I want to say this one more time:
This fandom is utterly reprehensible in every conceivable way-it's full of snivelling little arrogant, unattractive, selfish, abusive cunts-and I'm still seriously contemplating on what to do in October.
But even beyond this fandom, I'm beginning to realise how little my resistance to my cacophobia matters to anyone. That's the main thing that I'm dealing with right now. People tell me to "get help"-but what help? Help for what, exactly?
This is utterly absurd-For the last 15+ I've been absolutely struggling with how I feel, and clinging so desperately onto finding empathy towards the idea that maybe I'm wrong, and maybe the "value" on the inside of people is of some maniacal importance to other people, and that hurting them is hurting others who, for some reason, like them. But I'm at my absolute limit.
That empathy is all but gone, and I'm now just clinging on by the pure fact that killing and hurting people is fucking illegal. I'm at the point where my actions and what I'm willing to do is incongruous with what I know I should do. It's gotten so bad, so penetrating in the last number of years, that no only have I developed severe insomnia, I also have lowered my social interaction to as much as possible.
"Go touch grass" people say-
Ha ha. Yeah, right.
You know why I fucking lock myself away from society? It's FOR SOCIETY'S BENEFIT, so I don't fucking hurt people.
And what do people tell me?
"Go outside loser". Go outside.
Fucking hysterical.
You know what? Maybe I should fucking "go outside". Maybe I'll try and live a quoute-unquote "normal life" for a week, interacting with people normally, and then we'll fucking see if you regret mocking me over this, you snivelling fucks. We'll see how long it is until I snap, and put a fucking knife through an ugly cunt's chest. How long it is until everything that is life-everything that is ugly sympathy and ugly acceptance-comes crashing into my soul as full speed, and I realise that the world IS as broken as I know it is, and that ugly looking fucks need to fucking die.
You people better HOPE that I stay locked away, suffering in misery, all alone, without a fucking outlet other than this, and don't "touch grass". Because the second I fucking stop, the second I DO "touch grass", you're all fucking dead.
Ugly people are fucking dead.
The persona fandom is fucking dead.
Ugly-sympathy is fucking dead.
I am sick and tired of a world where value isn't equated to appearance. I am sick of everything this world is. The moment I'm exposed to that world for more than few hours, I feel the desire for it to burn encroach on me. I'm only able to stay so sane and healthy by keeping myself locked away.
And you know why I do that?
Because somewhere inside of me, I want to give the world a chance. I want this world to be okay, to learn.
But no, this world is sick. It's sick and diseased. I'm not kidding myself by pretending-
You know, her voice has been especially strong the past few days-She keeps telling me to do it, that it's what they deserve. I want to listen to her, but I'm also terrified.
Of course I need to kill and hurt them though. That option is the only one that exists. Ugly looking people need to burn. And this fandom needs to burn.
IDK what I'm going to do, but every day is like the same thing; I tell myself "I don't know what I'm gonna do". I can only last so many days in that same cycle of "what do I do", though, I hope you all understand that.
All I'm saying is that nothing is off the table. I'm not threatening any act, or saying I'm gonna do anything. I'm just going to say that, if you've been following my activities for the past few years, it should be no surprise to you that I've been feeling more suffocated the longer this has gone on. While you've all been laughing at me, and mocking me, I've simply been here, knowing the inevitable is just around the corner.
I can't do this anymore, though.
I keep telling myself that as long as I shit out how I feel via the world of Persona, I'll be okay. But it's too much.
If people are so adamant about ripping my one outlet out from under me, than what do I have left?
Side note
I'm not gonna lie, I feel dejected with how little attention I get with my stories. By "attention" I don't mean "hate"; because I get a LOT of hate, and I've got so many guest reviews sitting in moderation that it's kinda insane. No, I mean "attention" as in people reading the stories, liking them, faving them, that sort of thing. And, also, on top of that, hopefully taking something from them, and actually having their minds opened to the possibility that ugly-looking people need to be hated.
I've always subscribed to the idea, though, that if YOU know you've written something good, that that should be enough. That said, it can't be said that I'm getting much out of uploading these other than some sense of gratification. I also feel a sense of urgency to upload at times. Like, I don't want this fandom to slip for far into it's own nonsense, and I feel like I need to upload to push against it. But that's something of an irrational thing on my part. It's not like 99.999% of the fandom is even ever going to know I exist in the first place, let alone view any of my stories.
Either way, as much as I'm doing it for myself as a form of outlet, it still doesn't feel very nice when I upload a story I've spent ages working on, only for it to just incur 5 "what the fuck" or "go get help" comments.
