Everything hurt. Sakura's body hurt. Thinking hurt. The very act of being hurt. It was all encompassing. It wasn't an unbearable pain. It was a low, droning pain. A constant ache that made it impossible to focus without wincing.

Sakura's brain felt like liquid. Her thoughts were a jumble of images. She tried to solidify a cohesive thought. She took the image of Rin in her mind, put it with the one of Saber, and the large man with a mohawk, and the destroyed office building. Then she added the pain of her fist hitting the man's chin, the pain of traveling through Imaginary Number Space, of getting squashed under a boulder, of nearly dying.

It all came together and froze like ice, becoming a solid and complete memory. Sakura remembered her fight last night, her getting separated from her sister, of her running away. She ran away to save herself. She cared about her own safety first and foremost at that moment. Now she didn't know what had happened to Rin. She could have been fine, or dead. Either way, Sakura hadn't helped her. She left her sister to die. Well, how much help could Sakura have been if she stayed? She was on the brink of death itself when she decided to leave. She wouldn't have been any help at all. But, she didn't know that for sure.

Rin. Sakura needed to know what had happened to Rin.

Sakura peeled her eyes open just the slightest crack and the light that passed through the opening in her eyelids was a barrage of spears. Sakura slammed her eyelids closed again from the sting. Building up her courage, she opened them again. The javelins of light impaled her eyes again, but she forced herself to keep looking. The light's power lessened as Sakura's vision adjusted. The fuzzy world hardened, shapes becoming defined. The ceiling was the first thing that was clear to Sakura's eyes. It was white and sterile, not a ceiling Sakura knew. Sakura shifted her eyes down. She got a look at her body. It was under a sheet. She was in a bed and she was wearing a hospital gown. She also had bandages on almost all of her exposed skin. There were likely more under her robe. After having a bunch of her bones broken, that made sense. Her legs were in casts and hanging from the ceiling. She damaged her legs especially badly last night from how hard she had reinforced them. Sakura didn't even want to see what her head looked like. Tubes were entering her body, filling her with nutrients. Sakura tried to turn her head, but she found she couldn't. All she got from her attempt is a stabbing pain in her neck. She had a neck brace on.

"You woke up fast. Well, after the childhood you had, you've gained a lot of endurance."

Sakura shifted her eyes as far to the left as she could. She could just barely see the girl who spoke to her.

"Caren, is that you?" Sakura rasped.

"How many other girls do you know with white hair?"

"Are you the one who saved me?"

"Yes, I am. If dad found out I saw you and didn't save you, he would have lectured me, so I brought you to a hospital. You owe me a favor now." So Caren only helped because she had to, not because she cared. Well, it was better than if she didn't help.

"Thank you."

"Mm."

"What about Rin?"

"What about her?"

"Is she okay?"

"I don't know. I just found you in a puddle of your own blood on a sidewalk. If I wasted time trying to find Rin, you would have bled out."

Caren didn't know where Rin was either. Sakura wanted to get up and go searching, but she couldn't even move. She was too weak to heal herself with magecraft. She couldn't get Kirei to heal her since she was working with Rin in the Holy Grail War and Kirei needed to remain a neutral party. Sakura was stuck sitting around in a hospital bed until she healed up enough naturally that she could use her magecraft to finish restoring herself. Considering the extent of her injuries, that could be a while.

"By the way, Sakura, how much did you like your hair?"

"My hair? Well, I liked it fine. I kept it long since Rin said it looked prettier that way."

"Did you put in a lot of effort into taking care of it?"

"Yes. I had to if I was going to keep it long."

"Then I have the great pleasure of informing you that your hair is all but gone. The doctors had to perform emergency surgery on you. Your skull was severely damaged and your brain was bleeding. To do the surgery, they had to shave your head. All you have left is a purple fuzz."

Sakura could hear the joy in Caren's monotone words as she told Sakura the state of her hair. Caren was still the same as ever, a sociopathic sadist. It was almost comforting to see that she hadn't changed. With the madness of last night, it was a reprieve to see someone so familiar. But, Sakura would have preferred kinder treatment even more.

"Caren, can I ask a favor of you?"

"No. I already dragged you all the way here and told Kirei about your condition. He's not coming to visit by the way. He can't risk revealing his connection to you while he's being watched by all the Masters."

"I'll owe you another favor if you do it. I just want you to go to Tohsaka mansion to check if Rin's there."

Caren's jaw waggled from side to side as she thought. "You better keep your promise. When I ask for favors, they'll be big ones."

"I'll do whatever you ask, as long as it isn't amoral."

Caren clicked her tongue. "I guess I could never get you to do anything to cause suffering. Well, anything you'd know would cause suffering. I'll check for Rin at your mansion, but only when I feel like it."

"Thank you."

"Whatever." Caren pulled out a book and began to read.

The conversation had ended. There was nothing for Sakura to preoccupy herself with. Sakura was lying in bed. The air felt still, dead. Rin still filled Sakura's mind. She was anxious. There was nothing to distract her. Seconds began feeling longer. The first second felt like a minute, the next an hour, then a day, a week, a month, a year, a lifetime. How long had she been lying there? Was Rin okay? Why hadn't Caren left to look for her yet? She had been sitting there forever, doing nothing. Right? Or had less than a minute passed? Being stuck in bed was going to make Sakura snap. Why didn't Sakura go help Rin? If she got to her sister, then she could have been healed. Rin wasn't a genius at healing magecraft, but she'd still be able to fix up Sakura well enough. Then they could have fought together. They'd have taken out the Gorgon Sisters, the Edelfelt woman, and then they'd have gone home with Saber to rest and prepare for the next stage of the war. But, Sakura had to be selfish. She thought that caring for herself over Rin would be okay once in a while. Now everything was ruined. Rin was probably dead and it was all Sakura's fault. Sakura killed Rin.

Sakura was struggling to breathe. She was having a panic attack. She didn't have Rin around to help her through it. Where were her pills? She had them for times like this. They were missing, just like Rin. Rin wasn't around. She wasn't around because Sakura killed her. Sakura had ruined her whole life. She had ruined Rin's life. Everything was getting blurry again. Sakura's head felt like it was going to explode. She couldn't breathe. Sakura kept jerking around. Her injuries were getting aggravated. She began to feel damp. She was sweating. Her wounds were opening, bleeding. It had been so long since Sakura had an attack this violent, not since she was a little girl. Sakura looked for Caren. She wasn't there. She had run away. Of course. Only Rin cared about Sakura. Caren just cared about herself. Not that she should have wasted her time worrying about Sakura. Sakura was garbage. She should have been left in the pit of worms. She belonged with parasites.

Caren was back. She actually came back and she brought a doctor. They looked at Sakura. They were saying something, but Sakura couldn't hear them. The doctor took out and filled a syringe with something they injected into the tube in Sakura's arm.

The drugs entered Sakura's bloodstream and she began to calm down. Her mind wasn't becoming less anxious, it was getting slow. It was like her thoughts were a mountain range that was getting flattened into a featureless plain.

Sakura was just breathing. She was doing nothing but intaking oxygen and other gasses to fill her lungs before exhaling carbon dioxide. Sakura was only performing the most vital and basic processes to preserve her life. She thought of nothing else. She wasn't really even thinking of breathing. She was just doing it while her cranium was filled with white noise.

With a numb brain, Sakura lied still.

Numb.

Numb.

Numb.

There was a ceiling. Sakura noticed the ceiling.

She noticed the walls, her body, her pain.

Her mind was moving again. The drugs continued to pacify her anxiety, but she was thinking.

How much time had passed? Why wasn't there a clock in view? Did the hospital want Sakura to lose her sanity?

Caren was still sitting in a chair next to Sakura. Why did she stay? There was no pain to enjoy while Sakura was sedated. She might as well have left to check the mansion. Maybe she wanted to savor the pain of the other patients.

Actually, Caren went out of her way to alleviate Sakura's suffering. Instead of letting Sakura writhe in panic, Caren went out of her way to fetch a doctor to calm Sakura. Perhaps she felt she'd get in trouble if she didn't do something.

"Caren."

"Your brain is working? Finally, it's boring sitting around watching someone drool all over themselves. I want you to be conscious when I mock you. That way, I can watch you get upset."

"You've been sitting there the whole time? You didn't go around watching the other patients suffer with their illnesses and stuff? You had to have thought of it."

"Kirei told me I had to stay with you while I'm here."

"That does sound like him." But, it was the kind of order Caren usually wouldn't follow. Caren was choosing to be by Sakura's side. "Caren, do you want to be with me right now?"

"Why would I?"

"I don't know. Because you're worried about me?"

"Why would I worry about you?"

"Because you care about me?"

"Why would I care about you?"

"Because we're sisters-listen, you know what I'm trying to say, or ask, or imply or whatever. Caren. I think you care about me like normal people care about their loved ones. Like, you actually consider me a loved one."

"You're making some big leaps in logic from next to nothing. Did you forget I'm like dad? I can't love others. And unlike dad, I don't have a moral compass."

"You're not Kirei, you're his daughter. Maybe you inherited his love for pain and his difficulty connecting with others, but you might be able to still love others with some effort. Your mother could love, so it's not impossible."

"I suppose you're not wrong when it comes to theoreticals, but I know for a fact that I don't love you, or anyone."

"How can you be sure? Have you actually tried loving another person?"

"No, I haven't, and my disinterest is proof of my inability to love."

"Not really. It just means you're sticking to the familiar. You know how to live your life not actively trying to love people, so you aren't trying to explore the act of loving others."

"Once again, you're making some big leaps right now."

"That's pretty impressive considering my legs are broken."

"You're so clever." Caren said sarcastically. "You're a bastion of intellectual comedy. Anyway, I'm going to get the doctor again so he can tell you all the stuff wrong with your body in detail. It's important and I want to see your face as he tells you how much of a mess your organs are." Caren got up and left before Sakura could continue their discussion. She was running away. Sakura thought she might have actually hit the nail on the head. Caren does care, though she doesn't like that she cares. She might not even believe she does.

It had been a tumultuous time, but at least she was breaking Caren out of her shell.

Sakura blinked. She was trying to connect with Caren. She was trying to get close to someone besides Rin and Kirei. She wasn't actively trying to do so, she was just doing it on instinct. Was she looking for a replacement for Rin? Did she want Caren to be the new sister she could cling to instead of Rin in case she was dead? If she wasn't still high on the drugs in her system, Sakura would have probably had a panic attack again. She was disgusted at herself at how quick she was to discard Rin for another.

Could it be that Sakura didn't want to replace Rin? It wasn't impossible for her to want to be close to both Rin and Caren, right? That was normal. Sakura forgot that she could have room in her heart for more than just Rin and Kirei, that people usually had many they cared about. That was such an obvious fact. Sakura had failed to internalize it despite knowing it as logic.

For the first time in a while, Sakura remembered how broken she was. It had been a decade since she bathed with worms, but she still could not properly function as a human.

When you're broken, you can never be fixed.

She was like a piece of pottery repaired with kintsugi. Even if she seemed whole, the cracks were always visible to see. The only difference here was that Sakura's cracks weren't filled with glittering gold, but putrid mud.

Sakura felt gross. She wanted to take a shower. The blood from her earlier attack had been cleaned up by nurses while Sakura was drugged up, but she was still disgusting. She would always be disgusting, even if she set herself on fire to try and burn the impurity away.

Caren brought the doctor again. He rattled off everything wrong with Sakura. She just nodded along. She was only half-listening. Once a few more days passed, she'd be able to heal herself, so the specifics of how she'd normally have to recover didn't really matter.

She had zoned out so hard that she didn't notice for a good while that the doctor had left.

"You really have dedicated yourself to ruining my fun." Caren said. "You didn't react at all to what the doctor said. You're acting like a zombie."

"Don't worry. I'm very miserable right now, so you can enjoy that."

"I am enjoying that, but for some reason I'm also feeling annoyed."

"You probably feel bad for me."

"I ca-"

"You can't feel bad, I know. Whatever."

"You're snippy all of a sudden."

"I'm upset."

"About what?"

"I'm upset that I'm the worst."

"That's a bit overdramatic, and nonspecific."

"Before you found me, Rin and I were fighting an enemy Master and their Servant. We got separated and I got really hurt, obviously. I decided to run away. That's when you found me. I abandoned Rin to save myself. Rin. The person I care about more than anyone else. If that's how I treat her, imagine how quickly I'd sacrifice other people. You're my sister and I barely talk to you. I've never tried to make friends, and I scared anyone away that tried to be friends with Rin, on purpose. I wanted to keep her all to myself, even though I clearly don't even love her that much if I abandoned her as quickly as I did. I'm just the worst."

Caren rolled her eyes. "You're not the worst. You're not a serial killer or a tyrant. You haven't even committed a genocide yet. Don't be so arrogant as to call yourself the worst."

"I'm still shit."

"You're only shit in the ways that everyone is shit. You ran from the fight out of self-preservation. Besides, in the condition you were in, you would have gotten in the way, not be helpful."

"But, Rin could have healed me and then we could have worked together."

"And she was gonna heal you while the enemy was trying to kill you both? Were your enemies just going to sit and watch? They must have been really nice."

"That, uh, they probably would have kept attacking us."

"You made the right choice when you ran. Plus, do you really think Rin would have preferred you stayed while in your condition and risked getting killed? Or, do you think Rin would want you to get medical attention?"

"The latter."

"Exactly. Stop being stupid."

Caren's logic was airtight. Sakura still felt bad. Her loathing could not be so easily quelled, but it was weakened. All thanks to Caren.

"You definitely care about me. Unless you believe that making me less miserable will somehow make me more miserable."

"I'm just doing it because dad would get angry-"

"Angry if you didn't? How would he find out? Do you think I'm gonna tell on you like we're little kids? And what would I say? 'Caren didn't help me through my deep seated trauma!' as if it's your moral obligation to help me because you're my little sister?"

"You're really snippy today."

"But, am I wrong?"

Caren went quiet. She turned away. She couldn't answer. Sakura was right. They both knew it and it was kind of crazy. Caren appeared to be heartless for her entire life. The hidden depths of her heart and the empathy within only unveiled themselves when needed. Sakura could always lean on Rin before, but now that wasn't an option. Thus, it was Caren's time to shine.

But, Sakura was still leaning on somebody. She was still a parasite.

Caren just said Sakura wasn't that bad, though. Sakura couldn't forget that. She had to cling to that. It was the only way she could stay sane.

The chair under Caren squeaked as she stood up. "I'm gonna go to your mansion to see if Rin's there. Don't expect me to go searching all over the city for her if she isn't."

"I know. Thanks again for helping me."

"Mm." Caren left without a goodbye.

Thus, Sakura was by herself. She tried not to think about her anxieties, nor her physical ailments. The issue was that left her with nothing to really ponder. So, Sakura was bored. It was better than hating herself or freaking out at least. There was a television nearby, but it was off and she was in no condition to go and turn it on.

To preoccupy her mind, Sakura thought about the Gorgon Sisters and Saber. She had long heard about the workings of the Holy Grail War and the legendary power of Servants. But, seeing it in action was something else entirely. Even as weakened as Saber was, she was still far beyond the bounds of normal human capability. It was like the air was alive when the Servants fought. The world seemed to turn to glass under their power. Something surprising about the Heroic Spirits was their appearances. You'd think they'd be wearing armor and wielding ornate weapons. That's what you expect when you hear about heroes. You wouldn't think of goth lolita triplets and a lady wearing a red dress.

Speaking of said lady, Sakura had begun to theorize as to Saber's identity. She wielded a visually identical Azoth Sword to Rin's. That was odd to say the least. Saber also didn't seem to actually be a swordsman by trade. Saber also liked the same kind of tea as Rin. She also has the same confidence and teasing personality as Rin. She also took some time looking at Rin's jewels. Rin herself likes to just admire gemstones as a pastime. They both liked wearing red. They both had glasses, though Rin only wore them when reading. They both had a soft spot for Sakura. To say they had some commonalities would be the understatement of the era.

This would all lead to the assumption that Saber was Rin as a Heroic Spirit. The problem with that is that Rin was a modern day person and a magus. She couldn't be famous due to needing to keep the existence of magecraft and Mystics secret, and even if she did become seen as a hero, modern day heroes couldn't become Heroic Spirits due to the lack of mystery around them.

There might have been a way to circumvent this issue. Saber said she was a Counter Guardian. When making a contract with the World, you didn't need to be famous or have a lot of mystery around your existence. Thus, if Rin made a deal with the Counter Force, she could have become a Heroic Spirit. Rin's own presence would act as a catalyst for summoning herself and the Azoth Dagger she used to enhance the ritual would also act as a catalyst which would make herself be summoned as a Saber instead of something like a Caster which she'd fit better.

The one thing that still made Sakura doubt was that she couldn't understand why Rin would work for the World. She didn't hate it, but to give up her personhood seemed a bit much. Saber wouldn't be Sakura's Rin, though. It couldn't be the Rin of this timeline that was summoned. Otherwise, it would lead to a time paradox of altering one's own past, unless this was a closed time loop. It was safer to assume that if Saber was Rin, it was a version of Rin from another timeline. That Rin would have had a different life, one that might make her want to become an agent of the Counter Force. Either that or the World could grant her something in exchange for becoming a soldier in its fight for the preservation of Proper Human History that would persuade her.

Sakura wondered what became of herself in Saber's timeline, assuming she really was Rin. Saber's past was still a mystery. If Rin summoned herself, that could cause a glitch that would explain Saber's amnesia.

What Saber did remember was a man patting her head and leaving, which was how Rin had described her last moments with their father, Tokiomi. That was yet another piece of evidence towards Sakura's theory. Saber also talked about killing a woman for a good reason, but still regretting it. What happened in Saber's life? Could Rin have really ended up in such a soul splitting situation? Who could that woman have been?

"Sakura."

Speak of the devil and he shall appear.

Turning to material form, Saber had arrived. She traced her gaze across Sakura's body. She was hurt upon seeing the state of Sakura after the previous night.

"Hi, Saber."

"Are you okay-no, that's a really stupid question. I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you."

"It's okay. You were stuck fighting the Gorgon Sisters. I got attacked by a guy with a mohawk and ended up like this, but I won. But, that doesn't matter now. How's Rin?" The tension in Sakura's body from not knowing her sister's fate could now be released.

It was as if Sakura's question was a fist to Saber's cheek. She didn't want to say what she had to. "Rin is alive, but injured. She lost to the Edelfelt woman and I lost to Caster, the Gorgon Sisters. After that, there was a bit of a surprise. Assassin showed up. He…" Saber took a deep breath. "Assassin kidnapped both Rin and the Edelfelt Master, her name was Luviagelita. Assassin isn't planning to kill them, but it's on the condition that Caster and I fight with Assassin to win the Holy Grail for his Master."

If Sakura's words before were a punch to the cheek, Saber's were a kick to the throat.

"Are you serious?"

"I am, but we can save Rin. I managed to forge an alliance with the Edelfelts. We'll work together to save our Masters and we've already located Assassin's base. We just have to prepare. We can't rush in without risking Rin and Luviagelita's lives. We're going to go along with Assassin's demands until we're ready to strike. I also convinced the Edelfelts to help us with eliminating the homunculus. We need to be patient for now."

Rin was captured. She was in the hands of someone who could be doing anything to Rin. They could be torturing her, having their way with her, or something else. Sakura had left her sister to be captured by Assassin. But, Sakura couldn't have helped, Caren said so. She couldn't have protected Rin. But, there was someone there who should have been there for Rin.

"Saber, why didn't you protect Rin?"

"I was preoccupied with the Gorgon Sisters. I wanted to help, but I couldn't. Plus, Assassin had already gotten to Rin and Luviagelita by the time anyone noticed. There was nothing I could do."

"So you're just incompetent. You're a Servant that can't win a fight against a Caster, a class that isn't even supposed to be good at direct fights, and you had to go crawl to our enemies to get help. If Luvi-whatever didn't get captured too, we'd be helpless. You're useless." Saber didn't say anything. "You don't even have your memories. You're Noble Phantasms might as well not exist. You're below the baseline of what a Heroic Spirit is supposed to be capable of. The only thing you did well was make me paranoid about my relationship with Rin. I ran away because of the doubts you put in my head. I might have saved Rin if you didn't try to break us apart. Rin deserves a better Servant."

Sakura's words came out with casual ease. She didn't ponder them. They just drained out like water exiting a hole in a dam. Sakura wasn't truly mad at Saber. The hate in the words weren't meant for the Servant in truth, but for Sakura herself. But, she had resolved herself not to keep self-loathing, but that meant her disquietude had to be directed elsewhere. Thus, Sakura lashed out. She wasn't even looking at Saber. As her frustration released and she reacquired her awareness, Sakura realized the effect her words would have on Saber and how unfair she was being.

Sakura faced Saber. The Counter Guardian looked more brokenhearted than ever.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean all that. I was just upset at everything that's going on."

"I know. I wasn't upset at what you said, but why you said it."

"What?"

"I'm upset at the pain I can see in your eyes. You're being ripped apart by emotions that have nowhere to go. You don't deserve this, not after the childhood you had."

Saber's intuition was only matched by her empathy. She saw past the unkindness Sakura released to see the truth. This love from Saber felt like Rin. It was unconditional and undeterred by the superficial.

"Wait, childhood? What do you know about my childhood? We never talked about it before."

Saber realized the strangeness of her words. "I don't know. I just know that your childhood was full of pain."

"You might be accessing your memories." Sakura was confident she knew who Saber was now. "Saber, I did some thinking, and I'm pretty sure your True Name is Rin Tohsaka. You're a version of Rin from another timeline. You just have too many similarities to Rin to not be her."

Sakura expected Saber would either have some sudden revelation that would restore her memories, or she would deny the possibility. Instead, she looked at her own hand. "That makes sense."

"Really?" The minimal reaction from Saber made things feel a bit anticlimactic.

"I've felt a connection to you and Rin from the moment I was summoned. Your theory explains too much not to be true."

"Your memories still haven't come back, though?"

"That's correct. I guess that my memories still need more time to return." Saber laughed. "I just realized we're sisters and I've met an alternate version of myself."

"This situation is so surreal it hasn't fully sunk in yet."

"Yeah, same here."

"Saber, since you're Rin, you should know magecraft, right?"

"I do remember a little, though it's only simple spells right now."

"Do you remember healing magecraft?"

"Not yet. I can't heal you, sorry."

"It's alright. I'll just have to heal the old fashioned way, like a normal human. I have to do something normally. The horror." Sakura joked. "I'm more than fine living like a normal person."

"Would you prefer not to be a magus?"

"I guess I can tell you the truth. I hate magecraft and mage society and everything related to it. I just want to live a normal life. But, then I'd be leaving Rin on her own. You'd probably say that's for the better."

"Well, if you're unhappy being a magus, then yes. Your sister needs to learn to take care of herself. I think she already can."

"Probably. Though, last night could be used as a pretty good counter argument."

"I'm sorry I failed to protect Rin, but I promise we'll save her."

"I know you will, and I'm going to help once I've healed up."

"Are you sure that's a good-"

"I'm helping."

"Fine. You're very stubborn."

"I prefer the word determined."

They both chuckled.

Sakura was going to save Rin. Then, they were going to win the Holy Grail War, or at least survive it. Afterwards, Sakura was going to move forward. She was sitting stagnant at Rin's side for so long. The Tohsaka sisters would always be there for each other, but they didn't need to be fused to each other. Sakura was going to figure out who she was as an individual. She knew who Sakura Tohsaka was, but not who just Sakura was.

"I think that this war will be the last time I'll act as a magus. I'm going to live a normal life after this. I just need to build up the courage to tell Rin. I know she wouldn't be mad or anything. She'd probably be super supportive, but that might be worse. I'd feel guilty."

"There's no reason to feel guilty. It would probably make Rin happier knowing you're living a safer life than that of a magus."

"You're right. Saber, I think you're right when you say Rin and I are too close. We can still have a strong bond, but it can't be the only one. Thank you for helping me realize that."

"I'm just helping my little sister." Saber winked.

"I wonder what the me from your timeline was like."

That statement made Saber's perkiness die down again. "I do too. I hope our relationship was as nice as yours is with Rin."

"I'm sure it was."

"Yeah." Saber didn't agree. "Anyway, I still need to tell you the specific details of what you missed. I learned a lot, including some info on the Edelfelts."

"That's good. I have a lot of free time right now anyway, so tell me everything."

Things were bleak, but not hopeless.