Chapter 12

Sitting on his bed, Barnes thought back to the punching bags and how quickly he had gone through them. It reminded him of when he trained with HYDRA, and though he didn't find that a positive feeling – it was nice to have an objective to work with again. He felt confused by Nat's entrance earlier, couldn't understand this Hawkeye, and Tony had been MIA all day – Barnes didn't know how he felt about that. He realised his mind was growing sluggish and he couldn't recall when he had last slept – he knew it felt like a lifetime ago now. With a sigh, he led back against his pillow but found it too soft. Taking the blanket which had been provided for him, he found a spot on the floor and laid down where he quickly fell into a deep sleep; it was the most restful he had ever felt. As he slept, he dreamt of many things, some bad but most of them involved flashes of memory from a time before, a simpler time. When he woke again, he realised it was almost nice falling asleep and waking up in the same place. Nobody barked orders at him, he wasn't made to do anything, and Steve was there showing him new things. His favourite was the Switch, but the first time he had held a controller he accidentally snapped it with minimal effort, and he hadn't actually managed to play anything on it yet. Turning to Steve, clearly unsure what to do, Steve had chuckled before tossing him another one and this time, Barnes was more careful of how much restraint he had to exercise with the tiny things as he examined it closely in his hands. A couple of days passed and though Barnes felt more settled than he had done in a while, he couldn't stop the sense of foreboding that kept twisting in his stomach. He and Steve spent more time in the gym and Barnes quickly adapted to this strange new routine. One thing he couldn't shake though, was the Black Widow's questioning eyes as she watched his every move, he found it made him feel on edge.

About 3 days after him and Steve had arrived, Tony called them into a conference room for a gathering. As Barnes sat next to Steve, Nat & Clint entered and sat at the opposite end of the table watching the screen that Tony had just brought to life. Looking around stoically, Tony began explaining that his surveillance had picked up movement near the tower recently. As the images loaded and everyone waited with bated breath, Barnes couldn't stop the sudden jolt as he recognised the figures on the screen. "HYDRA" he hissed suddenly, causing nearly everyone to jump in shock. As they all looked towards Barnes, Tony offered a brief "the cyborg is correct", Steve looked at Tony hard, rolling his eyes and then turned to gauge Barnes' reaction. Barnes scowled at Tony, before his thoughts sped up in response to the figures paused on the screen. Steve asked whether they would breach the perimeter, to which Tony laughed - "Capsicle, come on. Don't be ridiculous."

Something unpleasant was happening in Barnes' mind however, and as the others discussed ways of reinforcing and preventing an attack, Barnes pretended to listen to what was being spoken of. Steve turned to him suddenly, causing him to flinch, and asked what Barnes thought should be done. Eyeing Steve with feigned calm, Barnes stated they would not just leave anytime soon until they had him – their asset within their grasp. After a brief pause of shock following Barnes' statement – he never spoke a word usually - the others continued their discussion about what course of action they should take. Inside though, Barnes thought of the other images now flashing in his mind, dark images of him bound, tied, gripped, and beaten into submission. He knew the two men who were still paused on the screen and he knew their presence meant nothing good for him. Standing without warning, Barnes left the room as Steve called after him. Opting to run, he raced through the building leaving everyone behind him startled by his sudden exit. Heading to the upper levels, Barnes sought an escape before Steve could find him, not wishing to talk. He found a dark office in what felt like miles away from where he had come from, and he stood watching out at the sky in front of him. His ears strained to hear any sign that he was being followed and when he heard none, he released a quiet sigh and searched the skies and beyond for answers to his questions. Negative thoughts and feelings raced on as Barnes struggled to keep a hold of himself and without warning, he struck out at a nearby table. Picking it up, he sought to throw it against the window in front of him and felt a sense of resignation as it merely bounced off. Standing up straight, he found his breathing quicken as he felt the desperate waves crash over him.

*Flashback*

He was sat on the cold floor of a dark cell, feeling battered and bruised. He knew he had done something wrong, but he couldn't remember what. He heard a sudden noise and as he quickly stood, the door flew open with a bang causing him to flinch. As one soldier stood guard, he noticed another soldier escorting a man into the cell before tossing a knife towards him. "You know your orders, mutt. Finish the job, or you know what will happen."

Without pause, Barnes stalked with purpose towards the man, his left-hand twitching slightly as the blade in his left pierced the man's neck; the man fell forward, the choking sound of his life leaving his body swiftly as the blood pooled around Barnes' feet. Stepping back, Barnes dropped the knife and stood to attention with his hands clasped in front of him awaiting his next orders – maybe this time he could be good.

The man's body was removed unceremoniously before the soldier returned, forcing a small crying boy into the cell with him. This time, Barnes was provided with a gun. Eyeing the small blonde-haired boy, Barnes felt disconcerted as he noted that the boy reminded him of someone from long ago – the boy with blue eyes fixed Barnes with tears streaming down his face, fear evident as Barnes looked at him trying to place the familiarity. Unbidden, an image of another sickly blond-haired boy rose in his mind, and he momentarily paused in shock.

"Mutt, complete your mission!" Shaking his head to rid himself of the feeling of dread, Barnes took aim and fired before he could think too much and the boy fell to the ground, dead. Once again, Barnes dropped the gun and took a step back to resume the position he was expected to. The feeling of unease growing within him as his mind puzzled over the young boy.

Finally, the soldier once again returned, dragging a crying woman with him, throwing her at Barnes' feet, the soldier barked a command in Russian: "Finish her, or we will finish you" before tossing him a rope. Looking from the rope to the soldier and finally, to the woman, an image of another woman rose within his mind and with it came a strong need to protect. Forgetting himself for a second, Barnes shook his head. "I-I can't, please don't make me…I can't…" He threw the rope away from him, stepping back and clasping his hands behind his back not making eye contact with the soldier who stared at him with anger. The woman continued sobbing, as the soldier suddenly picked up the rope and held it around her neck, choking her. Barnes shouted "NO!" and made to step forward as the other guard advanced and sent him flying with a punch to his cheek. Standing, Barnes attempted again to reach the woman, he had to save her though he didn't understand why. More men barged into the cell, attempting to restrain him before pointing a gun at his chest to quell his efforts to reach the woman who was now struggling with her captor. With a cry of defiance, Barnes tried leaping forward, the desperation flooding his body as the woman choked out a final death rattle before slumping forward. The only thing Barnes earned himself for his efforts was a sudden burning graze from the fired gunshot that whizzed past his left arm as he dropped to his knees with a pained grunt, eyes looking at the floor – he had failed.

The soldiers removed the body before hoisting Barnes to his feet and shackling him against the wall with the chains placed there before advancing on him. A hand grabbed his hair, forcing his head up to stare into one of the guards' eyes as the guard took a knife and sliced Barnes' chest suddenly. The pain was instant, and Barnes hissed, trying to withdraw his body from the man's reach. It was a futile effort that cost him greatly.

*End of Flashback*

Barnes became aware of himself yelling and someone crouched down in front of him, worry evident on their face; Steve's name being called out repeatedly from his own lips as Steve tried to grab Barnes' wrists. Becoming aware of the pain that radiating from his flesh hand, Barnes looked into the blue eyes feeling confused. Feeling trapped, Barnes launched himself forward hastily, sending Steve flying as he bolted out of the room leaving Steve to scramble to his feet in an attempt to keep up with him. Barnes ran as far as he could but found he was trapped. With a desperate cry, he sunk to his knees just as Steve caught up to him, frowning. Extending a cautious hand towards his friend, Steve stilled as Bucky's voice full of desperation filled the room: "stop, just make it…stop." Steve frowned at these words, unsure of what Barnes was referring to. "MAKE IT STOP!" Barnes screamed suddenly; his eyes screwed up in consternation as he begged for an end to the torment within his mind. Steve cautiously approached with slow, obvious movements as he recognised another panic attack coming. Eyeing Steve with panicked breaths, Barnes heard Steve direct him once again to focus on his breathing, to mirror Steve's calm aura. After a few seconds, the panic attack increased, and Barnes felt the terror grip even tighter within his chest. Just as he was about to lash out, he heard Steve say those words that he often said: "I'm with you 'til the end of the line", Pausing his movements, Barnes blinked before a new memory surfaced of a young Steve fumbling with his keys and Barnes heard himself say those exact words. Looking at Steve, his breath stalling, he ground out suddenly: "Sarah… your mother's name was Sarah." Steve eyed Bucky with shock, "yes, you remember?" followed by a nod from Barnes. A new feeling of hope spread through Steve as he registered how prominent those words that Barnes had just spoken were. "What else do you remember?" Steve asked suddenly, Barnes eyed him with uncertainty before responding: "flashes, mostly. They make no sense. I recall that day though… I recall saying those words to you" trailing off, Barnes frowned as he tried to make sense of the memory.

After a few moments, Steve extended his hand towards Barnes again, who surprised him by taking it. As he pulled Barnes to his feet, he felt a brief wave of disappointment as Barnes dropped his hand suddenly and stood grasping his metal arm with his flesh hand, not meeting Steve's gaze. Clearing his throat, Steve beckoned and led Barnes towards the kitchen to get his friend a drink. Opening the door as Barnes stood silently behind him, Steve stood up before handing Barnes a Powerade. "Try it, it took me a while, but I like them now" Barnes took a sip, and quickly downed the bottle as he registered how thirsty he really was. Looking back down at the floor, Barnes again surprised Steve by stating a quick "thanks" before turning on his heel to leave the room. Stopping only as Steve called out to him, Barnes stated that he was going to his room before leaving Steve standing there, unsure what to do. Deciding that he should let Barnes have some time, Steve sighed before turning his head to notice a silently staring Hawkeye raise his eyebrows at him. Shrugging, Steve motioned to the TV and the two men sat down in companionable silence, Steve's thoughts turning to his friend and the things that had happened within the last 45 minutes. Clint eyed Steve warily, wondering what the other man was thinking but decided to leave it, whatever had happened seemed intense and he didn't feel it was his place to ask unless Steve wanted to broach the subject.

The two men downstairs spent the rest of the day unaware, but Barnes was in his room pacing. He felt unsure of what he should do after the memories of Steve and his mother had burst forth in his mind and though he had many questions, he didn't know how to approach them without feeling a sense of anger. Moving himself into a corner of his room, Barnes clutched his blanket to his chest, his eyes feeling heavy.

In the early hours of the morning after everyone else had retired for the night, Nat was passing through the silent corridor when she heard muffled shouts coming from Barnes' bedroom, and pausing, she stopped to listen. A sense of urgency gripped her as she stealthily turned the handle and walked in. Barnes was in a heap on the floor, the blanket wrapped around his torso in a tight grip as it became evident that he was having a nightmare. She was about to walk out when a desperate plea stopped her: "please. Please don't. I will do better. I will do better!" Spinning around, she stared in surprise at the dishevelled Barnes who was fighting his duvet. Without thought, she quickly crossed the room and tried to free the man from the tight grip of the quilt. Barnes thrashed out, catching Nat in the side and with a dull gasp, she let go and stepped back. Barnes ground out a sentence in Russian, pleading again: "please, I will be a good Soldier, I will be a good asset, just stop. Please stop". Sitting quietly on the bed, Nat did the only thing she could think of and sang a lullaby in Russian. Barnes' movements stilled; his brow furrowed as he became aware of a new presence in his room with him. Eyes flying open suddenly, he moved without seeing and had managed to pin Nat beneath him, his eyes wild and confused as she stared up at him. Before Barnes thought to do anything else, she barked out, "Soldier, remove your hands!" in Russian. Barnes' movements stilled before dropping his hands and he took a step back watching her. As he became more aware, Nat offered a brief explanation before Barnes' mind caught up fully: "you are at Tony's place, with Steve. No harm will come to you here" Barnes thought on those words for a second before questioning in Russian, "What is my mission?" Confused, Nat thought before offering him a reprieve, "there is no mission, your mission was completed" eyeing Barnes cautiously as he stayed unnaturally still, she ordered him to lie back down. When he complied, eyes watching her with uncertainty, she handed him back his quilt before turning to leave. A voice suddenly called her back with a simple word, "stay?" unsure she had heard correctly, her movements paused with her head inclined, listening intently. The voice came again, uncertain: "will you... stay, please?" Turning to look at Barnes, she noticed his eyes were wide and staring at her, but not unreasonable like they had been. Nodding her agreement, she walked slowly back towards him, willing herself not to make him feel threatened as she perched herself on the bed.

Watching her movements with uncertainty, Barnes recalled the brief song he had heard through his nightmares and asked if that was her. Nat informed him it was, and he sighed to himself as he stared at the ceiling. As she made herself comfortable, thoughts racing around her mind, Nat heard one last word from Barnes, "thank you" as he drifted back into an uneasy sleep. Shock reigned superior within her thoughts as she briefly thought about leaving again, but watching Barnes toss and turn in discomfort, she felt compelled to stay. As Barnes' mind tormented him and his face turned to one of pain, Nat again offered the lullaby she had sang before and watched as Barnes' face slackened into a deep sense of calm. Shaking her head, she stared up at the ceiling, listening to Barnes' deep breathing and wondered what did it all mean.

She knew Steve would wake soon, and when it hit around 6am she left Barnes asleep as she went to find him. Just as he came out of his bedroom, Steve jumped in surprise as Nat exited Barnes' bedroom. With a questioning glance, Nat shook her head before motioning for Steve to follow her. Once they descended to the lower levels, she filled him in briefly but kept the more personal things she had witnessed to herself. She asked Steve some questions about Barnes which he answered before he went downstairs for his daily gym session. Sighing, Nat made her way back up to the sleeping quarters and entered her room, frowning to herself she made a brief note in her book before lying down and falling asleep. She had her own nightmares to think of now.

Barnes woke about 2pm as he jolted awake, flashes of the night before catching up with him and he felt uncertain if it was just a dream or if it had happened. Looking around he noted that he was alone and didn't know if he felt better or worse following his rest as he stood up and stretched. He couldn't remember a lot, but he knew the Black Widow had been there as he caught her lingering scent within the room, bringing with it a strange feeling of calm.

He made his way downstairs intent on finding Steve but found the downstairs room empty. Unsure of what to do, he sat on the couch and remained still trying to sort his thoughts from the night before when he suddenly became aware of another presence. Hawkeye had walked in and was just staring at Barnes, not certain of whether he should make a hasty retreat or make his presence known, he knew the other man was dangerous. Tension flooded Clint's system as Barnes' attention suddenly snapped his way, the unnatural stillness of Barnes' body putting Clint on edge. Barnes eyed Clint for a moment before offering a brief nod. A slight look of shock crossed Clint's features as he returned the gesture before nodding to the opposite sofa and purposely making his way over. Barnes watched, expression unreadable as Clint sat down and turned the TV on. Grabbing another controller, he turned on the games console before selecting Mario-Kart and offered Barnes one of the little Switch controllers again. Hesitating, Barnes took it in his hand before watching the TV screen as Clint set up the map. Frowning as the game counted down, Barnes watched Clint's hand move as he controlled the little car on the screen and mirrored his movements, quickly working out how to shoot offensive objects at the other drivers. Clint suddenly whooped, causing Barnes to grip his controller in surprise as a little bomb with legs strolled its way across the screen and hit Clint's car just as Barnes crossed the finish line. Eyeing Clint, Barnes spoke for the first time, his voice quiet and uncertain "what happened?" Clint turned, and replied that Barnes had won the game, earning a frown in response. "Haven't you played before?" Clint asked, when Barnes shook his head, Clint looked back, surprised. "I thought you had, nobody beats me" he offered, shocked. Setting up another round, Clint eyed Barnes darkly; he did not like being beaten. Steve walked in as the other two men were playing on their 4th round, his eyebrows darting up as he took stock of the scene before him. Barnes quietly stared intently at the screen as Clint muttered in frustration, suddenly Barnes smiled briefly before catching sight of Steve standing in the doorway. Eyeing Steve, Barnes again offered a nod which Steve returned hesitantly.

"Hey… Tony is talking about getting food, you guys in?" Steve offered quickly. Clint turned his head as Nat strolled in behind Steve, "yeah man but I don't want that Chinese shit again, it was awful."

Tony's voice filled the room from above suddenly, "that's because you have no taste, bird brains" and his face appeared on the TV in front of them. Taking stock of the scene before him, Tony told everyone to decide what they wanted and to call him when it arrived – he was working in his lab again. Food arrived and with it, everyone gathered in the living quarters to eat together. Barnes frowned as the new smells hit his nose but accepted the plate offered to him by Steve before taking tentative bites of whatever was in front of him. Surprised, he found he really liked it and hastened to eat whatever he could manage before feeling too full. He watched the interactions between the others with a quiet thoughtfulness before becoming aware that Nat was watching him with an unfathomable expression. Feeling uncomfortable, he turned to Steve who attempted to make conversation with him, and the night passed with an easy atmosphere. Barnes went to bed when Steve left to go upstairs as he felt truly comfortable for the first time in forever, approaching his corner of the bedroom again, Barnes laid down and closed his eyes and fell asleep quickly. He was finding that as time went on, more memories and flashes came to him with a more positive light, and he was enjoying the feeling of certainty he was experiencing and there had been no further mentions of HYDRA's agents surrounding the area. The next few days were uneventful, as Barnes found himself in some sort of routine. Exiting his room one day, Barnes made his way to the living room as had become the norm. He regularly sat near Clint, as the two played Mario Kart in near silence, he ate with everyone else, and had found he began to develop more clear ideas of preferences. Steve found Clint and Barnes sat near each other frequently, and though he felt a bit wistful, he was pleased that Barnes seemed to be feeling more comfortable. Thinking on this as he approached the sofa, Steve sat next to Barnes watching the quick movements of his hands. Clint offered Steve the controller before stretching and excusing himself, Steve nodded back at Clint before turning to Barnes and offering him another round; he was surprised when Barnes accepted so quickly. After a while, Steve got up to train in the downstairs gym and offered Barnes to accompany him. As they made their way below, Barnes suddenly spoke causing Steve to nearly jump a mile: "why do you train so much?" Frowning, Steve thought before he responded, "I like to keep in shape, it keeps my mind focussed". Barnes nodded in acknowledgement as the pair continued down to the gym where they picked up from a few days before. Steve found the strange companionable silence comforting as the two of them worked out, when Barnes suddenly spoke again: "I remembered your mother passing", Steve looked at Barnes, stopping his workout. Licking his lips, Steve responded carefully, "when, the other day?" Barnes nodded, eyes trained on the punching bag; "I remembered that line you say, you couldn't find your keys". Hope coursing through him, Steve replied eagerly: "yeah, you attended the funeral with me"; Barnes merely nodded. Biting his lip, Steve returned his attention towards his punching bag again, scared he had ruined the moment. Barnes suddenly stopped as his punch bag fell loose from the rack, he cast an eye at Steve before grunting "see you in a bit" before he left the gym. Heading to his room, Barnes made his way back to his familiar corner as he sat in silence, thinking hard. Memories of a kind lady drifted within his mind, and he knew that she was Steve's mother, he briefly wondered what his mother had been like before shaking his head – he may never remember. Frowning to himself, Barnes felt that he had been robbed of many things, his memories, his friendships, his very being but maybe he could crawl through the haze and get it back one day. He pushed himself to remember and was surprised when he saw more flashes of the life he had before, both old and new running through his head mixed with the odd one from his time with HYDRA. Feeling sick to his stomach as his mind relayed flashes of a more recent past he'd rather not remember, resignation suddenly weighed heavily upon him; he didn't think that he deserved any chance of recovering his past memories and before he realised what was happening, he gagged violently as the flashes from his HYDRA days threatened to overwhelm him. Throwing himself into action, Barnes just made it to the en suite before emptying his stomach contents, aggressive memories flashing in his mind of himself carrying out past missions and the sickening images that were imprinted there remained in his mind's eye. Gasping, he sat back and tried to maintain a grasp on his unsteady breathing. When he was certain he had finished, Barnes picked himself up from the floor and returned to his corner once more where he sat lost in thought and the hours seemed to whizz past him.

I am no good, he found himself thinking. I am a menace, a plague, I shouldn't be here – I should have died. I wish I had died. My life is meaningless, the amount of people I have hurt, that I have destroyed, I should have been better. His thoughts honed in on this particularly uncomfortable thread before it suddenly became too much for Barnes.

Without warning, his breathing hitched uncomfortably within his chest as another violent memory flooded his mind and his body suddenly flushed with a surge of heat as he was hit with fight or flight. Stumbling to his feet, Barnes burst out of his room in blindly before barging into Steve's room, the adrenaline and panic surging within him. Slamming the door shut behind him as he turned, he noted Steve staring at him in shock from his bed. Just as Steve was about to ask a question, Barnes sank to his knees, head lowered as the shame engulfed him. Steve launched himself off the bed with a cry - "Bucky!", he came to stop at Barnes' side instantly and without pause, he reached his hand out and felt Barnes flinch as his hand made contact with Barnes' shoulder; Steve heard a quiet moan as Barnes sank into the touch, wishing the torment would stop. Steve was unable to catch Barnes as he slumped forward and began shaking with deep, shuddering breaths. Steve shifted his position and kept his hand on his friend's back, feeling Barnes still under his touch. Trying to catch his breath, Barnes suddenly looked up at Steve as he choked out, "they made me kill them, Steve. They made me kill them all" before looking back down at the floor as a wave of sickness hit him again. Steve froze, not quite sure what to say when Barnes started gagging violently again. Bidding his friend to hold on, Steve stood and walked into his own personal bathroom before bringing back a glass of water for Barnes to sip as Barnes pushed himself up into a seated position. Willing his hand to stop shaking, he reached for the cool glass that Steve had handed him and brought it to his lips. When he was sure that Barnes wasn't going to drop the glass, Steve exhaled slowly before taking up position next to Barnes once again as he brought his hand back to Barnes' shoulder. Barnes' head fell back in misery, his eyes closed as his breathing slowed to a steady pace, tiredly he fixed Steve with a look that barely contained the horrors within his mind. Speaking suddenly, Barnes stated one word – "sorry". Eyebrows shooting up, Steve looked back at Barnes with a mix of shock and anger. "Sorry?! What the hell are you sorry for? You didn't choose this, Buck. I am the one who's sorry". Barnes chewed Steve's words over as another memory flashed in his mind – a pleasant one. "Your mom used to bake", he offered suddenly as Steve nodded, smiling; "Yeah, she used to make these little cookies, do you remember them?" he asked. Nodding his head, Barnes realised with a shock that he actually did, little chocolate chipped cookies that tasted of warmth and love and happiness, looking around the room silently, he spotted a picture near Steve's bed and as he stared at it, Steve stood and brought the picture over. Barnes noted the thin woman with her arms around her son protectively, "Sarah…" he offered again. With a sigh, Barnes handed the photo back to Steve as he spoke to Barnes of their time in Brooklyn together. Barnes chuckled suddenly, a sound that seemed alien to his ears as a memory of a young Steve riding the Cyclone on Coney Island drifted into his mind, before turning to Steve and asking whether it had really happened - "Yeah, and I threw up!" Steve finished as excitement flooded through him. They fell into a comfortable silence as Barnes' eyes began drifting shut again, Steve patted his flesh arm as he made to stand up, stretching. "You staying in here tonight?" He asked, hardly daring to breathe. Barnes thought for a second before offering a subtle nod, he dragged himself up and left the room before returning with his blanket and pillow. Throwing it on the floor, Barnes led down just as Steve was about to offer him the use of his bed. Shaking his head, Barnes closed his eyes with a muttered thanks before drifting off to sleep again, Steve watching in wonder as hope spread through his body once more. Climbing into bed, Steve watched as his friends' chest began to rise and fall gently before rolling over and thanking God for his friend back – he knew that they had a long way to go, but Steve found he was grateful all the same.