Chapter 38: "Wheels"
Joel didn't lower the pistol immediately, although he did un-train it on its frozen target. "Get in here," he barked at Ellie, even though he half thought he was hallucinating from being tired and... out of sorts? ...whatever the hell he was today. "Someone chasin' you?"
"No!" she panted. "I was just - running - to the jeep -"
Now he lowered it - holstered it, even - and she clambered into the passenger seat.
She looks real enough... "What the hell are you doin' here?" he snarled. How long did I doze off for? Jesus... There was no way Ellie should have been able to track him down so fast. Or at all, if no one let her out. Who the hell let her out?! He should have known better than to trust Tommy's assurances.
She unloaded her backpack on the floor by her feet and settled herself sideways, facing him, one leg curled beneath her. Her hair was as messy and tangled as he'd ever seen it, un-ponytailed and wind-blown. She didn't answer him, but she was still catching her breath...
And goddamnit- "Where's your gun?"
She smiled, seemingly unaffected by all his surliness. "In my bag," she replied - breath caught at last. "I was kind of in a hurry."
That was a piss-poor excuse if Joel ever heard one. "Too much of a hurry to keep your gun handy?"
She shrugged. "I knew I wouldn't need it. You just came through here yourself, see, so I knew it would be clear."
"Bullshit. I've been here a little while - someone could've come through after me. They'd've spotted an easy mark in you, unarmed... not even payin' attention to her surroundings..."
"I was! And I am armed. I could've pulled my gun out in two seconds if I had to."
"Which might've been-"
"Two seconds too late," she finished with him, laughing softly. "Yeah yeah, I know. If I had known you were here, I would've stopped and put my fucking holster belt on just to spare you the trouble of lecturing me. And I would've come up the driveway from the street so you could see it was me instead of coming around the corner and startling the shit out of you like that. Sorry!"
She hadn't exactly startled the shit out of him, as her running approach certainly had not been silent and had given him ample time to un-recline himself and ready a gun, but he sure hadn't been expecting to find that the source of the noise was her. Joel had to accept that despite Tommy's promises to keep her safe, Ellie was indeed here in the flesh. "What the hell are you doin' here?" he asked her again.
"Isn't it obvious?"
"No. They weren't s'posed to let you out."
"Yeah, well, if I want something bad enough, I make it happen," Ellie declared, looking quite pleased with herself. "And I didn't even have to kill anyone!"
...How in tarnation did she do it? But, curiosity aside, it didn't matter- "Well, you wasted your time. I'm takin' you back."
"Oh no you're not! Not unless you're coming in with me!"
Joel had the keys in the ignition already; he started up the jeep.
"I will jump out of this car right now, Joel! I swear I will!"
"No you won't. Not after comin' all this way to find me."
"Yes I will! Cuz I know you're not gonna just... take off and leave me here by myself."
Joel sighed. "My plan wasn't to sit here all day." He should've been gone already, but upon taking a break to rest, his eyelids had decided they didn't want to stay open... and since he hadn't realized there was any hurry, he'd indulged the fuckers. If he had known Ellie was practically right on his heels...
"I'll go with you. Wherever you wanna go. But... I mean... you left without me, so I think we need to talk about that first?"
Joel turned the engine off and scowled at her. "Yes - I left without you. You know why? Because I don't want you comin' with me."
"That's a lie. You can't scare me off with your tough guy bullshit, and you're not fooling me with this... act. Like you're pissed at me for following you. Pffff! You're not. You love me. You're glad I found you."
He could let her talk... let the words go in one ear and out the other, if he had to... but when she reached for him, he had to push her back. "Ellie, don't."
"Don't what? Don't touch you? Yeah, because you just hate it when I do that."
She might think it was an act on his part, but she was truly irritating him now. "Maybe Tommy didn't explain this to you-"
"Oh, he explained plenty! He fed me a heaping pile of horseshit. I know this is all his fault. Don't worry - I'm not mad at you."
Joel snorted. "It was my decision to go. Don't blame Tommy."
"He fucking made you leave! Of course I blame Tommy!"
"He didn't make me. If anythin', he shook some sense into me."
"Uh, no he didn't. More like he brainwashed you." She reached for his hand.
"Ellie, if you keep tryin' to touch me-"
"Okay, sorry, sorry - maybe we should go sit in the house?"
"This is fine right here. ...You shouldn't even be here. You were not s'posed to follow me."
"Yeah, well, you weren't supposed to leave me, either. But it's okay - like I said, I'm not mad. It's Tommy's fault. He took advantage of you."
Christ... "He took advantage of me? That is the dumbest-"
"No, listen! He did! That's why you didn't stand up to him when he was saying all that stupid shit yesterday! Because you still feel guilty about us, even though-"
"I feel guilty because it's wrong. We are wrong. You an' me. We never should've gotten romantically involved."
"Pffff, you don't mean that. We belong together and you know it. I don't even mean the romance part - we just belong together. Period."
He used to believe that. How can I make her understand? "Maybe we did at one time. But not anymore. And that's on me. We could've stayed together, with the kind of relationship we were supposed to have - the kind we did have - 'til I messed that-"
"You didn't mess up anything! We changed things - together - because we both wanted to!"
"And how many times have we had this argument? You're a kid, I'm an adult. It was my responsibility-"
"I'm not a kid, and stop acting like everything is your fault! Fuck - it's not even a... fault thing. That makes it sound bad."
"That's because it is bad. I ain't gonna go another hundred rounds with you on this." Joel turned the key in the ignition again. "I'm takin' you home."
This time, Ellie did get out of the jeep. "I told you I'm not going back without you!"
"Fine, I'm goin' Inside with you. Now get back in."
Ellie crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him.
"Get back in the car, Ellie."
"I don't believe you."
"Well, we've got the whole ride back for you to change my mind, then. Come on."
"The whole ride won't be that long - and no. No way! You're gonna drive me back there, push me out at the gate and yell at someone there to come get me, and drive off so fast I can't run after you - then they're gonna take me back to Tommy and he's gonna handcuff me to the bed - not in the fun way - and I'm going to be stuck in that room all day every day for the rest of my life! Like... I'll be lucky if he even gives me a pot to piss in. Is that what you want?"
The girl always did have a flair for the dramatic. Joel was not amused this time. "Ellie, get in the goddamn car. Now!"
"I just told you why I'm not doing that! You're gonna have to tie me to the seat. Oooo, that could be fun..."
Joel shut the engine off again and ran his hand through his hair in frustration. Guess we should talk in the house... but damnit, we don't need to have this same conversation for the thousandth time-
She hopped back into her seat. "We don't have to go back to Jackson. Fuck that place! If they don't want us there-"
"It ain't that they don't want us there. It's where you need to be. I'm the one that-"
"Oh, fuck that - so you're saying I belong there, but you don't?"
"Yes."
"And that's because...?"
"Because you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you. You need to be around people. You thrive on it - don't deny that, 'cause I've seen it firsthand. Me, on the other hand-"
"What, you're too old to be around people?"
"...My life is behind me. I've done everything there is to-"
"Joel, shut up, okay? Don't say things like that! It scares me."
Joel was careful not to look at her; he couldn't let her get to him. He wouldn't put it past her to burst into tears on demand if she thought it would force him to comfort her. -It won't, though. I'm done. I said goodbye last night- I ain't gonna emotionally engage with her here.
"And it's totally not true," she continued. "Remember your song about future days? It's for both of us. Our future."
"That was meant to be... as father'n'daughter. For when we would naturally drift apart as you got older-"
"What? That makes no sense. We were together the first time you sang it to me! I mean we were in love already!"
"Yes but that wasn't how it was intended, at first." ...I don't think, anyway? Hell - his fatherly feelings for her were still all entangled with the romantic ones. "I never meant that we would... have the same future. You're gonna go on... meet lots of people... get married... have kids..."
She put her hand on his, making him jerk his hand away again. "Sorry - just - for fuck's sake, Joel - I can do that stuff with you!"
"Ohhhh no. No, I'm done with all that. You will go on an' find someone you can grow old with. Not someone who's already-"
"You're not old! Ugh you're impossible!"
"Maybe you stopped thinkin' of me as old... or you're tryin' to stop thinkin' of me that way... but yes I am. Far too old for you. And I'm only gettin' older. You remember that day I messed up my ankle?"
"...Yeah... so? That could've happened to anybody. Any age."
"Do you remember how I treated you? What sort of mood I was in?"
She rolled her eyes. "If you're trying to tell me that because of this one day-"
"What I'm tellin' you is that was a little sneak peek at the future. I'll be old an' decrepit, won't be able to do anythin' without help... and I won't take too kindly to it. I'll be miserable, and I'll make damn sure you're as miserable as I am. You wanna deal with that every day? I don't want that for you."
"Oh my God - are you serious right now?" she laughed. "That's not going to happen. Unless you're talking like... fifty years from now. Then I'll be old, too, so who cares?"
"Fifty years from now I'll be dead."
She quirked her eyebrow at him. "At... let's see... a hundred and one? Pfff, no way."
"Fine - say I live to be a hundred an' two. That puts you at... what... sixty-somethin'? -Sixty-seven. You will have wasted your entire life with an old man. And with nothin' to show for it."
"That... would be awesome. When that happens, I'll consider myself lucky to have spent every single minute that I-"
"Knock it off, Ellie. You want kids - I don't. I'm givin' you the chance to-"
"I never said I wanted kids! ...I don't think?"
She may not have said those exact words, but Joel knew what was in her heart. "I don't mean right this second, but in the future? Yes you do. You've said things... -Or, think back to when we had the pregnancy scare. You said you'd keep the baby."
"That doesn't mean... I mean, yeah, I'm not going to kill our baby - that doesn't mean I want to have a baby."
"But you do. Someday. And you should be a mom. Any kid would be lucky to have you as their mother."
"And you as their father!"
He shook his head. "Nope. Ain't happenin'. Even if I wasn't too old... no. Hell no." He couldn't believe that just yesterday, he had defended the idea of embarking on fatherhood again. It had been real easy for him to slip back into the familiar hell no mindset on that count, at least.
"You're not too old. But - whatever. So we don't have kids. That's fine! I don't care about having kids - I just wanna be with you. Like... if we have them, great, if we don't, great. I don't care."
"Maybe it's real easy to say that now, at sixteen-"
"Oh for fuck's sake - yes, I'm young. I get it. But that's not... you're looking at things all wrong, Joel! You're trying to like... write my future, as if you know everything that's going to happen!"
Maybe he couldn't write it up exactly... but he knew her. Knew how she affected the people around her. Knew what she brought to the world. And he knew that this... this broken heart/betrayal/what-have-you - this wouldn't break her. "I have a pretty good idea what would happen if I weren't in the picture."
"Oh yeah? I bet you don't. Unless you say that I would be fucking miserable for the rest of my life."
"You won't be. It'll hurt for a while, and I'm sorry about that, but you'll get over it." He didn't sound sorry, to his own ears. He sounded harsh and cold. Like a heartless old bastard. Good - that's what she needs to see from me right now.
"I won't get over it," she declared. "We've talked about this already! I'll never get over it. You wanna talk about wasting my life? That would do it. I'd be too depressed to do anything. Like Stella did, back home - I'd mope around for a while and eventually go off and kill myself or something."
Joel refused to even entertain the thought of Ellie doing something like that. "We don't know that that's what she did. But you're a lot stronger than her. You have the... the fortitude of a true survivor. All the shit you've been through in sixteen short years - none of it's broken you, an' this won't, either. You'll be fine."
Ellie snorted. "This would break me. I'm telling you, Joel - you think I'm this... wonderful, amazing person, right? ...You know why you think that? Because you've only seen me when I'm with you. You make me that way."
Joel laughed bitterly. "Me? All I've done is hurt you an' screw you up. I can't take any credit for-"
"You haven't hurt me! Or screwed me up!"
Joel had to shift his gaze long enough to shoot her a Look for such an obvious lie.
"I was already fucked up, okay? And you're not the one hurting me right now - it's fucking Tommy! God, I really hate your brother! Now I get why you didn't talk to him for so many years! Fuck - that was one of the smartest things you've ever done, separating from him."
He sighed and dropped his gaze again. "I ain't even thinkin' of... this. There's been plenty of times you were hurt by me, or because of me. And Tommy ain't here right now. This is me, causin' you more pain because you're too damn stubborn to listen to reason."
"You're not! I'm-" When she made him jerk away from her yet again, she stuck her hands beneath herself. "Sorry! Sorry, I'll just sit on them so I can't... act on the urge to touch you."
Cute. He wondered how long she would actually sit on them. "Are you really gonna sit there an' tell me that I've never hurt you?"
"Not on purpose, you haven't. And you can't say the same for me! I have hurt you on purpose."
Joel wasn't sure what she was referring to, but he wasn't going to ask for details. "Don't matter if it's on purpose or not. Fact is, it's happened. A lot. I think you've been hurt so much in your life that you think it's normal, but it ain't."
She shook her head so vehemently that he could see it without really looking. "No! You've made me happier than anyone else has - ever! Plus - I'm only alive because of you!"
"You nearly died a hundred times over 'cause-"
"Well, then, so did you - that's life on the Outside!"
"Which is exactly why you need to be Inside-"
"With you!"
"-away from the likes of me. I've hurt you more than you even know." Yep, I think it's time to tell her- And he had to look at her when he did (he noticed her hands were back in the vicinity of her lap again, no longer suppressed by her butt). "Remember Sacramento? That one's on me."
It took her a second to register this statement, out of the blue as it was. "Uh... what I remember is you saved me and took care of me. It's not your fault you didn't find me right away. You have to stop blaming yourself for that!"
"Ain't talkin' about that." Although if he'd been thinking more clearly, he would have found her right away. Possibly before she even realized what had happened - and certainly before she'd gotten so sick from the infection in her leg. "You wondered how you managed to get into some place you couldn't get out of. Speculated that someone trapped you in there."
"Yeah - or, more likely, the hide-out wasn't as stable as I thought it was, and it collapsed. Or part of it did."
"Nope - it's the first one. It was me that did that. I trapped you in there."
She looked at him blankly. "You... what? You would never-"
"But I did."
"...How?"
"I attacked a hunter with enough C4 on him to shake things up pretty good down there. I'm sure it didn't help that an earthquake had hit at some point an' no repairs ever got made afterwards... but that's the force that made the vendin' machine fall all the way over an' block your path instead of leanin' over it, makin' that triangle doorway you described. I didn't even notice the damn thing wasn't in the same position it was in when we got there - it was Sophie who noticed that. Two whole days-"
"Joel Joel Joel - stop - okay, so... you killed some hunters. Because you knew they were gonna kill me if they found me. You were protecting me! Obviously you didn't know-"
"I didn't know where you were at, yet here I am, lobbin' explosives from above... I should've known there was a chance-"
"Oh my God - it's still not your fault! You told me to stay with Sophie and I disobeyed you - you thought I was with Sophie in that truck!"
Joel wouldn't even have counted that as a valid excuse if it had been the case. Because he knew her better than that; she had demonstrated on multiple occasions that she would not do as she was told if she thought she knew better. Especially if she thought he was in danger. But- "No, I knew you had come over to help me - I knew you had killed one of 'em, 'cause I heard 'em talkin' - they were all pissed off, out for blood -"
"Well, whatever - why would I be across the street from where you were? Across from that building I knew you had gone inside to search?" Ellie had never recovered some of her memories from that time span, so as far as Joel knew, she didn't even know the answer to that herself. "Why would you even think I was over there?!"
"We figured you were runnin' away from-"
"Yeah, after, you figured that. But in the moment-"
"There were hunters on that side. You were helpin' me with the hunters, so obviously there was a chance that you were close to 'em. I should've known better than to take such a stupid risk."
Ellie groaned. "Whatever! But you didn't mean to - like I said, you've never hurt me on purpose! And I'm totally recovered from that, so-"
"Are you? I don't think you are. You still have panic attacks. Pitch-black places... a bug crawlin' on you..."
"I was having panic attacks before that."
"Not as many. That started 'em up again."
"But I barely have them anymore!"
"You still have nightmares."
"Hardly ever! I think you have more than I do now! And Joel, I know you suffered way more than me during all that. I think it fucked you up more than you let on. But me... I don't even remember it!"
"You remember enough."
"But I was unconscious so much - the fever and everything - and... oh! You know what I remember the most? Was how scared I was for you. I had no idea where you were... I knew if you were with me when it happened, then you would've stopped it somehow, or got me out... I thought you must be dead, because I was in there by myself, and I knew you wouldn't leave me alone. If you were dead... then I wanted to be dead, too." Her voice broke a little on that last bit.
Goddamnit... Joel had to look away again. He did remember her asking him several times if he was dead, when she'd had that raging fever... before the antibiotics had kicked in. I can't talk about this shit- "You should never want that. That's one more reason you'n'me shouldn't be together. It ain't healthy for you to-"
"That is Tommy talking! We're the same, you and me. We love each other so much that we're nothing without the other. That's just the way it is."
"You... will never be nothin'. We are two separate people, Ellie. Separate people who need to go their separate ways." Said with more conviction, now that he'd regained his composure.
"I don't believe that. And neither do you. You're trying to convince yourself, but-"
"I'm tryin' to convince you, because it's the truth. Our time together is done." He even looked her in the eye when he said it.
Ellie was unperturbed as ever. "Nope, not buying it. And you know what? I already know you can look me in the eye and flat out lie to me all the same, so don't think that makes your bullshit any more convincing. You're trying to sound like an asshole and make me get mad at you so that I give up on you, but I won't - because this isn't you."
Why the hell does she have to be so stubborn?! "I've got news for you: this is the real me. The me that lives in reality an' not up in the clouds - or out on some beach - with you. Don't get me wrong - it was nice while it lasted, but nothin' lasts forever."
Ellie snorted. "Still not buying it. Next you're gonna remind me that eventually, all romantic relationships turn to shit. Right? Isn't that what you used to say?"
Joel didn't remember saying it, but it sounded like something he might have said... might have believed... before he'd been in one with Ellie. And I was right - I just forgot for a little while, is all. "I didn't want it to end this way. I tried to spare you the-"
"Oh, bullshit! You weren't sparing me - you were sparing yourself! You were too much of a fucking coward to tell me to my face that you were leaving!"
He wouldn't bother denying that. Does she also know I never would've been able to leave her? As things stood now, after he'd had several hours to steel and strengthen his resolve... to slip back into his old skin... he felt confident that he wouldn't crack. Her hunting him down so quickly had thrown a monkey wrench into things, but he could overcome it. "Maybe I also wanted to spare us both the pointless arguments that would ensue - like this one."
"So your great plan - sorry, Tommy's great plan - was for you to sneak off, assume I wouldn't bother to follow you cuz... gee, not like I care about you or anything... and go... where? Oh, right: to be with another guy and his daughter. Why would you do that to yourself?"
He eyed her suspiciously. "Who says that's where I'm goin'?" I never told Tommy about them...
"Oh - you mean you all of a sudden like strawberry jam so much you had to take some with you?"
...Right. "Guess I reckoned you two would have bigger things to discuss than the food I took."
"But why are you going there? That little girl is going to either remind you of Sarah or of me, and she already has a dad, so... are you trying to torture yourself? ...You are, aren't you? Is that what this is about? Punishing yourself?"
He hadn't thought of it that way, exactly... the punishment thing was more of a bonus rather than a reason - and he wasn't sure he would even classify it that way. "They could use my help... and they could use this jeep. Two against the world is a rough deal... as you well know."
"So you figured you'd make it three. Except then there's that whole third wheel thing... I like that expression. Two wheels works out okay, and four wheels works out fine too, but three just fucks everything up. ...Unless you're talking about a tricycle, but you have to forget that image or it doesn't work. We're talking about just a normal... rectangular thing."
The tricycle thing was just... classic Ellie. The way she looks at things... "Who says it can't be a tricycle?"
"It's just not, okay? It's not a... triangular shape. So you either have two wheels or you have four. Or more, I guess... like on those big-ass trucks... you just can't have an odd number like three."
Fine- "It wouldn't be like that. They'd be the two wheels, and I'd be more like... a spare."
For some reason, that silenced her for a few long moments. Am I finally getting somewhere with her? About damn time. Gotta stay on guard, though-
"That's so sad," she finally said quietly. "Do you really think... that's all your life is worth? Just..."
"What my life is worth is a whole 'nother debate. But I can't help thinkin' that we met them for a reason. He's an outcast, I'm an outcast. We both have-"
"You're not an outcast!"
"-young girls we care about, only his relationship is pure an' good, like mine used to be until I shot it all to hell. Even that little girl's name - Karma. Is that a sign or what?"
"Young woman, in your case," she corrected him. "And ours is pure and good! It's-"
He cut her off with a bitter laugh. "Us? Pure an' good? What universe are you livin' in?"
She almost touched him again, but caught herself this time. "Joel, listen - if that's what you want? If you wanna go help them? I'll go, too - I'll be the fourth wheel that makes things run smooth!"
Nope, we ain't going nowhere yet in this conversation. Just spinning our wheels in the mud... spraying dirt all over... how can I pull us up out of this rut? "That ain't what you want."
"Yes it is! I fucking hate Jackson now. And that was really nice, spending time with them - with Karma and Paul. I liked it too, you know."
"You may have liked it fine for a couple days, but we were father'n'daughter with them, remember?" And now Joel knew why he had enjoyed those days so much: his soul had felt like it was finally at peace. Sure, he'd missed being with Ellie in the romantic sense, but... it had also felt good. Good to do right by her. And it will again, if I can get her to-
"If that's what you want, then that's what we'll do!" Ellie declared cheerfully. "We'll be father and daughter again. Done!"
Joel snorted. "Even if that was possible, you wouldn't be happy with that."
"Yes I would! And it is possible! Joel - if you wanna go back to Jackson and do it there? I would do that, too."
"You just said you hate Jackson," he pointed out (although he knew she didn't even mean it).
"I don't care - I just want to be with you. Wherever you are, in whatever way you want me to be. I'll do it! I can be just your daughter. Whatever you want."
He scowled. "You shouldn't say things like that. You shouldn't wanna just... be whatever I want you to be. Don't give me that kind of power over you. Over your life."
"But I'm telling you - it's more important to me to be with you," she said earnestly. "Period. That's the most important thing in the world. Nothing else matters!"
"Mm. Remember that night you left 'cause... I said we couldn't be together the way you wanted? And we couldn't even hug, or cuddle on the couch... you said you couldn't stand it, so-"
"Ugh - but then don't you remember after that, when I told you I was fine with it because I care about you and that's the only thing that matters? I wasn't going to make you sleep in the bed with me anymore, even."
It was cute that she still thought of it as her making him sleep there. Like he was doing her a favor. No - thinking about her being CUTE ain't conducive to ending this, so I'd better knock that off. "You only said that 'cause you knew I was about to kiss you. You knew I wasn't gonna hold you to it."
She laughed. "How could I possibly know that? And ha - you do remember it!"
Yes, that had been the point of no return, right there... that first kiss. If only he hadn't been so goddamn weak. He could've weaned her off even the innocent affection, focused her attentions away from him... she would've gotten over him eventually. Because she had been willing to compromise. Hell - not just compromise, but completely play things his way.
The problem with that, though...
She just has a knack for turning MY way into HER way... I CANNOT let that happen again...
"See, we were apart for a little while then, and I learned my lesson," she continued. "So now - today - we were apart again, and I learned-"
"We were only apart for a few hours this time, Ellie," he pointed out. "Less than we are on a day we both work."
"Well - it feels like it's been longer, doesn't it? I mean... somehow you got really far away in such a short period of time. ...And I'm not just talking about the trek over here, to the jeep." Her voice had gotten a little quieter.
What he could feel was her silent desperation... but he wasn't going to let it affect him. If he kept this up long enough, she would eventually slip into her old skin, too - the one she'd started to put on the first time he planned on ditching her. The one he'd seen her wearing when she left on that night he rejected her. She would harden herself to him. That wasn't what he wanted his last memory of her to be, but... so be it.
She sneaked her hand onto his knee, tentatively... like she expected him to shake it off... but he didn't this time. I'll show her it makes no difference if she touches me or not.
"We're closer than this, Joel. You've put up this wall... but I'll find my way over it again. Or... through it. Or under it. Whatever I have to do. If you would just quit telling yourself that you're bad and I'm good... the truth is, we're good together and bad apart. You think you've ruined my life... or that you will ruin it..."
"I will if you let me. So I ain't gonna let you let me."
She groaned. "Fuck, if you wanna look at it like that-"
"That's the way it is. I'm tellin' you." Not that he expected her to believe him. He just wished like hell that she would take his word on something, for once, instead of being so goddamn stubborn.
"Pfffffffffffffff. ...Okay, I'll make you a deal. If you give up this stupid idea that you have to leave me ~for my own good~, I promise that if you feel this way in ten years, I'll let you go. I won't give you any shit for it. I'll be twenty-six, so I'll still have tons of time to have kids if that's more important to me than being with you - which, I can tell you right now, it won't be, but your stupid brain doesn't want to accept that answer - and you don't have to feel bad about... wasting my good years or whatever bullshit-"
"You can say that right now 'cause you can't even imagine bein' twenty-six," he interrupted, gently removing her hand from his knee at last. "It's so far off in the future that it's never gonna happen, in your mind. But you're missin' the point. The kids thing was only part of it. You've still got a lot of growin' up to do yet."
"Less than two years! If you wanna wait 'til I'm eighteen to do the sex stuff again, that's totally fine with me!"
"...You'd be fine with it," he repeated dubiously. Sure... just like we can be father and daughter again, no sweat...
"Yes! Like I said - whatever you want! I meant it, Joel."
Ha! Yeah, I can see how that would go. We'd be right back where we are now. ...Or where we were yesterday, more like. "You don't stop growin' at eighteen. Physically, sure... you might already be done with that part, for all we know. But mentally... emotionally... you've got at least a few years to go beyond eighteen before you really-"
"What the fuck?" she cut in. "This whole time you've said eighteen is the magic number! Suddenly it's like- adulthood is a moving target?!"
He almost chuckled at that. She was so damn peeved at the thought... and rightfully so, after all the weight he'd put on the number eighteen. "In some ways. Anyone under thirty is still really just a kid."
"Uuuggghhh!" She flopped against the back of her seat dramatically. "That's just not right. You made that shit up! There's no law that says you have to be thirty to be a real grown-up!"
"Nope. Just old people like me who think that way 'cause we know people in their twenties still do a lot of stupid shit."
She turned towards him again. "Well, I won't! I'm mature, remember? I stopped doing stupid shit even before my twenties!"
"...I ain't even gonna go there. But you know I have a good argument on that one."
She smiled sheepishly. "Well... not since I turned sixteen, anyway? I mean... unless you count, like... leaving the door unlocked yesterday. And then being loud. Two stupid things."
He couldn't look at her when she was smiling like that. He might... forget. "Point is, you ain't gonna really come into your own unless I ain't around to hold you back. I know you don't see it that way, 'cause you're young and you don' know any better-"
"And you do?!" she retorted.
"Yes. Bein' older an' wiser."
"But - that doesn't - that's just - ...ugghhh. Like... what do you expect me to fucking morph into, that I'm only gonna do if you're not there? Cuz... that would not go how you're expecting it to. You can't just... break a person's heart into a zillion pieces and think they're going to go on and do great things, like nothing happened!"
Yes I can - because you WILL do great things. He was certain of that. "Happens all the time. It'll make you stronger."
"No - that's just more bullshit you like to tell yourself. I'm a much better person when I'm happy, and you make me happy... see the logic there?" She rested her hand on his knee again. "You're acting like you keep me locked up and I never see anyone else or do stuff with people besides you. And you don't, at all - you're always encouraging me to be with my friends, and I don't just follow you around your boring construction jobs all the time - I do my own stuff. At the farm, and the library-"
"Yes, you do all that. But most of your free time, you're with me."
"Because I want to be, silly! Because you're my boyfriend. Everything is better when I'm with you. Why would I want to be with- oh!" Apparently, new inspiration had struck her. "So, you're dumping me because you want me to be with another guy, instead. Is that right?"
Christ... keep cool, though... "I wouldn't say that's the singular reason, but yes, I want you to meet a... a nice boy-"
"Right! But - like you're always telling me - most younger guys are like... evil scumbags who only think about sex. You have this fantasy about me finding someone good, but pfffff. I'm more likely to find a Shelby. Someone who pretends to be sweet but then-"
"I'm trustin' Tommy an' Maria to look out for you an' make sure the guy's good enough for you." He really needed to shut down this angle she'd latched onto; she knew damn well he couldn't stand thinking of her with hands-y assholes. "And I'm hopin' that that's one good thing you take away from our relationship: when you're ready for the next one, you'll know that... if he really cares, he won't force you to do things that make you feel uncomfortable. He won't belittle you or demean you... an' no matter how upset he may get, he'll never raise a hand to you... he'll treat you with the respect you-"
"Don't you get it? You're describing yourself, Joel! No one loves me like you do. No one else would be the way you are-"
"There's plenty that would. Plenty." Every time he felt the way she did - that there'd be no one like him - it was just vanity. "And they won't be so goddamn overprotective, either."
"But I like that you protect me!"
"Hell - maybe it won't even be a guy at all. It could be a girl. Maybe you ain't actually bisexual... you were just confused about me 'cause I messed with-"
"What?! Fuck you, Joel! Fuck you. How dare you say that, like - like I never really wanted you or something? That makes no sense. You think I'm confused?! What, like I've been faking the orgasms this whole time? Maybe I can't get hard like you do - but my body does fucking react - I'll prove it to you right now-"
"Oh no you will not." He had to wrestle her back into her seat before she straddled him. And he had to be careful not to turn it into the play-wrestling that she enjoyed so much. ...That they both enjoyed, really, but he was done enjoying shit now. Job done - and hands off, immediately... or as soon as she stopped squirming. He settled back into his seat and crossed his arms over his chest. "That ain't what I meant. I'm sorry, all right? Calm down. It just came out wrong."
She shot him a venomous look, but remained in her seat. "You were pretty fucking clear."
"I just meant... maybe that's somethin' you oughta explore. Maybe you owe it to yourself to-"
"This is exactly why I didn't tell you about Riley for so long - because I knew you were going to just... spew this crap at me about... ~finding my true preference~ or some shit. -NO. I already told you - I am Joel-sexual. So if you want me to never have sex again the rest of my life, well... I guess you're doing the right thing."
He wasn't going to fall for that one... but he did take it as a step in the right direction that she'd finally acknowledged that the split was really happening. He didn't expect her to give up just yet, but maybe she'd be ready to go home... soon-ish? He was itching to get out and walk around a bit by now, but he felt like they were safer (in more ways than one) if they stayed in the jeep. Fighting with her while simultaneously fighting his feelings for her was mentally exhausting... and detrimentally exhausting, given that they were Outside. The odds of any enemies hovering nearby was slim, but not slim enough. Not where Ellie was concerned.
Hopefully it won't take too much longer to convince her...
Joel couldn't say how much time had passed, but if his sun-movement estimate was anywhere near the mark, it had been about a couple hours since Ellie had shown up. She'd tried every trick in the book to get him to 'come around' to her way of seeing things, but Joel's resolve stayed strong. Not looking her in the eye helped with that, in his weaker moments. But he could still hear her sniffling... her voice wavering... she stopped short of outright sobs, which Joel had been bracing himself for all along. Ellie wasn't typically a crier, but he wouldn't put it past her to conjure up some tears if she thought it would help her win him over. I reckon she's storing them up... saving that for the grand finale... I CANNOT let her get to me... no matter WHAT she does... she'll be FINE... a good cry never hurt anyone...
After rehashing what felt like every segment of every argument they'd ever had on the subject of the right- or wrongness of their relationship, Ellie finally seemed to be as emotionally exhausted as Joel had been about an hour ago; now he was beyond exhausted by it all, and seriously ready to physically tie her to the car seat if need be. He hoped it wouldn't come to that.
It did seem that she had finally resigned herself to being driven back to Jackson. The plan was for Joel to park the jeep out of range of the gate and march her back up there the rest of the way, hand her over to the guards, and not leave until Tommy came to collect her personally - at which point Joel would be sure to rip his brother a new one for allowing her to escape. In fact, Joel was seriously considering asking his brother to cuff her hands behind her back, right there at the gate, since Tommy obviously couldn't be counted on to contain her without such physical assistance. Only then would Joel feel safe in taking off again.
He was feeling good about this plan. It probably should have been Plan A all along, to bluntly explain things to Ellie and make sure she was too angry/hurt/upset/what-have-you to even want to try to find him, rather than allowing her to place all the blame on Tommy like she had. But maybe it worked out better this way... he truly didn't think he would have been able to leave her, but once the decision had been made and he'd had all these hours to fortify it in his mind, it was much easier. Even the thought of leaving her in handcuffs - as if she were the criminal here - didn't phase him anymore. He'd practically separated himself from his own damn self, not just from her; it felt very much like he was not the same man who had held her and comforted her when she was upset rather than continue to add insult to injury. Like he wasn't even inside his own body: this cold-hearted bastard had taken over in order to get the job done.
She still managed to stall a bit, though, before they left. She had to pee. She had to 'stretch her legs' after being in the jeep so long. She had to eat, drink... at this point, Joel pointed out that whatever else she needed could be done in the jeep on the way back - like eating. And she actually hadn't even eaten anything that he offered her. She took a few sips of water, but nothing else. "Just one more thing then," she said quietly, her voice (and his) a bit hoarse by this point. "Please."
"What," he replied curtly.
"Can I have a goodbye kiss?" she all but whispered.
Oh HELL no... that was possibly the only thing that might break him at this point - any sort of intimacy. It was also possible he could escape unscathed with just an emotionless peck on the lips, but he didn't want such a thing to be their last kiss. He stared straight ahead because he certainly did not want to have to fight the visual of those tear-filled green eyes pleading with him. "You got one already. Last night."
She absorbed that for a moment. "That was... a really good one. ...Okay."
He thought she may have been crying softly... that she was putting on a brave front by not completely dissolving into sobs right now. He couldn't risk looking at her. Maybe he ought to be even more of a dick... get her so riled up that she would declare her everlasting hatred for him, and all that. It might help her to hate him, instead of just... being so sad.
No-- Tommy and Maria would help her deal with the heartache, he was sure. They would talk about her feelings and shit, and work through all of it in a much healthier way than harboring such rage would allow her to do. That's just me thinking about the easy way out... AGAIN... whereas they'll do it the RIGHT way. Ellie had unwittingly taught him all about that herself, bringing him back to life the way she had. And he wasn't undoing that now; he would no doubt be a different version of himself than he was when he was with her, but he did care about Paul and Karma. It wasn't like he was cutting himself off from meaningful relationships, or exiling himself from human companionship altogether.
Joel made sure she had her seatbelt on, not as much for her own safety as for his own peace of mind: hearing the click of her undoing the belt would give him enough time to reflexively grab her before she could jump out, at any point along the way. It wouldn't do any good for her to run off, but if she was just trying to delay the inevitable, it would enable her to drag this shit out interminably, and Joel was just done. They made it all the way down the drive this time before she asked him to stop, claiming she was about to be sick.
"What, you have motion sickness all of a sudden?" he snarled at her... although he did remember her feeling sick after that day on the boat...
Still, how many hours had they spent in the jeep since then with no issue?
"Please, Joel!"
"Jesus, Ellie... you're worse than a two-year-old who don't wanna go to bed." He did stop the jeep for her, though. "Just lean over the side. No need to get out."
She ducked her head under the shoulder strap and leaned out (having a doorless vehicle did have its upsides).
Joel waited. He heard a couple little coughs, but nothing that sounded like vomiting. "Ellie, what are you-"
"Sorry," she mumbled, yanking her head back through the strap. "I felt like I was going to and then... I dunno."
Joel looked at her (risky though it was), taking in the slouching posture... the downcast eyes, somewhat red from prior tears. She was calm now, though. Dejected, but not upset. She did look a little... pale, maybe? But he was ninety-nine percent certain that she was either stalling or making a play for sympathy in the hopes that it would change his mind. I THINK I still see the wheels spinning in that pretty head of hers... she ain't done yet... gotta stay strong and not give her an opening.
"You ready now?" he asked none-too-gently; he needed to keep his guard up, and being a dick would help with that.
She nodded, but then before he even let up on the brake, she was stopping him again. "Wait! I'm... not ready. There's something you need to know."
Joel couldn't imagine what he could possibly 'need to know' that she hadn't already said a hundred goddamn times. He kept his gaze straight ahead. "Ain't gonna work. You can tell me on the way home if it's so damn important."
"No! No I can't. It might... matter to you. I dunno. If it doesn't, then... yeah, you can take me to Jackson and I won't argue with you. But... this decision you made... you might not have made it, if you knew... I wanted you to see things my way, like... because we love each other, and that's... seriously, the only reason there needs to be, for us to stay together. But, you don't see that, so... anyway, it wouldn't be fair if I just-"
"Would you spit it out already? Stop talkin' in circles. Christ."
...That shut her up completely.
She should know by now I ain't gonna take her in my arms and kiss all of this away, like I usually would! He was so spent at this point that he probably could have looked at her and not risked a damn thing, emotionally, but he kept staring out the windshield instead. With a quick scan of the periphery. Outside brain engaged... check. "I said spit it out. Or we're goin'."
He heard her take a deep breath; it seemed like she was gathering up courage or something. Joel was about to just start driving despite her protests. No more stalling- time to fix things up for good and just go- and it was beyond time to stop endlessly spinning the goddamn wheels... to get things moving forward again. (Or backward, depending on your point of view - either way, they'd be moving.)
Screw it- he sighed and shifted into first again.
And that's when Ellie finally found her words. Just two of them: "I'm pregnant."