Sasha Gilmore has no intention of celebrating the Day of Honor. This day for her has always been a dark one, for reasons that stretch back to childhood memories she has tried to forget. This Day of Honor is no better. Trouble with the warp engines has crippled Voyager just as it confronts a deadly threat. She and Brando must put their lives on the line to restore the engines. With time running out, Sasha is forced to confront past demons as she has one last chance to accept the great losses she once suffered and reveal the true feelings she has buried for years.

A/N: This is an alternate reality story involving Brando and Sasha. I wondered what it would be like if they were a part of one of my favorite shows Star Trek Voyager. So that's how this came to be. I hope you enjoy it!

I must have been exhausted because I was out the moment my head hit the pillow. It felt like I'd only been asleep for a few minutes when I awoke. I roll over to check the time on my bedside clock to realize I have overslept by twenty minutes.

I quickly force myself out of bed and make my way to the bathroom to take a shower before my shift starts. As soon I turn on the shower, it makes a funny sound before letting off a spark. I can probably fix it, but it will undoubtedly make me late for work. I'm about to start the repairs when I realize something doesn't feel right. If I had the time to dwell on it, maybe I would, but I now had a shower to fix.

###

"Now what!?" I yell to no one in particular.

"There's been a rupture in the coolant injector." Ensign Vorik responds.

"I can see that Ensign, so why haven't you fixed it?" I reply as I bend down to watch what he is doing.

"I am attempting to do so now, Lieutenant."

After a few more seconds, the leak stops. I let out a sigh of relief. There's one less thing I have to worry about.

"That's better."

I get up from where I am and walk over to the other side of engineering. Right behind me is Vorik. As I start to work on the station, I had walked up to he stays behind me as if waiting to ask me something.

"You have something you need to say to me, Ensign?"

"Yes. Lieutenant, I have come up with an idea. Perhaps it would be advisable to reconfigure the coolant assembly. That would give us greater control over the pressure valve emissions."

"You know what? You're probably right. And tomorrow we can do it first thing. But not today." I didn't feel like adding another to the list with the morning I had, plus all the things I must do today.

"I don't understand. Why wait until tomorrow? Today would be much better."

"I said not today, Vorik."

"Good morning Sasha. Here's the helm control evaluation you wanted."

When I look up, Vorik is gone, and standing next to me is Brando with a PADD in his hand. I take it from him and continue the work I was already doing.

"Thank you, Brando."

"So, are we still on for dinner tonight? I thought we could do Monte Carlo at sunset in the holodeck."

"I'm not sure I might have to work tonight. But I'll let you know."

"Ah-ha. Okay. So, have you decided if you're going through with it?"

Brando has been helping me develop a program in the holodeck. I have been having many aggression problems lately, and I thought this might help me tone it down a bit. It was that or return to an old habit I struggled with. Plus, what I would be doing is a big tradition among my people. Brando thought it was more for tradition than anything. I didn't tell him otherwise. I don't want to worry him.

Initially, I was looking somewhat forward to it but now. Now not so much.

"I have. And I'm not. Today hasn't exactly started out very well for me, and the last thing I need is to get involved with some ridiculously obscure Klingon ritual."

"May I remind you that you were the one who suggested it?"

"I know, I know. And for one sentimental minute, I thought that I might actually go through with it. But not anymore."

I can see Brando smile at me out of the corner of my eye, and I practically melt into a pile of matter on the floor. He had this effect on me every time he did that. It was like his smile was a phaser that he had set to stun and aimed at my heart.

I was too proud, so I would never admit it to him. Plus, if I did, I'd never hear the end of it.

"Of course not. You wouldn't want to get too sentimental."

I have to fight back the urge to slap his arm playfully. "I overslept this morning because I forgot to tell the computer to wake me. And then the acoustic inverter in my sonic shower blew out."

"That would make anyone's hair stand on end."

I stop what I am doing and look up at him. "So, I didn't have any time for breakfast. And when I got here, two people had already called out sick, so I had to cancel the fuel cell overhaul scheduled for today. And then an injector burst for no apparent reason other than to severely piss me off and started spewing plasma coolant."

"That's a run of bad luck, all right."

"So yes, I am in a bad mood, and I know that I am being a little bit testy, but-. "

"Hey, don't worry about it, it's fine. Just let me know about dinner, okay?"

He puts his hand on mine and gives it a reassuring squeeze. I nod back up to him, and after a few moments, he lets go of me and turns to leave the room.

As he's walking out, he runs into our Commanding officer. No doubt looking for me. As if I needed this.

###

I was being forced to work with our newest crew member. That's why the Commander showed up to engineering this morning. So, he could tell me the good news. She was supposed to be helping us build a transwarp conduit that could help take us back home to Earth.

I am not all too particularly fond of her and don't feel like working with her. She already has tried contacting the Borg once in hopes of going back to them. Who's to say she won't try that again?

They were a vicious species capable of wiping out thousands in the blink of an eye. We aren't familiar with this area of space, and she could easily try contacting them for one reason or another. I don't want that, and I'm sure no one else on the ship does either.

I'd say that's the only reason I don't like her, but I'd be lying to myself if I did.

Last week I saw her and Brando in sickbay while I was tending to the doctor's program. Brando seemed to be acting a little too cordial with her, and I didn't like it. I know that Seven isn't interested in him, but I can't be sure of Brando. He's a flirt by nature, and sometimes, by default, he ends up flirting with a woman even if he doesn't mean it, which can be confusing for me. Especially after he more recently just admitted that he was in love with me.

As I watch Seven work, I can't help the words about to come out of my mouth.

"Tell me something, Seven. When you hear about people like the ones who were helping, do you have any feelings of remorse?'

We had come across a group of people in desperate need of supplies. And our Captain being the generous person she was, offered up what we could. The people we were helping were no strangers to the Borg. Thousands of their people were assimilated by them and left with very little. That's why they had reached out to us for help.

She looks up at me briefly and answers. "No."

"Wait, that's it? Just a, no?" I say in disbelief.

"What further answer do you require, Lieutenant?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe some kind of acknowledgment of the billions of lives you helped destroy when you were part of the Borg collective. A justification for what you did. Maybe even a little shred of guilt?"

By now, I am pissed. But not for what I am criticizing her for. Hell, I wasn't even mad at her. I was angry at Brando; God, damn him. What kind of woman has this man turned me into? I was never the jealous type. And now I am being jealous of a Borg who was turned back to a human?

"Guilt is irrelevant." Seven replies, interrupting me from my thoughts.

"How heartwarming."

"I've set the parameters for the tachyon bursts we'll need to create a transwarp conduit. It will be several hours before the main deflector can be modified. I think it would be best if I waited in my alcove."

Showing all attitude, I reply. "I think your right."

###

Since I hadn't eaten breakfast, I can slip away for a long lunch. I decide to go to the mess hall and replicate some good comfort food—a big stack of banana pancakes.

Something about today hasn't felt right, and I can't quite figure out why.

I only manage to eat one pancake before I lose the urge to finish my meal.

I see Neelix approaching my table as I am playing with my fork. He must have seen how depressed I looked sitting all by myself.

"If I ever saw a job for the morale officer, it's sitting right here. I'll bet I can help." He says as he takes the vacant seat in front of me.

"You're facing a big challenge, Neelix. I haven't had a very good day so far."

"Good. I like a challenge."

I notice Neelix producing a dish from behind his back out of the corner of my eye. He sets it on the table and smiles.

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" The contents of the dish are revolting.

"It's blood pie. You know, for the Day of Honor."

"Wait, how do you know about that? Has Brando been talking to you?"

"No, of course not. I make it a point to know these things. And if I'm not mistaken, many Klingon families traditionally serve blood pie on the Day of Honor."

"I appreciate the gesture, Neelix, but I've decided to ignore this particular tradition. No blood pie, no examining my behavior over the last year to see if I measure up to Klingon standards. Which I know I don't."

"Understood. Lieutenant, but without knowing why there's a black cloud hanging over your head, may I suggest something to you?"

I put my fork down and nod. "Sure."

"You have a bit of a temper that you keep reined in, and sometimes it builds up inside you until you explode at someone."

I laugh. "Yeah, I'd say that about sums it up."

"I'm offering to be a pressure valve for you. Anytime you feel the need, you can use me to blow off steam. You can yell at me, call me names, insult me, or denigrate me, and I won't take offense." He said with a smile.

"Oh, Neelix…that may be the nicest offer I've had in a long time. Thank you. You're sweet, but I'm not sure I could do that to you."

"Well, I'm here if you need me. Just remember that."

He is about to get up from the table when I stop him.

"That dark cloud you mentioned." I pause for a moment deciding if I should even tell him about my relationship problems. I conclude it couldn't hurt having someone to talk to. "It's about Brando. Granted, I haven't had that great of a morning, but it's mostly about Brando." There was no way I could admit what else it was about.

"What about Mr. Corbin?" He says, sitting back down in the chair.

"I'm confused about my relationship with him. He tells me how much I mean to him, and then he flirts with Seven."

"Although Seven is a very beautiful woman, I don't think you have anything to worry about. I see how Brando looks at you. He clearly loves you. No Borg turned human could change that."

I shake my head. "Even if that were true, I can't be certain that he won't leave me. And then what? We're stuck on a ship thousands of light-years from home. Having to see him every day after something like that would kill me."

"You don't know if you don't try. Who knows? You could be missing out on the greatest thing that could ever happen to you. And besides, I've seen you two together. He's good for you and you for him."

"It's just I'm…."

"You're scared."

I nod. "Petrified. "

"Well, what is your heart telling you?"

I look down at the table and sigh. What was it telling me?

###

As soon as I left Neelix in the mess hall, I went in search of Brando. Before I make any decisions, I have to talk to him. I have to know that my heart would be safe with him if I chose to dive headfirst into our relationship. And he has to know that I've been struggling again.

I am walking down the corridor of deck two when I see him walking with Seven. I know I shouldn't, but I keep my distance behind them and eavesdrop on their conversation.

"I've never navigated a transwarp conduit before. Any problems that I should be aware of beforehand?" Brando speaks.

"You have no idea what you are doing. If we attempt to enter one, I'll have to take helm control."

"I don't know. I can be a pretty quick study."

I am infuriated. This morning, he asked about our dinner date, and there he is, yet again flirting. I immediately turn around and make my way to the turbolift.

That holodeck program seems like an excellent idea right about now.

###

Who was I kidding? The holodeck was a mistake. I walked in thinking that the program might help me let off steam when all it did was make things worse. I haven't done anything honorable; I haven't won a fight in glorious battle. And I had been weak and stupid. I was a poor excuse for a Klingon. And if I was being honest, I felt like a poor accuse of a human too.

I decide to head to the bathroom as soon as I make it back to my quarters. I immediately turn on the water and splash my face with some of the cold liquid in an attempt to cool down. Once I feel I have hit myself with enough water I turn it off. Without looking up I haphazardly reach for a towel. Once I feel the soft fabric I pick it up from the counter. That's when I hear a small thud. I look down to a hypospray lying on the floor. I slowly crouch down and pick it up. I have been struggling for the last month. And today, it would be so easy to say screw it and press the hypospray to my skin. Just press it and let the addictive toxins run through my bloodstream. But the more I think about it, the more I begin to think about Brando. Brando who stayed up with me as the withdrawals overtook my body night after night. He and so many others did so much to help me get clean. How could I do that to them? Because if I do do this, I can just picture the look of disappointment and hatred on Brando's face. And I can't let that happen. I let the cool metal device slip from my fingers and swiftly leave the room.

I don't want to cry, but I won't stop it if it happens. I don't think I'd be able to even if I wanted to.

I sit on my couch, lower my head into my hands, and gently rub my forehead. That is when I hear the chirping sound of my door, letting me know someone is here.

I groan. "Come in."

"Hey, I tried to find you before, but you were on the holodeck," Brando says as he enters my room.

"That's correct."

"Did you know you left it running? There was a Klingon in there who didn't look all too happy."

"Really?"

"Yeah, and he was nursing a whale of a black eye. It looked like he'd had a run-in with someone having an extremely bad day."

I get up from my spot on the couch and walk over to my mini wet bar. I pour myself a glass of water and down it in one long sip.

"That's funny," I say with a slight chuckle trying to make light of the situation.

"So, Sasha, how did it go?"

"It didn't. So, if you don't mind, I'd rather talk about something else." I tell him as I slowly look up at him.

Brando walks over to where I am standing and stands in front of me.

"As a matter of fact, I do. You have been acting like a spitting cobra all day and it's getting boring. You know, we designed that holodeck program together, and I think you owe me the courtesy of telling me what the hell happened in there."

"It was ridiculous, meaningless posturing. Honor, dishonor, what the fuck does it even matter anyway?"

"It matters because it's part of who you are as a person. You've been running away from that your whole life."

"Who the hell are you to tell me that?" I all but yell.

I try walking away from Brando, but he is faster than I am and grabs ahold of my arm, and spins me toward him.

"Because I care about you, Sasha. I always have."

"Well, you have a funny way of showing it."

He gives me a questioning look. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I saw you talking to Seven in the sickbay last week. And then again today in the corridor. You seemed pretty cozy."

"Oh my god, you're jealous of her, aren't you?" He laughs while raising his right hand to clutch one of his pecks.

"No, of course not." I scoff.

"You are totally jealous. It's written all over your face."

"Okay, so let's say I hypothetically was. What then?"

"Well, I'd tell you that the Captain pulled me aside and told me to try and make Seven feel more at home here on Voyager. I believe we all had that talk with her."

"Oh…"

"Yes, oh. So, are we okay now? You realize I'm not putting the moves on the newest member of the crew?"

"Yes." I nod.

"Good. But I will admit that it's kind of cute when you're angry. Hell, hot even. Your ridges do this thing." Brando says as he reaches up and runs his thumb across the ridges on my forehead.

"Brando, stop." I laughed as I tried to pull his hand away from my face.

"You know, I think your ridges are what I love most about you. That and that temper of yours."

"Oh really?"

Brando nodded as he leaned in closer to my face. "Mhmm."

Standing this close to Brando was like initiating a gravitational pull. Before long, his lips were on mine.

His hands found their way to my face and cupped my cheeks. I wrapped mine around his neck and opened my mouth, letting his tongue inside.

After a few moments, I felt us moving backward. His lips left my own and attached themself to the pulse on my neck.

Since we were no longer kissing, I took the opportunity to take a peek and saw he was leading us toward my bed.

For the third time that day, something began not to feel right, and I had to pull away from him.

"What's wrong?" Brando asked.

"You didn't come here just to sleep with me, did you?"

"No, of course not."

I took a step back from him. "If we're going to go through with this relationship, it has to be slow and on my terms. I'm sorry if that upsets you or makes you not want to go through with it, but I can't." I paused. "I can't- "

"You can't have what happened to your parents happen to you, and I get that. But you're not your mother, and I'm not your father."

My father left my mother when I was very young. She was Klingon, and my father was human, making me half Klingon and half-human. To be honest, I think their differences in race are what eventually broke them apart.

So, what if that happens to Brando and me?

"I know, Brando; it's just…it's just you don't understand!" I yelled.

"Then make me understand, Sasha. I really want to understand."

I advert my gaze to elsewhere in the room. Anywhere but Brando's face. I can't tell him. I can't bear to see the disappointed look on his face when he founds out.

"I guess that's how it's going to be then, huh? You know I care about you, but if you're going to keep pushing me away, then there's no point in my staying around, is there?"

"Fine, then just go! Leave me alone!"

"Don't worry. If this is the way you treat people who try to be more than your friend, you'll be alone all right."

And with that, Brando storms off out of my room.

I was about to run after him and tell him how sorry I was and that I didn't mean it. But before I could, I was being called to Engineering over the intercom.

"Were all ready for you in engineering, Lieutenant."

I close my eyes and will the tears that are about to fall to go away. "On my way."