Fon placed her mug infront of her filled to the brim with english tea, exactly the way she liked it. In front of him was his beloved oolong tea. In between them was a plate of biscuits she had baked a few days ago.
"Violet?" he asked.
She blew on her tea to cool it down and hummed as an answer.
"I'm worried about you."
She stilled for a few seconds before she sat her tea down again "Why?"
"You still haven't spoken to me about your childhood, we heard what you and Reborn talked about and you had a nightmare yesterday. I saw the blood and it's not the first time I saw you hurting yourself and I worry that you struggle with your identity." he still had his polite smile on, while it was gentle it was still less bright than usual. He took this seriously.
"Why are you worried?"
"I just told you."
"No… why are you worrying?"
He mustered her carefully while taking a sip of his tea "Because I care about you."
She again only hummed an answer, tapping her fingers against the mug and letting silence take over.
"I would appreciate it if you would talk to me about it."
"About what?" she asked absentmindedly.
"Your struggles with your identity for example."
"But I'm not struggling with it?"
"You switched your appearance and personality… I think worrying about this is justified."
She considered for a moment but shook her head "It's different with my ability… I… it's hard to explain but my natural state is always changing as you may have noticed. My appearance switches according to my mood. While being in my natural body is still something different I'm not really capable of really struggling with it. I mean it would leave everyone with this ability in a constant identity crisis then. It's an inborn adaptability in some way and the lines between Skull and me were always blurry."
He carefully listened to her explanation and took a sip of his tea "I still have other matters I would like to discuss."
"Then go for it."
"You're hurting yourself every time you get upset."
"It's not like the wounds don't close straight away." she stated, not really happy about discussing her habit.
"Doesn't change the fact that you harm yourself Violet." he stayed calm but there was a pushyness that only Fon was able to pull off while still maintaining a serene smile.
"It's not even really painful."
"It's still self destructive behaviour."
"I'm not actively trying to hurt myself" nevertheless she tried to defend it. She didn't really enjoy discussing it.
"But you subconsciously do it."
She focused her attention on her mug again, not really sure what else she could say for Fon to back off.
"We should redirect it. Have you ever considered meditation?"
"Oh I'm absolutely pants at clearing my mind."
he furrowed his brow at that "Violet you don't need an empty mind for meditation. Have you ever had proper instruction?"
"...No."
"Would you allow me too?"
"I guess?"
"I'm glad we at least got to this agreement.. but there are still the issues with your childhood and what you said to Reborn and I fear they might be connected."
"What do you mean by my talk with reborn?" she definitely had no wish to discuss her childhood again.
"Violet… normal people would have held a grudge with both Reborn and Colonnello… probably even lash out at them at the first chance. But you asked him to hit you instead. As far as I know you're not a masochist, are you?"
"No, naturally not!"
"Then why aren't you mad?"
"Because I didn't mind it."
"Why not?"
she paused for a second, playing around with the handle of the mug "Because it was the price I had to pay for getting what I wanted and it's not like it ever really hurt."
"What did you get out of it?"
She stayed silent for a few moments, trying to figure out how to make him understand without revealing anything about the wizarding world "You are a private person right? You like doing your own stuff and having no one interfere with it, correct?"
"That is correct."
"How would you feel if everyone was constantly watching you, reprimanding you and forcing their opinions on you?"
"I suppose not in a good way"
"Fon… until I turned 11 I was a nobody and then I got invited to attend the school where my parents had gone to and everything changed. Suddenly everyone was interested in me… Not just interested, actually more like obsessed. They all had their expectations of how I was supposed to be and everytime I went against it I got major backlash. It went from adoring me to despising me and back to it in a matter of hours."
She paused for a second to take a sip "I hate seers Fon. Yuni only has the bonus of actually being innocent and my experience with dealing with one of my friends who is a seer as well. But I still despise it. I'm able to differentiate between Yuni and how I actually feel about seers but still…"
"But why?" he mustered her critically, completely focused on her words and any telling sign of her body language.
"My life actually went to hell because of a prophecy… my parents died because of it and everyone hailed me as someone I wasn't as a side effect. It would have already been a reason to hate my life but… the prophecy completely took over my life and I was forced to do things because of it. People looked up to me because of it. I hate fighting Fon and I know it sounds stupid because you saw me fight and how I'm not good at it but I don't plan on being a good fighter either."
"What does that have to do with my question?"
"I'm coming to that… because of the prophecy I was forced to fight… I was forced to fulfil my destiny and even after I did it they didn't leave me alone. Everyone was always looking up to me, searching for my guidance and leaving everything in my hands and as soon as I acted out of what they wanted I experienced their scorn. Even after the prophecy was finally done they didn't leave me alone. It got worse. All of them still tried to put me in the box they had created. I got moulded in a certain way from the first second I got in contact with my parents' old acquaintances and I was made something I wasn't."
Her fingers clenched around her mug "I wanted to do what I liked and act according to how I felt but I wasn't allowed to and everyone relied on me while proclaiming me their leader. I wanted to hide at times but I could never let go of the responsibility... no matter how much I wanted to."
Fon wasn't really sure how anyone would have thought putting Violet or even a cloud in such a position was a good idea and while he didnt understand what value she had for these people to lift her up to that height he kept quiet about that. It was more important for him to keep her talking "is that the reason why you became Skull?"
"Exactly. I wanted to get away from everything. I wasn't able to do it anymore and it destroyed me. Skull was everything I could never be. He was a coward, he was incompetent and no one ever relied on him or made them their leader. This was what I wanted and well Reborn took the position I hated. I'm grateful for that because all of his treatment of me was a byproduct of actually leaving me alone. I mean none of you would look up to me or even expect my help. Especially after the curse hit and I lost all of the freedom I had fought for. It was the only thing I was able to keep. I was forced to stay Skull and be a toddler but… I still had the fact that none of you relied on me and it was what I held onto. in a way Reborn and how all of you treated me was my lifeline"
"Is that why you don't hate us? Or are you planning revenge?"
"How could I? I'm grateful for what Reborn did… It was sometimes hard to bear but I chose it. I decided to play this act when we first met you guys and I decided to reinforce it the whole time. I was always able to stop it. I could have always put the act down but… why would I? There was no reason for me when I enjoyed being for once by far the least reliable. I mean it feels wrong to still act like Skull while I'm back to being me… but… I truly don't care about being seen as competent."
She absentmindedly started tapping on her mug again "But I think that's enough for today… why don't you tell me more about meditation?"
Fon still had questions but he was aware that he had gotten more answers out of her than ever before and therefore he granted her the distraction.
Finding sleep had been harder than usual, she just felt restless and her thoughts were circling about the conversation she had with Fon. It wasn't a good feeling to reminicens about her past.
She sighed and unravelled herself out the blanket cocoon she had made while turning around to maybe finally find a comfortable sleeping position. She was unsure what she could do to calm her thoughts, while looking around her room her eyes fell on the window and therefore she could see the night sky, riddled with stars.
Maybe going outside for a bit would help her. She quietly sneaked through the house and out of the door, finding a place on a bench near the flowerbeds. Her legs pulled to her chest and mindlessly watched the stars.
She wasn't sure how much time passed until she heard the door open again and heavy steps came closer.
Reborns voice broke the otherwise quiet night "Can't sleep? I could make you tired."
"Yeah and no thank you." she glanced at him and even though it was late he still was in perfect attire, his waistcoat not even showing the slightest wrinkle.
"You're still claiming to be non interested?" He pulled out a package of cigarettes and a lighter out of his pocket.
"I'm just not stupid enough to give in to a player"
"Your words hurt me, cara. How would I dare to play with you?" he said, quite amused and lighting his cigarette with one hand while he leaned back on the bench.
"Oh come on. As if you are actually interested in me."
"How could I not? A beautiful lady that actually is able to pull a trick on me? I would say I would be a fool to not show you affection." he carefully blew the smoke upwards to not let it bother her.
"You're already a fool to think sexual innuendos would make me want to sleep with you."
"So you're more into romance? Would you prefer it if I bed you in a sea of roses?"
She actually had to laugh at that but couldn't stop herself from replying "Too thorny. I prefer lilies."
"Noted." he spurted a smirk and lifted his cigarette again while his eyes bore into hers.
"That doesn't mean I will sleep with you if you give me flowers."
"We'll see about that." his tone was definitely way too confident.
"Why are you even trying?" she just had to ask. While it was a thrilling kind of fun to have him flirt with her, it was still a bit of a strange concept.
"Again you are fascinating and we are both adults and there is nothing wrong with some consensual shared intimacy… after all it has been 40 years."
She just shook her head lightly laughing. He truly was impossible.
A comfortable silence settled in between them. She was staring at the stars and trying to find the constellations she had learned about in school. He was just calmly smoking.
"I wanted to ask if you're okay" he broke the silence first but this time more serious.
"Because of the nightmare?"
"Among other things… I would say quite a few things happened and while I appreciate the development I won't ignore the fact that it must have been hard on you."
"How chivalrous of you" she almost snorted at that.
"I have to do you right for once, don't I?" he leaned forwards, propping his arm on his leg and setting his head to rest on his fist but his gaze was on her.
"It's… difficult but… I appreciate the change. It was more problematic for me to keep up the facade than it is to try being me again. I might be stumbling but… I think it might be worth it?"
"Don't worry. You're doing good, splendore." he said with a certainty that hit her harder than any attempt of flirting with her had resulted in.
She opened her mouth to reply but nothing was coming out.
The slight smile he gave her before they both returned to their activities did run through her mind for quite a while.
