for n and a prompt/work that we basically all but planned out this time last year but i could never get it right and now i think it's right: "arizona coming back to seattle on the night mark and callie hook up" title from ruth b's "die fast"
how we always end up running (back to each other)
Arizona might throw up.
Correction: She was probably going to throw up.
Correction of a correction: Maybe also cry.
She took a deep breath, the cool Seattle air going a long way to settling her nerves. She could do this. She was Arizona Robbins. She gave awesome speeches all the time.
Arizona scrubbed a hand over her cheeks. She felt like she hadn't stopped crying in nearly a month. She cried all the way to Malawi, giving herself those many, many hours to try and process her broken heart, the way Callie looked at her for the last time, how it felt like she was being torn apart. She just barely managed to stop crying to not seem like a total disaster in front of her new staff. So she kept her tears for her office and for her cramped bedroom until it felt like her every free moment was spent crying. And then she cried back across the Atlantic, her fear and hope and desperation warring with her.
Needless to say, there were a number of flight attendants who probably thought Arizona had a deep-seeded fear of planes or something for a grown woman. (Which, she did, in all honesty. And she knew it was a stupid fear because planes were very safe and the possibility of a crash was so miniscule.)
At least her flight back to the States had been productive. Arizona knew what she was going to say to Callie. She could do this. Because she was so in love with Callie and she needed Callie to know that.
She tugged a hand through her hair as she approached Callie's building. She had already tried calling Callie. And then she tried Teddy, who was apparently blazing drunk and completely unhelpful. Teddy, through her drunken excitement over Arizona's return, had suggested that Arizona try Mark. Mark hadn't answered his phone either, and Arizona didn't know where else to look for Callie, or who else would know. Which was how she found herself in front of the apartment building where she had fallen in love with Callie, had told her she loved her.
"Okay, you can do this. You're awesome," she whispered to herself as she pulled open the door.
Nothing had changed in the lobby, which was unsettling in an odd way. It had only been a month, but it felt like a lifetime ago.
As she stood in an elevator she had stood in hundreds of times, Arizona's stomach twisted itself into knots.
She could do this. She loved Callie. That was what mattered. She came back. She gave everything up for Callie.
She managed a few shaky breaths as she stepped out into the hallway.
She had walked this hall so many times. She knew where the creaky floorboard was. She knew that it was about fifteen steps to stand between Mark's door and their old apartment.
She paused at that spot, her gaze lingering on the brass 502. Part of her wanted to knock, maybe Callie had gotten rid of the subletters, had moved back in.
But it was the middle of the night and the best she could hope for was that Mark was awake or at least easily awakened and he could tell her where Callie was. Because Arizona couldn't go another moment without telling Callie how much she missed her, how much she loved her.
Arizona knocked and waited. She could hear a bit of movement in the apartment, so she knocked again.
The door swung open.
"Robbins?"
"Mark?" She found herself face-to-face with a half naked Mark Sloan staring at her with wide eyes.
"Robbins, you're supposed to be in Africa."
"I know. I just… I need to talk to…"
"Mark, who's at the door?"
"Callie?" It sounded more like a whimper than anything else. But Callie was standing behind Mark, also half-naked, her hair a mess. Her hair was short now? But Callie was there and… and…
"Arizona?"
Arizona's eyes bounced between Mark and Callie, both in a state of undress, their eyes wide. The guilt and confusion and regret filled in any blanks for Arizona and she wanted to scream or cry or both.
Callie and… and Mark.
"I don't think there's anything for me here. I should... I should just go..." Arizona choked out, her voice barely above a whisper. She held Callie's gaze for another beat, taking a moment to just study her face. And the devastation on Callie's face broke her heart because Arizona knew what it meant.
And so she ran, bypassing the elevator, choosing the stairs instead. She didn't want to linger anymore. She couldn't stand to be anywhere near that place. She could barely breathe.
She could hear Callie and Mark faintly arguing, which just spurred her faster as she pulled open the stairwell door. She nearly tripped over the first step and she didn't understand for a moment before she realized the tears spilling down her cheeks.
Arizona swallowed back the sob threatening to break its way free. She just, she had to get out of there. She had to get as far away as possible.
She thought she knew heartache. She hadn't stopped hurting since she walked away from Callie in that airport.
But this, this was a new extreme.
She loved Callie so much.
And Callie had moved on.
With Mark.
Arizona stumbled out the front door.
"Arizona!"
Arizona managed to take a few steps down the street, nearly colliding with some random passerby, before she dry-heaved, her chest aching painfully. The exhaustion and heartache and heartbreak and anger and hatred, all directed at herself of course, tore at her insides painfully. She coughed, unable to catch her breath, unable to settle her breathing enough.
"Arizona!"
Arizona turned to move, not that she had any idea where she'd go, but Callie caught her by the wrist, her fingers wrapping ever so slightly too tight around. Arizona instinctively pulled away from her, barely even able to meet Callie's pleading gaze.
And she knew if she looked Callie in the eye, well, actually, she wasn't even sure. Part of her was terrified she'd melt immediately. Part of her was terrified she'd say something she'd never be able to take back.
But even more terrifying was what she'd find in Callie's eyes. Anger, hatred, regret, apologies, some mixture of all of the above.
"Arizona," Callie's voice was softer this time and the regret was so, so painfully clear. But what did she regret? Sleeping with Mark? Arizona coming back from Africa? Arizona catching her sleeping with Mark?
When she had imagined reuniting with Callie, this hadn't even crossed her mind. The possibility of Callie already moving on of course had been more than prevalent in Arizona's mind. Callie was wonderful and amazing and a catch and anyone would be lucky to have her. And Arizona couldn't blame her for moving on, not really, Arizona had been the one to leave, she broke up with Callie in freaking SEATAC.
And Arizona was well aware she wouldn't be moving on from Callie anytime soon. Hell, that was why she came back from Africa.
But Callie… Callie had moved on. Callie had moved on with Mark.
Mark, the one person Arizona had been uneasy about throughout their relationship. Mark, the one person Callie had reassured her time and time again was only a friend and that she had no desire to sleep with him again. Mark, apparently the person Callie had moved on with.
Mark.
"I can't. I can't," Arizona repeated, her voice breaking over the words as she shook her head. "I should go. This was a mistake."
"Arizona," Callie said for what might have been the hundredth time and the softness of her voice grated on Arizona's already fragile nerves. She couldn't handle the softness, the care, all things she no longer could have with Callie. "You came back."
Callie's words were enough to pull Arizona's gaze upward.
Callie really was as beautiful as Arizona had remembered, her hair short and curly and perfect. But bile rose in Arizona's throat as she noticed Callie's clothes, clearly a mixture of her own and Mark's and all Arizona could think about was Callie's old college sweatshirt in her backpack.
"You came back, Arizona."
And Callie's repetition was almost enough to spark anger in Arizona's chest, but all she could feel was numbing hurt.
"You slept with Mark."
Callie flinched back and it wasn't a victory.
Callie inhaled a long breath and Arizona braced herself.
"Yeah," Callie sighed, tipping her chin up a bit. "Yeah, I did. But Arizona-"
"It's fine. It's fine." Arizona twisted her wrist out of Callie's grip as if Callie's touch burned her skin. Even without Callie touching her, her skin felt like it had been branded, tingly and almost painful. And the fleeting thought of what if Callie never touched her again. Arizona wrapped her arms tight around herself. "It's fine."
Maybe if she said it enough times, it'd be true.
A few droplets of rain landed on her face and if that wasn't a sign of how things were going, she wasn't sure what was.
"Really, Callio- Callie, it's fine. I get it. I, I… just… did it have to be Mark?"
Callie's jaw tightened, her eyes narrowed and she shifted away from Arizona. The rain picked up slightly, a few drops falling on Callie's face. "You left. You left me in the middle of an airport. With no job, no apartment, no girlfriend. So yeah, I slept with Mark. But you were gone," Callie trailed off as she choked up. A few tears slipped down her cheeks, mixing with the rain. "You left and you weren't supposed to be back for years."
Arizona recoiled, her fingers curling into her arms, almost to the point of bruising. "I know," she said, mindful to keep her tone level, as if she might spook Callie.
"Then why are you back, Arizona? I thought you were supposed to be in Africa, being, y'know, happy," she all but snarled the word. "And now you're back. Now you're back," Callie sighed, scrubbing a hand over her face. "Why are you back, Arizona?"
One shoulder bobbing up, Arizona said, "I wasn't happy."
"You weren't happy? You weren't happy? I-"
"I was miserable, Callie! I couldn't stop crying! I started crying when I walked away from you and couldn't stop crying for weeks until they asked if I wanted to go home and run the program remotely. I have been miserable for every moment of every day since I left!" Arizona took a few steps back from Callie, desperate for a bit of space between them. The rain started coming down in earnest, but the cold didn't even register with Arizona. Everything was just numb and burning and painful. She had been so looking forward to Seattle rain again. "I was miserable and you were fucking Mark!" Her voice cracked and she couldn't find any more words.
The anger that simmered in her chest sparked to life momentarily and Arizona wasn't even sure if she regretted it. But as soon as it appeared, it faded back into numbness and regret at hurting Callie, yet again.
She wasn't even sure if it was really anger. Or if it was disappointment and heartbreak and mourning what she had been dreaming about for the past month.
All she could dream about for the past month, on the nights she managed to sleep without a sleep aid of course, was Callie. It was always Callie. Sometimes it was happy and gentle and memories of moments with Callie or moments that felt like glimpses into their future. But those were few and far between. More often than not it was vicious nightmares. The look on Callie's face as Arizona turned away at the airport. Callie asking her what they were going to do now. Callie getting shot.
That one in particular haunted her and she found herself waking in tears, desperately reaching for someone who wasn't ever going to be there.
"Arizona, I can explain."
"What is there to explain? I understand," Arizona said, her voice flat once more.
"Don't do that. Don't be fine. Yell at me. I want you to yell at me." Callie gestured wildly with one hand. "You're angry and you bottle everything up. So yell at me. Be mad at me! Let it out!"
Arizona just stared at Callie with her messy, new, short hair. Her eyes seemed so sad and Arizona's first instinct was still to comfort her, but that instinct was quickly drowned out.
Arizona forced herself to look away from Callie. It just hurt too much. Across the street, someone was walking their dog, a hood obscuring their features.
She looked back to Callie, the rain quickly soaking her hair.
Callie waved a hand at her, highlighting the vast distance between them. "Yell, get it out."
Arizona's fingers curled tighter, her knuckles stark white. "I can't… I can't… because, because I left and we aren't together and I don't get to be mad about this. I don't get to be mad at you because we broke up, because I broke up with you and walked away and you can sleep with anyone, everyone you want." Arizona shrugged a shoulder, nearly at a loss for words. "I… I...I can't even be mad at you because I'm so fucking heartbroken. You broke my heart, Callie. You win, I guess. Go back to Mark. Go back to Mark and be happy or whatever. I guess it's what you wanted all along, isn't it?" Her voice sounded small and resigned and Arizona couldn't even bring herself to yell at Callie.
"You left, Arizona!" Callie shot back, "You broke my heart first! I didn't leave. You did. You left and you broke me. You destroyed me. We were happy. We were moving in together and then all of the sudden you were going to Africa and there wasn't room for me anymore in your life, in your plans. You had this whole plan for your life and I wasn't a part of that."
"Because you never wanted to be! God, Callie, you couldn't even be remotely happy for me. I won the Carter Madison Grant and you couldn't even say you were proud of me. I wanted you with me. I thought we could make Africa work. It was only three years. And I let myself get wrapped up with the idea that you agreed to come and then all of the sudden we were standing in an airport and you were going to hate me. And I couldn't do that. I couldn't, I can't deal with you hating me. I couldn't drag you to Africa only for you realise after a month that you resented me and would rather be in Seattle than Malawi." Arizona tugged a hand through her hair, shifting back onto her heels, nervous energy coursing through her. "I couldn't… I… I… I didn't want to watch you grow to hate me so I left." Arizona punctuated her statement with a weak shrug.
Callie just stared at her, her head tipping slightly to the side. And Arizona's heart dropped.
She swallowed against the lump in her throat, and God, she wanted to cry again.
She should've stayed in Malawi. It would've been better to just imagine Callie hating her instead of seeing Callie in front of her. And it wasn't even that Callie seemed to hate her, no, it was more like indifference. That's what it looked like to Arizona. Just indifference.
And Arizona knew she had been right. She wasn't different from George or Erica or the girl at the coffee cart. Or Mark. Clearly, Mark was the one who was different. Mark was the one Callie always went back to, ran to, chose.
Nausea roiled in her stomach as a disturbing thought surfaced.
Callie started, "I don't-"
"Did you sleep with Mark when we were together?" Callie's mouth fell open and Arizona instantly regretted her words. "Fuck, I mean," Arizona stammered, scrubbing a hand over her face. "Just… of all the people… it had to be Mark?"
"Did you seriously just ask me that? We were broken up! We are broken up!" Callie corrected herself so quickly, Arizona almost didn't notice the past tense. "What the fuck, Arizona? No, no, I did not cheat on you with Mark, or anyone else while we were together. But thanks, thanks for letting me know what you think of me," Callie's words were clipped, almost as if she might start to cry. Callie took a few steps back from Arizona, her whole body shivering, her arms wrapped tight around her in a weak attempt to stay warm.
"Callie, I didn't-"
"What? Didn't think I cheated on you? Seriously? We're not together, you don't get to have opinions on who I sleep with, Arizona! You left and now, we don't mean anything to each other! You should've stayed in Africa."
Callie's words hit her almost like a physical blow, sending her staggering back a step or two. Arizona blinked back the tears that burned at her eyes, but she wasn't even sure what the point of holding them back was at this point.
Regret flashed clear across Callie's face, and Arizona hated the spark of hope it caused in her chest.
Arizona opened her mouth to speak, even though she genuinely had no idea what to say. Unfortunately or perhaps fortunately, what came out was, "I love you. I'm so in love with you that I could barely last three weeks without you. I am so, so, entirely in love with you I can't even think straight."
Callie slumped forward, some of the tension draining out of her body. Arizona couldn't tell if Callie was crying or if it was just the steady rain, but either way, she felt terrible.
"I should, I should go," Arizona rasped out, her voice struggling above the rain. "I'm sorry. I love you," Arizona felt the words just continuously pouring out of her. "I, I, I promise I'm staying. Uh, in Seattle. I guess, I guess, I'll see you around," Arizona trailed off, her words from a previous break up echoing endlessly in her ears. She wanted to move, to give Callie space, to do something. But she couldn't move a muscle. As if moving would shatter the moment and everything would disappear and Arizona would be alone, again, like always.
"No."
"No?" Arizona echoed, staring helplessly at Callie. "Callie-"
"No, you don't just get to walk away after this."
"Callie-"
"I am so, so, so pissed at you right now, Arizona. You left. You left me behind, left me here without you and I hate it. You broke my heart. You broke me and left me behind without a second glance and I had to put myself together and try to keep my head up because everyone knew you left me. You said you didn't want to be like George or Erica, well, guess what, Arizona, you're just like them." Callie's words felt akin to continuous blows hitting Arizona in the chest and she had no idea how to stop it or fix it. "Is that what you wanted, hm?"
"No, of course not-"
"I have spent the past three weeks crying and not sleeping and throwing myself into work. And all this time, at every possible moment, I have missed you. And I missed being happy and you made me happy but then you told me to stay in Seattle and be happy. And so I made a mistake. I got drunk and missed you and thought if I could just forget you for a while, it'd be better. And Mark," Callie's voice shook and Arizona wanted to throw up. "Mark is my best friend and he's safe." The unsaid unlike you reverberated in the air between them. Every nerve in Arizona's body screamed at her to run, to get as far away from here as possible. Because if she didn't hear anything more, maybe then she could cling to some shred of hope, of dignity. "I just wanted to forget about everything, about my heartbreak, about being pathetic again, about you. And on some level, I wanted, wanted to hurt you."
Arizona bit down on her cheek to stop herself from saying something she regretted. What was there even to say? Part of her, some masochistic part of her, wanted to ask if Callie was successful in forgetting her. Part of her just wanted to run.
Callie sighed, tipping her face up towards the sky. "And you know what, what I felt the whole time…."
Arizona genuinely thought she was going to be sick now. Because the idea of Callie… with Mark….
"I felt sad. I missed you. All I could think about was you and how I wanted you back. And now you're back, and, and, and I'm… what if we're too broken? What if we're both too hurt and angry, because, God, I am still so mad at you."
A biting retort lingered on the tip of her tongue, but Arizona pushed it down. "What do you want me to say?" She held up her palms in placation, desperate for any direction from Callie on how they could try to fix them. "I flew halfway around the world to come back to you, Calliope," she inhaled sharply at her accidental usage of Calliope. She didn't have that right anymore. That wasn't hers to use, to cherish, to love. "And, and, and I love you, but I'm hurting, you're hurting and we're just hurting each other." Arizona took an uneasy step back as she swallowed against the painful lump in her throat. "Maybe, maybe it's just not, maybe we had a chance to do this right, and we missed it."
Even as she spoke, Arizona felt her heart shattering. And how did it always come down to this?
Callie blinked back tears, rain running steadily down her face, partially disguising any tears. Her mouth opened and closed a few times before her jaw took on a familiar, hard set that Arizona couldn't help but dread.
Arizona's shoulders curled forward in anticipation of Callie telling her there wasn't a point, there wasn't anything left for them, there wasn't a chance. She squeezed her eyes shut, partially to keep out the rain, partially because she didn't want to see Callie when she told her there wasn't a point.
But Callie didn't say they were doomed. She didn't say there wasn't a chance. She didn't say Arizona should just leave her alone.
Callie didn't say anything.
Instead, she kissed her.
For a moment, Arizona froze, stunned into inaction as Callie clutched at her and pressed their lips together in a desperate kiss. But as soon as her surprise wore off, Arizona found herself pulling Callie ever closer, one hand tangling in her hair while the other tugged at her waist.
It was messy and frantic and didn't feel like the goodbye Arizona anticipated.
Their noses bumped together as they separated for a gasp of air before Callie nipped at her bottom lip, both dragging the other back. Arizona clung to Callie, unwilling to let her go, unwilling to lose this moment. Equally, Callie's fingers pressed into her skin, almost to the point of pain, as if Callie thought she'd disappear if she let go.
The jarring sound of a car passing by brought Arizona crashing back to reality, and she pulled back from Callie, unwilling to let her go. She stared up at Callie, searching her face for some sign of what Callie was thinking.
With careful, almost trembling fingers, Callie brushed Arizona's hair out of her face. "Arizona," Callie started, barely more than a whisper.
"Cal, Calliope, what-"
"So we try again-"
"What-"
"We both made mistakes. We both regret things. We didn't get it right this time." Arizona sucked in a breath, her chest uncomfortably tight. "This time. But we can have another chance."
"Yeah?" Arizona breathed out.
"Yeah," Callie echoed, "we try again and we do it right this time."
Almost on impulse alone, Arizona found herself hugging Callie tightly, her face buried in the crook of her neck. She didn't smell like her Callie; she smelled like rain, and stale beer, and Mark. But Arizona could push those thoughts away for now and relish the fact that Callie wanted to try again.
Arizona pulled back a bit to say, "We, we shouldn't rush into anything." Something almost like hurt flashed across Callie's expression and Arizona rushed out, "It's just, we don't… we don't deal with our problems, we either break up or have sex and we have to do it right this time. Because I don't… I can't lose you again." And on some level, Arizona knew she didn't so much lose Callie as walk away from her, but God, it felt like a loss.
Callie shivered a bit before saying, "Me neither. I need… I need you too."
Some little voice at the back of Arizona's mind was very much aware that Callie wouldn't say she loved Arizona, but Arizona couldn't blame her or hold that against her. It would take time to build back trust, to reach that point once more.
"Your lips are turning blue," Arizona said instead of something that might have been too much, too soon. "You should…." Arizona trailed off as the full implication of how things had fallen apart would have impacted Callie hit her. Callie had given up her apartment to follow Arizona and she probably didn't have anywhere to stay yet. Arizona made the love of her life homeless. Guilt swirled up in her chest and she could do very little to tamp it down. "Where… where are you staying?"
Callie glanced back at the building and Arizona's heart sank further. So Mark and Callie had slept together and Callie was crashing at her place. Arizona bit down on her cheek until she tasted blood. She didn't get to be upset or jealous, she couldn't risk it.
"The Archfield. My apartment," Callie started vaguely, waving a hand towards the building. "Do you… is there somewhere…."
"Yeah, I've got a hotel room." Arizona shrugged, an itching sense of awkwardness settling over her. She started to extract herself from Callie's arms, but Callie didn't fully let her go. "Um, I think I'll be at the hospital tomorrow to talk to Webber about my job and everything. So, see you tomorrow?"
Callie frowned a bit. "I don't work tomorrow. But maybe, if you wanted, I mean, we should talk. About everything."
"Yeah, about everything, I'd, I'd like that."
There was a lingering moment of awkwardness where neither quite knew what the parameters of this grey area were. Callie moved away first, her eyes darting nervously around Arizona's face.
"Um, so tomorrow?"
"Yeah, tomorrow."
Callie nodded resolutely, rocking back on her heels. Callie opened her mouth, but then shut it as if she thought better of it. But then she said, "Do you… I'm headed that way." She motioned over her shoulder.
"I'm the other way." Which was only partially true. She could've walked with Callie to the Archfield and then a few blocks over to her hotel. But she sort of wanted the quiet time and distance from Callie to start to process the maelstrom of emotions.
Callie nodded again before lunging forward to pull Arizona into another hug. "I'm glad you're home," she mumbled into Arizona's hair. As quickly as she hugged her, she pulled away, turning on her heel. "Sleep well."
"See you tomorrow," Arizona said softly, even as Callie took a few steps away from her before turning away. Arizona watched Callie moving down the sidewalk until she seemed small in the distance.
Arizona wasn't entirely sure what the emotion catching in her chest was, but she almost thought it might be hope.
xx
hit me up on twitter lavender_lenax or tumblr spookyrobbins (and join the anon chaos) or in reviews/dms here if you have requests/wanna chat!