Night of the First Full Moon, Rin

His next visit felt so far away. The time in between their visits always dragged on, then like a gust of wind on a hot summer day, it would arrive, bringing with it a deep sense of relief. She had been reliving their last visit in her head every moment since it happened. It still felt like a dream, his formality, his openness, the way he held her - even the fact that he stayed with her the entire night. It was surreal. She was hoping it was the start of a new routine. When the night of the full moon arrived she was anxious to find out.

She hurried into the night, eager to meet with her Lord. She gasped in shock as she nearly collided with him while exiting the treeline into the flower field.

"Oh! Lord Sesshomaru, Forgive me. I wasn't expecting you to be here."

He cocked his head, curious.

"The moon is full tonight."

"Ah, yes - I mean here at the treeline, not here visiting me. You're usually deeper into the field."

"I see." Once again his eyes fell to her painted lips. She swore she heard his breath hitch, but by the time his eyes met hers, he'd regained his composure so thoroughly, she wasn't sure that he'd ever lost it in the first place. She wondered for a moment if she had just imagined it. His voice kept her from thinking about it for too long.

"Rin, at what age do humans marry?"

"Oh, uhm, there's not really a set age and there are variances depending on one's standing - but in the case of women in my village, most have wed by their early twenties."

"And you are only eighteen?"

"Yes. If I were a noble I likely would've been in a political marriage by now, or at least a betrothal."

"So your traditions are not so different from ours." His words were soft, seemingly disappearing into the wind as he spoke them, as if they were never meant to be heard at all but were uttered as a simple reflection to himself. His eyes were cast off towards the moon again.

"I am betrothed, Rin."

Her heart sank. Her eyes felt heavy with tears. She didn't know what to say. She felt his eyes bare into her, trying to assess her thoughts, but he would never be able to - she had none. Her mind had gone completely blank. A desperate, empty panic taking hold of her entire body, originating as a tight grip in her chest. She wanted to curl up and sob. She felt like this pain was stretching on for an eternity, but it had been mere seconds when the emptiness was replaced by self loathing and ridicule. How could she be so foolish? How dare she think herself worthy of someone of Lord Sesshomaru's standing? He was essentially royalty among his kind. She was nothing.

"Rin."

For the first time she couldn't respond to his call.

"Breathe, Rin."

She couldn't.

"Rin!" This time his voice was more urgent, commanding. His taloned finger cradled her chin as he forced her eyes to his. "Breathe. I have been betrothed for nearly as long as I've been alive - over nine centuries. I will not marry her."

Finally, she gulped in a breath of air, her body trembling as it regained itself from the threat of collapse.

"I shouldn't have mentioned it. I wouldn't have if I thought it would have such an impact on you. I thought to say it because you mentioned political betrothal, which is what mine is. I was a child when the agreement was made. She was moved to my mother's palace and raised alongside me, but kept at a distance. As we aged we were meant to spend more time together before marrying. I did not care to waste my time on something that was of little interest to me, so I did not. I have been pressured for centuries to unify my clan with hers. I cannot bring myself to do it… especially now." His voice trailed off into the wind again.

As he spoke she had regained control of her senses. She blinked at him a few times before resting on his last two words.

"What makes 'now' especially difficult?"

His eyes met hers, that impassive, stoic expression etched into all of his features except for the depths of his eyes. She lost herself in them for a moment, desperately trying to decipher what he was trying to tell her. She felt she knew, but her mind wouldn't allow her to accept the conclusion she'd drawn.

He remained silent, almost willing her to say it for him. She couldn't. She told herself it would be humiliating, that he would laugh at her silly human naivety.

They were still standing at the treeline. The intensity of his gaze was making it hard to think. For once, she allowed herself to be the one to keep her words to herself. She stood, walking deeper into the flower field towards their tree. She didn't have to check to know he would follow her. As they approached the tree he had quickened his pace, beating her to it. He once again spread out mokomoko and helped her take her seat before taking his at her side.

They sat in silence for a while, though it wasn't a comfortable one like she was so used to. She decided she would break it.

"What will happen if you don't marry her?"

He took a long time before responding.

"War, likely."

She looked down at her hands. She found herself thinking she no longer felt like a woman. She thought she had, but suddenly, the level of naivety that she was sure had clouded her mind made her feel stupid and childish.

She slowly got up from mokomoko, steadying herself on the trunk of the tree as she got to her feet.

"Rin?"

Sesshomaru looked up at her, a sort of pained expression poorly hidden beneath that unreadable facade. She sighed at how genuinely unreadable he had become to her as of late. For the second time that night… the second time since she had shared her name with him, she couldn't bring herself to answer his call.

Always, she would answer. But now, as she looked down at this being, this beautiful creature that she'd always just known as her Lord, her protector, her loyal companion, she saw something else. She saw his age for once, and though on the surface it was that of someone her own age, there was something ancient behind that surface, something regal and out of reach. She had always held great reverence towards Lord Sesshomaru, to her - he was strong, kind, flawless. She'd often find herself wondering if he was even real. But now she felt a disconnect from him. The Lord Sesshomaru that she'd known was a wanderer, a warrior, he liked to sleep under the sky, he sat in the dirt without a second thought. But there was a Sesshomaru that she had never met. A nobleman, betrothed to a noblewoman. He was high bred and high status. He grew up in a palace, wanting for nothing but affection that he would never receive. This helped her understand his sadness, his guard, but it also made her feel like she had no idea who he really was. The world he had spent centuries in was a polar opposite one from the one she'd shared with him. She could never, and would never, be the Lady to his Lord. He already had one.

She made to turn away when his hand gripped her wrist. He didn't say anything, he just wrapped her in mokomoko and cradled her in his arms the same way he had during their last visit. He tightened his embrace.

"Would you like me to take you home?"

She couldn't help thinking that she no longer had one. He had been the only home she had ever known. She shook her head no, then rested it against his chest. He took a seat against the tree trunk, still cradling her. She couldn't look at him.

For once, she felt his eyes searching her expression. He had understood that she meant to stay the night under the tree with him again without her having to say a word. She felt a sort of strange relief with the knowledge that, at least to an extent, he was able to read her silence as well.

She let herself drift off to sleep. When she awoke, she was in her hut, snuggled on her futon. Had it been a nightmare? No. She could still smell him on her skin. She closed her eyes and breathed in the scent. She allowed herself a smile at the new addition to their routine. She enjoyed sleeping in his arms. She couldn't help but think that their routine would disintegrate altogether soon. If he married another woman, he'd probably stop visiting her. Her chest ached at the thought of him disappearing from her life. If he didn't marry the woman, he'd end up in an immortal war that would probably wage on long beyond her lifespan. She could find no option that would end with her keeping Sesshomaru in her life.

She was gutted. There was nothing left to pull her to her feet. As always, the morning after one of their visits was especially hard - the feeling of being torn from him fresh and painful. As the next visit approached, the wound would always slowly heal, only to be ripped open again once the visit arrived and inevitably came to an end. Usually, the cycle was one worth the pain, but then, as she lay by the dwindling coals of the hearth in her unimpressive hut, on her unimpressive futon, clad in fine silks gifted to her by royalty, she felt a crushing feeling as her dreams died out alongside the last ember in the hearth.

She realized that the desire to see Lord Sesshomaru was no longer enough to keep her in good spirits as she awaited his next visit. The idea of seeing him had become painful, not relieving. She sobbed as she acknowledged her new truth.

Her chest heaved painfully and her stomach tightened. Her throat lurched. She barely made it to the wash basin before expelling burning acid from her throat. Still, the sobbing continued on, gripping her entire body in its grasp, her muscles tight and convulsing, her head filled with liquids, her throat burning with bile.

She wasn't sure how long the episode lasted, but as it came to an end and the familiar embrace of sleep began to wrap its arms around her, she allowed it. She welcomed the darkness as it cleared her mind. She huffed and for the first time since moving into the village, she decided to shirk her responsibilities and go back to sleep.