"Yogasm."
Kathlyn looks at me and blinks, before she snorts in the most unladylike fashion, while Ruby cringes like I just found out her chickenless nuggets were subjected to cross-contamination.
"Yogasm?" Ruby says, still cringing.
"So the sexual innuendo is purely coincidental?" Ruby asks, still doing that thing where her brows draw together. She tugs on her ponytail, then twirls the golden hair around her finger thoughtfully.
"Not accidental. Genius," Kathlyn says warmly. She pulls a chocolate lollipop out of her bag and pops the cellophane wrapper off. "Want one?"
"Gimme," I say, making grabby hands, because I've been dying for a good chocolate fix and haven't gotten over the carob-infused monstrosity Ruby tried to trick me into eating earlier. Don't ever let anyone tell you carob and chocolate are synonymous. They lie.
Kathlyn grins, handing me what looks like a…
"Babe, did you get… smooshed… manhood pops? Were these, like, bachelorette party rejects?"
Ruby rolls her eyes. "Manhood? Big girls say penis, Regina. My God, you and your euphemisms."
I flip her off then tear the wrapper off my pop.
Kathlyn nearly chokes. "Big girls say cock, Ruby, not penis, unless you're wearing a white coat and giving someone a prostate exam. And babe… they do not look like manhoods or penises or cocks. You really are a virgin, aren't you?" she asks in the Same tone one might say, you really are an orphan, aren't you? She sighs. "This pop's an irregular lobster."
"Same thing," I mutter, popping the chocolate in my mouth and immediately moaning. My God, it's good, none of that cheap stuff. Creamy and rich and decadent, coating my mouth in all the delightful ways high-quality chocolate should.
"They were in the half-off bin at a little chocolate shop in town," Kathlyn says. "And they look mutilated after a good suck anyway, so I bought 'em."
"Are we talking about penises or pops?" Ruby says, shaking her head. "And can we please go back to the shop name?"
Kathlyn twirls the pop in her mouth and shoots me a wink, a lock of her thick, chestnut waves falling across her forehead, giving her the appearance of a movie star. She's got light blue eyes framed with stunning lashes, high cheekbones a fetching shade of pink, and full red lips currently wrapped around the lollipop mutation. She's everything I'm not—voluptuous and feminine, with T & A for days, and she models for a full-figure clothing line. Her long, tapered nails, recently manicured of course, tap on the end table beside her.
"It's brilliant," Kathlyn says, her eyes warm on me. "Seriously, Regina. No one will ever suspect we're just a front."
And that right there is the crux of it all.
Our storefront will only be that—a front. We don't have a place yet, but our real jobs will be hidden from the eyes of everyday citizens. To the general public, we'll be that place selling smoothies and cookies and yoga—in other words, a chick hangout like none other.
Only certain clients will know what our real jobs are. Only people who have been referred to us. Our best jobs will come from word of mouth. Not from advertising, and definitely not from any storefront.
A year ago, we decided it was time to combine our mutual talents and do freelance detective work. Ok, I use the word "decided" pretty loosely. We never intended on being detectives, but goddamn if we're not good at it.
"Yogasm," Ruby mutters again. She closes her eyes and inhales deeply, and Kathlyn and I share a quick look.
"Asking the chakras?" Kathlyn quips.
I bite my lip.
Ruby doesn't even bother opening her eyes. "Mock all you want, sister. The chakras don't communicate, but our intuition does."
Keeping her eyes closed, she clasps her necklace and tugs on it. It slides into her palm and I watch, mesmerized, as she opens up the little bobble on the front of it and takes out a smooth white crystal. All without opening her eyes.
"I think you need your eyes open to read crystal balls, babe."
Ruby ignores me, inhales deeply, then opens her eyes and grins.
"Yes," she says, nodding. "It's growing on me. Yogasm. I like it." She gets to her feet. "And I found the perfect location, girls, you're going to love it." Her eyes dance, and for one brief moment I hope that I do love it. We give her a lot of shit but she's more sensitive than other people, and I don't want to really hurt her.
"Did you?" Kathlyn asks, polishing off her pop. She licks the chocolate off her lips.
Ruby plops onto the couch cross-legged and pulls out her phone. She's a tiny little thing, so we easily squeeze in on either side of her.
"This!" she announces proudly, pulling up a picture on her phone. Prince lifts his head from his doggy bed, and I bend down and pet his little curlicue shih tzu head. He puts his head down, then pops up again when I gasp. I can't help it. It's way more beautiful than I could ever have imagined, nestled in a corner of a beautiful brick building, illuminated by one of those aged streetlights you'd imagine came from Mary Poppins.
"Oh my God," Kathlyn says, voicing my own thoughts. "It's gorgeous."
"This place hasn't been available as a storefront in thirty-five years," Ruby says. "It was a mom-and-pop bakery, but the owners finally retired. Look at this—high ceilings, huge front-facing windows, and this amazing open floor plan. Not only that, it's the only commercial storefront on this side of town."
Boston is known for its antiquated buildings and cobblestoned streets, high-end boutiques, and foot traffic.
"And," Ruby says triumphantly, "almost half of what we expected to pay."
"Half?" I ask. "Are you sure? What's wrong with it? Is it haunted? Shitty WiFi?" I give her a hard look. "Did you sleep with the landlord already?"
She shakes her head. "Nope. The nice old man who met with me said he just wanted a nice, wholesome tenant."
"Wait, you already met with him?" Kathlyn says, her brows drawing together with an uncharacteristically angry scowl. "What happened to all of us doing things together?"
"It was an accident, I swear," Ruby says, her eyes widening. "Listen, I was doing some shopping in a nearby store, and just happened to see the 'for rent' sign. So I went over, and… well. Took a little peek. How was I supposed to know the landlord was there?"
I frown, but I don't much care that she did this before she spoke with us. We need a place, and we need a place soon.
"I dunno… seems fishy," Kathlyn says, clearly not trusting the low rate. Boston is one of the most expensive places in the country. "Did you take a look at the other places nearby? Anything else that seems a little off? Is there, like, a tattoo parlor/vape shop and no one comes during the day? One of those weird office park churches?"
She shakes her head but doesn't meet our eyes. She's glued to her phone, flipping through the pictures.
"Nope, nope, nope! None of the above. I promise you, it's just a beautiful place. The landlord's an older man, and he really wants someone to come in and rent it. He hasn't been able to get anybody because the economy has been pretty rough, but you know if the three of us pool our resources we can totally pull it off. I mean, we still have… how much money left over from our last client?"
"Plenty," I tell her. My job as treasurer is to make sure that we are in the money. Last year, we incorporated to prevent liability and to save taxes. And now, we'll open up our business with the seed money that Kathlyn inherited from her father. This was our plan from the beginning. Seed money plus investments.
"Finances are not going to be a problem."
Ruby nods. "Perfect. So shall we go have a look, then?"
Occasionally, she lapses into this weird archaic language. I used to think it was cute when we were younger and we read antiquated novels together, but now I just like to tease her.
"We shall," I say, finishing off my chocolate pop.
"Wait a minute," Kathlyn says all at once, narrowing her eyes on Ruby's phone. "Go back."
Ruby blinks, and is it my imagination, or is that a deer-in-the-headlights look?
"What?"
Kathlyn points to the screen. "Three frames back."
Frames, like the private investigators we are. I beam.
Ruby flips back, biting her lip.
"There!" Kathlyn says triumphantly. "Zoom in."
Ruby zooms in, and I gasp.
"Oh my God," I breathe. "Is that Emmett Swan? Next door? The Emmett Swan? Is that his restaurant bar?" Emmett Swan, Boston's most notorious bachelor, so notorious no one even knows if he's eligible.
"One of them," Ruby mutters.
"Why didn't you say that before?" I'm on my feet, pacing. "We'd share space with Emmett Swan?" Something isn't right. There's a catch, there has to be.
"Well…" Ruby looks away and exhales a deep breath, then finally looks back at us. "Okay so yes. We would. And the reason why I didn't mention it before is because the man is a class A douchebag and actively plotting against us taking this space."
"Already?" I say, throwing up my hands. "He hasn't even seen how neurotic we are yet."
"Or Reginapled one of my cookies!" Kathlyn says.
"Or tried a session of Bikram yoga," Ruby says with a sigh. "Might clear his negative energy."
"Can we circle back to 'actively plotting against us taking this space?'" I say.
Ruby nods. "So apparently he didn't want anyone to use this space. Wanted it for his own, to buy out the whole thing. He just happened to hear that I was meeting with Mr. Scott, and the next thing I know, he's storming in like he owns the place."
"Does he?" Kathlyn says with a wince.
"No!" Ruby's on her feet, all four foot eleven inches and ninety-five pounds of her. "He absolutely does not. Apparently, Mr. Scott inherited this building from his parents, and even the wealthiest elite can't touch it."
"Wealthiest elite. I like the sound of that. That man is fine."
"He's not fine, girlfriend. He's an absolute asshole," Ruby says.
"I love hot assholes," Kathlyn whines, and I choke.
"That's quite a kink."
She smacks at my arm, but I dodge her as I get to my feet. "Okay, alright, so you found this perfect place, at a perfect price, and the only deterrent is that the hottie next door wants us out?"
Ruby nods. "Pretty much."
Shaking my head, I look at them as if the answer's obvious. "Girls. We don't need to ask the chakras or whatever the fuck." Ruby rolls her eyes. I decide to speak Ruby's language. "We told the Universe we needed a space. And the Universe has delivered."