It was almost 2pm when her phone lit up with the familiar name and face– Lanie had sent her a message over three hours ago saying that they were all headed home, so she had wondered if she would be hearing from him today.
"Beckett." She answered, trying her best to not allude to the fact that she had been waiting by her phone for most of the day.
"Hey. I – uh… I just wanted to let you know that I am home. Mother and Alexis won't be home until later this evening, so you're welcome to come over to talk, if you wanted to get that out of the way."
Out of the way? Was this simply a chore that he wanted to get over and done with? God, they were bad at this.
"Yeah, sure. If you want to do this now, I can head over." She feigned nonchalance, despite the fact that her stomach was doing somersaults.
"Okay… see you soon."
She disconnected the call, grabbing the pieces of paper she had poured her heart into and stuffing them into her jean pocket. She took a final, deep breath before grabbing her keys and heading out from the safety of her apartment.
Castle paced the loft, unsure of what else to do. She was on her way there, right now, and honestly, he wasn't even sure if he wanted to do this right now. He had tossed and turned all night, deciding that they should, in fact, have this conversation. She had said that she had 'so much' to say… and he also had things he wanted to get off of his chest – he wanted to tell her that he wasn't asking too much of her. He was unsure of where exactly this would leave them – but at least they wouldn't be in this limbo… this mind-numbing, relentlessly tedious state of nothing.
He heard a gentle knock on his front door – he could have imagined it… and if he hadn't been expecting her any moment now, he probably would have just ignored it. He walked over to the door, not daring to peep through the little hole. He opened it, wide, and came face-to-face with her. She smiled, but he could see that she was nervous. She had been fiddling with her keys – but stuffed them into her jacket pocket once he greeted her.
"Come on in." he stepped aside to allow her space to walk through the door. She stopped, just shy of reaching the living area and standing awkwardly, not exactly sure of how comfortable she should make herself. It wasn't unusual for her to be here anymore – in fact, she had spent quite a bit of time in this loft over the years… but she wanted to follow his lead this time. "Would you like a drink?" he offered, politely.
"Uh, no thank you." She answered. He entered the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. His throat was already dry from nerves – he imagined it would only get worse.
"You wanted to talk?" he encouraged her to start once he joined her, awkwardly standing in the 'in between' space of the foyer and living room. This would not do. He held his arm to the side, motioning for her to take a seat. Together, they sat on the leather lounge not too close, but not too far apart.
"Yeah… uh. I guess I just really didn't want to leave things how we did, you know?" she tried to gauge his expression, but his face remained stoic. She took a breath, then reached for her pocket, fumbling with the now crumpled pieces of paper. "I hope you don't mind… but I wrote some things down – help me stay on track and all that." She explained, a little embarrassed that she had to have notes to keep her focused.
Castle let slip a small chuckle, "I'm quite fond of the written word, you know."
His attempt to lighten the mood didn't go unnoticed, and she had appreciated it wholeheartedly. She smiled, but only for a short moment – for she knew that once she began to read from her letter, she would hurt him all over again.
"Castle," she started, needing to push through this. "When you first started shadowing me, I had wondered – quite often – what I had done to deserve this unorthodox punishment. I fought against our partnership, harder than I had ever fought against anything and to this day, it has seemingly set the pace for the entirety of our relationship. From day one, I have had one foot out the door… just 'because'."
Her hands were shaking, voice breaking occasionally – but she continued to push through. She could feel his eyes on her, listening carefully to each and every word she said aloud.
"I have unknowingly convinced myself that I needed to protect myself from you. And as we've grown closer, that fear of hurting has only grown stronger. The fear is mostly selfish – fear of allowing myself to need you, rely on you… fear of you deciding you want out and leaving me alone, having to pick up the pieces. But over the past several months, a new, more intense fear has crept in… the fear of me and my chaotic, broken self allowing my damage to seep through and ruin you, too."
Her eyes were filling with tears, making it hard to read the words she had poured so much time into. Castle reached out, placing his hand on her knee for support. And so, she continued.
"I can't go any further without first telling you the truth. I have lied, on more than one occasion."
She could feel him tense up as the words came out of her mouth. She could feel her heart, beating in her throat. She swallowed it down, reminding herself of the techniques her and Doctor Burke had worked on over the last several months.
He studied her face – her eyes filled with tears, threatening to fall any second now. He watched as she awkwardly swallowed the lump in her throat. She lied. Her words repeated in his mind.
"I told you that I couldn't remember the shooting – that I didn't remember you trying to save me. But I remember it all." She paused, taking a moment to take in his response to her words. Looking into his eyes, she could see a million questions crossing his mind. "I thought that if I could buy some time to process, I could accept everything from that day… but days turned to weeks, and weeks into months. Every time I tried to think about that day, tried to process everything, I would end up feeling like I was right back there, lying on the ground with that bullet in my chest… I couldn't separate the events of that day from what you had told me and so I ended up just burying it all. I had convinced myself that once I could separate the two… once I had healed enough… I would be able to tell you everything and we could move forward together. I had really hoped that one day I would be whole enough to accept your love… and to be able to fearlessly love you too."
His mind raced – so many questions, yet none formed coherently enough to actually get out. She had managed to explain everything so clearly… if only she could have talked like this every other time.
She fumbled with the paper in her hand for moment, awkwardly flipping the page over to read from the back sheet.
"On Friday, I thought I was brave enough to start this conversation. The afternoon with you had been exactly what I needed after the stressful week – and it reminded me how well you knew me and understood my needs. Watching the sunset with you had been so… easy. And I started to think of how that didn't have to end. I couldn't sleep – and when I saw that you were also awake, I just wanted to be near you. I didn't think it through, and I should have… but not so that I could have talked myself out of it – I don't regret anything that happened that night and I will forever be sorry that I have tainted those memories – but I panicked. I never wanted anything to happen before you knew the truth – before you had a chance to know all the facts and decide if you could forgive me for my lies. I panicked, not because I don't love you, but because I felt like I had deceived you into this. When I said that it shouldn't have happened… this is what I meant. I am sorry."
She folded the paper and placed it back into the pocket of her jeans. She sighed, relieved that everything was finally put out there – that she no longer had to hold onto the secret that had been tearing her up inside. She allowed Castle as much silence as he needed to process – she even refrained from trying to study his every facial expression.
"Have you ever considered becoming a speech writer?" he joked when he was ready to break the silence.
"I think I'll leave the writing to you, from now on." She chuckled.
Silence filled the room again – but it wasn't awkward or unnerving at all. They both had a lot to process… and Beckett certainly appreciated the time to relax her body of all the stress she had held in while reading her letter aloud to Castle.
"Full transparency, huh?" once again, Castle was the one to break the silence.
"Yeah… it's this new thing I'm trying. I'm hoping it helps me get my shit together."
He nodded his understanding. She still had a long way to go – but she was open to the concept of not going it alone. She was beginning to understand that she didn't need to be 'whole' before letting Castle in. Because he could see her – all of the broken pieces that she was – and he loved each one.
This conversation – although, admittedly, one sided – had definitely turned out better than either of them had expected. Had everything been fixed? No. Was there reason to believe it could be fixed? He certainly thought so.
And perhaps this was his stupid little optimistic heart, setting itself up for heartbreak again… but he couldn't ignore the words that came out of her mouth – the words that she had obviously thought tirelessly about and deliberately left in her letter… not a confession of love – but something close enough to that he decided the risk was worth it…
"It's all I ever needed, Kate. Just to know I wasn't wasting my time." His voice was more serious now…
She took his hand – that was still placed on her knee – and intertwined their fingers. The simple, intimate act telling him that she had hope for them, too.
"I know I have to make changes… and I am still worried that I won't be able to make these changes fast enough… but I promise you that I'm not trying to waste your time. You make me want to be better, Castle. Better… for you."
She did have one lingering question… Do you still love me?
But for now, that could wait.
