain it, but when I was up on that stage accepting the degree I worked my ass off for, the only person I wanted to look out into the audience and see was you. But you weren't there, and it made me realize that none of it means anything if I don't have you to share it with."
"Lisa, please." My voice shakes, and I can already feel tears stinging the back of my eyes.
"The guy, is it serious?" She cuts me off.
"I mean, yeah, I guess it is." I sniff.
"Do you love him?"
"I think so." It takes me a long moment to force the words out. Why is it so hard to say what just an hour ago I thought I felt.
"You think so or you know so?" She crosses her arms in front of her chest.
"I mean, it's still pretty new."
"But you're going on a trip with him?" She continues to pound questions at me.
"We're going to spend two weeks in North Carolina with his family," I admit, guilt swarming me from every side.
Why the hell do I feel so damn guilty?
"So you're going to stay with his family for two full weeks, and you can't even tell me for sure if you love the guy?" She cocks a brow, frustration etched in every feature of her face.
"I mean, I do love him. It's just…"
"It's just what, Jen?"
"It's different, the love. It's different than what you and I had." She cringes at my use of past tense. "But he makes me happy."
"Good." She lets out slowly, clearly battling with what to say next.
"Why are you really here, Lisa?"
"I told you. I'm here for you."
"So what then? You just show up after nearly three years and you expect me to drop my life and everything I've built here to what—go to California with you?"
"Well, when you put it like that." She blows out a breath, looking more conflicted with each moment that passes.
"I still have another year of school left. And I have friends here and a…"
"Boyfriend," she finishes my sentence.
"Yes and a boyfriend," I snip, letting my emotions get the better of me.
"I guess I didn't think this all the way through. I think… I mean, I guess I thought…"
"You thought you could just show up here, and we'd just pick right back up where we left off. God, Lisa. Look at us. It's been three years and yet were still doing this same old song and dance. Maybe you've graduated and are ready to start the next journey of your life, but I'm not. My life is here. Nothing has changed for me. So unless you're here to tell me that you're moving to New York then we have nothing left to discuss."
"Would you leave him, your boyfriend I mean? If I were to move here, would you leave him and be with me?"
"Are you moving to New York?" I challenge, leaning back in my chair on a sigh when she doesn't answer right away. "That's what I thought."
"Fuck," she growls, pushing her chair back so it skids across the floor as she stands. "I shouldn't have come here."
And just like that she turns and storms out of the coffee shop, walking away from me yet again.
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