Hey, guys! Welcome back to Becoming a Guardian! Before we do anything else, let's take care of the reviews!
Thanks so much to PuertoRicanBelle (Thank you! It's a fun topic to explore, it's true!), BeyondTheMoon1203 (Thank you so much! That's all very kind of you to say, it means a lot :), and MadCrazyChloe (It's a great legend, haha XD Thank you!) for reviewing! Thank you all for sticking around after all this time, as well :)
And with that, on with the chapter!
~ Welcome ~
Having a room at the North Pole has been a weird experience, for a number of reasons.
First, I've never actually had a real, physical home before (not counting back when I was a human, anyway). I'm not used to having a place to go back to, or a real bed to sleep in…hell, I barely even spent any time indoors during my life before the Guardians. And sure, that's not uncommon for a nature spirit, but I doubt any of the rest of them usually sleep on random tree branches or in snowdrifts. The others all seem to have more self-respect than that.
Not to mention they don't have to be constantly looking over their shoulder for fear of attacks, and they can actually establish a permanent residence without worrying that someone will find it and burn it to the ground with them inside.
No, I'm not bitter, why do you ask?
Anyway, that leads into the second reason sleeping at the North Pole is so weird - it's safe. No one (except maybe Pitch, and he's out of commission) would dare attacking the home of a Guardian of Childhood. At least, not a long-established one. I'm pretty sure they'd still attack me if I tried to build some sort of home for myself.
Oh well. Not like I'd want to, anyway. I don't have any workers to come with me, so it sounds like it'd be pretty lonely.
And that reminds me of another weird thing, actually. Whenever I'm here, aside from when I'm actually by myself in my room to sleep, I never really feel alone. Activity at the Pole pretty much never ceases, and there's always someone to interact with, be it a yeti, an elf, a visiting Guardian, or North himself.
Interestingly enough, North seems like he always goes out of his way to talk to me whenever I'm here - at least, when he has enough time to get away from his work for a few minutes. We had never even met before I was chosen to be a Guardian, and yet now, he's more than happy to engage me in conversation and try to get to know me better.
I don't know if I should be grateful he's doing this now, or bitter that he never made an effort before.
Ach…there I go again. Admittedly, I've been harboring some…let's call them resentful feelings recently, regarding my status as a Guardian. Now that it's been a while and the novelty has sort of worn off, I've been feeling kind of…uncomfortable, in a sense.
I interact with at least one of the Guardians almost every day, I'm able to come and go from their homes as I please, hell, I even have my own room at the North Pole. And yet, for whatever reason, I still can't stop thinking about the way things were before.
The way things were for 300 years.
Maybe I'm being too hard on them? I mean…it's not like they really knew what I was going through. It's not like I ever told anyone or tried to go to them for help. But still, their whole gig is protecting children, isn't it? And teenagers technically still count, so…
Why not extend that job to immortal ones? Certainly could've used a little help, or even just a shoulder to cry on, you know?
Maybe that was too much to ask for someone like me. It's not like I've ever had the best reputation, anyway. I was always more trouble than being around me was worth.
And honestly, that was my own fault. I did it on purpose, after all. Getting on other spirits' nerves (Bunny, especially) was the only way I could get anyone to pay attention to me. Most of them were predisposed to think I was some sort of evil demon anyway, so might as well shift that reputation into something a bit more benign, if still completely aggravating.
Did I particularly want to be known for annoying the hell out of everyone? No, not really, but it was just about the only way I could stop feeling so invisible for once. It was the only way anyone would see me.
So I messed with Bunny's egg hunts, I tried breaking into the North Pole, I froze things when I shouldn't have, I tossed the occasional random snow day into autumn or spring, I threw snowballs at random spirits, I did whatever I could to get someone, anyone to look at me for more than a moment. I was always risking retaliation, but after a certain point, I stopped caring. Even if they attacked me, even if they yelled at or lectured me, I was still technically getting what I wanted.
Granted, I'm not exactly proud that I behaved like a lonely child acting out, but…I guess that's what I was, in a way.
And maybe I shouldn't have done that. Maybe I should've tried to behave better, at least where more decent spirits like the Guardians were concerned. Sandy, at least, was nice to me whenever we happened to pass by each other in the sky. He could never hang around for long, since he was always so busy, but his friendly smile and wave were enough to convince me to not bother him in particular. Maybe it could've been that way with the others if I had just tried a little harder not to be such a nuisance.
As I aimlessly wander through the North Pole today, dodging the elves underfoot and ducking under the toy-laden arms of several yetis, that's what I'm thinking about. What would have happened if I had never tried to break into this place? What if I had just politely asked the yetis if I could talk to North, then tried to strike up some sort of friendship with the man? He's overly friendly as it is, I'm sure he would've at least been willing to have a conversation with me, so long as he wasn't too busy.
Maybe I'm just an idiot who doesn't know how to problem-solve.
Lost in thought, I find myself back at the same window seat where I sulked for a few hours after we'd lost Sandy to Pitch, before I was officially made a Guardian. The little frost pattern I'd made of his silhouette on the window has long since vanished, but I still recognize the area. Without even really thinking, I sit down, brushing my fingertips over the glass and leaving fern-like frost designs across its surface.
I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing here, but I suppose there are some memories attached to this spot. This was where I hid away from the others during the service they held for Sandy, afraid to show my face because I thought they'd blame me for it…or because I already blamed myself for it. This was the first time I really realized that my actions have consequences - when you spend your whole life invisible and alone, nothing you do really affects anyone else.
This time, though, my impulsivity hurt Sandy. He's fine now, sure, but if I hadn't convinced him to chase after a Nightmare and try to find Pitch while the others all slept, Pitch wouldn't have gotten to him in the first place. Maybe things wouldn't have spiraled as much as they did.
Though, this was also where I was comforted for the first time in my life. Where I was told that I did my best, and that it was okay that it wasn't quite good enough. Where I was told that Sandy would've been proud of what I did.
This was where North found me and showed me some of the first significant kindness I've ever received.
Maybe I'm hoping he'll find me here again.
I sit there for a while, sort of just staring out the window and tracing random patterns on the frosted glass. It doesn't take long for me to lose track of time, especially considering how much my mind has wandered already today. At one point, I pull my hood up over my head and then down low to my eyes, blocking my peripheral vision.
Which is probably why I don't notice North approaching until he's standing right in front of me.
I jolt slightly as he enters my field of vision, and I quickly look up at him, my hood slipping back just enough to show my eyes. My mind races briefly, struggling to come up with something intelligent to say.
"Um…hi."
…well clearly, that didn't work. Though is anyone really surprised by this point?
North arches an eyebrow, but at the very least, he doesn't call me out on my obvious awkwardness. Instead, he simply asks, "Are you alright?"
Exactly the same thing he said to me back then, when he approached me after Sandy's "death." He'd been the only Guardian to actually think to come and ask me if I was doing okay.
"I…I'm fine," I answer softly, not quite meeting his eyes. "I just…have a lot on my mind, I guess."
He tilts his head and sits down across from me on the window seat. "I see…anything you need to talk about?"
I don't miss the fact that he says "need" instead of "want."
"...probably," I admit. "Brooding alone hasn't really gotten me anywhere, so…" I trail off, gesturing vaguely at nothing in particular.
North smiles, as though the notion of me admitting that I need to talk about something is something to be proud of - which, I guess, given its rarity, it could be. He nods and says, "Well, I am here to listen! Yetis said you have been sitting here for while…must be heavy subject, no?"
"You…could say that," I tell him, suddenly much more nervous about speaking. It's a heavy subject, for sure, and it's about him. Him and the others, anyway. How would he react if I told him how much my past still hurt, and how much the Guardians could've alleviated that if they'd started paying attention just a few centuries earlier? It would upset him for sure, give him a lot of guilt, probably make him start apologizing to me…
But either way, I think I still need to say it. If I let that resentment fester, then…it'll only get worse.
North is clearly waiting for me to start explaining, so I take a deep breath, steeling myself. I'm tempted to pull my hood back down over my eyes, as though that'll keep me safe somehow, but I don't. Granted, I still keep the hood up, but I digress.
"...I've been thinking lately," I begin. "About…a lot of things, I guess? But…the gist of it is that I'm thinking about how much my life has changed since you guys, uh…took me in. And by that, I mean that it's changed for the better, obviously, but…I can't help wondering what it would've been like if it had changed, you know…sooner."
As expected, North's frown deepens. He's silent for a long moment, apparently searching for the right words, but I quickly speak up again before he can.
"Not that I'm not grateful for what I have now! Because, well…I am. I'm glad that I'm not alone anymore, I'm glad that I have you guys now, I'm glad that I can stay here and feel safe…" I exhale heavily, shaking my head. "But…looking back at the rest of my life as a spirit, those three hundred years just feel like a waste now. I didn't accomplish anything during that time. I tried everything to get someone, anyone to see me, but nothing ever worked. If you and the others hadn't come and gotten me, I don't think anything ever would've changed for me. All of my effort never would've amounted to anything. Your help was always the only answer for me. I just…I wish it had been offered to me from the start."
North opens his mouth to speak, but I'm already rambling too much to stop.
"Which isn't really fair, is it? You didn't know what I was going through. I never actually asked you for any help. Hell, I pretty much went out of my way to annoy everyone I could, and while it did get me some form of acknowledgement, it basically closed me off to any positive attention from anyone. I kind of dug my own grave in that respect, I just painted myself as an irresponsible, selfish - "
"Jack," North finally says firmly, but not unkindly, reaching out and placing a hand on my shoulder. "That is enough. Slow down for second, take deep breath."
I reluctantly let my voice fade out, shutting my mouth and looking away in embarrassment. Per North's request, I take a slow deep breath in an attempt to compose myself. It doesn't really work, but at least I've stopped rambling.
"Better?" North asks.
I merely shrug.
Apparently North's satisfied enough with that, as he doesn't press any further. Instead, he exhales heavily as well. He gazes out the window, stroking his long beard in thought.
"...you know, Jack," he says finally, still looking out at the North Pole's snow-covered landscape. "You do not have to apologize for being hurt."
I don't know how to respond to that, so I wait for him to continue.
"Is true, you built reputation as troublemaker," the man admits. "You easily set all-time record for Naughty List. But…Naughty List is not 'Bad List.' Is not 'Evil List.' Acting out because you were hurt and lonely does not mean you are bad person."
I blink. "It…doesn't?" I'd never really considered that before.
North laughs. "Of course not! You think I have Naughty List to tell children they are bad or evil? No, is to show me children who are doing wrong, and to encourage them to do better. There are many reasons why child might misbehave…sometimes is not entirely their fault." His smile fades and he sighs, shaking his head. "I…did not consider you in same way. In this case, I am one who did wrong. Me, and other Guardians as well. We…we failed you, Jack."
I don't speak. I'm afraid of what I might say if I do.
"And…I do not know if we can ever make that up to you," North admits. "Immortal or no, three hundred years is long, long time. True, you did not tell us what you were going through, but we also never asked. We should have looked closer." He pauses. "No…we should have looked at all. I am sorry, Jack."
I remain silent for several more seconds, gathering my thoughts.
"...I needed help," I finally say, slowly and carefully. "I needed…someone to be there for me. Anyone. And…you never were. Not until you needed me."
"I know this," North admits, his voice uncharacteristically soft. "Is biggest regret I have. I could make excuses, say we were too busy, that we didn't know, but does not change fact that we did not bother to pay attention to you. That we wrote you off as troublemaker and did not think to ask why."
"But you still asked me to be a Guardian," I whisper faintly. "Why…?"
"At first…" He sighs. "Was only because Man in Moon told us to. Is as you say…we were not there until we needed help from you. Some of us were even…not sure that you should be a Guardian, at first."
He doesn't have to say it. I know he can only be talking about Bunny.
"But," he continues. "As time passed…things changed. I saw your Center for myself. I saw the way you fought, the way you interacted with children, the way you helped us even though we had never helped you. I saw that you were…are a Guardian."
"Until you thought I betrayed you."
I hadn't even meant to say that. It just sort of…slipped out.
But there's no taking it back now.
North gives me a strange look, probably at my use of the word "thought." As I've mentioned before, I never actually followed up with him and the others about that situation, and North's probably realizing that right now. They all probably still think I willingly traded Baby Tooth for my memory box - aside from maybe Sandy, since he wasn't there.
"...until we thought you betrayed us," he finally agrees, careful to repeat my phrasing exactly. North hesitates for a long moment, opening his mouth to speak, then closing it again several times. Eventually, though, he finally asks the question I've been waiting for.
"Jack…what happened on Easter? When Nightmares were attacking, you were not there…when you came back, you had tooth box, but no Baby Tooth. You were with Pitch, no? We assumed…well, I think you know. But…I am not so sure is true anymore."
I smile sadly. "Took you long enough," I say softly, which probably only makes him feel worse, but at this point, I don't care.
"...I am sorry, Jack," he says after a long silence, his voice just as quiet as mine. "We were…no. I will not make excuses. What we accused you of…was terrible thing. Evidence looked bad, true, but we should have talked first. We should not have gotten angry, or made you leave. And…we did not deserve your help after that."
I shrug helplessly. "Maybe not," I admit. "But…as much as it hurt, it wasn't enough to turn me over to Pitch's side."
But it almost was, I don't say.
"I don't even know why I came back, to be honest," I continue, hoping he doesn't notice the waver in my voice. "I didn't think you wanted me there. I didn't think I could really do much to help. I just…felt like I had to at least try to do something. I wouldn't have felt right if I hadn't."
North smiles, though the expression is tinged with sadness. "And that, Jack, is what makes you a Guardian," he tells me. "Even after we hurt you, you still did right thing. For sake of children, yes?"
I nod silently.
In fact, we both sit in relative silence for a bit. I'm still not quite looking directly at him, just staring out the window, though in truth, I'm staring at his reflection, waiting for him to say something else. I still can't really figure out how well this conversation is going. It's not devolving into an argument, or accusations, or anything like that, but…I don't know. The atmosphere is still tense, still…weird.
I can tell that I've made him uncomfortable, but he's not shying away from it at all. Instead, he actually seems accepting of it, somehow. I guess he knows he's done wrong and is handling it with surprising grace.
Finally, North breaks the silence.
"Jack…I am sorry for everything we have done to you. For everything we should have done, but didn't. I am sorry that you were left alone so long, that we never once tried to help. And I swear to you, Jack…we will do everything we can to make it up to you. If you can find it in heart to forgive us, we will atone for past failings. You will always have place here with us. We will never abandon you again."
I still don't speak, but this time, it's not by choice.
As he's been talking, I've been staring at the ground, my vision blurring through the tears welling up in my eyes. My throat is practically closed off entirely from emotion, and I'm afraid that if I open my mouth, all that'll come out is a sob.
Something about hearing him say all that…it gets to me. At the beginning of this conversation, I wasn't really sure what I wanted. I felt like everything I was thinking needed to be said aloud, but I didn't quite know why.
Now, though…I think I do.
Acknowledgement. Validation. The admission that the Guardians had done me wrong, that I wasn't crazy for being upset, for wanting more from them. I think that's what I wanted.
I wanted someone to recognize what I've been through. I wanted someone to reassure me that it wasn't okay, that it wasn't normal, that I didn't deserve everything that happened to me. Sure, I guess that's all been implied to me before, but hearing it said to me point-blank, it's just…it's just different. More meaningful, more comforting.
I can't help it. I start to cry.
I've never cried in front of North before. In fact, I've never cried in front of any of the other Guardians before, save for that one time with Sandy. I…don't really cry much at all, if I'm being honest. Sure, I used to, back when I was in my first few decades as a sad, lonely spirit, but eventually I just…stopped.
I couldn't really tell you why. Maybe I got too jaded, maybe I resigned myself to the life I had. All I know is that the tears just stopped coming after a certain point.
Now, though, they flow freely.
And, to my immense embarrassment, I'm so caught up in my own tears that it takes me several seconds to realize that North has leaned forward, wrapped an arm around me, and pulled me closer to his side. And since I don't have the energy or the will to do anything else, all I do is lean into him slightly and continue quietly crying.
To his credit, North doesn't say anything for a while. He doesn't draw attention to the embarrassing situation, he doesn't act surprised that I'm crying, he doesn't even try to offer me empty words of comfort.
He's just…there for me.
And that means more than I think he'll ever know.
Eventually, my tears do end up tapering off. My breathing evens out and my shoulders stop shaking so badly. I'd nearly forgotten how cathartic crying can actually be. Granted, I guess that's the whole point of it.
I feel…better. Not perfect, but better.
It's a start.
After a while, I finally slip out of North's grasp, standing up and lowering my hood. I have a lot I want to say to him, but no words to convey it. I stand there for a long moment, trying to summon coherent sentences, but they just won't come.
Finally, I settle for a quiet, "...thank you."
North smiles. "You're welcome, Jack," he says, his voice soft yet sincere. He stands as well and places a hand on my shoulder. "You always are."
And I guess that's all I ever wanted to hear.
Lots of emotions in this one :') (And possibly some projection hahahaha-) Anyway! That's all for this one, I hope to see you guys back here next week!
For now, Sapphire316 out.