I never thought it would be years between stories. I have had plenty of ideas. I just haven't been in the right head space to write a complete story until this last week. Even with that, it's a few days late. But FINALLY, I have finished EvaForAlways' 30th birthday present. Hopefully it won't be nearly so long before I am able to write the next story.
Happy - belated - 30th birthday, Eva!
Disclaimer: I do not own Castle. Any dialogue you recognize is the property of Andrew Marlowe and ABC.
The things she would do for love.
The things she would do for Richard Castle.
Which at this point were one and the same.
Not that she was ready to admit that to Castle.
Not yet.
Kate wasn't sure what exactly she was waiting for. She knew Castle cared for her. Maybe even loved her.
That was it, she realized. Maybe he loved her. But she didn't know. Not for sure.
Lanie would say she was crazy, that it was obvious how he felt about her.
But Lanie was a romantic. Kate Beckett was not. Or, at least, she tried not to be. Sometimes when faced with a relationship as perfect as Jenny and Kevin Ryan, she couldn't help it.
Most of the time, though, love didn't, as the stories proclaimed, conquer all. Instead, it was ground beneath the feet of cold, cruel reality.
That happening to her and Castle didn't bear thinking of.
So she didn't. Think about it.
Kate was great with distractions. Work certainly provided plenty of it. When it hadn't, Tom Demming, and then Josh, had done an admirable job.
But it got to the point where Kate couldn't keep up the pretense, not even with herself. She never physically cheated on Tom or Josh. Emotionally, though…
So Kate had broken it off with Josh. Not for Castle; she still wasn't sure that's where they were headed. Could one woman, one with emotional walls as high as the Great Wall of China, be enough for him?
Was Kate brave enough to chance it?
Facing down serial killers was one thing. Placing her heart on the chopping block of Richard Castle's playboy ways was something else entirely.
To be fair to him, though, he hadn't been that way since he returned from the Hamptons. Kate was sure he had been faithful to Gina. She may have seen him with one woman after another (although there was far more of that on Page Six before she officially met him than she had witnessed afterwards) but nothing implied that he juggled multiple women at once.
As far she knew, he hadn't even been on a date since he broke up with Gina. And that was over a month ago.
So what was it she was doing for Castle now? Allowing yet another civilian follow her for research. She was a cop, not a babysitter, for crying out loud! Or even an elementary school teacher.
Sigh.
To be fair, she had been willing, at first, to let Natalie Rhodes follow her. Eager, even. Kate had enjoyed her movies and had enjoyed getting to know the actress. That is, until she copied Kate to a degree that was downright creepy. And then worse, threw herself at Castle.
At least she wouldn't have to worry about that with Alex Conrad.
Or so she assumed. It wasn't outside the realm of possibility….
But no. If there was one thing Kate knew, it was that Castle was 100% interested in women.
Surely this wouldn't turn into as much of a fiasco as the whole Natalie Rhodes debacle had.
She and Castle had been discussing the current case when Alex Conrad arrived. The first words out of his mouth showed the influence Castle had over his deductive reasoning skills.
"Maybe you're looking at it wrong," Alex said, jumping right into the conversation. "Maybe the steroids have nothing to do with his murder. Maybe they're your red herring."
Kate was torn between rolling her eyes and letting out a chuckle.
Writers. Always thinking of real life homicide cases like a mystery novel.
But Castle's unique perspective was often helpful on cases. Maybe Alex would be, too.
"I was just looking at the board," Alex said when Kate asked for an explanation of his 'red herring' comment, "and I was noticing that this swimmer kid is caught between two worlds. Now, if I were writing the story, the steroids would just be a red herring, and the real killer would be someone from the whole neighborhood." Kate just looked at him, thinking. Of how much he sounded like Castle, and how his theory had merit. "But yeah, that's just me. Clearly I'm still new at this."
"Alex, don't worry," Castle said, sympathy mixed with a hint of pride in his protegee. As well as in himself, Kate was sure. "It takes years to-"
Years? It may have taken years for Castle to gain the level of experience in helping the 12th solve cases that he now had, but it certainly hadn't taken him years to be helpful in solving those cases. Although she was loathe to admit it at the time, he was helpful from that very first case.
Another way Alex Conrad was following in his mentor's footsteps.
"No. No, you're right. We don't have any proof that this has anything to do with the steroids. We've just been assuming. We do need to look into Zach's old neighborhood, as well."
"Seriously?" Alex said, a hint of surprise in his voice. "I was helpful?"
"Yes. Yes, you were," Kate told him.
"Yes, but you probably have lots of questions, so we should get going," Castle said, clearly wanting Alex's attention on Castle himself, not Kate. Which irritated Kate a little. Alex was only doing what Castle had always done. And he did ask the other man to meet him at the precinct, after all.
Castle had barely turned to leave the precinct when Alex said to Kate, "Hey, uh, if it's not over-stepping, just in the interest of keeping it real, I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions for the case I am coming up with for 'Seriously Dead.'"
"Why don't you just give me a buzz when you two are done," Kate said, handing Alex one of her business cards. As much as it had bothered her when Castle had just assumed she'd be fine with another civilian shadowing her on cases, Kate now found herself wanting to help the budding writer.
"I mean if it's okay with you," Alex said belatedly to Castle.
"Why wouldn't it be okay?" Castle replied.
No reason that Kate could see. Giving the man information over drinks was a lot safer than having him shadow her on a case, anyway.
Castle was enough to look after.
The next morning Kate was wondering what Castle's reaction to the ridiculously large basket of muffins would be. She didn't have long to wait. Immediately after Esposito's not in the least subtle grab of a muffin for himself – really why did Esposito even attempt his horribly bad attempt at sneakery; it was obvious she would never be able to eat them all – Castle immediately took one. When she mentioned that Alex Conrad had sent them, he just as immediately dropped it.
Castle took a closer look at the card Alex had sent, which simply said, "Thanks for last night."
"Guess you two got together last night," Castle said.
Kate couldn't resist teasing him, just a little. He actually thought she and Alex could have-
Not. Happening.
She didn't know how old Alex was, but he seemed like barely more than a kid. And his interest in her was strictly professional. For which she was grateful. Not that she would have had a problem putting Alex in his place if he had made a move, but it was nice to not have to be on guard against it.
But Castle didn't know that. And she wasn't ready to enlighten him. Not yet. He was jealous. But was that jealous of her being a muse for another writer, or because he thought Alex had a romantic interest in her?
Until Kate knew for sure, she was going to let this play out.
"Yeah, we talked about procedure," Kate said, stretching in a way that was no more subtle than Esposito's grabbing the muffin.
"Oh. So... nothing special."
"Oh, I don't know. He said he was going to use it all for his next book. He said next time he wanted to talk about cases."
"Next time?"
Kate's only response was a pointed look.
Kate didn't know which emotion was strongest as she listened to Alex Conrad recount his poker night with Castle and his fellow writers. Empathy for Alex; they had been pretty hard on him. Amusement at Castle's delight at his fellow writers metaphorically knocking Alex down to size. (Not that Alex said as much, but Kate knew Castle well enough to be able to read between the lines.) Or the emotion she couldn't quite name but made her want to go immediately to Castle, give him a hug and tell him he had absolutely no reason to be jealous of Alex Conrad. Or anyone else, for that matter.
Not that she would do that.
At least, not yet.
Kate sighed as she hung up the phone. She ran her hands through her hair in frustration as she replayed the events of the last couple days through her mind.
No matter how she looked at it, there still wasn't enough evidence.
She and Castle often had the ability to communicate without words that bordered on mystical. Or at least Castle would say so. Kate knew it was just that they both had excellent powers of observation and simply knew each other that well.
But as well as she knew Castle, as much as she had observed, she still didn't know.
Was he jealous because she was spending time with another man?
Or because she was spending time with another writer?
Why do you think he's been following you around all this time? Esposito's words from last May, words she hadn't thought about in months, suddenly popped into her head. What, research? The guy's done enough research to write 50 books. Look, whatever the reason is...I'm pretty sure it doesn't include watching you be with another guy.
That was the first time she seriously thought about her feelings for Castle. Feelings that were strong enough that she had decided to risk letting him know about those feelings.
Only to have it all blow up in her face when he left for the summer with his second ex-wife and publisher, Gina.
Was she really ready to take that risk again?
Kate simply didn't know.
But if she didn't, how much longer could she handle being in this emotional and relational limbo?
"You know, it is ironic," Castle said the next day, a short while after they had wrapped up their latest case, "the one man Zach thought he could trust, his mentor, turned out to be his killer."
"You know, speaking of mentor," Kate said, unable to sweep the issue under the rug another moment, "I heard that you guys were pretty hard on Conrad last night."
"Hard on him?" Castle asked, doing a fairly good job of pretending that Alex's treatment at the poker game was no different than it would have been for any new writer. He had obviously picked up some tips from his mother, actress extraordinaire, Martha Rodgers, over the years. "No, no. It was just a little friendly hazing."
If what Alex described was classified by mystery writers as friendly hazing, Kate couldn't help but wonder if unfriendly hazing would result in one or more of them being locked up.
She meant what she said. She wouldn't hesitate to bail Castle out of prison. Or do whatever needed to be done, within the bounds of the law, if possible, to restore his freedom.
But that wasn't the point.
That was Kate trying to distract herself.
But she wasn't going to allow it this time.
For either of them.
"To hear him describe it, it sounds like someone was trying to teach him a lesson."
Come on, Castle. Just tell me.
"What?" Castle said with a laugh. "Why would I want to do that?"
Kate wasn't going to let up. Not this time. "Because you didn't want him to spend time with me?"
"That is completely-"
Oh no. They were not doing this. They had spent way to long dancing around the issue. She had almost lost Castle twice already. Well, there really hadn't been a threat of that with Natalie Rhodes, but there was a long, stress filled night where Kate wasn't aware of that.
She wasn't going to risk it happening a third time.
A third time that might actually stick.
She may not know for sure where this was going, but she wanted the chance to find out.
"True?" Kate pressed him.
For a second it looked like he was gong to shrug it off, deflect, do whatever verbal gymnastics necessary to get them back to the status quo.
But then, finally, Castle said, "Yes, fine. It's true. I'm jealous."
Oh, Castle.
The hit of emotion at seeing his vulnerability, the pain in his eyes, almost made her drop it. She wanted to know the truth, but not at his expense. And not here, at the precinct, where anyone could interrupt them. Particularly Ryan and Esposito, both of whom made a habit of doing just that.
"I want you all to myself," Castle went on.
Kate wanted that, too.
"And having you spend time with another writer, that upsets me!"
Wait, what? Another writer?
So, this was just about his pride and professional jealousy?
The words came out of Kate's mouth before she realized she was going to say them. "Another writer?"
"What?" The pained look in Castle's eyes was replaced by one of confusion.
"Are you sure it's 'another writer,' Castle?" Now that she had started, Kate couldn't bring herself to stop. "It wouldn't upset you just as much if Agatha Christie shadowed me?"
"That would be awesome!" Castle said, his eyes lighting up at the idea. "Shadowed by a ghost mystery writer. You probably wouldn't want to tell anyone, though-"
"Castle!" Why was Agatha Christie the first name to pop into her head? She knew better. And yes, having a ghost shadow her would be cool. If ghosts actually existed, that was. Which they didn't, despite Castle's protests to the contrary. "Gillian Flynn, then?" Kate had enjoyed the woman's murder mystery novel, Sharp Objects.
"Why would Gillian Flynn-?"
"Why isn't the point, Castle! Would it upset you if Gillian Flynn shadowed me? Or how about-" Kate rapidly rattled off a series of female murder mystery writers until Castle finally interrupted her.
"No," he said quietly. "It wouldn't."
Finally.
The evidence she needed.
"If that makes me petty," Castle shrugged. "So be it. Guilty as charged."
Kate smiled. "Actually, I kind of think it's sweet."
"You do?" Castle's puzzlement was clear on his face.
"I do," Kate said. "And that's why you don't have to worry about me hanging around Conrad anymore. From now on, I am a one writer girl."
"I do feel kind of bad," Castle admitted after a moment. "He is my mentee, after all. He didn't really do anything wrong."
"I wouldn't feel so bad," Kate said.
Not when his actions had given Kate the evidence she needed.
And now, as nervous as she might suddenly be, Kate knew it was time to take the next step, however small.
But before she had the chance, Ryan and Esposito, along with Alex Conrad, unknowingly interrupted them.
Another opportunity gone.
But there would be another one.
Kate would make sure of it.
The only thing she had time for was a brief and heartfelt 'always' after Ryan, Esposito and Alex Conrad left. She hoped it would be enough.
Later that evening, she realized it wasn't enough. Even if it was for him, it wasn't for her.
Castle had made it clear that it wasn't just her spending time with another writer that upset him, but her spending time with another man.
Now she wanted, no needed, to make it clear to him that she wasn't just promising to stop spending time with other writers. But other men, as well.
Her reasons weren't entirely selfless. As much as she wanted to assure him that she wouldn't spend time with other writers or other men, she wanted the same commitment from him. That he wouldn't spend time with other cops, except for those at the 12th, of course. But more than that, that he wouldn't spend time with other women. Time that she wanted him to spend with her.
She didn't want to risk another Gina.
Or in her case, another Tom Demming or Josh Davidson.
Not that there was much chance of that.
But Castle didn't know that.
Not yet.
If Kate had her way, before the night was over, he would.
Being nervous talking to Castle was not something Kate was used to. Mostly because she didn't make a habit of sharing things with him when she was unsure of what his reaction would be. Each new layer of the Beckett onion she revealed to him was done after careful consideration of what she knew about him, so that her prediction of his reaction was, more often than not, completely accurate.
Kate was already right outside his building before she placed the call. Castle had told her he was having dinner with Alexis and Martha before the two redheads went to a movie. Two and a half hours had passed since Castle had left the precinct for the day and Kate was hopeful that was enough time so that she would be able to speak with Castle alone.
"Castle, can we talk for a second?" Kate said after the writer answered her call. She ran her free hand nervously through her hair as she realized she sounded exactly the same as she had when she had said the same thing last May, mere seconds before Gina showed up.
She wasn't worried that Gina, or some other woman, was going to come between them. Not this soon, at any rate. But she could hear the nervous hesitation in her voice and wondered if Castle could hear it, too.
"Yeah, sure, of course," Castle said easily.
"Okay, ummm, I'll be up in a minute," Kate said.
"You're here?" Castle asked. "Why didn't you just come on up?"
"I wanted to make sure I wasn't interrupting anything."
Kate could hear the smile in his voice when he said, "Beckett, you can interrupt any time. You know that."
She did know that, actually. But she didn't like to take away from his time with Alexis. The girl was Castle's top priority, as she should be.
"I know you haven't been able to spend much time with Alexis in the last few days because of Conrad and the case," Kate said. "I didn't want to get in the way of that."
"You would never be in the way," Castle said. "And she and mother left around fifteen minutes ago, so I am just rattling around in this big old loft by myself."
Castle preferred having people around him, Kate well knew. Except for when he was writing, of course. But since the latest Nikki Heat book was finished, as far as Kate knew, he would probably appreciate the company.
Especially after she said what she had come to say.
As it turned out, when Castle opened the door, Kate didn't say anything. Her mind went completely blank. All she could think about was how much she wanted to kiss him.
And so, she did.
Putting her hands on his shoulders and lifting up on her toes, Kate pressed her lips to his. She hadn't meant to do it, and as soon as the first jolt of sensation rushed through her Kate forced herself to break the contact. She stepped back and forced herself to meet Castle's stunned gaze.
"I'm sorry, Castle," she whispered.
Castle blinked and then frowned. "Why are you sorry?"
"I-I didn't mean to do that."
His frown deepened. "So, it was a mistake?"
"No!" That was the last thing Kate wanted him to think. "I just didn't mean to… not now…. I mean, not yet…. I really did want to...Talk." Kate's voice broke on the last word, mortified at her lack of self-control. And although her communication skills weren't on par with Castle's at the best of times, she was rarely this bad.
It seemed to be enough for Castle. His eyes twinkled at her as he joked, "No reason we can't do both."
"Not at the same time, though," Kate joked back, Castle's familiar humor putting her at ease.
Not that he was entirely joking, she knew.
Neither was she.
"The logistics of that would take a bit to figure out," Castle said with mock seriousness.
Kate giggled. She would have been embarrassed, again, except Castle was practically beaming at her now.
Kate bit her lip, not sure how to express what she was thinking, what she was feeling.
If only she had Castle's gift with words.
But she didn't.
"I meant it, you know," she ended up saying. "About Conrad. From now on, I am a one writer girl. But-"
"But what, Kate?" Castle asked after a few moments of her silence. His expression was questioning, but patient.
"I know I may not have the right to ask this-"
Once again Castle waited a few moments before saying, "You can ask me anything you want, Beckett. You know that."
She did know that. In theory.
Kate guessed she was testing that theory now.
"I just don't know how to do this!" she burst out.
"Do what?" Castle asked, his gaze still calm, still patient.
"Talk…. about…."
This is getting ridiculous, Kate thought. It's like he has to pull every word out of me. Why can't I just DO this?
"Feelings," Kate's voice was so quiet she wondered if he heard her or just read her lips. "And...and…."
"And what?"
"I don't know!" Kate threw up her hands in frustration. "All of it! I wish I could just...just…. Say it!"
This time, Castle simply waited.
Part of her just wanted to grab him again. Kiss him. Just fall into bed with him, let her actions speak for her.
But as little as she knew about how to do a relationship, which she suddenly realized she desperately wanted, Kate knew that was not the way to go about this.
So, she would just have to stumble her way through.
Somehow.
And hope that Castle could make sense of it, even if she couldn't.
"I don't want Alex Conrad. Or Tom. Or Josh. I just want…" Kate closed her eyes, took a deep breath and forced the words out, "I just want you. I don't want another Gina to get in the way. Or even Kyra, and I know how ridiculous that sounds. I mean, she's married. If you had wanted to be together, that would have already happened. But I just want…"
"Me."
Kate smiled. As bumbling as her explanation was, he got it.
He got her.
"I just want you, too, Kate," Castle said, his hand reaching up to cup her check, continuing on after a moment to tangle his fingers in her hair. "Only you. Not Gina. Or Kyra. Or to shadow any other cop, for research or any other reason."
"One writer," Kate said.
"And one girl," Castle agreed.
Kate couldn't think of anything more perfect.