Not a people person
Harry got back to Hogwarts, to Madam Pomfrey's office by floo from St Mungos, and Madam Pomfrey checked him for injuries, then pointed to the front doors of the infirmary "You're fine Potter, you can leave."
Harry got back to the common room after curfew, and went directly to bed, and collapsed face-first on the bed.
"No stamina" said Blaise tiredly.
Harry ignored that and let the soft bed eat his consciousness. Unlike an inferii.
Harry woke in the throes of a nightmare about inferii. He went to the bathroom, washed his face and eyed his reflection. He looked red-eyed and bleary, like he'd just woken from a nightmare. Harry used more cold water.
The next morning, Harry was eating breakfast, almost entertained by Blaise sarcastically reading quidditch results from the Prophet, when down-table a bit, someone got an owl. That wasn't remarkable.
The butter-knife that nearly hit his head a minute later was. Harry looked in the general direction it had come from, and Greengrass was trying to pry a knife from Davis. Who wasn't even looking at Harry. Harry wondered what was going on. Greengrass had an open letter on top of her breakfast plate.
"Theo?" asked Harry casually "Did Greengrass the elder just throw a knife at me?"
"Or she was aiming at me and is an incredibly lousy shot" said Theodore politely.
"That will be all Nott" said Harry. Harry lifted a hand and waved in Greengrass's direction.
"Don't taunt her, she'll put you in the infirmary" said Blaise casually. "What has got the elder so exercised?"
Greengrass made some sort of an agreement with Davis, who was allowed to keep her knife, and Greengrass stood up and walked over to Harry, holding the letter.
"Potter, you're a disgusting creepy throwback" she said. But didn't hex him. Harry was surprised – not at being disliked, but at the combination of words.
Harry slipped his wand out and cast a shield, just in case she had another knife, or drew her wand. "What have I done now?" asked Harry only mostly sarcastically. Not more than ninety percent by volume.
"Not here" she said, and … strode off.
"Is this wise?" asked Blaise.
"I've got a shield" said Harry. Harry followed the view of Greengrass's retreating form. Which had good points. Harry got to his feet very carefully, and started moving.
He caught up with her in the room the first years get stowed in before sorting, just off the front hall.
She seemed almost incensed.
"Your bloody Steward, the Blacks' Steward sent Daddy a letter, blaming me for your terrible personality." said Greengrass.
"You have hexed me a lot" said Harry mildly – and Greengrass's nostrils flared with irritated huffing. Harry's attention drifted briefly to her robe-front, all that breathing was moving it.
"And your family's lawyers are making Daddy very uncomfortable" said Greengrass "I'm not looking after you, you're a … a…. "
"Greengrass, the idea of you looking after me fills me with utter dread" said Harry candidly.
"Well I certainly wouldn't marry you!" said Greengrass – and Harry suddenly imagined Greengrass in a white dress, with a veil on, looking bride-ish and demure, then winking; and for some reason his bits tingled. They were probably damaged by all that hexing, thought Harry. He tried to think of anything else, except the agitated witch looking at him.
"I don't see you as the marrying type" said Harry. "And I certainly didn't put them up to it. I mean I'd rather marry anyone else. Well, not a bloke, obviously." That should calm her down, thought Harry. I could de-escalate this. At this range, I'll have one chance to get a shield up if she goes for her wand.
Greengrass crossed her arms over her chest "So you knew your lawyers were going to contact my father?" she asked crossly. The de-escalation was working, thought Harry. He'd have plenty of time to get a shield up now that her arms were crossed.
Harry then had a growing vague recollection that the healer had said something about lawyers during that humiliating trip to St Mungo's.
"My um Steward was a bit agitated about be being witch-phobic" admitted Harry, "There's the Black family entail, and I have to marry a witch to get access to it."
"So you'd marry a witch just to get access to your adopted families wealth, even though you fear us" said Greengrass.
Harry was tempted to remark that once you shielded, Greengrass wasn't very scary at all. But he didn't. That might provoke her, and while he was fairly sure he was faster, why take the risk.
"I'm not ending up working as your – your – maid!" said Greengrass. Harry nodded. He certainly couldn't imagine wanting Greengrass as a maid. That'd imply having her in his house, and that was a risk.
"People would think you were just using me" she added, and Harry's bits did more than tingle. 'Oh… that kind of maid' thought Harry. His imagination, fuelled by the magazine he'd seen at St Mungo's did a sort of imaginary doll thing with Greengrass, putting her in a 'maids' outfit.
Greengrass must have seen some flicker of expression in his face, as she inhaled deeply, nostrils flaring – and Harry was only human, and risked a quick look at her robe-front. Not as impressive as the Seventh year girls, but… she might grow.
"You… pervert!" snapped Greengrass.
"I'm not a pervert. You keep going on about marrying, being a maid … being just used. I've got an imagination. And you've winked at me before." said Harry, drawing his wand as he talked. Easy slow movements, no risk of startling her into going for a hex. His wand out, he was sure he could shield against her hexes now.
"Once. I've winked at you once!" protested Greengrass. "Against my better judgement."
Harry almost remarked about her lack of better judgement at all. Instead he asked "So, why did you do that, I think I'm confused?" rather slowly, while wordlessly casting a shield, then he genuinely relaxed; she couldn't hex him now. The next thing to do was to move around to face the door, so his shield would protect him from Greengrass, and anyone else.
"Are you going to admit you've been desperately in love with me for years?" asked Daphne Greengrass.
Harry resisted rolling his eyes for seconds. Seconds dammit. He rolled his eyes. "No" said Harry.
Daphne Greengrass frowned "But… you've teased me, submitted yourself to hundreds of attacks, winked at me, your family's Steward contracted my father, and you ogled my bottom!" she said.
Harry wondered what the hell pureblood families fed their children. Just inbreeding, he supposed.
Harry tried a simple explanation "Greengrass, let me make this extremely simple. I do not fancy you. Just because a bloke looks at a good looking witch's arse, or checks out her boobs, doesn't mean they're in love with her. You've literally put me in hospital more times than I can remember. I'd need to be some sort of masochist to want you."
"You mean you're not?" asked Greengrass, frowning.
Harry was sorely tempted to drop the shield and hex her.
"Why would I possibly want my bollocks hexed ?" asked Harry indignantly.
"I thought… you liked it" said Greengrass, biting her lower lip. "You kept giving me so many reasons to do it. Nobody could naturally be that clueless."
Harry snapped, dropped his shield, and stunned Greengrass. "Like you" he muttered, and went back to breakfast.
"Where's Greengrass?" asked Blaise as Harry sat down.
"Unconscious in the little room off the front hall" said Harry disinterestedly, wondering about some toast and marmalade.
People moved out of the corner of Harry's eye, and suddenly, three of Daphne's room-mates were standing, holding wands pointed at Harry. He looked up at Davis.
"She had a therapeutic little rant, I had my say, and to protect myself I stunned her rather than be hexed in the back as I left." said Harry "Shoo" he said.
"We can hex you!" said Davis. Harry blinked slowly, and drew his wand under the table "You'll go check on your friend first. We all share a common room, you can come and demonstrate your urge to mindlessly hexing people" He added, and cast a silent shield. He leaned back casually.
We're watching you" said Davis, and she and two friends left.
"Now that's just sexist" said Harry "It's perving if a boy said that."
"Well I certainly wouldn't perve you!" said Pansy.
"Thank goodness for that" said Harry sotto voce. "Poor Draco would be spinning in his… well no grave."
Theo Nott gave Harry a filthy look at that.
As Harry waited for Arithmancy to start, Blaise Zabini cast a privacy charm and said "Potter. Don't joke about Malfoy. He was a friend to Pansy and Theo. People have friends. Well, not you obviously."
Harry considered drawing his wand and decided not to. "Zabini, I had friends. They were murdered, or fled Hogwarts after nearly dying from bullying."
"Phht." Zabini exhaled "Gryffindors. And ages ago."
"Malfoy died in ninety-two" said Harry "Also ages ago; same difference."
"How are you …." said Zabini and he stopped. "Why?"
"We never got on" said Harry "I've killed sixty-foot basilisks, and dark lords. Slytherin house would be so roomy with less people in it." Zabini, oddly stared at Harry at that point.
The Arithmancy lecture was as usual, boring yet useful. Harry took careful notes.
-==0==-
That evening, after dinner, Harry made it back to the Slytherin common room, to be intercepted on the way to his dorm room by Greengrass the elder. With her wand drawn.
"You stunned me" she said. Harry, long in the habit of casting a shield charm before opening the common room secret door merely nodded. "You might have tried to hex me in the back." He said, his wand in his hand, the shield invisibly extending in front of him.
"You arsehole, you left me stunned in a public place. Some little creep might have groped me." said Greengrass. Harry shrugged.
Her eyes narrowed "Did you grope me while I was unconscious?" she asked. Harry wondered where she got her ideas.
"Greengrass, I know you find this hard to imagine, but I'm not interested." said Harry. Looking at a girl's arse doesn't count, rationalised Harry. Now all he had to do was keep her in front of his wand. As long as he kept his wand between Greengrass and himself he'd be fine.
Unfortunately, Davis and Parkinson arrived and surrounded Harry.
Harry was herded at wand-point into the girls dorms, and Perks fled.
Harry's shield was still up, but there were three witches and they were equidistant; Greengrass in front of him.
"You shit" said Greengrass.
Harry dropped is shield, cast a wordless fumos and fell to the floor. Witches fired spells, then silence reigned.
Harry crawled over behind a bed and stopped the smoke spell, and cast ventus to blow it away.
Three witches lay stunned on the floor. Harry got to his feet 'I did not think that would work' He thought to himself, and full-body-bound all three of them, then levitated them onto beds,
Harry sat on a bed, heart pounding and thought about his close brush with … another trip to Madam Pomfrey, if he was lucky. He really needed some way to protect himself. He had the strangest feeling he'd known how, and had forgotten somehow. There had to be some way….
A memory charm, thought Harry. That would do it. Memory charm Greengrass, and her chums to not come seeking retribution.
He dashed to the door, closed it and cast a fairly obscure locking charm. He stood, his back to the door thinking, and panicking a little bit. The thought of possibly dying had strange fragments of thoughts running around his head. Harry took several deep, calming breaths, and went to look at the three witches. For some reason his stomach roiled.
He eyed Greengrass, oddly peaceful in her unconsciousness. Her hair was a bit messed up, and Harry straightened it. She looked almost asleep, arms stiffly at her sides. Harry dispelled the full body bind and she collapsed into the mattress, looking like she was asleep. Her lips parted a little, and – Harry blinked and shook his head. Focus. What was the problem?
In general, Greengrass going after him again. Just because he'd stunned her and left her in the halls. Obviously, she was going to hex him when she regained consciousness.
No possibility of memory charming that away, she'd told Davis, Parkinson, and likely others.
Harry tried to think. Time was short. He had three witches stunned – he re-stunned the other two, and un-body-bound them. Parkinson snored softly.
The seventh years and Perks had seen him led in at wand-point. Harry desperately wished he was better at… His mind spun back to St Grogory's. To the stories he used to make up with Alastair the spider in his cupboard. Why would Greengrass the elder drag him off at wand point. And in their dorm…
A vaguely remembered fairytale came to mind. Well, the end of one. The always ended in the princess and the prince marrying, in happily ever after. Harry eyed Greengrass, and shivered.
What if Greengrass had brought Harry here not to perform grievous bodily harm… but to do something else. Parkinson's snoring stopped, Harry looked over in alarm, then she started up again, with a loud inhalation. Harry looked back at Greengrass, who was lying… peacefully. When she wasn't trying to assault him, thought Harry she was quite pretty. He shuddered, the deeply visceral memory of several testicular hexings ruining any silly idea he might have had.
If only he could flee Hogwarts. But he couldn't. Professor Dumbledore was going to keep him here; the whole Voldemort horcrux thing kept him here.
Still… getting married or not was up to him. Greengrass was proper angry at the idea of marrying him; but Harry would rather have the psycho as a housekeeper. She found the idea of being housekeeper demeaning. Which, thought Harry ,was fair enough, he could try to make it a bit demeaning. His bits adjusted themselves and he had to adjust his pants. He tried to clear his bloody mind. Now was not the time to have stupid fantasies about Greengrass, of all people. He looked at her sleeping face – peaceful, if a bit long. She had… interestingly pink lips, thought Harry. Not that he was going to kiss or grope an unconscious Greengrass. Nope. Well, one quick peck on the lips.
Strawberry lip-gloss. Harry licked his lips. She used strawberry lib-gloss, and her hair smelt faintly of flowers. Stuff it, Greengrass was getting memory charmed to remember introducing Harry to Davis and Parkinson because his steward, bless Lupins wolfy nose, was making the Greengrasses pay for … well for Daphne hexing his bollocks repeatedly. It was only fair, thought Harry, as he memory charmed her , that she remember a polite conversation… with Harry insisting she'd by his housekeeper, and she insisting he'd marry her; more respectful and she'd get access to Harry's money. Harry memory charmed Davis and Parkinson to remember the same things, and when coufounded all three to not recall exactly how Harry had left; just that they'd giggled and flopped on beds to chat. Girls did that, Harry supposed.
Harry eyed the door of the dorm room, and sighed He was heartily sick of Hogwarts, of Greengrass, of being injured. Compared to that, bloody Voldemort was only annoying a few times a year, and Harry had him pretty much defeated. Harry straightened his robes, checked his hair, and mentally prepared a set of lies to hold in mind if asked what he'd done on the way to his dorm room.
No point waiting, time to go, thought harry, and he cast reenervate at the three sleeping witches.
Harry quickly dispelled the lock on their dorm room, and walked down the short hallway and back into the common room. The seventh year girls looked up, and Harry very casually walked to the door to the boys dorms, and got out of spell range.
Nobody hexed him; there was only one person who could betray him for his use of memory charms now, and that was Harry. As he entered his dorm room, an idea bubbled up into his head. Charm some parchment to record voice, obliviate himself of his use of memory charms, and give himself false memories that aligned with the load of hippogriff shit he'd ladled into Greengrass, Davis and Parkinsons's brains. Harry was amazed at how brilliant he was sometimes.
He opened his trunk and started unpacking his bookbag from the days classed. He idly took out parchment and quill and ink; the germ of how to do a sound recording parchment was right there in his head.
Harry repacked his bookbag, and went off to a disused second level dungeon room, locked himself in and started writing. The runes practically wrote themselves.
'You didn't memory charm Davis, Parkinson and Greengrass today. They didn't try to hex you, Greengrass was just taking you for a quiet talk with her girlfriends, to get to meet you, as you are probably going to be having Greengrass as a maid; family agreement as repayment for making Harry witch-phobic. Greengrass rolled her eyes and said 'oh. Girls he's going to marry me instead, just you wait and see. You laughed and said 'hardly.' Greengrass smirked at that.'
Harry thought of a clever addition, to write a post-charm suggestion in incinerate the probably incriminating parchment after he was memory charmed. Harry laughed; He was clearly a natural at charms and runes. He was going to do so well in the end of year exams.
Harry blinked. He was sitting at a table in the dungeons, looking at parchment covered in runes, at the bottom was written 'Hey Harry, It's me. Harry. Incinerate this parchment immediately.'
Harry incinerated the parchment and went headed towards his dorm room; he needed to do a transfiguration assignment, and McGonagall marked him really hard.
On the way through the common room, Greengrass called out "Hey Potter, weakened yet?" in an amused tone.
"Not on your life" laughed Harry.
"You keep telling yourself that" said Greengrass.
That night, as Harry scribbled more essay for McGonagall, Blaise asked "Harry, how the hell did you get Greengrass onside? She's practically friendly."
"My steward's got her family over a barrel, and Daphne's probably going to have to be my housekeeper." said Harry. "She's got some optimistic idea I'll marry her."
"Course you wouldn't" said Zabini. "You've said before she's a psycho."
"Hex happy" said Harry mildly, and went back to trying to describe the seven principal wand motions for transfiguring a pair of rabbits into a pair of slippers.
The next day, as Harry brushed his teeth before breakfast Nott, of all people asked Harry a question.
"Potter?" asked Nott, "Why are you and Greengrass not fighting?"
"She's in a bind" said Harry "My steward's got proof she's nearly made me unable to get the Black family entail. Best case for her, she's a housekeeper for me."
"She was flirting" said Nott, sounding odd. Harry ignored that and simply said "She's angling to be married instead; she'd get loads of money instead of a modest little salary."
"She threw a knife at you yesterday." said Nott.
"Yes, the letter from her parents was a surprise" said Harry "She's not good with surprises."
"She's a psycho" said Nott "Not in your league, but… not nice."
"Like I said, housekeeper. I don't see her having trouble getting rid of doxies." said Harry cheerily.
Nott looked at Harry very nervously and fled.