Kom Foulau Osa Na Gyon Up

Bell,

I hope against hope that this letter reaches you.

I need you to know that you were right.

There was a darkness in me, but Diyoza helped me pass that darkness.
It's behind me now.

I need you to know that I finally understand all you did to protect me, watch over me, love me.
I wish I could thank you.

By the time you get this, if you get this, I'll probably be an old lady or dead.

I want you to know that I was happy.

I have Hope.

Diyoza is a pain in the ass, but I love her, like I love you.

You deserve to be happy big brother.

Always Yours

Octavia

Prologue

_ PRESENT / SKYRING _

"Did you find anything?"

Clarke's voice reached him from behind and took him out of his reverie. He hid the piece of paper he was still holding in his hand, he didn't know why he felt the need to do that.

Clarke stood right in front of him now, looking at him questioningly, still waiting for him to answer.

"Uhm…" he stuttered "no…" he looked around and then back at Clarke sighing "Actually…" he admitted showing her the piece of paper he felt so attached to now even if he had found out about its existence just seconds before.

Clarke took the piece of old paper his friend was showing him and she started reading the words elegantly written on it, curious about what it could contain that made his friend initially lie to her.

As soon as she read the first word she knew who the letter was from. Only one person called him Bell.

"She was here" she exclaimed looking up from the letter while her face brightened up at the thought, but one look at his friend's face made her cast aside her enthusiasm for the moment "It's a good thing Bellamy" she told him putting a hand on his arm reassuringly.

Bellamy just nodded taking back the letter from Clarke's hand and looking at it as if he didn't know what to do with it now that he got it back. Put it in his pocket seemed disrespectful or something. His sister wrote those words to say goodbye, at least that is what it sounded like to him and thinking about that overwhelmed him. He couldn't stop to think about when he told her that she was on her own, she had been a complete mess, angry at the world and letting her emotions getting the best of her and putting everyone in danger. He had to do it even if that meant that could be the last time he ever saw her. But it hadn't been, he had seen her again and he hadn't been welcoming at all even after seeing a big change in her. It had just been so difficult for him to accept that maybe, just maybe, he had finally gotten his sister back. But she kept showing him glimpses of the old Octavia again and again and he had warmed up to the idea until he had lost her again.

He couldn't think about that, not right now. He looked up and noticed Clarke still standing in front of him with understanding in her eyes and a little bit of...he didn't know exactly what it was but he sure didn't like it. It looked like pity.

That was the moment he finally put the letter inside one of the pockets in his jacket and regain some composure before saying "So what now?"

Clarke stayed silent for a beat, letting him recompose himself. She knew this must have been hard for him, especially considering the fact that things hadn't been great between the two siblings for a while now.

Clarke had always loved the way those two were able to hurt each other and forgive each other all in the span of one second. It was a bond she could never fully comprehend being an only child, but in all the time spent together she had just enjoyed watching it unfold from afar.

The good and the bad.

Clarke knew Bellamy carried heavy on his shoulders the decision to cast Octavia out after their arrival on Sanctum, then things had gotten better apparently between them only for Bellamy to lose her again in the end. She hadn't witness either of those moments between them, so she didn't know if things were completely fine with them now, but she was sure that they still had lot to talk about and she understood Bellamy's frustration at finding his sister only for her to disappear again under his own eyes.

To be honest though she didn't know what to say to Bellamy to try and ease his burden about the way he handled the situation with his sister. In part she knew that Bellamy did the right thing in casting Octavia out as soon as they arrived on Sanctum. Octavia had been a danger to all of them, but when she had find out that her brother had decided to leave her to handle things on her own, well her first thought had gone to all those times she had done something and got judged for it but Bellamy had been there for her.

Would she have been able to handle those moments in her life without his forgiveness, his approval, his friendship and kind words of encouragement? She didn't think so.

But it looked like Octavia was able to overcome it, at least the letter seemed to have been written by someone that had found some peace, in some form.

She had always admired the brunette strength and force of will, something nobody would expect from a girl kept hidden under the floor, protected from the world in a way, well maybe an unhealthy way, or better yet the ark way.

Still she was strong and resilient and falling in love with Lincoln, learning to live like a grounder and embracing their culture made her even more so. It also broke her to the point of no return and Clarke could understand heartbreak all so well, but there was just something in the brunette's eyes after Lincoln died. Something sometimes Clarke could see in her own eyes looking back at her in the mirror. A sadness that just won't go away, a void nobody could ever fill again. Losing Lexa had done that to her, same way as it had been for Octavia with Lincoln, but she was Clarke Griffin, Wanheda, she couldn't afford wallowing in her own grief. So she pushed through and now, after so many years, it was easier even when it still hurt.

Octavia had to do that too, one battle after another, one crisis to deal with after another and never a moment to stop and mourn those who died leaving them behind to miss them.

"There was a darkness in me…" Octavia's words rang so true to Clarke, a darkness built death after death, loss after loss, pain after pain and that descend into darkness she also knew it well. Hard to come out of, for sure.

Her escape had been Madi, her ray of sunshine for 6 years before the fight and the struggle began again. Octavia didn't find an escape during those 6 years, only pure darkness feeding the darkness she already held in her heart before getting locked underground again.

She couldn't fault her, she knew that sometimes you just have to do what needs to be done and making those decisions makes people despite you, hate you, judge you and abandon you. But she always had her mom by her side and Bellamy and now Madi.

Octavia got the short end of the stick. Losing her mother, at fault for giving birth to her, then losing her lover at the hands of those people she never really felt a part of and losing her brother in the process because of it.

When Clarke saw her, entering the bunker eager to see her mother again after so long, she was speechless cause it looked like the great Skairipa had lost herself too at some point during those 6 years and those months after opening what Bellamy had called Pandora's Box had just been proof of that. She had tried to make her friend understand, to make her see the light, to get her to let go of that control she was holding on to for dear life, but she also had Madi to think about and nothing else mattered. So she let go. She abandoned her too.

"You wrote me off" that was what the Blodreina projection in her mind had told her, what she had confessed to herself actually. She did leave Octavia behind in more than one occasion, but what she had told her, what she had told herself was true: she did care about her.

But here she was now, looking for her only because she needed her. So what did that say about her?

Clarke didn't want to think about that, couldn't think about it. She was Clarke Griffin and she had a job to do.

Bellamy was looking at her waiting as usual for her to tell him what to do, to give him a solution, a plan to follow to solve their problems. So she did.

"Now we find her" she told him with a confidence in her voice she didn't have, but she delivered anyway for his sake "Now we get her back"