So, here's the thing. You have two lives. You have your past life in Lima, Ohio, full of high school drama, full of family drama, with a grandmother that stopped talking to you when you were fifteen and told her you were into girls, with your parents who tragically died when you were twenty-five; and that was your breaking point. You didn't like that life, not one bit. You have worked your ass off to get over all that shit. And you have your present life, with your extremely successful career, with your extremely successful music band, with your wife and your awesome friends. You love this life, this is all you ever wanted.

The only connections between your past life and your present life are Quinn Fabray, your childhood best friend, and Dani, your wife, who was part of the transition from the person you were back then and the person you are now. But even with her, you have made the agreement of never addressing your past unless it's a life or death situation. And that is yet to happen.

Well. And you guess now Brittany is a connection too.

Your friends know nothing about your past, other than your parents died and you are originally from Ohio. You've always been very vague about your past, and they have always been very respectful. You are so thankful for having friends like them, it's unbelievable.

"No. I would recall that name." Kurt says arching an eyebrow. You already knew you had never told him about Britt. "Santana, are you having an affair?" He asks and you let out a throaty laugh, that dies in your lips the moment you realise he is being completely serious.

"What? No. No I'm not." You assure him with a huff. But you understand where he is coming from. When you moved to New York you had the reputation of a whore. A reputation you never refuted. You had your fair share of women when you were single after all, and you had always been flirty and confident, but you are not a cheater. You never were. You could never do that to Dani...right?

Anyway. Also the fact of mentioning a woman in your life he's never heard from before, and the fact that you are like the gayest person you've ever met. Even more than Kurt, which is saying something. Yeah, you understand his concern.

"Brittany Pierce is my first love." You deadpan, gulping audibly. You are having second thoughts about talking to him about her, but you really need to take some weight off your chest. "I thought she was my soulmate. And I left her behind when I left Lima." You tell him, looking down to your lap with a sad sigh. "Turns out she is back in my life because of a twisted turn of events. She is at the hospital fighting for her life..."

"And you know this how?" He asks. He is not judging you and you are thankful, he really is a great friend.

"Apparently she still has me listed as her emergency contact, so the hospital called me."

"Wow. Okay." He says and he takes a moment to look at you. You know you look like shit and you know he is trying to read you, but you have always been a very closed off person. "I really don't know what to say."

"Yeah...you don't need to say anything. I just needed to tell someone." You tell him, but deep inside you were really hoping for some advice.

"Oh, babe..." He must sense your inner turmoil, because he gets up from his chair and walks to you, wrapping his arms around you and guiding your head to the crook of his neck, where you can rest your forehead. That's something your Abuela used to do when you were young and upset, to calm you down. You can't help the sob that escapes your lungs. "Shh, you are okay. It's gonna be okay. Everything will be okay..." He coos, and your own arms find their way around him as you hold on to him for dear life.

After what feels like hours, you have calmed down, Kurt has made you some tea and you are back to sitting as you were at the beginning of this conversation: one across the other, with your desk in between the two of you.

"Kurt, is it bad that I don't want her to die?" You ask to fill the silence that has settled between you.

"What? No. It would be if you wanted her dead, though. You are not a bad person." He answers, a tad confused about your sudden outburst.

"No, that's not what I meant." You answer, and he rises a brow, waiting for you to elaborate. So you do. "I mean...I really need her to live, because I don't know what I would do without her. Is that bad? Is that selfish?" You look at your best friend waiting for his answer. Even if you already know the answer is a big, fat, yes.

"Honestly? It does sound a little selfish..." He answers, tilting his head to the side the way he always does when he is thinking hard about something. "Are you still in love with her?".

That question throws you out of your game.

"No." You reply a little too quickly. Actually, you haven't thought about your feelings. You can't be in love with her, right? It's been a decade. You are in love with Dani. You have your life pretty much sorted out and your future with your wife is brilliant, ten years later you are still going on strong. There is no way you still have feelings for Brittany.

But on the other hand...

"Well..." You sigh. "I guess all that 'you never forget your first love' crap is somewhat true. A tiny part of my heart will always belong to her, but no, I am not in love with her anymore."

This time you sound a little surer, but it still looks like you are trying to convince yourself more than you are tying to convince Kurt.

"I think you need to revisit that thought..." He tells you knowingly, and you can see the smirk that is trying to make it's way to his lips. Maybe after all this years, Kurt knows you a little too well.

"Santana, the way I see it is pretty easy. Maybe she doesn't have an ulterior motive to come back to your life. For all we know, she probably listed you as her emergency contact fifteen years ago and simply forgot to change it. It doesn't need to mean anything that she is here. Everything can be just a coincidence." He says, and you nod slightly. He might have a point after all. Forgetting about important stuff is actually the definition of Brittany's persona, or it was, when she was a teenager. You guess that if you have changed so much over the years, she might have too. Your head is starting to hurt from thinking so much. "There's nothing else you can do for now that wait for her to be okay enough to tell you her story. But..." He trails off. Of course there's a but. "You really need to get that beautiful head of yours out of your ass and really think about what all this is making you feel. Go see Will if you are not able to sort it out for yourself. I know this is sudden, and unexpected, and strange, and everything you want, but you need to take care of yourself first, and that means making clear what your feelings about the situation are. And also what your feelings for this Brittany chick are. I'm no shrink, but for the look on your face, I can tell that is what's bugging you the most."

Yep. Definitely Kurt Hummel knows you way too much.

"I don't have feelings for her." You grumble.

"Whatever floats your boat, sugar." He sing-songs as he gets up from his chair. "Just know that I'm always on your side. I will always be here for you, and I will always support you." He adds, and you smile softly at him as he plants a sweet kiss on your forehead.

"Thank you." You whisper and you are not even sure if he hears you.

Once he's gone, you literally shake yourself out of your reverie (you look like a wet dog shaking the water off of itself) and you get on business mode. The rest of the day flies by as you burden yourself in work, and when you get home you are so dead you don't even make it to your bedroom. You pass out on your sofa.

You miss the fact that Dani is home tonight. You miss the way she tucks you in lovingly because she doesn't have the strength to carry you back to the bedroom, or the heart to wake you up when you look so spent.

You also miss three calls from Holly Holiday.