Lysithea – Irrational Feelings
A/N It's been a while. I want to first thank ShadowBlade444 for not only inspiring me to write something related to Fire Emblem, but also to get back into writing in general. It's been hard, and with a laptop on its last legs, I don't know how often I will be able to post, but I managed to find enough motivation to write this. I hope you enjoy, and please go read ShadowBlade444's story, Our Professor, which heavily inspired this. I might come back to League stories later, I certainly have ideas for stories, but for now, am enjoying Fire Emblem. Thank you all, and I hope you enjoy. Take care.
No matter how many times she read and reread the same section of text, it just didn't seem to make sense. Not that she didn't understand the complicated words or the sentences those words formed, it was just that...nothing seemed to stick. No sooner than when the knowledge was taken in that it seemed to depart. Having already read the same paragraph at least a dozen times by now, perhaps even more, Lysithea couldn't help but grow annoyed.
She breathed in deeply through her nose, taking a moment to compose herself once more. It wouldn't due to have her be so overly emotional. She must be collected. Mature. Only, right now, she was anything but.
In truth, she knew the cause for her lack of attention, but, thinking of it only served to exacerbate her annoyance. That is why she threw herself into her studies. Well, not the only reason, in truth. She knew that she would find herself here, in the library, regardless of...him. Thinking of their encounter only made the embarrassment burn brighter, and not even her studies seemed to be able to distract her from the dizzying emotions she felt, the events replaying in her head again and again, much to her chagrin.
"W-would you escort me to my room?" The words had only just left her lips before she registered exactly what she had said. And, more importantly, to whom she said it to. Her face grew red, and her mind raced as her professor looked to her with a raised brow. "What with all that has been happening lately! I mean, it would only be courteous for you to accompany! Yes, lest something happen, you can't be too careful! N-n-not that I'm incapable of defending myself, mind you, it is just that…" Oh, Lysithea, what is wrong with you? Getting flustered like a child! Surely two mature individuals needn't fall to a simple misunderstanding?
"I don't mind," came his simple response. Ah, yes. Of course. Here she was, fretting over nothing. If it were anyone else than perhaps her loss of composure would be more understandable, but, why should she get worked up? He was her professor, a man of what seemed to be infinite composure. Even if there was reason, he was certainly a collected and understanding man. Yes, no reason at all to fret. And yet…
She couldn't help but chide herself internally.
He offered her his arm, which she took, albeit slightly abashed. Regardless of how she reasoned it, however, it did nothing to stay the blush from her cheeks. He was a good man. She knew this much, at least. But regardless of how understanding a man Byleth was, he was still her professor, and being this close to him, this late at night, and for him to be accompanying her to the dorms, it seemed so...unseemly! Even if this is how she felt, Lysithea was not one to venture alone at night. As much as she hated to admit it, there were...things that would go bump in the night.
She knew tales of spirits and such were little more than bedside freights meant to make children behave. And while she most certainly was not a child, she couldn't help but find herself more jumpy at night, irrational as it may be.
Regardless of how she felt, however, Lysithea's fear won out over her embarrassment. As they walked, Byleth noticed her getting closer to him, clutch his arm tighter and seem to shake ever slightly. As brave a face as the girl would make and the venom she would spit when called out on her more childish moments, the fact remained she was still but a girl, young and scared.
"What were you doing in the library so late?" he asked, direct and to the point. "Huh? Uh...ahem. I was studying, of course," she replied, finding the words needed to respond.
"Oh? But so late though? I didn't think the work I assigned would be enough to warrant that." He continued on, engaging her in conversation, slowly getting her attention off whatever it was that was bothering her.
"No no no, the work you assigned was sufficiently challenging. It didn't take long to finish, in fact. No, I was in the library doing some...personal studies." Ah yes, her 'personal studies.' Byleth of course knew of her rather studious tenancies, albeit lacking the subject or reason why. What he does know of his student, however, is how such personal matters are, to her, personal for a reason. He had seen her outbursts of rudeness. As a mercenary, he learned to traverse dangerous situations, learned to be flexible.
He won't press on for more information, not unless she offered it. "You know," he began, "I was a bit nervous starting out as a professor." A simple yet effective tactic. One used not only on the battlefield, but in fishing as well as many other aspects of life. Opening up to his student, he set the bait. "Really, professor? You were?" And just like that, he lured her in.
"Hmm," he nodded, "all I had to my name was my experiences being a mercenary. Yes, there are things I picked up, tactics and whatnot, but, to actually be responsible for you and the Golden Deers education, well, it certainly seemed a challenge."
"Heh, seemed a challenge? You do realize just who the Golden Deer are, do you professor? Why, if I had to venture a guess, I'd have thought you picked this class specifically because it seemed so easy."
Byleth couldn't help but to smile seeing his student become more lively. This was the Lysithea he knew. "Yes, well, while the Golden Deer certainly seem more lax compared to the other houses, I feel it is also much more...approachable, let us say."
"Approachable?" She questioned? He gave a hum. Lysithea's attention was on him rather than the darkness around them. Turning to look at him, her grip on his arm loosening slightly. "I suppose you could say, there wasn't a worry about struggling with any sort of 'power dynamic'. While there is some...prideful students in the bunch, for the most part, you all are rather open and warm. Claude was right when he said the Golden Deer had its own charm."
Of course Claude would say that, Lysithea thought. In truth, to her it seemed as if they were a group of misfits. They certainly didn't seem to hold as much prestige as the Black Eagles or the Blue Lions. At least, to her, that's how it seemed. But, something about the professor saying it seemed to make her smile warmly. Perhaps it was because he was an honest man? If he said that about them, then, there's no way it wasn't true. That's how she felt. That, or, she just couldn't believe in someone as infuriating and as flippant as Claude.
"But yes," he continued, drawing her attention once more, "it is a rather easy class to teach." She had to rub her eyes to make sure she saw correctly; a rare smile graced the lips of her stoic professor. "As I said, while there is pride to be found, it isn't a hindrance. While Leonie might be somewhat competitive, it offers great drive. Lorenz thinks himself a foil to Claude, but in truth, both are similar in many aspects; especually when it comes to teaching them."
"Oh?" Lysithea questioned, intrigued and urging him on. "While each have their own way of doing things, as well as conducting themselves, they both learn much from newfound perspectives." Lysithea could only nod, coming to the realization that the professor was correct. While both occupied opposite sides of a spectrum, neither were stubborn enough to not take account of how others could and would operate. Both were, in their own right, clever.
"While I worry with how quiet and withdrawn Marianne can be, I can tell she listens, along with Ignatz. They are both invested enough that I can say assuredly that there won't be a problem with them. As for Hilda and Raphael...it is more a matter of making it be more trouble than its worth for them to not take their studies seriously enough. At least I can say Raphael is willing to put in the work, if not struggle with it, but with Hilda...well, I'm sure she wouldn't enjoy supplementary lessons on her days off."
Lysithea couldn't help but to chuckle. It seemed like he had them all figured out. But, there was one name not on his list. "And me?" she pressed.
Byleth stopped in his tracks, catching Lysithea off guard. It was then that she noticed just where they were. Removing herself from his arm, she stared at the entrance to the dorms. "You, Lysithea," he said, catching her attention once more. She turning to look up to him, "I've no need to worry for you. You are mature enough for me to know that, in the end, there is just no need for it. Much alike tonight. If anything, I think maybe you work a bit too hard." He smiled softly, causing another blush to appear on her cheeks.
"Ahem," she coughed, clearing her throat before puffing out her chest. "Well, of course, Professor! It wouldn't be right to worry you! I-"
"In that case," he cut her off, "do make sure you take care of yourself." She seemed to deflate. After all, she was about to speak of how mature she was, how much more mature she was compared to the others, troublemakers, the lot of them. They worried her- their professor. "I've no reason to worry for you, but that doesn't mean that I won't. Some things...are just like that… You are very bright, Lysithea, so take care of yourself. It wouldn't do for you to burn out. But, regardless of whether you will or not, well...I will always be here to look over you."
She could only nod, her gaze downcast at his words. He had chided her, like she was some...child. But, he wasn't wrong. She does overwork herself, enough to make her lose all track of time and find herself across campus in the midst of night. Regardless of her habit of burning the candle at both ends, however...it is not as though there is much of a candle to burn. That is why, she thought, she must do all she can, must do so with what limited time she had. There was so much to do, so much to accomplish...and so little time...before her life would burn out.
She parted her lips to say as much, to tell her professor, to let loose the floodgates that held all her secrets and the pain of her experiences. But she couldn't so much as look him in the eyes. She bit her tongue, trying her hardest to keep herself composed before him. She had already caused him enough trouble. From the childish ways that she would act...to the worry she caused for him. This burden of hers isn't for him to carry.
The two parted after exchanging farewells. And no sooner had she made herself to her bed than Lysithea broke down.
Since then, he has been on her mind. She couldn't help but to think of him. She would think of telling him, but would rationalize that thought away. After all, her fate is set, there is nothing that he could do to help her situation. But still, that want to share persisted. Like her fear of ghosts and the professor's worry, there was no reason for it, but, that didn't matter. After all, the feelings...just existed…
No...they didn't just exist. There was a reason, a reason why she wants to tell him so badly. Even if there was nothing they could do to stop the inevitable...she just wanted him to know. She just didn't want to be alone. She thought of him, of telling him, but the more she thought, the more the idea seemed nice...to have someone care enough to worry for her...to, perhaps, miss her when she was gone. Maybe he would even be there for her at her end. She would like that, to die in his presence, to know she wasn't alone. And on and on the thoughts went, just thoughts of him, until eventually, she realized what had happened.
She had fallen for him.
A groan escaped from her slumped form, Lysithea losing even the will to retain posture. A sudden voice beside her cause her to bolt upright, surprised. "What seems to be troubling you today?" Her eyes flew open, and her head snapped to the source of the noise, only to be met with the sight of a figure as slumped over as she was not even a second prior. Green hair fell in the way of his eyes, but Linhardt made no action to remove it.
"Linhardt!?" she exclaimed, "What are you doing here?"
"Could you not be so loud," he seemed to yawn, slowly sitting up in his chair. Extending his arms, he seemed to give out a soft groan as he stretched. "It's almost like you have no respect for the library with how you are." At the comment, Lysithea opened her mouth, ready to strike back, catching herself just before so as not to repeat the mistake. Much as she hated to admit it, he was right in implying it was rude to be so loud in a place such as this.
In a much more respectable volume, she bit back. "Coming from a slacker who naps in the library, you've room to judge me, especially when you're at fault for my surprise." Linhardt couldn't help but give a soft chuckle, holding his hands up as if in defeat. The lighthearted nature of the gesture, and to an extent, the man himself, only seemed to irk her.
"Fair enough. I will have you know, however, that I truly do respect this place. Yes, I will admit I sleep here quite a bit, after all it is the perfect place to sneak away to. Always so quiet and peaceful, it is the perfect environment not just to work hard, but to relax." His eyes narrowed as he settled into a more comfortable position, his chin resting in hand and elbow to the hardwood table. "At least, most times it is."
Was he accusing her of something, she thought. But, no sooner than her brows furrowed in anger did he just come out and say it in full. "Your little...I don't know what to call them...tantrums? No, that's not it...whatever seems to be going on with you...it seems to be rather...distracting." The way the sleepy man spoke with a light tone, whatever venom he had seemed to dissipate. Or, perhaps, there was never really any there to begin with, and Lysithea was just defensive. "So then," he continued, "what seems to be on your mind?"
From anger to surprise, she couldn't get a good read on him. "I didn't peg you to be someone concerned for others."
"I'm not," he responded plainly, "or rather...I guess it's more apt to say, I don't tend to care enough to get involved with others problems. It just," he inhale, yawning out the last of his statement, "it all seems like too much work." Ah, of course, how could she not have seen it sooner? It was so obvious. He was just another slacker.
"So then, why care enough to ask," she was back to being defensive. Linhardt gave a hum, "I don't know. You've been here a lot recently, more than I, in fact, but every time I see you, you just always look so...tragic. No, perhaps that is too romantic of a word, it is almost like you are tortured by whatever it is that is going on." Her heart seemed to sink at his word choice, a chill running up her spine. "Yes, I will admit, you are definitely disturbing my nap time. But, truly, it seems that whatever seems to torment you is most certainly something serious for it to persist so long. I guess even I have a heart, or moreover, a limit to how much I can stand before I have to at least attempt to help."
She was speechless. Truly, she did not know what to say. Linhardt could see in her crimson eyes, she seemed, almost panicked. "Ah, I see," he said, and even that little, with no implication of what it meant, seemed to make her anxiety intensify, her body seeming to tremble, if only slightly. "Does this have anything to do with your fear of the dark?"
Her mind seemed to grind to a screeching halt. Her mouth fell open, as if to say something, but rather than give voice, it remained silent, leaving her gaping like a fish. Linhardt couldn't help but to smile. He awaited her revival, "Wha-how dare you, I- no, I am NOT afraid of the dark! How childish do you think I am!" Ah, there she was. "You are just like the rest of them, always looking down on me! Why, I never!"
After a short fit of laughing, Linhardt once again raised his hands in mock surrender, apologizing profusely. Lysithea could only stew in her rage. "My apologies, it is just, that is quite a reaction. You know, you shouldn't feel so bad for such fears. Why, I know of others with the same phobia, some are even enrolled here with us."
"Truly!?" she asked, perhaps with a bit too much energy. She gave a cough as she composed herself, tinged with slight embaressment. "Yes, truly! Regardless, however, you lot are still in the minority, but, I think it nice to know that others face the same troubles. Now, about the real troubles that seem to plague you, I can't say anything about." Lysithea sensed the shift in conversation, the lighthearted conversation seemed all too serious considering who she was talking to. Her body tensed.
"I'm afraid, it is beyond me to help you. Not that I don't want to mind you, it is just...not my field of expertise, I'm afraid. Perhaps you can ask Professor Eisner?" Her heart seemed to skip a beat at even his mention. "Why, I myself am on my way to meet with him soon, would you like to tag along?"
"I...no, I think I am alright here. Thank you for the offer. And, for talking with me. To be honest, what has been troubling me...is nothing. Just...something silly… something childish. While I agree you certainly aren't good at handling personal situations like this, you have, in fact helped me. I feel...better, having talked to you, getting my mind off all of it."
"I see...I'm happy to have been of some help" A genuine, albeit small smile graced his lips as he stood from the table. Before he could depart however, Lysithea couldn't help her curiosity, asking why he was going to speak with her teacher. His smile seemed to grow wider, "Why, to see about joining the Golden Deer, of course."
"I'm sure you'd fit right in." And with that, the two parted ways, Linhardt leaving Lysithea to herself in the library. She was sure she would be seeing a lot more of him again, and to that, she couldn't tell if that was a good thing, or bad. She gave a drawn out sigh before turning to her books. Picking one up, she began once more with her studies.
She knew what she was going to do. What she always intended. What little time she had left...she couldn't devote it to anyone. Not when there was much she needed to do.
Even if, deep down, she knew she wanted to. She knew she wanted the professor. Knew she wanted Byleth. But, perhaps, this was for the best.