That's how I stood by your side
Така останах до теб
Your face, placed on the pillow, is sad again in the morning. I know. You still have your mask on, but I know. I know well enough how your face features look under that mask. You showed me your face some time ago, then you continued to show it to me every day. If you could just know how much I love your face…and your small dimple on your left cheek, the one that no one else even suspects about.
I want to touch you so much, to caress you. I want to bury my fingers in your shaggy untamable hair. You haven't cut your hair since then, have you? You want to preserve something from me… I know. And I could still call out the memory of your hair's touch. Can you remember my hair?
Your hand is laying down peacefully near your head… You wounded it yesterday, it is bruised now, but you never cared to bandage can't I take care of your hand? Why can't I scold you for not being responsible to yourself? Wait - I can do that! But… You won't be able to hear me, will you? I am terrified by the blood stains on the sheets but you don't seem to mind them. It doesn't matter to you… Why? Because of me? Because I am not there to shout at you, to cry out, to hug you…?
A hug… I miss your hugs the most. I miss the sensation of your chest and the way I could bury my face in it. And if I wanted to, I could stay cuddled, listening to your breathing and your heartbeats. I could hear them even now, if I listen really carefully… But you can't possibly hear my heartbeats… You can't possibly sense when I take a breath… How long has it been since I took my last breath? How long has it been since my heart stopped? Do you remember? I can't recall it anymore…
Well, I miss other things as well… I miss your lips' touch, your skin… I miss the way you take a sharp breath when I do something daring. I miss your laugh… Hey, how long has it been since you laughed for the last time? You haven't since I went out of your life. You cry when nobody's looking. But I am looking at you and I am in pain because I know your tears are for me…
And so it turns out it doesn't matter if we are together, my dear. It turned out that time didn't cure our heart wounds, I can tell yours is still bleeding even after that much time. It turned out that it is not true that "men don't cry" - you are the only man for me and I have seen you crying hundreds of times. And it is not true that love just passes away. I do not even have a heart now, but I still love you so impossibly much every single day. Your love for me is still that strong as well. But I want you to forget about me, I want you to hug someone else, to hear "I love you", to smile again!
When the time passed… I was ready to go and to leave you, so I could wait for you in our little paradise, somewhere… I walked after you on the hill where you go every day and sat down on my own grave to look at you for the very last time. I told you everything. I told you I won't be mad if you find someone else to love. I told you that I wanted to give you a child, but I can't do that anymore. But I want someone else to do that. And I am going to take care of that child, because even if it is not mine, it will be yours and I will love it. You didn't hear… You didn't hear a single word of what I told you… Instead there were tears running down your sides again, causing me pain. Then you stopped me, you dear fool… You tied me with a rope to yourself… I knew that, but you said it out loud and didn't let me leave…
"I still love you… Sakura…"
That's how I stood by your side…