Lmmmmaoooooooo i know i know, what am i even doing? i just sort of felt like writing smut for the first time in a million years and i know i have others i can(should) finish, but i always meant to write something vernon/lily...and this sort of came out, 6K of pure filth in two days? and i'm not even finished yet. but i think i only have like a chapter or two more, so i feel like i'll finish. but maybe send me lots of reviews so that i'm encouraged? or don't because you think this is trash lmao. sorry not sorry!
Mind the warnings. [also, i never really had a set timeline for how all these lily one shots connect, and i still don't really? but it was super fun throwing them all in here in references so i went to town with it, and if it doesn't make sense lmao oh well this is pwp who cares]
WARNINGS: taboo brother-in-law, revenge, mention of anal and exhibitionism, fondling
It is terribly petty and beyond the lowest of hanging fruit for Lily to decide to spend the entirety of her winter holidays seducing her sister's new fiancé. But maybe Petunia shouldn't have pissed her off so much with that bloody letter.
I do not want you or your freakish tricks anywhere near Vernon, the prig had written Lily in early December. Mother and Father would never admit that they're mortified of you and would rather you spend the holidays elsewhere, but if you insist on returning, you had better keep your distance. Vernon will be with the family for the whole holiday. Do not sully my relationship with your low and immoral sin.
The "low and immoral sin" that Petunia was referencing was Lily's being a witch. Little did she realise that Lily fully intended on parading her "low immorality" in an entirely different way.
And Merlin, was it easy.
"It's so lovely to meet you," she coos to her gruff, mustached target when Petunia is begrudgingly forced to introduce them the morning Lily arrives home from school. As Petunia glares the whole time, Lily eyes up Vernon Dursely as they stand in the Evans' kitchen. He is fat and stout, but holds himself aloft with the kind of trussed-up, egotistical air that Lily pegs instantly for Self-Absorbed Lad. It does not take long to discover what Vernon sees in her sister—Petunia, rail-thin, with pale blonde hair and a giant stick up her arse, is the kind of woman whose only goal in life is to be a homemaker wife, drab and obedient. She is the perfect accessory for ambitious Vernon in his traditional conservative mindset to stash away in his white-picket and only allow out when the boss invites the wives for dinner, where she'd be braying and inoffensive. She probably lets Vernon pump her three or four times in missionary once a week before bedtime, and calls it a job well done.
Testing the waters, Lily bypasses Vernon's extended hand and goes in for a hug, making sure to squirm her big tits with her peaked nipples against his wide chest.
Almost immediately, Vernon's arms go around her…one hand dipping suspiciously low on her back.
Excellent. Lily hides her grin in the man's thick neck. If he doesn't already have some plump secretary on the side he's plowing on the regular, he's clearly primed to bounce onto whatever slut comes along.
Lily fully, fully intends on being that slut.
As she pulls away, she forces herself to flush and flutter, like five seconds in Vernon Dursley's big arms has left her a puddle of dazzled wits. She looks down at the ground and then up, innocent and coy. It is obvious that this is the correct tact. Vernon's type is easily pegged. He'll need to feel like he is the seducer, the aggressor. Vernon's light blue beady eyes watch her like a hawk that had just spotted a juicy mouse. He actually stands there and licks his lips at her.
"Pleasure," he says.
Lily lets loose a silly little giggle, then flips her long red hair over her shoulder as she walks away.
That evening, Lily playfully nudges Dad out of his usual seat at the head of the dinner table so that she can snag a place next to Vernon. With Petunia on his left, and Lily on the right, it is a tight fit at the Evans' typical four-person table, especially considering Vernon's generous girth. Lily spends the entire evening at her most gleaming and charming, telling tales of her school year, but never missing an opportunity to simper and flatter her future brother-in-law. She lets their hands brush several times as they both reach for their glasses or lift their forks. It becomes quickly obvious that Vernon lives for being praised, so Lily forces herself to coo instead of yawn as he brags about his "work accomplishments."
"That's amazing," she gushes toward the end of the meal, grabbing hold of Vernon's forearm with a silky squeeze as he expounds endlessly on his latest raise. "Your company is so lucky to have you. It couldn't be more earned!"
Lily isn't sure what she expects from this blatant display of sickening sycophancy, but it somehow surprises even her when Vernon very stealthily drops his hand below the table, then reaches out to briskly, pointedly, slip a "thankful" palm beneath the light material of Lily's flowery dress. His big, meaty hand gently strokes her upper thigh, then gives it a long squeeze.
"They are lucky," he preens, and with a sharp smirk at her, finally removes his hand.
Fucking hell, this lecher moves fast. Lily makes a point of blushing again, looking virginally startled and yet uncontrollably enamoured.
She cannot honestly say she is shocked when she offers to do the dishes, and Vernon immediately volunteers to assist her.
"You can't!" Petunia screeches, looking pinched and panicked. "Vernon, you're a guest!"
"Never mind that," Vernon shuts her down, his eyes still on Lily. "Didn't you say you had wedding planning to discuss with you mother? Go on, Petunia."
There is not much for Lily's sister to do at that kind of direct dismissal. Not if she wants to stick to her dutiful role as ever-obedient fiancée. She shoots Lily one of her nastiest looks before she leaves, but indeed goes off into the living room to discuss wedding details with Mum.
Vernon, naturally, does not help even a whit with the dishes. Instead, he flutters around Lily as she sets herself to the task, taking every opportunity to brush by her, to reach across her chest, to crowd her with his large body against the tiny kitchen sink.
"Oops. Don't want that getting wet," he chuckles, reaching out to grab a strand of her hair that has dipped over her breast—and is in fact nowhere near the stream of water coming from the faucet. Her future brother-in-law nonetheless makes an entire production of gripping the pieces of hair—and brushing his knuckles firmly over her tit—as he sweeps it back over her shoulder.
She's known him less than twelve hours, and he is already copping a feel.
Merlin, she's good.
"Thank you," she murmurs, bending flushed and pleased over the sink.
Vernon's body is nearly aligned with hers as he grunts with satisfaction and then idly asks, "Petunia mentioned you have a boyfriend?"
Lily hums something noncommittal, even as her mind immediately flashes back to earlier that day, when James had had his big, gorgeous cock destroying her arse with wicked, brutal fuckstrokes just as the Hogwarts Express had been pulling into the station. He'd deliberately opened the train curtains and pressed Lily's humping, half-naked body against the window glass as they cruised into the platform. Lily had screamed in orgasm as numerous passersby had caught an eyeful of her well-fucked body, and shivered even more when James finally pulled out to shoot a hot, sticky load across her plump, reddened arse cheeks.
"Good girl," he'd murmured, and flipped her school skirt back down, so she'd depart the train with his jizz still crusting on her skin.
He'd die laughing to hear how easily this Vernon plan was going off.
"I do," she eventually says, sounding wistful. "But, you know, sometimes…"
"Sometimes?" Vernon prompts, when she doesn't finish.
She flutters her eyelashes some more, then ducks her head. "He's lovely. Really. But sometimes…I mean, sometimes he just seems like such a boy. Especially when…well, when I spend time with real men. Like you." She rushes to continue. "You're just so strong, and handsome, and successful. Any woman would be so lucky to have you. It makes me really think, you know?"
It is, by far, the biggest load of rubbish Lily has ever served up so prettily. It is exceptionally heavy-handed, even for her. She is certain she'll glance up to find Vernon has caught on, clearly tipped off by this effusive hand she's played.
Instead, Vernon's blue eyes gleam down at her with fiery heat, and he gives his lips a quick swipe with his pink tongue. Almost before Lily can realise what he's doing, he's stepped behind her, his front flush with her rear.
"You need a real man," he tells her, and pumps his hips forward.
Lily immediately feels the protruding curve of his erection against her arse.
Jesus Christ!
She doesn't have to feign the surprised gasp. She genuinely did not expect this wankstain to prod at her with his hardened dick on the very first night they met!
But this is a game, and now it's her turn. Thankfully, she knows exactly what to do. Following her little gasp, she leans forward to turn off the faucet, simultaneously pooching her arse out to nudge Vernon's dick.
"I should go!" she squeaks, playing at ruffled and shocked. This is as far as the game can go tonight. No one would believe her falling to her knees after one bloody evening, never mind Vernon's ego and over-eagerness. But as she turns to dash away, she makes a point to let her eyes drift down Vernon's body, straight to his tenting trousers, then back up to his eyes.
He smirks at her.
"Good night," he says.