AN

This is my very first fanfic so forgive me if I do make mistakes, took me a bit before getting my confidence high enough to post this. Actually had this in my drafts for 2 years now. Hopefully you guys enjoy this as I've enjoyed so many on this site and yes...

Any and all reviews are welcome, but I will be ignoring the flames.

Also bare in mind Harry is going to be drunk from chapter 1 right up until chapter 3...maybe even 4...

Last but not least, special thanks to Deja for editing this... Appreciate you!

Chapter One

31st July 1998, 10.30am

As I sit in Sirius' old room, at Grimmauld Place, my mind starts to drift to the last month of mourning. After the 'Battle of Hogwarts', as the Daily Prophet has named it, families were in a frenzy checking up on their loved ones, arranging their funerals and reuniting with muggle-borns who were in hiding. I tried my best to attend as many funerals as possible but damn, it got just too emotionally exhausting for me. Hermione told me it was a noble thought on my part but unreasonable as I have my own trauma and losses to deal with. If Hermione said it then I guess it must be true, right?

I glance at the pocket watch given to me by Mr and Mrs Weasley, after gently placing the glass of translucent but gold-coloured liquid. I say to myself, "I guess it's time to go then. I hope I'm alive by the end of this meeting."

CRACK!

I apparate to the furthest point I can, to the bottom of Gringotts' stairs.

Well, let the fuck-fest begin. I start to walk confidently up the stairs as I can feel everyone's eyes stare at me. As I moved past the two goblins guarding the entrance (I swear they were smirking at me, cheeky bastards) an ancient looking goblin approaches dressed in formal robes, with two more goblins on either side of him.

Why are they smirking?

Why are they carrying axes?

"Mr Potter, follow me," said the goblin at the centre. "You have a meeting with Gringotts Head Goblin Redclaw."

I nod as he led me to an ornate side door which opened to a beautifully decorated hallway with multiple doors running along it.

Yup. I'm about to die a virgin. RIP to me.

I continue following the trio of goblins to the end of the hallway until we reach a stone door, larger than the rest of the doors, before the middle goblin turns to me.

"Your wand Mr Potter," he said before motioning to both the guards to step forward to retrieve it.

I handover my holly wand.

They can't possibly know, can they?

"Now the other wand if you would."

Ah fuck, they know.

I handover my hawthorn wand.

"Excellent, now you may enter. Grohork and Reek will be waiting with your wands and will be returned to you as they lead you back to the tellers. I wish you well, Mr Potter. Enjoy your meeting." And with that, he walked past me and back toward the rest of the tellers.

Huh, goblins resemble penguins when they walk. Why haven't I noticed that before?

I turn towards the door before knocking it three times.

"Enter!" An ominous voice from inside shouted.

And so, I did.

The first thing I saw was a huge desk. A huge desk. Like 'what the fuck' kind of huge desk. The second thing I noticed was the goblin behind it. Just stared at me.

I'm not going to let this green penguin make me sweat.

I take my time, walking towards the table as I take in my new surroundings.

That's a lot of fucking gold. Talk about overcompensating.

"Good day, Mr Potter."

"Good day to you too, Mister, um..."

"Gringotts Head Goblin Redclaw," he says while giving me a look of amusement. "But you may call me Redclaw."

"Yes, Mr Redclaw, sorry about that."

"Do you know why you're here, Mr Potter?"

"Yes, I'm here to ask for forgiveness and to discuss my punishment for breaking into Gringotts last month," I guessed.

"That is mostly correct, but before we get to that I would like to enquire as to the reason for your break in. We have received a report from Minister Shacklebolt on your behalf including an apology however his explanation is rather lacking. Tell me, Mr Potter, why stealing Hufflepuff's cup from the vaults of a Gringotts' customer was a crucial act in bringing down the Dark Lord Voldemort, as your ministry does not give me more explanation than that."

Thank you, Kingsley. I might not die a virgin after all.

"I'd like to tell you. Honestly, I want to tell you. If I don't tell you I know at best that I will end up broke without an arm or something, however it's confidential, and I'm not sure if I would be allowed to."

"Was it a horcrux?"

Silence.

Did he just...?

More silence.

No that can't be right. I'm probably way too high for this conversation.

Even more silence.

HOLD THE FUCK UP! I DIDN'T SMOKE!

"Could you repeat that for me?"

"Mr Potter, I am not playing games with you. You have committed a serious crime against Gringotts and are facing being banned and a confiscation of all assets in Gringotts possession that belongs to you. So please answer me. Was it a horcrux?"

Ah, fuck. Got me by the balls.

"Yes, it was."

"I see," he stares at me intently before nodding. "I take it that it has been destroyed then?"

I nod.

"Good. In that case, Gringotts thanks you and will take all the gold in Mrs Lestrange's vault as compensation because her keeping that thing here led to where we are today. However, Mr Potter I have the ask you to first speak to us first, please, before doing something this drastic against Gringotts," he looks at me intently. "I would hate to have to put a bounty on your head. Are we clear Mr Potter?"

I nod again.

"Excellent now to the more pleasant part of business. Mr Potter, Gringotts would like to wish you a happy birthday and welcome you to claim your inheritance from your parents and take your place as a Lord of Britain as is your right by magic. Do you accept your inheritance?"

Did he just say 'Lord'?

"Excuse me did you just say Lord?"

"Yes, Mr Potter. Your forefathers were of the first families that settled in Albion, or as we now call it, Britain."

"Good to know. That's probably the most I've ever fucking learnt about my father's family other than my father was a prankster that did good in transfiguration and had messy hair. Sorry, about the language."

"Apology is unnecessary, Mr. Potter, but I'm sure you'd be able to learn more by reading the notes left by your ancestors. So do you wish to claim it?"

What kind of fucked up question is that?

"Yes Redclaw, that would be spectacular."

"Excellent. Give the guards outside my office this note and they will lead you to the Potter account manager and any further business you have with Gringotts can now be done through him. Have a good day Mr Potter and thank you for ending the war. It was really bad for business. Now off with you, Wizard."

I took the piece of paper he handed me and walked out the door.

Man, today has started so fucking weird, yet overall, it's been really beneficial to me. I hope that continues.

I exit the room and exchange the slip of paper for my two wands, before following the little guards to a new office.

Hopefully this next bit will go as smoothly as the last.