A/N: I do not own Star Wars.
Emperor Palpatine, Darth Vader, and the Grand Inquisitor took their seats in the three chairs on a platform overlooking the arena on the Executor. "Greetings, candidates," Palpatine said, using the Force to project his voice down to the five figures in the arena. "As you all know, you have come here today to audition to become an Inquisitor! Recently a spot in the Inquisitorius opened up, and if we don't have at least ten members enrolled at all times, they lose their dental benefits and then come whining to me about that. So to avoid that headache, one of you will become the new Third Brother/Sister.
"If you are chosen, you will take part in the 10-week training program, overseen by the Grand Inquisitor himself; by the end of that time, you'll be commanding authority, wearing a weird hat, and wielding a spinning lightsaber that looks cool but is really super pointless like the best of them. Alright, let's meet our first candidate."
The spotlight droid overhead shone a light on the leftmost candidate. Palpatine continued, "Up first is…Cad Bane?!"
"You sound surprised to see me here," Bane replied.
"Well, it's just that I never really thought of you as Inquisitor material. You're just, like, some guy other guys hire so they don't actually have to kill someone."
"Isn't that all the Inquisitors are? People you hire so you don't have to actually kill any Jedi yourself?"
"He's got a point," Vader said.
"I don't like him," the Grand Inquisitor said. "He's a bit too…condescending towards us."
"Well, uh, you have any formal lightsaber training?" Palpatine asked Bane.
"No."
"You have any formal Force training?"
"No, but I've fought quite a few Jedi in my time. I know how to go up against their kind. Not to mention I've got a sweet ride. The Justifier. Certainly cooler than your Scythe Transport."
"Permission to kill him right now?" the Grand Inquisitor asked.
"No, no, you already have two strikes against you from the auditions for our replacement Sixth Brother," Palpatine said. "One more and I'll have to put you on paid leave for a week."
"Sure, that's definitely going to send the message that he shouldn't have done it," Vader said.
"Quiet! Now, Bane, if you had to describe yourself using a…color, what color would that be, hmm?"
"Blue."
"Sorry, the color we were looking for was 'red.' You're out. Okay, onto our next candidate."
The spotlight droid shone its beam on the person next to Bane.
Palpatine said, "Introducing…Qi'ra Nolassnaym. That's an interesting last name."
"Dammit, I told the guy at the door to put my name down as 'Mother of Dragons'!" Qi'ra yelled. "That sounds so much more badass!"
The Grand Inquisitor rolled his eyes. "I am not putting up with another Reva."
"Now, uh, any lightsaber training for you?" Palpatine asked.
"I've had months of Force training and lightsaber training," Qi'ra replied.
"Oh, good, gooooood. Can I have the name of the institution where you learned this, and your instructor's name? We need all this for insurance purposes."
"Well, there wasn't really an institution involved. I went to Dathomir and was trained by this guy Maul, and then for my graduation ceremony he took me to Malachor, but I stranded him there because, you know, Rule of Two, we're meant to turn on our masters and stuff."
"No, no, NO!" Palpatine yelled. "Maul is still ALIVE?! Out, out, OUT! You're OUT of consideration! No pupil of that backstabbing nerfherder Maul's will join my Inquisitorius! Get OUT! DEW IT!"
"We couldn't have expected you to know this, but we don't speak that guy's name around the boss-man," the Grand Inquisitor said. "We just call him and his brother 'The Red Guy' and 'The Yellow Guy.'"
Qi'ra harrumphed and left the arena.
"So, am I still in consideration?" Bane asked. "I mean, you didn't tell me to leave."
"Depends who the other three trained with," Palpatine said. "Next up, Barriss Offee. Wait a minute, I…what…aren't you Seventh Sister?"
"No, I keep telling everyone that, and they never believe me," Barriss said. "I mean, come on, we don't even look anything alike."
"No, I'm pretty sure you're Seventh Sister," Vader said. "I would remember. I fought you at the Jedi Temple, remember? After you framed Sn – Ahsoka? You look exactly like Seventh Sister."
"I'm pretty sure they're the same person too," the Grand Inquisitor said. "I was there that day, after all, as a Jedi Temple Guard."
"We're not the same person!" Barriss yelled, stomping her foot.
"Sorry, but you're out," Palpatine said. "One person can't simultaneously be holding two different positions in the Inquisitorius. Hey, don't give me that look. I don't make the rules…wait, scratch that, I do. Except the ones about the dental benefits; I don't know who makes them."
"So am I out-out like Qi'ra or only kinda-out like Bane here?"
"No, you're out-out."
"AARGH!" Barriss left the arena.
As she walked past Bane, he said, "My odds just keep looking better and better, little lady."
"Okay, next," Palpatine said, "and let's hope this candidate is more promising: Hondo Ohnaka."
"Yes, yes, my friend, it is I, Hondo!" he said as the spotlight droid focused on him.
"When you are in the presence of the Emperor, you will address him as such," the Grand Inquisitor said.
"My apologies. But I am certain I could be a…worthy asset to you and your, ah, secret police, shall we say? I have fought Jedi before; our interests have been at odds many times."
"Any prior experience with the Force and/or lightsabers?" Palpatine asked.
"Yes, I have come across lightsabers once or twice in all my days of piracy. I have never wielded one, but I know they are quite valuable. Especially the spinning sort your Inquisitors wield. Just last week, I hear the Jawas on Tatooine managed to sell half of one for 25,000,000 credits. Just imagine how much I could sell a whole one for…uh, did I just saw that out loud?"
"OUUUUTT! NEEEEXT!" Palpatine fired a bolt of Force lightning into the floor next to Hondo. He jumped back and ran out of the arena.
Palpatine turned to Bane. "If my fifth candidate doesn't impress me, then Bane, you're going to end up being the Third Brother. But I'm just gonna put this out there in advance: we will not be using the Justifier for our operations. Honestly, I'm still a bit annoyed my generous gift of the Xanadu Blood didn't even last you four years."
"It got shot down in a dogfight over Nevarro," Bane said.
"Well, that's not my problem. Anyway, now for our final auditioner…Naare. Just Naare, I guess. Alright, I'll get right to it. Any former experience with lightsabers or the Force?"
"As a matter of fact, I do," Naare replied. "I trained at the Jedi Temple for two days in 24 BBY before I was expelled for spiking Yoda's food with spice to see what he would sound like high."
"…And?"
"And what?"
"What did he sound like?"
"The same, but worse." She cleared her throat and then did an impression of Yoda's voice. "'Hrrm…. Good feel, not do I. Sleep to go, must now I. Side dark, the dangerous is.' It was hilarious, but no one else seemed to get it."
"HAHA!" Palpatine laughed. "That is HILARIOUS! Someone with a sense of humor; I like it! No one else here's any fun. I could use a change! Everyone thinks I'm all serious and stuff, but that's only because everyone I'm around has a giant stick up their ass. One's sense of humor doesn't shine through much if no one around them has a sense of humor."
"Excuse me, my lord?" Vader asked.
"Shut up!" Palpatine zapped his chest panel with lightning, causing his armor to short-circuit and his limbs to start jerking all over the place. "Naare, you are the new Third Sister. Bane, thanks for trying. You're not really the right…fit for me at this time, but I'll keep your name in a pool of candidates in case we ever need another replacement Inquisitor."
Bane sighed and left the arena. The Grand Inquisitor leaned over the platform's railing and taunted, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out, bounty hunter scum!"
"We don't have swinging doors here, you fool," Palpatine said.
The Grand Inquisitor gave him a haughty look. "I do have a sense of humor, you know. It's just too highbrow for you to understand."
A/N: Hope you enjoyed it! Please review – I'm eager to hear your thoughts on the story!
