Prologue: the rebirth of the phantom thief
disclaimer i do not own naruto
second disclaimer might suck
enjoy
I Died
Well I kinda deserved it if I'm going, to be honest, I really shouldn't have robbed that rich guy's house
"Flashback"
The scared man held his shotgun out and pulled the trigger hitting me in the chest
"Flashback end"
Oh well, it's not like nobody will care, although you never know somebody might. Why did I become a thief again, oh yeah I needed to. I never had a great life my dad left my mom when I was four and my mom kicked me out at seven because her boyfriend wanted her to. So I never had a great childhood so I had to become a pickpocket, the worst part was I was inside of Virginia not a place like new york. Thankfully I never got molested or kidnapped otherwise I would be... actually where the fuck am I this isn't the firey pits of satans ass, I was in an endless void that I could walk around instead, maybe I was in purgatory?... So I wonder what I do now? Actually, what can I do hmmm maybe I can remember all the various anime I watched... yeah that sounded like an awesome idea. Wait speaking of anime I fucking hate that I never got to see the ending of hunter x hunter or black fucking clover God fucking damnit why did I have to die now instead of 5 years from now or something... fuck though that sucks quite a lot. I really would have loved to watch asta become wizard king or gon get his nen back.
Oh well, at least naruto got finished. Like for real naruto was a great anime, even with all of its flaws it still was spectacular even though there were times it sucked ass, like all the filler, or the fact he only ever used shadow clones or a variation of the Rasengan like seriously he could have used more wind jutsu although I can't blame him, he never had actual teachers until fukasaku who taught him sage mode and the frog taijutsu katas in only a fucking month meanwhile Jiraiya had three years and whilst I understand he had almost nothing to work with he still could have done more like at least teaching him a wind jutsu or two like the futon Daitoppa wind style great breakthrough like he had the chakra to make it an S-rank jutsu but no a bigger Rasengan is better but oh well he still was better than Kakashi but we are not going into that territory like he could have done better but i digress naruto was still a great series to watch even with the flaws it had
Then there was the mess of Naruto fanfiction that was a hellhole I actually liked to be in although the amount of naruto fucking Sasuke fics out there is insane like over 99 pages of that shit. I understand how naruto wanted Sasuke's dick in the anime but come on 99 pages of that shit like people where's your humanity we could have been writing some actually good fanfiction but noo the naruto and Sasuke furry fucking is wayyy more important than writing fics above 10k words
And not to mention how high people put Hinata on a pedestal like yes she never hated him and yes she was nice whenever she didn't pass out in front of him but still she did nothing at all to help him, she must have seen him suffer but still never tried to befriend him. The only thing she ever did to help him was get bodied by pain in like three seconds tops but still, people praise her like she was his best friend his whole life, fucking seriously it's incredible how he never defected with friends like that
Speaking of friends naruto could have defected to suna after the invasion was over and actually been a friend to Gaara as Gaara knew his pain and suffering and cared about naruto but thanks to whatever reincarnation alien bullshit he was always forgiving its always fucking forgiveness and friendship like for gods sake why would you forgive let alone save your abusers
But we can thank Kishimoto for that and also Fuck his editors as well for rushing him along. We might have actually got a story that never had alien reincarnation bullshit with him actually if I ever get out of this hell I'm going to got pickpocket the rights away for naruto and give the series justice but I will never get it, that chance sadly. And so after finishing my rant that nobody could sadly hear and just waited and waited... and waited... and waited...
Ok fuck I'm bored, I have been here for who knows how long, nothing to do, and nothing to see. I don't even see a single bit of color anywhere
You have been chosen
"OH FUCK" I shouted aloud even though nobody could hear me until I realized something
Holy shit something new HA HA HA. At this point, I was laughing in joy
"What have I been chosen for?" I asked the voice in joy at the prospect of something different than darkness
You have been chosen do you want to accept yes/no
"Is this some sort of shitty video game fanfiction?..." I got no answer but I expected none
"Oh well I have nothing to lose but everything to gain," I thought as I pushed yes waiting for something to happen
Enjoy your new life Da...
Whatever the voice was got cut off as I woke up in a bed seemingly fine
'Holy shit was that a dream' I thought as I woke up in a hospital room. I was looking around the hospital room and eventually realized I was in the body of a three-year-old with brown hair and a distinct understanding of the Japanese language
"Oh fuck me why does my existence hate me," I thought annoyed and pissed at that I was reincarnated in an anime a fucking anime of all things although I was able to rule out a few things like being reincarnated into attack on titan was not my fate and I wasn't in a sports anime(hopefully) I eventually realized I felt an innate power like chakra, nen or magic so I was either in hunter x hunter, black clover or naruto I could live being in hunter x hunter but the other two oh fuck no the kind of shit that goes on in those worlds is way too crazy for me a simple thief to deal with."Ok I can still work with this if I'm in a game lets try this," I thought as I began tho think "stats" but nothing happened I repeated that several times getting frustrated
'Ok since I could rule out being in a game then what now, why am I in the hospital? where am I?, what is my name, and most importantly do i still have my balls?" I checked that last one and yes i still had them "Ok thank god now i can actually begin to figure out what i want to do" and well i realized i didn't have much of a choice seeing as i was looking out of a window and seeing something i really didn't want to see
I saw four faces carved into a mountain the faces of the four Hokage...
"I'm boned"
'Ok i need to become a shinobi first and foremost so i can gain power and once I gain power I can focus on saving my own hide second i need to... wait why am i thinking of how to gain power and how to obtain it more than living my own life
I finally had my own chance at life again I was three years old after the fourth got elected so i must be here after the Kyuubi attack but its good to be sure so i would have to look into that later i also can try to actually get a girlfriend later never had one in my first life "But that would be creepy to date a twelve-year-old" "hm i did die at 17 though so i could date older woman" I thought with a semi-perverted grin
Wiping the grin off my face I realized I had to go find out who I am, what era I'm in, and finally begin gaining power "I should become Hokage i really should i can always make Konoha better..." i burst out laughing
"Like hell, I'm dealing with all that paperwork, instead I could always pull a Danzo and actually be good though" i mused as i got out of bed finally walking around and going to the window and opening it
"Fresh air, it's been so long I've missed you so much," I said smelling the fresh air in the world and listening to the hustle and bustle of Konoha silently thinking about pickpocketing them all
"So many pockets to pick, so much money to make," I thought grinning, hey I was a thief for ten years cut me some slack
That was the scene a doctor came into me just breathing in the unpolluted fresh air of the world I then turned around and saw that it was a medic wearing the standard doctor's scrubs that I saw in my world she had brown hair and eyes and purple line on her cheeks I knew who this was immediately. Rin Nohara.
So she either hadn't died yet or I'm in a giant fucking alternate universe. But she was the first person I would be interacting with here so I decided to push my luck and ask some questions
"Where am I?" I asked in my tiny dry voice yep I needed water
"I see that you need water doku-san, but to answer your question your in the hospital" rin said in a sweet tone
I decided to get water later as she started running a diagnostic jutsu over me "Why am I here?" I asked genuinely wondering why the hell I was in a hospital of all places
"You don't remember do you?" she asked although it was more of a statement than anything and seeing me nod my head in the negative she continued "You see this big bad creature known as the Kyuubi attacked the village and you got hit with a large blast of dark chakra and you had your arm broken by some falling rubble," she said still with a smile
"I see, well are my parents okay?" I asked last since I assumed this kid I was had parents but also I was wondering why the fuck wasn't I melted by the Biju chakra in my veins
Rin's smile dropped at this I'm sorry little doku but your parents were crushed under some rubble whilst running from the Kyuubi" she said grimly as it always hurt her to break news like this to people and children, no less.
I nodded processing the information I had just received like my name and that I was an orphan" I see... thank you doctor-san" i said frowning in what looked like sadness
"By the way your free to go as you have healed completely," she said still sounding sad at telling a child that his parents died and left my hospital room
my face was scrunched up in thought "Ok my name is doku which means poison... actually poison might be useful after all even Kage can fall to poison," I thought realizing my name would actually help me later in life. "Now I wonder what my last name is?" I thought curiously now getting a glass of water I didn't notice was there before "well I'm stupid "
It has been three days since my rebirth and I was wondering around konoha in a brown cowl and cape like a dollar store batman that I am positive looked stupid pickpocketing people that looked like they wouldn't miss it like nobles council members and assholes like the pink haired banshee that screeched wondering where her wallet was after I took it "hehe sucker" I snickered aloud running back to to the orphanage I was residing in after my home was destroyed 'that most certainly sucked' whilst I hoped I wouldn't have to live in a place with babies and other toddlers I wasn't miserable all things considered especially since I knew everything they were teaching beforehand which meant I could go pickpocketing for money later hiding hi in a secret compartment in my table thing... man really need to know what that is but back to the topic at hand I never really was trusting of people even doctors so I made that compartment when I moved in so I could hide my valuable items like cash which I used to try the glorious place known as ichiraku ramen... naruto was not kidding when he said it was the food of the gods at all
It's also cheap too so that's a plus
So what I decided was to be my schedule until I could train without trouble was pickpocketing, ramen, sleep, and what other essentials I need throughout the day. And so I was in a cheery mood even talking to other kids a bit, happy I was finally doing something with my new life and the fact my skills are still top-notch... although I never went after shinobi for very obvious reasons
I silently shivered at the thought of being stupid enough to attempt that and felt sorry for whatever idiots tried to do so and prayed they got a second chance like me
5 months later
I was running... and running fast too what was i running away from you may wonder... well i was running from a mob of rich, fat men yes the same man who died to one of these people has now angered over 2 dozen of them thankfully they couldn't see me otherwise I was sure I was going to be killed if they found out who I was and no I'm not waiting for eons so something could happen so I preferred if they didn't see my face that looked oddly like if Kurenai and shisui had a brown haired child
'Damn I'm having fun' I thought as I ran into an alley where they were to big to fit through and climbed the fence across it as was the usual way of my escape
So all in all I was living it up as a three-year-old almost four but god did I hate being a small child whose meta knowledge was useless to me as of now because as i discovered Obito was alive Kakashi died the yondaime was alive so was kushina and finally, the Kyuubi attack was caused by a guy with rinnegan eyes
That was a lot to unpack like who knows what has changed from the world i knew and had a love-hate relationship with
But I digress it was still the naruto world so im going to learn poisons and cool ass ninja magic
Like chakra itself its complete bullshit but I don't care so I'm going to learn my cool ninja magic and walk up walls and on water whilst throwing kunai and multiplying a singular kunai to a thousand kunai
I finished my thoughts by entering the orphanage and taking off the cowl I wore and I heard rumors from the matrons
"Did you hear about the phantom thief I heard he was a 3-foot-tall man"
"I heard he was just a child"
'I really enjoy this like for real the last rumor was true though, its the only true one here' I thought putting another wallet into the secret compartment in my desk before laying down on my bed and falling asleep
Chapter end
Okay it's 4:43 am I'm tired but I'm trying to get 3k words here so
1 yes i completely rewrote doku
2 i think this is better
3 i don't know about pairings
4 this is heavily a canon divergence oc/si fic
5 he shall be a poisons user
6 he shall be poison blade and small and controlled elemental jutsu reliant
7 no element configured yet
8 I'm tired
9 reddit is going to be seeing this when I have the energy to post this
10 ok fuck getting 3k words I'm to tired
11 please review us authors feed off of them it gives us the will to continue
ps thanks for reading
12 it has been an hour and I'm back but only have a few more things to say
13 I'm not updating my other fic until later
14 its not canceled or anything just I missed a week
15 hi kind Redditors that might read this please give me a review