Our Missing Pieces
Year 18
No one expected Alexander to find his way back home. Rosella had been just as stunned as their parents, and they didn't know that when proper introductions were made and the vaguest recap of how Alexander found out his origins and escaped was finished she had to go to her room and cry from many feelings at once.
Sympathy for Alexander never knowing familial love.
Sorrow she didn't get to grow up with him.
Happiness to finally meet him.
The one feeling she didn't have was shame for crying. She just knew that when no one was looking, Dad was going to collapse and go through a storm of emotions just the same. But it was okay if they cried. Why was that normal reaction so terrible?
In the first few days, Alexander was intensely uncomfortable at his name being uttered and was startled by attempted hugs or even touching his hand. When faced with regretful faces especially from Dad, he composed himself enough to claim whatever they were doing was normal to them, but not universal. Rosella wanted to ask if he even knew the gestures they were trying to make but stopped herself. She didn't want to make him feel wrong for not knowing since it wasn't his fault.
Alexander moved into a bedroom by the storage room, farther down the hall from his sister and parents. There were closer rooms available, but he claimed he simply didn't want them to hear if he talked in his sleep which might have had a dark meaning.
The guards seamlessly transitioned to acknowledging Alexander. Although he'd sputter and want to melt through the floor when a "Prince" or "Your Highness" infiltrated his ears. But that wasn't the end; they were prepared to keep his room tidy when he was out, wash clothes and serve him at the dinner table and each time he had to practically beg them to stop. Dad would marvel how they listened then confront the guards about not being so easy with him when he was newly crowned, and they insisted on drowning him out with whistling practice.
Dad spent years feeling like Alexander's kidnapping was his fault, attempting to mask his own feelings, beating himself up when he couldn't control his emotions or being himself as if that was a curse. So tired of himself, he created a very specific idea of Alexander with personality traits of his own specifically picked probably because it made him feel a little more secure believing someone out there thought similarly, and he wasn't as much of an anomaly as believed.
The biggest obstacle to feeling at home was Dad, and that was where Rosella couldn't remain a bystander.
"He's going to drive me insane!" Alexander finally yelled, burying his face in his hands and falling back against a design flaw corner.
Rosella had been nervously glancing over her shoulder, trying to shush him in the process. Alexander was too stressed out to care if anyone heard, but if Dad heard it would make frayed remains of self-esteem collapse and reassemble just to crumble to dust and scatter in the breeze.
Alexander took a breath somewhere between ranting about occasions Dad leaned over his shoulder and asked for his opinion on the book he was two chapters in, or the way he continuously invited him places. Anywhere. The world was apparently in the palm of their hands now.
With Alexander's hands removed from his eyes, Rosella had to look to check for any sign of contempt when he talked about Dad. Her sigh of relief seeing just tiredness tried to rattle her bones.
Alexander accidentally made a scene out of leaving the dinner table as Dad rambled about putting up a board for people to post requests to get items of desire or random jobs they had no time for along with intentionally vague details so the reader would have little information to push their brainpower but put this board up anonymously so it looked like some random decided to be kind soul helping others but it was really just a father and son team bonding through adventures- Alexander finally left the room without a word, triggering Rosella to chase.
"You know he doesn't mean to upset you?" Rosella asked, pressing her back to the wall too. She wanted to slide closer but settled for the wide gap between.
"He's had years to learn tact." Alexander grumbled, keeping a hand on what must have been his pounding temple. "He has no excuse for constantly... Hovering. He's always... There. There's a difference between coming home to the father you've never met, and the human equivalent of an untrained puppy."
"Now that's out of line." Rosella scolded him. "Puppies only want love and attention like any other creature."
It would have been nice if she could drag a smile out of him, but that didn't seem to be the case. If anything, he turned his head and met her own smirk with a hundred years of agony in his eyes that couldn't have been acquired in only a week.
Rosella's smirk disappeared as she sighed. "Dad doesn't mean to upset or annoy you; He's happy. Genuinely happy."
Alexander's eyes refused to stay on hers, flickering around as if he needed to process that information.
Rosella decided to fill the silence since it seemed to be up to her to prevent disaster. "He's terrible with emotions; that's just the kind of person he is. I've seen him look so lost in sorrow and can't stress that enough: all he wanted was his son."
"He had a daughter." Alexander cut in suddenly, vaguely gesturing to her. "Clearly, you know him better than I do to translate his emotions. How you dealt with him all these years, I'll never understand."
"I didn't have to 'deal' with anything." Rosella replied, feeling a smile sneak up. "He's right when he says he's a 'mess'. He totally is. But I'd rather have a father who tried than one who doesn't love me or ran away at the first opportunity."
Alexander turned away. There was nothing to see in the remains of the hall corner, and Rosella had a theory he did it to hide emotions of his own. But the worst thing she could do to him was pry, at least for now. So, she took the chance to go on.
"I know that Dad loves me because he's always tried to take care of me, teach me lessons and when I found out I wanted to take up combat he didn't act like I was too fragile to do it. But I know saying it isn't easy for him. So, what he can't say, he has to do through actions." Rosella explained casually at first, before stricken with nostalgia. "I'll never be able to say whether he was a good or bad father because he was just Dad to me from the moment I was old enough to understand. So yeah, I love him just as I love Mom."
"It sounds nice."
Rosella snapped out of the trance, catching Alexander cautiously peek over his shoulder for her response. It reminded her of someone, and let fondness overtake her face when she agreed. For a moment, both thought about what she said. She had flashbacks race in and out her mind, remembering when it was difficult to read Dad and then the times where he seemed to work with her whether he realized or not.
"But I haven't had the chance to learn anything about him! I can't even call him my father, it's just- You know? And I can't learn more about him because he just stares at me like he thinks he's read my mind!" Alexander whirled, back to the wall once more arms thrown out and making a soft thud.
"Like I said: Dad's emotions are too uncontrollable right now for him to be reasoned with. But don't give up on him; once he's exhausted every option, he'll feel like he messed up... But surprise! Nothing's wrong; you'll be the one to interrogate him. He'll be so amazed someone's asking questions about himself."
"You make it sound so easy." Alexander didn't look very inspired, actually he folded his arms and tried to make himself small in the space-challenged corner. He spoke barely above a whisper, forcing Rosella to risk leaning an ear toward him. "I do want to this to work, but even though he's apparently obsessed over me all these years he must not realize it might not live up to his expectations. So, what if you're wrong?"
"If I'm wrong, oh well, at least we tried."
"And trying is better than nothing in your opinion."
"Just remember when he looks at you, he doesn't see Prince Alexander. He sees his son, Alexander. You don't have to know what to say or do all the time, and it's okay to struggle because you don't have to impress anyone."
Alexander hadn't budged from his spot, uncross his arms or at least give a change of expression. Rosella moved back, giving distance he needed to function. She felt like she could say more, but he just needed time to clear his head and if what she told him helped, maybe his and Dad's relationship wasn't doomed. Dad waited so long, and Alexander didn't know what he missed out on. One might say Rosella missed out, but she couldn't be sure how to word it so she didn't sound like she blamed anyone or was downplaying Alexander's situation.
"Is everything okay?" Dad's voice asked from around the corner suddenly.
Alexander still wasn't reacting, so Rosella glided down the hall to an awaiting Dad nonchalantly.
"The fish was a little too spicy, if you know what I mean. Since he's still learning the castle layout, I was helping him reach his destination."
That excuse had Alexander rushing over, sputtering denial. It sounded like he wanted to destroy her words with logic, but even if he did Dad was setting sympathetic eyes on him.
"In all the new arrangements, we haven't even talked to the kitchen staff about your eating habits!" Dad realized out loud, holding his head like he wanted to smack it for forgetting something so basic.
"That's not what happened!" Alexander finally managed to shout coherently, arms getting flung out along with the remains of composure.
Rosella joined Dad in waiting for the real explanation. While Dad was innocently confused, Rosella knew her eyes twinkled with hope he'd responded to the push to say how he felt rather than sulk as usual. But faced with two pairs of eyes, Alexander's flickered between both while his expression battled self-consciousness slipping past with layers of frustration.
"The truth is..."
He wasn't trying to keep them in suspense.
"Well..."
The food was going to get cold.
"It's embarrassing for you when you go on tangents like that foolish sign. If you didn't ask so many questions at once, talk like your tongue's about to shrivel and fall off or arrange your thoughts maybe people would want to stay and listen. Maybe even communicate back. Figure that out, and we'll talk."
The silence was deafening. Rosella was ready to leap into the crossfire to pull Dad from his collapsing emotions, because there was no way his heart could survive such a sudden burst of happiness after actual years only to have to it end and slip back into cold nothing.
She desperately searched his face, his eyes but found no reactions. Then it was on to his shoulders or hands, just find some kind of sign Alexander left him devastated because she knew it was going to happen.
Alexander wasn't waiting for a response and rushed past them as graceful as he could. Or more accurately: he kept his arms crossed and was barely containing irritated huffs quiet while stomping away.
Dinner was not salvageable when they all returned. Rosella had been enjoying the food before Alexander ran off, but now everything tasted bland, and she didn't doubt it was the same for him and Dad. They all contributed to a single stormy aura attempting to consume the table, and no one wanted to look at each other too long which was made difficult since Dad was directly across from Alexander.
Mom had been quiet while her family fell into despair, finished her first delicate sip of tea as she always had to wash down a meal when she finally spoke again.
"Graham, are you still going to give our son a tour of the library tonight?" Mom asked curiously.
Dad's jaw couldn't keep shut from how sudden she came up with that tactic, a mix of shock and attraction. Alexander, meanwhile, failed to stealthily sit up straight with interest. While Rosella rested her chin on her folded hands watching the performance.
"Oh no..." Mom's delivery was a little more underwhelming, unlike the hand to her chest with fake regret. "You haven't told him yet? I didn't mean to spoil the surprise; I just couldn't stop thinking about finally being able to pass on my collection."
Rosella joined Alexander in looking to Dad next as if this were an improvised performance, and... Fair, right? His widening eyes were perfectly expressing his mind working double time picking up where Mom left off. She might as well have thrown him something to cling to as he tried not to drown, and the satisfied smile tugging on her lips made that clear.
Rosella looked back to Alexander, trying not to be taken aback by his eyes at brightest capacity.
Dad must have seen his chance, because he did his best not to stumble over his words. "It's okay! I definitely planned to give him a tour- Um- We can still do it unless he's not interested in a varied collection..." Not that he succeeded.
"If I knew..." Alexander looked right at Dad with what could have been a deadly serious expression as he wanted, or childish impatience. "You don't have to do this after I snapped earlier. It's only a library; it's not as though I've never had access to one before."
Did Alexander know his hands were fidgeting as he rested them on the table? Rosella was getting ready to catch if he tried to leap over it, find this promised library accidentally if he had to.
Well, they couldn't just take away the offer now. Dinner would normally wrap up with dessert while Mom finished her tea, but Alexander abruptly stood trying not to bounce on his heels impatiently. He seemed so convinced no one noticed, which was confidence they could learn from.
The library was one of the least used rooms of the castle but kept clean and scanned for the oldest books starting to rot. It wasn't particularly fascinating to Dad or Rosella, but Alexander looked around in wonder. They watched for a moment while he gingerly traced the spines and pulled at random books without taking them out. This was meant to be a chance for Dad and Alexander to attempt to bond, but Rosella tagged along because she could tell the former didn't know how to proceed after the latter calling him out for searching desperately for a topic to get his attention. Now he had his attention and needed to maintain it. Dad was definitely nervous, trying to hide behind a hand while he thought about something to say that wouldn't be too awkward. Rosella took his other hand and squeezed it in support.
"Ask what kind of books he likes." She whispered.
"Alexander!" Oh no- "What kind of books do you like?"
Alexander turned, confusion at one question rather than eleven. If he believed Dad was a fast learner when it came to helpful advice, neither he nor Rosella stopped him from pursuing that narrative. He looked like he wanted to reply, but his mouth sealed shut.
"We won't judge your taste!" Rosella blurted, hoping to absorb the awkward energy.
Alexander mumbled something, before whirling suddenly and throwing out a hand to the shelves. "If this is supposed to be a tour, show me where the different genre is placed." His suddenly sharp tone indicated he didn't want to give a real answer. He walked farther down the first shelf, seemingly forcing himself not to glance back.
Dad's eyes went downcast, but Rosella gave him an encouraging pat on the arm for trying. Trying was better than nothing. That seemed to be the theme for this family now; it should be made into a banner and hung proudly above the front doors.
The next few minutes, Rosella mostly watched as Dad took the lead and tried to sound as invested in the idea of reading as possible showing Alexander the first two rows of shelves. These were the historical, or just general information about Daventry. Rosella couldn't help feeling like something bad was going to happen because they kept giving each other looks as if at a loss. She needed to be here then, she decided. Then Dad shot a hand to a random book and withdrew it, and she couldn't tell if he would have done that without her here. Was that wishful thinking?
"You probably want to read your mother's collection, but I hope you'll give some of these a chance." Dad said seriously. "Daventry has always been your home, but even if you change your mind about living here you might enjoy learning about it whether exploring or on a book page... Give it a chance." He definitely had a point to make, but throwing other words around hopefully stopped it from sounding desperate.
Rosella was braced to jump in with a distraction, but she didn't need to when Alexander made to take the book and mysteriously turned away again sighing deeply.
"I did plan to research Daventry." Alexander begrudgingly replied. "Before you celebrate, let me stop you: remember I haven't been allowed to see as much of the world as I'd like. So yes I want to see what Daventry offers, but you need to calm down because it's not the center of the world."
"That's all I ask for."
"We all know that's not true."
Dad and Rosella were left to linger around the first three shelves, sweeping the spines pretending they were sharing his interest at least slightly. But surprisingly, Alexander did seem to find something worth reading for a few more moments in that same book. During this lull, Rosella tried to stay close to Dad and let him know through her smile alone he could do this. She wanted him to smile back; it was the reminder depression didn't gain the upper hand in his case.
Eventually, father and daughter seated themselves at the only table in the room. The son eventually joined them with his book. They all sat there for a moment, before Dad couldn't take it and shifted a little too close to Alexander with an innocent smile despite the unpleasant aura Alexander's crushed up shoulders were creating.
"You still didn't tell us what kind of books you like." Dad reminded him, begging for conversation now.
Alexander's face was going to an annoyed place again, his ears gaining a tinge of red as he stood the book up and brought it impractically close muttering again.
"I'm sorry, can you speak-"
The book slammed shut with a gale before it was laid on the table. "What kind of studies do you think I learned?"
"Magic and alchemy." Dad said immediately, though forcing his head down meekly as if answering for the class.
Alexander nodded, fully turning his back up to him in the seat. Neither the book gale nor the cooler temperature in the room seemed to do much for his burning ears. Rosella couldn't help focusing as they reminded her-
"If I even tried to protest learning those subjects, I wouldn't have gotten a meal for a whole day or be struck on the spot to 'know my place', so you're going to think this isn't my real opinion, but I do like those subjects."
When Rosella and Dad had to take a moment to process the starvation and violence parts, Alexander waved a hand to them as if to dismiss sympathy.
"Anyway..." Alexander sighed heavily, gathering the book as calmly as possible. "We have nothing to talk about when it comes to the function of magic and what affects its power or even obscure potion recipes time attempted burying. So, if you don't mind, I want to move on."
Dad was the first to stand, and it was so obvious in the way he stood a little too close to Alexander he wanted to hug him as long as he could and apologize for not keeping him safe. But even he knew that if he did that, he would ruin the night completely. It must have killed him to have his son right there calmly telling him about pain he went through and not being able to comfort him. But Alexander wasn't asking for comfort, which could be another problem.
Rosella tried to make it light when Alexander placed the book back and walked around the shelf. She gave Dad a smile when she assured him. "He's not used to small talk. I believe he was just embarrassed to say his interests out loud."
Dad watched the empty space for a moment, shrugging. Rosella hoped he wasn't disconnecting, giving his shoulder a light push to encourage him to follow Alexander to the last shelves.
Shelves three and four had Mom's collection. Fortunately, Alexander's interest returned full force as he realized on his own this was where the variety came in. Rosella could see Dad peeking from the side, foot trying to step forward, but he always pulled himself back. She hated it. She approached him, saw his eyes mist but took his hands tried to lead him forward. Him shaking his head made it happen.
A teardrop dared to leak from his eye, and it wasted no time running down his cheek.
Rosella accidentally made a pitying sound at the sight of it, alerting Alexander who approached struggling to hold four books.
No one said a word. They could probably benefit from just not talking anymore.
To Dad's credit, he didn't run away to hide in shame over his emotions. He just, breathing sharply, told them he needed a moment and excused himself to the very back of the room. Rosella and Alexander stole what had to be mirrored, confused looks when he sat on the floor and wrapped his arms around his knees. He obviously wished someone would blast him with an invisibility spell, but maybe if he squeezed into the corner he could be forgotten.
"Should we... Help him?" Alexander's tone went to panic suddenly.
Rosella brought her face from her hands slowly, looking up at Alexander's rigid and highly uncomfortable state. She didn't know where to begin. And she was powerless here. She had always comforted Dad best she could, but in this case, there could have been many factors to what just happened, and he wouldn't talk about it. She didn't even need to ask. He wouldn't want to acknowledge breaking down out of nowhere, although his state of mind probably built that up over time.
"You're the one who dealt with him for seventeen years, you start." Alexander said, staring at her like she could wave her hand and take away the unsightly emotions.
"I don't know what to do." Rosella admitted, starting to feel overwhelmed herself. She knew her answer didn't soothe Alexander, but at this point she felt like she was watching the beginning of his emotions spiking too far.
You can't talk to your own son. Your own son doesn't want to talk to you. Alexander's back! This is wonderful! I just want my son back! How do you talk to someone who doesn't want anything to do with you?! It's been seven days and you can't talk to Alexander. Alexander just needs time. Maybe he's right about what he said. Just talk to your son. I don't want to upset him anymore. Only Vee can get through to him. I'll never get through. These things take time. I wish I could socialize like a normal person! You're normal, cheer up! "Cheer up", like I'm sad. I'm not sad. I want to go to bed, but I'm not going to cry. You're going to cry. I don't cry anymore! I've cried too much. All those tears for nothing, and still doing it. Amazing. It's too late to get to know Alexander. Look at you: failing to raise Rosella properly. Rosella loves you, though. I should be able to believe that, but...
Rosella should not have been able to sense the thoughts catapulting through his mind, but even though he still sat there not giving away any more tears by wiping at his eyes or moving at all he was see through. At least... To her. She didn't know what Alexander could possibly be thinking as gave the books in his arms a contemplative look.
Alexander set down three of the books carefully, focusing only on one. He almost gave it a fond look, but it was passing. He gestured for her to follow, and as she was confused but also wanting to help Dad with his emotions, she did just that.
Dad refused to look up. He only glanced from the corner of his eye when Alexander sat down near with this specific book. Not next to him. He was at something of an angle, enough to read the book with him if he wasn't holding to his chest refusing to let the cover be seen.
"You asked what kind of books I like." Alexander mentioned, halting in places when he must have felt the rising color on his ears again. "It's not the worst thing in the world if you know I like the one fictional story hidden away in Manannan's library. Why did he go through that effort? I asked, but too many questions ticked him off. Even he needed something to keep his attention on rainy days, I guess."
Rosella was already making throat-slicing gestures the moment that name fell off his tongue, but Alexander either didn't notice or had a plan. She carefully took a seat also merely near Alexander trying to get a glimpse of the book as just him glancing at the cover himself made his eyes sparkle fondly in spite of the topic as he went on.
"Reading this book was just a sample of freedom I could look forward to when I should have been studying. I wasn't able to finish; I had to take long breaks and when I escaped I didn't need to weigh myself with impractical items." The color in his ears only darkened, communicating where him holding the book in front of his lower face by the end of his explanation got in the way.
Dad was fighting not to look at him at least out of curiosity, but his own face was still screwed up with emotions in a battle to keep them away. He needed to say something; that was apparent in his chest rising and falling as if preparing himself. But accidental sniffles thwarted that, not being so loud they shook the library but weren't as quiet as he wanted either.
None of that stopped Alexander from opening the book, where Rosella tried not to make any noise with a gasp when she recognized the cover of a man and woman in armor back-to-back and hands interlocked behind castle ruins. When she did, was probably grinning like a fool but she remembered wanting to read it as well despite the romance between those two characters also being a large part of the story.
Dad was allowed to look too when Alexander dropped it cover up in front of him with a huff.
"I'm not surprised my mother would have this book in her collection too." Alexander finished with wide and self-conscious eyes zipping in every direction completely tearing down composure attempts. "I won't give you an option not to read this right now, by the way. Everyone should read this; it's always going to be what I refer to when it comes to human relationships."
Dad carefully picked up the book. Rosella was nervous awaiting his response, and she caught Alexander even holding his breath. His eyes were shining for more reason than tears attempting to escape. But the best part was when he didn't bother fighting off a smile.
"I don't need to read this." Dad told Alexander, still stuffy.
"Oh, I didn't give you an option." Alexander reminded him, pushing at the book when it was attempted to be given back.
"It's okay, Alexander, I-"
"Just read the book. If more people spread the word, we could finally have a sequel-"
"I'm sure that would be wonderful, but-"
"But there's foul stories getting ten sequels even as we speak, and I refuse to disgrace the original work by writing my own-"
"This isn't about the sequels-"
"Why are you defensive? I was trying to have a moment-"
"No, that's not how moments work." Rosella finally cut in.
Dad released the book, making Alexander scramble to gather it. He had a confession to make: "I've already read the book cover to back two times." And by the end, Alexander and Rosella were just staring and trying to process that making him accidentally let a laugh that his stuffy nose accidentally added a snort to. His hands flew to his lower face, mortified.
Rosella allowed herself to laugh at how much they built up such a simple activity, which drew a small one from Dad. Alexander gave a polite, but firm merriment refusal and ended up opening the book anyhow because hell or high water he was going to READ. They could either join or leave, and they stayed even though Dad would know where the story was going... He was willing to give this "moment" a chance. Rosella thought that could be progress.
The book had to be laid down and held at the ends to stay visible enough for three. Alexander and Rosella took opposite ends, Dad in the middle finding the corner to have been surprisingly warm and soothing. Everyone had their own reading speeds, and sometimes Dad and Rosella were accidentally synced narrating the story which caused Alexander to risk eyestrain rolling them. The plot was kind of slow in the beginning with a childhood friendship between the heroes totally included just for adorable references when they would later meet all grown up as knights. Rosella couldn't help but roll her eyes more at not letting two kids simply like each other without romance having to exist and tried to subtly look to Alexander and even Dad wondering based on limited social experience if this was the greatest love story of all time in their opinions.
They ended up reaching chapter four to the present day where those kids became adults having drifted apart years ago and were about to have their fated reunion at some kind of knightly-position-acquiring-thing the book explained even less eloquently when Mom arrived.
Well, Mom didn't "arrive" so much as sneak in watching them between the second to and last shelf for a few minutes when Dad finally managed to convince Alexander to narrate, and he rushed through the small but very symbolic line that would come back at the end of the book. Alexander's version was obviously with some self-consciousness mumbling, leading to Dad taking matters into his own hands and making him and Rosella jump suddenly screaming the line as if having mentally transported himself into bloody combat. Any doubt this was his third read was cleared.
Mom seemed happy to join them, unaware of the chaos before and not minding rereading a classic. When she squeezed into the corner with Dad, curling up next to him she was obviously doing that for warmth only. Alexander didn't protest being around more people. Rosella wanted to pinch herself, because finally having the whole family in an actually pleasant state must have been a dream.
They had their issues to work out, but what family didn't? Rosella quietly admired the whole set up when she was supposed to be reading, and it wasn't perfect, but she never wanted that. She could deal with some flaws and hiccups. She looked forward to Dad's emotions getting soothed someday; she could see it happening. And one day Alexander would discover himself and a bunch of minor events would probably pile up and lead him to a heartfelt resolution. However, many it took to stop bottling his emotions like Dad; they had more similarities than on surface level.
She wondered if she could finally step back and let Dad and Alexander help each other as she did her best to help the former all these years. That's not to say she was bothered by it; each time Dad smiled or laughed it was special and it was time he did a lot more of that. Maybe all he needed was Alexander back after all. Wherever that thought came from.
Rosella snapped herself out of those thoughts when Mom begun idly mentioning an idea she was pondering after dinner. She let herself smile lazily, moving to lay down on her stomach and rest her chin on her arms as she continued reading.
"I was wondering if you three wanted to get out of the castle sometime. We could go on a vacation..."
TBC