"Knew it - there's a blizzard coming."

Severus pulled his cloak close against the fierce winds, tramping through heavy snow. Harsh weather was brewing, he could tell. He would have to cut his foraging short and stock up before it hit.

Hedwig gripped his shoulder with her talons, making him wince. He made it to the greenhouse and hurriedly filled his basket with whatever produce was ready. A quick watering to hold them over, and then he left, securing the greenhouse with a couple of protection spells.

"Stay in," he told Hedwig as he set the basket down in the kitchen. "I'll fetch more firewood."

But she screeched in protest and dug her talons in deeper.

"Ouch! Fine, have it your way, stubborn bird."

He trudged through the snow, a black-clad figure with a white owl on his shoulder. It was snowing and blowing harder by the time he got the logs and kindling, and he was already out of breath, but he hurried into the house with the wood.

As soon as he was inside, he bolted the door, then brought the wood to the fireplace. He collapsed on the sofa without taking his cloak off, catching his breath. Hedwig flapped off and perched on the sofa armrest. When he could breathe easier, he removed his cloak and shoes and put his feet up with a sigh. It didn't take long these days for his ankles to swell up, or for him to get out of breath. His back ached from the exertion of doing his chores as fast as he could, as well as the weight of his expanding belly. He leaned back with his eyes shut, holding his belly as he felt Harry rolling around. Now that there was nothing to do but stay put and wait it out, a nap sounded good.

When he woke up, it was howling outside. The windows were solid white. He got up with a grunt to use the bathroom, then got a snack. Two buckets of melted snow sat on the counter, and he dipped a cup into one for a drink. He fetched a blanket and pillows from his room and returned to the sofa, settling himself along it and rearranging pillows until he was reclined in a fairly comfortable position, covered with the blanket. He summoned a book and read for a few hours, resting it atop his belly, stroking it as Harry kicked every now and then.

"Listen closely - this is a very important chapter on the properties of various dragon parts and their benefits in potions." Severus had noticed that Harry tended to move more while he was talking, so he often read aloud. Somehow, feeling Harry wiggle around helped ease his mind about how he was doing.

When his eyes grew heavy and he kept yawning, he set the book aside and watched the flames in the hearth until he drifted off again. The fatigue of his condition and the coziness of cocooning in warm, soft layers during winter made him sleepy.

The blizzard raged on the next day, and Severus puttered around the house without giving it much thought. He tidied and cleaned here and there, nibbled throughout the day, gave some tidbits to Hedwig who obviously didn't want to go outside to hunt, did some brewing, and other various chores. He was taking some laundry to his room when he suddenly realized what he was doing. Somewhere along the way, his normally smooth gait had started to sway a little.

"Oh Merlin, the waddle." Even he wasn't immune to the pregnant waddle, given how much weight he was gaining in front. It had been bound to happen eventually, and he was seven months along. Who knew how long it had been going on already with no one around to point it out to him? Then again, no one was around to see, so what difference did it make? He could waddle like a blasted penguin all day and no one would be the wiser. He resigned himself to his temporarily ungraceful gait - it and all the other side effects would go away after he had Potter. It would happen soon before he knew it.

The blizzard continued when he went to bed. Severus barely heard the winds outside as he grunted and shifted and tried to get comfortable, only to get kicked in the ribs when he finally got settled in.

"Oof! Why do you always do this at bedtime?" He stroked his belly to try and calm Harry down, but as usual, the tyke kept up the kickboxing and the rolling and the punching. Severus winced occasionally from all the rambunctious activity going on inside him, yet at the same time he was glad to know Harry was feeling so good. This was the most energy he had ever witnessed in the boy, and perhaps the best Harry had felt in years. He certainly wasn't acting weak and lethargic in the womb. Severus hoped this meant the boy was feeling healthier and secure, even if he was too young to register such feelings yet. The least Severus could do was give the boy a better start to life, even if it meant getting kicked in the guts all night.

The blizzard raged another day, and Severus spent another leisurely day indoors doing this and that. Hedwig dozed on and off, accepting tidbits from Severus whenever he got something to eat. In the evening, after dinner, she watched as Severus sat with his feet up, holding his belly and chuckling under his breath as he felt it twitch every few seconds. Harry had the hiccups. He was definitely acting like a normal, healthy baby, and Severus was always relieved to see it. Hopefully this meant Harry would remain a normal, healthy child.

Severus couldn't help thinking ahead and wondering what Harry would look like when he was born. The same eyes, definitely. Would he be bald, or have some of his black hair in? Would he be slender, or have plenty of baby fat? Severus was doing his best to keep the growing boy well fed, and he hoped it would equal a baby with a healthy weight. He was eager to find out, eager to see and hold the baby he was carrying.

He stroked his belly when the hiccups ceased. Harry fidgeted, then punched out at his hands, making Severus chuckle again. Harry tended to react at being stroked and rubbed, which somehow only made Severus do it more. His hands were usually on his belly whether he was thinking about it or not. It was second nature now, perhaps part of being a male bearer, wanting to make contact with the child he carried. They couldn't be any closer connected, technically speaking, yet Severus liked to feel Harry respond to his touch. It reassured him that Harry was alive and alert and doing well. That was all. What else could it be?

As per usual, Harry continued his acrobatics when Severus went to bed. He situated himself amongst his pillows as best he could and settled in, knowing he would be up eventually to use the bathroom again, or woken by a particularly strong kick. But he had nowhere to go, no job to get up for, no social obligations. He could sleep as long as he could, or as much as Harry would allow him to.

"I hope this isn't setting a precedent for your future sleeping habits." But he wasn't upset as he shut his eyes, feeling Harry rolling around inside him, forgetting about the storm outside.

Severus stood outside with his hands on his back, gazing over the landscape. March was showing early signs of spring as color seeped back into the land, as the ice melted and new plants sprung up. Hedwig was leisurely flying overhead, enjoying the cool breezes.

He rubbed his back - it was frequently sore from supporting an increasingly heavy belly. He was fairly sure Harry was not suffering from stunted growth this time, judging by his size. Harry kicked, and Severus automatically rubbed the spot.

"A little fresh air will do us good, what do you think? We've been cooped up a lot this winter." He smirked as Harry kicked again.

Carefully reaching over, he picked up his basket from the bench against his house, and started towards the wooded areas where he knew certain herbs would be sprouting. He went slowly and carefully, knowing there was no one around to help if he took a tumble. Hedwig soon followed, then overtook him, hooting at him.

"Don't rush me, I cannot move so quickly anymore. I'm getting fat with child." But he gently ran a hand over his round belly, content to go as slow as he needed to. Hedwig maintained a short distance as she flew ahead, keeping him in sight.

Despite his leisurely pace, Severus had to stop to catch his breath after an hour, leaning on a tree. Hedwig perched on a branch, gazing at him with wide, gold eyes.

"I'm fine, I just need a brief rest." He rubbed his back again as he took deep breaths. The exercise was good for both of them, but it didn't have to be very vigorous before he needed to take a break. It hadn't escaped his notice how in some ways he was slowing down the bigger he got. He couldn't afford to sit around all day when there were chores to do, but being heavily pregnant meant having to acknowledge his changing limitations as his body changed to accommodate the baby. It was temporary, he knew, and he was managing these changes just fine.

After a few minutes, he went on, Hedwig staying close by. Every now and then he found something useful for potions, and he would carefully cast a severing charm on the plants before levitating them into the basket. Anything to prevent his having to bend over, which was quite inadvisable by now. Hedwig caught a lizard, and dropped it into the basket.

"Thank you."

It was a nice walk, or waddle at this point. The swaying motion of his steps helped rock Harry to sleep, and Severus felt at peace being out in nature again, taking in the quiet scenery as he carried a sleeping baby inside him. He'd never been so calm and relaxed back in wizarding Britain. It had always been one crisis after another, one stressful event on top of another. Out here, there were no politics, no schemes, no agendas, no drunks or bullies or manipulative wizards. It was just him and nature's natural rhythms, seasons changing, storms coming and going, plants growing, animals living by instinct and minding their own business. The years out here had left him more tranquil than he ever remembered being, or ever thought he could be. How much of a wreck would he have been had he remained in Britain amid so much stress, bottling up the grief and anger until it consumed him? The thought prompted a familiar pang of guilt for having failed to protect Harry from such a tumultuous life. Those years of trauma couldn't be undone, not entirely, but at least Harry would never remember them. He was a healthy, vigorous baby now, and Severus would make sure he never learned anything of his painful past.

He stopped rubbing his belly and stopped in his tracks when he caught sight of a rabbit nearby. Come to think of it, he was hungry. Or perhaps Harry was hungry? It was difficult to know the difference, or perhaps there wasn't one. Having meat with lunch sounded nice. Some extra protein would be good for the baby.

Hedwig had followed his gaze and presumably his line of thought, and dove to catch her prey. Minutes later, she flew up with a dead rabbit in her talons, which she deposited into his basket.

"Good... job." He was no stranger to hunting - he'd done the bulk of it himself for years, until his own bulk prompted Hedwig to take over some of it. A dead rabbit was not a new sight at all. But his eyes misted over as he imagined any baby bunnies that were now missing a parent, or baby bunnies who would now never be born, and he started sobbing.

Hedwig gave him a reproachful look. Hunting for food was a normal, necessary part of life, but lately this human carrying her wizard kept making such noises about all sorts of things that were normal. She screeched and ruffled her feathers.

Severus sniffled and tried to regain control of himself. "I'm getting pathetic, aren't I," he croaked. He took a handkerchief out of his pocket and blew his nose. Then he turned around for home, feeling tired, Hedwig flying just ahead.

Once home, he put away the ingredients he'd gathered, bundling and drying and jarring for later. In the kitchen, he began prepping the rabbit with practiced hands and a more rational mind. Hedwig watched from her perch as Severus rubbed herbs into the meat and put it in the oven. It seemed strange to her, but at least he had given her some of the raw meat to eat before he prepared the rest for himself, so she had been able to partake in her prey as well. It was only fair.

Severus washed his hands before rinsing and chopping up some of the produce from that morning's pick and putting it on the stove. It didn't take long before delicious smells filled the kitchen.

"Patience," he said as Harry woke up and started squirming. "We'll be eating soon. I will not let you starve."

The meal was worth the wait; Severus relished every bite and ate everything. He set the dishes to wash themselves and settled in his armchair amid plenty of pillows to rest a while.

Hedwig came up on the armrest as he watched Harry wiggling around inside him.

"It appears it was a hit with everyone." He inhaled from a sharp kick, but smiled as he rubbed the spot. Harry was definitely getting stronger.

Hedwig watched with interest for a while before stepping onto Severus' lap and rubbing her head against his belly. As usual, Harry kicked at her, and she rubbed harder.

"At times, I do believe he remembers you." The bond between a boy and his owl didn't seem broken, despite the drastic change in circumstances. Severus rested his hands above his belly and observed as the owl and the unborn baby interacted with each other the only way they could. He was certain by now that these two would not be separated by anything but death. Hedwig had proved herself a good companion, but he wasn't fooling himself about who she was really there for. She was Harry's owl through and through. Loyalty was an important trait in a familiar, and she was definitely steadfast.

He wished he had thought to ask Harry how he had met his owl. But that story and many others of the boy's life were lost to history now. Of those that lived and remembered, none seemed to care about Harry's past or future, much less share it. Severus hadn't bothered to find out any news from wizarding Britain, but he imagined they were going about their own business rebuilding after the defeat of the Dark Lord, without a thought or care for the boy that had sacrificed so much to make it happen. Even if anyone was looking for him, which he doubted, they would never find him now even if they showed up on Severus' doorstep, which he also doubted. They didn't deserve him, they didn't want him, and he was never going back. Just as Severus wasn't wanted and was never going back.

Full from lunch and content to feel Harry wiggling and Hedwig rubbing, he leaned his head back and allowed his eyes to shut as he nodded off.

He woke later with a start as Harry kicked his bladder. He scrambled out of the armchair most ungracefully, startling Hedwig, and made an undignified dash for the bathroom.

"Very amusing," he commented when he came out. "Just like the last fifty times you've done that." But he patted his belly without any hard feelings. "I'm awake now, what shall we do?"

He remembered he needed to make more soap, and waddled to his lab.

For the next two hours, as Hedwig watched, he stood over a bubbling cauldron, carefully adding ingredients foraged from the land, his long hair tied back in a low ponytail. He often forgot to trim his hair, since there was no point in keeping up appearances, but pregnancy was making his hair grow faster; it now hung down to his armpits. Rather than deal with cutting it over and over, he simply tied it back when necessary.

He'd brewed this hundreds of times, but lately it was proving challenging with a protruding baby bump that easily knocked things over and made it harder to get close to the cauldron. He had to stand somewhat sideways to properly see what he was brewing, and more than once he bumped into his scales or his jars or knocked something to the floor. Growls of frustration escaped him as he levitated something he'd dropped for the umpteenth time; his clumsiness was disrupting his brewing, and that was one of his pet peeves.

When the brew was ready, it smelled fresh and light, a pale green color. He ladled it into molds, where it would harden over the next 24 hours.

The cauldron and tools were scrubbed, giving him a chance to calm down from his frustrations over feeling like a knocked up cow in a cauldron shop. He reminded himself that it was only natural that he'd get bigger as his pregnancy progressed and Harry grew, as he should. It wasn't Harry's fault that he was taking up more space these days in more ways than one. Better than being scrawny and malnourished as he was before. It was worth getting fat for a few months if it meant producing a healthy baby. He didn't have much longer to go anyway.

With everything cleaned and put away, he left his lab, Hedwig flying after him. He checked on the rabbit skin he'd left in the kitchen - he always saved the pelts. He magically cleaned off the blood, then took it outside to dry, fur side down. Tomorrow he'd add it to the blanket he was making.

His mind wandered to how the soft fur would feel against a baby's sensitive skin. It should be very warm and forgiving.

Then he wondered what he was going to do for clothes. Even a baby couldn't go naked forever. And what about nappies? Those were definitely essential. He might have to go into town. Not that he wanted to. He rarely ever went into town, and he hadn't gone since he'd purchased his paternity robes months before. It felt like ages ago. But in addition to his general aversion to mingling with other people, he was sporting a large baby bump that left nothing to the imagination, and there'd be no blending in as he waddled around, belly out. He especially didn't feel like dealing with the attention that would bring. Magical folk would know he was a male bearer, a secret he still wanted to keep, and Muggles would simply freak out and cause a big fuss. And he actively avoided fuss.

Perhaps he could manage this himself. He often found ways of procuring what he needed without having to purchase it. His mind was already turning, thinking of what he could use. Years of living off the land had made him more creative in how he saw to his needs, and now the needs of a coming baby.

"Not to worry," he said with a couple pats as he felt Harry shifting around. "I will take care of everything."

The next day, he checked on the soap and found it fully hardened. He took the bars out of the molds and put them away in the bathroom. Then he waddled out to the greenhouse, Hedwig on his shoulder. Everything that was ripe was picked, and he nibbled on some blackberries as a snack. He watered what needed to be watered, pruning as he went. Afterwards, he plucked several cabbage leaves, then the petals off a blossoming squash.

The gathered fruits and vegetables were left in the basket in the kitchen, but he took out the leaves and petals and set them on the table. He lowered himself into a chair and took out his wand. Hedwig watched from her perch as he concentrated over a petal, slowly waving his wand as he muttered under his breath. It eventually transfigured into a rectangular cloth. He fingered it - should be absorbent enough. He set it aside and slid over another petal. When he ran out of petals, he had a stack of several cloths.

He took a leaf and concentrated with his wand. This one would be a bit trickier, but he should be able to pull it off. A couple minutes later, the leaf transfigured into a basic little onesie. He picked it up and fingered the garment, about the right size for a newborn. It was white. Babies were messy creatures, weren't they? Who wanted to spend all their time brewing stain remover potions, after cleaning up the baby yet again? He took another leaf and transfigured it into another onesie, this time in black. He smiled in satisfaction as he held it up. Much better. The rest of the leaves became little black onesies.

"This should set you up nicely." He admired his handiwork for a minute, rubbing his belly contentedly. Then he stood up with a grunt and took the new garments and nappies to be washed. While they dried, hung outside since it was sunny out, Severus checked the rabbit skin and declared it ready. He fetched the blanket in progress and a needle and thread and took it all outside, since it was so nice out. He sat on the bench, carefully stitching the new skin to the others. There was a slight breeze, cool and brisk. Birds chirped in the distance. There were clouds in the sky, possibly bringing rain later.

When he was done seaming, he took out his wand and went over it with a sealing charm. Then he held the blanket out for a moment, gazing at the different colored furs, before draping it over what was left of his lap. It just extended past. With several more pelts, it should be a good size. Folding his hands on his belly, he sat back and gazed out at the land. Winter was giving way to spring. Time was marching on.

Severus took a deep breath as he leaned back on the bed, winded just from getting his socks on. He ran a hand over his large belly - 36 weeks along already.

"Where has the time gone? Seems only yesterday you fit right under my hands."

Harry was now too big to do somersaults, or kick out as far as he used to. But he still squirmed and kicked as best he could in his limited space, reassuring Severus he was alive and well, even if it was pretty uncomfortable by now.

The little clothes and nappies were folded and put away in the drawer with Harry's wand. It was unofficially Harry's drawer. Severus had debated transfiguring some socks to go with the onesies, but had only managed to transfigure one pair before he was overcome with inexplicably strong feelings just by gazing at the tiny socks in his hand, and he hadn't been able to make more and cry at the same time. Crying had won out that day. He wasn't proud of it. His ordinarily firm self control was no match for pregnancy hormones, a fact he had to accept even if he didn't like it.

It had been hard enough getting his socks on, so he didn't bother putting on shoes. April was warm and the ground more forgiving, so he went without whenever possible. He took another deep breath and gripped the footboard of the bed as he hauled himself to his feet, then waddled to the kitchen. Hedwig was tapping on the window to be let in. She had a dead mouse in her beak.

"I see the hunting continues to improve." He fixed his own breakfast while Hedwig swallowed her mouse.

Severus thought over what he needed to do that day while he ate. The greenhouse needed to be tended every day, but he had potions on the mind. He needed to forage for more ingredients, and there were specific potions he needed to brew. That would be today's focus.

Hedwig rode on his shoulder as usual while he stepped through the greenhouse, picking and nibbling and watering and weeding and nibbling. He had never eaten so often in his life, but he'd never eaten for two before.

"He's certainly not stunted now, by the looks of me." Severus patted his swollen belly with some pride, feeling Harry wriggle around from the snack. He'd never seen a Healer, but by all accounts he was having a healthy baby. Severus had done everything he could think of to ensure Harry got the best start: he was careful with what he came into contact with, he made sure Harry got enough to eat, and he got some exercise and rest whenever he could. Gaining so much weight in front was uncomfortable and cumbersome at times, but all he had to do was recall the scrawny, injured teen from last year to decide that this was preferable.

And temporary. Harry would be here in just a few weeks at the most. The time had flown by.

After putting the produce in the kitchen, Severus resigned himself to another exhausting round of putting on footwear. It was one thing to go around the house or to the greenhouse in his socks, but it wouldn't be a good idea to go out in the woods without shoes. Getting bit or cut wasn't ideal to begin with, but being pregnant made him more vigilant about avoiding risks. It was always in the back of his mind, if not the forefront, to make sure Harry was safe.

Once his shoes were finally on - a little tight these days - he set out with his basket, Hedwig flying ahead of him as he slowly waddled along, taking everything in. Spring was a beautiful time of year - everything was new, turning green and lush and blossoming, waking up from hibernation. Severus found many things growing that were useful in potions, and his basket quickly filled with specimens. Hedwig brought him lizards and insects.

New life was everywhere, as Severus always saw at this time of year. Baby birds chirped hungrily in their nests, badger cubs followed their mothers, bunnies hopped away to hide, fox pups wrestled with each other. He fondly stroked his big belly without thinking; this was the season when nature had babies, and this time so was he. The animals were bringing forth new life, and he was swollen and full with life, soon to give birth. He felt more connected to this wilderness he'd made his home, like he was getting to participate in this important seasonal ritual along with the other residents.

He stopped in his tracks when he came across a doe, accompanied by her fawn. He clutched his belly, unable to look away as the deer sedately walked together in search of sustenance. He remembered all over again that he was carrying Lily's son. Very soon, he would be holding her baby. He blinked back tears; not only was he pregnant, something he knew he would only get to experience once, but he was pregnant with Lily's child, something he'd long thought impossible. And it was almost over. Harry would be born soon, and then - he'd be gone. Handed over and out of his life.

This wasn't news. Severus had been thinking and planning about this ever since he'd gotten pregnant with Harry. Yet those plans had always remained vague, never settled in stone. He'd come up with several factors and details that needed to be ironed out, and most of those wrinkles remained. The problem of finding the perfect people to take him in was more urgent than ever, yet he had been thinking about it less lately, and done even less about it. He was stalling.

Why?

It wasn't like him not to deal with a problem right away, not to do anything about it. He should have settled this months ago. He should have a plan in motion already, yet here he was, mere weeks away from giving birth, and the most he'd done to prepare was make some nappies and clothes so Harry would at least have the bare necessities, wherever he went. Why was he dragging his heels over such an important decision? Didn't Harry deserve better than this?

The deer walked out of sight, and Severus turned around to amble home, turning everything over in his mind. Seeing baby animals everywhere made him more melancholy now. They never had to debate over who was best to raise their offspring. They got to keep theirs.

Hedwig flew up and landed on his shoulder, hooting in his ear.

"Forgive me, Hedwig. I've failed him again."

He continued this line of thought after he returned home, toeing off his shoes and brewing in his lab for hours. There were certain potions he wanted to have on hand when he went into labor: pain reliever, blood replenisher, a nutrient potion, a numbing salve. He didn't expect to need them all, but he wanted them available just in case.

As for after he gave birth, he still didn't know. What would be best for Harry? Why couldn't he face this head on? Why was he always full of excuses? Why hadn't he solved this already? He was carrying Lily's son. It was a responsibility he took seriously. Finding a good home for him was just as important, if not more so. He deserved to have a loving family he'd be safe with. Severus had promised he would find him and Hedwig new homes.

He'd always known he wouldn't hand Harry over to just anyone. That hadn't changed. Yet had he even started vetting couples or gotten to know anyone in town? Not in the slightest. It could be his long-held aversion to socializing, reluctant to mingle with the masses. He still hated the idea of going into town. But this wasn't about him. This was about Harry's needs. Surely he could have dealt with it for Harry's sake? Why was he always letting people down?

When the potions were finished, he took the vials to his room and set them on the bedside dresser. Next to Harry's glasses. He found himself picking them up for a closer examination. They looked worn and neglected, like their owner. There were a couple of chips in the frames, a weak hinge on one side. Even if Harry needed glasses again as he grew up, he wouldn't need these old things. Severus should have transfigured these a long time ago, but again he hadn't bothered, choosing by his inaction to keep them as a reminder of the boy who had wanted to die. When had Severus gotten so sentimental instead of practical? What in Merlin's name was happening to him?

He set the glasses down. Pregnancy must do strange things to the mind as well as the body.

Hedwig joined him that evening after dinner as he sat on the bench outside, watching the sunset. He automatically stroked his belly as he felt Harry bumping around, wincing occasionally from a foot or elbow jabbing him.

"You're getting too big to be in there, aren't you. You'll have to come out soon."

Harry kicked vigorously, making him flinch, but there was an upturn to his lips as he kept stroking. He was definitely having a hearty baby. If Harry was this spirited in the womb, he should be quite the handful after he was born. How long had the boy's spirits been broken? What would he have been like if he hadn't been used, abused and abandoned?

Eventually Harry quieted down, and Severus sat back, cradling his belly in his arms. Hedwig had been observing the whole time, but now she inched closer and rubbed her head on his belly.

"Don't encourage him, I just got him settled down."

Too late. Harry shifted, then punched in Hedwig's direction. She made low, pleased noises and kept rubbing, and Harry kept reacting. Severus sighed.

"Partners in crime already. Merlin have mercy."

But he didn't prevent the owl and baby from playing together while he watched the sun go down, until it disappeared beneath the horizon. He was grateful that he had learned to slow down sometimes - like to watch the sunset, a common way for him to enjoy an evening when the weather was nice. Getting pregnant had also contributed to his slowing down, he knew. After Harry was born, that would change. Until he gave him away, returning to an empty house. Even Hedwig would be gone, as she was making it clear her place was with Harry and would go with him wherever he went.

Severus didn't like thinking about it, how things would go back to the way they were before, as though none of this had happened. He wasn't ready.

He didn't realize right away that it had grown dark. Pushing against the bench, he managed to haul himself to his feet.

"Have a good hunt. I'm turning in."

Hedwig hooted and flew away, and he went inside.

In bed, Severus rearranged and readjusted his pillows a hundred times before they were satisfactory, and he still wasn't completely comfortable. These days, he had to aim for 'good enough.' No amount of pillows in the world would make his heartburn go away, or ease the weight of his belly or the aches in his back and joints. He took a small swig of a potion to calm his heartburn; it didn't erase it entirely but it made it much milder and easier to deal with, and he couldn't take a heavier dose.

Harry began bumping around again with renewed energy. Severus sighed and stroked his belly, knowing it wouldn't calm the restless baby down.

"What am I going to do with you?" he asked his large bump under his nightshirt. Harry kicked, and he gently rubbed the spot. He had gotten quite used to feeling Harry jostling around inside him, carrying him around all day, talking to him all the time. Even with all the discomforts and inconveniences, he couldn't find it in him to regret his hasty decision to carry the boy. He might revisit that after giving birth, but for now he was... not unhappy. Watching Harry grow and feeling him move had given him plenty of satisfaction.

But what about afterwards? Where should the boy go? Could Severus live with the fact that he wouldn't see him again? Was that where the problem lay? He might have to insist that he got visitation rights, even though it meant venturing into town on a regular basis. It would be worth it to ensure the boy was being cared for properly, after blowing him off the first time. He could claim he was an uncle or some such relative who couldn't raise him himself. Why, might they ask?

Why indeed.

Severus didn't know anything about raising children. He'd been an awkward, abused child himself who didn't have any personal experience with what a nurturing, supportive family was like. He'd hoped to learn by having children with a loving wife who would help him, but that was no longer on the table. This was the closest he would ever get to having a child and any kind of family. Not that this was enough to qualify him for parenthood.

Was it?

He was finally having Lily's child. A part of her growing inside him. Could he really open his arms and let him go, give away the only piece of Lily he had? If he didn't trust himself with the child, could he trust anyone else?

Severus was selfish, he knew he was. He'd pushed aside what anyone else needed and followed his own desires, then run off to wallow in his misery after his own actions blew up in his face. An ex-Death Eater who only thought of himself and made everything worse wouldn't be anyone's first choice for a father. Maybe he'd never had a real chance of having a family in the first place. Who would have wanted him?

But he'd wanted to learn better. He still did. As much as he'd told himself all these years that it didn't matter anymore, spring was always a bittersweet time as everything around him brought forth life and raised their young, and he remained alone. He deserved it, he knew. He hadn't done anything to deserve a family of his own. Wishing that things were different was only a waste of time. He had wanted a kind wife to share life with and parent alongside with, but he didn't deserve that either. So it followed that he didn't deserve to have a baby of his own. Even when he had unexpectedly been given one, after he'd given up hope.

He shut his wet eyes, holding his belly as Harry continued to squirm. If anything, he felt more confused than ever.

But he was running out of time.