One shot based on the song Grace by Kate Havnevik. Each paragraph relates to the lyric above. Based around the start of season 2. Would really appreciate any feedback you have!
I'm on my knees, only memories, are left for me to hold.
Meredith was sitting in the shower in a trance. Her hands were wrapped around her knees. The water running down her body was quickly turning colder and colder, but she didn't notice. Her mind was miles away, stuck in the memory from a few hours before.
She had begged him. She had given him her last shred of dignity and he had tossed her aside. Just like her mother had. He had promised her the world and then left her. Just like her father had. Why did everyone she love leave her? Why did they give her hope and run?
She was tired. Physically tired yes but mainly mentally tired. Having her heart broken seemed to have that effect. She felt so damaged, so fragile. She couldn't imagine ever having even an ounce of hope again. Maybe that was for the best. Maybe feeling like this was how she needed to protect herself.
Don't know how but I'll get by. Slowly pull myself together.
Meredith was pulled from her trance at the sound of a quiet knock on the door.
"Meredith? Are you okay?" Christina asked from the other side of the door.
Meredith could hear the words but couldn't process them and just stared at the door. She saw the knob turn and subsequently watched the door open through the clear glass of the shower. Her best friend's face appeared and flinched at the sight of her. Christina sighed and grabbed the towel hanging on the back of the door. She opened the shower door and reached over to turn the faucet off. With the water stopped she stepped in and pulled on Meredith's arm to coax her off the floor. Once Meredith was standing upright, she wrapped the towel around her and helped her step out onto the bathmat.
"You're here?" Meredith whispered, reaching her hand up to touch Christina's face as if to check if she was real.
"Yes Mer. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." Christina took Meredith's hand from her face and held it tightly.
"You're the only one left. Why are you still here?"
Christina felt a tightness in her chest. "I'm here because you're my person. I'm always going to be here. Always."
"Oh." Meredith replied. "I'm not sure if I have any hope left to believe you."
Christina let out a breath, she could kill the many people in Meredith's life that made her feel this way. "That's okay. I'll be here anyway."
There's no escape, so keep me safe, this feels so unreal, nothing comes easily, fill this empty space, turn my grief to grace.
Meredith was back at work after her breakdown the night before and she was fine. At least she told herself that she was fine. In reality what she perceived as fine was far from the correct definition. She was lagging behind her friends as they competed rounds. Finally, they reached the patient that Meredith had been dreading. Derek's patient.
Meredith stepped into the room and hid behind Izzie. She dipped her head to avoid making eye contact with him. She listened as George presented and at the first available chance she bolted out of the room. As Derek made a move to follow her, her friends made eye contact. 'In silent agreement, Izzie stepped forward colliding with Derek. He gave her a look and walked past her. Next George 'accidentally' dropped a chart right in front of him and crouched down to pick it up. Successfully avoiding tripping, he continued but walked straight into Alex who had conveniently stepped right into him. Derek huffed in annoyance but kept moving forward.
Christina grabbed his arm and pulled him closer. "Haven't you done enough damage?" She hissed into his ear.
Derek just pulled his arm back and glared at her before jogging to catch up with Meredith.
"Meredith. Wait. Can we talk?" He asked, falling into step next to her.
Meredith closed her eyes and sighed. "We have nothing to talk about Derek. You chose Addison. Your wife."
Derek pulled her into a supply closet as they passed and pulled her close. Meredith tried to find the strength to fight and to push him away, but she felt so safe in his arms. She slowly felt herself relax. His breathing on her neck made her gradually forget all the reasons she shouldn't be doing this and she tilted her head to give him better access.
Derek took her invitation and ran with it. Immediately attacking her neck with his tongue making his way down her neck. Once he had reached as far as he could with her shirt on, he pulled it off and unhooked her bra.
Meredith sighed in pleasure at his actions. Deep down she knew she shouldn't be doing this. It wasn't helping the situation at all. But she couldn't bring herself to stop. She loved the way he made her feel.
I feel the cold, loneliness unfold, like from another world. Come what may, I won't fade away. But I know I might change.
Their activities over, Meredith and Derek quickly got dressed. Derek kissed the top of her head and then headed straight to the door without saying a word. Meredith just watched him go. Immediately she missed the warmth of his embrace.
She waited a few minutes before following him out. Heading to the nurses' station she sat down and began catching up on her charting. Someone dropping a tray made her look up and the sight at the end of the corridor kept her attention.
Addison and Derek were leaning against the wall. Addison's back was to her, but she could see Derek's face clearly. She watched him bring his hand up to her face and caress it slowly. She could see the love on his face plain as day.
Her heart constricted and she felt a chill over her whole body. The loneliness swept over her and she felt herself struggle to breathe. She knew a panic attack was starting but she was frozen. A tug on her arm broke the spell and she let herself get pulled into the nurses' station office. Christina led her to a seat and grabbed a paper bag handing it to Meredith. Knowing the only thing she needed to do was be there she sat next to her and rubbed circles on her back as her breathing got more under control.
Nothing comes easily, fill this empty space. Nothing is like it was, turn my grief to grace
It had been a few days since their last encounter. Meredith had been avoiding Derek at all costs. She didn't want to be the other woman, but she lost all self-control around him. He was the hunter and she was the deer. Doe-eyed and helpless when she was the focus of his attention.
Her run of avoiding him was coming to an end though. He had requested her to work with him today and although Bailey had tried to intervene, he was determined. So, Meredith found herself walking toward his office. She was filled with dread at what she knew would happen, but she also felt the flutter of excitement and want. She hated him for doing this to her. But she hated herself more for letting him do it.
She arrived at his office door and took a deep breath. Halfheartedly trying to build up her resolve when she knew there was no point. Any resistance she showed would make him pursue her harder.
"Come in." Derek said from the other side of the door.
Meredith walked through the door and left it open. "You requested me on your service today?"
"Ahh Meredith, perfect. Can you close the door please?"
Meredith felt her heart rate increase. "Just let me know what you'd like me to do and then I'll go do it." She replied with a smile plastered on her face.
Derek looked up from his paperwork and ran his eyes over her lazily. He placed his pen down and stood up. He walked over to her and tilted her chin up. Leaning in as if he was going to kiss her, he stopped right before his lips met hers. Meredith took a deep breath in anticipation.
"Shut the door Meredith. Lock it as well please." He whispered.
She tried to fight the urge and he could see her internal conflict. He gave her a soft kiss and slowly deepened it and she felt any hesitation melt away. Finally, she felt relief flood through her body. His kiss filled an empty space and she felt her grief slowly turn to grace.
He pulled back and gave her a questioning look. Already drowning in him she walked backward and shut the door, flicking the lock without breaking eye contact.
Nothing comes easily, where do I begin. Nothing can bring me peace. I've lost everything. I just want to feel your embrace.
It had been weeks of the same thing. Meredith trying to avoid Derek but him eventually finding her. Her trying to resist but failing every time. She had realized it wasn't about the sex. When he held her, she felt protected. He made her feel like the only thing in the world. But she could finally feel her heart catching up with her head. The peace that she usually felt in his arms was slipping away, out of her grasp. She knew she had to move on to find her peace somewhere else.
That's why she was here. Outside his office door, preparing herself. Her resolve was stronger than it had ever been and she knew this needed to happen. She knocked and entered at his answer.
"Meredith, this is a surprise. I must say it's nice not to have to seek you out myself. This will be so much easier now we're on the same page." He said as he stood up and walked over to her.
Meredith took a step back. "I'm not here for that Derek. I won't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore."
Derek cocked his head and frowned. Closing the gap between them he took her head and kissed her. Meredith let it happen for a few seconds. A goodbye kiss. She deserved that at least. Eventually, she pulled back and put her arm out to stop him from getting close again.
"I mean it this time Derek. If you continue this I'll tell Addison everything. I don't care about the repercussions. I can't take this anymore. I won't let you break me any more than you already have." She said firmly, her eyes hardening.
Meredith could see it in his eyes that he knew he wouldn't be able to get her to budge. He knew her mind was made up. Her heart fluttered slightly at the disappointment that flashed through his eyes. But she clamped it down, if he was disappointed enough then they never would be in this position in the first place.
"Okay. This thing between us. It's over." Derek said, taking a step back from her.
She let out a sigh of relief and whispered. "Finally."