Paris, 1885.
"Erik, you're in my closet again", Antoinette said as she entered her dressing room, not even looking inside the closet. She sat by her desk, stretching as she wrote notes for what she would have to do tomorrow.
"No", she heard from inside, "On the contrary, your closet is around me."
Pause.
"How did you know, anyway?"
"That there's a young man inside my closet? If you worked with young girls for as long as I have, you'd get really, really good at sniffing out boys hidden in closets too." That was a complete and total lie. While Antoinette was good at sniffing out secrets, she had no way of knowing where Erik was at any given moment due to the absolute silence with which he moved around. She simply had a very good hunch for when he was there, for reasons she couldn't explain. It had been a while - he spent the last few months offended from when she didn't notice his house was flooding from burst pipes, and Antoinette had no idea what else she could say to apologize to him. Finally she let him be, and it was only a matter of time before he would break and seek her out.
The door slowly opened, and Erik stepped out with no sound at all.
"How are you doing, sweetheart?" Antoinette asked.
"Fairly good. Are you going someplace?"
"Some of the production cast and crew are going to stay here for dinner. Younger members are going to be there too, my ballerinas, and the orchestra. You could stay around with me for a while, maybe- " She tried, but knew it was futile as soon as Erik looked down to the floor, a dejected slump in his shoulders, his fingers twitching slightly.
"I won't go", he said. "Do you want to go?"
Antoinette's voice wavered. She was planning to go, to be honest. "No."
"Don't stay here for my sake if you don't want to!" Erik's eyes now finally met hers, going from rejection to anger in a matter of moments.
"I don't like your tone!" Antoinette snapped back, ignoring the instant twitch in his body as she raised her voice. "I said I'm staying here, which means I want to!"
"Fine!" he crossed his arms, fuming silently and looking at some point in her wall; the twitch had moved to one of his eyelids.
"Sweetheart", she said, in a much gentler voice, and Erik's own furious stance faltered. There was a gnawing voice in the back of her head - Antoinette was already stretched thin between her job and her little daughter, and she couldn't keep choosing between Erik and the whole rest of the world. But he seemed so young; with his hair finally growing after they chopped that tangled mass he had after she found him, and so painfully thin, shy and constantly moody, in his head he was constantly shifting between a child and something resembling an adult. He was right: she couldn't handle it either, if he went outside and she saw him being hurt again. She was not ready to let him go. "Let's just have dinner. Just the two of us. It'll be fine. Do you want to come to my house? Meg is with her grandmother."
Erik looked back at her. "Your house?"
"What? It's not like I kicked you out of there, is it? You can come to my house, if just this once."
Erik's return to Antoinette's old house after quite a while stirred a lot more in him than he thought it would. He forgot how warm it was here, how small, and how friendly the light from the little lamps was. He had spent the way here in thoughtful silence, and he remained silent as he looked around, at Antoinette's old clock and small couch with wooden frame and legs, and soft cushions on it. Antoinette had rearranged her furniture since, making more room for her growing daughter and her things - she now had a small desk where Meg probably did her homework or drew with colored pencils or did whatever else Meg liked doing. He hadn't seen Meg since that incident with burst pipes; he wondered how she was doing. He looked at the paintings on the walls, and caught a glimpse of his own masked face in the wall mirror. He looked away on instinct, then glanced again. He looked so different from last time he was here - aside from the mask and the dark skin around his eyes and unusually tall, thin frame, he looked… surprisingly decent. His hair and nails had finally stopped growing weird and falling out after a decade of malnutrition; his lips were not even cracked. He was still thin, but no longer looked like a dead man walking. He was clean and his clothes were neat. He definitely didn't look as beastly or as evil as he had imagined; although he thought he would still not pass for a normal person, at least he resembled a person at all. It was a good month for him. His head was quieter than it had ever been before and his life was settling into something close to comfortable. He knew it wouldn't last, but for this one moment, he could forget about that fact. He could pretend he was a wandering son coming home from college to his mother.1
Antoinette hung their coats on the hangers by her front door and went into the kitchen. She had some meat and stew prepared earlier, thankfully, because she didn't feel like bothering with it now. She laid it out on the table, and started eating without much further ado. Erik would eat when he decided to, anyway.
Erik, possessed by some rare spark of sociability, sat across from her and after filling his plate, took a few slow, careful bites.
"I'm sorry you missed your dinner with the Opera staff", he admitted.
"I'm sorry you missed it", Antoinette replied. "You're a young man. I don't want you to spend your whole life in a dungeon. You could've at least sat somewhere by my side, even if you stayed in the shadows. Or you could have met someone, and made another friend."
Erik stared at his own plate, trying to gather his patience for this conversation. "I don't think you understand. I don't want to spend my whole life in a dungeon, either. But what I want even less is to spend it in chains."
"No one will touch you again, as long as I live."
"You can't really promise me that. You can't even promise I won't harm someone else, and neither can I. Let alone that nobody will ever harm me." he sighed. "It is what it is. It would be easier if you accepted that you can't protect me from everything."
Antoinette ate in silence. She was losing her resolve.
"I appreciate that you would try", Erik coughed. "Try to keep me safe. I do believe that you're trying, and I appreciate it."
"That will be enough for now, I suppose", she smiled without much joy. "I won't pretend I've been perfect so far, either."
"I didn't mean to make you unhappy. Do you want to do something else? You said you liked playing cards. Can you teach me to play cards?" he tried. Please, I love you, stop looking so unhappy to be around me.
"Oh, so you can beat me at yet another game? Alright, little ghost, let's see how fast you learn."
"Back when I was your age", Antoinette said, sipping her glass of wine and losing at canasta, "us girls used to play all sorts of card games in between rehearsals. I was always good at it."
"Well, not anymore, I suppose?" Erik smiled slightly.
"Ah, shut it. Anyway, I was… seeing this young man, at the time, before I met Lucien. I learned a bunch of new games, because his friends played them, and I taught them to the other girls. There was a whole epidemic of ballet girls playing cards, and it was terribly embarrassing for the Opera's reputation if they caught us, and all my fault of course. Because I befriended a flock of military men. I also taught the girls how to smoke cigarettes, also because of them, but that never caught on. They were too expensive for us."
"How did that end?" Erik asked.
"Well, first we got a really unpleasant tirade from our superiors, especially me, and then we got better at hiding our cards. And someone always kept watch in case the head of the ballet corpus showed up. Or the manager. Or, god forbid, the one cleaning lady who always told on us, for some reason that's beyond me. And now that I'm the head of the ballet corpus, I don't really bother unless they're openly doing something they shouldn't in front of me."
"How do you get them to listen to you?" Erik asked. "All those girls- they're constantly talking and giggling, but they all go silent when you're in the room. How did you do that? Why are they so afraid of you?"
"Afraid of me?" Antoinette looked up. "Sweetheart, they are not afraid of me."
"They are a little bit, at least."
"Alright", Antoinette laughed. "A little bit afraid, yes."
"How do you do that?" Erik asked.
"I don't know. People have always listened to me", Antoinette shrugged. "My mother always said I have a commanding presence. I say something, and people take it seriously."
"How does it work? What do you do?" Erik asked. "It's important."
"Why is it important?"
"I asked first."
"Fine. I'll have to think about it." Antoinette thought for a moment. "I suppose I don't bore my students with tirades or over-explaining. I say what I mean to say clearly and loud enough to be heard, but not louder than that. It's up to them to make sure they've heard me. That's why they listen."
"That's not all."
"No, be patient. I know these girls look up to me, because they know they can trust me. For every ounce of discipline I demand, they can be sure I will stand up for them if someone else from the management mistreats them. They can come to me for help, or tell me when they're in trouble. These are young adolescent girls- it's very important to them that other people approve of them; I was once like that, too. I'd like to give them a chance to enjoy their youth despite having to work so young. I don't mind what they are doing in their free time as long as they show up to work. The rules are clear, and they're the same for all of them", she thought about it some more. "Ballet is a delicate art- balancing on the tip of your body's capabilities; if you don't push yourself enough, you won't get anywhere, but if you push yourself too hard, you'll get injured. I've been able to remain a ballerina for so long precisely because I knew that balance. I know the difference between tired and whining."
"Well, they don't seem to oppose you very often."
"I don't like to create unnecessary conflict over small things. Most of the time they can manage themselves; it's in their own interest to get a good role, or get praised, or get paid better. It's only when they're consciously slacking off or disturbing others that I have to raise my voice."
"I see."
"I established this years ago, when I first became head of the ballet corpus. Every new girl who comes, simply learns from the old girls what the rules are. I barely need to lift a finger anymore. Why is this important?" Antoinette raised an eyebrow.
"It's… it's important to me. I've never seen someone command discipline without, well… draconic obedience."
"That's certainly a way to put it."
"Yes. Well. I thought it had to be possible, even as… as a kid, for another way to exist. But I've never actually seen it happen. Not until I met you."
"Well, it is. Loyalty and leadership are accomplished through people's hearts, not through the end of a whip. I've always tried to be the kind of mentor I needed at that age."
"I understand."
"And how are you going to use that knowledge?" Antoinette smiled.
"I won't", Erik felt his cheeks get hot under the mask. "I… am content where I am. I have no use for this information, but it gives me peace of mind."
Antoinette laughed. "But if you ever get the chance, please pass on my legacy: ballet pedagogy and modified rules for canasta."
"What happened to the man you were seeing?" Erik asked carefully. He was never sure what kind of questions he could ask.
"Oh, him? Unfortunately, I broke his heart. It was a shame, really, he really was an entertaining fellow."
"Why would you break his heart?"
"Not on purpose", Antoinette shrugged with an uncharacteristic, guilty smile on her face. "You see, I fell in love with his friend, and so I left him. They had a fight about it, but in the end, we all remained friends after I reasoned with them. He actually married one of my friends, and a few years later, I met Lucien. I stopped my shenanigans as soon as he proposed to me. And now, well, nobody would guess any of this when they see me, but I suppose I'm telling you."
Erik blinked.
"Would it help if I said I was a different person in my youth?" Antoinette winked at him. "A girl can allow herself a few years of reckless abandon before she settles down to be proper and responsible, right? It's not like I had a strict respectable family whose reputation I had to uphold. Nobody really ever paid any mind to what I did in my free time."
"Was it your commanding presence?" Erik laughed, a short, awkward laugh. "That made all those soldiers fall in love with you?"
"Perhaps? They do tend to get a bit too attached to authority figures", Antoinette remarked, and Erik laughed for real. It was a rare sound.
As time went on, Antoinette telling stories and Erik expressing proper disbelief at how irresponsible his strict and organized mother used to be, they completely forgot about how late it was until Erik, properly fed and relaxed for the first time in days, started leaning his head on his hand - then blinking, trying not to yawn, and losing his focus enough to also start losing at cards.
"The stagehands once played a prank on us, that I remember", Antoinette said. "They tied all of our dancing shoes together. It was a huge mess. We were all so late to our rehearsal. Nobody believed us. I will tell you how we got back at them, but right now, you need to go to bed."
Erik straightened. "No, I'm listening."
"You're really tired."
"I'm having fun", he admitted. "I don't want to leave."
"Leave?" Antoinette raised her eyebrows. "Do you really think I'd send you away so late? Your bed is still here. You can just go to sleep, and go back tomorrow."
"Well…"
"Can you clear your tight schedule tomorrow?" Antoinette raised her eyebrows. "I don't know when the next time you can come back here will be. Meg is away with Lucien's mother for the weekend, but she's unlikely to be in Paris again anytime soon. Just stay here."
"Fine, I suppose, thank you", he scratched his scalp awkwardly. Antoinette took a clean set of bedding, set it up as he protested he could very well do it himself, and then took a glass of water and set it by his bed.
"That's it. I'll let you have some privacy." She looked around the room to see if anything was missing. "Wake me up in the morning so we can have breakfast."
Erik nodded silently. He didn't really want her to leave.
Antoinette looked at him, then raised her hand to slowly and gently run it through his hair. "Good night, sweetheart."
Time slowed down as her hand brushed against his scalp and the skin on his temple, right next to the mask. Erik stood frozen on the spot, hoping if he didn't move she wouldn't move either, and they'd both stay like that forever. Maybe he could forget that this comfortable and warm room would never be enough for him; that he would grow restless until he went mad without hearing music and experiencing life from the only comfortable distance he could bear. Maybe he could forget that she could never keep him here, that she already had a child and a whole battalion of students; that he was too strange and his nightly terrors too loud for her to keep him in this small and stuffy apartment with her daughter and her neighbors. Maybe he could make himself into a person who could go outside and handle life on his own; maybe he could somehow miraculously become someone people wouldn't look twice at or someone who could talk to others in complete sentences and look them in the eye like any other person. Maybe he could pull the dark tendrils of rot out of his head and live like everyone else. But he didn't know how.
He didn't say any of that. He would never in a million years have the courage to say that out loud. But something about him must have given some part of it away, because Antoinette looked at him strangely and pulled him into a tight hug before she left the room.
Erik remained standing in the middle of the room as she closed the door behind her for a good few minutes before he finally snapped out of it and went to bed.
New York, 1895.
"Good morning, Carol", Daniel sang as he entered the Conservatory.
"It's Caroline, sugar", the receptionist replied. "And it's actually afternoon."
"Sorry, Clarice. How are you? What's that you're reading today?"
"On the Origin of Species", Caroline mumbled into her chin. "Leave me alone."
"Aw, but I know you didn't just suddenly become that boring! Come on, let me see!" Daniel craned his neck, but Caroline snapped her book out of his reach.
"Piss off, Dan!" she said. "It's a love story, if you really have to know!"
Dan withdrew his arms and waved his hands in a peaceful gesture.
"Sorry, sorry, enjoy your romantic fiction in peace. What's the newest gossip?"
"The newest gossip is that some bratty young soloist is missing from Heidel's orchestral rehearsals. I'm sure you've heard of the rumors?" Caroline smiled at Daniel behind thick glasses.
"I have no idea what you're talking about", Daniel said innocently.
"You're such a little bastard, Daniel. Is that why they kicked you out of the Academy?" Caroline slammed her book closed.
"What? Who said that?" Daniel's voice faltered for a second before it resumed its normal mischievous tone. "That may be one part of the rumor, but it's actually not true at all! I passed it, I finished college! Barely but fairly, Cassandra!" he waved his fingers in the air. "I even have a diploma to prove it, although these days I mostly use it as a coaster."
"How very controversial of you!" Caroline fluttered her eyelashes. "And now, what do you want from me?"
"Just the keys to the roof. I want to have a smoke."
"Aha? Alright, sugar, you can have the keys. And what are you going to do about your rehearsals with the orchestra?"
"That's another thing", Daniel purred. "I was going to ask you to tell Heidel I'm still working with Erik today, if he happens to come looking for me."
"That wouldn't be a problem", Caroline purred back, "Except Giry is going to come looking for you long before Heidel, and then you're screwed."
"Not if you tell him I'm actually auditing the orchestral rehearsals."
"You're screwed either way, Daniel! Do you think they won't figure it out soon enough? I'm not losing my job over your stupid grudge with authority!" Caroline yelled now. "Get down there and do your goddamn job! I want nothing to do with this!"
"Noooo, Coraline, please!" Daniel threw himself over her desk in mock desperation as he looked at her with a pleading look that probably usually worked on young girls. "I promise I'll face the Big Bad Wolf soon, just not today! I'm not quite ready yet!"
"Get off my desk, you little prick!" Caroline laughed, pushing him off; Daniel slid down with the same grin of mischief and desperation. "Fine, you get your keys to the roof, but I'm not going to feed your stupid web of lies! Get off the goddamn roof and into the rehearsals, and get my goddamn keys back before eight!"
"Thank you, Catherine the Great!" Daniel clinked with his keys as he skittered toward the roof. On his way up he ran into the janitor, who was currently fixing one of the lights on the second floor.
"Good afternoon, mr. Halasz."
"Good afternoon, Dan", said Halasz. "Skipping your classes again?"
"I'm actually not a student, so I'm skipping my job", Daniel clarified. "Do you need help?"
"Yes, actually, since you're not in a hurry", Halasz took off his toolbelt and threw it at Daniel, who barely caught it on time. "Hold this. When I say you pass me something, do it quickly."
"Got it", Daniel said.
After he was done, he took his time going up the roof. It was early enough that nobody would look for him for at least half an hour. As he opened the door to the roof, he was hit by a wave of unexpectedly warm wind - it was going to be one of the last really warm sunny days of the year, with crickets chirping and birds singing, even though the sun was already lower and its light more orange than it was in the summer. Daniel walked up to the rail and leaned, taking out his tobacco and rolling paper. He looked at the view from the balcony as he lit the match. He found the house where Louis used to live, way back in the distance, right where he could barely make it out.
Daniel wiped his eyes with his sleeve and turned to look the other way.
Oliver never ceased his cheerful chit-chat as Erik led him to his seat at the front row of the auditorium. The orchestra tensed as they passed next to them, afraid of Erik but at the same time, not nearly as afraid as he was of them. Oliver sat down, laid his cane on the ground and cracked his fingers.
"I'll just be listening today", he announced to the orchestra, turning in their general direction. "You don't have to mind me. I'm over here, learning my cues, fearing the same great dictator as you are."
Several of the members chuckled slightly.
"Which is not me, by the way", Erik added in what he thought was a normal tone of voice, but the acoustics of the room carried it enough that most of the orchestra sitting close to Oliver heard him. He realized that fact when they all started to giggle again, followed by whispering, "What? What did he say?", more whispering and then more giggling.
Erik's ears burned red with embarrassment as he sat next to Oliver. He didn't look at the orchestra even once.
"Is Dan coming?" Oliver asked.
"I wish I knew that", Erik replied, much quieter than before. "He said he'd definitely come this week, but it's been several days since I've seen him. Or since anyone's seen him."
"Nobody has seen him?"
"No."
"Have you asked around?"
"I've asked Heidel."
"There's nobody in this building less likely to know where Daniel is. Even if somebody here knows, they'd never tell Heidel of all people."
"Well, do you have any other ideas?" Erik's fingers twitched in frustration, which nobody could thankfully see. His black gloves melted into the dark velvet upholstery.
"Yes, ask around yourself. You're not going to get a lot of inside information on your orchestra if you're only working with the man on top." Oliver continued, "But not now. Heidel will be here any minute. Ask during the first break. In the meantime, you have to help me out here."
Heidel arrived shortly, cleaning his glasses against his coat as he walked briskly towards his spot. All of the orchestra tensed and straightened, including (and especially) Erik in his seat next to Oliver. Oliver was the only one who remained his usual attitude, waving at Heidel's general direction.
"Good to see you, Olly", Heidel remarked. "Just listening, or will you be joining us?"
"I'll listen for now", Oliver replied. "I can join in after the first half, if you two so decide."
"I'll leave that one to Erik", Heidel waved his hand at Erik to emphasize. "I'm only here to teach my students; arrange the rehearsals as you wish." Heidel had no intention of meddling in Erik's vision of the final product, but also no intention to take any responsibility for it. He was busy enough, and already stretched thin. He would stay only until at least one of his conducting students was ready to take over.
None of the conducting students looked particularly ready. They were, in fact, somewhat uneasy, unprepared and overworked. This was all a bit too much on top of everything else they had to do before the end of their semester.
"Jonsson isn't joining us today?" Heidel asked Erik. Erik opened his mouth but managed to say nothing, his cheeks and ears burning.
"It would be better for him to at least listen, if he doesn't want to participate in rehearsals yet", Heidel grumbled after a few incredibly awkward, terrifying seconds of silence. "It will be a battle just getting him to appear."
"I will take care of it", Erik managed, straightening up in a desperate attempt to look like he has some control of his own production.
"I'm fine with having all of his attention for now", Oliver replied lightly nudging Erik with his elbow, which made Erik flinch and students giggle once again. "Don't worry, Maestro, Daniel will do his part. I have no doubts about it."
I do, Erik thought. Heidel began the rehearsal.
"Miss Caroline", Erik stormed into the hallway and walked up to Caroline's desk. "I'm sorry to interrupt your daily reading, but I've lost something."
"I'm listening", Caroline put down her novel and took her glasses off, unnerved by the sarcasm. "What did you lose?"
"My violinist."
"Oh, again? A flighty little creature, isn't he? Where did you see him last?" she replied, shuffling through her guest book for Daniel's signature and time of arrival. She lifted her eyes back at Erik, who was staring at her with annoyance.
"I haven't seen him in days", he squeezed out through his teeth. "I know he allegedly keeps coming every day, but I somehow always miss him when I'm here."
"Well, that's unfortunate", Caroline replied tensely. They stared at each other for a few more seconds.
"Listen, I like that kid", she continued. "Don't go too hard on him. Little chickenheart went to have a smoke on the roof. I'm sure you can still catch him."
"Oh, I will", Erik said in a tone of voice that made Caroline look at him with surprise, then turned around on his heel and sped up the staircase.
"Hey, I mean it!" she yelled after him. "If you harass him, you and I are no longer friends!"
"Noted", Erik hissed to himself.
"Daniel?" Daniel heard a familiar voice behind him. Fuck. There was no way of escaping him now - Dan's best bet was to think of some believable explanation for why he was avoiding rehearsals and hiding on the roof like a kid skipping school. Daniel turned around and looked at him, trying his best to look apologetic and like there was some mistake, he wasn't feeling well, he's truly sorry - but something in Erik's movements betrayed he was so furious that Daniel simply froze in place as soon as he saw him.
"What are you doing here? The rehearsals have started. You said you'd come and listen this week." Erik asked in a tense, controlled voice, stopping a few feet away from Daniel.
"I- I wasn't feeling well so I came here to get some air", Daniel managed, fidgeting with unease. "Must be the, the heat."
"You weren't feeling well?" Erik repeated blankly. "So you managed to climb the stairs to the roof? Where there's sunlight and more heat?"
Daniel looked down, then to the side, unable to return Erik's gaze for another moment. He didn't care about keeping the lie believable; right now the wisest thing he could do was probably just let everything pass as quickly as possible.
"Do you take me for an idiot?" Erik asked quietly. "Is this the kind of cooperation I'm supposed to expect from you now?"
"I'm sorry, sir", Daniel recited into the sky. "I'll get back down immediately."
"Like hell you are!" Erik finally snapped and yelled. "What is this game you're playing with me? Why do you act this way around me? Have I done anything so far other than giving you as much freedom and respect as I can - and instead of talking to me like an adult, you lie to me and run away randomly?"
"There's nothing I need to talk to you about!" Daniel yelled back, deciding to put Erik's alleged patience to the test. "I have some problems in my private life which are very much none of your business, and you're welcome to accept it or find a new soloist! I'm allowed to have other things on my mind aside from these rehearsals!"
"Yes, we all are", Erik snapped back automatically. "And we all work through those things at home, before we come here!"
"Good for you!" Daniel yelled back. "I'm glad you're all so mature! Although I don't remember Heidel sending someone to chastise you when you were gone for several days!"
Erik stopped and closed his mouth. "Heidel didn't send me. I haven't told him you're here", was all he could manage. Heidel really didn't send him, no, but Heidel's disapproving look definitely sped up his chase.
Daniel, with his chest heaving with anger and his brows furrowed, decided to get another sentence or two in, now that Erik was already too shocked to argue with him.
"Yes, I'm aware most people handle their personal things in their spare time, and that's just great for them", Daniel spat out. "I don't, and I'm well-aware of how disruptive that is. I'm up here so I wouldn't be disruptive, and even my absence is somehow disruptive. Short of going down and pretending for hours that there's nothing wrong with me, there is nothing I can do to be non-disruptive- and as you've noticed, I can't goddamn play violin while I'm pretending to be someone I'm not. It's sort of a personal flaw."
Erik was still silent, but something in his eyes was softening a bit.
"You should let me go back to playing in a bar", Daniel looked at Erik directly, his eyes red and his expression still furious, but his voice was quiet. "You'll have a much better time preparing your first symphony if your performers are able to follow through. And I functioned much better in a place that asked nothing of me. Maybe that's where I belong, I just haven't accepted that yet."
Erik blinked. Something behind his eyes seemingly cracked, and Daniel suddenly realized there was nothing terrifying about him anymore.
"Daniel", Erik said softly. "If you were nervous, you could have simply told me. What am I supposed to think if you disappear without a word?"
Daniel frowned stubbornly, determined that the redness stinging his eyes would be the only thing betraying him right now.
Erik sighed and continued. "I admit, someone else probably might have guessed, but I'm not good at it. It will be much easier if you don't assume I can guess these things, and just tell me."
"Stop patronizing me. I'm going to do my goddamn job", Daniel replied with fury. "I'll do it."
"Of course. Maybe not right now", Erik scratched at his temple, trying to think. "You can take some time to sort out your personal life. Heidel will do his usual rehearsal with the orchestra. I'll find some excuse, and nobody will question me."
Daniel scoffed. "I could have made an excuse myself. I'm probably better at lying to Heidel and skipping rehearsals than you are."
"Sure. But I told you already, I'll be on your side."
"But that's not why I'm here! I'm here because I don't want to make excuses! I don't want to be a disaster for the rest of my life! I want to go there and act normal! I just need some time, dammit!"
Erik sighed. If he squinted, he could probably see the irony in the air around them.
"Daniel", he tried again, pulling every word out with difficulty. "What… would you like me to do about this, exactly?"
"I would like everyone to just leave me alone to do as I like. But I have to be able to do my job like everyone else, don't I?" Daniel finally turned to him. "The orchestra depends on one another, and I don't see anyone else on this roof!"
"Except me", Erik said quietly. "I… this is the first time I'm participating in something like this. It's eating me alive, to be entirely honest."
Daniel frowned. "Why? This is one of the most peaceful productions I've been a part of, so far."
"Well, perhaps I just need everyone to leave me alone for a bit to sort things out with myself, but as per usual, I don't have that option. So I'll have to deal with things as they come, and hope the production doesn't end in shambles. And hope I don't say or do something that will ruin my future."
Daniel finally looked away, mumbling "Sorry."
"Others at the Conservatory like you", Erik continued indifferently with his arms still crossed. "The students will not cause you any issues. So, I don't really understand what upsets you so much about these rehearsals, aside from Heidel - who, as I've said, will be off the project as soon as he can delegate it to some poor young conductor. I know you could do your job even despite hating it, because you've done it before, but even so - I'd like to help."
Daniel shrugged. "Thank you. I don't think you can."
"Did Heidel say something to you?" Erik interrupted. "You know, I'll talk to him. Technically, your solo is my job, not his."
"He's just his usual self", Daniel shrugged. "You know, it doesn't - didn't - always bother me. There was a time when we all thought he was kinda funny, back when we were in college."
"We?" Erik asked carefully. "Students?"
"Louis and me", Daniel looked at his hands. "I mean, Louis was terrified of him, but he used to make jokes about everything, so it all wasn't so bad. We started college together - he was a little older than me. He moved out after two years - got a scholarship in Philadelphia."
"He hasn't come back?" Erik asked carefully.
"Not that I know of. We lost contact after he left."
"Huh." Erik didn't really know how much else he was allowed to ask, so he stared silently at the sky. "So you were often performing together, I presume?"
"Often, yes. If we weren't both on the same project, which was rare, the other one would always come on the opening night."
"I see", Erik felt a moment of inspiration. "Is he coming now? For the concert?"
Daniel pretended not to hear him.
"Any other friends?" Erik asked.
"Nah."
"Family?"
Daniel laughed a very miserable laugh, even though he really wanted to go back to playing deaf. "No. My parents won't be coming. They're not too happy about my career choices."
"Surely they will be happy that you're performing with an orchestra again?"
"It's not up to their standards", Daniel squeezed through his teeth. "They'll come when I've got myself together again."
Erik blinked. "They said that?"
Daniel sighed.
"They'll come once you already have your life together? Not while you are doing it?" Erik ran his fingers through his hair. "That must be very convenient for them, I gather? To not be there for the struggle, just the applause?"
Daniel turned to look at him - something in his voice surprised him. "I suppose they want to avoid any embarrassment. They're very… they're really weird about their reputation."
"No, I agree, it would be incredibly rude of you to embarrass them, after they've put in all this effort", Erik spat out. "Tell me - do all rich people see their children as just another investment, or am I just imagining it?"
"Um, I don't know", Daniel stuttered. "What the hell?"
"Do you think this project is beneath you?" Erik looked at him. It was always gnawing at the back of his head but he never really got the courage to ask before now.
"What?" Daniel narrowed his eyes at Erik. "Beneath me? I've been playing all over New York for the past year just so I could have some breathing room and freedom, away from those people. Do you think I care about their bullshit? I only care about music - to be precise, I only care about playing music I personally like."
"True and false", Erik pointed his finger at him. "You also care about being appreciated for it. You want to play music you like, and be adored while doing it. Don't lie to yourself, just admit it."
"Well, people like them will never appreciate me, and maybe it's time I accepted that! Maybe I'm a disgrace, and I just don't fit with them, so what!" Daniel yelled. "I was very good at faking it for a very long time, but frankly, it's getting old! Yes, it's very nice to be told you're among the elite, but it's not worth selling your soul - not for Heidel's approval, not for my stupid parents!"
"Good, then you have no problem at all!" Erik raised his voice, more from a reflex as Daniel yelled at him, than from any kind of real anger.
"No! I don't! Except every time I see Heidel, it reminds me how I'm too goddamn weird for the normal people, and too goddamn normal for the weird people! I'm in this weird limbo that nobody can name, but they're all very sure I don't fit with them!" Daniel covered his face with his hands. "My folks don't have to like what I'm doing, but c-c-couldn't they just, make themselves come and listen, this one time?"
Erik realized, to his horror, that the young man who once slammed a door in his face was now silently crying before his eyes.
What is it about me that makes people cry?
He had no idea what to do - well, he could think of some things, but they were all horrifyingly awkward from his perspective, and he'd rather not do them. But Daniel, with his face in his hands and his eyes peeking, red and teary, between his fingers as he stared at the ground was hard to look at any longer.
"Please believe me that I didn't mean to provoke or upset you", Erik managed barely as a whisper. "I didn't know about any of this."
"I'm sorry", he tried again. "I don't know what to say - I can't fix that. But there will be plenty of people listening. I will be in the audience as well, and so will my wife, who can't wait to hear you perform. The orchestra - they're all younger than you; they'll see you as their hero. If that means anything."
"Whatever", Daniel rubbed his eyes, quickly going back to pretending his outburst never happened. "So, what are we going to do? Is there still time to go to rehearsal?"
"There isn't much rehearsal left, but sure."
Daniel's shoulders slumped as they walked downstairs, even though he lit up as he saw the janitor with other staff members standing in the hallway waving at him. They were talking to Caroline who seemed upset about something; she looked at Erik and stopped awkwardly, then walked up to them.
"So you've found each other", she said. "I'd like my keys back."
Daniel took the keys out of his pocket and handed them over without a word.
Caroline spun the keys around her finger. "Sir, if we're in trouble, I'd like to know in advance. I gave him the keys, and the janitor saw him leave, so if he shouldn't have been on the roof then all three of us are guilty, if anything. But we've always let older students and staff up there upon request."
"You're talking to me?" Erik looked at her, surprised by the sudden formality. "No, everything's fine, I don't care who goes on the roof. I was under pressure to find out where Daniel was as soon as possible. Thank you for your help, Caroline."
"It's just that, earlier you seemed-"
"Ooooh, are you worried about me? So you do have a heart, Christine?", Daniel chirped, which got him both an impressive eye roll from Caroline and a confused look from Erik.
"Piss off, Dan. Well, I'm glad it's all right now. You can still make the rehearsal, they're all still in there."
Daniel's charm that emanated around him when he was around other people seemed to visibly dim and leave him looking smaller, like a grey shadow of his mischievous self as he entered the auditorium. Heidel was talking to his conducting students but stopped as soon as he saw them enter; Erik waved at him hoping to stop him from saying whatever remark he was about to say.
"Good evening, Mr. Jonsson. It's nice to see you at last." The sarcasm in his tone was contained, but still apparent - and apparently devastating. Daniel nodded, mumbled "thanks", looking like he was starting to regret all of it. Normally, if it had been Erik who said it, Daniel would have shot something back at him immediately, but Heidel was different. Heidel was, apparently, to be taken seriously.
Well, I can see why they don't get along, Erik sighed. He wasn't any more eager to address this than Daniel was, but he had to do something before it got any more awkward. Swallowing his own urge to run away, he climbed onto the stage and passed the orchestra and the conducting students (all of whom shifted very slightly and subtly to move away from him), and stopped next to Heidel.
"Maestro", Erik whispered to Heidel, "If it's alright with you, I'd let him sit this one out."
Heidel shrugged. "I'll leave it to your judgment, if you wish. As long as we're on schedule, it's fine."
Daniel sat down in the seat right next to Oliver. Oliver whispered something to him that not even Erik could hear, and Daniel smiled sincerely for the first time in a long time.
1 I can't help but point out that funnily enough, in this scene, Erik actually looks much healthier than I did during some of my college days.