Chapter 7

Barnes woke later that night with a startled gasp as dread and fear flooded his insides with a deathly grip. Panic shot through his system following his jumbled dreams and without thinking he sprang across the rooftop and onto the buildings nearby using his metal arm without thought. He had jumped onto one of the balconies on the opposite apartment block and scaled the rest up to Rogers' apartment window and once inside, stalked his way to the nearest corner where he stood silently, his breathing erratic. After a few seconds, his brain recognised where he was, and his eyes darted around in confusion – how did he get here? Why did he come here? His breathing came fast and harsh, and the panic refused to leave him even though he felt safe in this little corner he had sought. He could not recall ever feeling safe before…

Without warning however, he heard a soft gasp, and his eyes were drawn to the doorway of the kitchen where Steve stood in a t-shirt and boxers. Not daring to make a sound or move, Barnes briefly wondered if he should kill the man now – helpless didn't even cover what stood in front of him at that moment. Steve stared in shock and then slowly approached Barnes but kept his distance, he could see Barnes' chest rising and falling with great speed and could hear his breath as it came out in short, sharp pants. Barnes stood there, watching Steve warily as he struggled to catch his breath.

"Buc-Barnes… what happened?" Steve questioned in concern. Barnes eyed Steve with distrust evident on his face, his breathing erratic. He sank down to the floor and gripped his hair in his hands as he tried and failed to catch his breath, the panic shooting through his system even faster than before as he felt like he was suffocating under its pressure. Steve recognised what was happening at once and quickly made his way towards his friend who was clearly suffering, Barnes suddenly flinched as Steve stood over him, the Captain paused, seeing the action which left Steve feeling guilty as ever. Taking a few steps back, Steve sat down a few feet away as Barnes watched him through anguished eyes. The fight or flight was evident in Barnes' thoughts as he became fully aware that he had backed himself into a corner.

"Barnes… you're having a panic attack", Steve told him firmly. "You got to breathe, slow your breathing". Barnes struggled to understand the other man's words, he was breathing, wasn't he?! That's what the panting was! Barnes couldn't make sense of what was happening to him as another wave of panic gripped his body and his eyes squeezed shut instinctively; his breathing frantic as he began to feel lightheaded.

"Barnes! Focus!" Steve barked out, demanding the other man's attention. Barnes' eyes flew open to stare at Steve as he spoke, and for a brief second, his breathing stilled. "Watch me, hear me, copy me as I breathe!" Steve commanded again and Barnes was unable to ignore his voice. He focussed on watching Steve's chest rise and fall, and listened as Steve drew in slow, deep breaths and exhaled again in the same way. After a few seconds, Barnes felt his breaths come less painfully quick and he felt his heartbeat slow down. They stayed that way for a while, as Barnes mirrored the other man's slow breaths. Once his breathing had calmed down, Barnes felt exhausted but somehow it was different to before, it was like his mind was tired, but this wasn't sleep-like tiredness – hell he never wanted to sleep again after what he saw. He found himself wondering how people slept so easily now that his thoughts weren't racing as much. Eyeing Steve, Barnes watched with unease as Steve rose to his feet with deliberately slow movements, made his way to the kitchen sink and poured a glass of water just like he had a few nights before. Barnes eyed the glass warily as Steve crouched down a few feet in front of him and extended his hand out with calculated precision. Barnes continued to watch the man before him with trepidation as Steve hovered the glass just within his reach. Hesitantly, he went to take it but stilled, Steve's eyebrows dropped into a frown as he brought the glass back towards his lips and took a sip before again extending it back towards Barnes, just as he had the other night in a silent promise that he sought to bring no harm.

Barnes was cautiously quicker to take the glass and brought it towards his mouth as he drank deeply, his body feeling feverish and sweat poured from him. A few seconds of silence later Barnes lowered the glass to the floor with a quiet *clink* and let his head roll back against the wall behind him; his eyes closed. With this action came a tired resignation, he had broken into Rogers' apartment, he was vulnerable and possibly malfunctioning beyond anything that he could repair without HYDRA, and he was so tired that he was at the mercy of the man in front of him. Steve watched Barnes for a few seconds before speaking, "Did the water help?" Barnes grunted and opened his eyes slowly to stare at Steve. Steve continued, explaining to Barnes in a soft voice, "That was a panic attack… do you know what brought it on?"

"A… panic… attack?" Barnes enquired; his brow pulled down in confusion. "What the hell is a panic attack?"

"Exactly what you just experienced", Steve responded briefly, "Have you had one before?"

Barnes stared at Steve feeling confused, "Not that I know of, I don't usually spend this long away from my handlers. They repair and maintain me, I am sick. I need repairing. Take me to HYDRA."

Steve stared at his friend and as he did several thoughts flitted through his mind as they settled on his face: shock, sadness, anger, more sadness, anger. As Barnes sat there watching him through lidded eyes, he felt conflicted at the emotions playing out on Rogers' face, he disliked seeing those emotions there though he couldn't explain or understand why. Steve's face settled on appearing angry and Barnes briefly wondered if Rogers would strike out at him like the people at HYDRA did, Barnes thought briefly about the possibility but found he was too tired to care or protect himself, resigning himself to the situation he found himself in, Barnes braced himself for the impact. No impact came however, but Steve's voice turned deadly, and it seemed to reverberate in Barnes' head as he demanded, "What do you mean! What is this repair and maintain crap you talk about?" Barnes met Steve's eyes with confusion, "when I malfunction or return from a mission, they put me back into storage until the next time I am called to complete a mission". Steve stared at Barnes with confusion prompting Barnes to elaborate simply, "cryogenic sleep". Barnes felt confused that Steve didn't seem to be aware of this process. Eyeing the other man with a frown, Barnes thought it strange that Steve was looking at him with a very peculiar look.

A dark anger took hold of Steve's features as these words sunk into his mind and his face contorted into something… inhumane, something unrecognisable. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN CRYO? HAVE THEY KEPT YOU ON ICE THIS WHOLE TIME?!" he screamed back at Barnes.

Barnes stared in confusion at Steve, whose face had contorted with fury before he responded: "Of course, how else do you maintain and look after a weapon?" Steve was spluttering and choking on the air he had just inhaled, Barnes however appeared completely unconcerned. "Bu-Barnes, you are NOT a weapon, you are my friend. You need help." Steve stated firmly. Bucky's head fell back with a heavy sigh, resigned, "will you stop calling me Bucky, I am not Bucky – I am Barnes. I need to go to HYDRA, they will repair me." Steve eyed the man before him critically, he felt exhausted and was confused by Barnes' slouched form. Steve frowned as he worked to calm his anger.

"You are Barnes, I will call you Barnes if you wish. Do you know what brought the panic attack on?" Steve queried, forcing his voice to adopt a new calm.

Barnes lowered his gaze from the ceiling to Steve's eyes, he contemplated what Steve had just asked him but found he had no answers to give, not really. He thought before speaking: "I… I am not sure. I think I fell…asleep? And there were things that I could see, I don't want to see…" he trailed off miserably, his face crestfallen as he looked towards the floor looking defeated. Steve grasped what Barnes was trying to relay to him instantly, with a sigh, he stood up and told Barnes to follow him and waited as the man slowly got to his feet. He led Barnes to the spare room which he entered first, he didn't need Barnes to feel trapped within a small room with Steve be stood behind him if he freaked out. There was mild intrigue on Barnes' face as Steve approached a set of draws and pulled out a plain t-shirt and some joggers, Steve held them towards Barnes "take these and put them on… no offence but your clothes look like shit and it's late. Stay here in this room tonight, we can talk more tomorrow?" he offered quietly. Barnes stared at the clothes for a few seconds before nodding his head once and taking them from the Captain, confusion evident on his face once again; "No more sleep", Barnes spat suddenly. He started to change into the clothes when he noticed Steve avert his eyes, Barnes paused, unsure of how to proceed. He frequently changed in front of his handlers; he was rarely left alone. Steve noticed that Barnes had stopped moving and he pulled his eyes back to his friends with a questioning stare. Barnes looked directly at Steve, unsure of why the other man seemed confused by his actions, "you must dress me? I will… comply…" he stated through gritted teeth as his head lowered to glare at the floor. Barnes didn't want someone else to dress him, but he knew his handlers sometimes did before freezing him again. Steve couldn't believe what he was hearing, swallowing his initial response, he choked out, "N-no, is that something that happens often?" Seeing Barnes' head nod once, Steve released a breath he didn't realise he was holding. "No, you can dress yourself, I merely thought that you might prefer to use the bathroom", Steve responded quietly. Barnes frowned in confusion, "bathroom?" Steve shook his head, "it's okay Barnes, get changed. We can speak tomorrow" if you are still here, Steve added in his head.

Steve turned, closed the door, and went to his own bedroom. He led down, thoughts running through his head and misery eating his very core over all that had transpired tonight. With a frustrated groan, he turned over and listened as the bed in the next room groaned, indicating that Bucky had at least sat down on it… he hoped.