Chapter 17: A Small Confrontation
I got a funny review on AO3, and I posted it as an Omake at the end of the chapter. I thought about using it but decided to go with my muse instead. Still, it was funny, so I thought you'd like it too.
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"We were visiting the Hogwarts petting zoo," Deadpool said, smiling a cheeky smile, that no one saw, but they heard it. He had a way of expressing his mood via his tone more so than others. It was kinda mandatory with his mask.
"There is no petting zoo," Snape snarled, hating being lied too. "Arrogant as always, Potter." He glared at the boy he hated. It was all his fault; Snape was sure of it. The boy was just like his father.
Harry looked at him funny, like he had no idea what the man was talking about. "Wha…" he started only to be interrupted by Wade.
"Sure there is, it has a snake, cat and a dog," the costumed man said, rocking back and forth on his feet.
"Don't forget the spiders and horses," Harry pointed out, leaning around Deadpool to glare at the hated teacher. "And the centaurs, but they don't let you pet them," he added, this time smiling cheekily.
"Right, can't forget them. Hey, how many different types of horses to you magicals have?" Wade asked, looking at the man in front of him with open curiosity. "I really want to know. I've seen two so far. And I know you have unicorns, but are they really horses?" he asked, really wanting to know, like he said. The normal people only had one kind, but magicals seemed to have all the ones mentioned in mythology. He would kill to see or pet a Pegasus.
"Do your own research," Snape snapped, standing firm in defiance of the children. "And quit lying to me," the professor snarled, getting upset rather quickly. "There is no petting zoo!" he all but shouted, losing his cool.
"I can honestly say that I have laid my hands on a snake, dog and cat just this evening," Deadpool said, still rocking like he didn't have a care in the world. "Spiders last night, and I saw centaurs and a winged horse yesterday," he stated with a sage nod.
"Me, too," both Luna and Harry said with huge smiles.
"Though I was only there for today's zoo," Luna stated, swaying back and forth to a tune of her own. She wasn't worried about the hated professor. Deadpool would keep him in line. It was up to her and Harry to keep Deadpool in line.
"What were you doing near Fluffy?" Snape asked, thinking they must still be lying. There was no way that mongrel would let children near him without consequences. They could not have petted the beast. He couldn't even get near the animal without being bit at.
"Playing," Wade honestly answered, stopping his rocking, knowing that things were about to get violent.
"I will give you one more time to stop this lying and return to the common room," Snape said, trying to grab Deadpool's arm. He missed, and was about to grab again, but the boy was squirrelly.
"Hands off," Wade said, moving to evade the man's grasp. "Touch me again, and I'll get violent," he threatened, his hands on his swords, which appeared on his back from… somewhere.
"Come along. Now. That'll be ten points from Slytherin, each," the professor said as he failed to get ahold of the chibi man. The other two were just standing there, watching.
"I could care less about your point system, though I must point out that I am not a student," Deadpool said, still moving from the man's grabbing hands. He pulled one of his katanas and put it to Snape's throat. "Leave," he said, his voice cold. It wasn't often that he let his anger get control, but this guy just rubbed him the wrong way.
"Now, now, Wade, I haven't seen the library yet," Luna said, putting her hand on his arm.
"Fine, I'll only maim him," Deadpool said, stabbing the man's arm instead. "Leave us alone, because once Luna sees the library, all bets are off," he stated, wiping the blood off on the man's robes.
"I'll see you expelled for this, Potter," Snape said, holding his wound with his good hand. He was in pain, but the Dark Lord gave out much worse punishment. This was but a scratch.
"Me? What did I do?" Harry said, stepping up in the man's space. "If you want a reason to expel me, I will be more than happy to give you one. Note, that I've gone up against a Acromantula and survived. I don't think you will be so lucky," he added with a sneer. He didn't know what the man's problem was, but it was pissing him off.
"Why do you have such a hardon for Harry?" Deadpool asked in the most tactless way he could. he too was angry that Snape kept picking on Harry like the boy was at fault for everything wrong in his life. Since Harry had only been here two days, that was not likely.
"None of your concern," the man sneered, still holding his bleeding arm. "My grievances are mine alone," he added, still not wanting to show how petty he was.
"You're one tough motherfucker," Deadpool said, as he watched the man ignore his injury. Only a few people he knew could do that. Mostly enhanced individuals, like the X-men. This guy was just a regular joe, sure he was magical, but in Deadpool's opinion that should make him weaker physically, like those idiots in the dorm. "One day you and I are going to dance, we'll see just how tough you are," he promised, knowing it was true. This guy will not let up until he is soundly defeated, or dead. Either worked for Deadpool. Damn Luna and her thirst for knowledge.
"It is my concern though," Harry said, still in the man's face. "Why do you have a hate on for me? What could I possibly have done in two days to make you hate me so?"
"No, it is not your concern," was the denial. He would never admit that he hated the boy for no reason other than who he was born to. He was petty like that. "I will keep my own counsel," he added with a sneer.
"Then leave me the fuck alone," Harry said, turning away and starting down the hall. "I don't even want you to look in my direction unless you are teaching me, you petty son-of-a-bitch," he added without turning. He was so done with this man.
"You hold no control over us," Wade said, patting the professor's injured arm and making the man flinch. "Quit trying. We've already taken care of two dangers to this school, don't make yourself the third."
"I'll see you expelled," the man threatened again.
"You can kick me out all you want. I'll just come right back in. You can't kill me. You can't hurt me. Whatever do you think you could threaten me with?" Wade said, and with that he followed Harry.
"I'll find something," Snape yelled after them. "You will not get away with harming me," he added, then swooped away towards the hospital wing. He would tell Dumbledore and get those menaces out of the school before the end of the week.
"Where are we going?" Luna asked, not sure if she was up for more adventures tonight. She was unconcerned about what happened with Snape. The worst he could do is get them kicked out, but she knew the headmaster wouldn't do that. Not to Harry at any rate. Deadpool wasn't a student, and she'd just return next year.
"We're going to take you back to the dorm, then we have a meeting in the forest," Deadpool explained, taking her hand, and leaving the Potions Master to go get his wound tended. He would make good on his promise if that man didn't back off.
"Oh, goodie, I need some sleep," she said as she skipped along. She liked skipping and was glad Wade did too. There weren't many people who would indulge her in her favorite way to travel.
They safely put Luna in the common room and made their way to the forest. It went the same as the night before, only this time with copious use of a gun and swords as Deadpool taught Harry to use both.
They also had an audience of the centaurs and one potions professor. The man skulked in the shadows and didn't deem to offer help. He seemed to be testing just how strong they were. They only hoped he was impressed enough to leave them alone. Or maybe he thought they'd die and not be a problem anymore.
After killing over fifty of the spiders, they went to bed before midnight and were both up bright and early. They needed little sleep thanks to their augmentations. Deadpool hardly slept as it was, though he did get a kick out of ousting Draco from his bed, and Harry's new body needed less than a normal human.
Harry and Luna went to classes, while Deadpool left the school and made his way to Gringotts via the Knight Bus. He was just glad he didn't need a wand to call it. "Thanks, Fairywm," he said to the author, who decided to make everything as simple as she could.
He meandered into Diagon Alley and went to the bank.
"You are not welcome here," the goblin guard stated, threatening Deadpool with his halberd.
"You just don't want me to kick your ass again," Wade said in a jovial manner.
"You got lucky," the guard grumbled, but he lowered his weapon.
"I have such a deal for you guys today," the still cheerful costumed man said, sashaying into the bank, ignoring the guard's grumpy disposition. He went up to the shortest line and waited patiently, for him, for his turn. He still plucked the hair from the people around him, but he didn't sniff it. He already knew this was a crack fic.
"Next," came the voice of the teller.
"I want to see the boss man," Wade said, still examining the hair he pulled from a redheaded witch. It was a bright red, not orangish like most redheads. It was a nice color.
"Why?" was the question, though it was spoke in a wary tone.
"I have a deal for him. This time it will be beneficial for both of us," Deadpool said, tucking the hair away… somewhere.
"I'll see if he's available," the teller said, putting a closed sign on his counter and moving off. He hurried through the doors, and Deadpool just followed along. He was not patient enough to wait any longer.
"I see you are just as rude as always," Ragnuk said, glaring at the chibi man. "What do you want this time?" he asked, knowing it was futile to remove the man.
"I have about two hundred pounds of basilisk meat to sell," Deadpool said, taking out the package Tilly had made for him. "I need some of the venom and a few teeth, but the rest is for sale," he added, putting the package on the floor, and waving to it.
Ragnuk nodded to the teller, who tapped the package and expanded it. In it was a large amount of fresh meat. The goblins' mouths watered.
"How much?" the king asked, his eyes not leaving the meat.
"Oh, about ten million galleons," Deadpool said, starting at a high point. He knew how much the goblins liked to barter.
"Done," came the immediate answer. There would be no quibbling on this. Deadpool could have asked twice as much, and they would have agreed.
"Well, shit, that was too easy," the costumed man grumbled, kicking his foot at a rock on the floor.
"Give him his money, the teeth and venom, and see him out," Ragnuk said, waving to the teller, who's eyes were also fixed on the delicacy in front of him.
"Yes, sire," the teller said, grabbing the items and hustling Deadpool out of the room. He handed him a bag full of gold, the teeth and venom, and shuffled him out of the bank.
"Well, fuck, now what?" the chibi man said, then he had a wicked thought and tucked the gold and things… somewhere and skipped off into the noon day sun.
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Harry and Luna were finished for the day, and they were starting to worry about Deadpool. They hadn't seen him since that morning and were concerned as to what trouble he was getting into.
"Do you think the goblins gave him trouble?" Luna asked, sitting at the Slytherin table eating her dinner of pork roast and potatoes.
"No, he can beat them hands down. He's up to something else," Harry said, taking a bite of his hamburger. Tilly and the other elves really came through on his favorite foods. There was hamburgers and chips and assorted fruits that he never had at the Dursleys, but Deadpool had introduced him to when he came into his life.
"You mean to say that that costumed freak can beat a goblin?" was the question from one Draco Malfoy.
"I hate that word," Harry said, taking a vicious bite of his burger. "Don't say it again, or I'll punch your lights out," he threatened after he swallowed, narrowing his eyes on the blond boy.
"Sorry," said boy mumbled, sinking in his seat.
Just then Deadpool walked in with a large black dog.
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Omake from Randomplotbunny on AO3
Snape: Why are you here?
DP: To bribe you.
Snape: *resting bitch face* What?
DP: *pulls out a few jars revealing more basilisk parts than any one potions master has seen in centuries*
Snape's inner monolog: I'm not going to swoon. I'm not going to swoon. I'm not going to swoon. So pretty.
Also Snape: *pockets the parts* Just don't do it again. *walks off while trying not to skip*
Harry: It was that easy? *highly disturbed seeing Snape looking giddy*
Luna: You just have to know the right language to speak.
DP: Yes, the language of bribery is a difficulty one to master but very versatile once you know it. *nods sagely*
Harry: ...
