"Miss Edda Miss Edda! Tell us again how terrible Zeus is!"

"No, fuck Zeus, tell us again about that bitch Hera!"

"I want to hear the story about Hades kidnapping Persephone again!"

"Ooh ooh ooh! How about when Apollo tried to rape that girl, and then she turned into a tree, and he raped the tree!"

I held up my hands to calm my students. "My Noble Nords, there are plenty of stories of Greeks behaving badly to go around. Let me see. Oh! Have you heard about Sisyphus?"

"Isn't that an STD?" asked Thor.

"No, Thor, that's syphilis, but good job remembering your human STDs! Sisyphus was a human, a Greek King who tried to cheat death!" I said.

"Oooooooooh!" my students said, leaning forward in their seats. I never had their attention more than when I was telling them what a shithole Olympus was. Today they had a heightened interest because it was homecoming. Yesterday we had spent the day putting together our float, a Trojan Horse getting swallowed by Jormungand.

Class ended early today so we could have our parade. Odin and Frigga were going to lead our section astride Sleipnir. Odin put on his golden winged helmet and his best armor and cape. Frigga's golden tiara was decorated with feathers, and she wore a flowing white gown. We lined up outside with the rest of the classes. The dwarven float was leading the pack, a giant cauldron boiling the likeness of Zeus. The elven marching band was practicing "Immigrant Song." They had made a stunning float titled "The Great God Pan is Dead" with the likeness of the cloven-hoofed god impaled on a living tree. Midgard's float depicted the dragon Fafnir atop Mt. Olympus. Jotunheim's float was especially gruesome. It was titled "The Lastrogonians," and it was simply the Jotun class pretending to eat dolls that looked like the Olympians. Mr. Surter was on the float, egging on the fun.

Frey and Freya were going to lead the Vanir class. I remembered Freya was originally a Vanir and had only joined the Aesir due to the Aesir-Vanir war. They were riding Gullinborsti the golden boar. The golden-haired twins were definitely showing off their roles as fertility gods, looking a lot like how people typically drew Adam and Eve. Leaves covered their necessary parts but not much else. Their float was titled "Odysseus Succumbs to the Sirens." They had constructed a gorgeous ship, and one of their students was dressed as Odysseus tied to the mast. The other Vanir were the Sirens surrounding him. When they got close, they splattered fake blood over the whole ship. I enjoyed watching the practice run, and Freya beckoned me over.

"Is this what you are wearing for the parade?" she asked me.

I looked down at my clothes. I was wearing a nice pair of jeans and my homecoming t-shirt. I shrugged. All the teachers were matching, but Freya muttered something and touched my forehead. When I looked down again, I was wearing a silver gown.

"Oh my gosh," I said. "This is beautiful!"

"I'm going to find more men for you to meet," said Freya. "Sorry it's been a while. I was distracted by Od returning for homecoming. I'll definitely look for one today."

"Oh," I said. "Yeah. Thanks."

Tim was supposed to come to the parade and the game today. I knew it was a gamble inviting him to a school event since, according to my students, he was an enemy. But my relationship with Tim wasn't going away, and I didn't want to have to hide him. I loved my students and my school, as weird as it was. But I liked dating Tim. I liked having someone else I could bounce lessons and ridiculous stories off of. Among other things.

I returned to my students who were lining up on our Jormungand float. Thor and Sif were on Jormungand's head, and Thor raised Mjolnir to summon down a lightning strike. I nearly fell over from shock, and they laughed.

"Miss Edda!" I looked down to Jormungand's tail, and if I didn't know better, I'd think there was another float, but it was Tyr atop Fenrir. Fenrir was now too big to fit in my classroom. He was living in Helheim now, still bound by Gleipnir, but Tyr visited him on the regular. "Miss Edda, want to ride with me?" asked Tyr.

"Uhhhh," I said. "I think I'll just get on the float, thanks."

I climbed onto the float and sat behind Sigyn on Jormungand's tail. "Wow, Miss Edda, where did you get that gown?" she asked.

"Freya," I answered.

Sigyn nodded. "You look like one of us!"

As the parade left the school grounds and out through the streets, I contemplated how the people watching might mistake me for a goddess. It was an absurd thought, but Sigyn was right. I did blend in pretty well. The only thing that might give it away was my short brown hair as opposed to most of my students having long blonde hair.

I spotted Tim in the crowd. He was wearing ridiculous plastic Viking horns. I twiddled my fingers at him, and he gave me a giant smile in return.

We circled back around to the school and into the football field. The field was called Ithovaller. I dismounted Jormungand and went with the rest of the teachers into the stands. Some members of the community were already starting to gather. The Greek side of the stadium was heavily populated with nymphs and minor characters. I imagined the team was already assembled in their war room. If I recalled correctly, Odysseus was their head coach. It was mostly a ceremonial role, as the gods were going to do whatever they damn well pleased on the field. That's how Greece rolled. I recognized Principal Homer pacing the field, trying to deter students from starting an orgy, no doubt.

The Asgard teachers sat down near the fifty-yard line, but I saw Tim standing near the top of the field, looking for me. I excused myself from my co-workers to go accompany him.

"Well, I feel extremely underdressed," he laughed.

"My student thought I should look more like them," I said.

"You look fantastic," he said.

I blushed. "Thanks," I said, and I sat down.

He settled in next to me. "So, is this the first you're seeing your old students?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said. "I can't stress enough how much better my new job is."

"How old is Principal Homer?" he asked.

"Only about thirty-something," I said.

"He's completely gray," Tim said, dumbfounded.

"Yep," I said. "That place'll do that to ya."

"Ouch," he said.

"MISS EDDA!"

"No," I whispered. It was Freya. I put my hand on Tim's knee. "I'll be back quickly."

"Okey-dokey," he said.

I sprang up to meet her. "Hey, Freya," I said. "Listen, now's not the best time for..."

"Meet SVEN!"

"Oh, hello..." I stammered. Sven towered over everyone, and he had a perfect chiseled face, sparkling blue eyes, and fluffy blonde hair. Can you call a dude a blonde bombshell? Because damn. Just...damn!

"Sven is Swedish!" Freya cried. "Isn't that perfect? I told him you'd be the best company for today's game. He's very excited to be here! Sven, this is Miss Edda."

"Hallo," he said. It was a cute accent. I couldn't help but melt a little. He even had perfect teeth and big dimples when he smiled. Where was Freyja finding these guys? Each one was better looking than the last!

"Have fun you two!" Freya exclaimed, pushing Sven towards me a little before leaving.

"Hey, Sven," I said.

"Hallo, Miss Edda. You look lovely like a goddess," he said.

"Thanks," I choked. Sven picked up my hand and kissed it. "Sven...ummm..."

"Where is the best place to sit?"

"Sven," I said. "I'm sorry, my student...look, I'm actually here with someone already."

"That's okay," he said. "I am new to town. I am eager to meet new people."

"No, listen," I said. "I'm kind of seeing this person. I think my student gave you the impression that I was single. That's not really true."

"Oh," he said. "Oh, I see."

"She's very sweet, but she is confused," I said. "I'm sorry."

"Is she seeing someone?"

"Is...my student...seeing someone?"

"Oh, sorry. That is probably inappropriate."

"Well," I stammered, remembering all of the wildly inappropriate stories Freya had already told me. I also remembered Od was actually here this week. "It's complicated. But give it a shot."

"Really? Wow, what a great school! Thank you, Miss Edda!"

I watched Sven and his perfect butt walk away. That was inappropriate. I thought. No more inappropriate than her outfit and the way she's throwing male models at me. This is fine.

The game was about to start. The elven pep band and Valkyrie cheerleaders were in full force, and then a familiar voice filled the stadium.

"WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO ITHAVOLLER!"

"Mr. Surter?" I thought aloud. "Rock on! Surter's the announcer."

"WHO'S READY TO KICK SOME GRECIAN ASS?!"

The Asgard side wailed in excitement.

"PREPARE YOUR GRECIAN URNS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ELVES AND DWARVES, GIANTS AND GODS! I JUST SPOKE WITH THE DREAD NORNS, AND IT'S WRITTEN IN THE RUNES, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THIS IS HOMECOMING, AND WE...WILL...RAGNAROK YOU!"

The whole Asgard side of the stadium got to their feet and pounded. Tim laughed. "This guy is really good!"

"He's a great teacher too," I said. "Probably my best friend on the staff, oddly enough. Even though our classes are rivals."

"Rivalry friendships tend to be like that," he said.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE WILL NOW INTRODUCE THE SORRY EXCUSE FOR A PANTHEON THAT WILL HAVE TO BATTLE OUR HEROES TODAY. COACHED BY ODYSSEUS OF ITHACA, THE OLYMPUS-" We could audibly hear him spit here. "-STARTING LINE UP: QUARTERBACK ZEUS!"

Zeus ran onto the field and hurled a lightning bolt over our side of the stadium, prompting some screams.

"POSEIDON!"

Poseidon entered on a wave that dissipated when he arrived at his space beside Zeus.

"HADES!"

Hades appeared from a cavern that spontaneously generated on the field and closed upon his arrival.

"APOLLO, HERMES, HERCULES, ARES, ARTEMIS, HEPHAESTUS, ATHENA, DIONYSUS, NIKE, JANUS, NEMESIS, ACHILLES, EROS, AJAX, AEOLUS, ALASTOR, DEIMOS, HELIOS, KRATOS, AND PAN!"

Asgard booed each one as they entered the field. "Wow," said Tim. "Goddesses and humans on the battlefield?"

"Hah," I said. "Those are no ordinary goddesses and no ordinary people. Achilles might as well be considered a god, since you can't hurt him. Ajax is just a tank. I've got no doubt he can hang with our boys."

And as I said it, the "Immigrant Song" started to play, and Mr. Surter began introducing our team. "YOUR STARTING LINEUP FOR ASGARD: QUARTERBACK ODIN!"

Our team came out of the mouth of the Jormungand float. "BALDER! LOKI! THOR! HEIMDALL! FREY! VIDAR! TYR! VILLE! VE! HOENIR! HERMOD! ULL! NJORD! MANI! HODER! ODR! AEGIR, AND YMIR!"

The game began. The teams lined up along the starting line and immediately began trash talking each other. The ref was a Greek human, an old king named Priam. Priam settled the players, and Odin passed the ball to Hermod. This was our standard move as Hermod was our fastest player. It was hard to discern what happened next. Lightning and water flew around the stadium.

"TACKLE, I THINK," Mr. Surter announced. "YES, HERMOD OF ASGARD HAS FALLEN INTO A HOLE CREATED BY HADES OF GREECE."

It was still our ball. The teams lined up again, and Odin passed the ball. Hermod fell into another hole, but he didn't have the ball. One of our players that I didn't recognize, so I resumed he was of the Vanir or possibly a Jotun, had literally skiied into the endzone.

"FIRST TOUCHDOWN ASGARD BY ULL!"

Now the Greeks had the ball. Zeus passed to Hermes who seemed to play Hermod's role for their team. Hermes was intercepted by Loki, who snatched the ball out of his hands in the form of a falcon.

"WE HAVE AN INTERCEPTION! LOKI OF ASGARD FLIES TOWARD THE ENDZONE!"

At the word "flies," pretty much every Greek god transformed into a bird of some kind, and feathered creatures swarmed Loki. Our boys tried to shoot down the Greek birds while the Greek players who didn't transform fought with our archers. Thor's hammer alone knocked out about half of the birds, then swung around and hit Achilles in the back of the head. Achilles screamed and dropped to the ground.

I stood up in shock. Nothing hurt Achilles; that was just common knowledge at Olympus. Both Coach Odysseus and Coach Smith called for a halt as they and Priam tried to sort out what had happened. Odysseus and Achilles seemed to get into an argument, as Mrs. Smith laughed. Achilles was carried off the field like a swooning Southern belle, a tiny arrow lodged in the back of his foot.

"IN AN UNPRECEDENTED TURN OF EVENTS, ACHILLES OF THE GREEKS IS INJURED BY HODER OF ASGARD!" Mr. Surter announced.

Our side of the stadium exploded in cheers. The student section chanted, "HODER!"

"Wait, isn't that the blind one?" Tim asked.

"That's right!" I exclaimed. "He's actually a really good aim."

Asgard scored another touchdown, and I could tell Olympus was getting pissed. They took a time out before regrouping at the starting line. Zeus passed the ball to Apollo who attempted a hand-off to Hermes, but Loki whipped up a wind that blew the ball off course. Loki largely overshot, though, and the ball blew right into the Olympus student section.

Priam stopped the game so they could retrieve the ball.

"WHAT'S THIS?" Mr. Surter said. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I JUST GOT WORD THAT THE FLYING FOOTBALL HAS MORTALLY WOUNDED AN OLYMPUS STUDENT!"

"What?!" we exclaimed. The entire stadium gasped and murmured in shock. Medics rushed into the Olympus student section, and a young man was carried away on a stretcher.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN," Mr. Surter said solemnly, "LET US PAUSE THE GAME TO HONOR THE FALLEN HYACINTHUS. STAFF AND COACHES ARE DECIDING NOW HOW TO APPROPRIATELY PROCEED."

At the mention of Hyacinthus, Apollo let out a horrible wail and ran off the field after Hyacinthus. "Oh no," I said. "I think that was one of his boyfriends."

"Boyfriend?" Tim asked.

"Oh yes," I said. "Apollo had many boyfriends and girlfriends. Most of them do, actually."

"No shit?" Tim said. "That's oddly progressive of them."

"Yeah, it sounds nice," I said. "But 'consent' isn't a really popular concept with them. Plus, it lead to a lot of classroom orgies."

"Yeah...that's...that's not good, yeah," said Tim.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN," said Mr. Surter, "WE HAVE DECIDED THE GAME WILL CONTINUE, AND WE WILL MOVE INTO MONSTER MODE!"

"Ohhh hell yeah!" Tim cried. "Greece has the best monsters! You can't deny that."

"Woah, we have a student who rides a giant wolf," I said.

"GREECE HAS CHOSEN TYPHON!" Mr. Surter announced.

"HOLY FUCK SHIT!" I shouted. "That is not necessary, Greece!"

"Wait, what's...HOLY FUCK SHIT!" Tim echoed me when he saw Typhon. Typhon was the biggest of all Greece's big bads. He was a huge muscular giant with enormous bat wings, multiple serpents for legs, all with individual, terrible heads. "They did not come to play," Tim said.

"No, they did not," I said. "Fuck...okay...well, we still have a lot of good qualities, and Fenrir is much bigger than the last time, so..."

"ASGARD HAS CHOSEN UTGARD!" Mr. Surter announced.

The Asgard student section went wild. I didn't know Utgard, and when I saw him, I must say, I was not impressed. He looked just like a regular Jotun student to me. Greece obviously wasn't impressed either, as they all laughed in our students' faces when Utgard entered the field. But I paid close attention to Odin, who stood completely composed and a little bit smug. I smiled. We had this. Somehow, someway, we had this.

Olympus still had the ball. Zeus passed it to Hermes, and events played out much as they had been despite the presence of Typhon. Hermes raced across the field, and our boys attempted to tackle him. Utgard went straight to meet Typhon, and Typhon beat the living daylights out of Utgard. Asgard got to their feet and cried out in shock. Priam and Odysseus even looked concerned, but Mrs. Smith shook her head at them. In fact, none of our team seemed concerned, despite the fact that the entire stadium was shaking as if in an earthquake.

Hermes scored a touchdown, but hardly anyone cared. What had drawn everyone's attention, after the dust settled, was Utgard, standing completely unharmed in the center of the field.

"What the fuck," said Tim in awe.

Asgard's fans leapt to their feet in excitement. You'd have thought we'd just scored the winning touchdown. Who was this Utgard, and how the hell did he do that?

"TOUCHDOWN BY HERMES OF OLYMPUS," said Mr. Suter. "BUT GET A LOAD OF UTGARD! LET'S HEAR IT, ASGARD!"

"UTGARD! UTGARD! UTGARD! UTGARD!" we chanted.

"ASGARD HAS THE BALL," Mr. Surter narrated. "I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!"

I was literally on the edge of my seat. Odin threw the ball, and Utgard caught it in a sack before running to the endzone. Typhon easily intercepted him and took the ball, then stopped and tried to untie the sack. It appeared he couldn't do it. Tyr easily swiped the sack back from Typhon, tossed it to Hermod, and Hermod scored a touchdown.

"TOUCHDOWN ASGARD BY HERMOD!" Mr. Surter announced. "WHAT IS UP WITH THIS SACK?"

Odysseus called a time out. He ordered the sack brought to him. One by one, the students of Olympus tried and failed to open the sack. Odysseus gestured in frustration to Mrs. Smith, who shrugged. Asgard's students were laughing at them. Olympus went back in, leaving the ball in the sack.

"I GUESS WE ARE NOW PLAYING WITH THE BALL IN A SACK," Mr. Surter said. "Teehee. ZEUS PASSES HIS BALL SACK TO HERMES, AND IT LOOKS LIKE UTGARD IS OFFERING FOOD TO THE OLYMPUS CHEERLEADERS. WHAT A SWELL GUY! HERMES IS TACKLED BY THOR OF ASGARD, BUT THE BALL SACK REMAINS SECURELY WITH OLYMPUS."

But everyone was watching the Olympus cheerleaders. Utgard had presented them a trough of fruits, bread, and cheeses. They began to eat, but then an Asgard student rushed past them, and all of the food was gone. The student let out a giant belch before returning to the Asgard student section.

"IT APPEARS LOGI OF ASGARD WAS HUNGRIER THAN THE OLYMPUS CHEERLEADERS. WHAT A SHAME, WHAT A SHAME. OH WELL. WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH OUR BALL SACK? ZEUS PASSES TO HERMES, HERMES SCORES A TOUCHDOWN AND DISPLAYS HIS BALL SACK PROUDLY FOR ALL TO SEE!"

"Dammit, Surter," I said. "If he doesn't let up, Thor is going to be incapacitated from giggling."

"IT IS NOW ASGARD'S BALL SACK," said Surter. "ODIN PASSES TO HUGI. TOUCHDOWN ASGARD!"

"Wait, what?!" I cried. Everyone else was in the same confusion. Hugi seemed to disappear and then reappear in the endzone in an instant.

"Must be more magic," said Tim. "It seems like you guys have taken a play out of our book. All of your plays have been magical since Utgard entered the field."

"So Utgard is a master magic user," I said. "This is indeed very interesting! Typhon is too confused to do anything."

Olympus was extremely frustrated. The next play began with Utgard handing Typhon a horn of ale, which Typhon accepted despite Odysseus's very loud protests. Typhon spent the next three plays drinking while Asgard scored two more touchdowns. Typhon threw the alehorn in frustration, and then Odysseus had to call a time out so that the great giant could pee.

The next play, a cat wandered onto the field, and no member of the Olympus team could make it move. Even Typhon couldn't pick up the cat.

By the time Zeus lost a wrestling match to a random old woman from our stands, the game was over. Asgard had swept Olympus, leaving the Greeks angry and utterly confused.

We joined my coworkers for appetizers and drinks at a brewery after the game. Mrs. Smith locked eyes with Tim, and I internally cursed. How could I forget, even my coworkers had it out for Tim!

But my fears were unfounded. Mrs. Smith smiled. "Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in."

"Did he drag it by the ball sack?" Mr. Surter laughed, and Mrs. Smith smacked him playfully.

"Good game, Mrs. Smith," said Tim politely. "I hope you don't mind. Miss Edda said I could join you."

"Of course," said Mrs. Smith. She was in an excellent mood. "Sit down, both of you. I was just about to explain everything."

"About Utgard?" I asked. "It was amazing."

"Utgard," said Mr. Surter, "is the most incredible magic user in the whole school."

"It was Loki's idea to use him," said Mrs. Smith. "So, when Typhon thought he was beating up Utgard, he was actually beating up a mountain."

"What? How?" I asked.

"Magic," said Mr. Surter.

"You remember the rumbling? Yeah, that's' because Utgard was causing Typhon's blows to hit the Appalachians."

"Wait, so," I started. We looked in horror at the TV, which displayed the words "BREAKING NEWS! EARTHQUAKES IN THE APPALACHIANS DEVASTATE!"

"Mrs. Smith," Snorri started, "I must discourage you from using such tactics again."

"Ahhh, it was homecoming! And we won!" Mrs. Smith declared proudly. "Anyways, the sack."

"The ball sack," Mr. Surter corrected.

"Yes, the ball sack," Mrs. Smith said with a giggle. "It was bound with magic iron. No one can open it except with the correct spell. Let's see...what else did we do? Logi was actually fire, Hugi was Thought."

"Hugi was what?" asked Mr. Pewter.

"Thought," said Mrs. Smith. "That's why he moved so fast. Nothing can outrun Thought. The alehorn was draining the ocean."

"THE OCEAN?!" Snorri cried.

"I think what you meant to say is 'you're welcome,'" said Mrs. Smith. "Sea levels are rising at an alarming rate due to global warming. We're looking at a viable solution here." Snorri groaned. "The cat was the Midgard serpent, and the old lady was Age."

"What?" I asked.

"Age, with a capital A," said Mrs. Smith. "It claims us all, eventually." The first round of beers arrived, and Mrs. Smith leaned back in her chair, drinking and taking in her victory like a gangster.

"MISS EDDA!"

"Oh no," I gasped. "Freya!"

I got out of my seat to go meet her, but she was already standing directly behind me. "Miss Edda, I am sorry it didn't work out with Sven, but I found you another man-"

"Freya, we need to talk," I said. "Let's step outside."

"His name is Devan. He's tall, dark, and handsome-oh, hi, Timmy."

"Please just call me Tim," said Tim.

Freya looked back and forth between me and Tim. "Miss Edda," Freya said. "You are with Timmy?"

"Uhh, yeah," I said. I crossed my arms. "I am with Timmy."

"Ummm, why?" she asked.

"Because," I started. "Because we are dating."

Freya made one of those squeaky noises a teenage girl makes when she's been slighted. "Miss Edda! You are sleeping with the enemy!"

"Woah, that's...let's not..." Tim started.

"Yes, Freya, I am sleeping with the enemy," I said.

Freya made the noise again.

"Oh, okay, I guess that's on the table," said Tim.

"Miss Edda! I thought we talked about this! Please, just meet Devan. He is much better," said Freya.

"No," I said. "I don't care what kind of goddess you are. You're the student, I'm the teacher, and you don't get to tell me who I can and cannot sleep with! I don't want to meet Devan, or Alejandro, or Chris Hemsworth, or...well...maybe...NO! I'm dating Timmy, and you're just going to have to deal with it!"

I sat back down. Tim was bright red. My coworkers were wide-eyed and slack-jawed.

"Miss Edda," Freya started.

"Freya," I said bitterly.

"I am so proud of you!"

"Huh?" I said, turning around. Freya threw her arms around me. "You are a strong, badass Viking warrior woman who takes what she wants! Good for you! I hope you and Timmy have a long and passionate relationship! I can't wait to tell the rest of the class!"

Freya scampered away. "Thank you! Wait! What are you telling them? Because I might have said some things that students don't need to know about their teachers! Ahhh crap."