A/N: Thank you for your reviews. Have fun with the new chapter.

Trial of the Senses

by

Ava LeBeau

Chapter 12 – The man you have become

"Listen, Flynn, I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself again and again." I snapped, defiantly glaring at the shrink.

"So, for the last time and your record.", my gaze darted to his notepad.

"I don't chase, Flynn, I attract! And take caution in your tone, Flynn. This whole situation is driving me crazy." I raked my fingers through my hair, my elbows on my knees.

"I wasn't talking about chasing her, Mister Grey." Flynn tried to placate, his voice annoyingly calm.

"I have asked you if you could imagine to take a first step towards her. Like offering a hand. In order to reconcile. To win her back?"

I laughed huskily, hoping he would continue, but Flynn looked at me, waiting for an answer.

"Maybe.", I shrugged casually.

"Good."

Not exactly.

Not at all, actually.

What possible good could come from giving in to her? Losing face?

"It is important that you progress slowly."

"What do you mean?", I frowned again.

"Well, together we have come to the conclusion that you cannot go on like this if you want her in your life and as a result you have told me that you would like to take a different approach. Right?"

I had told Flynn about my breakdown back at home and the encounter with Leila. Told him that the encounter had brought up intense feelings and old memories, good and bad. That I was still worried for Leila, even after all those years, and even though she posed a considerable threat to Anastasia.

I had told him about the panic that had literally brought me to my knees, washing over me whenever I was imagining what Leila could do to Anastasia, a panic fed by a horrific feeling of loss of control, sending me in a nauseating tailspin over and over again.

But I had also told him about the fact that I was still craving to inflict pain, that I was enjoying it, yes, that I was getting off on it and only on it. More than ever before.

All this was nothing really new for him.

It had been difficult for me to let him in back then, but I had let him in, aware that there was no use in denying.

I was wondering if I could ever overcome this nagging urge.

The excruciating desire to punish and inflict severe pain.

A desire that was growing stronger and stronger by the day.

A desire in me that was screaming for release.

A desire that was fed by an urge to punish, an urge to take revenge for everything that had been brought upon me as a young boy, yet also an urge to regain control, to exert control. At all times.

But on the other hand, there was Anastasia.

And I was not willing to let her go, to let her leave me, to let her walk out of my life forever.

I wanted her there, with me.

It was like trying to square the circle.

Because Anastasia was different. And she had told me, very clearly so, that she would not put up with that way of life. That she could not fulfill my needs and desire when it came to that.

"Mister Grey?", Flynn's voice pulled me out of my thoughts about Anastasia and my wretched desires.

"Hm?", I glanced at him.

"You need to take it one step at a time."

"But I-"

"You mustn't rush.", Flynn warned.

"You have got to get to know her better and on a different level first. Sexual-"

"Flynn!", I cut in, knowing that resistance was futile.

"I'm fully aware that you may only be able to... uhm... repress yourself for a while, but your urges and sex drive will break through eventually, probably leaving you feeling worse than before. Therefore we need to work on trying to retrain or redirect your desires toward things that Ms. Steele and you find more acceptable. It also requires you to learn to at least accept yourself, including the parts of you that you can't change or haven't been able to change yet."

I looked down at my hands, nodding quietly.

"All this will require a lot of self-control on your part, Mister Grey. And I am aware that it will most certainly be less than satisfying for you, which is a risk in itself. But it may provide you an outlet while you can practice being turned on by gentler, more consensual encounters."

I closed my eyes for a moment, not convinced. My heart was pounding in my chest.

Gentle?

Not really satisfying?

Maybe I was deceiving myself.

Was this really what I wanted?

Was this what surrender felt like?

Was Anastasia really worth this sacrifice?

I don't do fucking hearts and flowers!

"Well?", Flynn asked.

What about control at all times?

"I really don't know if this is viable, Flynn." I stated flatly.

"Remember, the women in your early life have had a lasting effect on you. And while your birth mother wasn't there for you when you obviously needed her the most, she still loved you just like both your sister and your mother do. All three have helped to shape you into the man you have become, Mister Grey."

Shaped me into the man I have become?

A low mocking chuckle escaped me.

The only thing Flynn didn't know about was what was really going on with Elena.

To him she was nothing more than a very good family friend, my business partner also and, as he would call it, a motherly confidante through and through.

Actually so far, and unbeknownst to Flynn, I was sure that my relationship with Elena had been the most impactful in my life, seeing that with her I had experienced feelings I had never felt before meeting her and all this had caused an intense bond to form between us over all those years.

I was aware that Elena had had both a positive and negative impact on my whole life, being that I had learned a great deal from her when on the other hand I had also suffered a lot because of my fatal attachment to her.

But now Anastasia had come into my life and it had somehow pulled the rug out from under my feet.

"So?", I managed to reply.

"While you have told me that you find it difficult to express your feelings, especially towards your mother and sister, you have also mentioned that you have fond memories of your mother always being warm and caring and that you deem her fit to be a replacement for your birth mother, actually more than that, and that you could never harm her or your sister. You could try to feel about Ms. Steele in the same way, Mister Grey."

"I suppose I could.", a non-answer really.

"That would require you to tackle your internal fantasies and beliefs when it comes to your urges. Your desire to punish.", Flynn continued and I looked up.

"All this will be very difficult, it is not impossible to overcome, though, but it takes time. That is why you need to progress slowly."

A long silence ensued.

Flynn studied my features. That muscle in my jaw twitched.

Finally I nodded and said,

"I can do this."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Flynn."

"What? No, Ros, I won't listen! I won't hear you out on the whole Sherman disaster. I suppose money can't buy you friends but a better class of enemies. So let's move on."

I let out a short, humorless laugh and pushed the power button on my phone to hang up on her.

Sat in my office that was overlooking a rain-swept Seattle, I looked down at the note in my hand, looked down at the girlish twirls while the pad of my thumb slowly brushed across the handwriting, her handwriting.

'This reminded me of a happy time!'

I slid the note into the inner breast pocket of my tailored suit jacket and began to scroll through my e-mails. Still nothing from her.

Tomorrow was the art show of the photographer, this José boy, Anastasia's supposed friend, the poor man's artist. I snorted contemptuously. The very thought of José's lewd glances at her made me want to say and do unspeakable things to him, but I decided to let him live. For now, at least.

I wondered how she would get to the show. Taylor had sold off the Beetle and Anastasia had not taken the keys for the Audi on the day she had left.

I opened a new e-mail.

Surely I could offer to take her there?

That was a harmless offer, right?

And Flynn had told me to take it slow.

I bit my lower lip and started to type a quick message, rewriting it several times, not really happy with my attempts at extending my hand to reconcile, taking it slow with her. I was not used to all this. Usually everybody catered to my needs at all times.

I drew a deep breath before I pushed the send button.

You can do this, Grey!

I started pacing my office, fiddling with my cuff link.

Anastasia side-glanced at Hannah who was taking call after call for Jack besides typing frantically the whole time.

The list of tasks Jack Hyde wanted Anastasia to complete today grew longer hour by hour.

Still in a meeting Jack was emailing her even more requests, his e-mails short and harsh in tone.

It was a busy day for both of them with no relief in sight and Ana decided to fetch a quick coffee for her colleague and tea for herself while another e-mail arrived in her inbox.

After a quick chat with Hannah on her way back Anastasia returned to her desk. The e-mail that had arrived moments ago caught her attention immediately.

From Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.. From its CEO as a matter of fact.

She gasped and Hannah asked if she was okay. Of course she was. Or maybe not?

Anastasia nodded quietly unsure if she should just delete the e-mail. That was what no contact was about, right? To ignore him and his damned advances. She bit her lower lip, clasping the mug of hot tea in her hands, staring at her screen, torn.

Hands on my hips I stood by the window, staring outside when Andrea knocked on the office door, peeking into the room to alert me to the next meeting.

I glanced at my Patek Philippe and nodded, following her to the conference room, glancing down at the phone in my hand.

Still no message from Anastasia.

Surely opening the e-mail wouldn't hurt.

She wouldn't have to answer.

She could always delete it after reading it.

Anastasia's hands were shaking when she moved the mouse to click and open the e-mail.

The message was short. Christian was offering a ride to Portland for the art show tomorrow.

José!

She gasped again, last week's events had plunged her into utter chaos, that and the new job - she had completely forgotten about the exhibition and José's invitation.

Anastasia rummaged around in her purse, looking for her phone.

Why hadn't José called?

And then it dawned on her and she stared at the e-mail again.

The Blackberry!

Had Christian...?

No he wouldn't, would he?

Anastasia bit her lip again, about to answer Christian, when she heard Jack Hyde's voice somewhere down the corridor.

Quickly she pulled out a file and leafed through it, trying to look busy.

"Hannah! Get William on the phone right now.", Jack barked as he strode past their desks and towards his office, a haughty expression plastered all over his face.

"Coffee?", her arched his eyebrow, throwing both Hannah and Anastasia a contemptuous look.

"Ana, I want the Johnson report on my desk in fifteen minutes.", with that he slammed his office door shut.

Listening to several proposals for action I gently pushed my fountain pen next to the file that lay right in front of me, making sure that it was perfectly in parallel with the folder.

Another glance at my phone. Nothing.

I would make Flynn pay for all this.

It had been his idea after all. To reach out. To take it slow.

To make a fucking fool of myself.

What a god-awful idea.

That muscle in my jaw jumped again and I could feel Ros looking at me.

I shifted in my chair and glared at her, she lowered her gaze immediately.

Christian,

thank you for the offer but I

Anastasia furrowed her brow and stared at the screen.

"Ana!", Jack called and headed towards her desk.

Startled at his quick return Anastasia inadvertently pushed enter and gasped.

Sent!

"Ana?"

She pressed her lips together, cursing herself.

"Yes, Jack?", Anastasia tried to sound calm and looked up at him.

"The Johnson report!", Jack Hyde pointed at his watch and rose his eyebrows.

A soft buzz jerked me out of my thoughts.

I stared down at the phone.

From Anastasia.

I felt a sudden heat creeping up the back of my neck that only intensified when I realized that her message was incomplete. It was even containing a but.

I wondered what she wanted to tell me.

But meant no, didn't it?

As if a no could ever stop me. The corner of my mouth twitched amusedly.

'I'll pick you up at seven.', I replied. No buts about it.

You can do this, Grey!