I have worked on this for about 2 weeks. It was supposed to be a one shot but i turned it into a four chapter story. thanks for reading.

EDIT: Now sorted, there was a massive technical error making it a bit strange to read.

Am I A Sinner?

Am I A Sinner?

Do feelings fade away?

Does the absence of a person truly make the heart grow stronger or will the once overwhelming emotions simply dwindle to the dust?

The dust which blew away with the wind. Back to nothing.

Fading away.

He was once a tumbleweed. He simply went where the wind took him. Floating about from one place to the next.

She sighed…

Staring up at the nondescript of a church, Rose DeWitt Bukater failed to even distinguish any particularly interesting feature about it. She didn't notice the brickworks. The colours. The interior decor. Instead, she simply went to the darkened confession box, where inside the priest was sat, unable to look into her eyes as she was about to confess the so-called sins which she had committed.

Dressed in a heavy, woollen, black dress and shawl, on a wet and cool June morning, she had pulled a black veiled hat across her face. Black was the only colour which she had adorned her body in since arriving in Philadelphia. It was the only colour fitting. She felt like black. It was the colour of mourning. She was almost a widow. Perhaps, she was…

She had lost everything with him. Her heart. Her mind. Her soul. Her wits. Her life…

Rose DeWitt Bukater had died on the Titanic along with Jack Dawson. This carcass left behind was simply an empty shell devout of anything. She was no longer sentimental about anything. How could she be? When the single, most important person within her life was no longer with her. It was as though her soul had drowned there along with others. As though there was nothing left within her to give. No life left. She was empty.

Darting out her tongue to moisten her wet lips, she rubbed away the dry skin there. She had barely taken more than a few sips of water. Barely ate any food. Slept the minimum hours required to survive but even then her dreams were tormented by the screams, the lost souls…

It was so dark, and she was sure that her breathing was to echo about this place if she sharply exhaled. Sat on a hard, wooden squab and closing her eyes, Rose began her confessions.

''I am supposed to say, 'forgive me Father, for I have sinned'. I was sent to confession today, to rid myself of the burdens which my mother and my fiancé believe me to have accumulated.''

''What sins, child?'' The priest asked, his voice devout of anything. ''Confess yourself to be unburdened.''

''I keep asking myself that question, Father. Am I a sinner?'' Rose bowed her head, not in a silent prayer, or for any forgiveness, but because simply thinking of anything which Jack Dawson had given her as a sin was truly sinful in itself.

''Unburden yourself,'' the priest offered, ''the Lord shall wash away your sins. You can marry without the stains of your past imprinted upon your future, child.''

Rose's ice cold fingers linked together. And she tried, so hard to feel a presence there. To feel his presence. In a house of God, shouldn't he be there. To comfort her. To protect her. With her head still bowed, she started.

''I have told myself that I shall need to rid him from my mind. But, Father, he isn't just in my mind but in my soul, too. But the way it feels when he is in my mind, is beautiful. When I close my eyes, it is as though he comes to me.''

''Who?''

Rose ignored him. ''I confess that I have done wrong. And in your eyes, I would see you watching me shamefully, as though I am guilty. My fiance believes me to be guilty. And I am, so very guilty. It has been the stress of it all, which has kept me strong, for I believe once that goes away, I shall be haunted. My heart is empty, Father, because he is not with me.'' Rose lifted her head, opening her eyes to the darkness and just beyond the closed curtain before her, she could make out the hunched figure of the priest. A man of God. Could he truly wash away these sins? ''In my secret place, I drift away with thoughts of him.''

''Are these thoughts…impure?''

Rose would have blushed if there was any kind of emotion left within her. ''Am I wrong, Father? Tell me am I a sinner? Am I wrong for falling deeply in love with a man who wasn't my fiance? Is there something wrong with that picture?''

''An engagement is a promise of marriage. A vow which the Lord takes seriously.''

Rose felt the heavy burden of her engagement ring, replaced on her fourth finger the day that they had arrived back in New York. She hadn't wished to be with her family once more. Perhaps, she was too weak to refuse at the time. Her mother had been distraught, fretting over her only child. Cal had been upset, clinging to her as though he had lost his one true love. Perhaps, she was his love. Maybe he did love her. But Rose did not love him. Nor could she truly find a moment to care. Yes, she cared for her mother. Yet, at a truly strange dinner the night before, both her mother and Cal had informed her that she should attend confession to rid herself of all sins before the marriage should go ahead. And Rose, was here now…

''Yes, the Lord does take the vow seriously.'' Rose repeated. ''My fiance, I fear, did not. I assume that the Lord does not take too kindly in participating in sex before marriage either, Father?''

''No, my child. Is that would you should like to confess, here, today?''

Rose thought, allowing herself to recall a time when she truly believed that sex before marriage was only for those who thought very little of themselves. At a time, when Rose had pressed her lips to Cal's just once or twice and felt nothing at all. Her mother, once a long while ago, had somewhat educated her on what a woman should do once married.

A consummation is simply to ensure that the marriage is a proper one. A woman is to lay, allow her husband to take his need and once it is over, then she shall be free to pursue her own interests such as reading or needlework. A woman is to please her husband by remaining unresponsive, non-complaining and allowing him to do what is necessary. And, when the time is right, a woman shall be rewarded with a child.

That alone had left Rose with very little impression of what sex could possibly be like. Cal had often asked her to come to him. Into his bedchamber. To his bed. Caledon Hockley had also failed to keep his vow of no sex before entering into a marriage. His wish for Rose to open her heart to him was never granted. How could she possibly when she struggled to find an ounce of feeling for him. Yes, he was handsome. Wealthy. Tall. His physique was pleasant. His attire was impeccable. His outward appearance was that of an utter gentleman and truth be told he had been. Until jealousy had wrapped its ugly hand around him. That was the part of which Rose couldn't relieve herself of. Even when they were on a sinking ship, Cal had tried to keep Jack detained for a false crime. Tried to shoot him out of jealousy. Had tried to outrank him at dinner, instead of listening to Jack's story with an open ear, as the rest of the diners had managed to.

Caledon Hockley had not struck one chord inside Rose's body since their day of meeting. As the ring which claimed her as his own slipped from her finger swiftly, she held it within her palms to feel the weight of it. It felt heavier than her burdens…

''The truth shall unfold, Father, don't watch me as though you can see right through me. You will never know, just how my own imagination haunts me. It controls me.''

It wasn't just that it controlled her. It was that Jack was a part of her. Jack had sparked the passion within her. Ignited a flame which hadn't gone out. Even after his death. Perhaps she carried it within her…

''Truth is, that my mind isn't burdened by the so-called sin which people will believe I committed. My mind is haunted by the memories.'' Sitting upright, Rose felt how her corset was starting to dig into her. Claiming her breath. Constricting her lungs. ''It was the scent of Heaven. How he looked at me; with that face, and those eyes.''

''Were there sinful pleasures in them?''

''Sinful,' Rose breathed out, ''not at all.''

Jack Dawson was not a sinful man. He hadn't seduced her intentionally. There had been no indication when they had first encountered the other, that they would wind up so infatuated with the other.

''It was everything that he is. Every little thing of beauty shone through in his eyes. I saw myself in them. He told me, 'I see you' and he truly did. He saw how I was falling downwards, how I was ready to no longer be on this Earth and how I wished to be free. Freedom from the endless parade.'' Rose recalled, with such deep intensity that first glass between them. How deeply he had stared into the depths of her eyes and how, across the barrier of classes, she had seen the blue of his own eyes. Recalled how when she had first placed her hand in his; feeling the roughness to her own smooth. Callous to clean. Man to woman. He had filled her entire universe. When she had been standing, hanging from the stern of a ship, he had caused her to laugh.

''He was your freedom?''

''Yes, Father, and so much more. All that I am means nothing at all without him. I don't care about tomorrow and I have given up on yesterday. He would say to me that 'here and now is all that matters' but I just wished to stay with him.''

''Miss, if your love is with the Lord, you should thank God that you have known him. Known love of that kind.''

''If I would have died there with him, I would have had a smile on my face.'' Rose twirled her engagement ring about her trembling fingers. ''I should go to that altar now, go down on my knees and pray for the Lord to take me to him. Or to have spared him out of so many. I know that is unfair. But life is unfair, Father. I am a woman. And as my mother always tells me, our choices are never easy. They are limited. Women are simply placed upon this Earth to please the men, are we not.''

''The Lord sees everyone as an equal…''

Rose laughed, pitifully. ''Yes. God does. Perhaps he should educate those down here, amongst us mortals, for I have known simply one man who viewed me as an equal. Who didn't see me as an object. A pretty thing. A vessel to carry children. A decorative bauble to sit at dinners and never speak one's mind. Can I ask, Father, why God equips women with such tools as a voice or a mind if we are quite often unable to use them. They are simply useless to us.''

The priest, it seemed, was either unable to offer such an answer, or was waiting for her to continue.

''I shall thank God that I was brought to him. But that is all. I have no sins to confess for their was no ugliness in my time spent with the man who I have fallen in love with.''

''A man who wasn't your betrothed, no less.''

''Is that judgement I detect in your voice, Father?'' Rose glanced through the wired confession box and the priest bowed his head, she could see in the shadows.

''No, Miss, I simply wish for you to unbound yourself from the burdens.''

Rose blinked through her hazy vision. ''Bound,'' she repeated. ''I am bound to him.'' Her voice was low, almost a whisper as she came to the realisation that she was speaking to herself. ''I am bound to Jack.''

''Yes, and you shall be required to be unbound before the wedding commences if you see a future with your fiance. Do you not wish to enter your marriage pure?''

There was a pregnant pause. All silence seemed to be deafening. Crackling. The air about her seemed to be completely useless and breathing was difficult. It wasn't the strength of her corset stripping away the last remnants of oxygen, it was waiting to answer the question which could change the course of her life. Everything.

''I am not bound in chains by the man that I love. I believed in us. I believed that we could have found our way because he was a man I trust. I trusted him with my life.''

Rose remembered how Jack caused her breath to become caught in her throat and how hot her skin suddenly became, how her breathing and heart rate had quickened until she thought she might faint. Those had not been singular reactions. She had felt them each and every second whilst she had been in his presence.

''It was more than lust, as you seem to be thinking, Father.'' She couldn't see how anyone could live consumed by a lust that seemed insatiable. Unschooled as she was, she hadn't known a body could crave the touch of another the way it did food or air. It wasn't just the touch of his, or a single look, it was the conversations which they had together. The way he promised her things, she trusted him so easily and with her entire life. A man as seductive as Jack Dawson had been dangerous to a girl of her station. He could have ruined her, and in part it seems that he already had but not in the way people would mistake for a seduction. He had simply seduced her with his natural charisma, his zest for life and his happy go lucky demeanour. The way that he judged not a soul. Jack had never judged her.

''Then what, my child?''

Jack was beneath her skin. To consume her more. He would continue to do so even in death. That was the ultimate danger. Caledon Hockley did not stir so much as a glance within her stupid, unresponsive body.

Tilting her head, Rose closed her eyes and rested her cheek against her palm.

''I shall not be pure, Father. I doubt that I shall ever be again. And if that makes me ruined. Or damaged goods then I shall live the rest of my life with a label such as that.''

Hearing the priest's sharp intake of breath, Rose opened her eyes and sat back upon the bench.

''Is this disappointing for the Lord to hear?''

''No, child, we can pray, together, for your cleansing. We can heal the-''

''I shall never heal. I shall never be repaired. I am not a broken piece of glass. I am a woman. Something which even God seems to forget.'' Rose breathed out her anger. ''I am a woman who made a decision to leave behind my entire family, and all that I have ever known just for one man who I had known for three days. A man who saved my life. He saved me in every way that I could ever have been saved.''

Sometimes, those chains felt unbreakable. The caged walls of First Class felt like Hell, even now. But Jack had given her room to breathe. He had enabled her to fly. To taste freedom.

''What we had was real, sweet and pure. There was nothing sinful about it. He didn't seduce me, Father, as one may believe. Perhaps, it was the other way around, even though I had no clue of how to even be a woman who could be thought of that way. My fiance is the one who I find to be indecent. The one who invited me countless times into his bed before marriage even after I had denied him the privilege. So tell me, am I a sinner? Am I wrong?''

''Sex before marriage is a sin. To be unfaithful to one's promised is a sin in the eyes of the Lord.''

Rose raised to a stance. Keeping the black laced veil down, she raised her chin to face the priest. ''When the moment arrives, and all the weight that I have been carrying for all of these years, seems to suddenly make sense, one is faced with a true decision to make. A crossroads. Which way to turn.''

''The right way, Miss, with God's guidance…''

''I haven't felt God for a lifetime, Father. I didn't see God when my father was taken ill, and died in crippling pain and clutching his chest as he took pitiful last breaths. I didn't see God when I spent miserable months in Europe wishing that I was unable to continue, I didn't see God when I thought about ending my own life. Instead, I found solstice in my lover's eyes. In his arms. In his mind and in his heart.'' Taking a fortifying breath, she finalised. ''And, I definitely didn't feel God when he allowed a ship, carrying over two thousand people, to hit an iceberg. To see children wailing in pain. To witness them leave their parents and never see them again. Women lost husbands. Those women who are now coming to a foreign country without a means to support themselves. For it is the man who shall provide for these poor, hungry mothers and children. What did God make of that tragedy?''

The priest was silent, before she could see that he steepled his fingers. ''Man controls his own destiny sometimes. A captain controls his ship.''

''So it was out of our Lord's control? But he didn't stop the suffering…''

''God is merciful, Miss.'' He replied, grimly. ''Who returned the boats?''

''Oh, Father, who sent the iceberg? Mother nature herself. Your God cannot prevent everything. Your God cannot mend those lives. Nor can he mend me. He certainly cannot bring back the man who I love.''

''But he can send miracles.''

Rose tensed, as she had started gathering about her skirts, she dropped them all in one moment. Slowly, she turned to see the priest rise to a stance, a signal that the confession was over.

''What miracle could possibly heal us all, Father?''

''I am sure that you will find one.''

Rose parted her lips. ''I shall be expected for pray for it?''

''No, perhaps you already carry it within you.'' The priest told her, and she heard him say it with a smile.

Slowly, she uncurled her fingers from within the puffed materials of her black dress and slowly she raised them both to her midriff where her corset had given her the smoothest, flattest stomach.

''But I have sinned, have I not?''

''Yes, you have sinned. In the eyes of the Lord, in the eyes of Society but in the eyes of yourself, and even your love, you have simply acted in a way you deemed to be natural. Without ill intentions, or so you say.''

''Never,'' Rose whispered. She clasped onto her stomach, and it felt as though she was going to cast up her accounts right there in the confession box. ''It was my fiance who acted out of ill intentions. Out of jealousy. Out of his inability to control me.''

''The Lord will see to that. The Lord ensures that those who act in such a way are punished. Perhaps not now, but in some years to come.''

''But he has money, and has a large and vast business. A man is everything with that.''

''And what is one like without it?'' The priest considered, before quickly bowing his head, perhaps he was asking his Lord for forgiveness.

''God is merciful,'' the priest repeated his words from earlier, ''just wait and see.''

''I have nothing to relieve me of these so-called sins. I do not wish to be cleansed. I do not wish for a burden.''

''A child isn't a burden, Miss, and any other further burdens which have held you in place for so long shall soon melt away.''

With that, the priest left Rose in the dark. Inside the confession box. She held her stomach. A miracle was growing deep within. And after an unknown length of time, Rose simply smiled. The burdens were easing a little.