4
DARKNESS. The rasping of his breathing sounded strained and rattling at first. Images and flashes of things that had come before. Snape becoming suspicious of him throughout the school year and repeatedly attempting to corner him in the hopes of learning his secret, the face of the withered ancient old hag who had led him through the Black Forest, to the Dark Lord, and his Kya, sweet, lovely Kya, his only friend in his lonesome existence, his light in the tunnels, the feeling of her hands covering his.
It was the thought of his friend's face that brought Quirinus to full wakefulness. The bed he lay on was soft, a luxury compared to the hard stone floor upon which he'd lain and thought he was going to die.
Quirinus blinked slowly until he thought he could make out vague shapes in the blindingly bright Hospital Wing that held some familiarity to him.
Still far too weak to move a muscle, his eyes made a quick scan of the room and lingered upon the chair at his bedside, and suddenly, he felt as though his heart were in his throat and his tongue felt thick in his mouth. Kya was here.
She had not been a figment of his imagination.
As Quirinus's eyes adjusted to the nearly blinding brightness of the room, his eyes never once left the witch's angelic face.
He watched warily out of the corner of his eye for any sign of movement, but then it became evident that she'd fallen asleep. Her hands rested limply in her lap, and her head was slumped forward, a few locks of her hair covering her face. He swallowed, not sure if he could stomach to face her again.
Not after the last time. Now would be a good time to leave.
He attempted to get up off the bed, though he discovered much to his dismay, that he was still entirely too weak to move, and just sitting up straighter against the piles of pillows that someone—likely Kya—had propped behind his bed's headboard—was a chore.
Even the effort of lifting his head off the pillow elicited an involuntary and pained groan from his lips.
Unfortunately, the sound did not go unnoticed. His stomach churned in apprehension as he watched his beloved friend stir in her sleep, and then she slowly raised her head and pushed her hair out of her face and pulled it up into a messy bun. His mind swam with the foggy memory of their argument.
He remembered seeing the pain and fear in the witch's beautiful face when he had so coldly left her alone on her front steps that night, without bothering to look back.
And Kya had been there by his side, just last night when he'd woken in confusion to find Madame Pomfrey hovering over him, his nose inches from hers. She had seen him.
She'd spoken to him. He had been so certain that Kya was an apparition, Death itself if the shrouded figure from the stories could assume various forms, come to take him with her, to his heaven.
But then he realized that he was still alive. He had been alive, and she was here now, by his side, when she should not be here. He could not understand what all of it meant, to see Kya now, slowly waking up, her face pale and groggy from being roused from sleep, and he immediately felt a wave of guilt for having woke her. He could not find the words to speak.
He could only stare at Kya Ericksen, his confused and hurt expression asking the witch a million questions he could not answer. He stiffened as Kya smiled in wonder at him as her eyes swiveled around the room in confusion for a moment before they came to rest on his hurt face.
"Thank Merlin, Quirinus, you're awake," she whispered in a breathless voice, as though she could not quite believe it.
She scooted her chair forward and reached to take his bandaged hand in hers. Quirinus's fixed and emotionless expression as he studied his old friend frightened Kya, but she nervously continued, grateful and relieved that her friend was now awake and alert.
"We've been waiting for you," she said shyly, flicking her attention towards Toma, his old Moke, that had been fast asleep in her lap he'd not noticed until now. As she gingerly moved to set the lizard into his lap, hoping the animal would provide some small measure of comfort and familiarity to him, her heart sank as Quirinus stiffened and simply watched Kya, though his hand instinctively moved to rest on top of Toma's head as he gave the large lizard and affectionate pat. But never once did he take his eyes off of Kya. Quirinus's heart thumped beneath his ribs, physically hurting him.
His head felt like it was swimming as he fought to try to ground himself in reality and felt like he was failing. He tried to speak to his old friend, but he could not catch his breath long enough to utter a single word. He just sat there, propped up on the mattress using his elbows, and was not making the progress for which he had hoped as he tried to sit up straighter, staring at the phantom in front of his bedside as he waited for Kya to say something. But she silently fluffed his pillows and helped him readjust his pillows and did not say a single word until she sat back down.
"I'm glad that you're going to be alright. Toma and I, we've been waiting for you to wake up. You've been asleep for almost two full days. I'm going to look after you, the Headmaster has asked that I take care of you while you heal. I've agreed. The... Wizengamot will need our memories for a competency trial. But I don't want you to worry about that yet, Quirinus. We're going home soon. I promise," she whispered, her first words to him.
Her statement was enough to cause his own eyes to nearly fill with wretched tears, though he refused to let them fall. Still, a less-than-dignified whimper threatened to escape from his lips.
He was overcome with so many emotions that she was here by his side, as though he had never left, that his entire body felt numb, though he supposed that could still be the lingering effects of whatever Calming Draught Kya must have given him while he slept to ensure that he felt minimal pain from his burns. Relief, joy, anger, fear, regret, heartbreak. He felt all of it.
For a moment, Quirinus was silent. Quirinus barely heard a word Kya said. He was so overcome that his frazzled mind could scarcely comprehend half of what the witch was saying to him.
"What…what are you doing here, Kya?" The words were ripped from his lips without him even realizing it. "You're…you cannot be here," he snapped with a bark in his hoarse voice that was in dire need of water, causing Kya to look up, surprise and anger were plastered all over her face.
She looked at him wearily, as though Quirinus had lost his mind, and perhaps he had, but she did not outright dismiss his words, and he felt some hope.
"I'm here, Quirinus, always. I'm right here where I'm sitting. I'm not anywhere else," she told him, trying to smile, but he thought it was rather strained.
"I'm alive," Quirinus spat bitterly to Kya, as his mind struggled to understand why she had not come when he had pleaded to, he had sent her the two letters, and more importantly, why she had come back, why she was here by his side when he didn't deserve a celestial-like creature such as this witch by his side. He did not deserve to be in the same room as Kya, let alone dare to think that she might forgive him.
"You are," Kya whispered, her face painted with shame. She winced as he let the pads of his fingertips ghost along the right side of his face, and she heard the sharp intake of breath that he gave out. Quirinus stiffened as she sat up a little straighter in her chair, her left hand, her wand dominant, hovering near the handle of her wand that she kept tucked in her belt.
He felt tense, but she kept a respectful distance as she squinted at the scar on the right side of his face. It made Quirinus feel uncomfortably aware of the mark, the one he had not bothered to look at yet.
Something about finally seeing the damage done with his own eyes would make his past mistakes, of which there were many, entirely too real and he was not certain he was ready to face the truth yet. By ignoring what had happened, he could try to pretend the marks that covered the right side of his body did not exist. That was until his best friend started looking at them too closely. He was about to open his mouth and ask her what was wrong, when she sat back in her chair and nodded approvingly, seemingly looking pleased, though her lips twitched back a little smile.
"They're healing, Quirinus," she quietly encouraged. "It was a good idea of your Headmaster to allow us to stay here for a few more days," she said softly, flicking her gaze to her hands resting in her lap.
Another sob was fought back with all the strength he had as his friend continued to speak to him. "I…I'm sure that I look…" he gasped, trailing off.
"Don't say it, Quirinus," Kya pleaded, though the breath the witch let out fell just short of a fierce snarl.
When he breathed in, it felt as though his throat were on fire and could close up at any point, and his exhale had a stifled wail laced in it.
"My face…it's ruined," he whispered, phrasing his words matter-of-factly rather than an inquiry as he desperately lifted his gaze and searched Kya's paling face for the truth.
"No, Quirinus, it isn't. The boy, Harry, he did not…." She cut herself off and took a slow breath to calm the furious anger that was building behind her words. She looked away from him, noticing how the man dug his teeth into his bottom lip and sharply turned his head to the left, so the damaged side of his face was not showing. She was honestly amazed that the wizard was not more injured than he was. He was incredibly lucky to be alive and wondered what had saved his life, why it was that the left side of his body was spared.
Questions arose in her mind, questions she wanted answers to, and she was sure Quirinus did too, though she forced herself to shove them to the recesses of her mind and try to find the answers later. Right now, he needed her to be strong. She watched as the wizard's jaw twitched and he winced at the way that it made his damaged nerve muscles pull.
With a heavy breath, Kya nodded her understanding.
"You'll have to look at it every day and it scares you," she whispered, itching to reach for the man's hand, to hold it, but she managed to refrain herself, not sure if in his agitated state, he'd allow that.
He leaned forward as much as he could and buried his ruined face with his face, letting out a whine. At an utter loss, Kya could only sit in her chair, feeling utterly helpless and for the moment, like an unwanted presence in the man's vulnerable moment.
Quirinus swallowed thickly, fighting against the warm liquid now brimming in his eyes. His throat vented a sob that he wanted to swallow back but couldn't.
"The boy ruined my face, Kya, this…this is permanent," he growled in a trembling voice, his shaking fingers curling into fists around the blankets that were draped over his body, clutching fistfuls of them to fight off the waves of agony that ran through his entire body, but more so the right side of his face.
The anger that flooded through his veins at Potter was like an electrical current. His face was permanently marred, he could tell by the look in Kya's eyes that he was now a monster, unworthy even more still to be in the same room as her. It was a brand new injury in addition to his failures throughout his life. A brand new humiliation. His hands began to tremble with rage.
There was a part of him that wished he were cleverer, more skilled, that he would have been enough to subdue the Dark Lord, to resist his commands and demand the wizard find a new host.
But his anger towards Potter began to take hold, a hot fiery rage burning his insides hotter than dragon fire. He wanted to kill the boy for ruining his face. Again, and again and again. He wanted to bash the boy's skull to the floor, to hear Potter's bones crack, to watch the stone floor turn dark red with his blood. He wanted to see the boy's brain matter paint the ground. He wanted—
"Quirinus?" came Kya's sweet soft voice, the sound of his name causing a strange seeping pressure within his chest and his heart to give a painful flutter as the witch's soothing tone pulled him out of his uncharacteristically violent thoughts. He blinked owlishly at the witch for a moment before coming back to himself. He recovered quickly, hoping not to seem a simple-minded fool in front of the beautiful Healer.
Though every muscle in his body was tense as she was looking at him now with worry and concern.
"Please look at me," she pleaded, but he would not. How could he, after everything that he had done?
He ground his teeth at the look in the witch's blue eyes as he lifted his pained face to the ceiling of the Hospital Wing, searching the ceiling for relief through the ceiling. She was scared. Her voice was shaking. He kept his shoulders hunched as a bead of sweat rolled down the back of his neck. His head felt prickly and itchy as he could already tell that his hair was starting to grow back. He wondered if Kya had something to do with that.
His voice was steadily becoming a ragged groan against the pain, though even the noise that escaped his barely cracked lips sent shards of agony through him.
Before Quirinus could register what was happening, Kya was by his side, resting a gentle and soft hand underneath his chin, cupping it firmly and tilting his head upwards and to the side slightly, leaving him with no other choice but to look at her. Furrowing his brows, he complied with a frown.
"Nobody," Kya said seriously. "Nobody could ever ruin your face. You are still handsome to me."
Time seemed to come to a grinding halt and Quirinus felt his heart skip another beat. His friend's words washed over him, filling every single space of doubt his new permanent cursed marks had created. It wasn't that she had just told him he was handsome, something he had never fully believed.
He was a far sight plainer than most of the wizards their age in their wizarding village of Doveport, and he had half expected to learn of the news one day that Kya had married some handsome wizard here in London and had settled down with a family of her own, or had met someone back in her native homeland of Denmark. As his gaze flicked towards her left ring finger and saw it barren, he inexplicably felt a strange warmth in his chest. He was skeptical of it at first but came to understand that what he felt now was a good thing. Something that he wanted to experience again. Though it had been a year, going on almost two, since he had seen his beloved friend, the time apart had felt like an eternity.
A smile tugged at his lips, though it hurt, and he felt the fresh sting of hot wretched tears in his eyes at the relief it gave him to see Kya here now by his side.
"I thought…" he trailed off as he felt his breaths hitch in the back of his throat.
Clarity hit him them, squarely in the heart, as though Kya herself had raised her wand against him and had hit him in the chest as if by Knockback Jinx.
He had missed her, he had missed her so very much. He would not be alive without her. His eyes widened and his stomach swooped and churned as he came to understand what this all meant. Potter's hands when the boy had touched him had covered only the right side of his face and body.
He did not remember screaming, but he remembered the pain as every nerve in his body was on fire, though his thoughts were only of Kya, and the kiss on the cheek that she had given him once, his left. A horrible wave of debilitating cold washed over him in waves and his stomach rolled.
It felt as though he were going to be sick. It had been thoughts of Kya that had saved his life.
Love, he thought he heard Dumbledore mention once during a moment of semi-lucidity when he had woken up once in the Hospital Wing.
He was beginning to remember, he could recall Dumbledore's voice sounding faint and muffled as the Hogwarts Headmaster was asking if he could hear him and if he had any family that Minerva should contact. He had mentioned Kya's name, and it was then that the imagined scenarios of what the witch would say to him, what she would think of him, ran through his mind before he had lost consciousness again and had slipped into a dreamless and surprisingly peaceful sleep.
He grimaced to think what Kya thought of him now...and what she would say if she could see him as he had been in the underground chamber below, threatening the Potter boy at the demands of his master.
Surely, the Healer would think him a disgusting wretch for daring to reveal his vision in the Mirror of Erised. How he crept down to the chambers every single night, just to look in her sweet eyes, and wistfully stare at the plain silver wedding band on her finger that she wore, a thick band, and proud of the delicate little piece of jewelry. In the Mirror of Erised, Kya's smile had laced over her face with such a sweetness, such tenderness, that it had almost made Quirinus forget what a failure he was, the monster that he had allowed himself to become since that night he had fled from her in a rage following their row. He was sure that no other witch in the world held such a sweet and bright white smile.
After a long moment, he managed to compose himself and awkwardly cleared his throat.
"I—I'm so sorry, Kya, I…I never meant for any of this to happen, I…I didn't mean to hurt you," he managed to croak out, wincing at the reedy rasp that left his throat. His voice sounded waxy almost, and it was a chore just to force out the words as he apologized as he squeezed his eyes tightly shut.
He did not think he could bear to look the witch in her eyes and see the hurt within her blue eyes that had held him captive from the first moment he met her in her father's magical flower shop. He heard her sharp intake of breath and a little noise that sounded like a strangled sob.
Stop it, he thought wildly and irrationally, biting down hard on his lower lip. Stop it right now, Kya. You're going to break my heart….
"Don't be," Kya answered forcefully, surprising Quirinus at hearing the annoyance and anger in the witch's voice.
It was enough to cause him to open his eyes and look at her in alarm.
"I'm past it, and you should be too, my friend," she said in a clipped tone that suggested to Quirinus that the witch was most certainly not past it.
Far from it, as it so happened, if the way her lips pursed into a thin line and her expression hardened, and her jaw was cut like steel were any indication.
He could hear the way her voice warbled, and her tone lacked the conviction to sell the argument that she wanted to present to him now. She leaned forward in her chair, in her severe intensity of feeling, and fixed him with a pointed stare that almost made Quirinus wilt.
"I—I don't know what you've been through in the past year, Quirinus, I—I'm sure only Merlin knows that—but I swear to you, on my parents' graves and yours, all of that is going to be behind you now. No one is going to hurt you. I promise. I would make the Unbreakable Vow to protect you if that's what you asked of me, my friend." In a bold move that surprised both of them, she covered his bandaged and bruised hand with her small hand, the appendage delicate and fragile, and beautifully manicured. "I am going to look after you. Don't despair," she murmured, her voice hinting at a much deeper reason.
He licked his lips, squinting his eyes at her as if he thought that would help him read her expression.
"If you say so," Quirinus heard himself answer in a flat voice that sounded cold and hard, reminiscent of his master. Quirinus tried to ignore Kya's widened gaze, how her mouth went slightly slack as she stared at him, and he was sure he saw the beautiful witch flinch away in pure surprise.
"Why did you do it?" Kya's voice was no more than a whisper, but it cut him worse than any Severing Charm could, or a paper cut across a finger, the damage done to him so quickly that the pain her cold tone inflicted on his already broken heart did not register until it was already too late.
"Do what?" Quirinus asked slowly, the question sounding stupid even before it had fully left his mouth, though he realized soon enough what Kya was speaking of. When she did not reply, the former Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor forced himself to look at his friend.
Any nervousness within himself quickly disappeared as something else replaced it. Kya was not upset with him. "Does it need saying, Quirinus?" Kya asked, her voice sounding strangely hollow and flat, devoid of feeling as she narrowed her eyes and hardened her gaze, glaring at him.
The withering look of irritation caused him to shrink back against his pillows behind him and made him feel about as tall as a Wrackspurt. He grimaced. He had not intended to cause her distress. Her eyes were fully focused on him now as she sat by his side, large and unblinking.
Quirinus immediately felt his face fall and the hope that had swelled within his chest deflated like a balloon. She was upset with him, yes, but Kya was something else, too.
The sweet and kind woman he thought he could not live without was now staring at him in a way that he had never seen before throughout the years of their friendship.
She was angry.
He swallowed a lump in his throat and suddenly, his tongue felt like clay in his mouth.
"Kya, I—" he started to say, but she held up a hand to cut him up and leaned forward to scoop Toma up in her arms and set the fully grown adult Moke down on the floor, content to let the lizard explore the Hospital Wing for the moment. She wanted the man to have no distractions at all.
"You've been alive this whole time and you didn't say anything? You could have sent me a word in a letter, an owl post, or—or a Patronus, or something," she choked out, her voice reverberating across the empty room of the Hospital Wing, save for the two of them and Toma, her tone rising.
Out of all of the things Quirinus had been expecting when he had regained consciousness, for Kya to be by his side, and furious with him, this was not it. His mind went blank for a moment. He was unable to process what was happening.
He could understand perhaps that she would be upset, cold perhaps, annoyed that he had left her that night, but not angry. Her feeling angry at what had happened would suggest that she cared, perhaps beyond the bounds of their friendship, but he could not let himself contemplate it.
Quirinus numbly shook his head. "I—I thought it was better if you didn't hear from me. I thought…it would be easier for you to move on, I-if something happened to me, K-Kya," he stammered, grinding his teeth together and inwardly cursing himself. His voice once more held a slight stutter to it, likely from his growing nervousness, but it had been many years since he'd fumbled his friend's name.
And now, he was going off script. He had thought he had all that he wanted to say planned out in his mind if he were to see his beloved friend again, and he knew that his words would only make the tension between them worse, but the words were ripped from his lips, not of his own accord. "I-I d-didn't think you would e-ever want to…to see me again, Kya," Quirinus confessed, his voice hollow and flat. "Y-you deserve better, a-and I thought i-it would be easier to get over the pain of having a failure like me for a friend if I just never came back," he confessed to Kya, shamefaced.
"Easier?" Kya gaped at Quirinus in disbelief, feeling her hands curling into fists in her lap as her nails dug into the palms of her hands. The pain felt good. It grounded her and kept her from bursting into tears. She fought against the urge to draw her wand and jinx him where he sat. How many sleepless nights had she spent mourning the loss of her friend? How much time had she lost grieving for him, for the friendship that she thought she would never get back. And for what? She did not understand why he'd stayed away. "How…how could thinking that you and I were never to see each other again make things easier for me, Quirinus? After everything that you and I have been through together, everything that you've shared with me, I—I don't…I never…" She trailed off and her cheeks flushed warmly of the few precious evenings she had spent in the man's company, always working up the nerve and courage to do the one thing she wanted the most in the world, to kiss him, but she had never been able to bring herself to do it, already knowing how the wizard would be apt to react.
She was not even sure if Quirinus felt the same in return. Her heart belonged to someone the wizarding world would now never love.
Any of his past achievements in academia would be marred, forever tainted by the fact that he had allowed himself to become seduced by the Dark Arts, by Lord Voldemort himself, and be buried underneath the slander. She swallowed hard and it felt like she was swallowing knives.
"At least pay me the courtesy of being honest! Please, Quirinus, for now, that's all I ask of you," she pleaded, though she shivered as a chill went down her spine at hearing how her voice was turning low and dangerous.
As Quirinus looked across at her, he saw the pain in her eyes, pain that he had placed there, and could not forgive himself for. As always, in the end, he was only capable of hurting the people around him, those closest to him, he knew, and if it was possible, he hated himself even more for that little fact.
"Kya, please," he pleaded, his shaking voice sounding truly pitiful, but he no longer cared how he sounded to her. "Y-you saw right through me. Right from the beginning, j-just as you do now. I want to be better. Yes, I care for you, Kya, Merlin, but how you have tormented me right from the start. I am not a fool. I know that a witch like you does not deserve the hurt and pain that I've now brought upon your life. I-I know that I h-hurt you, wh-when I left. I-I'm willing to give the rest of my life to you. You can hit me, scream at me, y-yell at me if you want. Whatever you would like, Kya. Y-you can spend the rest of my days making my life a misery, and I would be grateful for the privilege. I-I deserve it. I-I'm sorry, Kya, for everything that I've done. And I just want to do whatever I can to make amends for how badly I hurt you, though this is one debt that I will never be able to pay."
Kya glared at Quirinus, her blue eyes flashing indignantly, reminding him of lightning bolts, and burning into the wizard with obvious fury. She did not want to help her friend atone for his mistakes. A part of her did not want to give him the forgiveness that he was seeking from her, to make him feel better about all the horrible things he had done, even though he had been under the Dark Lord's control at the time.
It was bad enough that he had abandoned her to go traipsing the European countryside in search of whatever was left of Lord Voldemort, but to spend the last agonizing year of his life without sending word to her, and that there was the little matter of the Dark Lord possessing his body and controlling his every thought and action, was somehow a great deal worse. She felt violated. If he had only told her the truth she could have helped him and spared herself months of crying over what she thought to be the loss of their friendship. But instead, she had cried an ocean of tears while he had been holed up in Hogwarts, pretending that by distancing himself from her that he was doing her some altruistic favor that forgave his sins.
Quirinus sank back against his pillows, lowering his head as he closed his eyes tiredly and ran a hand down the ruined side of his face, finally accepting the fact that he had reached his limit.
"Why did you leave me," Kya asked quietly in a hollow voice without feeling, but the words she uttered were like an Exploding Charm, each one exploding and shattering his heart. His ultimate nightmare, what he had dreaded from the start, was the conversation that he knew he would have with the witch if the day ever came when he was reunited with his best friend, his world.
There was it was, the one thing he had foolishly believed he thought the two of them could avoid addressing.
"Because I did not deserve you as a friend," he heard himself saying in a voice just as emotionless as Kya's, and suddenly he couldn't look her in the eye. He turned his head to the left, not wishing for the beautiful witch to look upon the burn mark on the right side of his face that would serve as a permanent reminder of all his past transgressions. "Because I thought that you…that we…if you were to stay with me, you would be laughed at." He closed his eyes. "I—I couldn't drag you down with me if my attempts proved unsuccessful. I wouldn't, it was just…I—I was a coward, a fool, Kya, and well, I suppose I've proved what everyone thought of me all alone, didn't I? I wish that I had not survived, Kya, that I would have died in that chamber beneath us. The whole of Britain would be better off for it." His expression hardened and he opened his eyes and fixed Kya with a pointed stare that the witch was not sure what to make of at first. "You have proved how stupid anyone is to think kindly of me."
Oh, he knew exactly the words that would hurt her the most. However, his words only served to anger Kya further.
Yet, she sat up straighter in her chair and jutted her chin out slightly defiantly, furiously blinking back her tears and refusing to let them fall, refusing to let Quirinus see just how much he had wounded her just now with his words, spoken so coldly, flat, and distant.
"You truly hold such a low opinion of yourself, Quirinus?" she whispered, her eyes glassy and frightened, fresh tears welling in her eyes as she shook her head to send his words away. "Don't say that," she pleaded, her voice breaking as she spoke to the man.
"Why not, Kya? It is the truth." The words were pouring out of his mouth as though he had swallowed a good amount of Veritaserum, spilling from his lips before he could silence them. "I'm not strong, Kya. I never was. You remember. I-I was always afraid, I—I always have been. I gambled everything I had to make a better life for myself, to ensure that no witch or wizard would laugh at me again, would torment me for my nerves, and in the end, I lost. And what do I have now?" he was almost shouting at her as he pulled his hand out of her grasp and pointed to the ruined side of his face with a violently trembling finger. "A woman that I care for, who could never care for me in return, and who turned on me by not answering my plea for help before I ever had the chance to make up for my past mistakes," he snarled, feeling a surge of anger and uncharacteristic violence come over him.
It hurt him to breathe, to speak, to be sitting here in a bed in the Hospital Wing alive with half of his face and all of his chest and torso ruined, crumbling to pieces in front of his best friend, his only friend.
Kya Ericksen deserved someone stronger than him, she always had.
He had never been worthy of her. Quirinus knew that he had been too stupid to believe, to hope for anything else.
Between heavy and pained breaths, he spat out in a bitter hoarse voice laced with self-hatred and loathing for the Dark Lord and what his master had taken from him, "You would have been better off to never know me, Kya, had I never set foot into your grandfather's shop that day, and I think I would be better off to have died at Potter's hands, his accursed love than to see all my mistakes thrown back into my face like you are doing to me now."
His words trailed off into a half-choked and broken sob, sounding ugly and pathetic in his ears. He clenched his fists even more tightly and sharply kept his profile turned to the left, determined that his only friend not look at the right side of his face. He was shaking violently like a cornered Bowtruckle staring into the eyes of a Kneazle who had backed it into a corner and intended to sink its teeth into it, trembling from head to toe.
He wanted to suffer, to die. Every coherent thought was leaving him now as he drowned in his despair, but before he could, Kya's delicate and soft hands and all of his sorrow vanished.
He choked on the noises that were emitting from the back of his throat as he instinctively curled around fistfuls of her dress for support and pulled her closer into his arms, holding the witch now in his arms desperately, fearful that she too would vanish.
"I'm sorry," he choked out, his voice breaking over and over again. "Kya, I am sorry, f-for everything…" Quirinus openly wept. "Kya…" he whispered her name softly, just as softly as the last night they had spent together when he'd pleaded with her to understand underneath the willow tree in his backyard, why he had to leave. That was all it took to break her, and suddenly, Kya too began to cry.
She stepped back and withdrew back into herself quickly, as though just touching her friend's skin had burned her and began to sob.
She buried her face in her hands, trying to hide her shame, but it was no use. She had never been able to hide anything from him, the man had always been able to read her like an open book. No matter how hard she tried to hide it from him.
She could not let him finish whatever thought was running through his mind. She rose from his bedside and turned on her heels to walk towards the door of the Hospital Wing, needing air, to leave, but her legs would not carry her the distance it took to get there. Kya stood there for a moment trying to catch her breath, trying to hold back the tears that continued to fall from the edges of her eyes.
"Don't," she whispered in a shaking voice. "Quirinus, if you have any decent feelings left for me, please…do not do this. I know that there's good in you. What happened…wasn't you, it wasn't your fault. I have to hold out hope that we can convince the Ministry of Magic to see the truth, Quirinus, I—I can't lose you again. Not a second time, please don't do that to me…" She swallowed hard past a lump in her throat and sniffed as she wiped the last drop of a wretched tear from her sore and stinging eye. She breathed out a shaking breath through her nose and tried to relax, feeling somewhat better now that she was not looking into Quirinius's deep pleading eyes that never failed to bore into her and made her feel as if he could read her soul. It took her another moment or two to find her voice again. "I—I need to go for a walk, I need to think. An Auror will be stopping by your house in a few days to retrieve our memories, I need to decide which ones we both intend to give. Your freedom depends on it. I'll be back in a little while with some supper for you, but it's clear to me now that you do not understand. The wizarding world never saw you as a laughingstock. I didn't, but that was not enough for you. I was not enough to make you stay. I was not good enough for you, Quirinus, was I?" she whispered in a choked voice. "You are now convinced that the world could never see you as anything but a monster," she growled, spitting the last word as though it were poison in her mouth. Her tone grew sharp and agitated as she slowly lifted her head and methodically turned back around to face him.
Quirinus grew alarmed at the hurt that was now burgeoning within her deep blue eyes and immediately felt a wave of guilt and remorse come over him, but he did not know what to say to Kya to make amends. He opened his mouth in the hopes of relaying some small words of comfort that were intended to supplicate her some, but nothing came out. Her eyes narrowed as if she sensed his intentions, and she gave the wizard a withering look of irritation. Quirinus grimaced and bit down on his bottom lip, doing his best not to wilt under the look his friend was now shooting him that would have had the power to wilt a fully bloomed flower, as he had seen the witch do once before and thought it a small miracle.
"Look at me, Kya, what I've become, look!" he barked at her in a hoarse voice as he gestured towards the ruined side of his face, trying to make his friend understand. "The world will now never see me as anything else but a monster!" he almost shouted at her.
She frowned, the edges of her mouth turning down in a frown as the witch vehemently shook her head in disapproval.
"I am looking at you, Quirinus Quirinus, and I will tell you this, the man that is in front of me now is not a monster," she snapped, no traces of warmth or kindness in her shy voice now.
Quirinus reeled back, feeling as though she had hit him with a Stunning Spell as his chest began to constrict uncomfortably tight that it was painful. Kya had not called him by his full name in years, not since the first day they had met. She knew his name, among many other things was the source of much of his teasing and ridicule, and as a form of respect, she only spoke to him using his first name. Until now, which meant she was angry.
The distress must have been visible on his face, for something passed through Kya Ericksen's eyes and her expression and voice softened as she tried again. "Quirinus," she whispered, her look of sadness now replaced the expression of hurt and anger. "One day soon, you're going to have to decide for yourself who you are. Only you can decide that. Who you're going to be. The man that I call my friend, the man that I care for, more than anything else in the world, the good man with a kind and pure heart, or…someone else. I can't choose for you. Though I wish that I could, my friend, I do, if it meant that you would be spared even more hardship." She swallowed, refusing to say the Dark Lord's name and acknowledge that her beloved friend considered himself a loyal servant of Lord Voldemort's, or had been. She was not sure about his stance surrounding that issue now that he was free of the Dark wizard's influence, but she decided perhaps that was a topic of conversation best broached for later.
Kya stood there for a moment as if waiting for him to say something, but Quirinus did not. He sat there propped against the mountain of pillows piled against the bed's headboard, unable to move or say anything to his beloved friend to give Kya comfort.
The witch must have taken his silence as the only apt response that he was able to give and turned for the doors to the Hospital Wing. Just as she placed a hand on the doorpost, something gave her pause, for she turned back and whispered.
"I just want you to see you how I see you. You mean more to me than you could ever imagine, Quirinius. I hope you see it."
Quirinus watched her go and clambered within for something that would let her linger, just for a moment longer.
"Kya," he blurted out and cringed at how hoarse he sounded. His throat hurt and it was a chore still to speak, but the question was burning on the tip of his tongue that he had to ask.
She stopped halfway through the doorway and had to twist her head slightly to the left to attend to Quirinus's words.
"…will you leave?" he asked in a choked voice.
Kya's posture remained stiff and straight. The witch was unstirred, and she was silent for a moment as she contemplated his words. He cringed as a deafening silence filled the room and his eardrums began to ring.
Finally, Kya eventually regained control of her voice.
"Accepting your Headmaster's request that I come to your school to see you, to do what I could for you, was one of the happiest requests that I've ever followed in my life, Quirinus. I don't care if you will be scarred if that mark on your face never heals. You are still handsome to me. No, Quirinus."
She paused, exhaling a shaking breath as she peeked over her shoulder at Quirinus one more time, her deep blue eyes a contrast of hot and cold at the same time that left his insides churning, his stomach an uncomfortable bundle of nerves and desire that she would stay. And then she spoke the words that made his heart soar. He wished he had a way to express his relief but knew of no words that would come up.
"I won't leave," was all Kya said as she turned and left Quirinus alone, leaving him watching her go, a pained expression glittering behind his eyes.
