Instead of driving through the desert during the hellish heat in an open speeder during the daylight like a maniac, Kazuma just hung out with Megumin and Yunyun in the Crimson Demon Sandcrawler for the day. As a bonus, this meant that he basically got the entire day off of work, and he could claim he spent the time bargaining for and fixing the new droids Uncle Owen wanted. As a bonus, it was also kinda sorta true.
"So, like, this Princess, where's she from?" Kazuma asked, shaking a can of lubricant as he looked over the protocol droid. It looked to be in pretty good condition, but the sand was a real killer and he didn't need his meal ticket seizing up before he even brought it back to Uncle Owen's farm.
"Oh, Princess Organa from Alderaan. She's an imperial senator, you know," the droid explained. "My main function was-"
"Oregana…hmm, Alderaan has its own private fleet and stuff, right?" Kazuma asked, spraying down the droid's arm joints and wiping them off with a rag. "So, like, I could get a ship from her for returning you or whatever, and get off this dirtball?"
"Oh! Ah, yes, we were aboard the Tantive IV, which is a-"
"Oh sweet! That's a CR90! They're older now, but the Tantive IV has some upgrades from the Alderaanian navy. They upgraded the turbolasers to T&B H9s, right?" Kazuma said as he cleaned.
"I am afraid I don't know much about the armament, Master Kazuma. Our main function was as a diplomatic mission for the Imperial Senate. Why, we were on a-"
"I demand a ship as well!" Megumin said, shoving Kazuma aside and grinning madly. "I too wish to set off amongst the stars on an epic quest, proving my superior might as a mercenary captain and defeating new and interesting life forms!"
"You just want to build the biggest bomb you can and drop it on someone!" Kazuma complained, glaring at Megumin and wiping dust off his sleeve in irritation.
Megumin's eyes took on a wistful expression, and she raised her eye patch, looking off into the middle distance. "Not just bombs. But also, increasingly powerful weaponry! One day, I shall construct a device so powerful, that all must kneel before me, and acknowledge that I, Megumin, am the foremost Genius of the Crimson Demon Clan and Mistress of Explo-"
"Good heavens! You have both your eyes, Mistress Megumin!" C3PO gasped. "I am sorry, my medical knowledge is rather limited, but what purpose does the eye patch serve?"
"Here she goes again," Kazuma groaned, rolling his eyes as Megumin grinned and struck a pose, putting the eye patch back on.
"This is a sacred relic! One that I obtained from a cave where Darth Revan himself once walked, hiding away a most potent holocron! This eyepatch was passed down by Sith Lords, and from that ancient holocron, deep and forbidden knowledge was transmitted into my brain, endowing me with incredible Force techniques of the Dark Side, as well as-"
"She made it out of some cloth she got from somewhere and has been wearing one like it since she was a kid," Kazuma explained. "It's only special property is it makes her look like a wacko."
"SHUT UP YOU STUPID NEET!" Megumin snarled, and jumped for Kazuma, her hands outstretched like claws. She froze in midair, wiggling wildly and snarling.
"M-Megumin! Please, w-we have to be friends! A-and no fighting in the hold! N-not when there's so many bombs here," Yunyun ordered, wincing with her arms outstretched to hold Megumin in place.
"Silence! Or I shall unleash my mystic might upon you, the dark forbidden techniques of Darth Revan himself!" Megumin raged.
The afternoon proceeded much like that, until the first of the twin suns set, and they loaded up the landspeeder with the droids.
"Gonna be a tight fit," Kazuma grunted, squeezing into the front seat with Megumin and Yunyun, the two droids in the back.
"I-I don't mind, I like sitting with friends," Yunyun offered, giving Kazuma and Megumin a shy smile.
"We are not friends. We are rivals. The only reason I am consenting to you accompanying us is that obviously when I rescue the princess, I shall require minions to dispose of the Imperial Lackies," Megumin huffed.
In the back, R2D2 beeped and whistled.
"Worry not, my mechanical companion!" Megumin cackled as Kazuma sped away from the Crimson Demon Crawler. "We head now to the abode of a wise and mysterious hermit known as Ben Kenobi, who is surely an alter ego of this Obi-Wan Kenobi in your message!"
"That's stupid," Kazuma commented. "Why would old Ben hide like that? I mean, Kenobi can't be all that common a name, can it?"
"I-I think he's nice," Yunyun said. "H-he brings us salvage sometimes, a-and he tells stories!"
"Only you would be desperate to talk to a smelly old man like him," Megumin sniffed.
"You like his stories too," Yunyun muttered.
"I do not! I am merely humoring him!"
"Oh shut up. We all listened to crazy old Ben as kids. The old coot is weird but he's harmless," Kazuma grumbled.
The argument lasted for some time, the droids in the back mostly silent, save for when C3PO tried to expound on something briefly, but was talked over by the three young adults who had no interest in what the droid had to say if it didn't involve them getting rich by rescuing a princess.
Though from what they clearly had no idea.
They were approaching the Southwestern edge of the Dune Sea, when something struck one of the engines of the landspeeder, causing it to emit black smoke and Kazuma swear volubly.
"Someone's attacking us!" he snarled, desperately trying to guide the landspeeder to a safe stop.
"Someone's attacking us!" Megumin cried excitedly, trying to stand up in the careerening speeder and look around excitedly.
"Someone's attacking us!" Yunyun wailed, looking worried.
"Oh, Maker preserve us!" C3PO cried, while R2D2 let out an excited warble.
Kazuma managed to bring the speeder to rest, drawing out his blaster rifle. "Blast it, I thought this trip would be uneventful," he grumbled.
"Master Luke, what is happening? Is it raiders? Are we in danger?" C3PO asked as Megumin and Yunyun piled out, neither of them carrying any visible weapons aside from the tools on their utility belts.
"Oh, we're in danger," Kazuma said absently. "But not from the Sand People. It's probably them. The Tuskens like to ambush travelers, kill them, drain their corpses of water, and wreck their tech."
"What?! But we are tech!" C3PO shrieked. "Maker preserve us, we're doomed!"
R2D2 made a rude noise, and Kazuma grimaced. "No, we're not. Those poor hutt-spawn."
Up on a cliff before them, several figures stood, raising rifles as three banthas with riders bore down on them, riders with gaffe sticks raised high. There was a raucous battle cry, and the raiders up on the cliff raised their rifles in triumph.
"T-they're getting close," Yunyun said nervously, peering out into the growing dusk. Her eyes hadn't yet begun to glow, which was the usual telltale of her people.
"Yes, let them draw closer, they shall not escape us this time!" Megumin cackled. Up above them, several of the snipers began to scramble down the cliff, carrying gaffe sticks and projectile weapons.
"B-but Kazuma could get hurt! A-and so could the droids…w-we have to think of them," Yunyun protested.
"Yes, and we shall think of them by luring our foes in as close as possible, then falling upon them, ridding this desert of yet another scourge!" Megumin declared. Then she paused. "I declare our contest today to be whoever can slay the most Sand People."
"W-what!? Oh, fine! I'll beat you this time, Megumin! I count twelve."
"Hmph. We need an odd number, otherwise this could end in a tie."
"Kazuma could be the judge of who does the best job destroying them," Yunyun suggested, peering towards the rapidly approaching riders.
"I judge that you're both lunatics," Kazuma said, raising his rifle. "And if you don't get rid of them, I'm going to start shooting and win the contest myself!"
"Fine. They're close enough," Megumin muttered.
"Ready?" Yunyun asked, and when Megumin nodded, both of them lept atop a nearby rise, striking a pose back to back.
"BEHOLD! I AM MEGUMIN, FOREMOST DEMOLITIONS EXPERT OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN!"
"BEHOLD! I AM YUNYUN! FOREMOST FRIEND OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN!"
The Sand People, upon seeing two of their intended victims strike a pose, had immediately halted. The ones atop the cliff turned around and started running away as fast as they could, while the riders had tried to pull their mounts about, and the ones running down the hillside desperately tried to reverse course and scramble away.
"FACE MY EXPLOSION!" Megumin roared, and reached into her pouch. Kazuma caught a gleam of silver, let out a yip, and dove for the dirt.
Megumin hurled a Thermal Detonator with Force powered might atop the cliff, where it exploded in a massive, shattering fireball that wiped out the three Tusken that had been atop the cliff, but then caused a landslide and killed the three others that had been trying to run back uphill. The small girl was picked up by the blast and flung backwards, tumbling until she smashed into the landspeeder, where she slid down, unconscious.
As for Yunyun, she pointed her hands at the banthas that had caught in a confused mess when their riders had jerked their reigns about, crying, "CRIMSON LIGHTNING!" Bolts of electricity crackled forth, and there were snapping booms. In moments, the riders and their mounts were reduced to charcoal, utterly annihilated by the consuming vortex of Dark Force power.
When the dust settled, Kazuma coughed and walked over, kneeling down beside Megumin as a panicked Yunyun scrambled to his side. He reached down and felt Megumin's pulse, then checked under her eyelid. "Out cold, but she's probably fine."
"I-I'll heal her!" Yunyun stammered, then ran her hands over Megumin, a soft, pulsing glow emanating from her palms that had just spat horrible death. Megumin's cuts and bruises faded, and soon she was simply snoring softly.
"W-well, um…what do we do now?" Yunyun said, standing up and walking over to Kazuma. He and R2D2 were examining the damaged engine, which the droid had the panel off of and was working away with one of its built in tools.
"It's fried," Kazuma sighed. "We can probably patch it, but we're not going anywhere fast. Poodoo, Uncle Owen's gonna kill me…"
"Good heavens," C3PO groaned, sitting up from the back seat and shaking his head back and forth. "What just happened? I thought I was doomed for sure this time…"
"The Crimson Demon Clan happened, that's what," Kazuma grunted, pulling out some of the damaged wiring as R2D2 soldered away, trying to make a patch.
"Ha, yes! I destroyed many foes!" Megumin declared, popping up and shoving away a flustered Yunyun. "Kazuma, Kazuma!"
"That's my name."
"Who is the victor?! Surely my Explosion was-OW!"
Kazuma karate chopped Megumin on top of the head and glared at her. "WHAT THE VARP WAS THAT, YOU LASER-BRAINED SCHUTTA! A THERMAL DETONATOR?! WE COULD HAVE ALL DIED!"
Megumin looked rather smug. "I know. I built it myself. It worked quite well."
"Um, I-I killed as many as M-Megumin…and I got the banthas," Yunyun pointed out. "I think I win."
Kazuma gave them both a flat look. "You can't be serious."
"This is serious! Come on, Kazuma, who won!?" Megumin demanded.
Yunyun nodded, looking rather grave herself. "I-It's part of our pride as Crimson Demons to know who won…So, um…it was me, right?"
Kazuma looked back and forth between the two serious girls, an exasperated expression on his face. Then, slowly, he tilted his head to one side. A wicked grin spread over his face, and he began to rub his hands together eagerly.
"K-Kazuma…what are you thinking?" Yunyun stammered.
Megumine's face looked like a sand storm. "You had better choose me, or I swear-"
"I'll pick whoever will agree…to GO ON A DATE WITH ME!" Kazuma cackled. "No more will anyone call me NEETzuma or Kazu-Virgin, or dateless loser! You must agree to be my girlfriend and-"
Yunyun and Megumin both slapped Kazuma at the same time, their hands connecting with opposite cheeks.
"YOU STUPID NEET! IF YOU WANT TO ASK ME OUT, DO IT! DON'T ASK MY RIVAL OUT TOO LIKE SOME SORT OF PERVERTED HAREM PROTAGONIST!" Megumin screamed.
"I-I'm not going to go on a date with you like that!" Yunyun gasped, tears coming to her eyes. "I-I thought w-we were friends! I-I expect a proper confession, a-and I'm not going out with you if you are going out with M-Megumin!"
"WHAT!?" Yunyun and Megumin both yelled, turning to one another.
"You LIKE Kazuma!?" Megumin demanded.
"YOU like Kazuma?!" Yunyun gasped.
"You said he was just a friend!"
"You said he was a pervert!"
The two women began to argue loudly, while Kazuma lay groaning and dazed on the dusty ground. "This is the happiest day of my life. I have two love interests."
"I'm never going to understand organics," C3PO sighed.
R2D2 let out a long, tired whistle, which couldn't have meant anything but, "You said it, buddy."
"Fine then! I challenge you as a rival, whoever wins shall claim Kazuma as her boyfriend as a prize!" Yunyun finally declared, pointing at Megumin.
"Yes! We can- Wait. This is too cliched. Plus, do we really want to fight over him?" Megumin asked, glancing down at Kazuma.
Yunyun grimaced. "W-well…he is the childhood friend of both of us…and we're rivals about everything else…"
"Yeah, but fighting over Kazutrash…it doesn't seem right," Megumin complained. "I'd feel…gross."
"Um, yeah. Sorry, Kazuma. Neither of us is willing to go out with you. Um, not right now, anyway."
"Yeah, you have to ask properly."
"A-and not be so creepy about it…"
Megumin nodded her agreement, and both Crimson demons folded their arms under their breasts, glaring down at him.
Kazuma was about to say something that would DEFINITELY earn him a beating and not a girlfriend, when there was a polite cough from behind them.
"I hope I'm not interrupting anything, but I do have to come and ask why you all felt the need to terrorize the poor tuskens on my doorstep, so to speak."
"Mr. Ben!" Yunyun gasped, as she and Megumin turned and blushed as red as their eyes. Behind them crouched an old man with an amused smile on his face, wearing worn brown robes as he watched the bickering trio.
"Oh blast. Ugh, help me up, someone," Kazuma groaned, reaching a hand up.
C3PO got out of the speeder and assisted Kazuma to his feet.
"Oh come on! I wanted one of the girls to do it!" Kazuma complained.
They both sniffed and walked around him to approach Ben Kenobi, who stood and smiled at them.
"Well, what brings you two out to the Dune Sea. I don't see the village nearby. Surely you're not so eager for an old man's company," Kenobi said.
"We have found out your TRUE Identity!" Megumin cackled, which made Ben chuckle softly.
"Um, these droids…they're looking for you…they say there's a princess who needs rescuing. She could be our friend!"
"She could be rich," Kazuma added.
"Rich is good," Megumin a-greed.
"Oh? And what droids are these?" Kenobi asked, glancing at the robots impassively.
"Ah, I am C3PO, human-cyborg relations! This is my counterpart, R2D2! It is most excellent to make your acquaintance, master Kenobi and I-"
R2D2 made a series of sharp whistles, vibrating as he waddled over to Kenobi's side.
"Oh hush, do not bother Master Kenobi with your wild stories, R2!" the protocol droid snapped. "As I was saying, while we have never met, I-"
"But R2 asked if Kenobi recognized him and called him Obi-wan," Yunyun said, looking perplexed.
"AH HA! I knew it! You are secretly a Jedi Master in hiding, and these droids have finally sought you out to aid the Rebel Alliance in their darkest hour to destroy the Empire!" Megumin cackled.
R2 let out a startled beep, head spinning to face Megumin.
Kenobi crouched down by the droid. "Don't worry yourself, my diminutive new friend. Crimson Demons are prone to flights of fancy. She's as likely to think a passing trader is a sith apprentice in disguise, or that a rock she finds on the ground is a hidden holocron from the days of the Old Republic."
C3PO nodded, and continued, "Yes, well, we are on an important mission from Princess Lalatina, on a matter of some-"
Kazuma let out a snerk, while Megumin snickered. Yunyun looked embarrassed and blushed. "D-don't make fun of her name! S-some people think Crimson Demons have strange names…"
"Yeah, well, whoever named a princess 'Lalatina' was as crazy as a Crimson Demon," Kazuma chuckled.
"Well, perhaps I can take these droids in, even if they are a bit confused as to who I am. How much do you want for them? I'm getting old; it would be helpful to have a couple of droids to help with my chores," Kenobi said, sighing and cracking his back ostentatiously.
"Heck no! I need them because they speak Bocce! Get your own droids!" Kazuma argued.
Kenobi gave him a knowing look. "Well, if they are yours, perhaps I could simply buy the R2 from you. I have some money stashed away…and an old model of a Delta-7 I might part with."
"An Aethersprite?! Those models are impossible to get ahold of! They were destroyed because they were used heavily by the jedi order!" Kazuma gasped.
"We demand to accompany you on any rescue missions, and that we get a large monetary reward for our assistance!" Megumin interrupted.
"Um, we'd be happy to help…j-just as long as the Princess will be our friend," Yunyun added. "But a reward would be nice…"
"I'm just an old hermit, I'm not going on some rescue mission," Kenobi chuckled. "I'll trade 5000 credits and the Delta-7 for the R2."
"Hmm, that's a pretty good deal…Aethersprites go for a lot on the market," Kazuma mused, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.
"You are not trading that droid, Kazutrash! We're going to have an epic confrontation with Darth Vader, and that's final!" Megumin stated, poking Kazuma in the chest.
"Y-yeah! I-it's our chance to rescue a princess and have a climactic duel with a Sith Lord! We'd make lots of friends if we defeated a sith lord!" Yunyun agreed.
"What did you say," Kenobi said, his posture suddenly straightening and his eyes going a cold blue.
"Oh, the Devastator is in orbit, so it's probably Vader that has the princess," Kazuma said with a shrug. "What the heck, it'd be a lot of work to actually rescue her, and-"
"You three will come with me, now," Kenobi said, his tone one of cold command. "Threepio, Artoo, my house is just over the ridge. It seems we have much to discuss. Come. Time is short."
"Wait, what? But you never let us into your house before, why are you-" Kazuma began, but Kenobi took him by the shoulder.
"Son, I'm afraid there isn't much time. But if Vader is here…the Force is guiding us. I'm afraid your time of hiding is near an end, young Skywalker. If they have Lalatina…come. We must make plans," Kenobi ordered.
"YES! I knew this was an epic adventure!" Megumin hooted in delight.
"Friends! We'll make lots of friends! A-and I'll kill more bad guys than you!" Yunyun said happily.
Kazuma felt a sinking feeling in his stomach as he was steered towards Kenobi's old hut. What had he gotten himself into?
On the other side of the Dune Sea, several squads of Stormtroopers on dewbacks examined a distant object on the horizon, their captain tracking it with his viewfinder.
"The tracks lead to it," the sergeant said in gruff tones. "The droids are aboard that Sandcrawler."
"Then we must retrieve them," the captain stated, lowering his viewfinder.
"It's listed as hazardous. And to not approach," the sergeant pointed out.
"Then we'll call in heavy support. We can bring in an AT-ST and a flight of fighters," the captain said. "We can't just destroy the crawler: but an attack from the air can cripple it, and then we can storm it. These locals are a bunch of scavengers and farmers. They're no match for the might of the Empire."
"Sounds like it will be a high collateral damage mission," the sergeant grunted.
"They're alien scum. The galaxy will be a better place without these…Crimson Demons," the captain stated. "Call in the air support. We'll make sure there are no survivors."
The sergeant nodded, already knowing that there would be no survivors in the coming battle.
And he was all too right.
