One Step Closer (I'll Be By Your Side)

Prompt: Meredith and Addison fall in love, one cup of juju at a time

A/N: Title from "Find My Way Back" by Eric Arjes

Working with Addison was something that she'd grown to look forward to. The redhead was an amazing teacher who treated her fairly. There was no ulterior motive when they had a conversation, no secret message that she had to try to uncover. There were no sad puppy dog looks either, because she was rarely on Derek's service, something that she was immensely grateful for. Yes, they still interacted at work, but she didn't have to worry about him trying to get her to talk to him. If anything, she found herself wanting to spend more time with Addison. Of the two Shepherds, she found the neonatal surgeon to be the more reasonable of the two.

Which led to this moment. Scrubbing out of a difficult surgery with Addison, where they'd lost their patient, where, coming out of the OR floor, she found that three other patients had also been lost.

"Call it, Grey."

"Time of death, 8:17."

A trifecta wasn't a good thing, but four? That may have been worse. Or so Addison had said. Thus, the redhead was handing out cups of something to the Attendings and to Bailey as well.

"Meredith," she stopped walking, looking at Addison with a confused expression. Her friends had continued on with Bailey, leaving her here with Addison. Traitors. The redhead extended her hand, their fingers brushing as she passed her the cup of warm liquid, "Thank you for your help this morning."

"Oh," her lips curved into a confused smile, and she hoped she wasn't blushing, even though she felt her face warming, "Thank you, Addison."

They smiled at each other, and it felt slightly awkward. Like they weren't supposed to be friendly but were; like they were supposed to hate each other but didn't. And maybe they were supposed to hate each other. The wife and mistress being friends? No way.

"Yeah," Addison gestured with her hand to dismiss her, "Thank you." She didn't hesitate, escaping quickly around the corner.

The drink, she realized, was hot cocoa — juju as she would learn Addison called it — and it was sweet and perfect, but she dumped the cup in the trash after only a few sips. It definitely wouldn't look good if she went around drinking it like the Attendings and her resident were. She'd had enough talk of favoritism to last a lifetime.


At the end of her shift, Addison approached her again, once more with a steaming cup of juju.

"Hey."

She looked up, "Hey."

"I'm sorry about your patient."

Her tone felt more sincere than this morning, less awkward, more open as she replied, "Thank you, Addison."

The warm smile on the redhead's lips made her face warm. She sipped on the drink slowly, watching as Addison walked away to Derek. It broke her a little bit, to watch the other woman walk away. To watch her link arms with him.

She shook her head. What was she thinking?


Meredith didn't quite know what had come over her, but she waited nervously outside the Attendings lounge. Most were probably assuming she was waiting for Derek, given that his divorce had been finalized, but she wasn't. No, that would be too simple. No, she was waiting for the now ex-She-Shepherd herself.

The steaming cup of cocoa was warm between her hands, and she found herself perking up as she heard the sound of Addison's heels. Not that she had been listening for them. No, absolutely not —

"Dr. Grey?" Addison's voice was laced with professionalism, with undertones of confusion bleeding through.

"Dr. Montgomery," She smiled shyly, holding out the cocoa as Addison met her in the hall, "I'm sorry about your divorce."

Addison took the cup and took a tentative sip, before her jade eyes met hers over the lid, "Juju?"

"It's what you do, right? After a bad day?"

Addison looked like she might correct her, but instead, she smiled and took another sip, "Thank you, Meredith."

"Can I walk you out?" At Addison's confused look, she backtracked, "It's just, I heard Mark talking earlier, and I…" She stopped and blushed despite herself.

Really, Addison was a grown woman. If she wanted to sleep with Mark the night she got divorced then so be it.

"I'd like that, Meredith," Addison spoke up, and it made her heartbeat quicken.

And maybe they weren't friends, but it was a start.


There weren't enough blankets to keep her warm. Even with the electric blanket at a toasty 65 degrees Fahrenheit, laid out on top of the four hospital issue ones that the nurses had secured her in, she felt cold. It was a type of cold that settled in her bones, chilled her to her very core.

Derek had left less than 20 minutes ago, with the promise to be back in the morning. She had wanted him to stay, if only because he was warm. She had no idea what she wanted from him, but for the moment, it was his body warmth. She managed to suppress another chill as it danced along her spine just as the door to her hospital room opened.

"Addison?" she questioned as the redhead stepped into the room, carefully shutting the door behind her.

The older surgeon offered her a slight smile as she sat in the vacated seat, moving it closer to her bed, "Hey."

"What are you doing here?" She knew it was late, and she was sure Addison had surgery tomorrow.

Addison smiled, setting a paper cup down on the nightstand, the lid holding a small straw, "I brought you something that'll help warm you up," She opened her mouth to refute the claim that she needed to be warmed up, but a sharp chill raced down her spine. Addison leaned forward to help her to sit up, "I'll hold the cup. You just sip it nice and slow. Careful, it's hot."

With a perplexed look, she wrapped her lips around the straw, sucking slowly. She couldn't help the moan that slid from between her lips as the warmth of the juju hit her tongue. It was so good. Just what she needed.

She knew she was blushing. She knew it without even looking at Addison's reaction. She took another slow sip and swallowed, peeking at Addison through heavy-lidded eyes. Addison's eyes were dark, her jade almost completely swallowed by black.

"Thank you," she said softly.

"Such a good girl."

This time, her shudder had everything to do with Addison's words. Addison didn't give her a chance to respond, holding the straw up to her lips again. Still, she kept her eyes on the redhead as she continued to drink the juju until it was completely gone, the straw holding nothing but air. The drink was warm in her stomach, leaving her content. She could feel the warmth everywhere, like she'd just come in from a winter afternoon playing in the snow. The cold was still there but muted, dulled.

It didn't matter that Addison had shifted to stroke her hair instead of pulling away. It didn't feel awkward. It felt nice. Yeah. It was nice to just sit together, to have that contact. Her eyelids felt heavy, and she slowly closed them, trying desperately to stay awake.

When she woke the next morning, Addison was gone. She didn't know why it hurt worse than when Derek had left her not long after confirming that Ellis was dead.


There was a part of her that hated that Addison had left in the aftermath of the Burke/Cristina wedding drama. It wasn't even that she left. She could understand that she was accepting another job. It was more how she left. It had everything to do with coming back from the paid-for honeymoon with Cristina to Addison being gone, and everyone going on like she hadn't been there in the first place.

It had hurt. It still hurt.

And seeing her again after nearly six months, well, that hurt even worse. Hugging Addison, while a memory that she wanted to keep forever, was bittersweet. She didn't deserve to be hugged, to be told she and Derek were a happy couple when they were anything but. She knew she didn't want him. That him moving on with Rose would be a good thing.

"There you are," she blinked at the voice. And here she'd thought the tunnels were a good place to escape.

Addison was making her way over to her, carrying two cups of what looked to be…

"Juju?" She asked as Addison reached her.

"Only the best," Addison handed her a cup and leaned on the empty gurney beside her, "Any reason you're down here?"

"It's quiet," she replied, "Helps me think."

Addison hummed in response, "I met Rose," the neonatal Attending bumped her shoulder, "She's okay."

She laughed softly, "He's happy."

"Why did you break up?"

"It just wasn't working. We just wanted different things," Addison didn't push, only encouraged her to drink her cocoa. After a few minutes, she turned to face Addison, "Why did you leave Seattle?"

"Because I needed to change my life," Addison answered without hesitation.

"And you couldn't change it here?"

Addison smiled sadly, "No, I couldn't. I tried, but…" She trailed off, and for a moment, there was silence.

"I miss you," she confessed, looking at Addison, "That's weird, huh?"

Addison chuckled slightly, "I miss you too, Meredith. Here, give me your phone."

She handed it over without hesitation but couldn't help but ask, "Why?"

Addison chuckled slightly, "I'll put in my number. Anytime you need me, you can text me."

She smiled, "Anytime?"

"Promise."


Of all the places she expected Addison to be after her brother's surgery, the hospital chapel was the least of her guesses. She was worried that maybe Addison had changed her number, but the reply thirty seconds later, confirming her location, had reassured her. She made her way from the coffee cart and towards the hospital chapel.

She entered the chapel quietly, noticing Addison immediately. Her short hair was still something to get used to, but it suited her.

She sat in the pew beside her, holding out her hand, "I brought juju."

"Thanks," Addison took it from her carefully, so she didn't spill, and held it for a moment, "I'm so relieved that he's okay. I should be celebrating with everyone else, but I…" Addison shrugged, looking at her with a soft smile, "He didn't want anyone to know about the worms. He would've rather died than worry me."

"You still look pretty worried," She took a sip of her own juju, "We got them all, Addie. He's going to be okay. He'll be back to bothering you at work in no time at all."

"Thanks, Mer," Addison took a sip of the juju, humming softly, "I think I still want to sit here for a bit."

They sat together in silence, only broken by the occasional sips of their juju. She nearly jumped when Addison leaned against her, her head resting on her shoulder, but after a few seconds, she calmed her racing heart.

"I think he might propose."

She felt Addison smile against her shoulder, "That's good, right?"

She thought of hazy conversations distorted by morphine and I don't hate you, thought of stolen moments over cups of juju, words that she wanted to say that were locked away, being so afraid of rejection that it was better to just bury them and forget.

"I'm not very good at commitment," She said instead.


She could hear the arguing as she rounded the corner to the Attendings lounge. And while she wasn't an Attending herself, today, she doesn't care about hospital hierarchy. Mark's voice was loud and angry, and Addison's voice held so much venom, she wondered if maybe she needed a nickname other than Satan.

She supposed it was a good thing they were arguing in the lounge because there were so many filthy curse words, she nearly blushed. She waited a few seconds after Mark had stormed out before she walked in, hesitantly. Addison sat on the couch, her head in her hands.

"Addie?"

"Hm?" The sound barely passed the older woman's lips, but it made her smile slightly.

"Don't let what Mark said get to you. He's not thinking like a surgeon today."

Addison let out a laugh, turning to look at her, "No, I don't suppose he is," She eyed the drink in her hand, "Juju?"

"I know you didn't really get a chance to operate, with the uterine arteries being engorged and all that, but I figured you could use it." She said in lieu of explaining further, handing her the cup.

"How'd you know her uterine arteries were engorged?"

"You operated with my sister, Addison," She bumped her shoulder lightly, "Can't you just say thank you for the juju?"

Addison bumped her back, taking a sip of the drink, "Thank you, Meredith. I needed this."

And whether Addison meant the juju or her company, she wasn't sure. But it made her smile regardless.


Her thoughts have been a mess. She knew that. Between Alex getting shot and Derek getting shot and Cristina having PTSD, her thoughts have been a chaotic, horrible mess.

She hadn't been cleared for surgery yet, and she needed to get her mind off of the shooting; it had happened a day ago and yet, she just wanted to forget it. She knew that the hospital was still a mess too. Derek's sister Amelia had stopped by to check on him. It gave her time to leave his hospital room. She needed to breathe.

She was halfway to the elevator when she ran into Addison. Literally. They collided roughly, but Addison's hands were warm as she steadied her.

"Meredith," Addison had shifted to pull her close, and she relaxed against the redhead, returning the hug. She needed the hug. It felt so nice, and for a moment, she forgot about everything else.

But it came back in flashes, her conversation with April as they assessed Owen's gunshot.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay."

"Are you sure?" There was a beat and then, "Oh, my God! Did you get shot?"

"No, I didn't get shot, okay? I'm…I'm okay."

"But… but you could be in shock and not know it. Here, let…let me feel…"

"I'm… I'm okay."

"But there's blood spreading down your thighs."

"I'm okay. I'm…" she paused as the realization set in, "I'm having a miscarriage."

"Meredith?"

She pulled back from the hug, looking up into Addison's concerned eyes, "Addison, I had a miscarriage. During the shooting, I…"

She felt herself break down, tears pooling in her eyes, threatening to spill over.

"Did you," Addison began, gently leading her towards the elevator, correcting herself, "Have you been checked out?" She shook her head, "Let's start with that, Mer, okay? And then maybe some juju will help, hm?"

"Okay. It's not gonna be weird is it?"

"Hm? What?"

"Us being friends. Because you're gonna see my vagina in a medical way?"

Addison laughed as the elevator doors shut behind them, and it was enough to get her to smile slightly, "No, no it won't be weird."

And maybe Addison should have privileges before doing this, but she knew if it came to her needing extra care, that Addison would force the privileges out of Richard. If there was one thing she was completely sure of, it was that she was completely safe with Addison.


She was sure that Addison would've already left the hospital, left Seattle, by the time she'd managed to text her. It was pure luck that Addison agreed to meet her by one of the benches near the ER entrance. It reminded her of the moment they had in Joe's, ages ago now, Are you leaving already and I have a plane to catch.

"You did good work today," She said from the bench.

Addison rolled her eyes slightly as she made her way over, "Me? All I did was deliver Callie and Arizona's baby girl. You all saved Callie."

"But you came when we needed you. When she needed you," She passed Addison the juju as she sat beside her.

"You're right, I'm so badass, I know," Addison replied, and she couldn't help but laugh, "What? You don't think I'm badass, hm?"

"You definitely are, Addison," she acknowledged. And she wanted to say something like I'd like it if you'd visit when there wasn't a tragedy, but instead she leaned against the back of the bench, "I tried fertility treatments to get pregnant."

"Oh? And how did that go? Did you find the right one?"

Addison's exuberance almost hurt. She smiled slightly, "As it turns out, not only is my uterus hostile, the fertility treatments almost made me lose my sight."

"You'll find a way to have a family, Meredith. It'll happen."

It sounded so different than when Derek had told her the exact same thing. She wanted to believe Derek, but when Addison said it, she felt like it could actually happen.

"Yeah?"

"You'll be an amazing mother, Meredith."


She didn't talk to Addison for a while after that, even if she'd dream of her often. She didn't think about what the dreams meant, refused to acknowledge them as anything more than her subconscious wondering about her.

When they'd officially adopted Zola, she sent Addison a text, with a photo of her and Zola, captioned: You were right. She didn't think about why she'd cropped Derek out of the photo she sent, refusing to think about it. They fought a lot now, over the ending of his Alzheimer's trial, him being blacklisted, things that were over and done with but he kept bringing up.


The plane crash had nearly broken the hospital itself. Derek was so concerned about his hand and his career that he never noticed that she was spiraling. Losing Lexie had taken a piece of her and crumbled it to nothing.

Losing Mark was almost worse.

Addison had barely made it to Seattle before they'd taken him off life support. She'd watched from outside the room as Addison, Callie and Derek sat with him as he'd passed.

They'd sat and cried in the room for nearly half an hour before they slowly trailed out. First Derek, who had looked past her, through her really, then Callie, who'd given Addison one last hug — her arms tight as she fought crying again, before she left to go back to Arizona's room — before Addison finally came out herself. The redhead noticed her immediately, offering her a watery smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.

She held out her hand, offering her the cup of juju, and Addison took it gratefully.

"Addison," she began softly.

The redhead shook her head and started down the hallway. She was quick to follow her. They walked in silence for a little while before Addison stopped in front of an on-call room. She was only perplexed for a moment before Addison was opening the door and motioning her inside.

The click of the lock resounded in the room, and she watched as Addison sat on the bed. She wasn't sure how long she stood at the door, watching as she finished the juju and discarded the cup in the trash, but it wasn't long before Addison looked up at her with pleading eyes. The pain in them broke her even more.

"Can you just sit with me, please? I just need a minute or two."

She nodded and moved to sit on the bed. How they ended up laying on the bed was still a mystery to her. But she could remember the scent of Addison's shampoo as she calmly stroked her fingers through red locks, muttering words of comfort that she wasn't sure was actually helping, as the redhead broke down in her arms.

A minute or two became nearly half-an-hour, and she found that in Addison's presence, she could grieve Lexie's death as well as Mark's.


When she found out she was pregnant with little Bailey, she'd texted Addison right away, asking about the right prenatal vitamins and other needs. And yes, there were competent OBs in Seattle, but she wanted the best. Addison had been thrilled for her, and had called her, making sure she got the right doses and such.

She'd sent Addison a video when Bailey started kicking more, had whined when Addison had laughed after she told her about the first time he'd kicked, how worried she was that something was wrong.

She'd called Addison after Seattle's OB Attending had assessed her after her fall down the stairs. A second opinion over the phone wouldn't hurt anything.

Having Bailey during the superstorm had been absolutely terrifying, but she knew that she was in safe hands with the older Bailey.

Cristina had taken a photo of the four of them, her, Derek, Zola and Bailey. She'd sent it to Addison — this time with Derek's arms visible, as he was holding Zola — with his name.

Derek Bailey Grey-Shepherd. Bailey for short.

Addison's reply took a few minutes, but it absolutely warmed her heart: He's perfect, Meredith. Congratulations.


When Derek took the job in D.C., she found herself resenting him. How could he do this, leaving her to raise their family alone?

She texted Addison the night he left, the night they fought, the night she told him to go. The night he listened without a moment's hesitation.

"Go now."

"Oh, I'm going."

For the first time, she let her anger about the entire situation out: I hate him. I hate him so much. I hate that he did this to our family. How am I supposed to do this alone?

Addison's reply was swift: I'm here if you need anything, Meredith.

She doesn't know why she asked: Do you have a juju recipe? I really need some right now.

Addison called her minutes later, walking her through preparing it, making sure she wrote everything down.


They messaged almost daily; about the kids, life, cooking. It's a routine that she's come to cherish more than anything, even surgeries. She doesn't pay attention to her wins and losses, doesn't think about Derek being in D.C. in the slightest. In fact, some nights it almost felt like she was married to Addison with how much they communicated. She knew why the thought didn't freak her out like it probably should have, but she'd kept her feelings buried deep down.


She didn't take vacation time. There was never a moment to do so, really. But Maggie and Amelia had Zola and Bailey, so, for once, she was going to take vacation time. She'd promised Derek that she'd come to visit him, and while it was an annoying process, she got the ticket.

She got to the airport, ready to board a flight to go see Derek. Her husband. The supposed love of her life. At the last minute, she changed her mind, swiftly booking a flight to LA instead.

Addison had mentioned a couple months ago that she and Jake were getting divorced. She knew that it was going to be finalized soon, and she wanted to go check on her, even if her arrival only caused more turmoil. But they were friends, and friends did this. And it had nothing to do with a woman answering Derek's phone. Nothing at all.

When she got back a few days later, Maggie confronted her as to where she had gone. Because she'd called Derek, had known she hadn't gone to see him like she'd planned. She couldn't tell her how she'd drank wine with her husband's ex-wife the night her flight landed, watching as one of the strongest women she knew had broken down crying into her arms. And she couldn't tell her that she was drinking hot cocoa with the redhead the next morning, asking for advice on what to do when the man she thought loved her may have been having an affair. She couldn't tell Maggie that she'd slept in Addison's bed with her the second night because neither of them were used to sleeping alone. She couldn't tell her sister that it was the best sleep she'd had in a long time because Maggie didn't know their history, didn't know them, and God forbid she misunderstood something.


The next time she called was when she was on the way to Dillard. Packing up two kids in the dead of night wasn't something she was prone to do often, but she had no other option. Addison's voice was sleepy, but she'd woken instantly at the pain in her voice, reassuring her that she'd be there. And she shouldn't be calling Addison. She should be calling Amelia or any one of Derek's other sisters or Hell, even his Mother, but the only number that she could think to call was Addison.


Addison pressed the cup into her hand and then sat beside her on the bench. Shoulder to shoulder, she resisted the urge to lean her head on the redhead, wanting nothing more than to sink into her. Two women, burned by the same man. She knew now that that was why she'd called her. Because losing Derek wasn't something she wanted to go through alone. She needed someone who understood. She needed Addison.

"I was going to divorce him," The words came quietly, but Addison didn't turn to look at her, "When he got home, I was going to give him the papers. And now he's dead."

"You didn't kill him, Meredith."

And maybe that was true, but she certainly didn't believe it. Fate had been too cruel to her for it not to have somehow been her fault.

When Addison took her hand, she was thankful for the contact.


There was only one person she wanted when she ran away from Seattle with Zola and Bailey. Showing up on the beach house wasn't exactly her plan. San Diego was her plan. Somewhere that she could just grieve. But it all came back to what — of who — she'd needed at Dillard nearly two months prior. A person. Someone who understood. To lean on. She needed Addison. So, of course, she'd driven to find her. Even if it had been a subconscious thing, she knew what she needed.

Finding out she was pregnant wasn't part of the plan. But Addison was the best OB/GYN she knew, and she felt safe with her. She'd craved juju all throughout her pregnancy with Ellis. Nothing hit the spot like the warm, chocolaty concoction.

Bleeding out in the kitchen of the beach house hadn't been her plan. Yet, despite all the complications that arose with her third child, she was glad that Addison was at St. Ambrose after Zola had called the ambulance. She was half-delirious as Addison was wheeling her into surgery, apologizing for the blood on the floor in the kitchen. Addison had shushed her softly. In the end, she was glad that it had been Addison that had delivered her baby girl into the world, that had saved her once again.

When Alex was called as her emergency contact, she was almost surprised that he'd shown up. She'd frozen everyone from Seattle out, trying to give herself time to grieve, to process everything. She almost didn't want to see him. Until Addison was breezing into the room with little Ellis, accompanying Alex, to place her daughter into her arms. It felt right that Addison was there, like there was nowhere else she needed to be. She tore her gaze from warm, jade eyes to gaze into her daughter's gorgeous blue, and it felt like her heart was complete.


Returning to Seattle was hard. She'd spent the last eight months and two weeks in LA with Addison and Henry. Zola and Bailey had grown attached to the little boy, almost as much as she'd grown attached to him and to his mother. And she knew the feelings were mutual, that Addison was missing Zola and Bailey (and now Ellis) just as much, that at least two of her kids wanted Addie's juju more than anything.


She never thought morphine would become her best friend, but after Lou had attacked her, she'd become almost dependent on it. She remembered faces and figures of her colleagues, had gotten a reluctant Penny to show her her chart. She'd hated the results, had almost regretted forcing the issue. Her jaw was wired shut, she had a monteggia fracture in her left forearm, a tibial plateau fracture on her left leg, and had fractured her 5th through 8th ribs on her left side, resulting in a left pneumothorax. The injury to her larynx had her on vocal rest, and had she been able to hear, she would have been sure to have taken issue with that. As it was, she was just a broken mess of a person, unable to communicate correctly. She felt entirely useless.

The motion in the hall was what woke her. She still couldn't hear, but the moment she opened her eyes, she caught the familiar flash of red hair. Addison. Amelia was there too, with Richard, and they all looked to be in some kind of argument.

After a moment, Amelia and Richard walked off in separate directions. She took in the way Addison's shoulders slumped, the hand that she ran over her face, before she stood taller and turned, opening the door to her hospital room and stepping inside.

She couldn't very well feign sleep, and even though she wanted desperately to hit the morphine button so that she could sleep, the sight of Addison kept her from doing so. She'd missed her. She always missed her when she wasn't around.

The redhead smiled gently at her and then moved to sit in the chair beside her bed, on her right side. She lifted her hand, looking like she might want to touch her, but instead, she settled for holding her hand. Physical contact felt so nice.

Nearly every time she woke up, Addison was there. The only time she wasn't was when she woke up as she was being wheeled into surgery. That time, it had been Alex. But Addison had been there when she woke back up after surgery.

When she got her hearing back, it was Addison's voice she heard first, telling Alex that she was fine here, and he had a girlfriend to get home to, that as much as he was Meredith's person, he needed to go to Jo before he lost her.

Addison had been there with her when Arizona had brought the kids to see her, and even though it had gone spectacularly horrible at first, Addison being in the room had helped Zola and Bailey not be so scared at seeing her hurt. She'd calmed Ellis when the baby girl had cried, and she'd calmed her as well, when she was on the verge of a panic attack.

When she was able to talk, it was Addison who heard her voice first, as she rehearsed what she would say to Amelia. Addison had helped her get home, had helped her get the kids settled into bed.

Their first conversation out of the hospital after nearly six weeks was started with a cup of juju. Addison passed her it before sitting on the couch beside her.

"You've helped so much these last few weeks, Addison."

"It's no trouble," Addison leaned back on the couch, "I'm glad I could help you and Amelia."

"You saved her a lot of pain," she agreed, "Thank you, Addison. So much."

"She's my sister. It's what you do for family."

And the question was burning on her tongue, but she didn't want to know the answer.

If she's your sister, then what am I?

"I'm sure Henry misses you."

Addison chuckled, "I miss him too. I'm glad Jake could take him on such short notice."

She knew that Addison would have to go back to LA soon, but she wanted to keep her here, just for a little while longer.


The moment she found out about Amelia's brain tumor, she called Addison. It was probably too soon, but she knew that Amelia would need Addison. It was easier to keep Addison in the loop if she knew early on; she was worried that maybe Amelia would object to the idea, but the neurosurgeon said nothing when she told her that she'd called the redhead. What she hadn't expected was Addison asking if she had an extra room in the house. She'd confirmed that she did, and that was how Addison and Henry had moved in with them for a few months.

It was a bit rocky at first, Ellis not used to Henry, Henry unsure of his new surroundings, but Bailey and Zola had helped out a bunch. Bailey and Henry got along well, and Zola helped Ellis with opening up to playing with Henry. It was definitely rowdier with four kids in the house, but it worked. It felt good to come home to four kids. Amelia was grateful that Addison was there, and she was too. Even with Maggie helping out, sometimes Amelia was hardheaded. Addison understood and was quick to step in.

Once Amelia was out of the hospital, she and Addison celebrated with the kids by buying ice cream. The kids made welcome home signs for their Aunt, and for the first time in a long time, she felt whole.

When Addison and Henry moved back down to LA, she wasn't quite sure how she was supposed to cope with watching the redhead walk away again, but she did.


They keep in daily contact after Amelia's tumor. When she found out that she was going to jail for insurance fraud, her last call was to Addison. She didn't want Addison to be her last call, but the kids were her first priority. She explained the situation quickly, making sure Addison knew the details of her case. She made sure that the neonatal surgeon had her lawyer's number, just in case.

"Think you're gonna get shanked inside?"

"You never know. I'll be lucky to have my job after this, let alone my license."

"Meredith…"

"I've got to go, Addie. Can you check in with Amelia and Maggie while I'm inside?"

"Of course. Every night."

"Thank you."


The trial itself had been a nightmare. The doctor who had operated on Derek was on the Board, and she wasn't sure who was angrier: her or Addison. She wasn't expecting the redhead to show up, not after she'd written her letter to the Board, but she'd snuck in and sat behind her, next to Richard. The more the man talked about Ellis, the more she could feel Addison seething behind her. So, she stood up and confronted him.

"That one night should have cost you your entire career, but instead you're sitting up here judging me? You don't deserve to judge anyone!"

Him collapsing in shock, possibly from a seizure, wasn't part of anything. Just a strange occurrence. She knew it shouldn't make her feel good, but after assessing him and sending him off to Grey-Sloan, she felt just a bit better.

"And someone get him a head CT!"

While the rest of the panel went to recess and debated, she took a moment to step away from everyone. Was this really the end of everything? Her career? Could it really end like this?

"Here, you need this."

She looked over as Addison stepped up beside her, holding out a cup of juju.

"You find me when I don't want to be found," She replied, bringing the cup up and sniffing it.

"What are you doing?"

"Making sure you're not trying to poison me."

"Ha ha," Addison deadpanned, "So, you gave the man that killed Derek a seizure. Big whoop."

She smiled and took a sip, "Thank you."

They leaned against the railing, sipping their juju as the cool hair hit them. It was nice, in a way. No matter the outcome. This moment was…

"If this happens again, you come to me."

She blinked at Addison in utter confusion, "If I try to put one of my kids' names on an insurance form," she began.

"No!" Addison corrected, "If it ever comes to the point where you have to choose between your career and a patient's life, you come to me."

"Bold of you to assume that they'll let me keep my license."

"I'll stake my career on it, Mer."

"Why would I come to you?" At Addison's hurt expression, she continued, "I don't mean," she took a breath, "If it comes down to it, what would you do?"

"I'm freaking loaded, Mer. God, I'll pay for the whole surgery. But the medical community needs a surgeon like you. The Board will see that. But you cannot ever do something this stupid again."

When her lawyer interrupted their conversation, her face gave nothing away.

"They've reached a decision."

She wasn't quite sure who hugged her harder when it was ruled that she could keep her medical license: Alex or Addison.


They rely on each other when COVID hits. Addison was stuck at home, doing consults and appointments virtually, while she was on the frontlines, in the hospital for weeks at a time, only seeing her children via FaceTime. But she and Addison were able to text, and in fact, they did text every day. It was something that she could always count on.

In fact, she'd been in the middle of texting Addison when she'd collapsed in the parking lot outside of Grey-Sloan, COVID having sunk its claws into her.

From there, she had no idea what was happening outside of the beach her mind had conjured up. She could only rely on what everyone told her while she was unconscious. She had the beach moments with George, Lexie, Mark and Derek.

Seeing George was absolutely bittersweet, as was his conversations about the beach, that really wasn't a beach. The sand wasn't real. The ocean wasn't real. It was all in her head. Him being aged up was all in her head.

"Do I choose? Do I get to decide if I want to go back?"

George's reply tugged at her heart, "I don't know. I didn't. I would've stayed if I could have."


Seeing Mark and Lexie on the beach together lifted her spirits. They'd been soulmates, she knew that. They belonged together. She was happy that on the beach they were together. Sitting in a grassy area, she was able to get some closure.

"I miss you both so much."

Lexie smiled, "That's kind of a waste of life too."

"Why?"

Lexie replied, "Because we never left you."

Mark nodded in agreement, "Sometimes we're right beside you, yelling in your ear."

Lexie continued, "Don't waste it, Meredith."

"Don't waste what?" she asked, looking between them.

Mark looked at Lexie, smiling, "Don't waste one single moment."


She wasn't sure how much she loved the idea of a "wedding" with Derek on the beach, but she decided to humor him.

"What do you want me to promise?"

Derek smiled, "Stop torturing yourself so much."


Hell, she had even seen Hayes, and even though she knew he was alive, the sight was almost sombering, as he talked about Ellis and Bailey and Zola.

"They need you, Grey."

"I know."

"They need you to fight. We all need you to fight."

"I don't know that I can. It's so warm here; the water is so cool. I feel so relaxed, and there's no pain."

"I'm asking you to fight. Fight, Grey."

So, she fought. It was just one more fight for her to conquer.


When she finally woke up, for real, for good, with Zola's arms around her, there was so much she wanted to do. So much she wanted to say. But she was definitely too exhausted for anything at the moment.

She made sure that Amelia had let Addison know that the vent was out, that she was awake, but it wasn't until the night Jackson had driven her home from the hospital that she'd gotten a chance to talk to Addison.

She'd gotten the kids settled into bed with help from Maggie and Amelia and then got herself settled on the couch, sipping on a cup of juju, pulling out her phone. She went to Addison's name and hit FaceTime. After a few rings, Addison's face came up on her phone. Everything she wanted to say faded from her mind the moment she saw the distraught look on the redhead's face.

"Add – "

"You're really okay? I'm not dreaming?"

She smiled slightly, "Aww, you missed me?"

"Shut up, you idiot. You almost died."

"I'm okay, Addie, really," She replied gently, "Got some juju."

The tension in Addison's face faded as the redhead smiled, holding up her own cup, "Me too."


The uterine transplant was a momentous occasion. It had never been done before, so for Addison to attempt it was awe inspiring. To be able to assist with it, to just be in the OR with Addison again, working alongside her? That was even better. She was no longer a wet behind the ears intern, no longer a shaky resident. This time, they were equals.

The OR was riddled with tension. She knew that. She could taste it. As she and Addison talked about the procedure and the frequent trips to Minnesota, it was there, like an elephant in the room. It wasn't an awkward tension, though. It was more of a give and take, their eyes meeting every so often. The subtle flirting over Tovah wasn't lost on her, and she was sure that the interns could pick up on it. Every time Addison's eyes were on her, she didn't feel the heat.

They made their way down the hallway after the long procedure — made even longer by the lack of AC — was almost comical. If she wasn't sweaty and overheated, the intern's comments about the tension between her and Addison would've been hilarious.

Ortiz: "Did they have it out in the OR?"

Helm, of course: "No, but there was tension."

Perez: "There was definitely tension."

"We can hear you," She couldn't help but snark, barely turning her head, but the tone in her voice left no room for rebuttals.

The moment the elevator doors closed, they were laughing. At one point, Addison reached out and grabbed her thigh to steady herself, and she felt a shiver race down her spine at the touch. She thought about asking Addison about it, but before she could, the redhead started crying.

The sight itself startled her and sobered her good mood instantly. She hit the emergency stop as Addison pulled off her scrub cap and leaned against the metal wall.

There was one beat. Two.

"I'm sorry," Addison choked out, "I just…Jake died, and this is the first time I've let myself feel happy since it happened. The uterine transplant was originally his idea and I just," Addison wiped at her tears with the back of her hand, though more kept coming, "I didn't mean to do this in front of you."

"I'm so sorry, Addison. When did it happen?"

"A few weeks ago. I know that we didn't work out, but I did love him. Henry loved him."

"Who's Henry with right now?"

"Naomi and Sam. I should've just brought him with me."

"Why's that?" From what she remembered, Sam and Naomi were old med school friends of Derek, Addison and Mark. They were all working together in New York at one point as well. Naomi had dated Archer from what she could remember.

Addison let out a bitter laugh, wiping away tear tracks, "They think that our divorce was a mistake, that had I not asked for it, he'd still be here."

The words echoed within her, and their conversation from so long ago, from when Derek died, came back to her.

"You didn't kill him, Addison."

"I know that," Addison replied, "But some days I feel like I did."

"Why don't you come over for dinner tonight? I'm sure the kids would love to see you."

"Okay," Addison accepted, "but if you try to force juju on me in triple degree weather…"

She laughed softly, "No need to go all Satan on me."

"Ruler of All that is Evil."

She flipped the emergency switch back as Addison joined her at the door, and she took the opportunity to pull her into a side hug. It was a slightly awkward angle, but she felt Addison relax against her.

"I can't wait to get out of these scrubs," she said.

Addison chuckled against her, "A cold shower is definitely needed."

"Race you to the showers?"

"We are two respectable Attendings, who are supposed to set an example for our peers, plus it's hot as Hell. And you want to run?" Addison replied, but as the door began to open, she leaned closer, her breath hot against her ear, her tone decidingly challenging, "Once we get around the corner, we start. Last one buys juju next."

They stepped out of the elevator in unison, Addison still wiping her face of the stray tear marks, and she fought to ignore the anger that tried to seize her as she heard Helm, "I don't know what happened, but Grey made her cry… and I'm here for it."

But she found her focus being pulled back towards Addison the closer they got to the corner.

"Ready?" Addison's voice was measured.

"You're on," She replied.

They took off the moment they rounded the corner, and for a minute, she felt like an intern again, rushing through the hallways to get to someplace important, dodging nurses and other doctors alike, but this time she was laughing. They both were. The adrenaline rush was nearly euphoric. It felt good to run.

Briefly, she was sure she heard Bailey — "Why are my Attendings running in the halls?!" — but everything was a blur really. Everything except Addison.

They made it to the showers at nearly the same time, and she was sure she would've won. Had she not tripped. She crashed into Addison, sending them both spiraling out onto the floor, with her landing on top of the neonatal surgeon. Addison's laughter was infectious, and she found herself laughing along with her, as they fought to stand up.

"What did you trip over?"

"My own feet, probably."

She tried to ignore the pulse of arousal that shot through her as she struggled to her feet, carefully helping Addison up.

"Juju is definitely on you," Addison sing-songed.

"Uh huh," she replied, "The next day we're not dying from a heat wave, I'll buy you some juju."

Addison smiled, "Good girl."

She was very thankful that she was turned away from Addison because the amount of surprise that colored her face at the familiar words sent a pulse of heat rushing between her legs.

Luckily, the rest of her shift went by quickly, and by the time Amelia and Addison came to the house, she'd cooled down. Ice cream for dinner wasn't that healthy, but it was still warm out, and once in a while wouldn't hurt the kids.

After the kids were asleep, she and Addison shared a bottle of wine on the couch. The next thing she remembered was Maggie waking her up, some time around 2 am. She and Addison had fallen asleep on the couch, the empty bottle of wine on the coffee table, and from the confused look her sister was giving her, their position was a little bit suggestive.

Which was confirmed when Winston came through the door, and promptly turned around.

"Okay, look, all for whatever you've got going on there, but a little warning."

Addison, awoken by the noise, hummed softly, and snuggled closer to her. Honest to God, she had no idea how they'd fallen asleep on the couch, but they were tangled together, legs intertwined, and Addison had her face burrowed in her neck. The little puffs of air were completely welcomed, not that she would tell her that. And she also wouldn't tell her that, despite the awkward position, she was happy to have her laying on her.

"We're just gonna go up to bed now," Maggie looked between them, sending her a 'We need to talk' look, before she grabbed her husband's hand and led him upstairs.

And really, it was something they should talk about — they, as in her and Addison — but it was definitely a conversation for another day, far, far in the future.


Tovah's second surgery went from bad to worse. Between the tension between herself and Richard over her consideration at taking the Minnesota job, the clot in Tovah's uterus that Addison found during her ultrasound meant there was a probability that she would lose the pregnancy. Addison was all for her move to Minnesota, had talked with her about it on multiple occasions in private. To hear her say it in OR, where everyone knew her opinion on the matter, well, it touched her.

"You've earned the right to spread your wings."

They're able to save Tovah's uterus, but there was no fetal heartbeat. Seeing Addison go from so overjoyed to completely defeated crushed her.

"Addison, I'm so sorry."

"Yeah, me too. Okay, let's prep for a D ."


They scrub out in silence. She was glad that Richard seemed to understand the need for the silence. She hated the way that Addison focused on nothing. She wanted to change that, but just when she started to open her mouth, to offer Addison a place to grieve after she updated Tovah, Catherine stormed into the room. Oh, what now?

"Meredith Grey."

She could tell by her tone that Catherine was looking for an argument, "Catherine, I can't do this right now."

"You would leave this place," Catherine hissed out.

"Catherine…" Addison began.

"Do not interrupt me!"

She fought to keep her voice respectful, "Please don't talk to her that way. You're not her boss, nor are you mine."

"Boss?" Catherine asked, incredulous.

"Excuse you?" Richard added.

She nearly rolled her eyes.

"This is about honor!" Catherine lashed out, "This is about the standing of this hospital!"

"Okay, can we not do this?" Addison's voice was nearly drowned out by Catherine's.

"The standing of this foundation!"

"Can we just stop?!" That shut Catherine up, and she watched as Addison unloaded all of her pain at the situation at both Catherine and Richard.

The moment Addison was done, she was out of the room. She barely offered Richard and Catherine a glance before she was following Addison.


As she waited outside of Tovah's room for Addison, a cup of juju beside her, she couldn't help but think of Bailey's speech when she saw her sitting beside Nick Marsh outside of their patient's room a week ago.

"You're still the little girl, following her handsome Attending all around the hospital, breaking all the rules, having sex in cars, no one and nobody else matters. It didn't matter that he's your boss, not that he's already married."

Why she'd thought she was dating Nick, she had no idea. They were friends, colleagues, but no, they weren't dating. Not for his lack of trying. But she was fine single. Why couldn't she choose Minnesota for her and her family? What was so wrong with that?

But she pushed her Minnesota thoughts aside as Addison came out of the room. The tears in her eyes alarmed her, and she was quick to move forward, gently guiding her away.

She handed the cup to Addison, who smiled slightly when she took it. Who would've thought that this would become their thing? A cup of juju no matter the situation.

They sat by the stairs, hidden away from everyone else. Addison took a sip and then looked over at her.

"You didn't get yourself one?"

"No, I…"

Addison passed her the cup, "You've had a shit day too. No one deserves to be bombarded like that."

She blushed slightly, taking a sip, "I haven't even said I was going. They just all assume that I will. And it's making me want to, you know?"

She passed the cup back, and Addison nodded, "Tovah can still get pregnant, but that was the last of her husband's sperm. She'll never have her husband's child."

"But she can still have a child, Addie. You gave her that."

Addison took another sip, passed her the cup, "Tell me about why Minnesota? Why this job offer?"

She shrugged, took a sip, "I feel like I have the right to leave. I've earned the right to leave. Other people from my residency class, they left and took other opportunities. I stayed. I worked. I researched. I won awards for this place."

"I know, Catherine Fox Award," Addison bumped her shoulder, "Try not to throw that back at her."

She leaned against the redhead, "I did everything that was expected of me, and then some. And now, if I want to leave, I'm considered disloyal? It's ridiculous. It's absurd."

"It is," Addison agreed.

"You know what else it is? It's my decision."

Addison smiled, "So, Dr. Grey, what's your decision?"


Deciding to stay had been her choice, yes, but with the residency program being shut down, Richard taking a sabbatical and Bailey quitting — with the words "You break it, you bought it," while placing the Chief of Surgery office keys into her hands — it didn't feel like much of a choice.

She'd managed to get Addison to come up for a couple of months to help relieve the workload, and she and Henry had moved back into the house with them. As she sat in her new office, she felt everything hit her at once. The residency program that she had been trying to keep afloat had crumbled, a woman that she'd tried to save had died, the interns had all left, her mentors had left her, and memory upon memory came in waves.

She was sitting, contemplating her entire career when Addison came in. If she had knocked, she hadn't heard it.

"Meredith, is there anything you need?"

"I think you should go back to LA."

"What?"

"You should go back to LA. That's where your life is."

"Meredith, hold on a second."

"Do you think that I unintentionally sabotaged the program?"

"No, Mer…"

"That I'm so unconscious that I have no idea what drives me?"

"I haven't said any of that, Meredith. Look at me."

But she couldn't, her thoughts spiraling. She didn't have to do the surgery. She should've waited. She should've…

"Or were you saying I don't know what I want? I don't know what I want to the degree that I risked a woman's life, that I ended it?"

"No," Addison repeated, "Meredith, you need to breathe. I haven't said any of that. That's just your head talking, alright? Your mind playing tricks."

"I made my decision, you know that. I wasn't going to leave."

"I know."

"I wasn't going to leave, but now if I even wanted to, how could I?"

"Meredith…"

"You really just should go. Just go. Just go back to LA. Henry and you deserve to be free of Seattle. Thank you for your help these last few months," She wiped at the stray tear as it fell down her face, "but I have a lot of work to do here."

"You don't have to be alone."

"No one is leaving and no one is dying."

She smiled bitterly, "Just go. Please. Just go."

"Everyone is leaving and everyone is dying."

She heard her leave and she closed her eyes as the next flashes of memories hit. But unlike the first, which consisted of her medical career, all she saw was Addison.

Everything that they'd gone through since they met, every single cup of juju. She called her after she and Alex had celebrated her Catherine Fox Award; she'd called her after Thatcher had died; she'd celebrated with her when they found out Amelia was pregnant with Scout; she'd conspired with her about Amelia and Kai. It didn't matter how they'd begun. She knew that. And she knew that she'd lost her.

She shot up from the seat, not sure how much time had passed.

"Addie!" She tore open the door, feeling tears spring to her eyes again. No, she couldn't just let her walk away, "Addis —"

She collided roughly with the redhead, who stood in the doorway, precariously balancing two cups of juju, one on top of the other with one hand, using her other to steady her.

"You're okay," Addison shushed her gently, "let me go set these down."

"You didn't leave me?"

Addison smiled patiently as she turned, "Meredith, I'd never leave you. Don't you know that by now?"

She approached her cautiously, afraid that she might disappear, "You mean that?"

"I just spent ten minutes finding juju for you, of course I —"

Whatever else Addison was going to say was cut off as she brought their lips together. It was chaste, like she was testing the waters. There was a beat, one dreaded moment of silence. She thought that maybe she had read everything wrong.

Addison let out a little hum before her lips slowly moved against hers. She felt herself break at that, her knees buckling under the weight of everything else.

Addison's arms were like an anchor, gently holding her as the redhead lowered them onto their knees. Addison moved one hand, gently wiping away the tears as they fell. She hummed at the action, slowly pulling from the kiss.

"Don't waste one single moment." Mark had said.

"That's a good girl," Addison hummed, and face-to-face with her, she couldn't hide her blush. Addison chuckled softly, "Always knew that made you blush. You want to sit down here for a bit longer?"

She nodded, "Yeah."

"Okay, one second," Addison stood and grabbed the juju before lowering herself back into a kneeling position beside her, handing her one. She took a sip of it, sighing softly, "Better?"

"Mhmm."

"How about we finish our juju, go home and hug our kids? We can think of a game plan in the morning. We can pick up take-out from that steakhouse you like, open a bottle of wine."

All of that sounded absolutely perfect, but she picked up on one very important detail, "Go home and hug our kids, hm?"

Addison whacked her arm, "Meredith, I've moved in with you twice. Ellis calls me Mama. Henry has called you Mommy on far too many occasions. And I think that Helm told me she approved of our relationship two months ago. So yes, our home and our kids. Our family."

She pressed a gentle kiss to Addison's lips, just because she could, "I love you, Addison."

Addison chuckled as she kissed her back, "I love you too, Meredith."