October 1981
Severus couldn't stop the hot tears, the racking sobs. His miserable life had hit an all time low.
Lily was dead.
Losing her friendship had been the worst thing to happen to him, but at least he had known she was happy with her life, even if it meant building a life and a family with a man he hated, without him.
But now she was dead.
"I thought... you were going... to keep her safe..."
Dumbledore stood nearby, much less emotional. "She and James put their faith in the wrong person. Rather like you, Severus. Weren't you hoping that Lord Voldemort would spare her?"
The guilt stung like a dagger, but he managed to notice how Dumbledore had deflected the question.
"Her boy survives," Dumbledore added.
Severus didn't care. He didn't care about anything anymore.
"He has her eyes," Dumbledore continued. "Precisely her eyes. You remember the shape and color of Lily Evans' eyes, I am sure?"
"DON'T!" Severus bellowed. Why must the old wizard drive the dagger in deeper? "She's gone..."
"Is this remorse, Severus?"
Severus sobbed again. He wanted desperately to have someone to blame, but neither of them had forgotten his own hand in the terrible affair. That blasted prophesy. If only he hadn't opened his fool mouth. If only he hadn't been so stupidly eager to prove himself to that devil of a wizard. If only Severus hadn't screwed up for the umpteenth time in his life. If only he hadn't lost Lily twice. If only Lily hadn't had to pay the ultimate price for his idiocy.
"I wish... I wish I were dead..."
"What use would that be to anyone?" Dumbledore asked coldly. "If you loved Lily Evans, if you truly loved her, then your way forward is clear."
Another stab to the heart. Severus' entire being was fogged with pain and grief. It took a few minutes for the words, and their meaning, to sink in.
"What... what do you mean?"
"You know how and why she died. Make sure it was not in vain. Help me protect Lily's son."
More guilt. Even if it was his fault that Lily was dead, did that make him the Headmaster's slave? Would that be sufficient penance for his sins? Was that all he was good for now?
Maybe. But how could he ever make up for killing Lily? How could bending to Dumbledore's will ever make anything better ever again?
"He does not need protection... The Dark Lord has gone..."
"The Dark Lord will return, and Harry Potter will be in terrible danger when he does," Dumbledore insisted.
Severus slowly managed to regain control of his breathing, and some clarity of mind. There was no chance of the Dark Lord returning. He was dead. No magic could bring back the dead. But then, the Dark Lord had been quite obsessed with the idea of becoming immortal. If he had somehow managed it, if he was able to return one day...
It was a terrible possibility. But how could anything Severus did, even attempting to shield Lily's son from such evil, make up for his colossal mistakes? Dumbledore seemed insistent on it, however. Even if Severus didn't deserve words of condolence, was serving the Headmaster all he was good for now?
No. Severus was good for nothing. Had he ever done anything right? Dumbledore didn't really need such a screw-up. No one needed him. No one ever did.
"Protect him yourself. I'm done."
At home in Spinner's End, alone in his dank, dark house with his thoughts, Severus was able to think a bit straighter.
He hadn't expected any sympathy from Dumbledore. He didn't deserve any. He'd probably deserved all the stabs of guilt. But as he thought back, the Headmaster had been rather fixated on using that guilt to get Severus to agree to answer to him. Nothing else. No warmth for two fallen heroes of the Order. No show of grief for the loss of two of his golden students. Barely any sympathy for an orphaned child. Just working every angle he could to manipulate Severus for his own ends, already thinking ahead to facing the Dark Lord again.
Was that all Dumbledore was interested in? Battle plans and strategies? Severus' Slytherin nature partly admired the logic, but right now he found it cold, uncaring, meaningless. He was too numb with grief to care about the Headmaster's schemes or the Dark Lord or Harry Potter or anything. What did anything matter anymore?
If only he was dead. If only to tick off Dumbledore that he had one less pawn at his disposal. No one else would care if Severus dropped off the face of the earth. If he just disappeared...
The idea took root. There was nothing for him here, no one to miss him, and Dumbledore wouldn't have his pawn. Nothing said he had to stay here. He could run away, leave all this behind. All the mistakes, all the painful memories, all of it. There was no erasing what he did, but a new start somewhere else sounded more and more appealing until he couldn't stop thinking about it.
He packed up what few belongings he had. He sold his house, ready to never set foot or lay eyes on it again. He even made sure to take care of the neighbors.
When a certain old wizard asked the locals in Cokeworth for directions, they all assured him there was no such person as Severus Snape, and if there was, he'd never lived there.