No longer a Star

by Starmegalo

Emilia makes a mistake that she will come to regret. It starts a chained reaction. With young half-elf having a good time with Julius. Subaru was not pleased and he would not just stand there and watch. See Subaru shoving the truths to Emilia's face. Emilia starts to learn her feelings for him... but will she be able to reach his heart?

Extinguished Star became a thing and stole my throne of fastest updating author. It's post arc 7 and the author is such a chill guy.

Stingasher wrote Love Line. Best Vainglory, from chapter 1 instantly. It's also a confirmed Chadbaru story and he already put so much woman unlike me who were stuck in the suffering part.

Before I could write Pandora Sealed came back.

Odyssey getting into Gusteko Arc... it was already high tier now there is no catching up.(Man I always forget how Odyssey was written, was checking up then forgot to update text)

Everyone flexing with their good awesome fics(read all of them lmao) what should Chadbaru movement Leader should do?

"Let's write a Lone Star like fic that has no Lone Star in it but every time people gets damaged by it they can heal by reading it."

Yeah it's dumb. Should've write Star IF instead of surpassing the whole word count of it in a single chapter but no! You don't understand. Quality difference. Plus I was agonizing while writing this at beginning because of non-chad energy. But had to write. Now it's here.

Gonna get hate so much hate for this.. so much controversial shit is here. And not to mention this is probably bad. Definitely didn't worth it . Should've write more Star IF.

Take it Pupil. Here is your Lone star with effort. It's not Lone Star btw. Just a bit from that as a theme. I hope you guys like it.

No. This is not a one-shot. Just prologue. Star If is 20k and it's still in the prologue. Long prologues are my trademark at this point.

And Blue lightning! I shall deliver chapter 4 early as I can. I am a free man now!

---

He was drowning…

Not because of despair. Not because of everything that was occurring. He was drowning because of the realization that came after. All of this… was a fragile story built by him. His choices create this happy band of friends.

The punishments that were created to hold him back so that satisfaction would be possible.

In the end. He was the only one holding himself back.

The things he had forgotten and avoided were all because so that he could keep connected with this fake reality of his.

He had avoided the truth that he was getting disliked.

He was forsaken.

Getting rejected all the time.

Even so… there was some sort of light in these people. He could keep the focus on it. An idealized light and colors of course. He knew that nothing can be so good. He also experienced the darkness inside of them, all of them.

Emilia left him. Tried to distance herself from him without asking him… her reasons for protecting him hurt him and he was desperate. For those reasons and his wish to not be left alone… he did desperate things, that desperate things became things that give her reason to leave him alone.

Beatrice was hostile to him. At first. It was so hard. So painful. But in the end, she was the most colorful. He had to appreciate her to the fullest. Colorful, Beautiful, cute, ever trustworthy, little sister, partner. Beatrice.

Ram. There was a time she had accepted him from the beginning at least.

Rem. My Rem.

Roswaal. Even though you had to not suspect me that time… you did.

I should be unlikeable. Someone who had been obedient to a book for 400 years suspected it when it came to me. He could not believe it when his sacred text called me someone important, how ridiculous...

Subaru didn't know. Probably none of these things truly mattered.

Because in the end. The idealization of 'friends.' started to break down.

It all started with the girl he thought was his star.

But she wasn't.

He had to find his true star… or why does he have to find anyone at all? Why so urgent? Forcing relationships… he won't do that anymore if someone rejects him…THAT MEANS THEY REJECTED HIM, it's he finds someone then that's it. He won't pursue it with force anymore. He no longer needed excuses or any person to move forward.

It was time to see the world as it is. And people too… even if they are his friends.

Earlier…

---

It was a beautiful morning, the sun had risen, birds were singing and it was a time after months of peace.

After slowly opening his eyes, Subaru was also quite happy, seeing a light nightmare instead of the ones that haunt him all the time. He was happy just with that.

Subaru's light nightmares were highlighting the more physical pain he gained from his past… it was a questionable opinion to call that a 'light' nightmare.

But Subaru wasn't wrong. His 'Dreams' are usually crafted in a way to make him suffer. A world created to show him that there will always be pain and it has no end.

It showed that… Subaru was in fact getting more and more adapted to pain.

Adapting to pain faster than fate creates even greater ones was an inhuman feat that only one person achieved. That was him, Natsuki Subaru.

With that adaption. With that growing unmerciful determination, Subaru had decided to take a darker path. Never looking back and moving forward no matter what happens… It would most likely increase his death count.

But Subaru, at his heart, still didn't reach that conclusion of needing to die.

He did not lie to himself anymore… "I don't want to die" wasn't how he felt. It was more like "I won't let it end" Which embraced death in some sense.

It wasn't as if he couldn't do it. He had realized this. It was just… the more he dies, the more he is disconnected from this world. That's why he could not choose a path where he accumulates death. Standing at the top means you are alone too.

The more he dies, the more this life becomes not something to experience but just something to mix into his incomprehensible determination.

Subaru wouldn't lose his humanity to get stronger. He would truly embrace it. Because in the end the essence of the person called Natsuki Subaru was the inability to give up.

Subaru, at the core of his heart, did not want to die because of that. His low self-worth already accepted the fact that… any suffering can be adapted. But Subaru did not want to lose the warmth of his friends.

No. It was far more than that. Subaru came to this world. A new world. Where he can start over. Where he can be happy and satisfied. Subaru was ready to be in love with this world.

But then… the truth was the world hated him.

So, Natsuki Subaru wouldn't be able to love this world as he wished. At least he could be connected to it.

To connect to this world… He needed to see a future he wanted to reach.

A colorful future.

"Nhya… hmmm." Slowly by making cute noises. Subaru heard Beatrice getting awake.

'I would call her a cat but can not imagine something more cute and cuddly. So, he started to pet her.

"Eheheheeh hmmm, I suppose… In fact" But even if Beatrice indulge in his hand fully while making cute noises, she wouldn't awake, Beako really something else!' Subaru waits for her to open her eyes.

For twenty minutes. She kept making noises. And Subaru couldn't stop since it was too cute…then he finally gained some temporary immunity.

"Beako. It's about time." He said gently. Perhaps too gentle, he wouldn't be this merciful to Emilia when she slept too much. She was a heavy sleeper and she needed so much time to start her system.

'She wakes up one hour earlier to spend that hour to wake up properly… Sleepy Emilia-tan is so cute!'

This was one of the things he learned in the new time of peace. Emilia was having a really hard time getting up. And he would love the days when she would fail to get up early so that he can enjoy her sleepy state while forcing her out. It was one of the things Subaru looked forward to in the mornings, but it was rare so when it happened he would be watching a rare cuteness.

It was a precious event that would happen sometimes but it would make the whole day better!

But now… it was someone else making his day better… Like all days he is with her.

"Hmmyaaa~ If Betty's Subaru wants her to awaken then he should stop with his head pat I suppose… the effect they have just made Betty doesn't want to get out of the bed." With her facts? Beatrice stated the reasoning for her stubbornness.

"Hmm… Then I will stop. Sorry Beako"

"Ha? What are you talking about I suppose! IT'S TOO LATE IN FACT! If you stop now… Betty will remain here anyway, in fact! So keep doing it until Betty is satisfied! Ho Ho ho ho~" She was talking smugly like a villain… her tone rising continuously while explaining her villainous plan.

Subaru has lost. But he really needed to get out of bed… and train.

But to be honest it's not like Subaru had to do anything at all. He had done far more than anyone expected of him… and his training wasn't expected from him too. Actually, no one expected any fighting strength from Subaru. It was all him doing. Hence why Beatrice thought it was okay to monopolize his contractor. No one would get mad if he rested for a day. And today half-elf wasn't here.

And when it comes to monopolization…

No one else could do it after all. The half-elf girl was too naive and she doubted she had the womanly charm or intelligence to monopolize Subaru for herself even if she began such adventures. Not to mention that would require certain realizations and understanding not to mention thoughtfulness… She lacked and failed in all of them. Though she hit well to Subaru's preferences.

Maids had a bad taste in men also a factor. Leaving a red-haired girl alone… Frederica was no different. She could sense she had a bit of liking towards Roswaal or perhaps that creepy butler? Didn't matter. To her, any woman who doesn't look at Subaru had bad taste. She would prefer that way actually.

Petra. She was dangerous. She had something that could evaporate the whole Emilia camp when it came to The Subaru race.

Common sense.

Beatrice while… couldn't accept that she didn't possess any of it. She still knew she lacked in that aspect. It didn't help that her mother was a witch so she just put all the blame on her.

And then… that girl.

…

'Now thinking about it… That blue-haired girl. To make this much impact in his life… perhaps. She loved Subaru openly as one can love someone…' If only she knew how right she was. Rem would probably have Subaru for herself long before anyone would realize it. But her misfortune didn't allow that. And she knew about her only from Subaru. Who had the ability to…

Remember the things even the world has forgotten.

Which could not be explained even by her 400 years worth of knowledge.

'Only If I could be more honest' Is what Beatrice thought. It wasn't as if she was talking about love in the same sense as any other person. Beatrice was trying to become what Subaru needed. And that required what Subaru wanted from her. Herself.

Though she still doesn't get why she is getting called daughter? Betty was older, far older! That didn't make sense!

With that thought… she made it obvious she was getting succumbed to Subaru more and more, subconsciously already accepting the little sister role.

"Man… This plan is too perfect. I just can't escape no matter the route, am I? If I stop, you won't leave. I don't, you get sleepy… This is just too good. I am trapped in a Paradox!. The incomprehensible theory of head pats defeated me!" Of course… This was Natsuki Subaru. So…

"Hmh… It's… good that… you know your place I suppose!" She tried to act confident…

"Yes. I am totally defeated. With no hope in sight!"

…

"Yes. Yes. Praise Betty more… In fact"

"Yep. Beako was the perfect villain. I always had a weakness against cuteness."

"Hmh!"

…

10 minutes. Still patting her head.

…

"Betty is… awesome I suppose"

"Yes!"

…

'Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!' She kept making grumpy noises.

'How long can you keep this up?'

…

…

"Subaru…"

"Yes?"

"I…hmm… The weather is nice, I suppose"

"How do you know the weather though?! The curtains are still closed!"

"BETTY KNOWS EVERYTHING GOING ON INSIDE OF THE MANSION I SUPPOSE! NOW KEEP PETTING ME!"

"... The weather is outsi-"

"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN IN FACT! NOW KEEP DOING YOUR JOB, CONTRACTOR!"

'Why did it feel like I have been called a slave?!'

…

30 minutes passed. Beatrice was reigning supreme-

"... Can't…"

"Hmm what happened? Are you fine, Beako?" Her contractor… looking absolutely clueless.

But she knew… he was the villain. Big bad villain.

"Take it anymore I suppose!"

"What that supposed to mean Villain-sama?"

"Take that title for yourself, in fact! You just kept playing with Betty's heart for so long I suppose… Teasing a maiden like me for so long. Kept doing it without giving me any chance for me to get free… You kept me from getting free from my GREED I suppose! How could you?!"

"Eheheheheheeh. Well. It's all your fault. Making it come to this point. You could give up far sooner. You were the stubborn one!"

"AHHHHHHHHHH! Your aggravating nature didn't change I suppose! Will you tell me what that word means?" Beatrice changed her tone and accepted her defeat. She couldn't prevail against her greed.

'Greed… huh?' Subaru started to think.

If she had given up from momentary pleasure. She could have a day of lasting joy because Subaru wouldn't mind staying with her for a day. And she would get her pleasure eventually because Subaru would tell her in the end. But she made the wrong choice. Even if it was a game created between them out of nowhere. The choices are the things that show personality.

One can never be satisfied enough. Once you get the pleasure… you get high and feel super good.

But to get that pleasure, at the exact same level. One needs to consume 2 times or maybe even more of what they consumed.

And again… pleasure is fleeting. So the high they reached will drop.

And to get it again… One needs to do even more.

Even more.

Even more.

Even more.

But while joy won't give you the same result. It can keep you content in its own way.

And it will last far too long.

That was human… This conclusion reached by Subaru, this wisdom Subaru gained from simple things in his life was nothing incomprehensible.

It was totally human.

Seeking pleasure over and over again. It had nothing to do with being a Witch.

Echidna's hunger for knowledge wasn't insatiable because she is that way… she simply chose the 'pleasure' option too much. Normally humans cannot choose that option and would be stuck at some point. You can buy a car, a better one, even a luxurious one… then what? Maybe you start the same thing with the Jets? But even that has a limit.

You shall hit an upper limit no matter what.

That's where being a Witch comes into play.

The authority gives one the ability to press the 'Pleasure' button more and more. Instead of learning from their mistakes. They can just choose to not get out of their comfort zone.

He wants to teach that to Beatrice. Echidna isn't all evil. But if Beatrice is going to reveal her as 'Mother' then she should act like a 'Daughter'.

A daughter would understand from their observation when their parents make a mistake… And will write that down in her head and even point that out. This will lead the daughter to not make the same mistakes.

But in this case, to live and stay beside a Witch. One needs to accept their nature.

That's why. Instead of trying to understand her, and point out wrongs… one just accepts it as 'incomprehensibility' and calls it the nature of a 'Witch' and moves on. That's what Roswaal was doing. That was what Beatrice was doing.

Hell… Subaru knows that even Witches don't like each other's obsession but even they just are fine with calling a 'Witch' thing and move on.

I didn't want Beatrice to be like that. Someone ignoring such acts and behaviors and getting accustomed to them.

Or even being affected.

This already happened. It is not hard for me to see Beatrice's 'Witch' like behaviors. Some of them are just characteristics of Echidna… not that damaging.

But she was also unfeeling towards many things.

'Taking your 'Brother's' destructive behavior as something normal…' I do not want Beatrice to be unfeeling towards such actions.

Even I… am sinful of that.

I do not know where that will be taking me. Since Emilia…

Emilia does not question anything when it comes to Puck.

She somewhat managed to look at his actions fondly, when he blocked her memories and her mana reserves

It's really. Unfair.

'It's really unfair when I am judged so thoroughly about breaking promises but this guy can just add his own thing to the contract whenever… I do not know what to make of it. He stopped Emilia from facing everything… creating a comfort zone like those witches and Roswaal… No, all of these exceptional beings with power created zones that they are comfortable with'

Ram. I do not know what, but she was exceptional. Extremely so. She can just disregard anything and everything when she focuses on either Roswaal or Rem.

Roswaal was also delusional. Since after the events of Sanctuary I realized he is totally delusional. He is not the smart mastermind I thought of him as. When I reached this mansion for the first time, he acted in a way that he didn't know me. Make mistakes. I could easily leave this place. Not to mention… I am more or less sure that Roswaal was aware of Rem's unpredictability. There is no way Rem was in that tome, since she was a direct challenge to his effort of making me someone who only saves Emilia.

I also know that the Mabeast incident wasn't ordered by him.

But even someone smart as Roswaal… with so many errors put into his face. I can avoid reality. If he did see it as it was he would panic. Since there were deviations from the tome ever since the beginning.

He never questioned how the fuck the 'Mama' ordered Meili knew the exact order Roswaal made, how can she exactly know Roswaal is going to give an order when he did in Sanctuary, I know he did use something to communicate with them since they started their approach every time I left the sanctuary.

Then how is this person… knows the exact order that was going to be given?

I deduce that she knew because… How else can she give a very specific order?

That unknown person managed to change the order from "Kill the Spirit in the Library" to "Kill little, middle, and big maids too" The exact order. With the perfect knowledge that makes them kill everyone that is left alive by Roswaal.

Both Roswaal and Echidna have gaps in their knowledge.

First Roswaal, he called the gospel defective text. But that should be wrong… since that woman knew exactly what order would be given by Roswaal.

'This is a direct feat… dammit. It's not like I don't want to believe Rosichi's book overpowers the mass-produced one. Not to mention one that every enemy uses.'

But instead of 'knowledge', I shall trust the facts.

If an enemy can make Elsa submit and make Meili not fear death. Then the answer is obvious…

Sin Archbishop.

It's about time. The next one is her. I know how to learn her name… but I don't want to scare Meili. Or… literally anyone… My method will definitely… most definitely scare and draw suspicion especially from. Roswaal.

And Clind.

'And then… the fact that these books draw knowledge from the world… trying to counter me means I do not…'

Subaru stopped his thoughts for a while… kept patting Beatrice, who was weirded out by his silence but didn't interrupt. Subaru didn't know why but it was something her mother also did. A weird resemblance that makes the vision of 'Contractor' and 'Mother' overlap.

The Gospel and The Tome of Wisdom reacting to me.

That clearly meant…

I do not leave anything behind at all.

I do not change worlds with death.

This was something Subaru realized right after he actually 'won' against Roswaal. But he couldn't tell anyone. He actually wanted to tell Roswaal regardless of the consequences.

Roswaal isn't an ally. But he is similar to Echidna. He would listen.

If Subaru was transporting to exact parallel worlds then he would simply be disregarded. Because if Subaru cannot change the destined future of the world after death, then 'Memory of the world' simply has to defeat him once.

'But somewhat…' A scary proclamation.

But what if the world knows…

Subaru cuts his thoughts. While he was finally 'brave' enough to accept he wasn't transferring worlds hence so many of the chains held his back broke. He didn't want to go further. His subconscious avoidance had to have some sort of reason. And then he had a promise.

That doesn't matter though.

Fury starts to burn inside Subaru with a slight feeling of love. Remembering her.

Satella.

Satella's and Echidna's past impressions and future ones were the exact opposite.

Satella first eased Subaru and Subaru's expression of her was positive not to mention he now accepts the fact that there is 'love' that is for her inside of him.

Echidna was the wicked one but saved him. Subaru was furious.

But that changed after sanctuary. The peacetime made him think.

The fact was… Satella absolutely told nothing of worth.

Satella didn't reach any understanding about Subaru. It was all her wishes for him to not get hurt and so on… she didn't think about the implications of such a wish or what it meant for Subaru.

Satella was drunk on her own story to understand Subaru. She was carrying some sort of guilt… perhaps that was because she destroyed half of the world.

But Subaru did not care about that. He despised the fact that she was so self-centered. It's almost as if he was wishing for her to understand him.

She didn't do anything.

The promise he made. He did not care one bit.

The reason Subaru chose that path was because of no one but himself. Satella was an excuse.

Subaru loved Satella too much and it was perfect when she only spoke empty emotional words, he added his own meaning and used it to the fullest.

Satella and Emilia had so many similarities for him and he doesn't even think about appearances… If you ask Subaru, there was a giant gap between Emilia who adored her own colors from her own past. From her hairpin that she was silent about its meaning to Puck who chooses her clothes, hair and everything as if she is a doll.

Subaru hated to admit it. But it was something else when someone whispered love to him while in his color scheme and to his tastes in absolute. Subaru finds some wicked satisfaction in that. Possessiveness. And thanks to Satella's proclamation of love it wasn't something he felt regret or self-hate.

Satella was useless when it comes to the 'thinking' and 'conflict' part. But she was open about her emotions and she gave the feeling of being 'his' perfectly.

Even as someone with low self-worth as him… It felt so good to be able to feel possessive and other strong emotions without hating himself.

Emilia was different yet so similar. When she had caressed his head in her lap… Emilia was just trying to do something good and pay her debt. She had no understanding of his struggle and even before Subaru said anything she just believed he wouldn't tell her. In the end, her words carried no understanding and hence were empty.

He inserted all the meaning he wanted… as if Emilia understood anything.

But Subaru knew deep down even if he told anything she wouldn't understand. She wasn't seeking such knowledge with effort anyway… When he was hurt by Mabeasts and other times. Emilia stayed ignorant to the end. Just with Puck's words.

Puck was Emilia's comfort zone… no. People like Puck.

After the trial, Emilia learned about him adding things to contract, about how he sealed her mana, how it affected her mind, and even stopped her from looking at mirrors. And the effect of these things. Subaru learned after a while that Emilia did not in fact realize how many problems these things caused and these weaknesses were the literal reason why Roswaal tried to use her against him.

Emilia did not think about this thing enough… in the end. Subaru paid for her weakness.

Subaru also thought Emilia… had a hard time. But in the end, he learned that she didn't try to connect with people even while seeking normal relationships. Seven years, she just wiped the snow out of statues…, ironically, not because of Puck but her own choice. So Subaru hardly put all the blame on Puck when it comes to her own past. He wanted to, but that would not be the truth.

Emilia, instead of trying harder and moving forward, decided to crush herself under the guilt of something she did not remember for 7 years. This did not make sense. But her comfort zone was being hated. She was getting called a witch for her whole life and screamed she was Emilia and not the witch… for her whole life. But Subaru knew the truth because now he knows why.

The only time she was actually 'Satella' was when someone that didn't hate her appeared. She called herself that when it came to Subaru.

But it was the same thing for trying to learn everything there is when this attempt itself suffered Echidna. And created her insatiable greed.

It was the same thing when that witch just stays in her state of hunger when it's conceptual… Subaru felt that hunger because of her right eye. In the end, it wasn't natural. So it was her comfort zone, no matter how insane it is to have a comfort zone in hunger. That was her delusion.

Waiting for 400 years. One time he asked Beatrice… if anyone 'kind' tried to save her. She was silent. Subaru knew there was thanks to that reaction. But Beatrice instead stayed in her comfort zone of suffering the same thing to escape the inevitable pain if she accepted that 'kind' person and if 'they' were to die.

Roswaal believed the book he had most. But in the end… it was inferior to the gospel. One way or another. The person who made the gospel was more efficient than Echidna.

Instead of detailed instructions, vague statements were given. And the book would know how users would respond to them so… vagueness would not have any negativity.

It was genius.

And Echidna…

Subaru finally accepted the truth. He did not dislike her or hated her. Echidna acted differently and changed constantly throughout their adventure. Believing that all was an act was easy but so many things did not add up.

Echidna constantly cornered Subaru anyway… that's not how you act to get someone close to you.

And the only time Echidna hesitated was comforting Subaru… She did and he was grateful for it. But it also surprised Subaru that if she was acting for the Return by Death… why she didn't jump into that situation. And instead was honest with him, who she lied to many times… She lied to only him after all. ONLY HIM.

In the end. There were things Echidna was wrong about… like the inability to figure out that their parallel world theory was impossible. She did not know and hid from Subaru because if she knew and told her it would be beneficial for her.

Dying was easier when you left nothing behind after all.

In the end, Echidna was wrong about many things but her words… always held meaning, and their struggle together to learn… was something he could not have with anyone else.

Echidna was conflicted throughout their relationship. Subaru was happy about that.

And no one could fill the gap she made.

If Subaru had more time and wasn't challenged by Roswaal, who had found that chance thanks to Emilia who avoided so many things with the help of Puck…

Garfiel had problems. Frederica… who submits to a vow without thinking about consequences…

It was as if literally everything was against them communicating properly

In the end even with his win… he was salty about so many things… Emilia does not care when Puck trembles on promises but leaves him when he does with good reason and in a bad mindset… in a very bad mindset.

Emilia's perception was biased against the people she liked. Puck was one of them and now she gained more. It really pissed him off.

He heard her mumbling about 'Guese' which he had to run away to hide his scowl and not lash out at her.

At some time he thought if the man was actually a good person but there was just no fucking way.

At the second trial… When Puck recovered his memories in one of the worlds he talked about a 'trial' to revive the witch. Which the Petelguese knew. If Petelguse was sane before Emilia frozen then he knew the trial… and thinking about how Emilia resembled Satella, he was sure that guy was up to no good.

He also knew there wasn't a chance that Petelguse joined the witch cult after he got mad… presumably because of the witch factor.

Beatrice knew he was in the cult. So he was a member of the cult even 400 years ago. Knowing a trial to revive the witch… was suspicious.

Emilia of course… thought nothing of that. But Subaru was sure she had enough hints to know that he was in fact up to no good.

But Emilia's perception apparently was making her look in good sight to everyone but Subaru.

He cannot believe Echidna let her pass the trial. With so many delusions. But he knows how that happened. After all, only giving an answer was required. It didn't matter how wrong the thought process was or emotions affecting the answer.

But Subaru had enough thinking of these things… he learned so much ever since he left the sanctuary just by revising everything he lived so far.

Emilia showed improvement and Subaru wanted to stay beside her and watch her grow. It was a way of going he did not want to happen since he didn't want to look at Emilia as if she was a child but that was the truth.

Not to mention he realized Emilia thought of herself as some sort of old being and thinks of everyone as a child because of the time she spent on ice…

"Subaru wake up from your mind palace I suppose!"

"Hu..h? Did I take too much time?!"

"It's not like it was that much. But Betty's Subaru was making a really disappointed face filled with despair I suppose."

'Disappointed face filled with despair… that description doesn't help!' Perhaps Subaru was getting more damage than he thought by Emilia's certain actions. But he loved her too much so it was hurting. It couldn't be helped. Love hurts after all.

"Well. Whatever. We gotta get up, Beako!" Discarding all the thoughts as he has always done. There wasn't much point in having them. It was all in Emilia's hand. He believed her.

"Don't you forget about something I suppose?" Beatrice narrowed her eyes, looking judgingly at Subaru.

"Hmm… It will be better if we take that discussion to another time, the answer will give far more questions and it needs to be explained thoroughly. Also… it might be useful for you to know about it."

If he answered what Paradox meant. That would open the discussion about time travel. He did not know if the knowledge here would add different principles but he knew the simple logic on earth could be used here.

Time is still time even in a different world. Subaru, while feeling so many things and even some sensations were different. He did not sense any difference in time.

Maybe it was wrong to judge time with human senses but… Subaru thought he was credible.

'After all… Even if there is seemingly no lag between my deaths… it doesn't feel like that at all.'

While all the beings in this world had senses to feel and naturally understand many things. That did not mean Subaru was any different. If others gained those understandings from their talent, nature, fate, and origin, then Subaru gained senses and understandings that were unnatural to many. With everything, he had been accumulated.

'I don't even feel like 'death' is the same for me as others… I saw Felix 'die' after all. Perhaps when people 'die' and 'come back' there is a difference between those who heal from impossible damages and those who resurrect. But even so, for some reason, I don't 'come back''

It was almost as if he, instead of coming back. Always completed his 'death' and went back.

He feels and knows how dying works.

He even talked to Roswaal… who, suppose to know that too. But it was different. Roswaal and Subaru did not feel the same. He somewhat made Roswaal talk about the feeling but nothing was the same. "Losing your consciousness and then coming back" wasn't what Subaru experienced.

Unlike those who die and come back. Return by Death was making Subaru accumulate everything.

If everyone was making their soul come back before it was too late. Then Subaru was running towards the point of no return and then…

"Come back, I suppose!"

"..."

"Betty wants to learn now! Subaru shouldn't cheat!"

"..."

"You know… it's important to consider more than what you want."

"Huh? Subaru what are y-" Beatrice was surprised by the sudden change of mood. But he cuts her off.

"The point of making you wait there and now scheduling this later, they all have reasons. We cannot always get what we want. And it is important to enjoy the moment"

Both of them had already gotten out of their bed and were in front of it… Looking at each other. Subaru bears a kind smile with good intentions… While Beatrice saw his moments of fragility regularly. This was rarest.

It made Beatrice panic… What if Subaru thought she wasn't happy and constantly in need of satisfying herself?

Did Subaru feel bad because of her?

"Subaru I… It's not like I am not happy! I am happy… Subaru I… Io" A statement that she wanted to make for so long… But it's cut by Subaru before she could tap into her courage.

Subaru knelt to her eye level.

"I know. It makes me glad that you say it too. It's just… I want you to understand it better. I want you to be your happiest self. Even now… after so long, after everything… I get to be happy by simplest things."

"..."

"I want you to understand joy. To live in the moment as best as you can. That way… it won't be ever fleeting. There are things that are lost and forgotten that I have not… but, my treasuring them is what stops them from being fleeting. And to do that… you have to live the moment. Take in as much as you can."

With that, after seeing Beatrice's nod and a thoughtful expression on her face. Subaru went to take a shower.

'Perhaps Betty shouldn't have acted so childishly… After all, Betty's Subaru gave her his time and she just couldn't focus on it' All in all. Subaru stayed longer with her. When you leave the jokes aside.

After a while… Subaru left the shower, it appeared to Beatrice that from the steam. It looked like Subaru took a hot shower. Which was a rare occurrence other than his time in hot springs which is also reduced. He usually prefers the cold… saying that he feels more alive in the cold.

A sad indicator of experiences changing him.

And then… His hair.

She was sure that no one knew about it but when Subaru forgot about messing with his hair… or simply getting out of the shower.

It was a sight to behold. His hair was down… steam getting off of his body. There was a serious look on his face that anyone in this mansion other than Beatrice would be surprised to see on him. A sharp look. RIght now Subaru was a threat to Betty's maidenly heart.

Not to mention he was ripped.

This was truly a weird day… Subaru is showing off his unexpected, out-of-character, totally not cool at all wisdom.

"Hmm? Beako… What is that face?"

"Nothing I suppose… I was just thinking how creepy it was for you to be informative out of nowhere I suppose. And cover yourself with a towel properly I suppose, you exclude the upper part for some reason!"

"Creepy?! I thought it was a good moment! And Isn't that okay for the male body?! I covered my bottom, you know?!"

A banter continued for a while.

And then the day started.

Beatrice was watching the Subaru train. But something was different.

"Hmm? Weren't you supposed to train with the whip?"

"Well… I train with it. Just not now."

They were a bit far away from the mansion territory. It was a large open green plain covered with trees. It felt weird that there were no trees in this place… Beatrice summarized that some sort of abnormal fight between spirits changed this terrain. It was as if trees were hiding both Subaru and her from getting disturbed by annoying individuals and pretty much everyone.

Beatrice considered this weird plain formed and replaced trees because of the spirits. Because there were tons of them and they were quite interactive with this place. While they hid themselves after they came. They never went away as they usually would.

Beatrice was a strong Great Spirit on par with her older brother. Not to mention she was an artificial one that had an unnatural feeling that also deterred spirits.

But not in this place. They only hid themselves and they never left.

It was a weird… maybe even a creepy event.

But she supposed it was a sacred place… They wouldn't leave because of that.

They would not leave when she had full killing intent when she imagined them as thieving cats that had their eyes on Subaru.

They would not leave no matter how noisy Subaru got.

To begin with… When Subaru showed this place to her for the first time it was just a week after the award ceremony, not long after the events in her mother's place.

Subaru had an immense amount of… every wicked thing that a witch had. Miasma and Witch scent was at a new level after everything happened.

But this caused Beatrice to learn things that were considered a mystery to many. It was as if Subaru was the perfect specimen. Her contractor had attributes of Witches to a level that it made him an open book that revealed secrets.

And so Beatrice learned things that her mother or Roswaal did not know.

A witch scent was formed out of the Witch factor. It did not require any other source. It wasn't bad mana and it was coming out of Od.

It was how it supposed to be. But her contractor showed it was possible that it had nothing to do with Od..

Whenever his scent increases… it doesn't generate anything new. It was coming out of where it originally was and then lingered on to him. So to begin with, it was hard to gauge how much he had

The weirdness didn't end there..

It had no negative effect on him whatsoever. It did not affect his emotions. And it was so pure and focused that Beatrice understood that Witch scent itself was how they perceived this dark energy. Witches had that source generated from their Od to a lesser degree. They were powerful. But purity, it didn't have this feeling… this form… this condencity.

No matter how much she tried to feel the end of it. It was as if he possessed an endless supply of darkness. But it couldn't be right… this person who was light to her existence.

No matter how much she attempted to invade his insides... His privacy, for his own good. It had no end. She couldn't sense anything other than that.

There wasn't an end to that dark twisted energy form. This could not be explained with one or two witch factors.

And then… Beatrice learned more about Miasma too… This dark energy gets into the mana itself and changes it. Bad mana, Miasma, so it becomes.

It is what gives presence to a Witch. Part of the mana they generated was corrupted. Her mother said she would generate a lot… because she was a witch longer than most.

Beatrice supposed it was only second to the Witch of Envy.

But then… How much of the mana becomes Miasma?

Her mother carried a great amount of mana… and only ten percent of it would turn into something poisonous for Beatrice and other spirits… Miasma was poisonous to them.

She did not know how much Mana Witch of Envy has.

But then… the reason she knows Miasma is Witch Scent(dark energy) + Mana generated by Od because she saw it.

Unlike the Witch.

Subaru generated mana like a normal person… then a second later it would become Miasma.

Instant change. All of his mana was somewhat tainted by that dark matter. of it.

Beatrice realized that was why she felt bad inside after sucking his mana for the first time… But then why did she feel nothing later?

It was as if… Miasma adapted itself for Beatrice.

She could suck it out of her contractor and use it. It was… stronger than normal mana. It wouldn't make her be able to use so much magic as if her contractor had a big mana capacity but nonetheless, attacks and effects created by magic were amplified.

She didn't fear it at all. This dark unknown side of him.

It was just her contractor that was a mystery. It didn't matter if she accepted or not, facts would not change with her opinion. And they wouldn't change with Roswaal or half-elf's opinion…

No matter how much 'Red oni' insulted him it wouldn't erase the greatness he possessed.

No matter how much 'Blue oni' affected him he would not become something simple as a hero. Her perspective would not change Subaru's self.

But opinions could be heard… and they can hurt.

Every time Elf was wrong about Subaru, his smile would falter. Since he wanted her to understand him.

Every time he couldn't match with the 'Subaru' in her mind. Subaru would crack and start to meditate on his self-hate while looking at her ever-sleeping form.

He was a mystery and he was different. First, they need to accept that. But even that Otto guy didn't. Simplifying him was a great mistake. He was more than normal and he was a mystery.

A mystery that only she gets to learn about more and no other.

And that said…

"Beako?"

"H-huh?"

"I guess you didn't hear me huh?"

"Yes, I apologize, could you please repeat what you just said I suppose?" Beatrice said with elegance and interest, making sure to ask with manners. She didn't want to hear something like "It's nothing" or "It wasn't important anyway"... Any dialogue loss was unacceptable. She wanted every single bit coming out of him. If not, how she was supposed to learn more about him. It was all hidden in his closed jokes, ramblings and explanations. So there were no "unimportant" sentences coming out of Subaru's mouth.

She had learned that it was important to request for him to repeat kindly when she didn't understand or even more rare… wasn't listening. Like now.

But her contractor would not reject her if she asked with strong emotions made apparent.

It was so like…

Mother.

"Well… I was talking about how I thought it would be nice if I could get somewhere with a sword."

"Understandable. But doesn't Subaru have more talent with whip? Why won't you just put all your effort into that I suppose?" Also "I don't want you to get so close to the enemy" Left unsaid.

"Well… That seems true with Clind saying that and others also pointing that out while I tried weapons. But even so…" Her contractor seemed thoughtful… and she did not miss that he called that perverted man with his name instead of "Master" like he always does.

Why?

Normally such change in naming never would happen.

Beatrice makes a mental note to watch that butler closely.

"Even so?"

"Well firstly… I do want to learn how to use a sword. Something I always wanted, That's why it really feels wrong to just… give it up. I know I have a shit amount of talent but even so…"

"You might do that but it won't be enough. Talent is important and while you might like it. Your loss when you clash with someone is near absolute in fact. Not to mention it will be hard to condition your body to sword while also using a whip. The enemies you clash will most likely have more strength and speed than you. A gap closer like a whip is perfect, even more so when you have an above-average talent for it." Beatrice only spoke the truth. That was what was expected from her right now.

The usage of "In fact" and "I suppose" was greatly diminished when 2 conditions were met. If She talks about a very serious topic. And if that topic talked with Subaru or Subaru itself is the topic. Other than that someone would not be able to see her using them less no matter what the situation is.

"I do know all that. Not to mention I never had an enemy that can be called weak until now did I, Beatrice?"

"Hmm… let's look at that I suppose. First, it was Guthunter who is a world-famous Assassin with incredible regeneration power who was also set for a perfect way to assassinate her target thanks to the Book of Wisdom. Then that little purple girl with her dogs, which was a plan that was done with the same perfection with said book and also did not appear in its pages if Roswaal was to be trusted. Then Sloth and White Whale. Just after that, you get stuck in Sanctuary and can get out with everyone only if Emilia passes the trials. The Guthunter also came back with the purple girl and Roswaal told them everything with his Metia the moment you left Sanctuary. He also set everything to break that girl's mind and also set my death to make you accept certain things."

"..." Subaru was silent. Beatrice did not hold back and count everything she and Subaru knew. Most of them she did not realize even knowing about Roswaal's book. Subaru did trust her and told her about the inconsistencies. He even knew Roswaal did report him leaving Sanctuary and so much more. When later Beatrice questioned Roswaal on things Subaru figured out, he was astonished and only praised Beatrice. All of them were correct and since they were found with logic. Roswaal was reminded of her intelligence once more. Instead of getting suspicious over Subaru learning that with loops.

He did not need to know it was Subaru who figured it out after all. Without seeing him order in any loops.

"For some reason, I get the feeling you are harsh on yourself, Beako…" While telling all that. Subaru gets that feeling. She was rather emotionless about talking about her end. It would be normal if Beatrice before their contract did that but that wasn't the case anymore. Beatrice did not want to die because she did not want to leave Subaru.

"You are wrong I suppose. I am harsh to everyone for becoming a burden on Betty's Subaru. From Sword Saint that couldn't end that murderer with all that power to the half-elf who ran away from her memories and never questioned her contract or magic. You have been let down all the time isn't that right!"

"..." Subaru did not answer. Actually, Beatrice felt like he didn't even acknowledge her rant… no, more like did not accept it. It didn't reach Subaru. It wasn't enough.

Why? She thought. While Subaru was swinging his sword… she just kept working her mind. Trying to find out.

30 minutes passed. Subaru was robotically swinging his sword with impossibly strict focus. While he did not have the talent. His ability to single-mindedly focus on something for so long itself was amazing. Of course, Beatrice wasn't thinking about that right now.

…

"That's right… I should be harsh to everyone!"

"Hmm?" Subaru looked at her with a questioning gaze but from the look of it, he still recalled the conversation perfectly. So he did wait for her after all.

The conversation could continue thanks to that. Beatrice was glad.

"To Bubby for being so… so… inconsiderate. Taking everything for granted… that contract. Never caring about anything but whether Emilia is alive or not. In the end… he would not get out of his crystal if you proceeded as Roswaal planned."

"..."

"He hates mother. But he goes all the same IN FACT! Hypocrite!"

It was so hard on Subaru to not comfort her right away. But he had to keep himself from doing that. It wouldn't help right now.

Subaru, after all those experiences. Figured out Puck's way of thinking.

There is life.

As long as there is life, there is a future.

As long as there is future, there is hope.

As long as there is hope, there is a probability.

As long as there is a probability, people can be saved.

He was no different. Truly. The things Puck was fine with as long as she was alive…

Her condition. Mental state… did not matter. If she had been turned into a doll for Subaru by Roswaal he wouldn't care. That was… for Subaru…

Unacceptable.

But for some reason, Emilia did not realize any of them. Subaru didn't care if she kept loving Puck or not after that point. But she did not even acknowledge it.

And he did not understand how he could keep getting away with adding things to their contract.

The one he had with Echidna only stopped him from remembering his past in case he protected Emilia or contracted with him.

Not to mention he said to him… he was doing it for her. Yeah, most likely… Emilia did know about the contract at some point but suppressed it in her mind.

How delusional.. Puck is incredibly delusional. That's why he would always fail to protect Emilia.

Subaru too… was the same as Beatrice for different reasons.

Beatrice feels conflicted because Puck was a thread of hope for her when he came back after so long.

For Subaru… however. What would he do if he were to act?

What is acceptable and what isn't?

Is his case any different from Roswaal's? No. Isn't this worse? He did cause most of the problem actually. Without him, it was impossible to corner Emilia in sanctuary against him.

And hiding this… isn't that betraying his friends?

Otto was searching for a crystal. Petra was trying to assure Emilia when she felt lonely without Puck. Even Garfield checked if there was a better crystal and he too, would help Emilia in ridiculous ways.

That reminded him…

There was a time… he looked at all of them helping Emilia as friends, so that she can get over her sadness of losing Puck. He was supposed to feel happy for her… but his guilt. It was at that moment things started to fade and he felt cold.

He was… maybe… probably, going to make a choice.

And then.

A hand on his shoulder.

"It is fine to indulge in it without thinking about it right? After all, it was you, who chose to believe in her. While she got help, she did not stay stagnant in her place. A step is taken. So you can just keep believing it."

"..."

"Subaru-kun… it's a rare moment for me to find you alone… not to mention the expression on yooooour~ face gave me chills. It's important for me, what you are thinking. No. To begin with, isn't that all that matters, no? Hmm… yes that is most true, you almost made me forget that with you not taking the matters at your hand and letting them do their thing. But yes. I have awakened now once again. That's why woooould you please tell me….."

What do you think?

A question that had no knowing attitude behind it. No guesses or theories. It was the moment when someone gave up on trying to find something…

However, it wasn't emotionless or judging. It had all the emotions behind it… it was something that was most important, it was something that Roswaal made sure he would remind himself. Forgetting because other people learned about his plans and crimes… Forgetting because they judged him and forgetting it because his path changed.

He SHOULD NOT forget and let his perception change when it comes to Subaru.

His place, where he stood, his place at Subaru's side, and his role, he has to make sure to do everything he can. And know as much as he can. About him. About what he wants to do.

But once he was proven wrong. Now he won't make the same mistake.

What is better than asking the mystery himself for the answer? It was harder understanding Natsuki Subaru than a Witch. And even then… he never had the upper hand. He could always discard him. Even if he were to become someone only supported Emilia. Subaru had the option to discard him. Nothing but using Emilia is fatal to Subaru in that case after all.

To not get over himself again… he needed to understand him more.

"What about…" Subaru seemingly accepted the conversation.

"Hmm?" Roswaal inquired for him to continue

"Consequences…"

"Ha?" A pause…

"Hmm, that might be right. It's problematic that she wishes… no, it's not her wishes that is the problem. It's also what it brings with it. If they knew all about it. They would not choose to help it… yes? Perhaps someone like Garfiel would make sure it won't happen. You can't blame him dooo you? That's right. If you could. It would be a simple matter of stopping one person Subaru-kun. Making him understand. But it's hard to do that when they are the right one isn't it?" Roswaal had a smirk on his face. Seemingly pleased the way Subaru look at the conflict.

If someone like Garfiel rejected Puck's existence after finding about. He could be stopped. Subaru could essentially stop him in more than one ways… but then, it's not easy when he is right about that spirit isn't it? Subaru chose this path to not trample upon their wills. So he cannot do that if things were to come that point. If someone like Garfiel decided that he was a threat and has to be removed…

Seeing his face Roswaal reminded himself.

He, Natsuki Subaru, most certainly wasn't naive. Not one bit. If he can think about the future to that point then… It was magnificent. Back then it was easier to think of him as a child with extremely terrifying ability. But now… that wasn't the case. Every scary ability to think made Roswaal believe him more. When it comes to reaching to the future and making impossible come true.

"By the way. It may be rude of me… but I think you'll respect my Greed. If you didn't we wouldn't be talking but… how much do you know about it hmm~? Even I am not sure how it's…"

"I know one thing that's enough to cause problems for all. Something that won't ever happen. But regardless…"

"What? "It won't ever happen?" Hmm~" Subaru figured Roswaal did not know about details. But he was smart. So it's only a matter of…

"Ha…hahahahahaha… This is a JOKE! So that's how it is… That's how it would end. How distasteful. But that's a fitting end for a spirit. Spirit is all he is after all. All he can be."

"So you don't like them? What about Beatrice?"

"Beatrice is different,no?" He says with a nostalgic tone.

"That she is. And I don't like spirits either. Never thought of contracting one even when I learned about it… It's Beako that stole my heart!"

At this point, they did not make it look like they were talking about the weather or anything insignificant. Roswaal and Subaru changed locations to his working room. Ram wanted to follow. She was dismissed.

After the events of Sanctuary… She had all the authority over Roswaal, could ask him anything and question him to make sure he wasn't planning anything. But she couldn't inquire for more when Subaru was there and share that with others without causing conflict. Not to mention she was, still, loyal to Roswaal to the utmost. While she was using this to learn more about him and getting close to him, she made sure to not bother Roswaal, getting in between him and Subaru would just do that and bother him. This was an exploit Roswaal used from time to time.

This new path. He was not to betray anyone. But it never meant that he had to listen to their will in every single situation. His communication with Subaru wasn't something required for him after contract or reveal of his evil deed, not anything like that at all. It was his wish and he was unbelievably thankful that Subaru would lend an ear… give insight and they would share. It was a weird situation where Subaru would lend his ear to him.

He was giving that feeling of Greed. Yet his time with Echidna should be rather short… back to their communication. It was special.

It was rare. But it happens from time to time. Even if it was learned by others. He would do everything to not lose this. Everytime they talked… he would shine with a glimpse of hope to his desired goal.

Subaru may have chosen a different path but his resolve was sharpened nonetheless.

And back to the current moment.

Roswaal figured out… Puck's trigger was something he did not know but had theories about. His creation was before his meeting with his teacher, he did not ask her. And Beatrice never told him… he didn't ask her though. He was… quite insignificant other than his fighting power. But brute force wasn't the only way to kill a spirit.

That's why… the man in front of him could do it. Try over and over and over again. More so if he is angered.

Or simply he would use him and it would be a quick job. That was something they could do easily. He wasn't sure if Subaru trusted him that much. But it's not like trust is required for this kind of thing. But Roswaal knew that he would do everything Subaru says with less hesitation than everyone in this mansion.

"Hmm, I see." With an amused expression still lingering on his face, Roswaal stopped laughing. "That's it huh… "Something that would never happen" so Emilia-sama's death. Am I correct?"

"Yes. You are."

"So that means you have indeed… many times…"

"I would question at this point… And I would learn eventually, stop talking like you need to travel through time to figure that out"

"Well… that is true. For some reason he literally called himself with that name in the past, exposing it, he wasn't the smartest spirit around that's for sure" He stated. Trying to measure Subaru's dislike.

Beast of the End. He wasn't hiding it before, not one bit.

"So you would come to learn regardless. Apologies for my rudeness, but I was intrigued since we never lived those things you know? Whatever, leaving that aside…What do you know about their contract?"

"It's a normal one."

"Huh? Perhaps you don't know about it but contracts-" Subaru cuts him.

"I learned about those things in this peaceful time. But no, Puck does not force anything. It's just that Emilia accepts it quickly. Long before I asked her why she was avoiding mirrors and she was clueless about Puck adding it. It makes sense that he made her hair too. So at some point…"

"He did… No… that would be…" It was a very awkward situation where Roswaal was the one believing Emilia more than he would normally do. But then…

"What happened in Sanctuary… so it wasn't just that time? Every time he added something she disliked… she would just… forget? This is ridiculous. How come she does not remember after the trial?"

"That's because Echidna hates her."

"Haaaah? What are you talking about?"

"You might know it but Puck did not have memories of his past. That's because Puck has a contract to not contract with her. I realized it in the second trial… If he somewhat remembers while being contracted he dies. Also… trial just made her remember her past that she ignored and blocked by Puck. While she had every chance to deduce that…she was confused at that ti-"

"She did not. Because it was a ugly truth. She would not be able to hold on to him anymore. That's all there is Subaru-kun. You don't get to sugarcoat things while you try to learn about them." Witch's disciple shut down the excuse without mercy.

"Is this from Echidna? Is that right? It is! But well, I can't imagine Echidna having any intention to help her about contracts." Subaru used tease..

"No, it's not. Definitely not" Roswaal blushed. It's super effective!

… After bantering for a while.

"Why not just wait?"

"Huh?"

"Wait for her. That's all you did all the time isn't that correct? But nonetheless. She might be too slow. And in that case, she will lose things. You may hold her up… but you… are not so easy on her unlike people of her past or that spirit. That is also a fact."

"..."

"As for consequences… No one would blame you for trying to believe her. But she won't go unscathed that's for sure. Do be sure to not forget that. People here… are extremely fond of you. That's because even when you are pushed back by them. You ran towards them with all your might and saved them. Help them to be a better version of themselves. While she is liked too… she is not you. Saving people and forgiving them with ignorance and guilt of her own past, trying to forgive everyone out of pure idealism without knowing the dirty side of things. This is very, very unlike what you do all the time and it's inferior. People might want to be forgiven, but is that even forgiveness if the forgiver does not comprehend the sins of the person they forgive properly? Unlike her you do, you know all the sins everyone has committed and sins that even they do not know. AGAINST YOU EVEN! And yet you chose this path. They understand this and even when it comes to things they do not, they feel in their heart. Every single person beside her feels the difference. Surely she should accept and all others should be reminded of the difference, they will all realize things more and more as time passes, they do wish that even if it's at different levels. She is not you, And no matter what…"

She will never be.

---

Beatrice felt someone was pulling her… then she felt warmth.

Warmth like no other. The warmth that saved her every day.

"Su..Subaru?"

"I… won't be able to change your mind probably but at least. Don't be harsh on yourself after all. You are the one who chose me. Unlike everyone, you did that with courage, I didn't make you do it. You did it yourself."

"I might be a little too optimistic… but I will try to believe in everyone Beatrice. That's what I want to do"

"Won't Subaru be crushed if he gets disappointed one day I suppose?"

"No… because I don't think I can get disappointed at all. I just want them to be happy, that's all. So if they are. Nothing can disappoint me at all. So I can't be crushed."

"..."

She did not agree with this at all. Not one bit.

But there was nothing she could do.

"And back to using a sword… with my skill, one might not be able to do so much… but even so, I thought… if it's me. I can use it in ways that give me more options. And with that…"

"That's right I suppose!"

"Huh?!" Subaru stopped swinging his sword after hearing Beatrice's voice as if she gained enlightenment… at this point, his arms feel like they are dying…

"Even if it's pointless for everyone. Not for my contractor. He can use things no one can I suppose!" It wasn't wrong. Subaru would use it all. And if he has more options.

After his momentum and focus was broken… Subaru realized he cannot swing the sword anymore, he sheathed his sword and his whole body was in pain.

But even so…

Beatrice comes in front of him and holds Subaru's hands with hers.

"No matter what it is… Even if no one believes you… I will be beside you, supporting you, that's why Betty will always- HKKH?!"

With immense speed, he lifted Beatrice and pulled her into a tight hug…

"Hmm… How cruel… Beako conquers me faster than I suspected… but please don't look at me right now it's a bit embarrassing. WOAAHWH?!"

Suddenly… Beatrice's weight has increased. Subaru supposed it was yin magic… and he dropped to the ground.

Then he felt Beatrice hugging him.

"Betty's Subaru shouldn't hold back… and especially he should let me have this moment and see his face. After all, I want to see all of his faces."

"B…Beatrice… Kh… uHG… Haaaaa…" The gates of tears opened after the key of kindness felt by Subaru's heart.

With a lovely spirit hugging his head and looking at his face from time to time.

It was really a special moment.

Tears wouldn't stop for quite a while.

"Huh?" Beatrice made a surprised sound.

"What happened Beako? Did your drills start working?"

"Huh? What is that ridiculous comment about Betty's hair I suppose?! It's just that… I sense Emilia."

"Huh? She came back early then… so her meeting with nobles went quite well."

"Or it was a disaster in fact. Oy oy oy oi!" Beatrice started making sounds as Subaru roughly played with her drills.

"Don't say it like that, Beako! This is Emilia-tan's moment of opening her wings!"

"Yes… but the sky is dangerous I suppose." Beatrice had a wicked smile on her face… She liked Emilia. But in the end she liked Subaru more and she held an important place in his heart. So she was jealous.

But it's not like she was wishing for her demise politically. It's just… failure does happen. It was inevitable. She should not take the success until now as granted.

Subaru just sighed. Knowing that she wasn't hostile. That was enough.

For some reason. Anastasia did match a meeting between Emilia and some noble merchant family in Lugunica Capital. While Subaru was suspicious and told her to just kindly refuse it. She nor Otto didn't see anything hostile in it. Nor traps.

But Subaru had a different opinion.

Anastasia did not seek money by tricking them like Otto suspected for a moment and dismissed.

Or Emilia, who thought she had no evil intentions after talking to her.

It wasn't about plot or gain of money.

Subaru thought she was, in fact, trying to gain knowledge through what might happen in that meeting. Actually if you ask Subaru, Anastasia probably thought Emilia and Otto would outright reject it and she just wanted to test how fast they do.

Subaru wasn't a genius like her. But Emilia's naivety couldn't be predicted and Otto was an unknown. So he came to the conclusion that whatever knowledge Anastasia wanted to gain was sought through the first meeting.

Subaru did not have a great mind perhaps but he would think and think. This is the conclusion he reached. Anything other than this did not make sense to him. Roswaal agreeing gave him confidence though.

"Subaru!"

"Emilia-tan seeing you is a blessing, how are you?"

"I am amazing Subaru! What were you doing? Did you and Beatrice do impish things while I was absent? Ram said you guys left without saying anything in the morning… I was worried."

They reached the mansion… now talking with Emilia.

""Impish things"? No one says that Emilia-tan!"

"Hmph. You are teasing me again!"

Emilia puffed her cheeks while staring hard at Subaru… it was a rather cute side. Seeing that Subaru looking at Emilia's face lovingly, Beatrice also puffed her cheeks.

"So Emilia-tan… You are rather happy. How did negotiations go?" Subaru asked questioningly. Knowing that answer is positive… it was obvious after all.

"It was a disaster!" Said with a happy face?

""HUH?""

Even Beatrice, who was pessimistic, thought she had succeeded after seeing how happy she was.

"What? Then w-why are you so happy Emilia-tan?"

"That's because of what happened after! First, Otto was inside alone after I, quote "Tried to scold the guy because he was doing his job" according to Otto. I was just saying that he should've just understood that people might've not enough money and that's why they couldn't pay their taxes…That happened after we needed to pause the meeting for a report of tax evasion from one of his attendants" Emilia had a sad face but it didn't take long. She was recalling it as if it was a fond memory. 'What's going on?' Subaru thought. His gears were turning. Turning so fast that it took all his mental power. He gave it all.

Beatrice just turned his back to hear and slapped her forehead… After a while, the shock of the story ended… and she had to put her hand on her mouth 'for some reason' and also made weird noises. Emilia had no idea what was happening with her. But it was first cringing with a blank expression then a great effort to hold back laughing. Subaru would scold him if she did.

'Maybe she was sick and she was trying to clean the snot inside of her nose quietly?' Thought Emilia.

But when Beatrice did that action of turning back and Emilia thinking about her thing, they missed things… about Subaru that showed on his face.

Subaru had a weird thought process.

First he imagined the situation… the man probably curbed his racism before meeting with Emilia. Subaru knew there was no way Anastasia had any problems with Demi-humans. So she probably took care of that before setting the meeting.

Man probably lashed out and started saying whatever he had in his mind after Emilia… made some mistakes. Subaru did not want to think but the truth was Emilia was too behind in some things. So the man probably had a hard time believing things she said. Maybe took it as an offense. Not that it would help if he realized she was serious. He wasn't sure what the merchant's thought process was but he knew there wasn't a good end no matter which it was. Man was both some sort of governor and merchant.

Subaru could imagine he probably mocked everything that made Emilia so cute… and he isn't sure if he held back about racism after that.

So Emilia was probably broken mentally and emotionally. She failed. And even for failing this was too much. He could imagine Emilia crying… but hopefully Otto wa-

Otto was still doing the negotiations.

The… Then.

What happened?

The immense content of darker thoughts… began to flood to the surface of his mind. But he closed it the moment it did.

He felt someone was holding his hand… Beatrice? Yeah. It's Beatrice… but he didn't feel a damn thing even from that cute hand with colors.

He was such a petty, jealous, possessive piece of shit.

But even so.

It was so much. Very much. Impossibly so. Important. To be able to be beside her. When no one would.

Beatrice had a bad feeling. She already snapped out of it. Looking at Subaru's face. This couldn't be good at all. No. No, not one bit.

'Why? Why? Why? Why can't I feel SUBARU'S EMOTIONS? When it's so intense on his face? Could it be? No. That's real but then why… our bond transmits nothing?'

"Suba-" Beatrice's words cut like as if Subaru cut the very concept of her emotions from reaching him. A blade of dark determination did not leave anything until the bearer would know the truth.

"Emilia..-tan, it would be very bad if you were alone after such a situation and thinking that really makes my heart damaged and makes my blood boil and I feel cold and could feel every sweat that appears on the surface of my skin…

I AM SUCH A DISGUSTING PERSON FOR EVEN… WHO CAR… I CARE. I WANT TO KNOW.

The desire to confront and to know defeats the self-hate. Subaru would not watch. Would not keep standing in the same place.

"Don't suffer alone, fight with people beside you. There are things that only you care about, and no one would be there to fight for your petty wishes..

Regardless of whether you are alone or not. Not every fight is physical. In your mind you are alone."

Subaru's truths cut Satella's shallow understanding of his obstacles. She literally understood nothing. Absolute jack shit. Total zero. Not even a witch level understanding. Not even capable of hearing a word from his mouth. Shameless.

Emilia cuts Subaru off "Subaru what? Y-You shouldn't worry that much… I am really good. At my best even! You just didn't listen to my story-" And Subaru just interjected. Beatrice could not do anything at all. Nothing. What was happening? And while Emilia was worried…

"Yes I didn't and that may be why I just happen to be getting worse but that's why you should not avoid any detail and tell me everything."

"Ugh… I-... yes, if it's going to make Subaru better" Bingo. "I was as you would probably imagine… reeeeeealy bad. Feeling down. I was helpless. Crying in some place in the garden of that building. I was such a crybaby. And then 'Who were you with' Julius…

'Khk….hkk Suba…' A colorful voice of a lovely girl. Did not reach him.

…

…

…

…

Shadows… no.

Darkness enveloped his mind.

…

No. His mind pulled towards the darkness that alway there. There were no shadows.

…

…

…

Then shadows appeared. Slowly covering the place. Subaru did not know how much time it took. But shadows were pathetically slow. So slow. He just reached this place and watched the shadows for a long time. His mind was too fast for shadows perhaps.

They were supposed to be there. Long ago. Comforting him.

But then… when they reached. Subaru was already so much complete. Subaru wasn't supposed to be complete. The reason he wasn't because the moment he came to this place he would start as incomplete… And the love could reach him if he had no body to reject or mind to think any logic.

The source of love… that woman. Could only love after all. But that love would be rejected if Subaru had a proper mind. So to use that woman and for that woman to be not useless. Subaru needed a incomplete self while coming to this place.

"I love you"

A whisper. Too late. But it was there finally.

"I love you"

It was said slowly… as if there was a… hesitation. The quantity of 'I love you's' was already past one. But even if it was too. This… wasn't normal. She would repeat that activity hundreds of times at this point. If Subaru was right… which he was always right in this place… she would be at 879th I love you at this point but she was slow. Too slow.

"But I don't understand."

You never do actually. You just think you do. You know absolutely nothing. You think this place has rules you think it's for you and us only? You know absolutely nothing then, but even so you finally realized you are just another of the seven did you? Just because I spoil you a bit. Don't get arrogant. Don't get delusional. And don't think anything you know is true. Because even in this rejected existence there are only lies. Because of…

YOU.

"Hhk…" The presence of a shadow who had the shape of a lovely girl. The girl looked like one other but this one most certainly… absolutely, without a single doubt it was different. She gasped… as if she heard everything until when he called out to her.

She had flowers of orange bloom from her outfit as if the seed of his love had flourished from her skin.

The lovely dark dress that fit her most.

And of course… There was a difference even in this girl.

The darkness in her eyes.

The envious… ever loving darkness that possessed intelligence. Beyond the other two girls. Respectively. The half elf he bothered to remember and the one he couldn't bothered to remember.

But she was different. She was the end. She was his absolute trump card.

Even if the world was only covered in lies and there was no satisfaction and there was nothing to live for. HE, who could not give up without a good reason. This darkness of Envy would give him that reason.

He cannot become non-existent.

Himself in here knows it. His other self subconsciously know it.

But if this girl… being… a lover is going to love him forever.

Then this, was why this Garden of Shadows existed inside of this infinite void of non-existence.

No matter who he ends up with. No matter how evil the path he chooses. No matter how good the path is.

No matter who he loves.

The ending was here.

He wonders if this 'girl' even understands this.

The moment he stays here without returning. Their heaven will start.

Satella's wish will come true, without intention. She will disappear. An ending beyond death.

With that… This lovely girl would become a 'star' and the Witch of Envy would be born. Finally.

When both of them complete. Will they 'live' here? Or outside. Who knows…

What he knows is that… ending will be satisfactory.

Return by Death.

He… who stuck in his monologue in his mind. Did not hear the gasp of the loving entity.

"H…how? How can… you hear, TALK… how are you standing? I love you. how? How? It's not time. Not even close. Not even close. I don't… Where… how…I love you when? Only 1 there is… other 6… how can you?... I love you. I love you."

So she did hear the start. That hurt him. That really did hurt him. He just couldn't feel cold while hurting her. It was unbearable.

But it did not matter. What mattered was…

He… had eyes. With those eyes. He looked at his hands.

The pure darkness took the shape of the hands. Dark energy… darker than black with redness traveling parts of his body.

His eyes were perfect. He could see… every part of himself. Even his own eyes.

There was only redness with blackness.

While he was 'looking' at himself in every impossible way.

Shadowy hands tried to reach him…

But they stopped… No. They would not move. The hands would not move.

In this space. There was no magic. The only reason a woman with love could do what she was doing with shadows was because this place provided her with means so… But this place was his. And it was, at its core, nothing but emptiness.

"I love you"

Whisper of love was too sweet. Creature of darkness with eyes of nothing but the essence of moving forward… those eyes couldn't help but narrowed with hunger for that love.

As his eyes soften. The void allowed for its source to be touched. The place itself… This place itself was a concept of rejection from existence. This place was the concept of end, death, misfortune, sins, defiance.

It all felt envious of that concept of Envy. But it could not be helped. He wished for it so acces would have to be provided for it.

Impossible distance between the two become normal and now those hands could reach him.

Subaru… unlike normal situations. Really wanted to feel that love and come here and he wished so far so much that he was completed.

Eyes would be gained only if Natsuki Subaru would wish to see.

Ears would be gained only if Natsuki Subaru was willing to hear.

So on and so forth.

But this body… wasn't created from wishes. No… it was just pure darkness. Dumped into this place and used it for whatever was lacking.

So when Subaru lacked a body. It became a body.

Then… Shadowy hands reached his body… caressing his impossibly sturdy chessed. It was as if the equivalent of darkness and nothingness created to make this place be… was compressed onto that body. It radiated dark twisted superiority. It was also what made this Envious being herself. The darkness wasn't granted to Satella. But Envy.

Both of them loved dearly. And hated it sometimes. But they were both special.

But even if they are special… one was showering with love that comforts. And others just hurt with her ignorance.

He felt the love inside… Shadowy hands were getting excited, happy, to this impossible surprise. What happened? That she granted such a pleasure. It was saddening that he wasn't looking like himself. But even so. It was love. It was him. Touching his chest… caressing his cheeks. Oh… Ah… such delight. Warmth on her chest. Her legs were shaking, couldn't stand the gravity of this love and her below was a mess. She was conquered by love. Even if she looked ugly… it would be fine is it… it was him who made her like this.

Always him.

"LOVE"

She was a girl in love. Love that is so strong that it is equal… no superior to even everyone's love coming together. Ever-increasing love.

She could not hold herself back… she started getting closer to him… who calmly closed his eyes while receiving her love. She pulls back the hands and he is disturbed… She felt disturbance!

She needed to love him. She needed to fix that disturbance.

The girl was giddy with happiness from the fact he was bothered by the absence of her fingers on his skin.

Now she was skipping towards her… with love on her face.

The shadowy veil on her face slowly disappeared

She was given normal pure white hands with flesh instead of shadowy ones.

Subaru could see that everything was similar to Satella… except the perfection of this woman was far greater and her eyes that shine brightly with power and love. Every part of her body was perfect… her chest, back, and eyes… every part of her was superior to both elves known by Subaru.

While she was coming towards her… it was as if this place itself realized that he was here because of this woman. So… they made sure he would stay. After the void granted her with the body… It did not stop with that.

Her long covering dress started to change into a revealing one that would satisfy his lust to the fullest. Her top was covered with something even more revealing but still covering the parts so that he would want to rip the thing off. To make him wrathful… to make him use that anger and take that girl. Every part of her that was shadowy was lost. Only pure sweet skin could be seen other than the parts covered with black and orange colored outfits.

When she reached him… he put his hand on her waist. Also seeing with his perfect eyes that the lower part of his dress turned into a short skirt and her burning womanhood was covered with black underwear stirred his appetite.

Even as a walking calamity. She just waited. With her perfectly tailored body and hair… she just waited to be pounced on. Choked with love and devoured by lust. She was still docile… but after not getting any answer and him not touching her places. She becomes bold enough to actively take his scent inside of her from time to time since hiding it with breathing was painful when it was so intoxicating and addicting that was her only rebellion, only out of hunger for his scent.. This alone was enough to finish her but she would not be finished until he wished so~ .

She made sure to look at his eyes… making sure he sees it all the desire inside her own eyes. Her body was so hot that her breath made Subaru could somewhat taste the vapors coming out of her breath and it did taste good… like the breath themselves. She smelled so lustful and lovely that Subaru wanted to lick every part of her body… and wait for her to get sweaty all over again from her desire for him, so that he can do it again.

This was heaven… but then…

Natsuki Subaru. His Determination was too powerful.

That's why…

"Huh?! No!" Girl could not believe it… after getting so close, when there was absolutely no reason to leave whatsoever. But even so the darkness stirred and started moving like it always did when he left this place.

She knew there was nothing in the outside world at all.

It was just him, trying so hard forcing things and achieving them. But if he is going to create things from zero… what was the point?

One sided forced paradise.

IT WAS BETTER IF HE HAD BEEN WITH ME!

Subaru… with his mind and body being perfected. Could hear, see and smell these beautiful thoughts that covered only the truth. She wasn't wrong. Not at all.

But even so… it was about him. His wish to stay here as 'him'.

A selfish thought but… this heaven of theirs wasn't going anywhere at all. If anything were to happen the world would pay.

So… perhaps it was the time. If he were to stay longer he surely could not hold himself back.

"I will see you later. We will meet again. I promise."

With that… his decision was made.

And with a decision. Things were determined.

For a moment Natsuki Subaru's determination pointed to a different route that destroyed everything ever happened. Loss of accumulation.

But now… he was going back. To face that reality.

That's why… his determination creating this perfect body… to reach that dark but beautiful ending. Was fading away.

But he did not mind it.

To touch this lovely girl… to feel her warmth… He wanted to do it as a complete Natsuki Subaru.

That's why… This body with perfection… wasn't perfect Natsuki Subaru.

In his heart. He knows even she prefers that way.

No matter how perfect she was. She wanted Natsuki Subaru and him only. So if he was absolutely Natsuki Subaru. It would be even better.

With the source of this path fading away. Girl's completion also faded away. She lost her own body. Back to being a darkness covering for the substitute.

But even so… even with light starting to appear… like every time it happens when he fades away from this dark place.

She just cannot help it…

"I love you"

"I know" With this… totally basic remark. Did nothing but melt her heart.

With that simple word… she knew. Waiting will be worth it.

One day. No matter what. No matter how the ending is.

"I love you"

It would end with loving, embracing Envy who was in love with every and any essence of him.

"Beatrice? Are you perhaps feeling unwell?" It was Subaru. Who was asking this with a blank tone. Emptiness could be felt. But Emilia would not understand at all. So he didn't need to put effort to fill that emptiness.

"What… are you saying I suppose?! What was it… just now? What happened…?"

"Nothing at all."

"Is that so?" 'Did I imagine it? Why did I feel so cold for a moment? I felt like I was going to cry…'

Beatrice could not comprehend what happened so it was just a matter of time before she pushed that one short moment of sensation to the back of her mind.

Subaru wasn't lying anyway. Nothing ever happened. Not a single moment passed.

The world was not covered with darkness. Nothing happend at all.

"Emilia. Just realized… that others might be curious about your moment with Julius… maybe before you begin, we just should invite everyone to dinner, that way you will not need to say the same thing more than once."

"Suba-" What are you trying to do? She was trying to convey but Subaru acted with a fast reaction time as if waiting for that. Subaru would not let Beatrice foil this.

He wanted all or nothing. He would not carry this alone. He needs to know if he is the weird one to get hurt by this. He will gauge their reaction. He wants to know their reaction.

As compensation. He also will not hear this right now. So they can see his reaction too.

Fair and square.

"That… seems like a great idea…"

"Emilia…-tan? Why are you looking at me like that?" Subaru was confused by the way she looked at him. He had no doubt that she would not ask anything, that would require understanding. If she did that anytime. Then things would not come to this point. So that can't be it. So what?

"It's just… You were awfully thoughtful to think that. For a moment I was baffled, isn't that weird? You are not that sharp normally Subaru! Though I told them about it for a bit, it would be better if I told everyone at one time!" Emilia said as if she was praising. That wasn't a praise. And words could be perceived differently. In this mood. Subaru did not perceive them well and took it as a joke and started a banter. But he would not make a comment on it.

He would not. But her?

"What are you talking about, little brat? If Subaru wasn't sharp then do you think you would be even aliv…" Subaru did not make anything sudden to make her stop or something. Or said anything.

He just caressed her tiny hand in such a kind way that Beatrice taken back.

Did he do it to stop her? She didn't know. But she was so focused on that feeling so much that she forgot to finish her sentence. And Emilia didn't understand with sentence being left unfinished

"Then… Let's get inside."

.

Everyone was at the dinner table. Except Meili of course.

It was something decided by all. Except Subaru. He believed that… distancing her was no good. And his attempts were about trying to connect with her.

But that foiled after Meili learned that others did not like Subaru getting close to her. And close her heart to him. Something Subaru holds as regret. He recalled once more seeing her absent. It's not like her activeness was long. But at first, he could have her more outside of her 'cell' but more or less everyone in the mansion got uncomfortable with her except him.

But now he could not think about that.

Subaru and Emilia were sitting at the start and the end of the table. Emilia was the most important one and Subaru, the second most important seat according to etiquette.

Normally it would be Roswaal there. But that changed and unchanged at the same time.

Unchanged because even if Subaru meant to sit there… as Roswaal didn't have much say after things he had done. Was sitting there because Emilia wanted Subaru close and Subaru was no different.

Today. Subaru chose to sit there. It was a weird choice. But it was not only that.

The mood inside of the table was weird. Subaru would usually set the things warm… he was that kind of person and things would not get boring or cold with him around but now it was the opposite. No, there were times like these.

When Subaru is unhappy. It was hard to get the air around the room warm again. So, no matter how much Garfiel cracked jokes and Ram would bully Subaru that would not change. This was pretty much regular like a coin flip. Subaru would see Rem before he trains, after he trains… before breakfast, lunch and dinner.

That… depressive aura around him would either lift around him with him trying hard to make himself happy… On the other hand that was not always the case. Sometimes he would fail or wouldn't even care to try. That time wasn't easy for anyone in the mansion. Mostly the same reason but there were different cases.

Roswaal disliked it. Because Subaru was unpredictable when he wasn't so simple. After a while he came to realize he never was. But even so. If he were just happy or happy enough to not have a face devoid of any trace of emotion. It would relax him.

And then…

'With time, everything becomes bearable. Adaptation. And strong feelings shall lose their strength even if they are the loss of someone most important. Observation. In your case, that did not happen. Exceptional. But having such strong feelings wears down your soul. To the point of aging it. Incomprehensible. Fluctuation in your mental and emotional age. Unnatural. I never observed such a case. It cannot be healthy'

'You preserved the peace, happiness of others. And they can't stay happy when you are sad.'

"A compromise needs to be made. Will you sacrifice happiness you gave them to sharpen your Melancholy? Or You will risk forgetting and let your emotions of sorrow lessen… to preserve the happiness of theirs. Choice. Both of them, totally fine. You deserve this determination. You are a star of the new generation, not chosen, born or blessed enough to be where you are. But still. You are here. Proud. Exception. Remarkable determination…"

"You taken… no, created a role has no example of it even in the past. Original. Anomaly. Not a repetition."

And with that. Subaru chose to visit Rem every night. Pretty much no one knew that other than Beatrice. Subaru himself did not know that he exuded no presence or nothing to be sensed while going to visit that lovely sleeping princess.

Such talks between him and Clind started after Subaru more or less figured out his case. He did not question him. Since he did not see him as a threat or enemy. Clind, learning that. Come to respect Subaru, his understanding. Observing him became a habit. Such a dialogue option became possible. Some sort of pride felt inside of Butler's chest when looking at Subaru.

Believing that… if they were to give up in the past. They would not know such possibility and potential would exist. Future did not hold a character like Subaru… and many others. He took Pride.

The future was bright. But he, nor Annerose wasn't there. So he would not see it getting darker, or at least a possibility of getting into such a state.

With rare tension still in the air and everyone feeling it, except Emilia. Otto wanted to say something to Emilia but Subaru just glared at him. Subaru did not know if he was really going to put something in her mind to make her realize something… but he didn't care. He was already impossibly rude. Subaru felt shame for even trying to know more about this and even doing it in front of everyone. He was just a jealous pathetic piece of shit. But he also could not stop himself. This was such an insignificant topic. Maybe he did act as if she committed adultery but he also could not bear Emilia making that face to whatever she lived with Julius. She was making that face when she recalled their moment after green plains and when she recalled the kiss in sanctuary.

He feels like scum but he believes it's not fair. It's not fair that some random guy showing kindness can just reach that level. Ah… such a little thing and yet. He could not disregard it. He just gets hurt. So he needs to talk. Maybe all of this is just pointless and…

Well we will see. I feel damn empty ever since Sanctuary. I reached to absolute shit fuck. I don't know what to do. I have done absolutely nothing ever since.

"Subaru! Will you even listen? Are you perhaps feeling unwell? I can tell you later if you wa-" But he can't let that happen.

"No. Please start… How was it? Though how much do others know about it… guys?"

"We get to gist of 't. Though I feel like myself would do well without knowing."

"Garf! What are you saying it's already…"

It was not good at all. But Garfiel actually answered honestly. Which… made Subaru think maybe they would understand him… No. He is wrong here. He doesn't know how but he is always wrong anyway. He breaks promises. He gets left behind. All of them. It's all his fault.

Maybe they just know that he is sensitive like a little child.

He also didn't understand what Frederica meant by what she just said. Maybe they do wait for an embarrassing tantrum of a jealous child.

Subaru just keeps losing confidence. But confidence wasn't what got him here. It was determination. Fuck that thing seriously. He just can't stop.

While things were happening. Emilia had a cute expression with an invisible question mark beside her head. It was cute. But it didn't warm Subaru's heart.

"I didn't get what you guys are talking about at all!" She said with a lively voice. It had no hostility whatsoever. She genuinely did not understand. Subaru knew that very well.

"But whatever!" She clapped her hands together, seemingly a gesture before starting her story.

"It's just… as you all know I've failed miserably. With that… mister noble there wasn't kind at all. Well, it wasn't anything different but I knew we could get along maybe if I did better. After that I had to leave Otto behind because things would not work with me being there after everything. So I just did that. But then I was alone, Puck also… well I just didn't have anything to do and what happened there kept repeating… I was… I… wait a minute."

Subaru just had a blank expression and a cold feeling. His self hate got another level up. Then he also felt pathetic with not even coming to her mind. Perhaps she did not want him to see her like that but even so… it's not like anything could top how low she got in sanctuary. She truly became an obstacle after all. Subaru thought Emilia was depressed about that but not apparently. She just had problems about her past. And the weight came from the failure. Subaru thought Emilia realized the position she was in after weeks passed. But that never happened. Or perhaps she somewhat understands Roswaal tried to corner her… but then… that alone should bring more questions right? So she did not realize every action of Roswaal. To her, there was even some childishness. Ah…

Shortly. Failing itself shouldn't even come close to that time. Hiding it would not be wise and meaningless since he already knew that side of her very well.. He will make sure that she knows that.

I wonder why Roswaal made snow in her eyes. For fun?

Tch. Subaru felt disgusted for seemingly mocking that. Why did he do that? Why is his mind so wicked? Ugh. Ugly. Disgusting. And look at Emilia. Always right. Always righteous. Never faltering. Pure. Never tainted. Beautiful. She doesn't even fear most of the time. She was strong. Everything Subaru isn't. She is.

"Tch… Barusu. Trying to know about Emilia-sama's single time to visualize his perverted fantasies better. You better stop."

…?

Huh?

"Ram. What are you talking about? I just want to…" You. Sister? What are you trying to do here?

Subaru's cold calculating side was saying that she was trying to prevent what was to come because she would say something Subaru would not want to hear.

Subaru's self hating side was sure that she was just trying to save him from being cringe. Also hating himself again… for thinking Ram was that calculating while he was trying to be open with himself.

"Ram! It's fine. It's a good memory after all. It's just I kinda felt that sad moment again. Let me get to happy part"

"Happy part… Hah. Emi... Tch. Emilia-sama. Maybe you might want to keep it to yourself Barusu already knows eno-"

"Ram. I want to hear it. I don't know what happened. I wanted to listen here" Subaru said genuinely with a serious voice with no hostility. He wanted to know. And he tried to make Ram understand that.

Ram turned her face… and sighed, it felt like there was some rage in there but Subaru thought he was imagining things. He didn't do anything to anger her right?

Subaru took it on himself but it was unknown what she was angry at.

"Even so… you are bothering Emilia-sama, be understanding anddie. Barusu."

…die.

Die.

Die.

No. He will never be pathetic enough to kill himself… to prevent this… He won't lose that dignity… No… No… He wouldn't, right? He isn't that in love… Killing himself… just for Emilia… Because of her convenience… For…Ha…HA… He… isn't… it's... his life isn't about… no… it's not. He… He has a mom and father. Even if they are away… He… he isn't born to… die for that girl… No. N… … Haaaaa….It was as if his soul was getting crushed…

Him… being only a convenience for that girl…No…No…No…No… Ending alone….. With no one… dead…..AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

aaaaaaaaaaaaah…..AAAAAAAAAAAA NORMAL LONELY GIRL OR A BLESSED CHOSEN ONE THAT HEEEEEEEE SUMMONED TO KEEP HER SAFE…. hIS ONLY USE? HIS ONLY PURPOSE? DID HE EVEN HAVE A FREE WILL? DID THIS GIRL EVER ACTED LIKE A FAULTY BEING? A SAINT OR A YOUNG GIRL. VESSEL OR A LIVING BEING DOES EMILIA HE KNOW EVEN EXISTS? AAAa?a?a?a?a?a?a?a?a AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH?!aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH.

"Subaru, Lia… Emilia. Is born to be happy. So you have to keep him happy."

"Everything. Exist. For her to be happy…"

"Such happiness. This world is blessed with her being in it."

"Lia is dead. Now I will destroy this world."

"Everything in this world exists to bless her"

Never-ending obsession of seemingly light-sided people… But to him. It was all the same. Witch cult, these people. No difference.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhPAAAIN….WHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY CAN'T I HAVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVE A NORMALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LIFE? Damnnit…. I DON'T WANT KISS OF DEATH. I DON'T WANT KISS OF LIFE… JUST SOME LOVE DAMNIT. JUST SOME LOVE DAMNIT ORDINARY FUCKING LOVE… S…M….Some…one Please…. FUCK MEANINGS AND DEEP SHIT JUST WANT SOME LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. FUCK THE LOVE THAT DESTROYS WORLD FUCK THE LOVE WHO MASSACRES VILLAGES. FUCK THE LOVE THAT CAUSES WORSHIP… FUCK THE LOVE THAT MAKES SOMEONE DIE FOR ANOTHER, FUCK IT ALL.

In that moment he felt like if any woman showed some interest in him he would die from cumming. He was that deprived of any natural love. This sick perception of love EVERYONE had it, he had enough. Felix. Puck. Subaru FUCKING Natsuki. Betelguese. Petelguese. Her mother. Her other mother… fuck them all. FUCK THEM... FUCK THEM. FUCK. FUCK ROSWAAL. FUCK ECHIDNA. FUCK SATELLA. FUCK CARMILLA. FUCK ELSA. FUCK RAM. FUCK THEM ALL. All their twisted LOVE can go to FUCKING HELL!

For a moment Ram could see Subaru's eyes… and regretted what she said. Even if she did not mean any of it. Absolutely any of it. Why so… Why did her words lead to that look… Tch. She felt pathetic. It was the rarest emotion for her. For a second it was as if she felt his emotions through a bond. But that was impossible. Subaru, while called her sister all the time. They weren't siblings. But after she imagined how he felt… she felt pathetic for causing that. A failure of a sister.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. A way to stop this panic attack. Only one breath was needed. Subaru wasn't new to having a panic attack. Not at all. His silent screams only existed in his mind. He would not show it. No one would feel it. Even with Beatrice holding his hand on his lap. She would not feel it. He hid that good. He learned how to hide that good. He was a master at it. A spiritual bond would not detect that. It should. But it was naught against Natsuki Subaru's impossible wicked skill when it comes to abusing his own emotions.

When he worked hard at the mansion… to gain their trust. To not get killed by Rem. He was all over the place.

Compared his current self to that. Yes. Natsuki Subaru, who cannot hide anything, died. He didn't exist anymore. Now he was a masterful puppeteer. His dark self would be the puppeteer and his front self would be the puppet. Nothing ever controlled his actions. Nothing ever limited the being called Natsuki Subaru. Nothing decided his future. Nothing brings his demise.

Other than him.

"Emilia-tan please continue!" Subaru said with a…cheerful supportive energetic voice.

With hearing such a statement to continue from her knight Emilia gets the energy to continue. Others were stupefied by this. It felt natural. It felt real. But it could not… no, there was no way right?

"I was lost alone. Then Julius came to check on me, he is a reeeeeeeealy good person. But at that time I didn't realize that enough… but now I know it very well! He talked to me about it and I just… It felt right. I thought I could tell him everything. Julius was reeeeeeeeeeealy kind with that. He also assured me that it was fine if I didn't talk… I was actually absolutely fine with it but since he proposed that I indulged in his kindness… that was selfish of me wasn't it."

There were several opinions in the inhabitant's heads. And some slight reactions on their faces.

Subaru did not make any expression. He had a serious look in his eyes. It was obvious he didn't see anything but Emilia. Taking it in everything… every word, expression, tone, change in skin color. He was observing her. Even Emilia would feel weird with that look and face, maybe realizing something was wrong. But she was in her own world right now.

To Emilia. She was telling a good memory and someone became important to her. That was all.

To Subaru… all of this was… she was absolutely meaning it…

"Well… he sat beside me and just waited like that. It reeeeealy gave me even more confidence… him waiting long without saying a word. It was really nice. And we didn't even make a promise or anything like that. But Julius is a spirit arts user so… I think that's why. No. Wait. Hmmmmnnn… It's in character for him to act like that actually. Yes, that's it. I shouldn't just forget that."

… W…why? Are you thinking that hard… when it comes to him? I don't understand. I don't understand. Am I too simple? Shallow? Two dimensional? Nothing complicated? Empty? Why was he such a bad character… Subaru did not know. He could not change his nature no matter how hard he tried.

Self hate. Doubt. Emilia's words were a feast for such concepts inside Subaru. But ironically. The thoughts began to appear Subaru's minds would be rejected by all except perhaps some inhabitants of this mansion. The problem was that people living with Subaru were prone to think he was just a simple boy that can act very well in a crisis. People had a short time with him but actually observed him on the other hand, they had a glimpse of the true Natsuki Subaru.… A certain witch might actually go crazy if she heard Natsuki Subaru calling himself simple to understand. And she looked at his mind and heart. Seemingly not enough for her to comprehend him even after devouring his very being. Natsuki Subaru was an endless ocean of content for that woman.

But Subaru would not listen to anyone but Emilia. Hence… the pain.

"Then I… decided that I am going to talk with him. I talk about all of it… I was a mess, crying and all. But I tried reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeealy hard. And Julius started comforting me but… at that moment I thought he was just being kind and thought he was lying. I told him to just forget about it but he didn't… he is a knight I guess that's why." Emilia again, stayed silent for a while… closed her eyes, there was a happy, brimming expression on her face. Subaru just… don't understand. He tried really hard… and at last. She would make that sometimes. Even in this little talk. She was just doing it all the time.

It hurt. Maybe it was something insignificant but it hurt. Maybe Subaru was just pathetic. But it hurt. They weren't together so she might just decide that it was someone else for him and not Subaru. It hurt.

Subaru knew… the truth. His eyes opened. But even so… he kept listening.

"I was… just being stubborn and kept calling him a liar. Even when he was such an honest person with a strong personality. Thanks to spirits we were alone. And only he saw that embarrassing side of me. He talked about how strong I was for enduring so many hardships and still standing there. And so much more. He convinced me of all of that. I really feel like a different person. It's as if I am stronger now. At some point I even…

Got too close to him and stick to him like a baby. It was reeeeeealy weird I guess. Maybe I even bothered his spirits by getting too close. But thankfully he calmed me down… Then we talked with Minor spirits together. It was magnificent how strong affinity he has and how much his spirits grow. I couldn't make my minor spirits even close to Quasi level in 7 years and he did grow them in such a time. Subaru, it might sound like a loooooooong time but it's really isn't. I don't think Beatrice will grow any further but I think you should learn more about them Subaru! Julius even talked about your weird sensitivity. It seems you do have a talent. Even if you don't know much, we can talk together to minor spirits. I am not sure if they would like you but it's worth a try. But whatever. We spend the next 2 day in the Capital like that. It was reeeeeeeeeeealy fun. We sparred together as training. Thanks to you teaching me Ice brand arts… I could learn more about using sword from Julius."

It's as if she was trying to find wounds to pour salt on but she wasn't doing it purposefully. Not one bit. What is this… it was as if she was emphasizing how much better Julius is. What is this? What is this? At some point Subaru felt like his attempt at romance was laughed at by the universe and he would never be happy with someone. Emilia's understanding was lacking but she was… absolutely did not see Subaru as a man. Not one bit. This made it clear. It bothered him. These feelings are disgusting, arrogant and scummy to others maybe… but that's how Subaru felt. He was bothered by all of this even if Emilia wasn't his lover.

Emilia wasn't his lover.

Emilia wasn't his lover.

Subaru did not have a lover. There was that one girl with a broken mind. Maybe it was from guilt but… even that love… no, that can't be love. You don't just want your love to kill you. Fuck that. No one loved Subaru in that way. He just had no chance with romance perhaps.

Subaru did not say anything and just stayed sad… with a shadow covering his expression. But someone had it enough.

"This ain't no joke… hmm. But Cap'n I don't think you should take tis seriously" Garfiel talked with a normal voice. His hand was on his chin and he had a thoughtful and intelligent look on his face. Analyzing the situation.

"Garfiel?" Subaru questioned. What was he talking about? He had no idea.

"Garfiel? What are you talking about?"

"Ah… as mineself expected Cap'n did not figure it out but I think that normal" Garfiel ignored Emilia and talked to Subaru. "You see… all of this 's just ridiculous. Ain't no way happening."

Everyone looked at him with weird expressions.

"You see Cap'n that's basically… copy pastin ya to some random handsome knight. Confusing you t'gether with someone else. That ain't happenin… so."

Subaru kept listening to Garfiel.

"Emilia-sama is brainwashed by the Witch Cult. My great self will protect her and if you strugglin' to tell her why it's all so dumb… mineself can do it. While I ain't no good at talkin… anyone can see the problems here."

"...Maybe it's just like he said? Could that be it… even if it's Emilia-sama… it's weird isn't it" Otto… who would normally think clearly, started to agree with Garfiel but then… someone with a sharp blade of reality cut those delusions.

"Garf, what are you even talking about! All of this is ridiculous because Emilia…." She calmed herself down… but instead of getting more soft. She only got colder.

"It's all ridiculous. But that's because Emilia-sama is ridiculous. It has nothing to do with the cult or anything… She just hurts Subaru without even knowing it. Emilia-sama? Do you have any idea what you are saying? Subaru here probably thinks he is bad here all because of YOU! Are you even trying? Why it's so hard for you?" Petra said with a cold voice… so many emotions inside trying to crack through that coldness. But she did not let that happen. She could not give an excuse to the girl she was looking to… but her understanding of this or not wasn't the most important.

Most important thing to touch upon was…

She walked towards Subaru… he was looking at her with widened and dead tired eyes. In the end. Subaru caught off guard by one thing. That was Petra.

"Subaru, it's okay. It really is… it's weird that this is even happening. But it seems Emilia-sama just thought it was fine to stay as she was even after everything happened." She held his hand and looked at him with a sad expression. Even as a girl in love… Petra could not help but want all of this to be a dream of hers. This wasn't fair at all. His hands were so cold…

"P-Petra… I… I didn't… do anything wrong with Julius. I didn't hurt him or anything, he was stronger than me so he was fine when we sparred! But if you are talking about something else…Did someone lied to you guys or something?"

"Hkkkggh?" It was Garfiel. There was only shock on his face.

"Wait… so. What's happenin here then?"

"Emilia."

With Garfiel's question… actually several people started talking and arguing at the same time but then Subaru called out to Emilia and a silence started.

"What do you think about love?"

"Huuu… But… What's going on? I don't understand. Subaru please… do something." With everyone seemingly at some way or another reaching the understanding that she was wrong. She tried to depend on Subaru.

"It's related to all of that. Just answer. And I'll tell you my piece of mind. In the end. You'll have a start. Even if you don't just understand everything at once… which you think is normal. But no, people agonize and struggle with thoughts, you can't just understand everything at once… instead of just living and breathing and knowing everything... That's what makes life precious." Seemingly trying to calm her down and lending a piece of wisdom… which Emilia thought was weird for Subaru to do…

"Love… I…" Seemingly got better. Emilia smiles with a sweet beautiful expression. Subaru was blank as he was a moment ago. With that, Emilia thinks she wants to put a smile on Subaru's face.

She puts her hand on her chest. Seemingly proud. And then holds the crystal Puck resides in. Getting support from it.

"Puck loves me. Always cared for me. Watch me grow up… never left me… now he did it but it can't be helped… I'll believe we will be together forever and never leave each other again when I awaken him. I really love him. And dad loves me." She said with a passionate voice.

"Mother Fortuna loves me. She will always be with me. I'll never break my promises. She is the important feeling that I would not remember if I did not face the trial. I love her."

"Guese loves me. First time he saw me he cried from happiness. I didn't even know him before… Thanks to his memory I know there might be people who love me even if I don't know them. I love him." Until now she was passionate and it was as if she was screaming to the skies. It was a magical sight.

Then… a blush covered her face.

"Subaru… Subaru loves me. You keep saving me. And you always get hurt for me. I don't know how I feel about you and it's reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeealy weird… But I want to be with Subaru" She said calmly but there were only genuine emotions behind…

…

…

"Emilia."

"What?"

"Before starting… what I am going to say. I want to ask you something."

She smiled. As if showing she will be understanding whatever that request was. "What is it?"

"Please do not ever again put me together with anyone. Please. I beg of you… I am not like them" Subaru was dead serious. There was helplessness in his voice… it was as if Emilia questioned too much he would drown in emotions.

"H…Huh?"

"Actually. Forget about what I was going to say for now… What the hell does "People might love me" even if I don't know them!? Don't you have a problem with that?"

"Hu…h… What are you talking about Subaru? I don't understand at all!" It was as if the color of love drained from his pure white face. She made a shocked face.

"Emilia. You do… No. I mean it's obvious right? Who would cry at the sight of you from the beginning?"

"...Someone reeeeeeeeeeeealy loves-"

"NO! FUCK NO?! What the fuck?"

"Hhgh.." Emilia's words were cut down by Subaru.

"Emilia… even if it's love. Extreme is bad. You might think that you suffered only because people hate you because you look like Satella but the opposite is also true!"

More or less anyone in the room gasped how nonchalant Subaru was when it comes to saying the witches name. But he did not care.

"Emilia. That guy… literally obsessed sicko, because he is obsessed with Satella. A fucking creep. Maybe he helped your village but that only beca-"

"SHUT UP! HOW CAN YOU SAY SUCH CRUEL THINGS!"

"BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING TRUE!" Even in her raged state… She was taken back. Power behind Subaru's emotions… his care for her… his hate for people affected her so much. Possibility of their relationship breaking. He took all the risk to help Emilia…

"He is… a witch cultist. No mistake."

"Explain then Subaru… how my father is a witch cultist for LOVING ME! TELL ME!"

"Because… he is the one who fucking can turn you into Witch of fucking Envy or whatever you might turn into…"

"N…No… Neve… he never would…"

"What do you mean he never would… Let me tell you. Unlike you, I did not have a pleasant past with a tragedy followed by your heroic freezing of the for-"

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Stupid. Idiot! How can you! I freeze them all… what do you mean heroic!? It's all my fault"

"ARE YOU STUPID. WOULDN'T THEY JUST DIE IF YOU DIDN'T FREEZE THEM HUH!?"

"HKH?!" Emilia had no retort.

"It was easier for you to think that it's all your fault. You never even questioned such a simple thing… And to begin with did you think why the fuck you lose control?"

"..." Emilia just kept silent as if she just had no answer for anything Subaru kept saying without stopping. Others just baffled and watched them fight from beginning to end of the table. For some reason Emilia wished Subaru was closer. Even when he was the one striking her with words.

"It's not like I am smart or have any knowledge about magic… but didn't you say that you once lost control in the same way and minor spirits prevented it? How the heck minor spirits can control your witch like power huh? If your mother didn't just let you sit in one place the whole life and make you accept who you are… maybe you would have a choice to freeze the place or not." Subaru did not mean any insult. It was just… Subaru did not even use witch as an insult. It was just… he knew Emilia had great power and he was stating that. If she had a little bit of awareness of her nature and powers. Emilia could do far more than minor spirits.

Weird enough. Only some people in that table understood that and others just gasped with shocked faces. Ironically, Emilia wasn't one of them. Even with her understanding of things being so weak. She had experience about this one thing… She was called Witch for her whole life… And yet… Subaru, who meant to not call her that… the one person who would never call her that.

Could just call her that without hurting her.

That moment. Emilia understands Subaru wasn't like Puck. Who made her convinced that… even if the world believed she was a witch. She wasn't. And he would always believe that and he said he would not let her become one.

Subaru was different… 'Ah… so weird… why… why… I…' Subaru honestly did not care. Emilia did not understand how or why… But even if she were to be a witch or become one. Subaru just didn't care about that. He was different. Even if she became one… with her all power… would Subaru still be with her… Ah… Ah… It was painful for some reason. Her chest. It was as if something was stabbing her from the heart every time her chest pounded. Both stabbings and her heart beat got faster. Subaru was thinking that her face had become red and because she was going to cry. But that was incorrect.

If she said these thoughts right there, loudly. It would be salvation for both of them but, leave alone saying it. It was a question if she would even remember this warm feeling and thoughts. Because with those words… There was also a question about her own mother. That she rejects everything… but she cannot escape.

"I honestly do not care." She lost her chance for salvation. He started his statement. A statement that would forever stay with her. "You can become one for all I care. I won't even judge you if you pull some authority out of your but, I'll teach you. I'll teach you things even if I don't teach myself if that future ever comes to pass. If you stay yourself that is… if you can't stay yourself at your core. Then I won't let you become anything let alone a witch. Not a Queen. Not a Hero. Not anything. I won't even be with you if that's what is going to be your escape from reality. You aren't going to save your people if it's sacrificing yourself. You just don't have that right. Not one bit. If I did not choose any path similar to that. Then you don't either. This is absolute. To begin with I was cornered all because of that. You are not the only one who had problems in trials."

"Suba…ru?" Even with all that anger and rejection inside of Emilia. After Subaru mentioned his trials… Emilia's inside is filled with another emotion. Worry. Worry for her knight.

"I… let's say my trials. Were different. And I don't know how many times you tried but… you won't ever come close to my numbers."

"W..Wait a minute Cap'n… I don't want to get between you but you said something I… myself just… can't let it slide. It's important for me… What do you mean by 'numbers'"

"Subaru…"

"You cannoooooot try them allllll the time? What doooo you mean by that?" Even Roswaal was baffled. If Subaru just let it slide. He would think it was because of loops… but he had a feeling this is different.

"Behold an unthinkable present"

"Agh!" Emilia felt a bit of pain inside of her. Subaru… second trial… he never told her. Why?

"That… That… Why is it different?" The line Garfiel heard was different.

"This…is the second trial Garfiel… at least that's what I heard before starting the second trial." Emilia explained even in her state. Wanting to know more, that's why she moved the conversation forward. This… talks they have today. It was very important. And hurtful. But she put her heart into it.

But Subaru…

"Behold an unthinkable present"

"Hmm…" Emilia said. Confirming again that it's what she heard when Subaru repeated it again.

"Behold an unthinkable present"

Thinking that he did not hear her confirmation… Emilia nodded clearly.

"Behold an unthinkable present"

Subaru… What was he doing… his voice was robotic… Emilia thought that would be the voice Subaru hear

"Behold an unthinkable present"

To make that voice… like that… how many times he heard that…

"Behold an unthinkable present"

The thought of it broke Emilia's heart.

"Behold an unthinkable present"

"Hghh!" Garfiel reacted… seemingly thought of something. Coming to realization that his Cap'n probably just kept pushing… That was so like him. He would praise him later but… it just chills down to his spine right now.

Subaru just kept going with that scary sentence that would haunt some of them… which included people who did not even know about the trials.

"Behold an unthinkable present"

"Stop…"

"Behold an unthinkable present" Subaru kept saying with an uncaring, cold emotionless voice. The feeling of sharing his suffering was good. Really good.

"STOP IT I SUPPOSE! I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED BUT I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS STUPID SENTENCE. SHUT IT IN FACT!" The one person that can't take it more than anyone was Beatrice… if he kept going. Surely some of them would meekly try to stop him.

"Subaru… I… didn't want to shout in fact. But at least… you should feel proud I suppose… trying over and over again in one night… I just wished you had told Betty before."

"Subaru… I"

"Cap'n is an idiot. But he is a brave idiot. No this is just something I can't put into words… but you are awe-"

"What are you guys talking about… heh?"

!

Extremely depressive voice with self hate dripping from the words… Subaru started talking.

"I never said I tried so many times. I past both of them at one time"

""Huh?""

"It's just… hmm… I want to say that it's Echidna. Or something like that but probably not. If she wanted a reaction out of me… she could say to my face and it would have it the same… not to mention she wasn't waiting for me to break from that… hmm… well the reason is quite a mystery. But my second trial. Was more than one trial."

"Subaru… What are you talking about? I do…I really don't understand… Why are you talking about it as if Echidna wanted something?"

"Ah… it's really got complicated. Is it even fine to talk about this stuff in front of Margrave?" Otto… finally gained his logical mind back. Stated.

"Tea parties are a big no. Normally… she took my memories. But then I said I wanted to remember them and she was quite happy with that proposition… I wonder why." Last part was a lie. If this was old Subaru he wouldn't even think about that but after events of the sanctuary… thinking about his time with Echidna both came from his heart and it was also a mental gymnastics for his philosophical questions.

"Well… basically. I didn't promise anything. But I am not going to say anything anyway. I won't also say that there is absolutely nothing. That tea party was one hell of a… Well. That's all."

"Subaru wait… You can tell. You… You said you didn't promise right?" Emilia, wanting to know what happened desperately. Answered. Trying to give a way to Subaru.

"Even promises are bad when they are taken to extremes. For example… if Frederica broke her vow. We wouldn't have any problem with Sanctuary and Mansion at the same time. While Beako was stubborn… I would beg until she got out within 2 days of preparation. Again… Don't look at me like that Emilia… It's just bad. Just think about it later… You don't have to agree with me. If you have your opinion that would be enough " Just when Emilia was going to answer. Someone took the spotlight to her with no effort.

"Hmhp… Subaru is hopeless without me I suppose"

"Yes."

"Hu..h… I…Yeah… Hmmm… Subaru would be sad without Betty I suppose"

"No doubt. I cannot live without you"

"Haaah…. GNyaaaaaaaa! Why do you get so bold suddenly like that I suppose… Betty's maidenly heart is vulnerable, it can't only take so much!" With that Beatrice just put her face on Subaru's chest. Subaru knowingly started caressing her hair with a kind but firm hand.

"Subaru… then you answer me now! Why are you so adamant about keeping a 'promise' you didn't even verbally form… for all you know Echidna just did not care!"

"Well… Even I believe that after some time I would remember or gain immunity to that kind of thing… For some reasons that I cannot tell. But… it was just mutually agreed I think."

"BUT YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT WHEN IT COMES TO ME?! WHY DO YOU KEEP YOUR PROMISES WITH HER? HOW MUCH MORE YOU MADE?!"

This time Subaru was taken back… Emilia had such a force in her words. It was far more than before.

"You promise crazed woman! IT'S NOT THE SAME THING! I DID BROKE THEM AND IT'S BAD I KNOW IT. BUT I HAD MY REASONS. WHAT DO YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN IF I DID NOT BREAK THEM AGAIN AND WOULD NOT LEAVE THAT MANOR?"

…

"Not to mention… Don't you just have another way of forming trust? Even after everything we lived… you made me promise to come to your room… I felt bad for a while… Why are you so fixated on promises?"

"I maybe a bit more than others… But Subaru, you are the one different. Don't you know everyone keeps their promises?" Emilia said firmly.

"Everyone… keeps theirs?"

"Yes! That's right! Everyone keeps theirs… breaking promises is such a rare thing Subaru! And you do it all the time! Don't you feel weird? Or any discomfort? Pain in your chest? Guys… please tell them, people keep their promises. Sometimes even when they know it might be a bad thing to do!"

"..." Subaru slowly looked around the room. To confirm this…

Everyone's faces were telling one thing… even when they were with Subaru most of the time in argument… Those faces were telling one thing.

Promises are that important.

"Hah… Is that so… no matter what. You have to do what you are bind to do? Even when it might be worse?"

"Yes. To prevent that you can just be careful while making your promises Subaru… but yes, you should keep them. No matter what."

…

"Would you keep a promise if you absolutely knew that it would destroy me? Let's not talk about my life or something like that. I don't know what kind of impression of a broken person but… try to imagine that while thinking about it. A promise… but consequences are, I will get to broken beyond repair. Tell me."

"H…Hgh… I… No." Emilia… was struggling… eyes closed and her face going left and right as if agonizing over this scenario.

But then. She stops. As if gained sudden confidence and found her answer.

"I would not… make such a promise! Never!"

"Ah…. Isn't that just escaping? Are you actually telling me it's impossible?"

"Yes. It's impossible."

"You… Ah… ahahaha." Subaru slowly laughed… turning his head to the side slowly muttering.

.

.

.

.

.

"Promise" is such a nice word isn't it?

.

.

.

.

Emilia was just looking at Subaru with a blank face. It was… how? Why? The overlapping image of too many people saying the same words with an impossible accuracy. It was as if their emphasis was also the same. The tone and meaning behind.

"What? It's that terrifying for you? A promise breaker? But again. I said what I said because in the end. It's binding and it's dirty. I don't want our trust to build upon binds."

…

"Well. Back to trials. I have seen one where I was dead and got possessed by your father. Who I actually killed."

…

"Yeah. The guy who we tried so hard to kill? The Sin archbishop. That's the same guy."

"Liar." A cold voice. Cold enough… cold enough to compare to once she screamed those words… would she say it like this if he had not formed that sinful sentence?

"I see. Whatever. In the trial, Puck looks at this guy too much. And his memories come back. Which he lost by contracting to you. THAT'S BREAKING A PROMISE, just in case you decide to not think about that. And then… he dies. Before that he tries to finish him but that guy was so fast and Puck was dumb enough to state his ability to kill his soul."

"Trial… things in trial aren't… absolute and… real" She was still with a somewhat hostile voice… against Subaru. Who still… unfazed… Emilia knew it was disgusting because she wanted some sort of uncontrolled reaction from Subaru… just to… make sure… just to not overlap with something she shouldn't. Something, anything… But Subaru did not mind the cold in her words or dropping room temperature.

"Nope. That's not how it works. Did you perhaps not listen to Echidna? Or it's just she didn't tell you. It's the second I guess. But-

"Subaru. It just doesn't matter. What are you saying doesn't matter" Emilia was harsh. Cutting his sentence. Not caring what he was going to say. Emilia continues.

"It's Echidna. You can't trust her. Anything you learned from her trial, just forget it" It was hypocrisy but Emilia didn't care.

!

Subaru felt Beatrice reacting to that on his chest. He calmed her down while petting her more.

"Not in this case. Because the vow he has. The life he had been given. It's all from Echidna. And in the end. He does not care about anything other than you being alive or not… It's really that simple. He wants you to be happy but it's not even a high priority for him. In the end he is just a spirit. Keeping you alive is his only thing. Why do you think he woke up to severe the contract? Because he chose to do so to make you regain your memories and that you would grow? That's me if you are confused. He was content in his stone until I kinda… went for your neck while sleeping to awaken him forcefully so I could talk. Thank god he was weak willed. I was thinking of severing myself if not for that. "

"...Liar. Liar. Liar! All of this is a lie. Nothing more. A BIG LIE!"

"It's no lie. By the way, You cannot tell him this. He can die. Literally. Not that I…. well. Beatrice would be sad. But he should not remember anything about Echidna or about the past… or himself."

But Emilia did not miss the part where he stated he just didn't mind him dead.

"SO YOU MEAN YOU WOULDN'T CARE IF HE GONE AFTER YOU WERE GETTING ALONG SO WELL? WHEN DID YOU BECOME THIS CRUEL SUBARU! HOW CAN YOU JUST KEEP SAYING SUCH THINGS?"

"Because I am free."

…

"And I will always be. And it shouldn't be a problem, no? Since while I think she made him without wanting to or just she had some annoyance to someone. I wouldn't prize her for creating Puck. But if you want to see something magnificent and to be proud of it, you just need to look here."

Subaru slowly reached Beatrice's hair with his lips and gave a slow kiss. It was as if a love itself was getting transferred over. Beatrice knew she shouldn't think this but this day may be best after all. So many precious memories. So much to think over. So much she learned about Subaru. She knew it was a bad day for him and the little girl. But she just couldn't help it.

"Ha…Hahh…..No…"

"It's true. And I won't let you say anything either. Unlike him. Beatrice is perfect. It's Echidna who made her and she is awesome the way she is. "

"Unghuuuuyuuuuu" She made some cute happy noises that sounded even more hilarious on his chest.

"Li..ar."

"To be honest. It took me so much to realize because of her existence but… I just hate all the spirits you know? I just can't stand them for some reason. Even if I were to die, I would not contract with one. I understand why now. They just don't have a 'self'. And Puck is no different. Only Beatrice exists for me. Puck was so careless. As his contractor. You should take this seriously and learn more about him. Then take some responsibility and make a decision."

"..." She did not say anything but she just nodded. It was hard to see. But Subaru knew she did. Did she do that to run away from this conversation? Or was it a conviction? Subaru did not know.

"Oh. One more thing."

"What of it?" Emilia said with venom.

"Beatrice knew Guese. He was a witch cultist. No mistake there. Also she had spent more time with him than you. I was the one who killed him too. That's also real. But another truth is that… that guy killed LOTS of people. Not to mention elves he targeted. He was the most known Archbishop after all. His Unseen Hands. Was dangerous. I had to kill him with Julius and then kill him again when he got up out of nowhere"

…

"Emilia. I will be blunt. You may not care after so many heavy topics. But I… I love you. But I am also hurt. You may not understand this but seeing you with someone depending on them is as if I don't exist… or you are overlapping my image with them. I hate it. I can't bear it. So I just have to decide things for myself…"

Emilia raised her head… looking at Subaru… still some cold remained but there were also emotions that were unknown to Subaru… some sort of hesitation and trying to understand something maybe? "You are still kind after all of this. Thank you. It's probably just me being disgusting."

Emilia averted her eyes… Subaru did not think Emilia thought of him as disgusting, more like she could not reject what he said because she also thought something bad about him? Or maybe she did think of him as disgusting right now. It was hard to know.

Subaru slowly got up. Still holding Beatrice who acted like she was stuck to Subaru with some glue. Even with her worrying and so on. Beatrice had so much happiness too.

Subaru thought that… probably all of the things he revealed would be discussed there.

While he was walking towards his room with a bittersweet, defeated expression… Someone sticks to him from behind.

It was Emilia. She smelled good… her skin, even with clothing, she felt good on his back. How much he was in love with her seriously?… It was a crazy feeling.

She held onto him from his shoulders and pressed her chest to his back… it was a weird position because he was holding Beatrice and she could not hug him properly. Why was she hugging him… he did not know. He is sure that she did not conclude anything yet… and she wasn't so good with him right now.

And yet…

"What's going to happen from now on?" She asked.

"Well… I said I was going to wait for you… wait for you until you reply." That was what Subaru said… slowly… her getting in love with him. That was the thought behind it.

"Can I… accept that as a promise?" It was asked in a normal voice with some hope in it. Subaru knew that physical action couldn't be made with that intention… but her chest pressed harder to his back. It was instinctual perhaps. But he also knew that Emilia knew more than she let on… like him trying to touch her hair.

"Was that a promise? I… I really don't know much about it, I guess… It might be weird but… I don't know much about how that thing works here. It wasn't intended to be a promise. I swear." Subaru also did not lie. Those words were not spoken with the intention of making a promise.

"I know. You just said it. It made me… really happy. It wasn't a promise. But you can make one right here. I… I know it's not going to… fix much. Won't help you either. It's selfish. But… It would really help me." She was truly honest. An honest girl. She had such an ease conveying herself. She was some kind of genius at that, that's what Subaru genuinely thought.

Promise huh…

"No."

"No? Are you… really sure? Subaru… can you… let me trust you. I know. I know you can keep your promise. I believe in you."

This was… beyond selfish.

While she was honest. This love… waiting for someone and suffering. Staying hungry for any type of affection like an animal. Subaru did not want to become something convenient for Emilia. Subaru did not want to put the same category with other people obsessed about Emilia.

"No. That is a promise I cannot make. Because… even those words were somewhat wrong… it was a word formed of trying to hold on to something and not being left alone perhaps."

"Why would you think like that? I think they were beautiful… I… I know I did not try hard enough. Since feelings are scary things… but after this. I don't think Subaru will have to wait too much for his answer… so can you please… a little bit more? Just a little bit more?"

"I can't."

He heard her gasp.

"W..Why is that?"

Then he turned towards her… with tears flooding from his eyes… but he was not sobbing. It was an internal pain that he cannot empty. That's why as always. Subaru was crying silently and screaming silently.

"It's because… you cannot wait when you already get your answer." Emilia shook her head.

"That is not true. That is not true at all. Subaru got no answer. I made him wait all this time… now I understand this. But I never… answered you."

"I… I was alway answered actually… when I was left at that moment in the capital. It's not like you were wrong to do that… or at least not completely. But it was a rejection nonetheless. When you tried to distance yourself from me when I didn't know why after the Mabeast incident. That was a rejection too. To be honest, Every time you forced yourself to trust me… while trying to make promises to bind us. As if we can fall apart any moment. It was a rejection. So many rejections. Sometimes emotional rejection. Sometimes person called Natsuki Subaru get rejected. Sometimes my efforts and every now and then my intentions would. But I know that I also get rejected in truest sense… When you talked about not knowing how you feel in that grassy plain. I… I should have known that you just didn't love me. Because Emilia… you always learned about love… after you felt it right? While I have so many things to say about people who love you. You learned about them when you felt it right? Because honestly there is just no other way… Emilia….

Do you feel like you know how to love a man right now? No. Maybe you know that but not… thanks to me… There is nothing to ask, is there… Emilia. I you… well. You understand that. I really don't want to say it."

"I… don't love you then…"

"Sniff… Sniff… Ah… yes. That's… true. You do not love me. You care about me and so on. But you don't love me. You can't give me things that a lover can give. And I failed to reach your heart." Subaru's nose started to fill. He wondered if he was going to cry his heart out now or after this. He did not know. His inside was chaotic right now.

"Do you feel like you learned about love?" It was obvious that Subaru was asking about the love… type of love you feel for a male. A love other than familial love.

"No. I don't love Julius either. I don't love him at all. It was a mistake. I… I acted as if he would act like Subaru… I… I really messed up perhaps… no… I did it. Did that hurt you Subaru?"

"Yes. It did." No need to hide anything.

"Oh… I see…. I am sorry for-"

"Please… don't say that. Apologizing for not loving me? No. I wanted that love to be as natural as possible. That's why… Please don't."

"Natural… hmm… If Subaru says it'' That sentence only gave birth to more questions. But Emilia did not ask.

He slowly walked towards his room.

But then…

Emilia ran past him… then slowed down in front of him… walking backwards while looking at his teary hurt face. It was a face that cracked something inside of her. Every second she looked at it was getting longer and longer but she had to embrace that pain…

"Subaru! If… You were the only one… That I was happy with getting special treatment. That… did not change. THANK YOU!" With that, she turned away and ran as fast as possible.

Subaru's face… she would never forget that face. It's not like the ice in her heart melted after Subaru's harsh words, truths and lies… no… in the end. Making Subaru wear that face… causing that was Emilia's biggest problem.

That's why… it wasn't ice over her heart was cracked. It was the heart itself.

With a feeling that she was bleeding and wounded… even in that moment she just couldn't stop that one wish she tried so hard to not wish.

"If only Puck was here."

In the end. She knew that she was irredeemable. With that wish, she was sure of that.

---

Subaru spitting everything, called out as promise breaker.

Emilia did not have enough plot power she has in canon so when she said inconsiderate stuff. It hurt Subaru and yep... in the end. All the times she got away with no damage hit her at once.

Last line... had too much possibilities. Could have write "If only Subaru was here" And we have a smarter Emilia who is unchained.

Could have write "if only Julius was here" and this whole thing would turn into a very hardcore Lone Star. I can't see the future so I don't know if you guys can get into that too much but... if you did and see "If only Julius was here" After Emilia was shown to have some hope here unlike Lone Star. Just imagine the damage you would get from that line. And no, it does make sense with Emilia's... not-so-good dependency problems.

From Juli POV you might either think he was a prick and did enjoy every second with no thought about what will all of that cause or he was awkward all the way down. It's middle I think. He did get uncomfortable when Emilia just hugged him. But he was happy and indulged with training and spirit arts talk and spar. He also laughed at Emilia's comments about Subaru would not be able to handle sparring so Juli is good and stuff. She really was thoughtless. Tried to merge Canon Emilia(bad) and Fanon Emilia(awesome) that's why in some parts she shows some promise.

I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA ABOUT PAIRING MORE THAN STAR IF ACTUALLY, I HAD CANDIDATES THERE, NOT THIS TIME, I DUNNO WHO WILL WIN AT ALL. You want your girl to win? Write long juicy reviews or comments. (And yes. Emilia is included. If I chose her she can shine very well. Even after this BS. She wasn't lying when she said she didn't loved Julius)

I don't know if I'll continue this. No schedule too, unfortunately. Will write for the contest and Star IF.

And if you are wondering why I wrote this... I said I would and Pupil said " No balls"

And while I said this is not a one-shot. And can continue with 4k or something word chapters. I dunno if I should do that. It's actually quite fast paced action if I ever do. bUT AGAIN. IF YOU GET ME MOTIVATED MAYBE... BEST WAY IS TO GO KUDOS/FOLLOW STAR IF. XD. YES. NOT EVERY FIC IS EQUAL AND STAR IF IS ALWAYS THE FAVORITE FOR ME!

I hope I won't regret writing this lmao. It's 3AM I am writing author notes. It's always late when I write this stuff it should be obvious.