Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong solely to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended
Happy Sunday!
Chapter 4
"Okay. I think I've got it. Dress like an assclown and feed him a line of bullshit when he asks about my career goals."
"Jesus, Edward," my dad grumbles into the receiver. "I don't think that's quite what I said."
"No, I think your exact words were 'Lie, Edward.'"
"Well, you are studying music, so it's not a complete untruth. And your mother and I still have hope you'll consider another occupation. You know we light a candle at church every Sunday; that shit's gotta stick one of these days."
"Wow. Thanks for the vote of confidence. I'll be sure to dedicate my first MTV VMA to my supportive parents."
"Fuck, son, you could at least aim for a Grammy. Don't you have any ambition?"
"Whatever. Can we get back to the subject at hand? Bella and her dad. . ."
"Yeah, of course, but I still don't understand what that sweet girl sees in you."
"What she sees is my gigantic dick on the daily."
"Edward!"
"I'm kidding. I'm kidding."
Not really, but my girl loves me for more than my joystick. Even though I'm a master in the sack, I'm also loving, respectful, romantic, and all that other shit girls care about.
Because let's face it. . .I'm the complete package.
"So, that brings us to the next step. You need to be confident without being an asshole. I think this might be your downfall."
"What's that supposed to mean? I'm confident; I'm so confident I perspire that shit."
Hmm. That might make a dope song lyric.
"And that's exactly what I'm talking about, Edward. It's amazing that you haven't gotten injured tripping over that massive ego of yours. You need to take it down a couple of notches. It is possible to appear self-assured without also acting like a jerk."
"So, you're telling me this man would rather his daughter date a fucking wuss?"
"If you're the other option, then more than likely yes. But seriously, just be respectful and polite. Don't walk around with that goddamn smirk on your face all the time."
"But Bella loves my smirk. She says it makes her wetter than a cucumber at a women's prison."
All right. She didn't really say those precise words, but as I said before, I like to yank my old man's chain whenever I can.
When I hear him choke and hack on the other end of the line, my inner musings cease. "Pops? Are you okay?"
"Don't ever say shit like that to me again, Edward," Dad sputters between coughs. Once he recovers, he sighs. "You know, the more I think about it, maybe you should just pretend to be out of the country for a decade or so. Meeting Bella's dad right now is probably not such a good idea."