Chapter Eleven
Guilt

WEEK 9-PART ONE
AUGUST 1ST, 2001

2000 EST
APARTMENT OF HARMON RABB
WASHINGTON D.C

Mac noticed the box the second or third time she spent the night at Harm's apartment. However, it wasn't until the sixth or seventh time she spent the night at Harm's that she got around to asking him about it.

"Harm, what's in the box?" she asked him. She was sitting on the edge of his bed, painting her toes.

They spent most of their time at Mac's place, but occasionally Mac got sick of hosting and they spent the night at Harm's. Now they were at the point where they practically lived together, just in two different apartments. Nail polish was one of multiple items belonging to Mac that made it's new home at Harm's loft.

Harm was in the bathroom, brushing his teeth. "What box?" he asked, his voice muffled by toothpaste.

"Oh, I don't know, the one in the corner labeled 'Renee's things' in black sharpie?" she said, examining her now purple-colored toenails.

Harm suddenly popped out of the bathroom. "Oh," he said, looking sheepish. "That box."

"Yep," Mac gave him a look over her shoulder. "That box."

Harm walked out of the bathroom, laughing nervously. "Umm...well, Renee left so abruptly when her dad died that she left some of her stuff...Thus the box is called 'Renee's box'."

"I see," Mac nodded slowly. "Do you have any idea when she might be coming to pick it up?"

"Nope," Harm replied quickly. "Hey Mac, uh, could we not talk about this?"

Mac sighed. "Harm, I'm of the belief that, being the mother of your unborn child and your girlfriend, I have a right to know when your ex is coming to pick up her things from your apartment," she looked up at him. "Wouldn't you agree?"

"When you put it that way it sounds a lot worse than it actually is."

Mac smirked as Harm sat behind her, placing a hand on each of Mac's shoulders. He gently began to massage, and Mac sighed in contentment.

"You're trying to distract me," she murmured, closing her eyes.

Harm chuckled. "I'm just giving you a massage," he looked down and noticed the fresh coat of paint on Mac's toes. "I didn't know purple was a color you liked."

Mac opened her eyes. "It's not 'purple'. It's amethyst."

"Amethyst?" Harm asked, wrinkling his nose, which made Mac laugh.

"Yeah, amethyst. It's the birthstone color for February."

"The February birthstone? You're due in March."

"Early March," Mac clarified, leaning back against Harm's chest. He placed both of his hands on Mac's stomach. "If this baby's anything like me, it'll be early," she said.

"And if it's anything like me?"

"Then it'll be overdue."

THE NEXT DAY

0900 EST
JAG HEADQUARTERS
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA

Harm looked up when he heard scuffling in the bullpen right outside his door. He looked up to see Tiner and Gunny both standing in his doorway. They both looked...odd.

"Gunny, Tiner," Harm nodded. "What's up?"

"Well the thing is, sir-" Tiner started.

"Personally I don't think it's that big of a deal," Gunny interrupted.

Tiner raised his brows. "Are you serious, Gunny?"

Gunny shrugged. "It's not the end of the world, Tiner."

Harm sighed. "What is it?" he asked, trying to ignore the headache he was already getting. He was up to his elbows in paperwork and had a trial later that day that he'd barely started to prepare for, not to mention he kept thinking of that box Renee had to come pick up. Whatever Tiner and Gunny had to tell him, he hoped they told him quickly.

"She's here, sir," they answered in unison.

"Who's here?" Harm's brow furrowed. "Mac?"

Gunny and Tiner shook their heads, too afraid to say who was actually there to see him.

Harm frowned. "Is it my mother?"

They both shook their heads again.

"Don't tell me it's-"

Before Harm could finish, he heard the clicking of non-military issue heels coming towards his office. Suddenly a blonde head appeared behind Gunny and Tiner. Renee nudged her way in between them, stepping into Harm's office.

"Hi, Harm," she said, dusting off her cheetah-print print.

"Renee's here, sir."

"Yeah, that's what we came to tell you, sir."

THAT SAME TIME

Mac stared down at the medal in her hand. The Meritorious Service Medal for her 'heroic' actions in Aceh back in June. If 'heroic' meant leaving a little girl behind to die, then Mac supposed she'd acted heroically.

Hastily she shut the medal back into its box and sat down in her desk chair. Mac felt sick to her stomach, and this time it wasn't morning sickness. She'd gotten so busy with work and keeping her relationship with Harm and the pregnancy a secret that it'd been easy to push all the events that happened in Indonesia out of her mind. But now, it was all coming back to her in full force.

The Admiral had noticed how strange she was acting and suggested she take the day off, but she declined. Mac needed to keep working, that was the only way she knew how to deal with things. Work. She knew it would be a lot better to talk things out, but she couldn't do that here without bursting into tears. She hadn't let herself cry about since she sobbed in the Harm's arms the night she got home.

Mac found her hand resting on her stomach. She thought of the ultrasound picture that was hanging on her refrigerator. Mac knew she should start an album or book for all the baby stuff, but she hadn't gotten around to it yet. She also thought about the picture Lylyanna had drawn of her in Ache. The picture that Mac had forgotten to take with her on the helo, the picture that Lylyanna had run out to give her before the bomb blew up right up in front of her.

Recalling the events made her even more sick. Sick with guilt, sick with herself. She allowed her hand to linger on her stomach. How could she do that? Leave that little girl? How could she leave her to die like that?

How can I be a good mother after doing that? Mac asked herself, and the thought made her stomach twist.

There was a knock on her door frame.

"Hey, are you okay?"

She looked up, jerking her hand away from her stomach only to see that it was Harm. He was both the first and last person she wanted to see right then.

Mac tried her best to smile. "Yeah, I'm fine."

Harm stepped into her office. He had...pained expression on his face. "You'll never guess who I just talked to."

"Who?" Mac asked, leaning back in her chair. She hoped whatever Harm had to tell her would help dissolve the lump in her throat.

"Renee."

"Renee?" Mac sat up quickly.

Harm laughed lightly, rubbing the back of his neck. "I know, that was pretty much my reaction. But that's not the half of it."

"Oh really?" The lump in Mac's throat wasn't going anywhere. "What's the other half?"

"She's engaged."

"Engaged?"

"Yep. To the mortician."

She knew it sounded "Well that's…"

"Interesting. I know," Harm said. "She's staying until Tuesday to tie up all her loose ends. I-I told her about the box, so she'll probably come to get that sometime."

"Oh, okay," Mac nodded. "Harm, does she...know? About us?" She was wondering if she would have to rush to Harm's loft during her lunch break and pack up all her nail polish.

Harm sighed. "No, it didn't come up so I didn't bring it up."

"Shouldn't she know, Harm? I mean, she told you about her engagement."

"I mean, her getting engaged two months after we break up is different than me getting you pregnant a week before we broke up."

It's not that different. Mac folded her arms across her chest. If she hadn't been so worked up already she would've let the comment slide, but she was that worked up. "Are you saying you're ashamed of getting me pregnant?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

The statement came out a lot harsher than she intended and Harm's eyes widened.

"Mac, I didn't mean it like that-"

"I know, I know," Mac rubbed her eyes. "I'm sorry...I'm just a little stressed out today."

"About what?"

"Can you, um, can you shut the door?"

Harm shut the door. He sat down in the chair across from her. "What's wrong, Sarah?"

He'd started calling her 'Sarah' on occasion in private, usually as a way to get her to open up. And it worked.

"I got this today."

Mac handed Harm the tiny, sleek box, and he opened it. She looked down at her feet, all the guilt welling up inside her once again.

"Mac, this is great!" Harm was smiling until he looked up and saw Mac's expression. His smile dimmed. "It is great, isn't it?"

She shook her head, not knowing how she could speak without crying. Harm reached across the desk, offering his hand for her to take. She didn't indulge him, and slowly he drew his hand back.

"Is this about the girl?"

Mac bit her lip and nodded, tears welling up in her eyes. "Yeah, Lylyanna. It's-it's about her,"

Harm shut the medal back in its box and placed it back on Mac's desk. Suddenly he didn't feel as much of a desire to look at it as he did before. "Look, Mac," he paused. "Why don't you take the rest of the day off? I think it'll do you good."

She wanted to say no so badly. She wanted to put on her brave, Marine front and suck it up. She wanted to be able to shove all the guilt back into the lockbox in her brain and keep it there forever, but it was proving more and more impossible by the second.

"Yeah," Mac nodded slowly. "I think that's a good idea."

1200 EST
APARTMENT OF SARAH MACKENZIE
GEORGETOWN

With Mac being considerably rattled and her nerves completely shot, she did take the Admiral up on his offer and took the rest of the day off. It wasn't until she got back home that she realized how much she truly needed the break. Pregnancy fatigue and work stress had been getting the best of her lately, and the guilt that was resurfacing was the icing on the cake.

Even though a day off was the least she could do in the way of self care, Mac couldn't help but feel bad for taking it. The thought that pregnancy was making her 'lose her edge' had been in the back of her mind for the past few weeks, but she suppressed it until now.

She led 22 people to safety in Ache, and had done her duty as a Marine and a leader. She shouldn't be so...weepy about it. It should've been a source of pride for her. She knew that if she had gone back for Lylyanna her own safety and the safety of the others would've been jeopardized.

Everyone was right, she had been a hero that day, but she didn't feel like it. Not when she thought of Lylyanna.

So, Mac decided not to think about that, at least not for the time being. She'd tell Harm about everything when he got there and hopefully that would make her feel better Until then, she'd just have to bide her time and try to distract herself.

Watching TV worked for a few hours, but Mac soon grew restless. She needed something more substantial to keep her mind from racing.

Mac then commenced to cleaning and organizing the entirety of her apartment. She'd been so busy lately that the apartment had fallen into some extent of disarray, even though 'disarray' by her standards was 'normal' by everyone else's.

However, fatigue got the best of her halfway through her tidying-up efforts and she ended up taking a nap for two hours and thirty six minutes. By the time she woke up, it was a little after 1700. As she walked into her kitchen for a glass of water, she noticed the ultrasound picture and suddenly an idea occurred to her.

A brief call from Harm telling Mac he was working late gave her a few extra hours to kill, so she decided to put her plan into action.

Mac wasn't really fond of shopping, mostly because she rarely had time to do it. But strolling down the aisles of Target in a sweatshirt she'd stolen from Harm and a pair of sweatpants proved to be the best temporary distraction for her emotional turmoil. With nothing specific to buy, she opted for aimlessly wandering around. She wandered into the baby section by accident, not realizing what aisle she was walking down until she was face-to-face with various pastel-colored onesies.

It was then that Mac realized she would actually have to go shopping for her baby at some point. It wasn't something she'd really had time to sit down and think about. Now's as good a time as any, she thought with a shrug.

Due to the fact that she had no clue what to buy, Mac didn't pick out much. As she was about to leave to go check out, a particular item caught her eye. It was a stuffed elephant, with a yellow bow around its neck. Without thinking twice, Mac grabbed it and put it in her basket.

Harm's working late only made Mac more anxious to get everything off her chest, and the thrill of her Target shopping trip wore off not long after she placed the shopping bags in her room. She was too tired to do anything else other than curl up on her sofa in her pajamas and robe, watching the door, waiting for Harm to come home..

Harm did finally come home a little after 2100, and Mac was up and walking towards him in an instant.

"Hey, sorry I'm so late. Are you…" he looked her up and down. "Are you okay?"
"It looks like I should be asking you that, too," Mac observed. "Bad day?"

Harm nodded as he stepped into her apartment. "About as bad as yours," he said, sitting down on the sofa.

Mac sat down beside him. "What happened?"

"Oh, it's just work," Harm said, his smile doing a bad job at hiding his tiredness.

"The cryptography case?"

He nodded. "Yeah, Webb brought me a dossier today that shows Stoechler was the mole."

Mac's frowned, her brow furrowing. "Wasn't he a friend of yours?" she asked and Harm nodded again.

"We, uh, we went to the Academy together," Harm said, looking at her. "You know, it's really cute when you do that."

"Do what?"

"Furrow your brows like that, it's cute."

Mac smiled. "Don't try and deflect."

"I'm not deflecting," Harm said. "I'm just telling you something I like about you."

"That's deflecting," she insisted, snuggling against him. Harm put his arm around her.

"I'm deflecting because I wanna talk about you," Harm looked down at Mac, and she sighed. "You never got around to telling me what's been bothering you."

Mac began to pull away, but Harm still held her close.

"Mac, please talk to me-"

"It's not that I don't want to talk to you, Harm," Mac said, sighing. "I just, I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling because I know it sounds ridiculous-"

"Try me," he said. "

"Have you heard anything from Aceh?"

Mac shook her head. "No, I've called around a couple of times, but, there's nothing."

There was a noticeable quiver in her voice, and Harm wrapped his other arm around her, hugging her to his chest. He kissed the top of her head. Mac's first instinct was to pull away, but she didn't. She was so used to her and Harm not being able to show affection towards that, now they were able to, she didn't quite know how to react.

"Have you tried contacting the police chief there? Maybe he can find something."

"Tarot? No, I'd rather not deal with him again. I don't have any other engagement rings to give him," Mac laughed bitterly, "Unless you have any up your sleeve. Which I hope not, because I'm honest not in the frame of mind to get engaged again right now-"

"Mac?"

"Yeah?"

"You're rambling."

Mac paused. She groaned and buried her head into Harm's shoulder. "What's wrong with me?" she asked, her voice muffled by his shirt.

"What's wrong with you?" Harm looked down at her, surprised. "Mac, you're-"

"Pregnant?" Mac finished, lifting her head from Harm's chest. "I know, and apparently that's making me crazy, and sappy, and unreasonable and-"

"Mac...you do know you did the right thing?" Harm asked slowly. "Right?"

She wiped away some stray tears. "Yeah, I know," she said. "I know I did the right thing, Harm. It's just that...that doesn't make me feel any better, you know? And getting that medal today brought everything back. It felt like I was getting a gold star for killing that girl."

"Mac-"

"I've spent so much time thinking about our baby. But Harm, she was someone's baby too," she looked up at him with wide, watery eyes.

Harm took Mac's hand in his. "You don't know you killed her," he said softly. "Look, why don't call Tarot? It's worth a shot."

"Harm-"

"Look, hear me out. As someone who has some experience looking for a missing person, the only way you're going to feel better is if you know you did everything you could."

Mac stared at him for a moment. "You know, Mic would've just called me crazy."

Harm smirked. "Well that's the reason I'm with you now and Mic went back to Australia," he said, causing Mac to roll her eyes affectionately.

"Do you really think I should try and talk to Tarot?"

"I think it's worth a shot, especially if it'll make you feel better," Harm said. "I could go out and get you an engagement ring if you need more leverage."

Mac laughed. "Yeah, you just want an excuse to propose."

"I never said that."

"Sure."

Harm smiled, pulling her for a quick kiss. "When's Renee coming to get her things?" Mac asked as they broke apart.

He gave a nervous laugh. "You don't let the grass grow under your feet in between

conversation topics, do you?"

Mac shrugged. "I was just curious."

"I don't know. Probably this weekend. She didn't really tell me her itinerary. At least one

day is going to be devoted to shopping, I could tell you that much."

Mac suddenly remembered the Target bag sitting in her bedroom. "Well, speaking of shopping. I went to Target today and bought some stuff," she said.

"Shopping?" both of Harm's eyebrows shot up. "I didn't you were someone who went

shopping."

"I don't go shopping because I never have days off to go shopping."

"What did you get?"

"Well, I actually got a couple of things," Mac explained as she disappeared into her room. "But there's one item in particular that I wanted to show you."

"Should I be concerned?"

"No," Mac said, coming out of her room holding something behind her back. "Close your eyes."

Harm complied, closing his eyes and folding his arms over his chest. "I feel like I should be concerned," he said as Mac walked towards him.

"Open your eyes."

When Harm opened his eyes, he came face-to-face with the glossy, black eyes of an...elephant?. He looked up at Mac, who seemed to be more excited than he ever though she could be over a stuffed animal.

"A stuffed elephant?" Harm asked.

"Uh-huh," Mac answered, handing him the elephant and sitting down beside him.

Harm looked it over. "It's cute," he said. "Is this…"

"For the baby, yeah," Mac nodded. "I had one that looked just like that when I was little, so I figured...why not, you know? Mine had a purple bow instead of a yellow one, that's the only difference."

In fact, Mac's stuffed elephant had been her favorite toy growing up. She had carried it around with her practically everywhere she went, and slept with it every night. When she was seventeen, she'd left in such a hurry that she didn't think to grab it. Mac didn't know what happened to it after that.

Harm looked at her in surprise. For all the years they'd known each other, Mac was still very closed off about her past. Harm never wanted to pry, so when she did share something with him, he treated it like a big deal. And while this tidbit of information wasn't exactly her life story, it was certainly still something.

"You had a stuffed elephant when you were little?" he asked.

"Yeah…" Mac eyed him suspiciously. "What?"

"Oh, nothing," Harm shrugged. "I just like finding out stuff about you, that's all."

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Are you getting sentimental on me, Flyboy?"

"Mac, if it was anyone other than you, I'd be able to help it."

September 1972
Flagstaff, Arizona

Sarah fell asleep on the way home, and Joe carried her inside. That day had been her first day of Kindergarten, and Joe had taken her out for ice cream afterwards to celebrate. He gingerly placed her into her bed so she wouldn't wake up. She didn't. Joe exited her bedroom, only after making sure her stuffed elephant was tucked in beside her, knowing Sarah couldn't sleep without the damn thing no matter how tired she was.

Deanne was sitting in the living room, by the looks of it she was waiting for him.

"Do you see how easy it is?" she asked, her tone bitingly conversational.

Joe sighed. "Dee, don't start."

She stood up from the armchair and walked over to him. "Joe, think about how much happier we would be if you could stay sober."

"Deanne, I said don't start," Joe repeated, turning his back on her as he headed to the kitchen.

"We could be like a normal family-"

"We are a normal family, dammit," he hissed, whipping around to face her.

"Joe-"

Deanne reached out to grab him, but Joe beat her to it, grabbing her by her wrist-her hurt wrist, and jerking her towards him. Their faces were so close together their foreheads were almost touching.

"I said don't start."

"Daddy?"

Both Deanne and Joe looked up to see Sarah standing at the bottom of the staircase. She was in her pink nightgown with her elephant tucked under her arm. She looked at her parents with a wide, innocent expression, having no clue what she walked in on.

Joe instantly let go of Deanne's arm. She drew back, trying to conceal the wince of pain as best she could.

"What, sweetheart?"

"Can you come read me a bedtime story?"

Joe nodded. "Of course, sweetheart."

As Joe walked towards their daughter, Deanne looked away. "You son of a bitch," she muttered under her breath.

August 2001
Georgetown, Virginia

"Mac? Mac."

It was a little after midnight. Harm and Mac had both fallen asleep while watching TV. Harm hated to wake her up, but he knew her bed was more comfortable than the sofa.

"Huh?" Mac jerked awake.

"Do you want to go to bed?" Harm asked.

"Oh," she looked around as if she had to remember where she was. She eventually nodded. "Yeah, let's go to bed."

As he followed her into the bedroom, Harm couldn't help but watch her with some concern. "Are you okay?" he finally asked.

"Yeah. I just had a really weird dream."

Not long after she turned the lights out, Mac remembered something. She got up, heading back into the living room.

"Mac, where are you going?" Harm murmured, already half asleep.

"Nowhere. I just need to go get something."

She knew it had to be in the living room, because that was the last place she had it. Sometime while she was sleeping on the sofa, the stuffed elephant had gotten knocked under the coffee table. Mac picked it up, shaking off some imaginary dust. She took it back into the bedroom, placing it back into the Target bag, where it would be safe and sound until her kid came along to use it.

As she climbed back into bed next to Harm, Mac realized that she was safe and sound too.