Disclaimer: Bleach is owned by Tite Kubo, and the idea was coming when I was watching Friends. So… no I don't own the references from Friends :D This fic is just for fun.
AN: Guys I am actually on vacation so I have time to keep writing. I was editing updates of my other fics, 700 Days and Little Miracle, but I suddenly just want to write something funny. Yeah, I am back to torture Ichigo!
Oh, for the sake of the story, I hope you guys are familiar with the 4 bases in relationship using baseball methapor (1st base kissing, 2nd base touching, 3rd base anything below the waist, 4th base/home run actually sleeping together. My God, why am I writing this, please just google it XD *cries, laughs, and rots in hell*)
Oh, yeah, sorry one more thing, in this story Ichigo's hair is like his old spiky hair (because I think his hair is even more a TRAGEDY than the Bleach ending itself really hahaha). Aaand while I know Rukia still looks pretty in long or short hair, I just miss her old hair so much so I want you guys to imagine her keeping her old trademark shoulder-length hair haha.
Oh, right, another warning I am a HUGE fan of Rukia, I think she's the most beautiful character in all anime, so sometimes I can't help it to state how pretty she is hahaha, especially in Ichi's eyes *LMAO*
I hope you like it, enjoy! :D
Ichigo had his lowest of the low, like when Rukia was taken away from him to Soul Society by Byakuya and Renji, or when he was battered by those Arrancars and couldn't protect his friends, or when he couldn't control his hollows, or when he lost his shinigami powers and thought that everyone turned on him, all of those lows, despair—he told Yhwach—he could overcome those.
So, yeah, he had overcome despair. He had climbed up, he had kicked it in its teeth, and surpassed it... over and over again just to make it to this very moment.
He had overcome that, by simply having the courage and getting stronger, especially with Rukia by his side.
Now, he was a war hero, for God's sake. And ten years had passed, he had finished his medical study and become a full-fledged doctor, he had given up his mortal life, he was proud now to become a full-time shinigami, and he was now in the preparation to have promotion as the fukutaichou of the 13th division.
Kyoraku did offer him a captain seat but he refused. Ichigo could care less about the never-ending politics in the Gotei 13, he only cared about Rukia.
Ichigo only wanted to be by her side all the time, so that he was always around to protect her. And Ichigo couldn't stress this enough, it was not because she couldn't protect herself, but just because he wanted to.
What happened last night, however, was a different thing together.
After all, all those war experiences never taught him how to keep his dignity intact in a moment like this.
Ichigo knew Rukia was muffling her laughs all the way; when she was freshening up in the bathroom, when she was putting on her pink yukata, and when she was combing her shoulder-length hair in front of the mirror.
Ichigo knew she found his humiliation amusing and he was not surprised, since this was Rukia he was marrying.
Rukia Kuchiki, the woman who had been annoying him back and forth since he was 15.
No matter how much he was so damn in love with her that it was crazy, Ichigo knew very well, that she could be a real minx sometimes.
And. She was not going to live it down, was she?
Lying on the bed naked (and for what?), their white sheet only covering up to his waist, Ichigo messed his spiky hair in frustration and could only stare blankly at the ceiling.
Maybe, it was not that bad.
Ichigo pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to rationalize things.
Ichigo used to be a full-fledged doctor, he knew how the human body worked. A male body was not a machine. Sometimes… sometimes it did not work as it was supposed to.
It happened, no biggie whatsoever.
It really wasn't that bad, was it?
But then he could hear a faint, soft snicker escaping his newly-wedded wife's pretty lips, and.
Yeah, who was he kidding? It was THAT bad.
Just, oh my God, what the hell?
There was still that amused, mischievous glint in her beautiful blue, violet, purple something orbs when Rukia walked to the bed and pulled him up.
And she was still trying to contain her amusement. Ichigo knew Rukia had always been a poor actress, but she was really, really doing a NOT-very-good-job about it. It was as if she wasn't even trying.
Rukia was barely containing her laughs!
Being pulled up by the arms and now seated on the edge of their bed, Ichigo groaned and exhaled a really, deep and long, tired sigh.
And Rukia's effort to suppress her teasing snickers got even poorer.
Ichigo was too humiliated. His manly pride was wounded, for God's sake. His soldier, his fucking soldier was down just right at the moment he was sent to war! To put it bluntly, HE didn't even bother to show up!
His wife was standing there in front of him, in the space between his legs, and holding his face with both of her soft hands, and Ichigo always loved the way they moved to run through his spiky orange mane.
Rukia's eyes were looking into his, as stupid as it sounded, Ichigo thought her eyes sparkled. And despite his humiliation, Ichigo was still taken aback by her beauty; how beautiful, how glowing, how breath-taking she looked when she was amused.
Then Rukia kissed him fully on the lips. Her lips were warm and soft on his. Ichigo still could feel the fresh aroma of toothpaste on hers. As their kiss deepened and deepened and deepened, Ichigo was starting to get into it.
Rukia's hands running through his hair when they were making out always did it for him.
Alright.
Ichigo planned to step up his game.
He could do it. He could do it, right?!
He circled her waist with his toned arms, pulling her body closer to his broad naked torso so that there was no more space between them aside from the thin silk of Rukia's yukata.
Okay, something twitched under the sheet. Okay, a twitch was good.
Ichigo told himself to calm the hell down and don't scare it away this time.
Then his one hand went down lower from her waist, and lower, and lower, and lower down to feel up her ass, and that...
That was when Rukia broke her already poor act and laughed!
She laughed with her lips still pressed on his in the middle of their heated make-out session!
Ichigo tore his lips away from hers and groaned even louder this time, clearly annoyed at her, and warned her with a low, dangerous voice, "Rukia..."
The Kuchiki heiress was mumbling, sorry, sorry, sorry, but she couldn't stop laughing and there were fucking tears in her eyes!
Rukia was not proud of it, but the mental image of what happened last night just flashed into her mind when Ichigo's hand went further down her waist.
And she just lost it.
"You know... you know I can, right?" Ichigo narrowed his eyes at her, his scowl had never been deeper.
Well, he could. Rukia knew he was more than capable actually. She knew that better than anyone in the whole universe, dead or alive.
She knew, thus she had no worries at all. Ichigo was freaking out over nothing.
It was her, it was them. They had been each other's person, soulmate, being pulled together with some kind of a magical and twisted destiny thing since he was 15, they had been blatantly going out romantically since he turned 20, and now they were married when he was 28.
What Rukia was trying to say was that they were husband and wife now, and there was really nothing he should be embarrassed about.
She knew him better than anyone. She loved him. And there was nothing in this whole universe that could make her love him any less.
And Rukia knew that she shouldn't have been amused, knew that this was so NOT the right way one's respectable partner handled this issue, but her husband's reaction was too funny and too adorable, and.
Rukia. Just. Couldn't. Help. Herself.
Even amidst his humiliation right now, in his stupid whipped brain, Ichigo still had the space and time to think about how beautiful his captain-ranked wife was with that wicked smile on her face and how much he loved her voice when she was laughing like a wicked witch.
At this point, he might or might not have a thing for it really.
"Ichigo, relax." Once she pulled herself together, Rukia said to him softly and fully sat on his lap that was only covered by the thin sheet, her eyes still glinted in amusement.
Her arms circled around his neck and she gave him reassuring kisses along his neck and jaw, nibbling the skin on the favorite spot she knew he loved so much (that's okay, I'm sorry I laughed, I love you, you have nothing to worry about).
She told him between the neck kisses, "I read about it once in a magazine back then in the human world."
Ichigo did not like where she was going with this.
It could've been worse. At least, Rukia was too preoccupied with kissing his neck and jaw and wasn't using her stupid rabbit drawings to explain this.
"This thing does happen." Rukia wasn't speaking of her experience, because she had only been with Ichigo and Ichigo alone (it was the same thing on his end), but the epidemiology wasn't lying here.
She just had to add with her I-know-everything-because-I'm-a-shinigami-and-a-Kuchiki tone. "And according to the poll survey conducted by The Shinigami Women's Association two years ago, it is even more prevalent in Soul Society men."
"I mean, you know shinigami are almost in a constant war and fighting, putting our men under an unimaginable level of stress."
Really?
Ichigo could feel her smile pressed onto his neck. She nodded. "It is a common thing, Ichigo. It can happen to any guy, and it is not a big deal."
Ichigo groaned again. Jesus fucking Christ. She did not just pull that on him.
"Yeah, that. That didn't make me feel any better." Ichigo grunted.
"Just try to look at it from a clearer perspective, Ichigo." She started again, her voice reasonably calm.
"You were really tired last night," she was seriously trying to make him feel better, one of her hands ran up and down and caressed his chest reassuringly, "and you even had a little champagne,"
Ichigo sighed. Well, yeah, the wedding of the century, the wedding of the Kuchiki heiress/respected captain of the 13th division and the war hero/the new head clan of the Shiba clan/the fukutaichou-in-progress of the 13th division was such a huge, pain-in-the-ass event.
Albeit being held privately in a secluded Shiba Clan's property in the beautiful mountain area in Rukongai to avoid Soul Society's prying media and press, and only attended by close friends and family and respected people in the ranks, it still totally drained Ichigo's energy.
Especially with how much hell his brother-in-law and his wife's side of the family put him in all this wedding preparation. He had to become the head of the Shiba clan first to earn her clan's permission to marry her, for God's sake!
But still.
To be honest, fatigue wasn't the only issue. It wasn't like they had never done it before (please, Ichigo had lost count of how many times they had done it in the last 8 years), but in Ichigo's defense, the feeling was just all surreal—to finally marry the love of his life.
They were going to be together for eternity and Ichigo just wanted to prove to her again and again just how much he could make her happy.
Ichigo was so in love with Rukia to the point that people called him insane for that.
And Ichigo didn't want to let her down. He'd want to perform; he'd want to give Rukia the best wedding night. And yesterday on their wedding day, she looked absolutely stunning that Ichigo almost lost all his brain cells, and no matter how much she had familiarized herself with his touch, moves, and all of him, really, Ichigo felt like it was still required of him to put on an epic show that would blow her mind.
Her. Rukia, the woman who changed his destiny, the woman who made the rain stopped.
Even if it was a subconscious thing, it did put Ichigo under pressure and turned him into a nervous wreck.
But, again, still. It was supposed to be simple. How hard could it be? Sex wasn't even rocket science. And his rocket did not even want to launch!
What the hell was wrong with him?! Was his most important tool broken or something?!
Dear Lord.
"I'm sorry I laughed," Rukia murmured and smiled at him, pure and beautiful. "Really, Ichigo, you have nothing to be worried about," she told him. "Just to be clear, it didn't make me love you less, in fact, it made me love you, even more, stupid."
Rukia really was clearly trying hard to do some damage control, but it was true. Ichigo's (albeit really funny) reaction to something that didn't even make her slightly any less happy to be with him warmed her heart.
It spoke volumes of how much he wanted the best for her.
"Rukia…"
Before Ichigo could open his mouth to counter her, Rukia kissed him once again on the lips, a quick kiss to reassure him once again that everything was fine, he was freaking out for nothing, and she loved him no matter what.
Then she pulled away, gave him a long look with that wicked smile and mischievous look in her eyes that he was always smitten for, and a lone finger traced his torso all the way down from his neck to his navel.
The strongest shinigami in all worlds could become undone by her mere touch alone. That was that much power Rukia had over Ichigo, and she sometimes didn't even realize it.
"Now, come on, breakfast's ready, and everyone's already waiting downstairs."
She got off his lap and left the room. Feeling void of her touch on his body, Ichigo flopped down on his back hard on the bed.
Well, to think about it, Rukia had been really nice and fair about it. It wasn't a surprise. Rukia had always been the one who could make him feel better after all.
Maybe, she was right? It was all in his head.
But, still.
Ichigo shuddered again. It was so embarrassing.
Just how the hell...
Just how the hell did one mend a man's broken pride after he couldn't... get it up... on his wedding night?!
Ichigo groaned, silently screamed to the pillow, and literally pulled his hair as he tossed and kicked around frustratedly, aimlessly on the bed.
The Soul Society wedding (they planned to only go for a nice dinner with his friends back in the World of Living) was held in a huge Shiba property in a secluded, beautiful mountain area in Rukongai.
Since it required some travel distances from Seireitei, and this Shiba mansion had a lot of vacant rooms, their family stayed the night after the wedding; his dad, his sisters (Karin and Yuzu who managed to get into Soul Society for the first time with Urahara's help), Kuukaku, and Ganju, and there was her side of the family who stayed the night also (Byakuya), and other people who felt like family to them, like Renji. Other guests had already left after the wedding party last night.
Ichigo was just done with his shower. He put on a dark-blue yukata, messing up his recently-dried spiky orange hair as he closed the door to his and Rukia's room with a soft thud.
At the end of the hallway, there was Renji, clad in his flowery pattern green yukata, yawning as he walked toward the orange-haired Shinigami.
The redhead waved at Ichigo, "Yo,"
Looking at how tired and sleepless Ichigo looked, Renji was quick to draw a conclusion and make a pun.
Oh, yeah, he was no virgin, alright, Renji knew very well what kept a newly-wed couple awake all night.
Renji wasn't wrong. His mind was simple. He only thought Ichigo didn't get any sleep at all for all kinds of THE RIGHT reasons, when truthfully, Ichigo did lose sleep, but it was because he was busy staring at the ceiling all night, too humiliated and too embarrassed to close his eyes. And Rukia's amused giggles were making a whole orchestra in his head.
Ichigo just couldn't get it off his mind.
Renji elbowed Ichigo lightly on the chest and snickered and raised his stupid tattooed eyebrow suggestively, "That good, huh?"
Yeah.
That.
That wasn't something Ichigo would like to talk about right now. Thank you very much.
But Ichigo, still vulnerable, couldn't control his reaction to it. He coughed and almost choked to death, shuddered, and froze like a freaking statue.
At his blatant choke, stunned, and deadpanned expression, and the way all the hair on Ichigo's nape went straight as shivers ran down his body, Renji Abarai picked up something.
Oh. My. God.
The red-haired fukutaichou gasped and his eyes widened in a really comical way.
Okay, calm your tits down, Renji! The Zabimaru voice in his head told him.
This was Ichigo. Renji had seen how this man could bring chaos and destruction to the whole universe with just a mere flick of his fucking zanpakuto.
Even Renji, who was a really self-proclaimed manly man who thought that he could make any man feel less like a man when he walked into the room, admitted that Ichigo was all man.
Ichigo was ALL MAN, alright, in every department.
Okay, Renji now realized it was ridiculous how his mind got there. Ichigo might be his rival, in almost everything, and Renji had never even doubted anything about Ichigo's masculinity, but still, what the hell was that expression on his face for?
Renji was just asking him about his wedding night with the woman of his dreams and dude looked like he had swallowed a hundred tons of seaweed ambassador that tasted like shit!
"Ok, dude," Renji bit his lower lip so hard to contain his laughter that it almost bled. He couldn't help it.
There was no way. There was simply NO way. This must be a sick joke Ichigo pulled that he didn't get.
"You're kidding, right..."
Ichigo only swallowed hard like there was a freaking lump in his throat and Renji swore he could see Ichigo's face literally turning blue.
And it was enough to give Renji the answer.
What the hell?!
Ichigo... and with Rukia, nonetheless?! This man was a simp for his childhood best friend from DAY ONE. Surely, her getting him aroused wasn't a problem?!
Okay, get a grip, idiot. Zabimaru told him again.
Renji knew IT happened. Heck, he even experienced it once (MORE than once, Zabimaru reminded him).
Yes, apparently, Rukia wasn't lying about the statistics. It was that common in Soul Society men.
But again, this, this was Ichigo's wedding night, for God's sake.
Jesus, this poor man. Renji thought he just got a brain rot.
Okay, pull yourself together, Abarai, Renji told himself. Ichigo was his friend—one of his bestest friends. And the wedding might be over, but still, he was Ichigo's best man and Ichigo might no longer be a groom, but Renji would always be there for him.
No matter how much he wanted to point AND laugh, Renji wouldn't, and couldn't make fun of Ichigo in a situation like this.
There was a BRO code for this, painted in blood and gold and reserved cautiously in the safe document-keeping building in Seireitei.
It happened. Move on.
And also Renji strongly believed that the God of karma was real, what if he laughed at Ichigo now and got the same situation later on his wedding night?
The red-haired fukutaichou was trying hard to be careful like he was approaching a wild, wounded animal in the jungle, "So… Ichigo, how… how bad was it?"
Ichigo gulped like he was forced to drink poison, and to make it worse, he looked like he was gladly willing to take it rather than being stuck here in this predicament with Renji.
How the hell did this happen? The orange-haired shinigami was still struggling to wrap it around his head.
Renji was trying, he was trying alright, but there was so much self-control a man could muster, and, "So, ugh… just to make things clear," Renji gulped, "Couldn't you… do it, you know… at all… or was it like… you could but... didn't last... I mean… how long did you… a minute… or two?"
And this baboon was drawing the wrong conclusion and it didn't make Ichigo's predicament any better whatsoever.
Ichigo let out a deep sigh, finally letting go of the hope that this was just a weird-freaky dream he was having.
On the other hand, however, Ichigo knew that what happened last night was weighing him down so much. Well, people were told to talk about it and not to keep this inside, so, so… would it help him mend his broken pride? Talking about it?
Fuck it, Ichigo thought, deciding to take the chance.
"I couldn't… you know… I know I wanted to… there was… it was… it was an incident, goddamnit," Ichigo couldn't breathe. "…it just wouldn't… you know… get up,"
Screw this. Screw all of this to the hell and back. Ichigo wanted to scream and pull his hair.
Renji was this close to breaking down the shell that contained him altogether and laughing on the floor, but no, he was better than that.
Get a grip, Abarai Renji. His friend here needed him most. He needed him, he needed him bad, even more than the time he was up against that Quincy King freak, Yhwach. This was Ichigo's MANLY PRIDE on the line. True gentlemen didn't mess up with this kind of shit.
He then patted Ichigo on the shoulder like a good brother and reassured him, trying to say it in a so much casual way as possible, "Ichigo, come on, relax, dude. This thing happens all the time."
There was some kind of relief there on Ichigo's handsome face, and his frown lessened, "…really?"
Renji nodded and patted Ichigo's broad shoulder again. "Yeah. Yeah, trust me, it happens way more often than you imagine. Every man in Soul Society has experienced it at least once, you know."
Ichigo's dignity had been blown away in the window, but somehow, he did feel better to hear it from another male counterpart. "So, Renji, you've had… did it ever happen to you too?"
As a self-proclaimed manly man, Renji just had to do it, avoiding Ichigo's gaze on him as he blurted a lie to save his dignity. "Yeah… yeah, like once."
It was MORE than once, you dimwit. Zabimaru yelled again in the back of Renji's mind.
Ichido nodded his head multiple times then as if he had gained insight and a broader understanding. "Alright…" yeah, Renji was right. It shouldn't get to him. He nodded again "Alright," he repeated, more like to keep reassuring himself.
This THING happened, MOVE ON. Just focus on his performance next time and make sure not to repeat it again.
Renji grinned at his friend's rising confidence.
"Yeah, don't let it get into your head, Ichigo. We're shinigami for fuck's sake, aging is slow in this world, and we are going to live for so many years. Buckle up, it IS going to be tougher,"
Renji literally just repeated everything he heard from Ikkaku-san when he came on to him to consult his problem. And Renji was sure, Ikkaku-san also downright copied it from his Zaraki-taichou when he had that problem, too. (Seriously, all these shinigami men needed a thorough medical check-up).
"To make you feel better, Ichigo, just imagine, if you and I, young and strong as we are, are having this problem, now picture it, what about someone as old as… I don't know… Kuchiki-taichou? Dude had been married once, and he managed it just fine. So, trust me, you're all good, my man." Renji just repeated his own musing when he had this problem, comparing it to his taichou, so he could rise back on his feet.
Yeah, that didn't make things any better, but just what the hell was Ichigo expecting anymore?
Ichigo nodded again, awkwardly running his fingers through his orange mane. "Yeah, you're right."
Swallowing his already damned pride, he patted Renji on the shoulder before going down the stairs to have breakfast with the family. "Thanks, Renji."
Renji was about to follow Ichigo to the dining room on the first floor, but then something growled and crunched in his stomach. "Whoa, sorry. You go down first. Nature's call!" he shouted at Ichigo and ran to his room to go to the bathroom.
Stupid morning dump.
Chaos could be induced by a domino effect.
For one, it wouldn't have been chaos if Ichigo just did his part right last night.
It wouldn't have been chaos if Kuukaku Shiba didn't have a large yard that could be turned into a baseball pitch.
It wouldn't have been chaos if Karin wasn't that in love with the 10th division of Gotei 13.
It wouldn't have been chaos if Isshin had just given his daughter and his ex-subordinate his blessing already.
It wouldn't have been chaos if Byakuya didn't have the patience running thin as this as paper.
But, after all, they were all salvageable. All these things still could stand high and tall.
While there were other things that helped things fall apart, the stupid nature's call that made Renji late to the dining table was the one that pushed the downfall.
It was such a nice morning. Birds were chirping outside. Green scenery was all over the place when they looked through the windows. It should have been a nice morning.
Everyone could agree that Kuukaku Shiba was a legendary host that would put all her guests' needs first. A magical, exceptional breakfast was already served on silver platters on the huge dining table, thanks to Shiroganehiko's and Koganehiko's magic hands in the kitchen department.
When Rukia made it downstairs to the dining room, her brother was already sitting there, in his brown expensive yukata, calmly enjoying his morning tea.
Rukia greeted him, "Good morning, Nii-sama," and he replied with so much elegance only the Kuchiki head clan could master, "Good morning, Rukia."
Isshin, Karin, and Yuzu were also already there. And Yuzu greeted Rukia nicely with actual hearts in her eyes. She just loved her sister-in-law so much. She loved her more now that she was officially her sister.
"Good morning, Rukia-neechan." The innocent one of the twins said. "You look so pretty this morning,"
Rukia smiled at her now official little sister and answered softly, "Thank you, Yuzu, look at you, you look splendid yourself." Yuzu was blushing happily to hear that.
Isshin just had to add to the conversation, "Good morning, my third daughter, no, wait, my DAUGHTER-IN-LAW Rukia-chan! So beautiful as always!"
Isshin couldn't help himself. "It is the morning after glow, Yuzu!"
Young Rukia from a few years ago might blush at that insinuation alone, but captain-ranked Rukia knew better how to handle her father-in-law.
Kuukaku teased her next as she sipped her tea. "So, how was the wedding night?"
Despite Ichigo's claim that stated her acting was poor, Rukia, for one, knew it wasn't anywhere less than superb. So, an elegant smile that held a thousand meanings on her face, and a little flick of the hair were enough to give the Shiba nothing less than a satisfying answer.
After all, Rukia decided she was going to be a dotted wife. Whatever happened last night, a dotted wife would keep her husband's dignity intact, safely hidden from outsiders' prying eyes and ears.
Isshin was laughing, amused and proud. "You see that, Kuukaku? It's MY son, after all."
Rukia's brother, on the other hand, while he was the one who consciously gave Kurosaki Ichigo the permission for his sister's hand in marriage and knew very well what a marriage could mean between a man and a woman, still had it difficult to wrap his mind around it—that Rukia was now married to Kurosaki Ichigo.
So, yeah, the poor nobleman shook a little bit when he was holding his teacup, hearing his in-laws' harmless insinuation.
It was still hard for Byakuya to accept. Long gone was the young Rukia he met and adopted at the academy. Here, now sitting in front of him was this grown woman Byakuya honestly was really proud of—a captain, a wife, and a partner of the strongest man in Soul Society.
The respected captain of the 6th division wouldn't admit it out loud, but last night, Kuchiki Byakuya didn't get any sleep done, because right after the moment Byakuya walked Rukia down the aisle and gave her hand to the man she loved (after about 15 minutes refusing to let go that he had to be separated with his sister by force by Renji and Isshin), the realization just hit him now.
It was easy to distract his mind from reality when, as the head of the clan, Byakuya was also overwhelmed with the wedding preparation, administrative and non-administrative matters alike.
And now the ruckus was all over, Byakuya was left with nothing but the hard truth.
Rukia was now married to Kurosaki Ichigo. She was no longer his obligation.
She was no longer kept under his strict protection. She'd move out to the house they had purchased a month earlier, and Byakuya wouldn't see his sister as much as he used to. He could no longer see and hear her greeting him good morning, asking him if he slept well. He no longer had to specifically order the chef in Kuchiki Mansion to cook and prepare Rukia's favorite dish whenever Byakuya found out Rukia was overworked and had no time even for such a mundane thing as a simple meal. The mansion was going to be nothing, but lonely walls, and silent pond, and trees.
Byakuya knew he'd miss his sister.
Was he already regretting his decision to marry his sister off?
Would it be ludicrous to pull off the wedding now that it already happened?
Looking up from his teacup, staring at Rukia's beautiful, glowing, radiant, and happy face, Byakuya tried to bury the unsettling feeling deep in his mind.
He couldn't be selfish. Rukia deserved happiness. And if her happiness came from a young, bashful man like Kurosaki Ichigo, what could a good brother like him do? At least the boy had matured and grown a lot from the 15-year-old Byakuya used to hate.
Ichigo came downstairs a few moments later after his wife joined his family. He mumbled good morning to Byakuya when he passed the brooding Kuchiki, mentally asking "what the hell ate his brother-in-law's sucked-up ass so early in the morning?" but decided to ignore it, and greeted his dad, sisters, and Kuukaku good morning as well.
The orange-haired shinigami took a seat next to his wife, cleared his throat as he did so, and Rukia touched his arm in a wordless gentle way of asking are you okay now and she gave him a beautiful smile that always took his breath away. Yeah, he was okay, he would always be okay with her by his side.
Then to Ichigo's surprise, like some kind of a devoted wife or something, Rukia poured him a cup of tea, elegantly like she was always taught to. It was something that she had never done for him before, and it was just becoming so real for Ichigo now, he married Rukia, she was his wife now, and she was serving him morning tea.
Ichigo couldn't stop the grin from forming on his face. And Karin snorted at how blatantly happy her whipped brother looked for such a simple gesture.
All in all, it was a beautiful morning between two in-laws having breakfast in the morning.
Chaos, however, was a domino effect.
Chaos began when Karin just had to talk to the legendary host Kuukaku Shiba about how nice her place was, and how huge her yard was. So huge that Karin was sure it could be transformed into a baseball pitch, a good idea for entertainment for the shinigami, because Karin had only been here three days, and Soul Society was boring as hell.
Kuukaku was liking the idea, and Karin entertained the idea more, talking about inviting a bunch of people to actually play baseball here. Well, she actually had someone particular in mind.
Chaos, after all, was a domino effect.
At some point in the conversation, Isshin knew well Karin was doing this as an excuse to see her shinigami boyfriend and Isshin outright rejected the idea.
A few moments later, all the people seated in the dining room got to witness how Karin was having a heated argument with her dad, about this boy she was dating, because it irked her to no end that, Isshin, who was so welcoming of an additional daughter when Karin's Rukia-nee came along, was doing a double-standard thing to the man Karin was in love with.
Why couldn't she spend some time with her boyfriend in his homeland (Soul Society)?!
Because, no matter how much of a genius Toushiro was, Isshin wouldn't make it easy to any guy (even to the genius subordinate) when it concerned his sweet daughters.
In the spur of the moment, Isshin asked Karin just what good qualities she saw in the certain silver-haired captain, and Karin listed all the good things about Toushiro that she liked.
At one moment, Karin spurted out, "And Toushiro is really good at sports! All kinds of sports, even baseball!"
And Isshin just had to challenge her further, just how good was the tiny captain, really?! He might be good at football, but baseball?Toushiro was not even that good.
And thus, this baseball pitch thing, swirled around out of control into another topic, baseball. And unfortunately, it was also about a certain captain of the 10th division.
"I mean, Goat-Chin, I know it was rare to hit home run on the first at bat, but I swear, Toushiro somehow managed it." Karin countered his dad.
Folks, before the minds ever wondered, at this point of the story, baseball was still baseball.
"Well, I am sorry to say this, my sweet daughter, Karin!" The older Shiba puffed out his chest. "It is nothing that impresses me whatsoever!"
Karin gasped, she was this close to standing up and strangling his head, but Yuzu held her. Everyone at the table wasn't too stunned to watch the dynamics of the Kurosakis, except Byakuya. Kuukaku knew the Shiba had it in them, loud and bashful, so she wasn't that surprised. Rukia had spent so much time with the Kurosakis, it was nothing new.
But, poor, poor Byakuya has never familiarized himself with a loud meal time like this, Rukia was this close to holding her brother's hand when she saw her brother gripped his fork and knife a little harder than necessary. Huge cross-popping veins appeared on the noble's forehead and Rukia quickly looked around the room to make sure Senbonzakura wasn't in her brother's reach.
"What is the matter with you?! It IS something!" Karin shouted at her father and pointed at her brother, "Even Ichi-nii here couldn't do it! He couldn't even hit third base, let alone a home run!"
At that, both Ichigo AND Rukia choked hard on their tea.
The morning had just gotten better for Ichigo, but he wasn't fully healed yet, okay, it took time to mend a broken pride, and yet, his sister, in her unknowing glory, just had to scream THAT.
Even though Ichigo knew that no one on this table, but Rukia and he, had a clue of what happened last night, and it was still a pure baseball debate thing, Ichigo still felt like the bread he had just eaten refluxed all back to his throat.
And to make it worse, Ichigo could feel that Rukia was shaking next to him. Holy freaking God, she was muffling her laughter again!
Rukia was not going to live it down, was she?
Screw this. Screw this all to hell and back.
Karin was on a roll. "You can't underestimate Toushiro just because he is smaller than Ichi-nii or any other guy!"
The discussion was way off context, but chaos, chaos couldn't be stopped.
Hearing that, Rukia was this close to losing it. When their eyes met, Ichigo literally glared at his wife. And Rukia had the audacity to softly touch his arm as if she was doing a favor to calm him by doing so, all the while she was biting her upper lip so hard that it almost bled. Her face didn't even seem apologetic at all. She wasn't trying, alright. She wasn't trying anymore (I'm sorry, idiot, this is too hilarious).
Ichigo was this close to bumping his head on the table and stabbed his eyes with the fork in his hand.
And yet, the torture continued, and his sister was not stopping at all. "Look, here, if you want a comparison, Goat-Chin since you always boast about your son," Karin was full-blown standing up now. She had it enough with her father not being supportive of her relationship.
"Ichi-nii may be bigger than Toushiro, but he can't do it, Goat-Chin!"
Ichigo couldn't help it and acted like a fully grown older brother, gritting his teeth in annoyance, "Karin, would you just stop already?"
And stop bringing him into this, for the love of God!
Karin was never afraid of her brother. "No, you shut it, Ichi-nii! It's between me and the old man over here!"
Ichigo sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. There was no way this could end well.
Seeing how stubborn Karin could be, Isshin then started crying dramatically. "OH, MASAKI, OUR DAUGHTER HAS—"
Karin literally punched her dad to shut him up, and started strangling her father. Years of pent-up anger and all the sneaking around with the man she deeply loved did it for her, "Shut up, don't bring mom into this!"
Yuzu was only sitting there with her fork and knife and, "Karin-chan! Karin-chan, stop it!" She wanted to whisper, "Stop it, you're embarrassing us in front of Rukia-neechan's brother!" but Karin was just too angry at their father to care.
Karin yelled again, "Toushiro is faster! Unlike Ichi-nii here, I am sure, Toushiro is more capable to hit a home run on his first at bat!"
At such a display of chaotic meal, Byakuya's forks had bent, his reiatsu firing. Ichigo, now better at sensing someone else's reiatsu, was literally contemplating if he should just go grab Zangetsu in his room.
Ganju who had just joined breakfast just 5 minutes ago, felt the captain's raging reiatsu (he knew it alright), and whispered roughly to Ichigo, "Oi, tell your brother-in-law to calm the hell down!"
The glass and plates on the huge dining table shook and made a clinking sound.
Rukia turned to her brother and held her brother's hand, "Nii-sama, please calm down."
"Rukia, I, not for a moment, have witnessed such a hideous act—at the dining table, no less." Her brother replied through gritted teeth, although his sister's touch on him calmed him a little bit.
Kuukaku's forehead twitched. Clowns, all of them. Stupid clowns. "Oi, Kuchiki! Keep it! What's eating your sorry ass? It's MY HOUSE!"
Yeah, lessons learned. The Shiba and The Kuchiki were going down as the most incompatible in-laws in history.
Byakuya's reiatsu was not calming down, now Ichigo was going to take the matter at hand, "That's it!" he grunted and yelled, reiatsu also firing, "Oi, Byakuya!"
And as if it wasn't chaotic enough, the downfall of the domino had just begun.
Because right at that moment, Renji who had just finished with his morning dump, was taking a turn to the dining room. Behind the wall, he sure wasn't able to listen to the whole context, but Renji got an earful alright. He stopped walking, too stunned to even move his legs.
If only Renji hadn't gone for a morning dump, he'd be here at the dining table on time, he'd understand what the topic was here, and he'd understand that baseball was just baseball.
But, he didn't.
Thus, chaos ensued.
Ichigo's sister's voice that Renji could recognize was a little bit faint, but some parts were clear.
Ichi-nii … couldn't do it!
Ichi-nii… can't do it!
… Ichi-nii … couldn't even hit third base… let alone a home run!
Ichi-nii… bigger, BUT… Toushiro… smaller…faster… UNLIKE Ichi-nii… more capable… hit a home run!
His eyes widened. WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?!
He knew that sister of Ichigo was snarky but wasn't this too much?!
The Kurosakis were a bunch of weirdos and fucked up in the head.
It was their brother of all people, how could they do this to him?!
So, Renji, all in his green yukata glory, barged in there and literally shouted to everyone in the room from the top of his lungs, acting mighty like a freaking peacekeeper. "Hey, hey, HEY, HEY!"
Everyone was startled by Renji's sudden outburst. Karin stopped strangling her dad at the moment, and even Byakuya's raging reiatsu calmed a little bit at his subordinate's grand entrance to the dining room.
There was no stopping Renji now. He walked toward everyone, making eyes with every each of the involved party, and his face was serious, "SHAME ON YOU! Shame on all of you!"
"I can't believe you guys are talking about this!" Renji shouted, thinking that he was pulling off the wisdom thing very well.
Kuukaku was almost satisfied that, at least, at least there was one SANE guest in this whole circus show.
Or NOT.
"Now, WHATEVER HAPPENED IN THE BEDROOM SHOULD'VE STAYED IN THE BEDROOM."
What. The. Fuck.
Ichigo stiffened, his brain just malfunctioned right there right now, and there was a shiver running down his entire spine.
Renji was pointing his finger at each of the individuals there, walking around the huge table, arms crossed, like a freaking top military sergeant disciplining his subordinates.
"THE PROBLEM IN THE BEDROOM IS BETWEEN A MAN AND HIS WOMAN," Renji pointed an accusing finger at Ichigo AND Rukia.
Oh, MY GOD.
Ichigo gasped.
Kill him. Kill him now.
Rukia quickly twisted her head to face her husband, her mouth agape in shock, and… oh, my God! What the hell is that lunatic blabbering about?! Rukia mouthed it to Ichigo, but her husband was already too stunned to stop Renji.
It was comical how Ichigo opened his mouth and closed it again and opened it again and closed it again like gaping fish. And the war hero was hyperventilating as if both of his lungs had failed him, because, WHAT IS HAPPENING?
Renji was unstoppable. He continued circling around the table, arms crossed, face annoyed and stern, strongly believing in himself that he was bringing JUSTICE for his FALLEN BROTHER, Ichigo.
"Alright?! Now, you guys, as his family, should know better!"
Renji stopped midway to point at Karin and Isshin. Then, he circled the table again, still acting like a freaking major in war, and stopped behind Ichigo to squeeze and pat his stiffened shoulders.
"ICHIGO HERE IS DOING THE BEST HE CAN." Renji glared at Ichigo's family.
ALRIGHT. That's ENOUGH. Ichigo basically screamed in his mind, but couldn't find the voice to save his dignity out loud.
Finally getting his composure back, Ichigo sprung out of his chair and yelled at the top of his lung, grabbing Renji by his collar and almost strangling him to death, "YOU IDIOT! I DON'T think they were talking about IT!"
Wait, what?
WHAT?!
Renji's eyes widened to the point his eyes almost fell out. The shock on Renji's face should be captured and figured in the museum of Soul Society, really.
Ganju laughed then, hysterically lying on the freaking floor. "YEAH, WE WEREN'T, YOU FREAK! But now let's get into THAT! So, what's this about Ichigo's performance in the bed—"
"ENOUGH!" Kuukaku put her brother in a headlock to stop him.
"Oh, my GOD, Ichi-nii?!" Karin shrieked and turned to her brother. And Yuzu was just too red to function, she was this close to fainting.
Isshin stood up next, and also turned to Ichigo, "SON?!"
Byakuya didn't say anything, but his eyes were making holes in Ichigo's amber ones, which made Ichigo's already failing lungs failed him even more.
There was a popping, throbbing vein on Kuukaku's forehead.
CLOWNS. All of them freaking clowns.
Ichigo's last two brain cells couldn't even think of anything right now. Just, what the fuck?! Say anything! Say anything to save his freaking dignity. ANYTHING WILL DO.
Feeling everyone's stare at him, Ichigo felt like he lost the tonus in his calves, his legs LEGIT failed him too just like his lungs, so he sat down and slumped back in his seat.
Rukia, still acting mighty like a dotting wife, held him and patted his chest, and pulled him closer to her so that his head rested on the crook between her neck and shoulder as if by keeping her husband in her arms would protect him in this situation. Despite her laughter earlier, Rukia insisted she was indeed a dotting wife.
Trust the devoted wife and the captain of the 13th division to save the day.
"Can we please just stop talking about my husband here?" Rukia tried so hard to make it easier for Ichigo, but deep down, she knew, there was no way the situation was salvageable.
It was not salvageable AT ALL.
Whatever self-control that Byakuya mustered earlier had cracked and the captain stood up next. His reiatsu firing again, he turned to his subordinate. "Renji,"
Ichigo REALLY didn't have any other life in his soul for this.
"Ye…yes, Taichou?" Renji asked, nervous. His life was on the line. Ichigo AND Rukia were going to kill him for sure. There was no way he'd survive another day.
"Do tell. Are you implying that Kurosaki Ichigo failed to fulfill his duty as a devoted husband to my sister?"
"Oh, my God, Nii-sama!" It was Rukia, still holding Ichigo next to her.
Ichigo was closing his eyes but he could still decipher the danger in his brother-in-law's voice. This bastard was calm as hell, but his reiatsu was not!
"ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT." Isshin couldn't take it anymore and sprung up next and went straight for the head of the Kuchiki clan. "Oi, Byakuya! WHAT THE HELL? FAILING HIS DUTY? My son IS better than THAT!"
Byakuya's eyes narrowed to slit, mocking his in-law in every way. "Oh?"
"Surely my vice captain's perspicuous testimonial back then proved us otherwise."
There was a clear throbbing, thunderclap headache in Ichigo's head.
This. Bastard.
But, chaos. Chaos didn't get better until it got worse.
"MEN. WE ALL KNOW THIS THING HAPPENS!" Isshin yelled, not slightly afraid of the Kuchiki captain.
There was no way Isshin would let Kuchiki Byakuya trample all over Kurosaki Men's pride like that!
Now, Isshin was nothing but a dotting and loving father. He would PROTECT his son's DIGNITY at all costs, otherwise, he'd never be able to face Masaki.
"Now MY SON, here," Isshin patted Ichigo on the chest (poor guy literally just went lifeless in his wife's embrace now), "my son here…" Isshin took a deep breath. Kuchiki fucking Byakuya, how dare HE.
Isshin patted Ichigo's chest one more time, puffed his chest out, and showed the head of the Kuchiki clan his clenched fist. "MY SON HERE… IS NOT A SEX MACHINE."
"DAD?!" Karin shrieked once more.
"Oh, my God, Daddy!" Even Yuzu was now standing up. She couldn't take it anymore. Her face was so red. She felt bad for her Onii-chan, and she was so embarrassed in front of the in-laws!
Rukia shook her head and literally just glared at Ichigo, "why is your family… your dad?!" The calm Kuchiki was this close to snap now, alright, the ridicule has got to stop!
Ichigo, lifting up his head from the crook of her neck, glared back at his wife and grunted, "why is your family Byakuya?!"
Isshin, on the other hand, was not stopping. "Now, I don't want to hear anymore peep from you about my son's capability to satisfy his wife!" Isshin didn't care the cold Kuchiki Captain was sending daggers his way, but Byakuya Kuchiki had been on his nerves since DAY ONE of his son's wedding planning with his dearest third daughter.
Byakuya scoffed, somehow still in an elegant way. "The matter at hand does imply some horrid circumstances. My clan expected—"
"Oh, YOU, just ENOUGH with the HEIR!" Isshin knew what this was about. The Kuchiki Captain had been crazy about heir the moment he gave permission for his sister to marry Isshin's son. "My grandchild IS NOT becoming a KUCHIKI."
Byakuya gritted his teeth. His reiatsu was now shaking the walls of the Shiba's mansion and Kuukaku was NOT happy about it. His words were scornful. "That's rhetoric, Kurosaki Isshin. How are we declaiming here about an heir, when your son, evidently, is unable to deliver—"
"WHY YOU—" Isshin jumped at Byakuya who calmly maintained his ground despite the wave of raging reiatsu behind him. Renji was quick to restrain the former captain of the 10th division,
Byakuya knew his move was greatly influenced by his wavering will to actually let go of his sister, so Byakuya very well knew his action was ridden with an ulterior motive. If he could find the gap to have this marriage annulled, he'd use it.
The Kuchiki Captain was on to his brother-in-law now. "Kurosaki Ichigo, when I granted you the permission to marry my sister, I was very well under the impression that you had no issue with your virility. Had I known that you're incapable to consummate your marriage—"
Holy. Freaking. Shit.
Ichigo took a deep angry breath and sprung up from his seat. "ALRIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH." He sent his piercing glare to Byakuya, dignity lost and broken forever be damned, he had got enough of this freak show!
Kuukaku's house shook even more that now Ichigo's reiatsu was rising up to fight Byakuya.
"This is INSANE. I don't have a problem with my virility—"
Byakuya was NOT happy with the answer. "So, what are you implying, you bastard, are you claiming that my sister is the one with the prob—"
WHAT. This stupid bastard was taking things too far in the wrong conclusion!
Ichigo's eyes widened and lost his self-control altogether, he jumped at the Kuchiki Captain. He grabbed the Kuchiki by the collar...
... and all hell went loose.
"You son of a bitch, I DIDN'T say THAT."
There was no way Ichigo was going to make Rukia think less of herself because of this… this stupid unfortunate event! Rukia was everything to him.
Renji knew his fate was doomed but he was trying to do damage control as good as he could before the Rukongai became a witness to a fight between the two strongest shinigami in The Gotei 13. "T…Taichou, I believe Ichigo didn't mean that!"
Ichigo kept fighting Renji, cursing under his breath to let him go, but Renji managed to hold both his arms from strangling his captain, "I mean! I mean, WE ALL KNOW, Taichou! How much of a SIMP this dumbass is for Rukia from DAY ONE!"
Renji was trying here. And Kami-sama, he was trying HARD. "I am sure even just a mere mental image of Rukia in her captain haori and flicking her hair is enough to keep HIS GEAR RUNNING, Taichou!"
What the heck was this baboon saying?! Ichigo got out of Renji's grasp and punched the man straight in the face. "YOU! I'm going to KILL YOU!"
A second punch was on the way, but Renji was snatched away from Ichigo, surprisedly by Rukia. The 13th division captain wasted no time punching Renji in the stomach, "No, I am the one who is going to kill him!"
Seeing that Renji had already been taken care of, Ichigo turned to the crazy captain of the 6th division again. Byakuya was sending death threats all over the orange-haired shinigami by just a look alone. "Now, I am telling you, you bastard, I have no problem consummating this freaking marriage! In fact,"
Ichigo's scowl had never been worse, "In fact, I will consummate this marriage, right here, right now!"
Ichigo was panting in anger. "Not because you won't believe me, you prick, but because I CAN!"
"WHAT. Ichigo?!" It was Rukia now sending her husband death threats.
Stupid, idiotic, foolish, husband.
Renji, escaping Rukia's wrath already, whispered behind him and patted his arm. "Way to go to save your dignity, Ichigo, way to go." Ichigo punched him again in the face without even turning around.
"Why you—Kurosaki Ichigo, you, barbarous scoundrel, come fight me, you bastard—"
Byakuya was about to fire a bakudo in Ichigo's direction, but Rukia quickly ran to separate her brother and her husband, standing there between the two men she loved the most in the whole world and trying to calm her Nii-sama with a gentle touch on his chest.
"Rest assured, Nii-sama!" Rukia literally thought she should get a trophy for how many times she had done damage control today (or NOT). "Please mind Ichigo's rude remarks, you know he's never good with words, Nii-sama, but his heart is in the right place. He means good,"
Ichigo only rolled his eyes at Rukia's blatant acting and speech.
"Believe me, Nii-sama, you have nothing to worry about. It was only a one-time thing! This thing happens. It never happens before, Ichi was just tired. I, very well, know Ichigo has no problem at all consummating the marriage!"
Byakuya's eye twitched in anger.
WRONG answer.
Even though he was usually the thicker one in the relationship, Ichigo's eyes widened too and yelled at his wife. "Rukia, what the heck?!"
Byakuya gritted his teeth dangerously. "Do enlighten me, Rukia, how are you capable to acquire this knowledge and strong belief about Kurosaki Ichigo's former performance in bed before last night?"
It was just then Rukia realized what she had said WRONG and her adorable violet eyes went huge.
From the look on his sister's face, Byakuya got the answer.
And the nobleman didn't like it. He DIDN'T LIKE IT AT ALL.
There was a silence. A murderous silence.
Ichigo somehow knew that this bastard was going to blow the whole place down.
Kuukaku Shiba was not having it, "Oi, Kuchiki, if you tear down my house, I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL, goddamnit—"
There was a freaking EARTHQUAKE and Kuukaku fell to her knees.
Karin and Yuzu had toppled down, and Ganju was already running away to save Bonnie-chan, Renji was on his four knees, trying to maintain balance, and Isshin, with his Captain-level reiatsu still could hold his ground and summon Engetsu.
"Rukia…"
"Nii-sama, please, I can explain," Rukia tried again to salvage the situation. Just, oh my God, why the hell did she say that?!
"Byakuya, come on…" Ichigo sighed, running his hand through his orange mane, kind of tired of this already.
Somehow, Ichigo was already prepared for what was coming to him. Been there, done that. Sakura petals coming after him be damned.
"Rukia... You're telling me that this bastard has DEFILED you BEFORE the wedding night?"
It was kind of brave how Rukia still maintained her ground all the while.
But, now, it was Rukia's turn to gape like a fish, opening her mouth and closing it again and opening it again and closing it again.
The petite shinigami turned to face Ichigo behind her, giving him the LOOK that kind of said, Ichigo, sorry, I did the best I can, but whatever, just please don't die fighting against my brother.
Chaos. Chaos didn't get better until it got worse.
"Scatter, Senbonzakura Kageyoshi."
"Damnit, here we go again." Ichigo mumbled when he saw the Sakura petals coming after him.
His lowest of the low, indeed.
AN: Damn, poor Ichigo XD I imagine if the Shiba and the Kuchiki became in-laws, they would be chaotic like this hahaha. Man, we really are robbed for that, aren't we?
Oh yeah and rest assured everyone, Ichigo DIT IT in the end *LMAO* :D
Ok then, excuse me, I will get back writing 700 Days and Little Miracle before my vacation ends :D
Thanks again for reading! Please? Pretty please tell me what you think? :D :D
